OKay okay, as tempted as i am to put this in my brand new journal, i am going to refrain because i want that one for everyone to see. I am so freaking obsessed with tony. i just can't understand where i went wrong, because everything was going so well for so long and suddenly it was all gone. he has a girlfriend and i am miserable because i lost not only a potential but also one of my best friends. i never see him anymore and when i do he is so fried beyond belief because of his friends. he used to hang out with jeremy and i and he was fine, he stayed away from that crap, he didn't want to be a part of that crap, and now it is reversed. it is driving me crazy that there isn't really anything i can do now except let him know how i feel and hope he recipricates.
Oh me oh my. Again, last night... crazy stuff. Me and Pam hung out until like 10:30 and then at 11 I went and picked up Tony. We couldn't get ahold of Jeremy like we had planned to, so I started driving, and then Donna called, so we decided to meet up with her, Molly, and Jill at Kelly Club. It was pretty fun, Jordan and Kyle were there again along with Mike Gwidt. It was karaoke night and everyone was crazy. Since I had had 3 margaritas at El Tap earlier, and then at the bar I had about 3 or 4 drinks, Donna said that we could crash at her house since she would be out at Ted's. At around 12:30-1:00 me and Tony went back to her house and we played cards and Tony ate Donna's cereal. Tony took off his belt (this will come into play later) and I guess around 2 or so then we decided to go to sleep and we took some blankets and slept in Donna's room since her bed is much more comfortable than couches. We were asleep for maybe 45 minutes when Molly and Jill came back, all wasted. Jill and Donna were arguing at the bar and I had no clue what was going on, so Jill was using my phone for all this stuff, and then when Tony got up to go to the bathroom, Molly took his place in the bed. Tony went to sleep on the floor and eventually Molly felt bad or something so she kept trying to drag Tony into the bedroom again, and I guess she pulled so hard his pants fell off or something. She was yelling stuff like "Tony, get in bed with your bitch!!" and all this other crazy stuff. lol. Anyway's, eventually he came to bed again with me and we slept, I didn't necessarily sleep well, since for some reason I was super nervous.... probably because there is sexual tension or something, since it is so obvious we have something for each other. We just kinda leaned on each other all night again while we slept, not on purpose or anything, it was just whenever I woke up we were touching some how. Maybe it was on purpose, who knows. Instead of waking up at 6 like Tony had wanted to since he was going to go fishing, we ended up sleeping until noon, and then we woke up, woke Molly up so she could move her car. So then Molly of course was asking what we were doing all night (sleeping, nothing more or else you'd know because I would be gushing about it hardcore). Tony and I ended up going to McDonalds and then ate at my house and then we went back to his house and I went in for a little bit and then I went home and went to bed. Donna freaked out because she found his belt at her house and she was asking if we had sex in her bed and was wondering why he had taken his belt off. It was all kinds of crazy. But it was fun. It was very very fun. I like him so much. It is so not crazy. We are such good friends and I have this feeling that if anything ends up happening, it is going to be so good. All night, I think the reason that I did not sleep was because all I could think about was holding his hand. It was so weird, because I would wake up and our hands would be touching, and all I could think of was holding his hand. I never did, because I was too afraid, but the thing was, I was laying in bed with a guy I like and I did not even once think of sex. I didn't even think of kissing him or anything, although that would be immensely pleasurable. All I can think of is the first step. I don't want to move fast in this, which is different from when I was with Jeremiah. This makes me realize that what I had with Jeremiah might never have even been a crush, just somehow sexual. With Tony I really truly do like him, and I have this awesome pure relationship with him, and I don't want to mess that up. I think that is what is going to make everything end up so good. I have very high hopes, and I don't know if that is good, but I have a good feeling that everything is going to turn out really good.
1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: " Now I saw this was not just a bottle, it was a door. You climbed through the round neck to the bottle and came out somewhere else entirely."
