The road not taken...   
02:37pm 08/06/2004
mood: crushed
music: Whole again - Atomic Kitten
Here I am again. I think I've traveled down this road before. Maybe in a different mode of transport. But yes, this same road. Were I to take the other path, the one less traveled, would there be a different ending? How different?

I know that broken hearts are unavoidable. What I didn't know was that, it's harder every time.
     2 Sexy Little Thugs - Come gimme a Hug!
Miss you miss me?   
09:35pm 24/05/2004
mood: melancholy
Ooooooh...I do miss it here. This still feels like home. My family and friends are here!!!

Whatever it's my forwarding address Til I find another....

Am a nomad.
     Come gimme a Hug!
Panty fetish.   
02:05pm 26/04/2004
mood: accomplished
I keep buying pretty undies.

There are so many to choose from... thongs, g-strings, t-strings, panties, boyshorts, low-rise minis, hipsters, maxis, lace, lycra, cotton, brazilian, bikinis, v-strings, hip-huggers, briefs....

Current favourites : Stretch Lace Boyshorts.

Shoes are just not as exciting anymore.

Ooooh Ooooh and I saw PJs in Marks & Spencer with the words
A diamond will do A diamond will do A diamond will do
Finally, pyjamas after my own heart....hmmm...I might need to use it as a subliminal messaging tool.
     2 Sexy Little Thugs - Come gimme a Hug!
Gorgeous males in Baju Melayu Teluk Belanga...yummy!   
09:56am 26/04/2004
mood: hopeful
music: The Prayer - Josh Groban
Last night another cousin got married. Well, it was actually the Wedding Reception. And he is actually a 2nd cousin, really. Who could've been a first cousin 'by marriage' (to Bean or KLina) or husband (?!) to Moi. (I know...eeeeEEEwwww!)

As usual, weddings get me all worked up and the mind starts again on its journey of paranoia. And also, as usual, those closest to me feel its fury. *sigh* But the wedding was lovely. The boys were yummy and the food was gorgeous (ok, ok, the food was yummy and the boys were.... yummier! *grin*). The Bride was beautiful and the Groom....THE GROOM WAS GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR. I haven't seen a groom that happy in a long time. Nice change from all the solemn weddings I've been to lately. Usually the grooms all "control macho" like that. Oh Puh-lease!!!!

In the past 6 months I've attended quite a few weddings of which comparisons can be made. Not in its material context (Forget how big the 'khemahs' were, or how grand the food and decor were, or how tall the cake was or how much moolah the bride's dress cost), I'm talking about the degree of radiance and joy shining on the bride and groom's faces, the closeness of the families and friends, the pleasant 'kepohness' that usually accompanies weddings attended by up to 4 different generations at a time.

Weddings, I believe, are a once-in-a-lifetime occasion and should be one of those days that you treasure for life. One of those days that fall into the category of The Most Happiest Day of Your Life. And to not have that feeling or sense of happiness on your wedding day....well then, that's just sad, ain't it? How do you tell your children or grandchildren about your wedding day if you hated every moment of it? (That is IF you can sustain the marriage long enough to even consider having children).

Cousin Bean's wedding. That split second when she was about to change from 'single' to 'wife', the expression on her face was priceless. And no matter how cynical you are about the whole institution of marriage, you can't help but share her excitement, that slight apprehension, the butterflies, the wobbly knees, the calm and relief when he FINALLY utters those words that seal that lifetime promise.

And then again, we've all watched the Drama Melayus where the brides are forced into marriage by pushy parents who always "know better" and believe that LOVE can ONLY come AFTER marriage. So, here it is... having cold feet before the wedding is good. But having cold feet on your wedding day or even AFTER you're married... definitely something really wrong there.

My Conclusion (read : My dream wedding) : I want to be as happy as Bean on her wedding day. I want the man I am to marry to be as ecstatic about marrying me as Irzhan was last night (well, not to me la...duh!) And I want my friends, cousins and family to share my joy and happiness and look back on their wedding day and remember how happy they were on the happiest day of their life...

