Blurty for Chris Kelly.

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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003

Time:1:22 am.
Interesting day today, I woke up around noon, and got ready for a dental appointment, all went well on that, afterwards I thought that some food from where I work sounded good. So I walk in two hours before Im scheduled to work and am told to grab my uniform and hop on line. I was wearing at the time white khakis, which Im supposed to wear black slacks, so I was a biut of the odd one out. I was scheduled 5-9, but I worked 3-9

The only other thing of note is that my family doesnt do much in the way of traditions, except one, we make sugar cookies and decorate them with homemade frosting sprinkles and red hots. Since I was at work, my family decided they couldnt wait for me, and did it without me. I must say Im disapointed, ah well, such is life
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Monday, December 22nd, 2003

Subject:failures and confessions
Time:2:44 am.
Mood: exhausted.
Music:The sounds of silence - quite literly.
I had the oppurtunity to read a few things today and it put a few things into perspective. first and foremost my writing doesnt say *anything* its just a bunch of words strung together in such a way that it was pleasing to me. I shall never be any good at writing until I learn what needs to be part of.......cipes I havnt the foggiest Idea what I need to learn, I mean hell If I could explain it, I would know it, but seeing as how I know diddly squat...........Everything I do I do matter how hard I try to find a niche in which I am at least somewhat skilled in, I fail, or my body fails me...screw running screw chess, and most of all screw work, I just want to go hide out on a mountain until I slowly waste away or catch hypothermia, whichever comes first.

Of couse I dont actually mean that, its just that it would be a hell of a lot easier. I look and look for achievments, but everywhere I turn I find failure, and its not due to lack of trying. I cant write, I cant win any game, I cant draw, I cant stand human beings in general..........................................I can honestly say that I cant see anything good comming for me on the horizon. What I do imagen is that I finish high school, however get denide a college education due to the fact the high school has killed my soul. I see myself being kicked out of my fathers house, and getting a place in the ole hillyard high apartment complex, the cheapest in spokane, and continuing my fruitless labor at fast food. And the worst thing is, I have no motivation to do any better for myself, I just dont care, in all actuality I stopped caring years ago, however, Ive been able to put up a facade that happens to be failing at the moment. My friends have all but abandoned me, I dont blame them, Ive been too far gone long before I met them, but that is far from meaning that Im not disappointed. I suppose I have what I always wanted, to be left alone in my own misery. The only real thing Im good at it seems is complaining about everything, and I am quoted here as saying "It hurt, but I've learned something, I could either whine about it and make things worse, or just keep going. I kept going". So much for that.

I suppose Im actually good at two things, the latter and manipulation/intimidation. I can lie cheat and talk my way out of just about anything. I have a rare ability to tell someone a bald faced lie, without flinching or feeling the least bit bad for it, so long as it gives me another few hours of...well essentially being left alone. Ive come to a conclusion, not only am I mostly useless, I'm also a fairly terrible person, and the worst part is, I have absolutely no motivation to change. I know its a problem, but it has thus far benefitted me to be this way, so why change? one might say that Id eventually be caught, but isnt that what I want? at least subconciously? even so, when youve done it as long as I have, you dont get caught. It's an art form, deciding what is plausable, what is reasonable, how far will it go, how do I interweave it amongst my other deceits. There are truths about me that no one knows, not a soul, hell its so buried and hidden I dont think even I know what they are. If I were to put as much effort in other things as I do in this, perhaps I'd actually be good at something, perhaps make myself worth something, rather than stay at the bottom rung of society, constantly asking if you'd like fires and value meals. I was once told that the eerie thing about my generation was the complete and utter lack of hope, at first I didnt believe him, but now, as time progresses, I find it to be all too true. Motivation, or the lack there of has simply destroyed me, the only thing I live for is to see just how much longer till my world comes crashing down. I suppose it wont be too much longer, but you know me, I live to delay the inevitable. Perhaps one day I'll be happy, and life can continue, and I'll *want* to better myself, I'll want good things for me, to look and feel good, but at the moment I feel most like myself when Im introspective, thinking silently about nothing and everything.

