Below are the 6 most recent journal entries.

	2003.12.17  15.40 u know -- stuff there's a new guy at school w/short teeth. he says he's from NY but i think he's lying. he wears cowboy boots, tight Wranglers, and all of his tight shirts stay tucked in. he sat at our table during lunch. and he laughed at all my jokes. Phen gave me his number last night...so did Josh (Ash's brother). i think i'm supposed to call them tonight, but i can't remember. exams r stupid. i came to this conclusion right before i fell asleep during second hour in the computer lab. the Beta Club is also stupid, but i like it enough to participate and i feel honored to have been initiated. some guy friends of mine keep joking that i should go out for the football team. there's no doubt in my mind that i could make it, but that would require me to quit marching band (and give up my position as Drum Major) -- and i refuse to surrender my podium. the world is just completely and utterly perfect when i'm up there. no way, dude...no effin' way. i dunno wtf is goin' on w/Ryke. his & Frank's computer over in Germany is really messed up. i wonder when Ryke talked to his gf last. i hope not at all. yeh yeh, it's mean -- but it's true. i took the mini-SAT today for the SAT Competition Team...560 Verbal, 440 Math. so basically i'm a dumb-ass. my highest combined SAT score is 1060, and i need at least an 1100 to get that stupid scholarship... note: lots of things are "stupid" today. Mr. Fort (the CHS band director from a long time ago) came into fourth hour today to work w/us on our Region Band solos, but i was the last person he was going to work with, and he ran out of time before the bell rang to go to the SAT CT. lucky me! :D my dad's pissed off b/c i didn't tell him about the band Christmas concert (two weeks ago). but he's not allowed to be mad @ me b/c of the following 3 reasons: 1) i didn't tell anyone about the concert (due to fear of embarassment) 2) i am cute 3) he loves me in other words, i don't really care if he's mad... i think maybe my mum & i are going Christmas shopping tonight since i've got the Christmas party on Friday. My Christmas List: Jakerbug Jewy Kiwi Anna Sarah Neeky Court K'la Dad Baby Boy (done) Richard Mum Turtle Meg I. Toby McG (done) Mr. Martin (done) Granny Mimi & Poppi Nicholigio Dana Burger & Patricio and a couple more i'm probably forgetting... i don't really have $ for all that. but w/e. i was trying to cross the pick-up line after school today w/Timbo beside me, and since it's a pedestrian crosswalk, i didn't stop when this purple SUV sped up. Timbo stopped. the SUV's side-view mirror hit me in the hand. i could sue, but i won't. there are a lot of ppl here that would. but not me. AP US History exam & English exam tomorrow. i should probably study. yes, if i were a good student, i would do that. but i'm not, so i'm still sitting here. hm...i need chap-stick (btw, the best chap-stick ever is Blistex DCT -- wind musicians use it all the time to heal cracked lips before performances, and dentists use it to heal cracked lips on patients WHiLE THEY'RE iN THE OFFiCE! so in other words, it's ubar-awesome stuff & u should get some). shit, i can't think of anything else. life is good. to quote Mr. Wuhthy: "Praise Allah!" btw, today some friends and i found a map about the size of a Twister mat, so guess what we did. we played Twister on the map! yep! only we called it something stupid like "Mapper" or something. it's actually a lot harder to play that u would think b/c most of the map, of course, is water. therefore, all the countries that one can call out are generally close together (meaning the players' bodies have to be closer together). not only that, but u really have to know ur geography (i fell down while trying to find the Solomon Islands). maybe one day that will be an "educational game." well i'm through boring u (few) readers w/this BS. hope everyone had a wonderful day. sorry i can't be more engergetic. :) o yeh -- to Kiwi...don't forget ur true friends, hey. truly true -- Maegs o yeh -- i found this today in the band room floor. i have no clue where it came from. i'll leave u w/it. "After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding and hand and chaining and soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes straight ahead with the grace of a man or a woman instead of with the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even shunshine burns if you ask too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure and that you really are strong and that you really have worth. And you learn and you learn. With every good-bye, you learn."

