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[14 Oct 2003|06:27pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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last Resort: PapaRoach |
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BATON Practice from 7-7:30 tonight...Im in baton im practicing to be a majorette for tryouts in March. Im going up against 3 freshies. There really good. I dont think ill eb abel to handle it if i dont make it. A junior losing ut to a couple of freshies. Thats gonna look great. I never win no surprise ive learned to live with that fact thou. I have never een able to compete with anyone. Im very competitive i just never win. Some say its cuz I dont want it enough. BUT I DO! I dont want it....i NEED it. Its that feeling you havewhen u coem in first and everyoen is cheering for u and their tellign u how great you are. I NEED that feeling. I try to be smart. Its just hard. I used to be. But when you feel bad about yourself theres nothing there.
Me and my friends hven een gettign along. I cant seem to get alogn with people when im not happy. This is me. Learn to live with it. SOemone was tellign me that i make them want to cry becaus they know i dont like them. I told them to cry me a river than drown themselves in it. I scare myself sometimes, the way i dont care ( or atleast pretend not to) Its hard hearign people talk about u while your standing there and smile and pretend that its not beign said. Have you ever wanted to shove yourself in a corner and close your eyes and pretend everything was a bad dream? I have :( It sucks. Badly.Ive read peoples journals of them talking about death, how it feels so good cuttign yourself, feelign your life slip away as the blood drips from their wrists. Does it really feel like heaven, does the pain really leave? Are you happy now?
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