Sleep....I suppose part, or perhaps all of my problem is because I cant sleep. I have no energy, no motivation to get up, Im tired of being tired all the time, and not being able to do anything about it without having to pop sleeping pills and end up an adict like so many people in my family, or seeing a shrink, who will bill me an insane amount an hour just to tell me I love my mother, and want to kill my father, when in all actuality it is thwe exact oppisite of the truth, and beside who is better suited to analyze me than me! and thats about all I do lately, every thing I say is repeated over and over in my head, until I figure out exactly everything there is to know about what I said, besides this whole post, journel my entire life is an act of self analyzation! Im probably just 12 hours of sleeplessness away from hearing voices, and only 36 hours away from listening to them!...christ...I'm so tired....
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Saturday, December 20th, 2003

Subject:Oops almost forgot
Time:2:09 am.
Mood: weird.
Music:Mad World - Gary Jules.
In case your confused by the switch from talking about fries and flippin burgers at wendy's and dealing with customers at BK, it's cause I got fired from wendy's for "having a bad attitude"

The story behind it is thus, I went to work for a 4 hour shift. The first hour would be spent on grill flipping burgers, the other 3 on fries. Needless to say I relish working on the grill as it breaks some of the monotony of fries. So I show up, check the schedule and see that the next week I only work 9 hours and there all fry shifts. So I was in a bad mood to start with and then 45 min. after I got there they wanted me to take my ten. Now anyone who has worked fries knows that you look forward to your break in the middle so your head doesnt explode from boredom. So, in a less then friendly/respectful voice I told them that I had just got there and would prefere to wait. They responded in a similer tone of voice that I had no choice in the matter, so I stalked off to the crew room and threw my hat with medium forcee into a corner and sat down to count the minutes until I could work again. However, the manager saw this and told me that "we dont need this kind of attitude here, go home and as far as Im concerned your done here." So, I grabbed my hat and walked out. I made it to my car before realizing I left my sweatshirt in the crew room, and had to stalk back in and get it. Kind of embarassing, however I disliked just about everyone I worked with and I dont particularly care what they think.

This was kind of a long time comming. I was jerk to my coworkers and they responded to me in kind, and I had absolutely no respect for the managers. They were dicks (excuse my profanity) and they treated me like crap. My only wish was that I could have quit and perhaps wreaked havoc on the store on my way out. Oh well.

Right after I left I went to BK which was my first job, and reapplied and got my job back. My earlier post describes why I left in the first place, and why I want to leave again, oh well, such is life. Anyhow, thats that
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Subject:Life the universe and everything...
Time:1:57 am.
Mood: weird.
Music:Mad World - Gary Jules.
Well, It's been about 5 months or so since I last updated. I suppose I've got a bit to tell. firstly my dreams of being a good runner shattered when first off I blew my knee, and pulled my hip flexer muscle. I basically stopped running and working even though at the moment I'm essentailly healed from it, but it's just to damn hard to get motivated. Another thought I should share is that I climbed Mount Maude last Augest in central Washington. It was a balst. for the most part the trail was non-existant and I got a crash course in path finding. All kinds of fun, lemme tell ya. On the way out we had little choice but to go through a heavily wooded area downslope towards the trail head. I was following my cous Kelly fairly closely and my Dad was a ways behind. Kelly kicked over a log by accident and soon after a felt a sting on my knuckle, then another on my hand several on my leg, and many more on my arms and hands. he kicked over a bee's nest. The only way I got away was falling about 20 feet downslope, and then they left me alone. It hurt, but I've learned something, I could either whine about it and make things worse, or just keep going. I kept going, I think that this impressed my cous, since he kept offering to give me some sting relief, and I kept refusing. I was able to warn my dad away from the spot sincee he was far enough back. figures I would be the only one stung though, oh well.

I actually posted the rest of this on another site, but I feel it fills ya in on the rest and I dont want to type it all out again

I've been in kind of an angry stupor lately. It's kinda a catch-22, I do something stupid, and I get angry, then I go and do something stupider. For example,

1. I bought a new car, a 96 Chevy Corsica. About a week after I got it I locked the only set of key's I had in it, so I had to pay some lock jockey to come out and fix it...I realized that I had locked them in my car Wednesday night, I had some important classes to make in the morning, so I planned to drive my bug to class and have my sis wait around for the smithy. However, in usual fashion my insomnia kicked in high gear at the worst possible time and when I finally fell asleep, It was 7 and I didn't Wake up till noon. missing both classes.

