Blurty for Manx.

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Monday, November 11th, 2002

Subject:Letter number five - Late! And why..?
Time:2:12 pm.
Mood:rushed.
Music:That nifty Inuyasha theme "I want to change the world".
Dear Persia,

What did I tell you!? I was up on the phone with Crawford for hours and hours! T_T;; And then I woke up late...!!! *screams* I'm going to be late for class!! However, I wanted to write you a quick letter first.

Yes... I was thinking about abandoning this identity and getting a new one... but... I dunno.

You're kinda growing on me, Persia.

Always love love,

Manx
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Sunday, November 10th, 2002

Subject:Letter number four - Do I know..?
Time:9:26 pm.
Dear Persia,

I was just reading over my last entry when I stopped and thought about it... Do you know what I'm afraid of? A physical relationship. I'm terrified. Isnt that stupid?! I'm... I'm seriously scared senseless. And it's not like I'm not "experienced". Well, I'm not a tramp either... >>;;; But you know what I mean. lol. Still... I think it's because of that one experience, nearly 5 years ago. I cant feel "alright"...

Call me a fool, but I'm talking to Crawford. I have a feeling I'll tell him everything... and then everything will feel alright...

Until tomorrow.

Always love love,

Manx
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Subject:Letter number three - Leading hearts astray.
Time:9:02 pm.
Dear Persia,

I think I've gotten myself into another fine mess. *sighs* I must sound like such a tramp to you, dont I? It's like... I jump from man to man so thoughtlessly. But I swear, I'm not thoughtless, and I'm not as heartless as I might say I am, Persia... You know me better than that, dont you?

No one seems to fit the mold just right. Or perhaps I'm still bitter. It's hard not to be sometimes... I'm so angry inside. I'm really hurt, yet really lonesome. Kinda lost.

Oh, Persia...

I saw Schu again today, but I was greated with a "Hey, sexy" - which bothers me. I'm really bothered that he claims to "love" me, and we just met, less than 24 hours ago. That isnt love, if you ask me. Maybe I was just lonesome last night, and I needed someone to hug. It's not like I did anything wrong, did I? Just a hug, just a kiss... Damnit, I feel guilty. >>;; lol.

*hugs self* Persia, I wish you were here with me. I need someone to talk to. But, since that isnt possible, at least I have letters, ne? I'm glad. I'm glad I started writing to you again. This is a relief.

Ya know, a piece of me wants to run back to Crawford. We never really broke up, yet we were never really together... I dunno, he was really, really good to me. But I always feel like I'm using the guy. ><;; I've told him countless times, "It just feels like you're a rebound". Why doesnt he mind?! Why does he always listen, always hold me, and always make me feel better..?

I must sound so pathedic! All this talk of complicated romance crap. -_-;; That's what it is, I suppose... complete garbage. Damnit, I feel like such a slut right now.

Sometimes I just want to isolate myself.

I didnt set out looking for anyone last night. I never do. There just always seems to be someone after me, and I swear I dont mean to sound conceited! It all seems so fake tho... so convenient.... so meaningless. I'm so tired of meaningless relationships. I feel like I'm just around until someone tires of me... like a cheap whore.

Persia. I could really, really use a hug... one that wouldnt make me feel "obligated".

Always love love,

Manx
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Subject:Letter number two - Wishing and wondering
Time:3:22 pm.
Mood:restless.
Music:"Truth"~ Yuuki Hiro.
Dear Persia,

Another letter from your darling, Manx-chan. ^^ I'm really surprised... normally I dont stick with this kinda thing. I'm so flighty. I'm especially surprised... I'll have to tell Birman to get a new journal too. I have a feeling she'd like this.

I was kinda depressed today - not in a "omg, I want to kill myself" way. It was more like "Ugh. I hate where I am right now. I need to do something about it." I really wanna move out of the place I'm at now, Persia... I'm not happy here. I feel so restless. I'm kinda lonesome too.

I hope I see Yohji-kun and Schu-chan again soon... I hope I've made some new friends.