P/S : Did I mention all those yummy 2nd cousins?
     2 Sexy Little Thugs - Come gimme a Hug!
Orgy of beautiful people at the movies   
12:23pm 23/04/2004
mood: accomplished
When was the last time I screamed in horror and fright at the movies? It's been awhile. (If you don't count that time when that guy had smelly feet and decided to take off his shoes).

Last night we saw Taking Lives. Free tickets are bliss. Suspense thriller filled by beautiful people aka Angelina Jolie, Ethan "you-can-cut-me-anytime-baby" Hawke, and Olivier "lemme-suck-that accent-right-out-of-ur-mouth" Martinez. Mmmm....mmm...Good!

Elle, EllyB and I banged our heads against each other a few times when screaming at dead bodies popping out of nowhere and random stabbings. *Grin* Fun!

Thanks girls! A night to remember for quite a while.
     Come gimme a Hug!
Shopping on an empty bank account.   
04:58pm 22/04/2004
mood: groggy
Am really too old to survive a whole day at the office on just 2 hours of sleep. Plus, am convinced that working in a predominantly female environment is damaging to one's health. For one thing, the acoustics of the place are strained more than necessary due to the higher pitch it has to contain. And then, there is the level of bitchdom that one has to put up with everyday.

Think I shall leave this godforsaken place early today and indulge in some retail therapy.

Need New Handbag. Shoes. Pants. Nail buffer. Books. Diamond Ring. Haircut. House. -----> Wonder if RM23.80 would cover it.
     4 Sexy Little Thugs - Come gimme a Hug!
Almost famous...   
05:39pm 20/04/2004
mood: chipper
By a strange twist of fate, a certain celebrity/R&B crooner (who shall remain nameless) and for whom I once had a mighty huge crush on (enough to day-dream of being married to him) has messaged me via the-latest-internet-craze Friendster.

NOW he thinks I'm "interesting" and "wants to be my friend". The funny thing is, he has no recollection of me ever being a groupie fan of his. Following him and his buddies around and sneakily snapping pictures. Not that I admitted any of this to him. (Hmmm...when I think back on all the things I've done, I scare myself sometimes - we are allowed to make mistakes whilst still young and foolish, right? Right?)

I WASN'T interesting then, was I? Not interesting enough that you had to go off and marry that cow? And now what? Now that you're shacked up with a wife and kids and you're no longer as "hot" as you used to be, now I'm ALL INTERESTING? (*Grin* I can hear Comot going, " Oi, bitter-nyeeee!")
     1 Sexy Little Thug - Come gimme a Hug!
Me, myself and I   
11:50am 20/04/2004
mood: bored
music: Me, myself and I - Beyonce Knowles
Traumatic sight experienced last night : Dwarf Hamster eating the guts of another dead Dwarf Hamster @ Pets Wonderland.

Moving along....

1. death of a loved one
2. things that go bump in the night
3. permanent disability

1. Mr La Rue
2. Hafiz WTF?!
3. Sakinah Ayra Shahrin

THREE PEOPLE I LOVE : This is a trick Question so I'm gonna skip it

1. The rain
2. The smell of cinnamon, boiling milk and vanilla
3. Long distance drives

1. waiting
2. being lied to
3. my boss's bossiness

1. Redza Abdullah Sanusi's sick demented mind (then again, who does?)
2. talking animals
3. my father

1. cellphone
2. organizer
3. HRPC packages

1. this questionnaire
2. trying to look busy
3. checking my email

1. travel the world
2. prepare for afterlife
3. feel like I have lived life

1. blue
2. purple
3. black

1. dance
2. write
3. type very fast

1. bubbly
2. sensitive
3. sarcastic

1. roll my tongue into a U shape
2. squat with both feet flat on the floor
3. cartwheels

1. your heart
2. your head
3. michael buble

1. John Mayer's "Your body is wonderland"
2. My screaming cousin
3. My boss's constant diarrhea of the mouth

1. Bloody Hell
2. S@#t
3. Hurry up

1. Tom Yam
2. Butter prawns
3. Salmon

1. how to speak French
2. how to fly a plane
3. how to set people on fire with my mind

1. Iced Milo
2. Milo kotak
3. Water

1. Playhouse
2. The smurfs
3. Top of the Pops
     Come gimme a Hug!
Ode to my girls...   
03:52pm 19/04/2004
mood: melancholy
music: Thats what friends are for - Dionne Warwick and gang.
Friendships are supposed to last a lifetime. Really? Or are we supposed to have different friends throughout the different phases of our lives?

