Amanda's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Amanda

[ website | World of MANDAKINS ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

I'm sick of chasing broken hearts, and all my distant dreams........................................ [01 Nov 2003|04:13pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | "Under the circumstances" starstruck ]

I thought I'd let ya'll know, I'm back to this coooool look. yesh

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Back to the years, and all those tears........... [23 Sep 2003|05:08pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | Nirvana ]

Hm, today was, well another day. I went to school, i barely had slept, and i was dead. I fell asleep on the bus, then advisory was somewhat interesting. Hector and severance got into a fight... again. it was interesting. Im failing math, nothing new. I bombed the last test, BIG TIME. And it sucks, but i know that im trying as hard as i can, i just dont get math. Im perfectly fine in all my other classes, just math i have a problem in. Damn it to hell. Well.... school was boring, and I had a horribly bad day again. Nothing new. I had peer coaching after school. Kara and Carrington joined. Im so excited! I just met kara.. i think her last name is stevensen or soemthing. Shes great. But anyway, peer coaghing was fun. Then i came home, where im at now. And i have a load of homework today. Matt told me he was in love with me last night, and i told ryan to back off. Then he told me something thats GREAT. Real great, i gues. Maybe not so much. But i wont know until.... then. Yeah, im gonna go now. BYE bye.. i heading off on my journey..........

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Do you want to celebrate, our just made little holiday.............................................. [22 Sep 2003|06:14pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | "Cross My Heart" The Rocket Summer (again) ]

Ugh, bad day. Well advisory was great because i was bouncing off the walls and throwing marshmallows from lucky charms, and cracking jokes left and right. man i was laughing, and so was everyone else. Woo it was great. I said "there will be no fingers in this classroom" and everyone thought it was funny, i worded it wrong. It wasnt my fault.. well it was, but you know. Then after advisory it all went down hill. I got pissed off. jake makes me SO INCREDIBLY MAD! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhg. He's been a jack ass lately, and even AFTER i confronted hima bout it, nothings changed. It pisses me off. But you know what? FUCK HIM! He may be one of the best guy friends i've ever had, but i dont need him. Okay, im lying. I DO need him, but wether or not i want to put up with his shit, now thats the thing. I dont want to put up with him anymore. He treets me like im not around ever since him and emily started dateing. But you know what? If he wants to completlely forget about me, all because he has a girlfriend, then thats his beef. I can move on and live happily ever after.

I had special olympics coaching today, went well. Like always.

I have so much homework. I dont feel like doing it. More peer coaching tomorrow. Tests and shit. Ahg i hate school already.......... i hate everything and everyone right now. I was so happy lastnight.... what happend?

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In fact i wish your heart was mine......... [21 Sep 2003|10:12pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | "Cross My Heart" The Rocket Summer (again) ]

SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (TODAY) I woke up, went to churcha in the early wee morning light! THEN WE HUNG OUT AT CHURCH for a bit, someone wouldnt stop fucking following me grrrr, and ryan told thom to stop flirting with me, then thom made a funny comment about it when ryan left, wich was grreat cuz it was FUNNY. Then me and tay and dj went to the mall, and we made dj try on aero clothes, and he made us try on one piece black people clothing. It was great..... then we went back to church for practice. POOR ivan! he's so sick, and i feel so bad for him. Thom and Ivan and Alex all went to thoms because ivan was in great pain. THen i dont know what happend after that, but thom came back and said that ivan was doing better. Wich is good. We ahd our service. ELISE WAS THERE! I HAVENT SEEN HER IN AGES! and we talked about dwight and what not, and i realized a lot wich i'll post later. THEN after service i hung around, said bye to leah. SHe's going to cali to be reunited with her hubby. ehr huby went out there in search of jobs, and she stayed here for a few weeks after. Now she's leavint tomorrow. Im gonna be in tears all day monday. But its all good. Then i gave hugs to everyone. I got picked up and swung around by so many damn people. HAHAH I KISSED TONY ON THE LIPS. but it was a friendly kiss, if u know what i mean. Yeah, you should. Then i hugged all the people, i was hugging thom when him and tony decided to do a SANDWICH on me. So they squished me. Then me, tay, brooke, and elise road home in elises new CONVERTABLE and talked about what happend with me and dwight the german jerk. yep... thats about it. im off to french BRAID my hair, then to bed! nighty night. IM HAPPY TODAY for the first time in so long.... woowhoo