2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? Candle
3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?: Gilmore Girls
4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 5:30
5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 5:42 PM
6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? The TV
7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?: I was burning stuff
8: Before you came to this web site, what did you look at? nothing
9: What are you wearing? jeans and a sweatshirt
10: Did you dream last night? I have no idea.
11: When did you last laugh? at work
12: What is on the walls of the room you are in? my snowboard, Dawson and Pacey, Orlando Bloom Calendar and a mirror
13: Seen anything weird lately? not particularly
14: What do you think of this quiz? its a quiz
15: What is the last film you saw? The Boogeyman
16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? nothing I would pay off all my bills and go to Hawaii
17: Tell me something about you that I don't know.: ????
18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? Make everyone a little bit nicer
19: Do you like to dance? sometimes.
20: George Bush: is he a nutcase or some one who is doing something that has needed to be done for years? it really depends
21: Imagine your first/second child is a girl, what do you call her? Harley
21: Imagine your first/second child is a boy, what do you call him? Adrian
22: Would you ever consider living abroad? yes
23: Will you pass on this survey? Wait..... this was a test? No, it can't be! I didn't study!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! *goes crazy and runs around in circles till she hits a wall and knocks herself out*
Valentines day sucked. And then, miraculously it became wonderful. I started to get down in the dumps and started crying, so I took Jeremy up on his offer to go to the bar. We went out...blah blah blah, and then we went back to Jeremy's house and talked for awhile. And surprise surprise, he told me that Tony told him that he likes me!!!! I was so unbelievably excited, you have absolutely no idea! So now that I know that, I don't feel weird around him, I feel a lot more comfortable around him. And I think he notices that and feels a lot more comfortable around me too. So lets go through the week. What did I all do? On Tuesday night I picked Tony up and we watched Joe Dirt... I think. Yeah, and we played rummy and I won. At one point, Tony was laying on the mattress on the floor in the basement and I was sitting on the floor. He asked me if I was comfortable and I said no and then he said that there was plenty of room in the bed and I could join him.... I didn't. I don't know if that was a huge mistake or not. I hope not.....Then on Wednesday night Tony called me and I picked him up and we just talked and went to Subway, before I dropped him off at home. (After I dropped him off at home, Pam and I went to Ethan and Jeremiah's and we just basically did nothing. I read magazines and Pam and Ethan made googly eyes at each other, and Pam and I both noticed that JEremiah kept looking at me.) Anyway's, then on Thursday night, last night, Tony called me around 4 and I went and picked him up. We went to the mall, shopko, IGA twice, Lisa's, and then he actually came over and watched The O. C. with me and Pam. Can you believe that? A guy who didn't mind watching The O. C. with two girls?!?!?!? Shocking! It was actually really great. I am so happy and nothing has really happened yet. I mean, I think eventually something will, but it is best to let nature take its course and see what happens. Jeremy is really pressuring me to tell him that I like him, but that will make for a very awkward moment for me, and I'd rather just let things happen on their own, which I'm sure that they will.
It is the day before Valentines Day and I do not have a valentine. Atleast I don't think I do. Me and Tony are going to a movie tonight. Boogeyman. A nice scary movie. It should be fun. Last night me and Tony hung out in my basement and watched Mr. Deeds and played rummy. It was a good night. I really like Tony and everyone at work thinks that he likes me too. I just don't understand why nothing is happening. I mean, I am shy, so he is probably shy too? I don't know if that is the truth or not. Who knows? Maybe I'll find something out tonight or tomorrow night. That would be so awesome. Donna also thinks that Steve has a crush on me. That is so cute. :) hehe. But he is my brothers age. So absolutley nothing ever will happen there. Haha. I was so popular the other night. Pam and Ethan were in the midst of breaking up, and so I dragged Jeremiah to the bar so they could have some privacy breaking up. First Travis called and he wanted to hang out and we decided sometime we will hang out. Then Leo texted me and asked me to go to a "move or to the beers" with him. (Translation: movie or bars) It was very interesting. Then Jeremiah was saying I was so popular. Then when we went back to his place so I could pick up Pam, they were still talking so me and Jeremiah hung out in the living room, and he was trying to get me to stay the night. And he wasn't even drunk. It was so funny. I obviously said no, and it was just so funny because he never shows any interest unless he is drunk and he wasn't drunk this time. Oh well. It was kinda cool. As mean as it sounds I felt really good turning him down. Off to the movie soon!!!!!!
