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[08 Nov 2009|06:15pm] |
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To Kingdom Come - Passion Pit |
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My teeth feel grainy from the oversized coffee I just consumed. I've altered my highs and lows today. beer. weed. beer. coffee. I feel overloaded. I feel like I want to bust free of something. I want to jump on the trampoline thats been sitting in my back yard abandoned for so long I forgot I had it. It's warm outside and I never took advantage of it once today. I hope it fades into the night.
I want genuine, innocent fun. laughs like I had Saturday morning in bed with Annie and Dorl. I want them with someone I don't think I'll have them with. I want something I shouldn't want and won't get. what a conundrum. I'm grabbing my Ipod and going jumping while the warmth is still around.
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[08 Nov 2009|12:46am] |
Something has changed within me; something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game
Too late for second guessing; too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...and leap...
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[05 Nov 2009|05:45pm] |
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Hey hair, when and why did you decide to turn red on me? I don't get it.
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[04 Nov 2009|02:06pm] |
I found the next book I'm going to read. "Looking for Alaska" by John Green. I quoted it in a Tumblr a few months back and have just now decided to look it up.
"Have you really read all those books in your room?"
She laughed. "Oh God no. I've maybe read a third of 'em. But I'm going to read them all. I call it my Life's Library. Every summer since I was little, I've gone to garage sales and bought all the books that looked interesting. So I always have something to read. But there is so much to do: cigarettes to smoke, sex to have, swings to swing on. I'll have more time for reading when I'm old and boring."
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[02 Nov 2009|07:50pm] |
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Skinny Love - Bon Iver |
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I feel like it's appropriate to write this entry separate. I went to a viewing today for Marilyn, Big Daves mother. I was never super close to her but she was always at family functions. She was sweet and she hated Linda which gave us at least one thing in common haha. But she passed away a few days ago at age 69. Too young. I don't know if she wanted to die. But I think somewhere in her she lost a fight.
She essentially became anorexic. She stopped eating. She drank half a cup of coffee a day and smoked cigarettes until she withered down to 85 pounds. Anyone who passes away at that weight when they are capable of eating has an eating disorder. I think we fail to see that these things don't adhere to a certain class or group.
I don't feel comfortable writing her story in here. It's not my place, being so distant and all. But it just broke me today listening to her decline. Listening to how she lived her last few months, in a dark apartment with nothing but coffee and cigarettes. Sometimes people give up. She felt alone from the loss of her second husband. I guess she just wanted to be with him so bad she allowed these things to happen to her. I don't know. But it kills me that as they said she was dying and could no longer reciprocate or speak, she could cry. Dave said that when she lost all her communication skills in the last hour he was talking to her and Kari mentioned a cartoon they used to watch together all the time and tears started falling down her face. It's crazy how we think people can't hear us when they really can. It kind of gives you some sort of closure to know your words are making it through.
I don't know. All of this today has been weighing on me. I think I need to meditate or something. I need to get out of my head before I wear down from it all.
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[02 Nov 2009|07:43pm] |
Dear lab partner, thank you for rocking so much. We just busted our lab out in 2 hours - I am SO happy. It is awesome to find my match in school. I always, always feel inferior to any person I'm paired up with because I have such little confidence in my intelligence but its not that way with Rich. Maybe because I'm applying myself to this class and feel good about it? But we just sat here and worked that lab out like we had been doing it our entire lives. He did the text while I put together the excel spreadsheet and looked up 30 diff make, models, and years of cars. Go us! I see a final class grade of a B on the horizon :) I've GOT to keep this up! I have to get a 100 on my homework assignment that is due Thursday.
I have a bit of time now to clean before MNF over at Chris and Jasons. I found myself on a panicking, emotional trip this afternoon and went to call Chris. I immediately regretted it and immediately said never mind. I do not want to invest my emotions in him. I want all the control in my life I can hold on to and crying to him for the first time about my "life problems" is not going to benefit anything. So I sucked it up like a big girl and told him to forget it and I'd see him later.
I have Kingston curled up next to me on the chair. He does not seem okay. He was fine all day but started moaning this horrific sound an hour ago and I questioned taking him to the vet. I decided, however, he simply had a stomach ache because I fed him wet food for the first time in his life. There's no way this dehydration is catching up to him now. I hope he's okay.
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[02 Nov 2009|12:50pm] |
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Blindsided - Bon Iver |
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I feel like I need to re-evaluate my life at the moment. Maybe because I'm heading out to a funeral in the next hour. Maybe because I'm sitting here forcing myself to eat wondering what is wrong with my body that I've had no appetite for weeks now. I don't really know.
I had this conversation with Chrissy the other day that almost brought me to tears. I keep seeing this pattern of suppressed emotions. I was telling her how I found my senior letters and they just pulled me back to where I wanted to be. I used to be so passionate. Now I keep everything in my life so casual. Because thats how I think people want me to be. I'm always going to be appeasing people. Inside my mind I'm constantly fighting off surges of emotion. I find the only time these feelings escape is when I find myself longingly looking at people. I've become so detached. I suck with words.
How do you get relationships so right? How did I get so twisted into this fear of honesty? I mean even the words "I like you" are impossible for me to get out when I want to. And I look at Christina and Ben and how they've grown and how she's grown as an individual because of it. It's incredible how the right person can make somebody blossom into such a beautiful person. Chrissy's always had a gold heart, but something about how she can just talk about her and Ben with such confidence and joy. It's promising.
I'm handling my life appropriately right now. That's a complicated statement to make, I know. But I'm trying to balance my heart and my head in every life choice right now. With the exception of Halloween I suppose I'm not failing too badly. I just need to lay off the drinking a little haha.
