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Tuesday, April 19th, 2005

Posted by:cranes.
Time:2:56 pm.
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 20-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm ... or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High. "Yes, I did," he said.

"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered: "In 1983. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked:

"What did you teach?"
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Sunday, March 27th, 2005

Subject:stupid suthrn joke but kinda gets ya
Posted by:lostmizipian.
Time:8:42 pm.
Bubba and boss man sat in the mechanic shop watchin the old tv behind the desk when oscar de la hoya comes on the screen in an advertisement for his next big match...bubba looks at boss man and says,"Boss man i kno that oscar and i bet yoiu 2,000 dollars that if u fly me and you up to that there new york city we'll get into his fight and spend the weekend with his family." Now boss man thought this out and said, "Bubba you dont know no Oscar de la Hoya but i like the sound of 2,000 dollars and everybody loves a good fight so why not." So Bubba and Boss Man go to the fight in NYC and the get right on through security and get front row seats and then oscar's ppl come up to them afterwards and invite them to the back and then oscar invites them to spend the weekend and cover their tickets back, especially glad to see Bubba. THis stumps bossman and he's out 2,000 dollars but he did get to meet De La Hoya so it wasnt all bad...
Two weeks later boss man and bubba are watchin tv again and good ol' G.W. graces the screen..bubba shoots up and says, "Thats my ol' huntin buddy, Boss man i feel real bad bout u loosin that 2,000 and ima give u a chance to win that two plus another back if i dont kno that there G.W. u pay for the bus ride to texas and we'll be at his rally and then stay at camp david for the weekend, food aint great but it is the President." Boss man looked at bubba like he just shit a chicken.."Bubba i could imagine u some how knowin that Oscar De La Hoya but aint no way G.W. was ur huntin buddy but i could stand that money back and an extra two to make up for these trips so lets go." Bubba and Boss man get to the rally and yet again Bubba is ushered right through security to the head table G.W. is elated to see him and even talks to Boss Man when he gets a minute. They even spend the weekend at camp david and take that real big plane back home.
Three weeks later and boss man is thinkin about gettin rid of that TV and bubba is dressing a little better and Boss mans wallet is real empty they see the Pope on TV, "Boss man Boss man i kno that there little Polish man, i bet u ur four thousand and two more if u fly us to that vatican city for the big rally he's gonna have..." Boss man thinks and he really wants his money back and there aint NO WAY bubba knows the pope and they're gonna be in a real big crowd so its a sure win..Boss man and bubba take a flight to Italy and arrive the day of the rally. "Now Boss man, I want u to stand on this crate and look for the pope okay, ill be there wavin." Bubba finds the pope and he is joyous at seein bubba again and invites him for a ride in the pope mobile. Bubba rides along wavin and smilin but never sees boss man. Hours later the crowd clears and Bubba sees bossman passed out next to the great. He goes and wakes him and says, "Now boss man sleepin through the procession dont make u the winner." Boss man looks at bubba real bewildered and says, "I saw you everybody saw you, and you kno Bubba take the money cause i can handle you knowing that boxer, and imagine that you somehow were the presidents huntin buddy, but Bubba when i was standing on that crate and some man asked me who that little bald guy riding with Bubba was i just couldnt take it.."

ya thats real long and real stupid but havin Sgt. Allen tell it to me made it kinda worth it. sry about typos
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Thursday, March 24th, 2005

Posted by:cranes.
Time:4:06 pm.
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian"

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER !
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Friday, January 28th, 2005

Posted by:cranes.
Time:5:33 pm.
The Birth Order, Part I

Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

GRANDCHILDREN: ...God's reward for allowing your children to live.
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Thursday, January 20th, 2005

Posted by:cranes.
Time:10:20 am.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

   
 
 Read more... )

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Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

Posted by:cranes.
Time:8:35 am.
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."
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Monday, November 8th, 2004

Posted by:cranes.
Time:2:46 pm.
Dear Omo
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since
the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In
fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My unfeeling and uncaring S.O.B. husband started to berate me about how clumsy
I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to
another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried
to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come
out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid
Omo with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of
the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the
detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were
negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be
considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! I
thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Jiffy bag people.
Signed: A Relieved Menopausal Wife
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Thursday, September 30th, 2004

Subject:A Woman Scorned - Brilliant!
Posted by:cranes.
Time:8:56 am.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and


suitcases.