Last weekend was pretty damn awesome. I went to Milwaukee with Jeremy and Tony for the Bucks game. It was awesome. I drove and I didn't do such a bad job at that. When we got there we just hung out like usual. The only difference this time was that at night I ended up sharing a bed with Tony. EEEEE!!!! Screaming inside like a little girl. Nothing happened obviously, otherwise I would have been alot more excited. We just slept, and it was awesome. He is a complete bed hog and I barely slept, so that was not so awesome, but it was still awesome.
I don't know what is going on with me. I don't know if I am feeling all crappy because I started taking those birth control pills again, and the hormones are messing with me or what. I just feel so freaking depressed lately. I feel like there isn't anything out there for me. I have like two friends. Pam and... Donna? Jeremy? Tony? I don't know who is my friend anymore except for Pam. I hardly ever talk to Jeremy any more, and I don't really hang out with TOny lately, and Donna... I just don't know if I can trust her. Everything just seems so messed up. I haven't felt this lonely or depressed since I was dating Mike and everything was going wrong. That is really scary. Lately when I am driving home at night I just feel like crying, just like I used to when I drove home from work when I was with Mike. I just started feeling lost again. I shouldn't be lost. This should be the time of my life where I can figure things out and have fun, and be glad that I can finally straighten out my life. But I just don't feel like it. I just feel lost and lonely and depressed and sad. I shouldn't be any of those things. I just feel so crappy when I go and hang out with Pam and Ethan and JEremiah at the "batcave". Maybe I am jealous that Pam has someone. But that is screwed up, because I shouldn't be jealous because of obvious reasons that have recently come to light. BUt I am. I feel like a third wheel even though Jeremiah is there. That is another thing. I just feel plain weird around him. Nothing seems right any more. Everything seems messed up. I have just only recently been feeling this way though. It's funny because if I was feeling this longer than that, I didn't realize it. I have been hanging out with Pam a lot more and less with Tony. When I am high I Just don't feel all these sad things. Maybe it is because I am with TOny and I like him, but it could be because of the drugs. WHO THE HECK KNOWS? Maybe in the morning when I wake up I will take one of my zoloft pills and see if it helps me to feel normal again. Its time for bed, I have to get up in the morning for work.
I wonder whether I have totally screwed up my life. I mean, I know I have done some things that totally screwed it up, (dating Mike, skipping out on Concordia etc.) but I wonder if there are things that I have done that I don' t even know about that messed it up completely. That is a little scary. I sometimes say things that I don't mean, do things that I don't mean to do, hang out with people I maybe shouldn't, not hang out with people that I should, trust the wrong people, put too much trust in people. I think I am just screwed up. I have this huge hole in my life that was made when Mike dumped me, and it is not Mike I miss AT ALL. He is out of my mind, I don't care about that, I don't miss him. It's just that that hole that he filled for so long is empty now, and I keep trying to find something to fill it in. There are tons of great ways that I could fill it in, but I keep trying to fill it in with another guy. Is it so wrong that I want a guy in my life to like me and want to take care of me, and want to be with me, and all that other mushy gushy love stuff? I know that my family loves me, and I know that my friends care, but I just can't get rid of that feeling that I am missing something. I just want to have someone there for me, someone who loves my smile, someone to cuddle with.
