| 01:38pm 27/01/2010 | |||
| I am so out of it, so confused, so beaten down. I should just live my life single forever; i'd be better off anyway. | |||
| 12:00am 03/01/2010 | |||
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In exactly 10 days Jasy and I will have made 6 months together. **sigh** all I can say is: You and I are like oil and water And we've been trying, trying trying Ohhhh, to mix it up. We've been dancing on a volcano And we've been crying, crying, crying Over blackened souls. Babe, this wouldn't be the first time, it will not be the last time. There is no parasol that would shelter this weather. I been smiling with anchors on my shoulders But I've been dying, dying, dying Ohh, Ohh, Oh to let them go. Babe, this wouldn't be the first time, it will not be the last time. There is no parasol that would shelter this weather. Babe, this wouldn't be the first time, it will not be the last time. We were trying to believe that everything would get better. We've been lying to each other Hey! Babe! Let's just call it what it is! Oil and Water! Oil and Water! Oil and Water! |
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| 03:20am 10/11/2009 | |||
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i love off of sorrow and pain it feeds me and entitles me to titles that don't belong to me. It's been some time since the last and all I can say is I want more. I feel engorged by your suffering and the feeling is so wrong and yet I need it. Please don't think of this as wrong I put my words on a platter let them float without a cause No way I can keep everything inside sadly i'm not perfect yet. Pray that I'll finish soon dear my wrecks are much more memorable than my starts. You'll pray to never meet another and yet another I haven't found. I put this story down incinerate it after drowning it in my inflammable liquids. Just the touch of the lighter against my hands makes me feel untouchable |
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| Poof | |||
| 11:11pm 04/08/2008 | |||
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I hate falling in love for the wrong people. It sucks. And I feel like I gave her away... even though I never had her. I feel like shit. I wish I could come up with some scheme to make her fall in love with me without her knowing its me. Maybe she could take me as I am and not as who she sees me. I've been talking to her less as the days go by. I'll see her on Sat for her birthday party. I'll say hi and leave quickly. I wanted to give her an orchid but i'm broke. I love her so much. I really do mean it too. I miss her texting me at 3 in the morning. It made me feel wanted and needed. Now I'm just the friend. I hate where I stand. This has been going on for way too long. i need to let her go already. |
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| Let the games begin | |||
| 09:59am 25/03/2008 | |||
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So I'm not crazy but I still have to take meds evry once in a while to melow down my rages and compulsions. My parents found out what was going on only yesterday after 2months of fighting against tiredlessness and constant rages in my head. I had to tell them everything, from the voices to the new shrink. My dad thought I had some terminal disease or somehting. He only found the medicine referal and freaked out. He thought I was seeing a weird doctor behind his back. I was like, I am seing a doctor but its not what you think. So it was a family conference, one of those good ones where I get so nervous I start crying hoping they wont beat me to death. Yup, I'm still scared of my parents. I really didnt want toworry them. My moms reaction was a little more of no concern whatsoever. She pretty much said: you cant scare me anymore. Actually she did say it. The only kind of conforting thing she said was, damn, stress hits you pretty bad. I mean as an understatement i guess she kind of realizes that I am under stress. Yet, she doesnt mind putting me under even more stress. Its like shes the queen of making mallory feel like shit. Hi mallory, let me vent with you and tell you that I'm about to quit just about the only job I could ever get. I hope you are ready to handle it. And why dont you help your dad pay the bills? (that is the new one. I'm short as hell on money and my mom tells me to help my dad pay the fucking bills...) so i told my mom i need to get a job if i should help my dad. I mean, I want to help out at home, its just a little hard to help out and carry on with these huge courses that are crashing down on my head. But if its necesary, I'll just keep hearing stuff in my head, blow my blood pressure away and get diabetes for my family. And this shouldnt sound too bad. I mean every day there are kids in Iraq getting their arms blown off, legs otrn apart for their country/family. Isn't it the same thing if I get sick because of doing what I want to do and helping my family survive out of this? And then my new shrink pops in with "the plan." What makes this story really funny is that if I follow this "plan" all of my problems will be solved. Bt I dont want to do it. I dont want to move away from home no matter what the cost is. I know that if I become financially independent I will save more than if I stay at home; I will also be more sane and I will do better in school. What I know is that at the same time abandoning them will kill them. they care for me in their little world where they take me for granted. They need me in a way. And i need them. I need the bullshit every day. I need to feed on their sarcasm adn their making fun of me and their constant disruption to be myself. I have discovered that my identity is already made and that it is what it is now. And even though it may be hard to explain, I am as scared of moving out as of thinking of wehre I am going to be 10 years from now. I really dont see myself doing anything productive 10 years from now. Plus the fact that florida will be covered in water and humanity will be screwed unless god intervenes. I really do hope god intervenes soon. So good to you my journal. Let the games begin even if the games are only brain teasers. and let god help me. i hope he does. |