2. My work, I work at burger king in Spokane wa on Newport highway, anyhow, for the past week we've had people quit, get fired or transfered until we were down to about 6 employees left. We hired 4 people to replace the 10 we lost before the owners of the franchise put on a hiring freeze. Not only do I work every night and close, it is my responsibility to keep the store clean, train the newbies, and keep the customers happy. Customers are idiots. The GM at BK needs to wear a helmet. All the time.

3. My computer has either been in pieces, not loading, or munching on my cash for several months now,and Im no closer to getting it the way I want it. New games these days have been requiring brand name vid cards, and only mention it off to the side in smaller print then the rest of the req spec's. when I shell out 50 bucks for a game I expect it to work on my machine, and when It doesn't...grrr...

4. Class...Im a senior in high school, and well, what can I say. I go to the poorest school in my city, and Im surrounded by people of dubious character all day long. The last thing I want to do is sound arrogant, however these people piss me off on a daily basis with their inane chatter, useless questions, inability to pay attention, skill in disruption, and the pure and simple fact that they belong in an elementary school. The classes themselves are boring, and slow, and I'm taking one of the harder course loads available to me. Within the last year or so, I've missed more class than I show up to, however, in that time I've also learned more than I ever would have if I had attended those class' however because of the pointless busy work, and useless daily work my gpa has dropped to an unacceptable level, and my college prospects look slimmer every day. Ive suffered for 3 years, and I just want to be done...

5. Because of all these things combined my father has been questioning me on everything I do, from going to class (understandable) to asking if I shower and brush my teeth daily (pisses me off, since I most certainly do) every moment I spend home with him really bites, so I spend most of time at work, which isn't much better. Another thing, I cant even be honest with my dad, since he just goes and tells my siblings and his friends, and I take @#%$ from them for months, I still take crap from them when I told my dad about my inability to sleep. This has a tendency to make me bottle up all my anger depression and other feelings of inadequacy, and at this particular moment, I'm near the point of boiling over. Teenage Angst in a nutshell.

6. And last and least, I've been working on getting better on my chess game and have been playing near constantly in order to gain some skill, but no matter how many book moves and defenses I study, I still suck, I cant win a game if my life depended on it.

Also, this is worth mentioning, As a younger kid I used to rp and chat with some people on aol. It was probably some of the better times I've had. For about a year or so now, Ive been out of touch with 'em, however within the past week or so I've gotten back in touch with one of 'em. This is worth noting for two reasons, the obvious reunion with an old friend, and the fact that I've come to terms with how depressingly young I am, and was honest with her about it for the first time. Thankfully all is well.

Until Next time (which hopefully wont be half a year next time)

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Friday, July 25th, 2003

Time:12:21 am.
Mood: bored.
Music:3rd Rock From the Sun.
Life is passing me by. Oh well.

As I said earlier, I helped my brother move some boxes into storage, nothing terribly exciting. I got to hang out with some neat little kids today. One turns 3 on the 2nd of August, the other is 16 months old. Those two are the coolest kids, if I didn't want kids some day, I do now. My only worry is that the world will continue to slide down hill, and they won't be up to the challenge of staying clean. I dunno, maybe someday.

Well, I don't have anything else of interest to say today, so...
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Thursday, July 24th, 2003

Time:12:31 am.
Music:Boom! System of a Down.
Well here we go. I've been putting this rant off for awhile now but I need to get this off my chest...