I wish that I could take back the last 4 years. If I could do that everything would probably be so much better. I wouldn't even go as far as to wish that I had never met Mike, because he helped shape me into the person that I am today, but I wish that I would have gone off to school instead of staying here. I don't think that I would be as miserable now if I had gotten out when I had the chance. I would be a different person. I would have been going to school in a place where I was surrounded by Christians, and surrounded by people who want to learn more scholastically, and in their faith.
I have screwed everything up so much. I guess there is nothing that I can do about it, other than pray. Dear Lord, I just ask that you stay with me. I know that I have sinned A LOT in my life, and I just ask that you forgive me and wipe my slate clean. Please be with me. Help me to be a better person. Help me to be the person that I want to be. There are so many things that I wish that I could change about myself, and please Lord, help me to make those changes. Help me to be happy. Help me to be happy with my self, and by myself. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross to save me from my sins. Thank you for all of the blessings that you have given me. Please Lord, give me the strength to change things in my life so that I deserve those blessings. If it is in your will, please help me to meet someone to help me fill the hole in my life. Amen.
In other news, aside from my whining's and negativity, I am starting to feel like Tony doesn't even want to hang out with me. Oops, that is negative, but it is something that I need to talk about and get off my chest. We used to hang out all the time, but lately it doesn't seem like he wants to, or even go on break with me and talk at work. Maybe I am just being paranoid, and I do have a tendency to be paranoid. But I just worry too much, and I worry that I am not good enough, or not pretty enough. Maybe I am just not his type. Who knows. All I know is that I do like him. And we do get along. The other night, it must have been Monday, he called me and we hung out for awhile before I went to school. Then afterwards we went over to his friend Eric's apartment. Eric and his girlfriend Chelsea live together, and they are both very nice. I don't know if they thought we were going out or what. But I guess that doesn't matter. They are his friends from Marshfield, and they moved here about 4 months ago I guess. They seem like real decent people, not like some of the other people that he hangs out with. Maybe I just need to forget about guys for now. Maybe it is just not in God's plan for me to have a boyfriend right now. I wish that I could see what God's plan was for me. I wish that I could open a book, look at the week and see what I am going to be doing. See exactly when I am going to meet that special someone. I don't need to see God's details, but if I could just get a sense of when all this is going to happen.
I wrote all that a few days ago. Probably on Wednesday so it is a little dated. I don't really have anything to say right now, I have to do some chores and then get ready, because me and Tony are doing something later.
It is Tuesday January 11, 2005, and it is again, my first day of school. My last first day of school, atleast for a few years. I am planning on graduating in May. YAY! A degree to call my very own, even if it is only an associates degree. Eventually I will get my bachelors degree, but that is after I find a better paying job and can support myself and live on my own again. That will be the day. I am very excited, but I had better get started looking for jobs. So I have class in two hours so I need to finish getting ready, which mainly includes fixing my hair and doing my make-up, and then I have to run to IGA to drop of my class schedule for Jason, and give Tony his apron, and then it is off to school to pick up my books and have a 4 hour class. Bet you can tell how excited I am. Not really. After school maybe I will have some fun. Jeremy said something about Buffalo Wild Wings tonight, and we'll see how many people we can get to go. I'm assuming that Tony will probably go, and if Donna doesn't work tonight she might go. Nothing exciting has happened with me and Tony lately. I don't know what is going to happen, and it kind of bugs me. I would really like to know how its going to be. It's like a big cliff hanger in a tv show. Are they going to get together? Are they going to remain friends? Who knows what will happen, and least of all me. All I know is that I like him, and wow, his lips.... I would like to kiss his lips, because they look really nice to kiss. *blush* I just typed that didn't I? That is one of those thoughs that belongs burried deep inside my head, because it is just to silly to broadcast, even to my journal that probably no one reads except the occasional web surfer who has no clue who I am. (Hopefully) Well, I should probably get ready for school.
