*beck*'s Journal
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Wednesday, May 14, 2003
10:06PM - goodness
i havent written here in a long ass while. so how are you lovely people today? i am great for a few reasons. one, i'm single and i really love it right now because i know i cant be stabbed in the back and used anymore. its an amazing feeling to be able to tell myself i am not a piece of shit thats only good for walking all over & know that its true. i know i'm better then that now & i wont allow it. from anyone! two, my mom and i had a bonding moment. it was weird...yet really nice. i feel so mature! haha. three, i stood up to dan th other day & now he's realizing not to even talk to me b/c he knows very well that he's a dick just like i say he is. four, i have my license & a job on the way. how fuckin awesome. and five, my friends are great. i do miss jessica cuz i never see or talk to her much anymore, but i dunno. shes never home & neither am i. i tried to call her today but it was busy. oh well. i dunno. i know one thing boys (not you kevin) are full of shit. so i'm gonna be single forever till i find someone amazing who actually thinks i'm amazing too. which could actually take FOREVER! but hey, at least i know what i want now. ok well time to go. bye bye!
Current mood: 
cheerful
Current music: joj-fear of dieing
Thursday, April 24, 2003
10:14AM - arhhhh
saturday it is! yawn....i would say more but i just woke up & i can't think of anything to talk about. cept maybe that i need coffee. and i hope my brother doesnt wake up. he was talking to himself this morning. ok bye bye.
Current mood: good
Current music: brand new
Tuesday, April 8, 2003
6:22AM
i signed up for my road test!!! i'm taking it on may 8th. yay! ok i need juice, bye.
Current mood: chipper
Wednesday, April 2, 2003
6:49AM - bread rules
baby i'ma want you. baby i'ma need you. la la la. its fuckin wed. morning. blah. i don't feel like getting ready for school. hmmmmmmmmmm. breaking up w/ dan was the best thing that ever happened to me. i'm so glad it happend now. that little penis had me blinded, blinded like so many other ppl i know are. gross. anyways, i better get my ass going. ehhh, coffee yum. toodles.
Current mood: cheerful
Current music: ok go
Thursday, March 27, 2003
11:21PM - just read this...i cut out anything unnecesary
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: chrissy's short
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'm not gonna say anything else about chrissy at least i dont think becuz i know how crazy it makes you
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: girls liking me is a turnoff
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i realized that
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i mean at least i got paid
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i can , sing and, hear me, know me
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: dude are you hearing this?
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'm goin nutz
ZflowingglowerZ: what
ZflowingglowerZ: yeah
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: fuck you
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: you fuckin dick
ZflowingglowerZ: ok
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: alwayz naysaying
ZflowingglowerZ: allright
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: you're so emotionless
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: ya prick
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: get into it
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: let loose
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: take your pants off, stay awhile
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: pull this thread, i'm walkin away bitch
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: as i walk awayyy!!!!!!
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'll soon be naked
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: lyin on the floor, x2 i've come unbuttoned
ZflowingglowerZ: gahhhh dan
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: guitar solo drones...
ZflowingglowerZ: i'll never understand u
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: if you want to destroy my teddy bear
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: whoa whoa whoa!
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: pull this thread as i fuck your ass
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'll soon b negged
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: lying on the floor x2
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i've come on your face
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i dont want to destroy your tanktop lets be friends n just walk away
ZflowingglowerZ: haha
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i hate to see you lyin there in your superman skivvies lying on the floor i've come undoooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: ooo woo eee
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: ooo woo eee
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: ooo wee ooo
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: ooo woo eee
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: man did i fuck that up
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: surf wax america's a great song
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i watched a porn at twiggz's today about this girl puking 5 times while bj'ing
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: she was all like "bloooooahhhhhhhhhhh"
ZflowingglowerZ: yay puking blowjobs
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: the 4th one looked like cookie dough
ZflowingglowerZ: gotta love those
ZflowingglowerZ: eww
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: yer a jerk
ZflowingglowerZ: what
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i called u a jerk
ZflowingglowerZ: i'm serious
ZflowingglowerZ: ok ur a dick
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: why do i alwayz think the worst of what girls say to me
ZflowingglowerZ: cuz i hate girls
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'm goin surfin cuz i dont like your face im bailin out cuz i hate the race of rats running round and round in a maze
ZflowingglowerZ: u*
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: no i dont hate girls becky, just you
ZflowingglowerZ: HA and ur the only gilr i hate too dan
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: yeah cuz u love girls
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: and thats... ok
ZflowingglowerZ: yeah too bad u got to chrissy b4 me, DAMN
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: all along the undertow is strengthening its hold i never thought it'd come to this now i can never go home
ZflowingglowerZ: damn damn damn
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: your dikeness is fraudful
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: what u need is a dildo
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: unless u've got one
ZflowingglowerZ: yeah i need one for when i'm fucking girls
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: u should be using it. run away little one! get the dildo!