	2003.12.16  18.11 The Unfinished Song Take me away Lay me down on blankets far below the sky Let perfection radiate through your touch As I try to crawl inside your mind Hold me close Tell me all your secrets as I drift to sleep Know the stars all envy everything we are The way my hands are beautiful when held in yours The time I fell asleep within your heart It's like a dream But what does it mean? It's reaching for you in the morning And knowing you're not there But if I breathe in deep enough I swear you're everywhere It's the way that heart of yours Always has room for more And I am left breathless (short interlude) Don't drink the Ginger Ale, it's poison I wish that none of us had happened It's evil and dry Like everything you become when you decide to make me cry You could have warned me of the danger up ahead But you wrapped me up in lies to hide the truth instead Now there's nothing but a coward and one more friend And the glass of poison I hold in my hand You're no good reason to care If anything you're everything that ruins me Your no good reasons mean nothing new to me I think I've found exactly what love is It's everything we're not It's everything we're not Mood: cold Music: this song

	2003.12.16  18.09 wtf? ok so Sunday Joey came over. he stayed for like, 7 hours. he ate chicken wings. he impressed my mum. he went to a Christmas play in town w/me. he met a couple of my friends. he kissed me multiple times. he told me he loved me. then yesterday i got a phone call from Joey @ 8:30 and he said he doesn't think we click as more than friends. um...can u say "BS"? w/e. i was quiet for a while. then i said, "just remember...i can take care of myself. it hurts now but i'll move on." to this he replied, "i remember making that note earlier...i'm sorry, mae." and i hung up. today i stayed home from school until 4th hour b/c that's the exam i had to take (Spanish). i made a 112. and i had to tell everyone that Joey broke up w/me b/c if i didn't tell them, they would ask me about him and i would be sad. i had to stay after school and take the "mini-SAT" (which is seriously anything but mini) and i suck in math. but we already knew this, didn't we? the English portion was considerably OK. i'm taking the SAT in March. Region Band auditions r quickly approaching. i really need to practice (when i was going out w/Joey, my goal was to make State Band b/c Joey will definitely make State and i wanted to go to the clinic @ Furman University with him. now i just don't really care). but after i finish this, i'll go practice...Mr. McGuire (our band director) wrote me an e-mail telling me to do so. for once, i'll take his advice. i wrote two songs...or something like it...i'll post them soon. to those of u who offer encouragement -- thanks. to those of u who try to bomb me out -- ha! truly true -- Maegs Mood: crushed Music: anything but the Ataris

	2003.12.12  23.35 Decisions You define perfection. Thanks for sending the text messages to my phone when you knew I was on my way home. And it was nice of you to talk to me while all your guy friends were over. You might think those things don't matter, but they do. You made a decision today. You chose me. I'm choosing to trust. in case u don't really get all that, joey & i are together now. he's the first thing to make sense to me in a long time. existentionalists believe that making any decision -- even if it turns out badly -- is better than making no decision at all. cooper gets weirder by the day, but i love him for it. am i supposed to keep me & joey secret? i dunno. i'm scared to tell ashtray b/c i think she would be upset. i'm scared to tell ryke, too. and i'm very afraid to tell frank. y? i am undecided. i have no clue how ryke will react -- will he laugh & be his normal, giggly self? or will he just say "oh...okay" like he does sometimes to piss me off? and there's no telling what frank will do. he'll probably say "oh well congratulations -- see, there IS something in ur life worth envying!" then behind my back he could say "damn american girl and her joey." hey, u never know. i'm effin tired, i tell u! stayed up til 4 talking to joey, and all day i've been experiencing micro-sleep. *looks around* when did i...? it's really painful knowing that he could call any moment. like now. or at 12. or at 2. but i dunno when. so i dunno when to expect the call. therefore, i cannot wait for a time to come, i only wait for a phone call. not b/c i couldn't call him or b/c he promised he'd call (which he did), but b/c he's hanging out w/his guy friends tonight, and who am i to bother him while he's w/his pals? eventually i'll butt in and ask to watch the football games w/them or something (b/c we all know i dream of being a football star -- literally), but since we just got together, i'll give it time. speaking of a phone call, i just got one. so this will be my exit. note: as much as i hate to admit, Christina's new song "The Voice Within" is inspiring. note: buy more Van Morrison albums. truly true -- Maegs