I am getting really good at only writing in here once or twice a week. I wish that I had the time to keep up more often, but this is as good as it is going to get. Tonight might yet again be a disapointment. Me and Pam were supposed to hang out and she never called me, so when I called her at 5 like we had agreed I would, that was too late, and since Ethan gets done at 6, she has to check with him before any plans are made. I am kinda angry, but oh well. Travis called and invited me to go to the bars with him in Point, but even though I would really like to, I am a little nervous about it, and my parents are not so happy with the idea of me sleeping on some guys couch, especially one that they don't know. So basically I am just waiting for Pam to call me and let me know if I am allowed to hang out wtih her and Ethan.
She called and I guess we are going to Cruise In. I've never been there, but I'll get to drink, so that is a plus! :) I just can't get too wasted since I have to drive home.
So me and Tony have been hanging out alot lately. On Wednesday night we went to the mall and we played around in JC Penny. It was so funny, we were jumping on the beds and then had a pillow fight. On Thursday night I picked him up and we were going to watch Anchorman with Jeremy. We went to Shopko and TJ Maxx and Subway and just hung out for awhile. Then around 8 Jeremy called and we went over there. We ended up playing poker, and then we watched some of the new Blue Collar Comedy Tour. It is so funny. Me and Tony were sitting kinda close together on the love seat. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!!!!!!! I like him so much and I can't tell if he likes me or not. It is driving me nuts. I just want to know whether or not I stand a chance. I wish that I was brave enough to ask him. I don't know whether he thinks we are just friends, or if he is just as shy as I am.
The past weekend has been just insane. In a completely good way. On New Years Eve, I gave Tony a ride to put some money down on some speakers or something like that, and we kinda talked about hanging out that night. I went to work, and things were just not looking good for us hanging out. So I decided to go to Kelly Club with Donna and Jennifer. It wasn't all that fun. I drank about 6 Captain and Coke's and just kinda hung out listening to people sing karaoke. It was kinda sad, there was one decent (not hot) guy there close to my age, and he was a real ass, and Jennifer was ALL over him. I don't know how her and Donna can degrade themselves like that. Oh well. Anywhoo... Tony called me quite a few times, and then finally when I offered to come get him, he agreed. We went over to his house and his parents weren't home. We started watching this really dumb movie called Kids and after I said that it was weird a few times, the room started spinning and I fell asleep. I woke up in the recliner, freezing cold, because all I had was this little blanket, and I was right next to the window. In the morning we watched some sports center and then we went out to breakfast at Perkins. It was just a very nice morning. Then yesterday, I gave him a ride home from work, and then later that night we went to Applebees together. It is sooo weird, because we hang out so much and we get along so great, but I don't know what the hell is going on between us. It is just starting to confuse me so much, because I like him, and I don't want to put myself in the position where there is no hope. Donna knows that I like him, and she was teasing me, so I hope that she doesn't make this worse. I don't know if I want people knowing I like him, if he doesn't like me that way. I'm sure they already do, but I don't want to have to acknowledge it to people. I talked to him for alittle bit at IGA today, and I gave him a little sip of my vicodin. But we seemed to be flirting. Yay. Tonight Tony was supposed to call me, but he hasn't yet. I'm not going to stress. He got off of work at 4, and that was only 3 hours ago, and everyone needs some time to chill after work, right? I'm not going to set myself up for disappointment though. It isn't really worth it at this point when nothing has even happened between us. Even if we don't hang out tonight, I work with him tomorrow all day, and we can talk then and go on break together and stuff. I am still trying to find the best way to ask him what is going on between us. I don't want to be too obvious, but I want him to know what I am asking him. Yuck. I hate being confused.
Last night Pam actually wanted to do something with me, and when I talked to her she had a bad day at work, so I made her a picture of her and Pacey. It was so cute! I was so impressed with myself. I went over to Ethan and JEremiah's and we watched Anchorman. It was such a funny movie. I really liked it. Me and Tony might watch it sometime, well at least I suggested it. I need to stop suggesting and see if he ever wants to do anything. Then maybe I will know what he is thinking and feeling.