6 years old. First day of school. She was my very first "best friend". Mum passed all my lunch $ to her as I hadn't yet learnt how to buy&sell. We drifted apart sometime around 5th Grade when she started kissing and making out with boys and I couldn't understand what that was about. (Amazing how things change...)

12 years old. First week of school in a foreign land. She wasn't one of the "popular" kids and she wasn't a "nerd". She was just right. I remember walks home from school and making quesadillas to gobble down while watching after school cartoons. She was the sole reason why I adjusted so quickly in the land of the stars and stripes. And then I left. And I didn't keep up with the correspondence. Last I heard -> she is now married and has moved to another state.

16 years old. Highschool. Back at home. She was fun. Mischevious. And since all my life I had been the proverbial "good little girl", she added little thrills and excitement to life. From two separate worlds, but the best of buddies. She even socked a guy who was trying to steal a kiss from me in the face. We grew up then. Little by little I shed the innocence and naivete. We snuck out of school, went to tea dances, pranks in class, boys. But it was a boy who finally came in between us. We tried to make up, but it was never the same again. We went our separate ways.

18 years old. College. She wasn't local. She was smart, beautiful and full of herself. I loved her. We were roomates. But by then, we were both busy with boys and school. Then, there was a freak accident and she died. I never got to tell her how much she meant to me. I never told her she was my best friend.

22 years old. Still in Uni. Our mutual friend had died. We helped each other deal with her death. And then we helped each other through our first heartbreaks. We made our way through school. We learnt about rent and bills, clubs and parties, boys and friendship. We're still good friends but things have changed slightly. Our ideals are different now. We are different now.

25 years old. Hellhole Office. We were like Snow White and Rose Red. On opposite ends of the spectrum and yet so freakingly alike. Different but similar backgrounds. We shared giggles, food, clothes. Had sleepovers, cried together, laughed together. Holidays, getaways, birthdays, dinners. Boyfriends, fiancees (or "nearly fiancee", in my case), relationships, breakups, and now she's a Missus. We've drifted apart somewhat, although I'm guessing both of us are avoiding the issue. Elle, I know you may be reading this... you're still as dear to me as ever.

27 years old. This is what she said..."I believe one can have many soulmates in life and you're definitely one of mine." Finishing off each others' sentences. Pulling each other through yet another shitty breakup. She accepts me for who I am. No judgement calls. And although we bitch all the time, she will be the first to stick up for me anytime. And I for her. aaaaAAAnd...because of her I may have met Mr-Right-for-Me *wink*
     Come gimme a Hug!
I'm not deaf, sweetheart. I'm just ignoring you.   
02:00pm 19/04/2004
mood: blah
music: Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
Behind the scenes...

"Why must she keep screaming like that? Doesn't she know how to talk properly? This is her first time performing with us on stage, and she thinks she can order us around like we're amateurs? She has absolutely no class."

"Eeeee...tak tahan la dengar Si Mulut Murai tu. Terpekik-pekik macam hantu!"

"Ohmigod! Here she goes again. I can't stand the yelling."

When somebody starts screaming and yelling in your face, the automatic response will be to shut off. And so, nothing that person says is ever registered in your mind.

For that person, he/she loses all poise, dignity and grace. And if you think that you can earn respect by screaming and yelling like a crazy monkey whose banana gets taken away, well all you'll probably get is an amused look from the visitors to the zoo, darling.