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this was written around 11 oclock in this morning. so dont pay attention to the time [20 Sep 2003|10:59pm]
Dadadadadada! Whats UP YA'LL? Im so damn bored! Today is going to be fantastical! *the pigs at my bush* Yes, im very random today, so dont be SCURRED (mwaha) when i go randomish, cuz i'll do it alot! Yesterday was G-R-A-N-D!!! I had schooooooooooool, wich is neverrr fun. But what sha'll i do? I HAVE to go to school dont i? Yes, i do. But anyway, i got home from school FRIDAY WOOHOO right? Wrong. My parents wanted ME to go to my grandparents with them cuz they are helping them move. So i went along for the ride, just for the hell of it. HA i wasnt going to help, i was going to walk around aimlessly in the neighborhood looking for longlost friends. *cows in the meadow, beaks in the pond** So, i walked around and i found one of my old friends from two summers ago. We hung out, it was fantabulistic. Honestly, it was. But thats never the point. The POINT is that i had fun. But whatever. I walked back to my granny and grampys home to find out the my uncle mike has a huge as splinter lunged into his hand so deap. Him and my gramps went to the hospiTAL. And the rest continued to pack. it was ten o clock when we left. ANd me, was hungry. So me and my rents went to LONESTAR and i was half asleep the whole time. But the food was peachy. Then we walked to the car, man it was FREEEEZING, and then we drove an hour and half home. it was eleven thirty by the time we got home, i ddnt say anything, i went upstairs and didnt talkt o anyone. I just went upstairs to sleep. Then i woke up this morning at 11. ANd today im sposed to go to the mall with tayber (blackheart1440) and then later im going to key wester with julie and stina and i think someone else.. and i have to dress up. and all were buying is 850 DOLALR SALADS! mwahahah cheep asses we are! tomorrow is church all day..... yay. Im going to go
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this was written around 11 oclock in this morning. so dont pay attention to the time [20 Sep 2003|10:59pm]
Dadadadadada! Whats UP YA'LL? Im so damn bored! Today is going to be fantastical! *the pigs at my bush* Yes, im very random today, so dont be SCURRED (mwaha) when i go randomish, cuz i'll do it alot! Yesterday was G-R-A-N-D!!! I had schooooooooooool, wich is neverrr fun. But what sha'll i do? I HAVE to go to school dont i? Yes, i do. But anyway, i got home from school FRIDAY WOOHOO right? Wrong. My parents wanted ME to go to my grandparents with them cuz they are helping them move. So i went along for the ride, just for the hell of it. HA i wasnt going to help, i was going to walk around aimlessly in the neighborhood looking for longlost friends. *cows in the meadow, beaks in the pond** So, i walked around and i found one of my old friends from two summers ago. We hung out, it was fantabulistic. Honestly, it was. But thats never the point. The POINT is that i had fun. But whatever. I walked back to my granny and grampys home to find out the my uncle mike has a huge as splinter lunged into his hand so deap. Him and my gramps went to the hospiTAL. And the rest continued to pack. it was ten o clock when we left. ANd me, was hungry. So me and my rents went to LONESTAR and i was half asleep the whole time. But the food was peachy. Then we walked to the car, man it was FREEEEZING, and then we drove an hour and half home. it was eleven thirty by the time we got home, i ddnt say anything, i went upstairs and didnt talkt o anyone. I just went upstairs to sleep. Then i woke up this morning at 11. ANd today im sposed to go to the mall with tayber (blackheart1440) and then later im going to key wester with julie and stina and i think someone else.. and i have to dress up. and all were buying is 850 DOLALR SALADS! mwahahah cheep asses we are! tomorrow is church all day..... yay. Im going to go
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Cross my heart, Hope to die, I swear i wont say what happend that night............................. [20 Sep 2003|10:59pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | "Cross My Heart" The Rocket Summer ]