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| last entry | |||
| 11:28pm 17/11/2007 | |||
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wow, I was hoping htis journal would have been erased from me not using it. So much is writen in here; things that I was hoping no one else would remember bu tme. I now that isn't true and that everyone who knew me then will remember me as a dyke, as an ok person --well, atleast to whoever didn't date me-- and as just another wallflower I guess. I'm in college now. And I'm trying to go straight. I really am trying. I mean REALLY HARD. No one will ever know how hard it is. I love women as much as the guy next door. I mean jsut today I almost tried to get in touch with Jen for sex. Sometimes I feel like I'm going nuts and that all this hard work is for no reason. I try then to remember why I am doing it and that consoles me, atleast during the time when it isn't my clit thinking. Yup, still crude. I've never been to good with thte whole hidding what I mean in nicer words. I tend to say things straight forward; maybe lack of good vocabulary. I read tons though. I live to read and to learn. I ditched al of my gay friends. Pretty much dumped them in a canal and ran away. And at times I feel like calling just because and listening to their complaining of girls, guys, sex, love, betrayal, greed. That used to make me feel more human before. I used to not allow myself to feel anything with anyone. Everything just for pleasure, a mind game to control the situation. I was raped. Maybe its because of that, I'm not too completely sure. I played that control game everywhere, but whenever I realized I wasn't in control my whole world died away and my mind just felt crushed. I would go blind and enraged and I swear, I would have killed if I had the chance. I felt annoyed at myself and I humiliated myself by making sure that the people that least needed to know how stupid I was, they were the fisrt ones to know. I have realized how much more complete life is with God. And no, I'm not going through a God phase. I know that most people do go through this and they deidcate a few months of their entire lives to find their spirituality and become more spiritual people. Not me. I am not going to get there for just a few months. I am finally willing to be a new person for all eternity. And when I say that I don't feel my chest compress with fear, but I feel free. Like I finally found exactly the perfect and ultimate meaning to life. For those that I hurt along the way, most of you I hurt on purpose to prove points. Diana, if you ever reach this, which I truly doubt it, it was planned. From the very moment I started it. I was in love and you were in the way. I realized that you were one really big flirt and that cold potentially get you in trouble. I had the control for a long time, and you know it. We fought for it for a long time, but then I started missing you being there, online, to write to you and put in the place I wanted you to be. I realized I had lost the control completely and I was suceptible to you and to your being. I hated it. I took as an excuse the last time you tried to have online sex with me because it was as far as I would be able to hold the control. Also, the fact that I was leaving to another country for the summer helped. I was a coward, and believe me I was proud of myself until shorty started talking to me telling me she had confirmed everything and ithat it was ok. But you know something that made me furious. I didn't want things to be ok. I wanted your world to explode. I wanted things to work out as planned. I mean, it was simple. You were stupid enough to find a minor who was your girlfriends friend and mess around with her online. Come on. It was fool-proof. That was when I realized that there was nothing in this world that I could do to take shorty away from you. No. there was absolutely nothing there. And I hated it. When I came back you texted me and asked me where I had been, how I was. I answered. Reluctantly, but I did. I told you enough to get you off my back. I got a message from danay later on telling me that shorty had been looking for me and I know that I still have feelings for her and I know that it was the stupidest thing I could have ever done, but I did it. I sent her a message asking her simple things. Things went well, but I know that it was the last time she would ever hear from me again. Unless ofcourse either one of you finds this. My next person in line is Giuliannie. Oh god!!!! Wow. How can I put this nicely? You were the nicest looking girl I ever went out with, but you're a whore. I never felt safe with you. I knew that if we ever brought things along it would jsut be sex. And at first I was ok with that, until the parents go tin the way. And then you made me realize there was nothing there. But nothing made things worse than the porn pictures. I know, I have a way of making people feel sorry for me, and fo rsomereason that worked like a magnet