A lesson I learnt at 10-years old. Class teacher was called away for an emergency meeting. I, being head of the class was left in charge. Boys being boys, started running around the classroom. Girls being girls, started yap-yap-yapping. After a while, the noise was beginning to sound like the World Cup Finals. And so, I stood up and started yelling like a madwoman for the class to be quiet. As I was screaming my head off, Class Teacher walked in. He made me see that nobody was actually listening to me. The class was still as noisy as ever and all I managed to do was to get a really bad sorethroat and look like a monkey. Ouch!
     Come gimme a Hug!
Maybe there IS still hope...   
10:14am 13/04/2004
mood: melancholy
music: My Immortal - Evanescence
Here is a letter from Ronald Reagan to his son, Michael, who was 26 years old when he married his first wife, Julie, who was 18 in 1971.

Dear Mike:
You've heard all the jokes that have been rousted around by all the 'unhappy marrieds' and cynics. Now, in case no one has suggested it, there is another viewpoint. You have entered into the most meaningful relationship there is in all human life. It can be whatever you decide to make it.

Some men feel their masculinity can only be proven if they play out in their own life all the locker-room stories, smugly confident that what a wife doesn't know won't hurt her. The truth is, somehow, way down inside, without her ever finding lipstick on the collar or catching a man in the flimsy excuse of where he was till 3 a.m, a wife does know, and with that knowing, some of the magic of this relationship disappears.

There are more men griping about marriage who kicked the whole thing away themselves than there can ever be wives deserving the blame. There is an old law of physics that you can only get out of a thing as much as you put in it. The man who puts into the marriage only half of what he owns will get that out. Sure, there will be moments when you will see someone or think back on an earlier time and you will be challenged to see if you can still make the grade, but let me tell you how really great is the challenge of proving your masculinity and charm with one woman for the rest of your life. Any man can find a twerp here and there who will go along with cheating, and it doesn't take all that much manhood.

It does take quite a man to remain attractive and to be loved by a woman who has heard him snore, seen him unshaven, tended him while he was sick and washed his dirty underwear. Do that and keep her still feeling a warm glow and you will know some very beautiful music. If you truly love a girl, you shouldn't ever want her to feel, when she sees you greet a secretary or a girl you both know, that humiliation of wondering if she was someone who caused you to be late coming home, nor should you want any other woman to be able to meet your wife and know she was smiling behind her eyes as she looked at her, the woman you love, remembering this was the woman you rejected even momentarily for her favours.

Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should. There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting to the sound of his footsteps.


p.s. You'll never get in trouble if you say "I love you" at least once a day
     4 Sexy Little Thugs - Come gimme a Hug!
Publicity shot   
05:20pm 08/04/2004
mood: accomplished
music: All that Jazz - Chicago OST
Dance Hysteria II - Check it out!
     Come gimme a Hug!
Oh! So that's what it is...   
04:58pm 08/04/2004
mood: bored
Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Cause:lack of sleep
Symptoms:beeping, mild facial paralysis, feather growth
Cure:cryogenic freezing until science catches up
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:
     Come gimme a Hug!
What goes around, comes around...   
09:10am 08/04/2004
mood: disappointed
music: Would I lie to you - Charles & Eddy
I found out something new on something old today. I hate it when my instincts are right.

Although this is irrelevant now (let bygones be bygones, dah tutup buku, it's all in the past, etc...), finding out that an ex-bf lied and possibly cheated on you is the shaits. And what's worse is that, men being men, or should I say BOYS, will always put forward to you the impression that it was the other party "yang terhegeh-hegeh" and he being 'oh-so-true' loyally turned her down.

It all just falls into place and makes perfect sense now.

We got together in 2001. After a couple of months, I started discovering little white lies. But seeing as how they were of no big significance, I naively pushed them aside. Then the lies got bigger little by little. Then those things that I pushed aside previously became even more significant. Then one night---> huge screaming fight. A fishy phone call. He refused to be straight about it. My instincts were telling me something was not right. I couldn't prove it. But that was it. I can pinpoint that night as the start of everything being sucked down the drain. From that night on, nothing was ever exactly right between us.