today was pretty good. Me and tay went to the mall and we saw tons of people. I got a dickies hat (pink) and a vans belt (checkerd pink and white) i saw my "kiss me im a pirate shirt" but they didnt have it in my size :(. Then we got gloria jeans and walked around for a while. WE got bored so we went to buy the way to get loli pops and we saw Lily and Michelle so we sat down and talked to them until we had to LEAVE. Then icame home, and now im in a bad mood. i finally told jake whats been on my mind. Here goes it... i'll paste the convo, cuz nobody reads this but tay and ross, and their my bestest pals, so tis all good... and jake doesnt even get the fact that YEAH I LIKE/LIKED him. what a dumbass

MYtwinsblack383: can i tell you something? and you have to promise not to get angry?


MYtwinsblack383: actualy ihave two things


jake: ok...


MYtwinsblack383: number one.. is remember last year when you REALLY liked me, and i always said i didnt? Well, I did. But i didnt want you to know i liked you, because i knew that if we went out and then broke up, things would suck afterwards, and we wouldnt be close anymore. And NUMBER TWO is more of a question. Do you even really CARE about me at all anymore (as a friend)? Because lately it just seems to me as tho im just another person to you. Ever since you and emily started going out, You havent made the effort to really talk to me anymore, and all you ever seem to care about or think about or talk about is her. And yeah, i know shes your girlfriend and all, but im supposed to be one of your bestfriends, but i dont feel like i am anymore. i just feel like another person you happen to talk to from time to time. And i dont need that


jake: oh my god im sorry... i didnt realize that


jake: i dont try to make u feel like that


jake: i just talk about emily alot cuz im truly happy for the first time in a long time and i just really really like her. and i do try to talk to u but im never w/ u


MYtwinsblack383: i know, but the reason your never around me or with me is cuz now your with all your "new" friends, and im like.. left in the dust i guess.


MYtwinsblack383: Yeah, i understand that your happy and everything, and maybe im just jealous that you have someone. Or maybe im just jealous that someones not me. Whatever it is, it makes me mad i guess


jake: amanda, the only class i can talk to in is gym, and i try to talk to u as much as i can... but sometiems ur w/ ur friends that i dont know so i dont realy make an effort until ur w/ ppl i know or by urself


MYtwinsblack383: no jake, lately during gym im the one coming up to YOU because your with brendan or some shit

jake: but i always wait for u to come out from the locker rooms cuz im out there first and i do wait for u


MYtwinsblack383: not lately you havent! the only person who comes up to me is PAUL. Ur ALWAYS with other people, then i walk up to you,a nd if your with brendan.. you act like u dont want me there

jake: ....really?


MYtwinsblack383: YES REALLY

jake: shit.


jake: i didnt know that


MYtwinsblack383: well, now you do

jake: im really REALLY SORRY


MYtwinsblack383: alright

jake: please forgive me... i dont try to do that, and i really do wanna be with you


MYtwinsblack383: i forgive you, but you may not TRY to do that, but you do.


MYtwinsblack383: Maybe this whole thing is jealousy and im taking it way to far, but.. idk

jake: well ill try to be the one coming to u


MYtwinsblack383: dont just do it because you feel sorry for me, only talk to me if you WANT to

jake: i always wanna talk to u.... cuz i seriously thought i do come to u


jake: but i guess not


MYtwinsblack383: okay

jake: wait.... do u like me or something?


MYtwinsblack383: it doesnt matter

jake: YES it does


MYtwinsblack383: You have a girlfriend, Your happy. thats all that matters


MYtwinsblack383: no, it doesnt

jake: uhhh, yea it does cuz even tho i have a gf, i still wanna know if someone likes me


jake: ESPECIALLY if its u


MYtwinsblack383: no, it really doesnt


MYtwinsblack383: why especially if its me?