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: hey the other night i was laying in bed and it was really late and i was all like, feelin it, so i thought of you
ZflowingglowerZ: then again i'd fully enjoy sticking it up ur ass
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: and i was like rub-a-dick dub
ZflowingglowerZ: thanx dan
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: it was sweet
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: no problem
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: say it aint so-e-o-whoa
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: aw yeah
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: allright
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: feels good
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: inside my ass
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: becky you are honky trash
ZflowingglowerZ: damn right
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: some kid called montel williams a nigger in elementary school and montel called him honky trash
ZflowingglowerZ: i dont know what honky means though
ZflowingglowerZ: haha
ZflowingglowerZ: montel rules
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: vaginas are furry
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'm gonna marry my right hand
ZflowingglowerZ: good for u
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: it gets me off, holds my cigarettes, beer, plays guitar with me, video games, doesnt talk back
ZflowingglowerZ: ur a very intolerant person
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: if i really believed that you believed that
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: then i would punch u in the face for not learning a thing about me after so long
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: this conversation is irrelevant
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: for that matter nothing is relevant
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: this conversation in particular becuz i'm under the influence
ZflowingglowerZ: oh i'm sorry u tolerated me for so long
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: me 2
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: dont be sorry about things that i did
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: just feel sorry for yourself
ZflowingglowerZ: i dont feel sorry for anyone right now actually
ZflowingglowerZ: i'm doing pretty good for myself
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: congratulations
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: if i was in a happier state of mind i'd be ecstatic
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: u aint usin me baby
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: unless i'm getting you off at the next stop
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: were u ever really really out of it and you just threw your head to the side like you were gonna fall asleep
ZflowingglowerZ: yeah
ZflowingglowerZ: u took too many drugs
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: what if your head snapped off and rolled across the floor and you were like "whoaaaaaaaaaa help me"
ZflowingglowerZ: ok so the head would still be talking
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: yeah
ZflowingglowerZ: that would be weird
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: well why the hell would it not talk
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: your mouth is on it ya dildo
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'm having a party next weekend
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: my family's leaving town
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'm the only one invited
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: there's to be plenty of cigarettes smoked, and free alcohol in the hallway
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: LETS GO AWAY!
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: JUST LETS GO ON A HOLIDAY
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: LETS GO AWAY!
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: JUST LETS GO IN A HEARTBEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ZflowingglowerZ: ah sounds fun
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: I'm an unfortunate soul.
ZflowingglowerZ: yeah sounds like it right now, u sound sad
ZflowingglowerZ: and alone i guess but enjoying it
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: yeah
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: thanx...
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'm not the same person you went out w/
ZflowingglowerZ: i noticed
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: or u'd prolly still be with me
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'm a new breed of asshole
ZflowingglowerZ: well ppl change
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: what is it that makes me flip off girls i like (chrissy)
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: and call them pieces of crap
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i blame you
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: for letting me get away with it
ZflowingglowerZ: she is a piece of crap
ZflowingglowerZ: did i say that
ZflowingglowerZ: ha sorry
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i dont mind
ZflowingglowerZ: how did i do anything
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i'm starting to think so myself
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: she's just... fuckin with me
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: there will never not be a girl in my life
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: there shouldnt be tho
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: cuz they're the ones i rely on
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: and none are reliable
ZflowingglowerZ: i dont think u can rely on anyone
ZflowingglowerZ: u dont choose to
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: its like having a car with the gas gauge broken
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: u're just talking dumb and u're not even dumb
ZflowingglowerZ: no i'm seious
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: if the gas gauge is broken, you don't know when you're gonna run out of gas
ZflowingglowerZ: serious**
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: so you just take your chances with it
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: and sometimes you get lucky... sometimes you just stop
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: and you're in a bit of a predicament
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i never said i was in love with chrissy
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: love is for the worms
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: if it was up to me all the boyfriends in the world would dump their girlfriends tonight, and likewise
ZflowingglowerZ: youre really bitter
ZflowingglowerZ: or something
ZflowingglowerZ: i ruine ur relationship life forever
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: in a perfect world the mall would be open all night
ZflowingglowerZ: ruined*
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: yeah i know you did
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: thanx a lot cunt
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: why the fuck wouldn't i be bitter
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: u think i just let go of things
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i did but now that you've reminded me
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: there's so much i'd love to say to you
ZflowingglowerZ: say it
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: nah
ZflowingglowerZ: say it all dan go ahead nothings holding u back
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: so much i would've loved to say to you
ZflowingglowerZ: just say it ok
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: would u shut the fuck up
ZflowingglowerZ: and i dont think u should be blaming everyhting on me
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: u think you've got the upperhand
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: you don't have shit
ZflowingglowerZ: dan...do u think ur better then me
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: you are 18 year old girl who lives in a small city of japan
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i wish you wouldn't keep singling yourself out
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: in reality i think i'm better than everyone
ZflowingglowerZ: i think ur disgusting
ZflowingglowerZ: ur personality went to shit
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: heh
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: if you only knew
ZflowingglowerZ: talking to u makes me want to puke
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: tear it up
ZflowingglowerZ: and u cause me problems, which i can resolve now that ur gone, but ur just fucked up, i have nothing to cry about
ZflowingglowerZ: so sit alone and care about only urself if thats what makes u happy
ZflowingglowerZ: i dont give a shit
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: no one can make me smile like you
ZflowingglowerZ: suck it
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: why do you think i dont talk to you as much as i did? i dont care about you
ZflowingglowerZ: yeah thats no surprise, u dont care about anyone
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: nice observation
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: well now i can sleep peacefully
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: good night
ZflowingglowerZ: die
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: u wish
ZflowingglowerZ: yeah i really do
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: thats cool cuz like i said, dont care?