Today was f-in FANTASTIC. I woke up at 10 or so and began cleaning my room. I sorted through all of my clothes, showered, went to Nice as New, dropped some things off there, and then I went to work for a little bit. I had to order, and I have never really ordered before so it took me awhile. After that I came home and finished cleaning my room. I went through everything, cleaned up my desk, my dressers, my closet, and organized my shelf. I finished that all up and then Tony called. I went to pick him up and we went shopping. He bought some clothes at TJ Maxx (a white sweater that he will loot HOT in) and then we went off to the mall. We walked around a little bit, went into the ethnic like store. We went into Victoria's Secret and I wanted to buy some of my vanilla perfume, but they were out. I was kinda of sad. Then we went to Wilsons, and Tony tried on this coat, and DAMN, he looked fine in it. It was white unfinished leather, (or whatever it is called) and it just looked really good. He said he would probably buy it tomorrow. Then we left and went back to Old Navy. It was so cool, because Tony bought half of my sweater. He had a pair of pants to return, and he just told me I could pick something out and apply his return to my sweater. That was super nice of him, and its cool because the sweater looks really good on me. I was so excited. Next we went back to his house and I dropped him off. I really like him, and we flirt and get along so well, but I don't know if he likes me or not. I really would like to know. Tomorrow night he invited me to his house for a New Years Party. I would really like to go, but I don't know what is going on with Pam. With all the drama in Pam and my friendship, I really can't do anything to upset her. Things are not going very well with us I don't think. She thinks that I am ... I don't even know. It is like she is jealous if I stay there a little later than she does. Now she isn't calling me, and I don't think that she wants me over at Ethan and Jeremiahs. Blah. I just hope that if I don't hang out with her tomorrow night it doesn't make things worse between us. AURG!!! So except for all that my day was fantastic.
All I really feel like saying right now is that me and Tony are hanging out tomorrow and he is taking me shopping. Yay, I know I said I give up, but I changed my mind, and that is all I have to say for now.
Last night was kinda weird again. Pam is angry at me because I stayed longer at Ethan's than she did, which is totally bunk. So anyways, I met Jeremy at the bar for part of the Monday night football game, and I had a 32 oz. beer and Jeremy bought me two applejack shots. Then I met up wtih Pam at Ethan and Jeremiah's. We just sat around and watched TV and then Amy came over so we all chatted. Pam ended up leaving early and me and Amy basically lied and said we were leaving soon so that Pam didn't get angry. Whatever. I just hope that Amy doesn't stab me in the back and tell Pam. I would be so freaking pissed off. Now that I think about it, I never should have trusted Amy in the first place with that type of info. What am I thinking?
Anyways, today at work I had FUN!! Even though I worked with Donna, I didn't have to work too hard today, and we just goofed off all day long. Tony was super bored, so he was back in bakery for most of the morning with us. We just goofed around, and Tony talked about how he likes sausage, so we gave him some crap for that. It was all in all, pretty damn fun. Tonight Tony is calling me and we are going to hang out. I don't know for sure or not but we might go to Buffalo Wild Wings. I am going to invite Jeremy if he can make it before pool. It will probably be fun anyways. We also have to discuss going to the bucks game on Jan. 14th. It will be fun, It is going to be me, Jeremy, Tony, Donna, and possibly Aaron, and we are going to probably meet up with Tiffany for sure, and Gary might get invited. Fun fun.