I've never had a girlfriend, and it's not necessarily due to the lack of trying. I would like to get to know a chick before I ask her out, since I don't want to waste my time with a fling. This approach might seem like a good way to go, but when I finally make the decision to ask her out, I find out she already has a guy, and I'm not about to wedge myself into that. I live in kind of a bad neighborhood, and go to a kinda bad school. Most of the "good" girls I know have steady relationships, which leaves me with the 'gangsta slutty' chicks, of which I wouldn't want to date for hope of a long fruitful relationship. Unfortunately, I consider myself an intellectual. I'm constantly thinking, and most of said thoughts are rather negative. I usually talk myself out of pursuing anything. Here's a story that kind of fits, I was going to see a movie with my brother. To get to the theatre we had to walk through the mall. This decent looking chick approached me, and was flirting quite heavily. I just gave her the cold shoulder, and eventually she went away. I kinda feel bad, but at the time, she seemed too direct. I dunno, maybe I'm just not ready. Damn it though, I really want a girl in my life. I think that if I was able to catch a really good chick, my life would be better. I'd actually feel like doing things, like going to see movies, hanging out with people who aren't 6-8 years older than me, and just having some good old fashioned fun. Maybe someday. By the way, if your at all curious what I look for in a woman, here ya go. She has to be smart, be able to hold her own in a debate, not take a friendly debate personally, a happy outlook on life, ya know the all around good personality, she's got to love the outdoors, not necessarily as much as I do, but enough, she's got to be fit, I like a chick that I can run with, some of my best and closest friends are the people I run with, I'm not really hung up on looks but I do have some standards, call me superficial, I don't care, at least looks are on the bottom of a rather specific list.

Okay enough of my chick troubles, time for what you came here for, to listen to me jabber about how my day was! Things are going well for once. My car is alive and well for now, I still have a job, which is always nice. Speaking of which, the only real thing of interest for today is that I did work tonight. They had me on as an extra person, which meant I was on cleaning detail. I had to clean the wheels and legs of all the equipment in the store, which lemme tell ya is not a pleasant job. Not to mention the fact that almost everything in that damn store has wheels and legs. I had to get down on the floor and just scrub, its definitely killer on my back. Not to mention many of my fellow employee's decided to tell me exactly what they've been spilling on the floor lately. It was all in good fun though. Took awhile to get that done, then they sent me on a few odd jobs before sending me on my merry little way 45 minutes early. Which is fine, although I get crap for hours, I wasn't looking forward to standing there staring at the wall until my shift was up.

Tomorrow I'm gonna help my brother and his wife move. Kind of a sad case really. He graduated from Gonzaga University with a bachelors in electrical engineering, however with the economy as it is, he can't find a job anywhere in the US that doesn't require insane amounts of experience. His wife is a grade school teacher, she doesn't have as much trouble finding a job, but she wants to put it off until Mike gets one first, since he will be making more money. Such is life. Their lease is up at the end of this month, and they don't want to renew it, so they're moving into Jana's (Mike's wife) mom's house for a few weeks. Just until they figure out what they want to do. I'm a little depressed about all this since Mike, Jana, and I have a pretty good relationship. At least once a week, usually more, I hang out with them, we do anything from play cards to watch movies, to play basketball. Not to mention the fact that aside from my running they are almost the entirety of my social life. When they move away things are going to be awful lonely for me. Oh well, there's always suicide...I'm joking. I guess I'll have to pick up the phone and start rekindling old friendships. Maintaining friendships is hard work, what I had with my brother came easy. Oh well anything good is worth the effort I suppose, no more clinging to my brother for friendships that I should have been able to find a long time ago. Such is life, I suppose. Well that's enough for tonight, Latz
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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003

Time:9:50 pm.
Mood: cold.
Okay, lemme finish up. Now, I almost (purposely) left this part out, as I was leaving my cousins house I stopped at a 7-11 to get some gas, and as I was going to pull away, the car wouldn't start. I called up my uncle Jim to get a jump. Coincidently my cousin Kevin happened to drive by and gave me a jump as Jim was pulling in. Jim yelled at me about the gas cap being gone, and told me to go back to his house so he could look at my car. He put some water in the battery and sent me on my way. Now here's where things get bad. When I put the brake on in my car it stays down until I lift it with my foot. A block away from Jim's house I stopped at a stop sign and was about to take off, I forgot to put the brake off and killed it. It wouldn't start up again, so I had to call up AGAIN for another jump and lecture. So I hop on to the freeway and start cruising at a brisk 60 mph when suddenly I start to loose speed. Nothing I did would make it speed back up. When I reached 10 mph I happened to turn off my headlights and the gas caught and I started speeding back up. At that point it occurred to me that the metal part of my backseat was resting on the battery terminals. I couldn't fix it while driving, and I was afraid to pull over, so I wouldn't kill it again, so I drove home without headlights at ten PM. Everyone kept fuggin flashing there brights at me, which is extremely annoying, not to mention blinding. I know they were trying to be helpful, but god damn people need to mind there own business. The streets were well lit, there was no reason for it. Oh well, what the hell, I was pissed. I did get home okay, and I threw the car on the charger for a few days, and It's been doing fine since. I do know though that its the generator brushes that are bad. I'll fix it soon. On the way home from Seattle, at the top of Snohomie Pass, was stop and go traffic from the summit to the end of Lake Kachess. A semi over turned and 4 lanes of traffic bottle necked into one lane. Took me a little over 3 hours to go 64 miles. After 7 and a half hours of driving I got home. Not much happened last night, I just went over to my brothers place and watched Tombstone, quite possibly the best movie ever made. Didn't do much today either, went to work. Mostly flipped burgers, and my plans for tonight are fairly slim. Oh well. Latz
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Monday, July 21st, 2003