MYtwinsblack383: its ME

jake: cuz ur my best friend and i wanna know whats up

MYtwinsblack383: fine, you want to know whats up? fine i'll TELL YOU whats up


jake: ok


MYtwinsblack383: I LIKE YOU JAKE! THERE THATS WHATS UP! and i've been PISSED ever since you and emily started dateing. NOT TO MENTION the fact that you didnt even mention her to me, i had to read it on your profile. but whatever

MYtwinsblack383: it doesnt matter, like i said

jake: yea it does


jake: how long have u liked me?


MYtwinsblack383: why? why does it matter? tell me that


MYtwinsblack383: i dont know


MYtwinsblack383: a while


jake: god WHY THE FUCK DIDNT U SAY THIS BEFORE?


MYtwinsblack383: JAKE! I FUCKING DID TELL YOU THAT! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

jake: YOU TOLD ME YOU LIKED ME BUT U WERENT REALLY SURE


MYtwinsblack383: I STILL TOLD YOU!

jake: BUT I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT IT BECUASE LAST YEAR THE SAME THING HAPPEND BUT YOU SAID IT REALLY WAS FALSE FEELING


MYtwinsblack383: I KNOW JAKE! THATS WHY I DIDNT MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT!

jake: ok i dont wanna fight with you
MYtwinsblack383: whatever
jake: do u like me alot?
MYtwinsblack383: im getting off
MYtwinsblack383: now that doesnt matter. it REALLY doesnt matter
jake: no just please tell me
MYtwinsblack383: how much i liek you makes no difference on your life whatso ever
jake: just tell me
MYtwinsblack383: I LIKE YOU ALOT JAKE! there, okay?
MYtwinsblack383: im getting off now
jake: ok

****************************end of convo

YEAH, i was being a bitch, but you know what? im sick of him throwing me off to the side just because he got a damn girlfriend! it pisses me off. Yes yall might think im a psycho, but whatever, it doesnt matter. like i told him A MILLION times

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WOOHOO!!!!!! new sn's for mandakins [18 Sep 2003|05:39pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | armor for sleep ]

Amanda was getting bored with her sn. so she made two new ones. Thanks to ADAM i've created myTWINSblack383 and thanks to myself i've created DORKUSmalorkus383

its alllllll good! right! there has been NOTHING EVENTFUL in the past two days taht i can think of. Wednesday i babsat from 4-9.. nothing to fun. Hector asked me to homecoming.. what sha'll i say? i dont know if i WANT to go at all. Its not so fun. NOt like you think. Homecmooing is going to be gay, yessir it is. But whaaterver and i have so many damn spelling typos cuz i dont feel like deleting what i mess up on cuz im wierd like that and there will be no more punctuation in this paragraph today school was okay for me i had a little fun and yeah thats about it ive been cleaning since four oclock and it is now five something im in the mood to clean isnt it wierd yes goodbye IM me at wichever new sn im on byebye

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She's my california girl..... [16 Sep 2003|05:06pm]
[ mood | angry ]
[ music | Even angels fall ]

I havent updated since saturday i dont think. I'll just start with sunday

Sunday: Woke up, went to early morning service, burnt my tongue on coffea (ouch). Then me and tay went downstairs to watch some of LIGHT COMPANIES stuff. We hung out at church, her dad to us to taco bell, we went to her dads for a bit, then to her moms. Then off to church for our service. We didnt sing, kyle and brooke did. It was a nonsense service cuz we had small groups. I was mad the whole entire time. And people were pissing me off. My small group (all freshman girls) sucks ass. Its completely ridiculous. I came home, and did nothing

Monday: School all day. I barely slept, i was to tired to think strait. School is suuch a drag. But afterschool was AWESOME. Me and RAY-chul are being peer coaches for the special olympics. Its so much fun. Monday and tuesydas. MJonday was our first day. We were in the work out room doing cardeo and weight lifting. Were doing that stuff till november. I got such a work out