And now, 6 months after the end of it all, I find out that my instincts were true. Out of the blue a name came up and completely fell into place. Explaining the phone call and the all the little white lies.

What is there left to say? Bummer!? *gag* Too bad, so sad. I guess if the foundation is shaky, the building will collapse.
     Come gimme a Hug!
The Case of the Ex   
03:53pm 06/04/2004
mood: predatory
music: M'ya - The case of the Ex

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm perfectly secure and mature and totally comfortable in my own skin. *smug*

But when he mentions anything even remotely associated with her (or if in some psychotic screwed up way, I CAN associate it with her) I transform into a screaming Banshee.

Dammit! This is sooooo uncool!

Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! *Growl*
     Come gimme a Hug!
Feminism at its best   
09:44am 06/04/2004
mood: content
music: Slave - Britney Spears
This is a little overdue...

The girls and I took a roadtrip this past weekend. The objective was to attend darling Eleanor's wedding. I managed to prove to the girls that it is the journey that counts and the destination is merely but a bonus.

It was a good break. We took a steady leisurely drive. The weather was excellent - *my standards differ from that of the norm (it was raining heavily all weekend), and the company was fabulous. Junk food was available in abundance and we had no boys to dictate what music we were to listen to. Plus we could stop to Pee (or whatever) sans 15 minute lecture (from the boys if they had come along) whenever we felt like it.

Comot/Nan : oooh, I need to do a #1
Driver aka Me : ok, lets stop.

Seeing as how we weren't familiar with the place, we relied on female instinct and intelligently deciphered signs to find our way. Brilliantly, we found our hotel while singing along to Britney Spears.

The next morning (7am), I awoke to the sounds of Gossip! and chatter. (Am amazed but not really surprised).

Eleanor's wedding was simply sweet. She was radiant and excited and the perfect picture of a bride.

We left soon after for the journey home. Yacking and munching all the way. The company was brilliant and we put boys' locker room talk to shame. The boys met up with us for a late dinner and teh tarik to recap on the trip.

All in all, an excellent weekend.

*Comot claims that my penchant for gloom and despair as well as my utter BITCHINESS morbidity stems from the fact that my very first reading materials were stories of Meg and Mog (Meg is a witch and Mog, her cat). She is adamant not to let her children read these brilliant pieces of work for fear of them turning out like me. I guess that explains why she spends most of her free time with me : p
     Come gimme a Hug!
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done!   
11:22am 01/04/2004
mood: giggly
Enneagram Test Results
Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||| 42%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||| 45%
Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 61%
Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||| 43%
Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||| 45%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||||| 57%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||| 66%
Your Conscious-Surface type is 6w7
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 5w6
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Conscious self
Overall self
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Verdict : Accuracy - High!

--Courtesy of HoneyR *wink*--

This morning was chaotic to say the least. The girls and I decided to crash at Mr La Rue's last night as his house is 5 minutes away from our office. We had a mission. It was Nan's last day of work and we were gonna dye her hair Red in celebration of her resignation.

Let's back up to some background info, shall we? : Comot, my homegirl, and Nan have been best friends since high school. Nan's boyfriend, Shirazo and Mr La Rue (hunnybunny) have been bestfriends since forever. And that is how Mr La Rue and I came to meet. They (Shirazo and Mr La Rue) are now housemates at Mr La Rue's house where he stays with his mother a.k.a Dragon Lady who happens to be Nan's boss (well, not anymore, as of today!) Got it? Okay, let's move on.

I have not met Dragon Lady (and don't intend to anytime soon) And so, having a sleepover/slumber party at Mr La Rue's means sneaking in at night and out in the mornings. The plan was to leave early in the morning before Dragon Lady awakes and starts hunting for victims making breakfast. Nan is adamant on me meeting Dragon Lady as she says that Dragon Lady actually does not mind having Mr La Rue's girl in the house. But I have a condition, Soceraphobia (look it up).