Last night was so odd, I need to talk about it in here. I don't even know where to begin.... so lets begin at the beginning. It all started with me meeting Pam over at Jeremiah's and Ethan's. We then proceeded to go to Shopko, Wal-Mart and Kohl's to find Christmas gifts for Amy and Tim, because they had bought stuff for Pam and she hadn't bought anything for them. We then went to Pick N' Save to buy mini 50 cent bottles of booze. There I purchased 4 mini puckers and a mini bacardi. Mmmmm....Anyway's, we returned to Ethan and Jeremiah's and after sitting around for awhile we decided to go to El Tapatio. We ate there ( I had a margarita... yummy!!!!) and then we went back to Ethan and Jeremiah's again. We watched a movie... (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) and I drank 2 of my little bottles of booze. Then Amy, Tim, Cassie, and Pat came over, exchanged gifts with Pam and Ethan and then shortly after left. I then took a shot of Fighting Cock whiskey with Jeremiah. We hung out.... and then I took a shot of applejack, and Pam and Ethan fought like usual. Pam got angry and wanted to go to the gas station for cigs but wanted to go alone, even though I offered to go with her and talk. I instead went to the gas station with Jeremiah where we met up with Pam who then got angry that we left Ethan alone. I bought a sparks, because by that time I had finished all my mini puckers. We returned and everyone was happy again, and we proceeded to play some Street Racing Underground game or something like that. I played DJ and all was well. 12:30 rolled around and Pam left, and even though I didn't feel even the tiniest bit inebriated, I stayed for awhile because I didn't feel like leaving, even though I had work at 7 in the a.m. Then it got odd. Me and Jeremiah started flirting like crazy and wrestling and all that stuff, and then it started again.. I became the meat. SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!!! From both of them again.... I couldn't believe it. Apparently they both think that I have a very nice butt and nice boobs, which is nice, but not coming from my best friends bf. Then Ethan would not leave me alone about showing my boobs and I really didn't want to, but because I was drunk Jeremiah kinda pulled down my shirt, so yep, Ethan saw my boobs. IF HE EVER TELLS PAM I WILL KILL HIM AND THEN MYSELF BECAUSE I WILL NOT HAVE A BEST FRIEND ANYMORE AFTER THAT. What a flippin night!!!! I am so disappointed in myself, but all I can say is at least my night didn't involve a laundry room. Not even any kissing, just hand holding. So that is a plus. I am just really flippin confused about what is going on between me and Jeremiah. We flirt like mad when we are drinking, so that is probably my answer right there, just drunken flirting. I do like him, he is a nice guy, and he is hot as hell, but I'm not going to keep putting myself up there to set my self up for disappointment. It isn't worth it, and he isn't worth the loss of my mental health. I just want to understand. If he could just be the great boyfriend that I know he probably could be, that would be awesome, I mean, he lives here now, he doesn't live far away, and things could work if he made them work. If he wanted them to work. But that is what I don't know, if he would want it to work, of if he just thinks he can get a free piece of ass whenever he feels like from me. And if that is how he feels, then screw that, because I am not going to give anyone a piece of ass. Even though that is enticing sometimes, but I am not going to. I will not. Not again. I don't want to put myself in that scary position like I did before, I want to be risk free. Well, I just got home from work and I need to change and sleep or shower, change and watch a movie, I can't figure out what I want to do. I have to work at 6 in the morning tomorrow, but I can still go out if I take a nap.
It is Christmas, and I must say it has been a pretty good day. I woke up and received some gifts from my parents, including a chair, umbrella, fuzzy socks, popcorn, perfume, pj pants, a shirt and some little stuff. Nothing really exciting. But that doesn't matter. We then got dressed and went to my grandma and grandpa Wildmans house where we ate and then I got a new Badgers sweatshirt, gift cards and some money. After that we went to Grandma and Grandpa Sekorski's where we talked for awhile and then after everyone else left Matt and I opened our gifts (a DVD, money, and more fuzzy socks) and then ate dinner. It was all in all a really nice day. I just feel really bad that I haven't gone to church at all this year. That kind-of makes you forget what Christmas is always about, but I keep reminding myself, so I don't concentrate on the wrong thing. Jesus is the reason of the season, and next year I hope that I can concentrate on that, instead of the gift giving and receiving. Although I didn't do any giving this year. :( That really sucks, because I love shopping for gifts for people and I couldn't afford to at all this year. Maybe when I get some extra cash I will go out and buy belated Christmas presents for my parents.
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