with you. But I am the nastiest human alive, and as if I didn't know what I was doing. I could read you like a million open books and I knew that you just wanted me there for whenever you poped around to have someone as your afternoon sex slave. Well hun, if there was going to be any sex slaves it would have been you at my request. The e-mail you sent me about comming back from Costa Rica was a joke. I disapeared because I didn't want anyone to find me. Especially people such as yourself. You are a lovely naked girl,a dn you can look inocent as hell, but you need to stick to the nasty girls and the guys. Thats one thing I never was, nasty. I played nasty, and hell I played it good, ask Diana, she would know. I really do hopw some random person finds this entry. Before I continue I want to say that other than being raped I'ma virgin. Yes, my clit does drive me nuts sometimes but its becuase I was raped so my sex drive was awakened way before time. Talk about tons of masturbation. But I'm even trying to cut that now because I'm addicted and it only wants me to call up jen and ask her for some. Oh, and jen isn't someone on my hate list. I think she is the craziest sweetest thing ever. I would never date her and I would never hurt her. Thats why I keep away from her. Next, Dee Dee. O man. my list keeps getting worse and worse. I must have been insane when I dated you. I didnt find you physically attractive but there was somehting about you that I liked. There had to be. I jsut can't remember what it is. The funny hting about our time was how I had no clue who you were until we broke up. I just remember getting tipsy at your aunts house, a lot of kissing, bringing you over to my house, the library bathroom thing, which I still masturbate to by the way, and I never remember us talking about anything. Talk about the dullest relationship ever. And who the hell breaks up with someone via email and expects that to be taken as accurate. I fell in love with you, and you know it. I let myself fall in love with you and you threw me around. I'm really trying not to curse, but its hard. You humiliated me, and no one humiliates me but myself. You had no right. I hate you Dee Dee and I never want to talk to you, see you, or hear of you again. Ever. I mean this time. You know you still make me shake everytime you call me. I get so nervous and for some reason I always keep my hopes up for you. But It's too late. I wouldnt allow myself to make that mistake twice. I made sure to keep those two years I promised you there. The two years are over and I'm not waiting for you anymore. You thought I was kidding that day? You thought that I wouldn't wait for you for two years? Two damn years! I thought about you every day. I asked about you, tried to know that you were ok without you knowing so. I spent two years hoping you would call or write or send me a message. And whenever I saw you I tried not to look too excited so I wouldn't drive you away. I was glad to hear you had found someone nice. And there is nothing I can ever say to you anymore except have a good time hun. And yeah, it was nice. I miss doing dumb stuff with you sometimes and I miss holding your hand and putting my hands in your pockets. I miss you sometimes still, and I wonder sometimes if I just imagined it all. I fell in love with you. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. So these are my confessions, and there are still a whole lot more people that were hit by me on my way down to nowhere. I will never ask for sympathy and all I can really say is just look at me now. I am trying hard to change and even though it isn't easy I haven't gone off flirting with anyone for a long time compared to my usual self. I am sure of what I am doing and with the help of God and if it is his will to do so then I will be straight. As straight as an arrow, and I will get married to a good man who will understand me better than any woman could ever have. |
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| no, I havent forgotten about my online journal | |||
| 03:02pm 08/05/2007 | |||
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It has been log journal. Maybe even too long. I've missed having things to talk about but then I didn't want to write about how I messed up again. I felt kind of stupid the million times that I started writing about how I had messed p and how much of a moron I am. By the way journal, I am in love. It's good love too. I mean, nothing will probably happen, but still, atleast I know I'm alive, right? She is six years older than me and I think that she is a good catch. She makes me happy when she speaks to me. She makes me nervous whenever she's arond. And yet I managed to fuck around with her exgirlfriend when they were going out. Her ex (in nice words) is a dull headed person. She was also a pervert, but then again so am I so it didn't seem like such a big deal to me. I won't go into excrutiating detail, but I told shorty, (thats the girl i have a crush on) what had happened in vivid detail. That same day Valerie and Alan died in a car accident. Talk about Karma. I didn't find out until after the funeral. Talk about Karma... again. I finally realized what was going on and had to run to a bathroom and start crying. It's been about two or three weeks since I found out they had died and I hadn't gone throught that shock period yet. I was having a pretty bad bipolar moment, it lasted about a month. I was off... way off. My eyes looked nuts and I just couldn't stop myself from doing stupid stuff. I just decided to let go of everything. My parents even got scared