Tuesday: Today, sucked. I was tired again, no sleep. I had a horrible day, people were pissing me off, and above all, i was thinking about dwight. I was all teary eyed during lunch cuz me and drea were listening to songs that reminded us of him. yeah, how perfect,e h? After school was so much better. Yet again i had special olympics. I got an other great workout. Im a little to over worked and tired, but eh, oh well. its so much fun. These kids are GREAT!!!!!!!!! One of them was playing with my hair and ray-chul got jealous. It was pretty great! Ya'll probably think im a nerd, but this is seriously one of the most inspiring things i could do in highschool. Helping the disabled feel more comfortable, and make them feel like they belong, its like AMAZINGLY uplifting. yeah, you mostly wouldnt care. But oh well

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If i'd stayed, if you tried, if we could only turn back time.... [13 Sep 2003|11:14pm]
Arg this uncontrolable crying, isnt exactly HELPING. Michael Jackson "You are not alone" and old conversations with dwight are REALLY GETTING TO ME. i've had the hardest time trying to force myself to get over him. When really, im physically and MENTALLY not ready to get over him. he was the first guy i ever truly loved. Sure i thought i was in love with ross and allen, but hey, we all think that about people, and till we REALLY realize that it wasnt what we thought when it was all over. But Dwight, I know my feelings are REAL for him. They still are. We've been broken up since the 22cnd of August. A day after or anniversary(kindof wierd i spose)and yet im still completely and udderly as in love with him as i was then, if not more in love. I thought that breaking up would mean that my feelings would resolve too, but maybe i was wrong. Really wrong. You cant stop loving someone, simply because you want to. Time has to heal it, if it really wants to. Maybe Time doesnt want to heal me, because I'm not ready to be healed. What if theres another chance for me and dwight down the line? (not finished)
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A new hero for amanda [13 Sep 2003|09:45pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | none ]

jon is officially my hero.




darkwonder98: alright...this was in the summer after 7th grade right before 8th and i was going on my first outdoor climbing trip. And the first climb i was gonna do was Centinal tower, A 180ft climb. 4 people have died climbing it for various reasons, mainly cause they forgot to do somthing or didnt tie knots right or things like that. It was a 5:8 climb and at the time i was climbing 5:9 (the 5:8 and 5:9 thingy is like how hard a climb is...it goes from 5:1 which would be like a ladder all the way up to 5:15 which is the highest ever recorded and is the hardest climb in the world, right now i climb at about 5:11) anyways, it was pretty tough but i made it to the top...I spent about 15 min on the summit of the tower which is like 5ft by 8ft and once two more guys made it up it was time for me to head down the tower. the way you go down a climb outdoors is by repelling, if you've ever seen army movies where guys have to get out of the hellicoptors by usign the ropes thats what repelling is...I had never repelled before in my life and the only guy there who had was hispanic and spoke broken english. all he was able to tell me was "hold on tight and dont let go no matter what". I'd seen peopel repell before so i wasnt really woried, so i learned back held on with my right hand for the break and slightly loosened it to start my decent. I started going down and it was so much fun all seemed well, what i didnt know is that you had to keep on moving your feet. i went down about 10 ft when all of a sudden i got fliped upside-down. not puting on the break fast enough my rope got tangeled in my repelling device. I started to panic because all the blood was going to my head and i didnt know what to do. i started fidling with the mess i made with the rope and couldnt untangle it. forgeting the one thing i was told about repelling i let go of my break hand to help untangle the rope. the instant i fixed the rope i immeaditly started to free fall, still upside-down... It happened so fast i barley had time to react but i knew i was gonna die and there was nothing i could do about it. I fell for about 60 or 70ft and the moment i realized that i was gonna die in the next second the rope got tangled and there was a huge whiplash...It had happened so i could barley tell what was going on and was so confused. after like 2 seconds i realized i was just barley hanging on so I grabed hold of the wall and fliped myself over. my repelling device was so tangled up there was no way i could fix it with one hand on the wall. so i had to unclip from the wall and freeclimb (climbing without a rope) up 80ft and then pull up the rope and try repelling down again...i didnt wanna down climb because thats very difficult to do verus going up and it was a hundred feet down but eighty feet up

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Im learning to breath in these abundant skies [13 Sep 2003|01:10pm]
Dwights got a girlfriend. She's exactly like me apparntly. He even said it.