	2003.12.10  20.17 It was just a kid Sometime after playing Musical Chairs, handing out stockings, helping them unwrap their presents tied with ribbon that's impossible to break, and telling them good-bye, I suddenly felt like a bad person. A bad person for all the times I complained about what I didn't have or what I wanted but didn't need. And they were so grateful for the 3 toys they were opening. My heart doesn't know how to handle that sort of thing. My "Secret Santa" kid was Keyshawn, and I watched him with his brothers, one of whose name is Ja'Darrius, and his little sister, Jessica. All of them were sick with something. All of their noses were running. And All of the Beta Club members were making sure we had tissue. Keyshawn got his football, his football helmet, his football jersey, and a firetruck. A firetruck. Where did that come from? Anyway, I gave him the driving firetruck, and he loved it. Of course, he thought it was from Santa (who was there -- if you count a social studies teacher in a costume as Santa). He played with the toy a little, then Jessica waddled over and took his place. I was leaning on my arm as I sat in the floor with them, playing and laughing, when some random kid walked up to me while watching Jessica play with the firetruck, and sat in my lap. We sat for a while and played with the cool toy (I admit -- I was fascinated), and I was asking him what he wanted for Christmas and all those tradition questions I hate having to answer. I read his nametag. Dy'Quan. He was leaning against me as I held him, and when he breathed, I could feel the vibrations from his body, like he had phlegm or something. He must have been sick, too. His mum walked over. "Dy'Quan, let's go." He shook his head. "I mean it, we gotta go!" He wasn't moving. I got nervous. I tried to encourage him to go with her. He started crying. "Boy, if you don't come on..." She grabbed him by one arm and pulled him up, and I wanted to hit her. He just went limp as he sobbed and she started pulling him away from me. "I'll help you," I offered as I absent-mindedly walked after her. "I have to put on his coat!" she shouted, probably annoyed. I stopped walking. "That's fine, I'll help." And walked after her again. I held my arms out to him and he reached up to me, and for a brief second I felt like someone's savior. He was crying, and I wanted so badly to adopt him. I wanted to adopt all of them. I took him over to see Santa, and that seemed to help. Then I put him down to put on his jacket, and his mum walked up, grabbed him by the hand, and took him away before I even got to say good-bye. I just wanted to tell him Merry Christmas. I didn't move. I just stood there, looking at the door as if he might, by some miracle, break free of his mother and run back to me. But really I knew that wouldn't happen. A friend of mine was holding Ja'Darrius' hand in an effort to lead him to the door while his mother tried to round up her other kids. He was wailing, but not really resisting her lead. I couldn't take it. I picked him up, too. Earlier he had sat out all the games we played and just walked around. He's sick, and I could tell by the look on his face, even though I've never seen him before today to compare. Now here he was, still sobbing but not as loudly, as I quited him gently. His little hiccups really got to me. I took him to see Santa, but he wouldn't let Santa hold him. Santa was disappointed. He stopped crying, but he didn't want me to put him down. He's old enough to talk, but he wouldn't say a word to me, even though I kept asking him open-ended questions. I told him I would walk him out to his car if he wanted me to, and he just nodded. So we put on his coat and headed outside. Everything outside looked an awkward orange color, and I liked it. Someone pointed out half a rainbow, and he didn't really get excited. I put him in his car. I waved. He stared. He didn't wave. My heart isn't immune to these emotions. What the hell am I feeling? I started to walk away. I looked back. He waved. I smiled. I waved. He stared. Kirsten got under my umbrella with me, and we started our walk to my car in the parking lot. "They're so cute!" she started. I nodded in response. "I wish --" "O my God, Maegs! Look at that fucking rainbow, would you!" I looked up slowly, not really caring. Then I saw it in all its beauty -- two complete rainbows. I immediately turned back to Ja'Darrius' car, excited to tell him the rainbow was whole and there were two of them, hoping to see him smile just once before I never saw him again. But his car was pulling away. Of course. When you find something beautiful you want to share with someone else, they're not there for you to share it with them. Of course. His mom was putting on her Burger King work hat. "We have to make a wish!" Kirsten squealed. I turned. "Okay, sure." I grabbed her hand and closed my eyes, ready to wish. "No you can't do that!" I opened my eyes. "What?" "You have to put the umbrella down so you don't block the wishness!" I quickly debated in my head as the rain splashed onto my toes. And I just didn't care. My umbrella fell to the ground, rolling a couple feet but not really going anywhere because it only rolled in circles. She took my hand again. "Wish for me, too, Kiwi," I said. A raindrop hit me dead on the nose as we stood there, eyes closed. Her grip on my hand tightened. We picked up the umbrella to head home, but we didn't walk under it. I'll probably get sick from all of the germs I caught today. It just seems so shit to worry about, though, because it would be so incredibly worth it. I'm not sure it's valid to wish on rainbows, but I wish on everything else, so why not? Today I decided to be a better person. I will be more thoughtful. I won't forget birthdays. I won't call after ten o'clock on a weeknight. I will plan ahead. I will work harder. I won't fail my PreCal exam. I think the oddest part of the day is that while I was with these children, I realized: They cling to me the way I cling to you. Only this hurts me worse. Because not only am I hurting inside for myself, but I'm hurting inside for them, too, because my wish on the rainbow was that they wouldn't hurt anymore. How can one little kid change my outlook on life?