and let me go out running in the middle of the night. Jen got real scared too. She kept trying to make me not hurt myself. I think I was going insane that day. She helped me calm down a lot though. Thanks Jen, you're a sweetheart. I'm still not ready to see Diana though, and I'm scared about graduation. I feel like she might shoot me or throw a granade at me or something... maybe run me over. I'm not crazy about staying after graduation over at FIU that day anyways so I might leave early to avoid her. It sounds bad when you say it like that, but it's the truth. I wish I could turn back time by a lot. I think I'd even start middle school over. Ok, so maybe not that much. Now that I think about it, I've felt like this before. And now, those things that I wanted to fix are completely irrelevant. Even if I would have changed them I'd still be how I am now. (Alone, nerdy, single, and bipolar) But I 'm not all that bad. I mean, how often do you meet someone who's bipolar and admits to it and tries hard to work on it? If it werent for that I'd deserve to be locked up in Citrus. Well, I'm going to watch some gay flicks now. I'll write in here later journal. |
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| 09:56am 08/02/2007 | |||
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| plop | ||||
| 10:20am 25/01/2007 | ||||
Floating up, up, up Into the sky so high, high, high I wrap my arms around your waist Thinking of heaven Because of the way you taste. I look down, down, down And with tears in my eyes I pray, pray, pray That you won’t fall with me so low That we will stay up and never low. You look into me, and only me, and only me And I hear the beating of your heart It is so close to me, so close to me, so close to me And nothing can wake up my senses And you won’t ever escape me Because you are a part of me |
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good| off the top | |||
| 03:24pm 06/10/2006 | |||
| I havent felt at all good today. told Danay a whole range of things. I really want to tell her about how badly I messed up last year, but I can't seem to be able to. I really have no guts. I still havent spoken with Diana, and I really do want to, maybe not today but next week. We both have a lot to concider. I mean, she's mellowed out a lot. Not matured, but mellowed out. Now shes just an angry selfish kid, not a good combination. I dont understand half of what she does, just the smae way I dont understand my little brother. I know Shorty and her wont be together forever, unless shorty feels like commiting suicide or something. Even though they're pretty steady, theres a lot mroe to a relationship. I dont know why I worry sometimes. I really shouldnt. Well I'm gonna go and make myself a sandwhich. Its been a pleasure writing to you journal. It really has. | |||
| i messed up | |||
| 05:09pm 05/10/2006 | |||
| so you expect everything to be going well. I mean after a while being single should make you realize stuff and youknow all the bull shit. But it really isn't that way. I'm not mad any more. BUt she treats me like a side bar. Like that person that she knows she'll always have there, and if i ever even hint on it she will just get mad and leave me behind. My frustration beats at me so much. I love her so much. I really do and her opinion is held in a very high place within me. I hope things will cool down. I know if they dont I'll miss her like hell. I sur ewish I wouldn't have exploded. I burst out with my dyke self. lol. man, my head is playing tricks on me. I used to be able to think twice before i said something. it's becomming really hard. i sur ewish she doesn't take it bad. I know she did, but i hope a week from now she wont be mad at me anymore... | |||
| they blocked myspace from the library computers | |||
| 02:13pm 08/06/2006 | |||
| yes, im pissed now. it was my only way to check it during the summer. i dont have cash and i need to make a call. too many reasons to be disapointed. i dont like using these laptops but its the only thing they had. i have no way to communicate with so many of my friends. this sucks. i miss everyone real bad. i feel like watching a lesbian flick. won't be happy til i do it. im also sort of tired. and i look fat. i was having some real bad nightmares again. not like the ones i washaving before. these are like real life dreams that are nightmares. I feel like writiting anohter book. something with some sense in it. something that will leave its readers thinking. something that will cause a revolution. i love it. i hope everyone is having a wonderful summer. and even though no body reads these journals anymore i say it just in case | |||
| i miss diana | |||
| 10:01pm 14/05/2006 | |||
| i really really really really really really miss her | |||
| ... | ||||
| 04:02pm 10/05/2006 | ||||
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blah| SMILES | |||
| 04:19pm 04/05/2006 | |||
| Wow, I'm having a pretty good day. I was hdding from DeeDee even thouogh she's ignoring me. Well that was during lunch. The begining of the day was pretty good. I mean it wasn't like yesterday that my parents almost veat the shit out of each other... verbaly. But today was different. it was like very light and happy and it was just really gay. I've been feeling real gay lately. Like magnetized by rainbows gay. Like supporting any gay inclination in this world gay. Like humping the gayest people around me gay. Its amazing. Jess has made me smile a lot too. That's really weird. I know nothing can happen but I can't really help but feeling happy because I can actually get a date somewhere with her. I have no self esteem... lalalalala. Sorry, my dad is screaming at my little brother and it is really disturbing. oh wow, can you tell I'm hyper. I kept on grabing on Jess's leg. That was fun. I'm trying to flirt with her. It's kind of hard though. Anything that has to do with flirting is hard for me. I really can't do it. I have no balls. No sperm to spread... lalalala.... heh. Oh by the way the nightmares are gone. I'm actually SLEEPING. it is awesome. I really missed sleeping. Oh man. I feel relaxed.I have to study for Bio though. I don't want to do that test twice. K, bye journal... I told you I hadn't forgoten you. | |||