Dwightness7: i keep comparing girls to you and she is exactly like you

see? i dont get it, he couldnt be with me, yet he's comparing every girl to me

i dontk now why him having a girlfriend hurts me.
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Im finding that you and you alone can break my fall..... [13 Sep 2003|10:57am]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Learning to breath ]

Yesterday... yeah lets start with that. School again, not so great, not so bad either. Anthony asked me out....I dont like him, i can honestly say that. Yeah, he's a sweet boy, but more then a friend, not really. Yesterday was pretty boring, our LUNCH conversation (me, andrea, erin, and rachel) was pretttttty interesting. BUt im not gonna go there. End of school, then i went to the game around 7. I hung out with jake and scott for all of 10 minutes cuz jakes GIRLFRIEND got there. And so i left.... i hung out with taylor and andrea for all of maybe 10 minutes too, cuz adam wanted me to help him find the girl with his sweatshirt on. And we hung out all night. Cody kissed me TWICE cuz i kissed him on the cheak and he kept moving his head so i'd kiss his lips instead. All his fault man. AHG. ANd i was pissed off... about something else but yeah. Right before the game ended i walked adam some of the way home.... there were signs and lights and trees. Nevermind, you wouldnt understand. Then i walked back to the game, found stina and taylor and julie, we all waited for stina's mom. I talked to juan for a bit.. then we all left. I came home, and my instant messenger wasnt working, so i sat outside till about 12, then went to bed. Yep, very interesting day. Today im babysitting caitlyn knobe from about 3 till 7. Oh boy. Then tomorrow will be another FUN FILLED church day

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no such thing as you've lost it all [11 Sep 2003|08:48pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | some song on the disney channel.. a RECESS song ]

UM TODAY.. advisory was GREAT AGAIN because mr. severance called SKYLER a smart ass and hector told severance off.... and yeah it was just peachy. The rest of the day blew. We had picture day, i think mine turned out OKAY.. hopefully. i had to babysit caitlyn knobe today for 2 hours. got 13 dollars. Pretty good for two hours. I babysit her on saturdays now.. woohoo. Money money money. IM essited about this weekend. Yeah.. i am. I got asked to homecoming by anthony. The kid who told me i had beautiful eyes and what not. yeah, i told him i'd think about it. i wanna keep my OPTIONS open. ya know. same ol' story. peace.

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If you need to tell me how you feel, Please, Dont be scared.... [10 Sep 2003|07:59pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | Im going down ]

Hm today, was better then yesterday, but still no bundle of joy. I had school, again, no shit. Advisory was hysterical as always. Severnace.. man.. i could make fun of him all day. Maybe its not that class i like so much.. maybe its someone in the class... SH i did not say that. Well ANYWAY.. at lunch, i felt bored, so i went over and talked to jon and jay and milap. Yeah.. we had some interesting conversations. APPARENTLY Jon is starting this website with peoples online conversations that are EXTREMELY interesting. I say GO FOR IT, hope he does well. I saw tay without her braces. AWWWW SHE'S SO ADORKABLE! and i love her for it. But yeah.. umm.... tomorrow we have picture day. WICH i bet i will look like ULTIMATE SHIT. Nothing new. I always do, or atleast i FEEL like i do. I know its not all about looks, but mostly personality, but i feel like NO GUY will ever care for me, because im not pretty. But, who wants to go into all that? I sure dont. I have to babysit Chris Knobe's little sister from 415-900 tomorrow.... woohoo. Atleast it pays, RIGHT? Im starting some sort of job thing here. I NEED MONEY, so my moms gonna help me make some flyer things, and i'll hang em out. i say IF WHOEVER GETS THEM DOESNT HAVE KIDS, SO BE IT, THEY SHOULD TELL THEIR DAMN FRIENDS WITH KIDS, ALL ABOUT ME! mwaha. I need money, i would like to buy things, do things, save money. Yeah, you know. Well i've got SHIT to do. bye