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i am so in love with you
ZflowingglowerZ: stop talking
ZflowingglowerZ: ashhole
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: ohhhh i wish my name was jimmy
ZflowingglowerZ: leave
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: and that i was shallow
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: and on your brain level
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: too much to wish for??
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: hahaha
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: you'd be good for me
ZflowingglowerZ: i fucking hate you
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: u've got so many buttons that i can push
ZflowingglowerZ: dont ever talk to me agian
ZflowingglowerZ: go to hell i hope you get hit by a bus
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: i ride the special mini bus
ZflowingglowerZ: fuck u
EviLLeCrAqUeBaYb: bye
Current mood: pissed, words cannot explain
Current music: manson
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
6:18PM - ooo i'm a smirk, hehehe
You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
kyle you know what, we can rule the world cuz we kick ass and its not our faults that boys can't handle our womanlyness. like take dan, he likes a whore. this is because he has to have a gf that is just like every other girl to make him feel like a pimp. if he went out w/ me that means hes going out w/ someone who has personality, and how can he be a pimp that way??? BOYS SUCK! (not u kevin) and u can do better anyways b/c u got the powaa! and ur hot too! i love you! *muah* <3 beck
Current mood: chipper
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
7:52AM - i'm bitter. and i'm sick.
blahhhh i'm so sick. my temp is 100.9 right now. not only that but i'm kinda depressed making the sickness feel even worse. so dan wants chrissy & not me, he put the picture of them back up on his website...he used to like me more. i bet if we faught i'd kick her ass...and then dan would kick mine & hate me even more. i wish it wasn't impossible for me to move on. its like i cant physically do it. god i'm such a crazy stalker...but i'm gonna leave him alone now. let him fuck around, i shouldn't even bother to care anymore. and i can always find a new b/f that will prolly suck, but hey...maybe they'll actually like me back. fuckers.
Current mood: 
blah
Current music: hole
Monday, March 24, 2003
6:42AM
hmmmm well dan likes chrissy, so last night i bothered him & questioned him like a crazy stalker until he couldnt talk to me anymore (not like he wanted to in the first place). And then how the hell can he say he likes her. i'm so pissed about the whole situation, it burns. i really really really hate my life right now & it doesn't look like things will be getting better for me any time soon. i mean i put my pager through the wash, lost the best bf i ever had, got drunk, smoked weed while drunk. I'm fuckin retarded! i need to get ahold of myself. gah, i have to go get ready for school now.
Current mood: 
crappy
Current music: anything good i can find
Friday, March 21, 2003
6:31AM - random thinking, my foot fell asleep
damn, i feel crappy. i guess i deserve it b/c i know what makes me feel like crap & i just go right back to it. i guess pretty much i love dan & everything but he thrives on being depressed & he loves to be free and i make him happy & unfree or something so why would he want anything to do with me. well friendship i guess. i dunno, at this point i don't care. problems like these don't go away until *everyone* wants them to. if even then. but hey, i should be getting a job soon & i should be getting my license and once i have that and a car would be nice too so i could drive to work. i'll have everything i need for a while. and i'm really damn close now to all of that. *excitement* so i could do anything i want, yeah! soon soon soon. yep, so, i pointed out to jimmy yesterday that he likes to make me feel guilty about dumping him, and he goes "yeah but it hurt me so bad" so i was like "see" and he still STILL wont shut his mouth about it. why cant he leave me aloooooooooone dammit. GRRRRRRR. well i have to get ready for school now. bye bye.
