niki's Blurty
 
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Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in niki's Blurty:

    Thursday, June 16th, 2005
    4:34 pm
    knocked for a loop
    Um...Jason popped by awhile ago, claiming to have had an extra ciggy for me. Um...Not once in three or 4 years has he popped by...WTF. That knocked me so far off kilter. Now I am all paranoid, we nose and ear itch. My head is spinning. I shouldnt have opened the door. But then I thought maybe Brandi or mom dispatched him. That freaked me the fuck out. I don't get it. I didnt let him in, either, tho he was looking in. Place is a goddamn toxic dump, not coming in. I can't handle surprise visits like that. I'm gonna need all night just to get my bearings back and now I'm all paranoid and jumpy. Damn. I was not in a great mood to begin with. I don't hate him, quite the opposite and as I recall he has a most talented tongue...But you can't do that shit to me, showing up out of the blue like that. I can't cope. He is prolly gonna tell mom and brandi what a rude bitch I am. Gah. Hey, I shoulda told him to come back when he has a bottle of vodka and some Dew. If I were drunk I could prolly enjoy his company.
    All my yammering on about being lonely and needing to get laid and I get the perfect opportunity...and I can't slam the door fast enough...he he he. There is no end to my neuroses.
    Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
    10:51 pm
    something in the air
    my sister was on a tear tonight, apparently momzilla has been in psycho hose beast mode to the extreme. Letting cory do whatever he wants and going ballistic when she tries to say no or correct or discipline him. I love my mom, but i have no illusions, the woman is nuts. And kids need to hear the word no occasionally. Cory is going to be a fucking psychpath or worse, sociopath. He has no conscience as is, doesn't care about anything but himself.When things don't work he throws a fit and whines and insists it has to work for him. I got news kid, the world ain't gonna kiss your ass and treat you like you're the most special thing on earth like marcia does. Brandi never shoulda let mom take control, she will never get her kid back now. It's madness. I think my mom needs a psych eval, she's gotten really...explosive. She refuses to consider medication, but doesnt hesitate to tell us we need it. Duh, I know I do, unmedicated manic depressives are not a good thing. Brandi insists she does better without meds, and maybe she does. I can't speak for anyone but myself, and I know as bad as I am doing right now medicated, without the meds I would be much much worse off. I have an illness. Denying it doesn't solve anything. I'm just glad I don't live with her.
    I guess the despair and madness must be in the air this week. I am doing so lousy. Really bad. In the dark place where no rays of light can touch me. I don't like it. I feel hateful toward people I usually love and adore. I have become less functional than I was, and I didnt think that was even possible. I am just in denial about all the stuff that needs to be done. I cant even work up the courage to go down to get the mail. Going outside the door just freaks me out. I dont know whats going on with me. I'm just glad I see the shrink July6. Hopefully he will try to help me. It's trial and error, I know too well, but I just hope we can mesh and work together to get this illness under control. I just want my life back, want to be me again. Functional. I want to enjoy being alive again. That's not unrealistic or silly.
    I am resisting the urge to just curl up in front of the TV. I wont sleep. The brain wont shut up. I will just lay there and torture myself further. Least on here I can distract myself with stuff. Even if I'm not enjoying it in the least. Everyone keeps telling me I'm too quiet. I'm too depressed to speak. If I were to vent then they'd say I was being a drama queen or trying to bum them out. Gah, people suck so much. I just want my own house so I can have my pets. Courty is gonna get over her psychotic selfishness one day. She blows me off, so why can't I have some kittens who will want my attention? But not here. Gotta get a place where pets are allowed. It seems so hopeless and futile. I'm trapped here forever, my only escape being death.
    Be grateful I'm too quiet people. I wish it was quiet inside my head.
    Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
    1:46 pm
    bitch (poem)
    I'm gonna pretend
    that I give a fuck
    but if you're looking for someone who cares
    you're just out of luck
    I'm a pessimistic negative sarcastic
    I am such a bitch
    this is what the world made me
    so fuck you if you don't like it
    1:41 pm
    living dead girl
    Hollowed from the inside out
    now just an empty shell
    no longer alive,but not yet dead
    Burning alive in my own Hell

    My heart is still beating
    blood pulses through these veins
    I sleep, I wake, I eat, I breathe
    and I still feel aches and pains