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**oh the pleasures of being D-U-M-P-E-D!*** [09 Sep 2003|05:28pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | The sound of my keyboard making noises as i type loud n hard ]

I thought I'd update ya'll on the fact that Jake is no longer my homecoming date. he's got a girlfriend emily. Wich sucks for me i guess... real bad mainly because i have no date for homecoming, and reasons unmentionable..... Dont get me wrong, Im extremely happy for the kid, really i am. But, i dont know, its one more thing to add to ((THE LIST)). Theres still plenty of time to find a date... im thinking of two people. RIGHT NOW. One i think might already have a date... and the other, could care less. So sucks to be me even more. Im going with mine and stina's plan...............

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i know you dont know me yet but you and me we will be together someday [09 Sep 2003|03:05pm]
[ mood | scared ]
[ music | myself ]

AHHH I CANT STOP SCREAMING AND CRYING AND SHAKING. SOMEONE MAKE ME STOP... im scared to death

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i know you dont know me yet but you and me we will be together someday [09 Sep 2003|03:05pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | everclear "unemployed boyfriend" ]

Today was awful. I woke up and had to write up my lab report, then i had to get ready for school. I had fun in advisory making fun of severance. What a dork, seriously. How many times is he going to ask us if our schedules are okay, and if we know our way around? I'm starting to crush on someone from advisory. But thats between me and... ME. So yeah, you know. I had a really bad day, just because i had so much on my mind, and i was on the verge of tears all day. At lunch i was pissed, arthur kept on with his ridiculously immature comments, and paul put gum in my hair and kept grabbing me around the neck. Wich really angered me. Had the gum actually gotten STUCK in my hair, i would have beaten the shit out of paul. I would have fregardless, on any other given day. Just not today. The bus ride home was fun... but thats about it. Tayber got her braces off... but i did not see her....... oh well. I'll see her tomorrow

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A plan for homecoming at last..... [08 Sep 2003|11:52am]
[ mood | accomplished ]
[ music | Boys of summer- the ataris ]

stina and i have the best damn plan ever for homecoming. Since i feel as tho its completely pointless to go unless its with someone i really care for, and me and stina both agree that homecoming is a stupid tradition where people get dressed up only to suck face at the local highschool while trying to find meaning in there pointless consumer driven lives. Its kindof true. But i want to go and have fun. But i wont have FUN unless there someone i really want to be there with. Theres all these people with great boyfriends or girlfriends and their all going together, and i dont wanna go cuz i'll just be pissed off the whole entire time because they've got this great thing going, and i've got absolutely nothing. but IM HAPPY FOR TAYLOR ANYWAY CUZ HER AND NICK ARE GOING OUT, AND SHE'S HAPPY....... so yay!!!! but yeah. here are me and stina's plans.....

stina247365: o well i think LEAVE ME ALONE! im not going to home coming its a stupid tredition were people get all dressed up to go suck face at the local highschool wiel trying to find meaning in there poinless, consumer driven lives.....and i wont take part

stina247365: call me cold hearted but

OdDgIrLoUt383: you have no idea how much i agree, but regardless of that, i want to have fun. But i only want to go with someone who i LIKE and who likes me too. And if i dont find that person, then im sitting at home on my ass doing nothing

stina247365: haha im sitting home one my flannal nightys ass watching sad movies with ben and jerry wiel chopping down on the pilsberry doughboy

OdDgIrLoUt383: haha, sounds like a PLAN TO ME!

stina247365: good

OdDgIrLoUt383: How about, I join yah, in my umm boxer shorts and t-shirt. lol.. and i'll bring some chocolate and sappy movies?