Time:11:23 pm.
I was right, I wasn't able to post this week. Oh well, It's been kind of a long week, so I'll just give the highlights. I didn't do much the first day, too darn tired for only getting something like 3 hours of sleep. A couple of days later I went over to my cousins house, usually its pretty lively over there, but things were relatively quiet this time. A little disappointing, but overall still had a good time. Went to my cousins softball game. It's a pretty relaxed rec league, and my cous KC is a college ball player, and so are 6 other guys on his team. Both games he played they one with the mercy rule, a 12 run lead by the bottom of the 5th. The other team never stood a chance. On Thursday I helped my sister move into her new place, she's sharing it with a friend of hers from college. The place is nice a 2 bed 1 bath over by her campus. Her school gives her a big discount on kayaking and other cool stuff on lake Watcom so we went kayaking. Something I've always wanted to try. It was a load of fun, but with all the running I do, my upper body strength tends to be lacking, so it was a little tough, but I held my own. Friday my sisters, her son, and I went to the bite of Seattle. It was fun, good music, good food, and good company. I got some ribs that were mighty tasty and I bought some smoked salmon that was absolutely delicious. And on Sunday we celebrated my grandma's 72nd birthday. It was fun, so long as I could ignore my aunt, things can be fun. Let me explain this a bit. My aunt used to be a middle school drug counselor. She was a great person, and fun to be around. Unfortunately, she got into the drugs she was counseling people against. Now, she was able to keep this a secret for awhile, until she stole some of my mom's harsher pain med's and said that Kory (my sisters kid, about 2 or 3 at the time) had eaten them. We rushed him to the hospital and pumped his stomach. The poor kid. Not long after we found out that it was Jan (my aunt) who took them. For some reason we didn't do anything about it, I was about 9 or so. A year later my aunt took my sister out clubbing and she bought some ecstasy. My sister told my mom, and grandma. My mom wanted to have an intervention for her, but my grandma wouldn't have it, so things quieted back down again. My mom and I moved down to richland because it was much cheaper to live there, and she had an old friend who lived there that she could hang out with. Mom had a stash of money in her bedroom that she used to pay her rent. Mysteriously after my aunt visited, the money vanished along with some of my mom's med's. After that we couldn't afford to live on our own, Mom moved in with my Grandma, me with my dad. Once again, nothing happened to, or for my aunt. About another year later Jan collapsed during a school field trip, and was fired for drug use. Not too long after that she moved into my Mom's and Grandma's house. Thing's there are pretty tense, and mom and our side of the family tend to avoid her at all costs. Also, there's much more to this story, but I either don't know all the details, or didn't bother to tell ya. Jan had a condo on the Everett water front that she cant get sold. So, on Monday and Saturday My grandma and I went over and painted the fairly large condo. You see, Jan was too 'sick' to help. Oh well I gotta jet now, I'll finish up later.
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Sunday, July 13th, 2003

Time:4:22 am.
Mood: sleepy.
I must apologize for missing yesterday, I was extremely busy all day. It was a good kind of busy, I fixed up my car so that it runs quite well again, got some precautionary items for my trip (jumper cables, battery charger, flares, etc.). After all that I went and saw the movie Pirates of the Caribbean. It was pretty decent, some things about it bothered me, but overall its still worth a look. Once that was done, I went over to a friend of mines house, he was having a small party. It was pretty cool, he had cards, football, pool, and a bunch of other cool stuff. I won at cards, and lost at pool and football. I don't care too much about the football thing, but I want to get better at pool. Someday I'll have to get a table. Well, It's four in the morning, and I'm waiting for my laundry to dry so I can finish packing for Seattle. I'm going to be gone for a week, I'll try and post while I'm away but chances are I'll have to wait until Monday night (the 21st) to post again. Latz
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Friday, July 11th, 2003