Current mood: 
aggravated
Thursday, March 20, 2003
6:36AM - *kaboom* blahhhhhhhhh
man...we're in war. how crazy. we're killin people. KYLE, YOU WERE NOT BORING ME YESTERDAY!!! i told you! if i hated ur house, why would i spend so much time there, i love it there. mmmk!!!!! hee, crap, kyle, it's the 20th. i dyed my hair black. i look slick. i've been thinking about dan a lot, and i really just dont want to live my life w/o him. i know a lot of ppl are anti-me & dan but i don't really care. he's the boy for me. i like this journal better then live journal, its wayyyy better. (you don't need a code) anyone can have one. live journal is a bitch cuz u need a code to be in w/ the in crowd. anyways i g2g. <3 ya beck
Current mood: 
crazy
Current music: nothing
Sunday, March 16, 2003
9:41PM
Jimmy Dred: hey
ZflowingglowerZ: hey jimmy i need to tty bout somethin
Jimmy Dred: :-(
Jimmy Dred: i knew it
ZflowingglowerZ: ahh crap, i feel bad, i'm just like...not handling having a bf well.
ZflowingglowerZ: i dont know whats wrong w/ me, i think i'm retarded
Jimmy Dred: :'(
ZflowingglowerZ: no jimmy dont do that
Jimmy Dred: no
Jimmy Dred: your not
Jimmy Dred: i am
ZflowingglowerZ: no ur not
Jimmy Dred: i acted like a fucking idiot
ZflowingglowerZ: noooo no no no
ZflowingglowerZ: stop that
Jimmy Dred: you'v made me the happiest i 'v been in a long tine there is nothing wrong with u
Jimmy Dred: i always mess every thing up
ZflowingglowerZ: yes there is, i can't handle things i'm like a werid creepy cant understand myself weird thing
ZflowingglowerZ: and jimmy, u know i like u, ur a good friend, its just the whole being tied down thing, i dunno i cant explain it
Jimmy Dred: i wont tie u down
ZflowingglowerZ: ahhh i'm sorry, i should be shot cuz i hate being a bich b/c of my own shit going on in my head
Jimmy Dred: :'(
ZflowingglowerZ: jimmy nooo
ZflowingglowerZ: come on, pleaseee
Jimmy Dred: u have no idesa how i feel right now
ZflowingglowerZ: jimmy dont hate me
Jimmy Dred: i don't hate i can't hate
Jimmy Dred: your the only person i can't hate
ZflowingglowerZ: i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorryyyyyy
ZflowingglowerZ: gah i feel like such a jackass
Jimmy Dred: don't
ZflowingglowerZ: no i'm the biggest butthole
ZflowingglowerZ: u can fit like 20 dildos in this butthole
Jimmy Dred: no your a great person
Jimmy Dred: at least u kept me sainr
Jimmy Dred: saine*
ZflowingglowerZ: so are u though
ZflowingglowerZ: i'm so sorry
Jimmy Dred: no i'm an ass wipe who can't act right
ZflowingglowerZ: no ur notttttttttt, jimmy ur awesome, i love chillin w/ u but i have a lesbian dissorder or something
ZflowingglowerZ: not really though, i'm just weird
Jimmy Dred: i wanna say sumtine but.... blah
ZflowingglowerZ: jimmy i'm sorryyyyy
Jimmy Dred: i got a question
Jimmy Dred: what is love
ZflowingglowerZ: i dont even know
Jimmy Dred: i think i know or something close to it
ZflowingglowerZ: i wish i could tell u, i wish i wasnt scared of stuff like that
Jimmy Dred: when your in love with someone 2.)you couldn't hurt them if u wanted to,
2.)you could easy picture yourself with them the rest of your life
Jimmy Dred: 3.)you would do anything for them
Jimmy Dred: now if that anit love i donno what is
ZflowingglowerZ: i know
Jimmy Dred: i'm not trying to change your mind
ZflowingglowerZ: lol i know, i mean. ur like the best person, i feel really bad, but i'm so confused baout my life
Jimmy Dred: but you r the only person that has fit all those catigoirs for me
ZflowingglowerZ: and this is why becky should be shot
Jimmy Dred: no
Jimmy Dred: your the on;y thing that has ever made sence in my life
Jimmy Dred: i'm not jokeing
ZflowingglowerZ: but i dont even make sense to myself
Jimmy Dred: meeting you has been the best thing that has happened to me
ZflowingglowerZ: grr i feel bad, i'm sorry
Jimmy Dred: i'm sorry
ZflowingglowerZ: u dont have anything to be sorry for
Jimmy Dred: looking back on it i didn't wanna ask u out but i'm glad i did
Jimmy Dred: even if it was on;y for 2 weeks
Jimmy Dred: it was the best
ZflowingglowerZ: aw
Jimmy Dred: thank u
ZflowingglowerZ: no u dont have to thank me
ZflowingglowerZ: i'm not one to thank
Jimmy Dred: you r the best person i ever met
ZflowingglowerZ: thanx jimmy
Current mood: blah