I've been thinking of writing again. Yeah, I know, I havent done any writing in a long, long time... but it really helped me channel my energy in a positive way, rather than brooding over things. I feel badly about "Crawford", and I'm generally beginning to loathe my ex boyfriend... He's such an immature little prick. I cant believe he had the nerve to prank call me last night. WTF? That's so lame! But then again, I can remember a time when I would have found that funny.

It's getting dark already... *sigh* I miss spring time.

Well, I think I'll go grab a snack. I havent eaten anything since lunch yesterday. @@;; No, I'm not starving myself or anything; I just havent been hungry, I havent felt right. Maybe I'm catching something.

Always love love,

Manx
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Saturday, November 9th, 2002

Subject:Letter number one - To my dearest Persia, love Manx
Time:11:54 pm.
Mood:hopeful.
Music:"Last in my Winds" ~ Weiss.
Dear Persia,

Konban wa... it's Manx. I dont know why I decided to write again - I've never been fond of the whole "livejournal" like system... but I suppose if I really had to, I could manuver. I've had a ujournal and a deadjournal before (I was never cool enough to join the ranks of Livejournal, although many proposed to give me their "code"), but I've always been more of a "blogger bitch". However, I value my privacy. I think a journal should be a place where a person can be completely honest and comfortable. My other journals had become anything BUT that. While I dont mind people reading my journal, I do mind people who STALK my journal, people who analyze my every word... and people who use your honest feelings against you.

And so - here I am. I need to express myself and my feelings. Not doing so... well... it drives me insane. Oh, Persia... there's so much on my mind.

Damnit. I got disconnected from chat. ><;; I met a really, really nice Schuldig there... Yee! I got back in! *cheers!* And my Schu-chan is still there. ^.^ How wonderful. teeheehee! I've made so many lovely friends today. Yohji-kun, Omi-kun, Ken-kun, and my Schu-chaaaaaaaan~! I'm so happy. ^.^ I havent chatted with other WK fans in a long, long time. It was so fun... there was no over head, no one breathing down my neck... I didnt have to hold back. I'm surprised the bishies took to me so warmly - normally WK boys dont seem too fond of women. o-o;; Maybe cause they're fangirls? >D Not me. I'm not a fangirl. *cough* Honest! I wont throw myself at a bishounen~ ....well... maybe... if it was a Schwarz. >D!!

Nnn, I love bad boys. >D I'm so glad I caught myself a Schuldig. *hentai cackles* I wonder if this is just another fling, or if this one might stick around. Who knows?

Ya know, on a completely different note, I'm not big on the idea of fan created characters. I mean, sometimes they're okay... I guess if someone writes a fanfic and makes up an original character, it's okay. It's their fanfic, their world, their imagination. More power to you. However, I get really irritated when someone tries to force others to accept their character as a part of the WK universe. Wtf? O_o; But... whatever. I dont cause a problem unless it's really necessary. Whateeeever~

Teeheehee... I heart my Schu-chan. He's so cute. It feels good to have someone around who pays me so much attention... I've felt so lonely lately. Although technically, it's very wrong of me to be so flirtatious with this guy... a person, whom I will call "Crawford" just for the sake of keeping his identity a secret, is very much... "fond" of me. Oh, and I'm more than aware. In fact, I played along. And ya know, I did it for all the wrong reasons - I'd just broken up with my long time boyfriend, and I needed someone to pick up my many pieces. But I told Crawford that. I told him MANY times. Brad, you're a rebound. He didnt care. I honestly dont think I love the guy.

Then again... sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of LOVING anyone. I've become so heartless.

Which is why I've enjoyed my evening with Schu. I could just lose myself in an embrace and not feel obligated or scared or...

Hm. I have so many things on my mind right now. Maybe I'll write more later. I also need to come up with a new layout thing - if I plan to actually use this journal.

Always love love,

Manx

...dont you just love that akward silence after a kiss? lol
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Blurty for Manx.

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