Time:8:55 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
Music:tv guide channel theme song.
Don't let anyone ever tell you life is good, because it isn't. I had put in for a week off at work and when I checked the schedule, I was scheduled to work four days next week, after begging friends into taking my shifts, I unhappily finish my workday, picked up my paycheck, and left to get it cashed. Now, this is where it gets bad, My bank closes at 7, I get off at 8, so like the trash I know I am, I went to the money tree. My family does not know I go there on occasion, and I want to keep it that way. The money tree is about 3 miles from my home, and when my battery died in their parking lot, and no one had jumpers, I made the logical decision. I began to push my car home. I have a vw bug so I could do it okay. I made it about 5 blocks when someone offered to help push it. I was tired but there was no way I could let someone help me push my car 2 and a half miles. 2 blocks later a buddy of mine from work drove past and had jumper cables. I got lucky. Now this bout of luck was doomed from the start, I have the worst or best depending on how you look at it, unlucky streak that was not to be shaken by the good deed of a friend. I have planned a trip to Seattle to see my mom on Monday, but If my battery keeps dying on me, I may not want to go. Getting stuck in Seattle does not sound like a good time to me. okiedokie rant over. Goodnight
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Thursday, July 10th, 2003

Time:11:43 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
Not too much to say today, my brother just became a card carrying soccer mom. He and his wife just bought a Chevy Tahoe. Its a huge monstrous thing which I will never be able to see around in my vw bug. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who think owning an suv=terrorist, but I don't particularly like the gas it guzzles, however I don't have to waste my money on it so whatever. What I really dislike about those monsters is that whenever one gets in front/behind/side of me, I can never see around it, or when I want to turn right and I can't see around its massive bulk. Oh well. One other thing, I had a thought today about why I am truly doing this journal. Its because I really enjoy writing, however everything I write is crap, it lacks emotion, and this is my way of practicing writing emotion related things. In a few months or so, I will post an exert of something I've written and hope that anyone who happens to read it will give me some good constructive criticism.
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Wednesday, July 9th, 2003

Time:11:54 pm.
Anybody who has ever worked at a fast food place will understand this, Today while at work (Wendy's) I was put on the grill. I have to lay raw meat and cook it. Very interesting, trust me. When meat becomes over cooked, or broken it goes into a pan and later becomes chili meat, which in itself is disgusting. Well, 10 minutes after I started my boss (a 40 year old man still working fast food) came and yelled at me about my meat being over cooked. In my humble opinion the meat was still fine but what are ya gonna do? I replaced it with fresher meat. A few minutes later he came by and yelled at me again, and again I quietly replaced it. A third time he came back and yelled at me. He told me to maintain three stages of meat (cooked, uncooked, raw, there are 3 rows of three patties each row is a stage) So I did. Every time the middle row was cooked, the still very good and fresh meat went right into the chili pan. Now this seems insignificant but after 2 hours I had 72 patties of meat in this pan. I worked for another three hours but some other unfortunate soul had to count that, which was probably well over a hundred.

Speaking of which, if anyone has any thoughts on where I can get a job (like a grocery store) in Spokane Washington, lemme know. I'm a little tired of being treated like crap.
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Time:9:59 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
Music:Diamonds and Guns -Transplants.
My first post...Hmm, welcome.

Enough with the pleasantries, now you get to hear about me and my thoughts.

This being my first post I'll catch you up on my life, that way you can understand the current goings on.

Like many youth, my parents are divorced, however they are still pretty good friends. I lived with my Mom during my younger years, I've moved about 5 times all in the state of Washington. My mom's gotten pretty sick and is unable to work. So when she had to move into her mothers house, I moved in with my dad. Things have gone pretty good. Basically, right now, I'm still living with my dad, I'm also a senior in high school, and a varsity distance runner.
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Blurty for Chris Kelly.

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