stina247365: okay

stina247365: ill call ben and jerrry and pick up the pilsberry dough boy

stina247365: in my flannal nightys

OdDgIrLoUt383: hehe alright, sounds good

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U will fly and U will crawl, God knows even angels fall. No such thing as uve lost it all. [08 Sep 2003|11:42am]
Ahhhg i havent eaten since saturday night. Theres nothing in my house that tickles my fancy either. Ahhg. Today i'll be cleaning and doing homework ALL DAY. No school, hell yes. I rented lord of the rings: the two towers, the sound of music, where the heart is, and identity. So i plan on watching them. I saw lord of the rings on saturday night, but im gonna see it for the 5th time again. Cuz i love it, okay? that better be okay. I was talking to thom and ryan last night, and their gonna help me with my self esteem and self conciousness. So, i guess thats a pretty good thing! Me and Andrea talked last night, things are good. I admit i was a bitch lastnight at church, but we talked everything over. She made me realize a lot of things last night..........




OdDgIrLoUt383: i do care drea, i DO CARE. but lately, i havent been able to listen to peoples troubles, because im to wrapped up in my own

OdDgIrLoUt383: and that sounds selfish, but i cant help other people, till i help myself

Andrea: But, u niglect to tell me that! If u would actually open up and we could talk like we did before, someone, maybe be ((i doubt that, but im ALWAYS willing to try)) could try and talk to u and help you work some stuff out because i can tell that u have shit ur completely holding back and its eating u slowly from the inside and u need to talk to someone.

Andrea: maybe me****

Andrea: Maybe im not the person u feel u can talk to right now, but, im always here for u..but if not me, then SOMEONE

OdDgIrLoUt383: And i know u think im probably a bitch for saying what im saying about you and matt. But sometimes people dont want to hear it, because their envious of the kind of relationship you have. And i dont know, i know it bothers me. YOu know it does, because i've always wanted something like that. And the one relationshp i did have like that, i completely fucked up. And we both know well enough what im talking about. I know i've neglected to tell you what i've been feeling. But i dont know how to tell anyone anything anymore. Expecially my dwight stuff. Because i come off as being COMPLETELY over him, and all okay. But the truth is, im not okay. My heart is dead. I've lost all the love i've ever given him. ANd i gave him all the love i could. And drea, i do want to tell you things, because i know you'll understand, but these days im afraid to say anything. I dont know why, but this fear has grown in me

Andrea: AHH manda, you SHOULDNT feel worried about telling me because im always willing to help the best i can and give u my all because i know what u mean about the whole..not over dwight thing, and honestly to tell u, theres something about him that tells me hes not over you either. I dont know if that even helps, but im just letting you know that theres stuff between you two that U NEED to settle because u are both hurting from eachother and its not gonna get better unless u guys do something about it. Manda, as much as i know u DONT wanna tell him, u HAFTA tell him how u feel because maybe something will come up and it will make u feel better. ((IM REALLY SORRY FOR BRINGING UP "him )) Like..ahh today in church, when that guy said something about me and matt in the parking lot, and then everyone was all like "ohhhhh"..That made me and matt SO FUCKING PISSED OFF that we walked out, that was completely disrespectful of him but...later on when we came back, we went to talk to him, and he apologized so then there was closure and it made us feel better than we did before. Im not saying that u and dwight need "closure" but to a certain extent, u do. You NEEd to talk to him about whats going on between you two,
manda, uve never held anything from him and now is the worst time to start. Theres always gonna be this tention between u guys if u dont settle ur feelings and set them straight and open up to eachother.

OdDgIrLoUt383: I know that i need to tell him, but im SCARED TO DEATCH. Because if we do have closure, its going to be over for GOOD. And i dont know if i want that. I mean.... i still love him so much, and i dont want to be completely over forever. Because one day, i do want to be with him. Maybe for the rest of my life, maybe not. But either way, im not over him, nor do i want to be. And i know what you mean about matt, and its okay you mentioned him, cuz it was a realting story not something else. And i completely know what you mean, and i know i should tell him. And i guess im just not wanting to settle it cuz it means im really going to have to MOVE ON. and .. im not ready for that

Andrea: I know exactly what u mean but u atleast need to tell him that u arent over him


im going to clean, buhbye
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