As luck would have it, the girls and I woke up late and Dragon Lady got hungry early. Not a good combo. Hence we had to tiptoe out at the exact precise moment that Dragon Lady popped into the kitchen or her lair bedroom. Originally, the plan was for Mr La Rue to shuttle us to the office. Last minute adjustments/Plan B, Shirazo piled us all into his car, leaving Mr La Rue to fend for himself.

I am posting this entry so you know I made it and am still alive and kicking. Amen!

P/S : Mr La Rue's text message as I reached my cubicle.... Another successful exit. Congrats 2 M.I Team. Have a nice day sayang. Mmmuah!
     Come gimme a Hug!
Kids! SAY the darndest things!   
01:51pm 31/03/2004
  A&W, Sunday night

Shirazo : You don't like kids much, do you?
Me :...mmm, unless they're blood related, then I have no choice...

Shirazo proceeds to burst into gales of laughter while Mr La Rue looks on, ...amused (or maybe slightly worried?!)

It wasn't a joke.

Home, Last night, phone conversation

Mr La Rue : Do you think you'll ever have kids?
Me : ...mmm, IF I can get over the initial 'grossness' of getting pregnant and giving birth...
Mr La Rue : *chuckles* Baby... you're funny.

That wasn't a joke either.

On another note... I completed 2 'personality' tests today.

Results of Test # 1 : I am 48% Bitch. (Mr La Rue thinks there's something obviously wrong with the test. He says I can't be ONLY 48% Bitch --> Don't you just love a man who is secure enough to date a strong opinionated woman!)

Results of Test # 2 : I am a MENTOR which means I'm Submissive, an Extrovert, Abstract and a Thinker. It also means Some would call me the most powerful and influential of all people. Those people are wrong. The reality is that I DON'T really WANT to impose personal views or beliefs on others. Yet I am extroverted and intelligent, and I like to get involved. So I help others with the pursuit of knowledge. I'm the reason that people say teachers are also students. I am as much a learner as a master, and this satisfies me. I won't die a lonely death, but towards the end I'll grow introspective, wondering if my life meant anything. This will last for decades, and I'll die after my spouse. (What a comfort to know...Not!)
     Come gimme a Hug!
It is my heart that makes my songs, not I   
08:34am 31/03/2004
mood: sad
music: Heart-Britney Spears
The weather this morning is a perfect reflection of how I feel.

We talked last night, Mr La Rue and I. Things 'unexpected' came to light and this phrase kept constantly running through my head ---> "Don't ask the question if you don't want the fucking truth!". However, Curiosity Kills the Cat and I had to know, so I risked it. Serves me right. But at least I know now where I stand and I can base my next decisions on this.

Surprisingly, my mind is clear. This time it is entirely emotional. I feel extremely sad and my heart is heavy. But I've been here before and this will be just one more thing that I'll eventually push aside and forget in due time.

I know I've been hard on you
I'm sorry for the things I put you through
Before you start to break on me
Or ask for sympathy
I need to make you see

Oh heart
I'm not sure it's been long enough
To say that what I feel is really love
There is just one way to learn
Sometimes we'll get hurt
And right now it's our turn

Give it time
Help me through
Heart we can do this together

You're my strength
You're my soul
I need you now more than ever

All the hurt will soon be gone
If you, if you'll just keep on being strong
You will always be my friend
So keep on hanging in
And we'll find love again
     Come gimme a Hug!
Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after...   
08:38am 30/03/2004
mood: cheerful
*Big Smile*

Yesterday's "drama" was due to the changing of the moontides. After lunch, things cooled down and the rest of the day turned out pretty ok.

My Mentor called to propose an offer that I couldn't refuse. I hope that pulls through.

Doughnuts and fabulous company for tea infused with brilliant conversation stretched til 9pm and that was followed by another round of insightful chats. By the time I got to the car, ready for the long journey home, I was exhausted. Was glad to have Comot's company all the way home.

The day (night?!) ended with updates to Mr La Rue. *dreamy sigh!*
     Come gimme a Hug!