On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.


On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful


dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music,


and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay.


When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited


a few half-eaten shrimp shells,dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the


curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for


the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried


everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were


checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air


fresheners were hung everywhere.


Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which


they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to


replace the expensive wool carpeting.


Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen


refused to work in the house...The maid quit...


Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.





A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could


not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even


the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase


new place.


The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told


her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she


missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce


settlement in exchange for getting the house back..


Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell


was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of


what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers


that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the


paperwork.


A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they


watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...


....including the curtain rods.


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU???
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Thursday, May 20th, 2004

Posted by:epic.
Time:3:14 pm.
A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man
Love, To forgive him and
Patience, For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.
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Posted by:epic.
Time:3:12 pm.
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband
when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."
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Posted by:epic.
Time:10:05 am.
Charles' sickly, widowed father was not expected to live much longer and he
would inherit a fortune upon his father's passing, Charles decided he
needed a woman with whom to enjoy his fortune.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath
away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a
week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles and the next day she became his stepmother.

Will men ever learn?
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Posted by:epic.
Time:10:04 am.
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots'
uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and
the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down
the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight
for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will
plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment,
the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all
retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in
good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob,
one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna
die. . "
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Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

Posted by:epic.
Time:3:13 pm.
Now I know the answers to life )
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Friday, April 23rd, 2004

Posted by:epic.
Time:11:36 am.
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom & sees a letter over the bed.

With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

"It is with great regret & sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my
new boyfriend. I found real passion & he is so nice, with all his piercings
& tattoos & his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant & Billy-Bob said that we will be
very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children
with me & that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone & we'll be growing it for us
& his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine & ecstasy we may
want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure for Billy-Bob
to get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now & I know how to take care of
myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren."

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to
show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card
that's in my desk drawer...I love you.








Good one!!! )
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Friday, March 5th, 2004

Posted by:epic.
Time:8:16 am.
Chain letters - a must read )
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Monday, February 23rd, 2004

Posted by:epic.
Time:10:49 am.
Cinderella )
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Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

Posted by:epic.
Time:8:00 am.
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first 'ever physical exam.

After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems.

I did notice one anomaly, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor.

"I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called ......"


(I hate to do this to you)




"The Indian Nipplel ess Five Hundred!"
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Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

Subject:lol... believe it makes sense
Posted by:lunar_dolphin.
Time:10:04 am.
ten reasons why serbs can't be terrorists

10. 8:45 am is too early for us to be up.

9. we are always late ... we would have missed all 4 flights.

8. good-looking people on the plane distract us.

7. we would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

6. food and drinks were on the plane (we would be pissed and dancing).

5. we talk with our hands, we would have put our weapons down.

4. we would all want to fly the plane.

3. we would argue and start a fight in the plane.

2. we would have put the serb flag on the windshield of the plane



... and the number one reason why serbs can't be terrorists:

1. we would have told everyone a week before doing it.
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Subject:v-day
Posted by:lunar_dolphin.
Time:9:06 am.
these are entries to a washington post competation asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but... the least romantic second line:

love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but i only slept with you, because i was pissed.

i thought that i could love no other
until, that is, i met your brother.

roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
but the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty,
and so is your head.

of loving beauty you float with grace
if only you could hide your face.

kind, intelligent, loving and hot
this describes everything you are not.

i want to feel your sweet embrace
but don't take that paper bag off of your face.

i love your smile, your face, and your eyes
damn, i'm good at telling lies

my darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
marrying you screwed up my life.

i see your face when i am dreaming
that's why i always wake up screaming.

my feelings for you no words can tell
except for maybe "go to hell".

what inspired this amorous rhyme?
two parts vodka, one part lime.
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Thursday, February 12th, 2004

Posted by:epic.
Time:10:06 am.
There are only 10 times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable.
Read more... )
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