	2003.12.10  20.03 Yesterday's Post 9 December 2003 ok -- pls don't beat me for not upd8ing sooner! those of u who follow the other journals -- u rock! thanks for all of ur e-mails & stuff! i answer them as quickly as i can! i have a band concert tonight. the Christmas concert will suck b/c of the following reasons: *Other people will hear us *Our music is way too easy *Our music is way too easy & it still sounds like shit *The Jazz Band is playing after the Concert Band *I can't play in the Jazz Band b/c our director didn't get me the music in time *And the bari sax is broken so...needless to say, I'm not looking forward to it. however *!* i AM looking forward to seeing one of my best friends ever who is driving into town from York to see the concert (i will be at the York concert on Thursday -- if anyone wants to hitch a ride, lemme know!). anyway, i'm not sure if Ash will be there for sure. A for effort. *bleh* some pooheads in my PreCal class stole 2 of the $100 calculators from the math department, so until they're returned, no one can use any calculators at any time during class - not even on the semester exam. wtf? i will raise hell. they WiLL let me use my calculator. i did not steal the stupid thing, and it's not fair to punish everyone. but life's not fair. that must be what they're trying to teach us in school. or at least that's what i learn everyday. anyway, if they don't let me use my calculator, i will most likely fail he exam, even though i will try damn hard to make a perfect score just to piss them off. cos they'd hate that if i suceeded. everyone in this whole town wants to see everyone else fail just to make themselves feel better. i'm sure the rest of the world is like that, too, for the most part. and that's sort of disappointing. it'll make me depressed if i think about it too long. so i think about blue cheese instead. do u know how long it's been since i've had blue cheese?... i got a call from my dad a little past midnight this morning/last night (w/e). my cousin Luke (who is 8) had to be taken to the emergency room b/c he couldn't stop throwing up. he kept complaining of a stomach ache (and Luke has a very high threshold for pain, and i've never heard him complain of physical problems...and i was with him when he was bitten by a dog). so we know it's pretty serious, but no one knows wtf is wrong w/him yet. i should find out something tonight. i'm pretty shot up about it b/c i can't go visit him (two hours away). they probably wouldn't let me see him, anyway. i got a post letter from Nanner today *waits for everyone to rejoice* in case u didn't get the notice, her 17th birthday was yesterday. just a year and a half left before she and i start hittin' the clubs...but not drinking. ;-) i'm reading this very awesome book called The Parker Grey Show by um...i dunno who it's by, i'll get back to u on that. great read, though. and what's currently in my CD player is Brand New. check them out or u suck. :P the best site in the whole world is probably www.scbandfan.org if ur in a school band in SC and ur NOT registered there, wtf have u been doing since marching season? lol my s/n on there is Drum_Major_Vibes in case u ever get on there, read posts, and wonder who the f_ck that is. i've got loads'a friends on there who r mega-fun, so wtf r u waiting on? my new favorite phrases r as follows: wtf? wtf's wrong w/u? wtf r u doing? wtf is the answer to number 31? wtf am i doing? wtf! as u can see, there is a pattern sometimes when i'm sitting in class and i'm working on an assignment and i can't think of the answer, i look up to the top of the page and write my name on there. if it's already up there, of course, i don't do that. but any other time, i do this in an effort to promote the beginning of a train of thought. try it sometime. we won't laugh. i should probably go work on AP US History now. if i were a good student, i would do that. but i am not. so i'm still sitting here. i've begun to realize that ppl suck. except my best friends, who rule. and there's this one guy -- yes, ONE guy. not two, not 5. one -- who totally captured my heart from the first time i ever spoke to him. he pretty much was like instant best friend mix (the kind u stir in with life and suddenly fall in love with), and i know i love him more than everything. and u know what really sucks? he doesn't return those feelings. or he can't. he probably never will. note: never be afraid of change. well, i'm gonna update some other things now. feel free to e-mail me, even if it's hate-mail. (but if u send me hate-mail, just know that i will respond w/"wtf?") truly true -- Maegs note: take a plunge. HAPPY BiRTHDAY NANNER! LOVE YOU! Maeshley & Ashgan: Th3 ®3©LiNiNg GoLdFi$h $hO®T Bu$ P0$$3 - "We read Trouble Clef."