I don't have enough hours in the day. This week is especially seeming to be that way. I have a lot of work and I suppose thats where I should keep my focus. I think my current struggle is to keep building the relations in my life... I feel like my ties with every single person are at a standstill... and some even deteriorating with my inability to put effort into them. I don't want to see this happen. I mean, where has Dorl been? I don't mean to be the bad friend I have been to some people.
Anyway - I'm going to go clean and arrange my life. I am happy to have Kingston home. I can't believe he was locked in my garage for two days. I was thinking about taking him to the vet but he's not even phased. I gave him water and food and he ate and drank a lot. More than anything he just wanted to go outside and play. As nervous as I was, his wining would not give after an hour so he's outside now with water bowls all around the house. I'm petrified he'll get dehydrated.
Gooooodbyeee.
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[29 Oct 2009|08:40pm] |
Just when one animal finally dies another comes into the picture. That's right. Janet saw her last day today. or maybe yesterday. I honestly have no idea. I saw her sitting in this upright position yesterday and thought "huh, janet might be dying" and then I saw her in the same up right position today and realized "huh, janet is dead". For some reason she isn't floating though. Yes, I still haven't disposed of her. Mostly because I find flushing terrible. That and in place of Janet I am now house sitting my mothers cat and I really don't feel like getting bombarded by cats at the moment.
I'm drinking coffee right now. Yes, yes I know big fail for me - there goes my whole 6-step plan out the window but, well, fuck it. I'll just eat lots of those nasty cranberries tomorrow and drink water and eat fiber. Bravo me. I just cannot stay awake a second longer if I don't get some damn caffeine in my body. Though I'm not sure it's caffeine thats the problem. I am at a loss for appetite. This doesn't happen to me.
Yes, I devoured my double cheeseburger last night at D&B but it was only because I ate nothing for about 6-7 hours prior to that (other than a nutri grain bar I stole from Steves before leaving bc I thought I was going to pass out). But besides the burger I never even touched the delicious garlic mashed potatos smothered in cheese. In fact, I wasn't even happy with the burger. I was craving more of the pickles I ate and I realized all I want to eat now are vegetables and vegetables are not what I eat on a regular basis, therefor they are not providing me with enough energy and I am getting sleepy.
Seriously - I went to McDonalds today. Do you know what I go? A southwest salad. I ate it without dressing and avoided the cheese. Essentially I ate the lettuce and like one of the chicken strips. I DON'T KNOW WHY! Hahaha I'm genuinely concerned with my state of being. Something is not right at the moment. I need to eat more!
Anyway. I'm listening to Augustana right now. I tried listening to Copeland but all that did was make me want to listen to Augustana because I find them much better. Augustana will always be at the top of my list. I swear if Jimmy Buffett hadn't stolen my upbringing Augustana would still be in the winning for my favorite band. I mean does Jimmy Buffett even count as my favorite artist? I feel like he's more of my lifestyle than my favorite band. Thus, Augustana is still my favorite band.
I wonder what my top 5 favorite bands are. I guess it comes down to Augustana, Jimmy Buffett, Dave Matthews Band, Third Eye Blind, Matt Nathanson... wait! I just did it! I mean of course the Counting Crows, The Eagles, and Jacks Mannequin will always be circling around there somewhere - but those are probablyyy my top picks.
I don't know why I'm writing about this. I'm just too distracted and mentally worn out from obligations to take my midterm. I've now looked at all of the questions thoroughly and realized I can answer all of the questions. Other than taking a bit of time because they'll require some length responses, it's going to be easy. To top this off, I got my shift covered tomorrow! THE WHOLE THING! I was not expecting this in the least bit. Now if I could only get off Sunday for the game.
Also, before I wrap up this mindless rambling of an entry I should mention one more stupid awesome thing. Today I found a box of 2,500 jello shot container with matching lids for 18$ I know - not a big deal right? Wrong! It is a massively awesome jackpot when I spend 16$ on 40 containers and lids from Party City every single time I make jello shots (which is a lot!). Hence, I have eliminated this cost for the next like 10 years of my life. Well, realistically speaking probably only three months. But 2,500 jello shots is a fuck load of jello shots.
Ok last thing. Last night was one of the most genuinely fun times of my life. I know, that sounds so cliche among all the other entertaining things I do on a weekly basis. But honestly, I haven't laughed that hard and been so happy in awhile. I felt like a kid again and it was absolutely awesome. On top of all this I got to shoot up some zombies which probably curbed my irrational zombie fear for the next week. Dave & Busters definitely needs to occur more frequently in my schedule.
Toodles!
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| The Format, Dog Problems |
[27 Oct 2009|11:22pm] |
Don't you dare speak for someone you don't know
They'll feel it in the back of their throat
We know I can't construct a poem
'Cause words like [boys] get bored and run
C'est la vie
I say "I've got so many better things" ...I've got nothing.
You should see me: I smoke myself to sleep.
And so I walk the web in search of love
But always seem to end up stuck
I'm finding flaws in everyone.
I've reached the point where all I want
Is to sleep around in hopes that I will catch back up
We are parallel lines, we're running in circles
We're never meant to cross
I'm at a loss.
You were my tangerine, my pussycat, my trampoline
Now all's I get are wincing cheeks and dog problems
I signed a lease
Thinking my heart belonged at 93rd and Park.
Can you hear me? Are you listening?
This is the sound of my heart breaking.
And I hope it's entertaining
'Cause for me, it's a bitch.
Was it worth it when you slept with [her]?
Did you get it all out of your system?
I never finish phrases I misspell
An open arm's a prison cell
When I said "I hate what I've become"
I lied -- I hated who I was.
So when you start to wonder about the pain in my throat
The don't you ever, no never ever
Speak for someone
You
Don't
Know
- The Format, "Dog Problems", from the album Dog Problems
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