    But I have been a long time dead
    inside my soul where it counts most
    what you see before you is merely
    a flesh and blood version of my ghost

    I already mourned my own death
    a very very long time ago
    for I ceased to be a living girl
    it's just my body that does not know

    Hope abandoned me high and dry
    left me in a darkned room
    and here I remain to this day
    living inside a blackened tomb

    When my dreams died,I died with them
    I simply ceased to be
    for without hope and my dreams
    there simply is nothing left of me

    I go through the motions
    with half hearted desire
    lurking in eternal damnation
    like some condemned vampire

    Only it is not me who drains blood
    no, the world around me does that
    sucks me dry and leaves me empty
    upon my grave the world has spat

    You see, the truth of the matter is this
    as the shroud does unfurl
    I'm a zombie walking this earth
    just another living dead girl
    Monday, June 13th, 2005
    11:04 pm
    brain (poem)
    Black rotting festering fetid mind
    decomposing flesh in my head
    metastasizing cancer of the psyche
    die brain die
    and die again
    useless senseless worthless
    I don't want you
    I don't need you
    What have you done for me lately
    other than torture
    and torment
    me to the brink of madness
    You serve no purpose
    but to enslave me in this Hell
    You will never let me go
    I am your prisoner
    sentenced to life and
    even eternity
    you haunt me
    abuse me
    confuse me
    misuse me
    mislead me
    betrayer
    I hate you
    I wish I could
    yank you out of my own head
    and pound you with a hammer
    die brain die die die
    you sadistic monster
    you fuck me over
    fuck me up
    and I have had enough
    2:41 pm
    dead inside
    Living dead girl

    I have a pulse

    my heart beats on

    inside I am dead

    emotionally necrotic

    completely neurotic

    sick in the head

    Why am I living

    I wish that I was dead

    For all intents and purposes

    I am dead anyway

    I'm not really alive

    not in any way that counts

    vital signs don't

    mean a damn thing

    when inside I am

    decomposing

    Rotting away

    hollowed out

    as if I drank bleach

    and my body forgot to die

    along with my spirit

    and my mind

    A festering mental cancer

    like a mass of tumors

    oh no that's just my brain

    exise it please

    cut it out NOW

    Make the noise stop

    silence all the sounds

    I just want some

    peace of mind

    want some quiet

    need some dead time

    Haunted relentlessly

    my ghosts clank their chains

    endlessly, clamorously

    my demons demand to

    be recognized

    someone please call a priest

    I need an exorcism

    cast out the blackness

    grant me absolution

    help me find some peace

    My flesh may be living

    my soul is long gone

    my heart may be beating

    my blood may be pulsing

    thru my veins

    my hope died

    a long time ago

    no reason for me to

    keep going on

    too many tears

    I have cried

    I just want set free

    dead out and inside
    Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
    1:28 pm
    misery loves company only i've become its slave
    blahblahblah. same shit, different day. I don't know if happiness is even a possibility for bi-polar people. I can take the meds, and they help, but bottom line is, I can never escape myself. I am my own prison and I am serving a life sentence. I just spent four days awake and manic. It's pretty s.o.p for me to crash like this, downward spiral is inevitable. People find me so entertaining when I am manic. They don't seem to have much use for me otherwise. Guys say hi and if I'm not in the mood to talk dirty, they're gone. Assclowns. Like they're all that amusing, anyway. Being good at dirty talk is a curse for me. Not the sort of thing that attracts decent guys. Ha. There's an oxymoron. Pretty much most straight men SUCK. I seem to mesh well with certain gay men. Too bad I ain't cut right and they ain't a surgeon. Maybe I just don't relate to anyone. I've always been the weird chick, tho, I'd hoped by this age-32- I'd lost the label. I'm different, different is not a synonymn for weird. Living in this rural conservative area though, I supposed with my open mind and dark interests, I'm a curiosity. I'm just me. I can't be anything else. They can bite me if they don't like it.
    Ugh...One of those days where nothing interests me. I have no enthusiasm here. I wish my brain would shut up and let me go back to sleep. Ha, sleep is the only time I'm really content and at peace. Too bad I couldn't have some Kevorkian-wanna be dope me into a coma. Wake me up when the world isn't a putrid festering cess pool of cruelty.
    I believe in the easter bunny too.
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