| TRASH | |||
| 10:08am 02/05/2006 | |||
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How did it start? Well I don’t know I just feel the craving I see flesh and it smells fresh And it’s just there for the taking These little girls, They make me feel so goddam exhilerated I fill them up, I can’t give it up To me, I’m just erasing I tell my lies, and I despise Every second I’m with you So I run away And you still stay So what the fuck is with you? Your feelings I can’t help but rape them I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same My heart inside is constantly hating I’m sorry, I just throw you away I don’t know why I’m so fucking cold I don’t know why it’s hurts me All I wanna is get with you And make the pain go away Why do I have a conscience? All it does is fuck with me Why do I have this torment? All I wanna do is fuck it away I tell my lies, and I despise Every second I’m with you So I run away And you still stay So what the fuck is with you? Your feelings I can’t help but rape them I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same My heart inside is constantly hating I’m sorry, I just throw you away I tell my lies, and I despise Every second I’m with you So I run away And you still stay So what the fuck is with you? Your feelings I can’t help but rape them I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same My heart inside is constantly hating I’m sorry, I just throw you away Just throw you away |
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| PEOPLE SUCK | |||
| 04:09pm 01/05/2006 | |||
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Actually that is the phrase of the day not the subject. Even though people do suck. I'm not going to include details because I'm really tired of this shit. You know, you think you can get on with your fucking life but there you are always doing somehting wrong or morally wrong at least to everyone elses code. I have no code. I really don't I do things as I think of them not even realizing what I'm doing. BUt I am sick of this shit. Everyone that I've known for the past two years is completely unknown to me now. I wish everyone would just go away. I wish that if you are in a relationship and the relationship ends, you don't ever have to see that person again. I am about to shoot my brains out because of how hazardous this shit is being to me. And like I said this is the least of my worries. I've acutally done worse things in the past few days. Like hitting on my friends girlfriend. Yeah, thats pretty bad. What about fucking up in school. What about everything that used to be important. It all went down the drain. II don't know what I'm good at any more. I think I'm good at screwing people over... lmao |
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| a little update | |||
| 12:14am 22/04/2006 | |||
| hey, I am trying to get some work done but my concentration level is all undone. I keep getting nightmares; I used to not dream at all and now I keep getting some really weird nightmares. this afternoon I was trying to take a nap and it didn't really work even though I slept, but the thing is that my nightmares aren't exactly a huge thing chasing me or anything like that. Its some real weird stuff. I dreamt that I was being possessed and it was just crazy because my body kept moving and I couldn't make it stop and I just kept shaking and I just felt like soemthing was taking over me. Maybe its just the fact that my concience feels unclean. I'm not sure. I woke up covered in sweat though.I was scared. And it doesn't matter at what time of the day I sleep. I just keep getting nightmares. And all of them are like that. The worst part is that I can control so much but I just want to see what happens. Like I know that I can hurt myself and I know all I have to do is move and that'll wake me up, but I wan't to see how it feels to be hurt in a dream. I heard one time that you can die in your sleep if you die in a dream. I wonder how true it is. But it is so weird. | |||
| hey journal | |||
| 03:58pm 27/02/2006 | |||
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Im still alive... and I will be for te rest of my life... HEH. I guess I don't have much to say. All these journals sound so pathetic. I can't say I'm in love again, because I'm not and I am just so over so many htings. Even though I do still get goosebumps everyonce in a while whenever I see any of my ex-girlifriends, it's either that or my stomache turns. Well good bye journal, you've been very faithful |
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| 12:44pm 11/02/2006 | |||
| i hate not being able to write anymore. love sux. i gained weight. i hate my body... a lot. i think ive changed. and i wish this didn't sound like a poem. i'm in love with someone who doesnt even have the slightest idea that i have feelings for her. | |||
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makememine |
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