Seth's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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[04 Jul 2009|05:02pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I love my wife ;)

10 comments|post comment

[26 May 2009|08:46pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I hate my dissertation.

I love my baby mama.


6 comments|post comment

[17 May 2009|08:13am]
11 comments|post comment

Warning: rant in progress [21 Apr 2009|09:09pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

It seems that the closer I get to potentially graduating, the more mentally unstable I get. Some days I’d swear graduate school is nothing but an exercise in torture. Some days it feels like a bottomless pit, a deep, dark abyss that strips you of ever last ounce of hope, passion, and happiness. On those days, I’m pretty sure I’ve successfully surpassed my teen years of melodrama.

Most of this stems from being torn apart during a lab meeting last week. My boss invited one of my committee members to sit in, and the guy rode me the ENTIRE time. It was a constant barrage of ripping my project apart, piece by piece. I’ve adjusted to having this done during committee meetings. I’m actually okay, on most days, that I’ll always feel like a complete and utterly useless moron whenever I’m in front of my committee. It’ll always feel like being placed in front of a firing squad, sans the blindfold. But I’m okay with that. It doesn’t make my heart race. It doesn’t rattle me. And it doesn’t even make me doubt my intelligence… at least not too much. But having it done during a lab meeting, with the ENTIRE lab present, wasn’t something I was expecting. At least when I get ass raped during a committee meeting it’s in private. And I know I bring a lot of this on myself. I know that I reek of confidence when I give an oral presentation. It’s not something I can control. I sure as fuck don’t feel confident. Ever. But for whatever reason, I seem to hide that well. And that just seems to put a huge target on my back.

So I got ripped fifty ways ‘til next Tuesday. Again, this normally wouldn’t bother me that much, but I went into the meeting feeling like I was so close to being able to graduate. I felt like I’d done more than enough already. Spending the next two hours defending my project, listening to my project be ripped apart, and being told the thousand and one other things I need to do was just… disheartening. In that moment I completely understood why some people would opt to drop out despite being SO CLOSE to graduation. It just gets to the point of being unhealthy. Now I’m pretty sure I’m not at the point yet. I’m frustrated and disgusted, but I also have a mentor who is one of my biggest fans. It may have taken him four years to compliment me to my face, but he’s never deserted me when I needed him. And that will count for a lot when I go up against my committee next month hoping to get permission to start writing. I’m just hoping that, between the two of us, it’ll be enough.

And I’m not even certain where this sudden need to graduate came from. I’ve never been that guy, the one who was planning graduation from the word go. I never lusted after graduating in only a few years like most everyone does (though no one ever achieves). I’ve always thought that you can only grow and learn so much in a finite amount of time. Cutting that time short by cramming it into only a few years would be cheating myself. I always had the attitude that it’ll happen when it happens. I’m still unsure as to why, but that attitude changed drastically last month. All of a sudden graduating is all I can think about. It’s beyond something I want. It’s something I NEED.

It makes absolutely no sense. I already have a job waiting for me when I graduate. It’s not about the pay increase I’ll get once I’m a post-doc. I’m living comfortably on what I’m currently paid despite it being only a step above poverty wages. I’ve never really cared about the title, though it will be nice to have SOMETHING to show for five years of effort. But it’s not like I’ll look the part anytime soon. I still get mistaken for a college frat boy on a regular basis.

Yet, I still NEED for this to be finished. Even if it changes absolutely nothing.

I just don’t get it.

7 comments|post comment

[20 Apr 2009|06:42pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Happy Birthday to my beautiful bride-to-be ;)

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Note to self... [18 Apr 2009|07:29pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

It isn't smart to attempt to eat your weight in jelly beans.

No matter how good they taste initially, you will inevitably feel like you're going to blow jelly belly flavored chunks.

Quit. Eating. The. Damn. Jelly. Beans.

Seriously, stupid. This makes twice in one day.

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[13 Feb 2009|07:57pm]
[ mood | sore ]

For the record, I hate Valentine's Day.

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Duuuuuude... [10 Dec 2008|07:17am]
Rough night like whoa. Between getting some really unsettling (yet somewhat good) news, my computer deciding to wake me up at midnight after completing a windows update, and several really obnoxious thunder storms in the wee hours of the morning... I slept maybe a grand total of three hours.

I feel so severely hung over.
4 comments|post comment

[31 Oct 2008|07:30am]
I need a costume idea. Fast.

9 comments|post comment

[30 Oct 2008|07:48am]
It's less than a week until the election. Scary thought.

Especially if Sarah Palin is on the winning ticket.

I'd like to think that, as a nation, we've learned out lesson about electing charismatic idiots into power. For two terms. But I know better. Half my family would probably vote Bush again, if given the choice. How I ever managed to become a hardcore liberal in an extended family (on both sides) of xenophobic, homophobic, religious conservatives is beyond me. Thankfully, both of my parents are closet liberals.

Shit, I'm late for work. Oops.
1 comment|post comment

[26 Feb 2008|07:04am]
Being woken up at 3:30 AM to the screeching sound of the tornado siren really, really sucked. Especially since I had been blissfully sleeping through it until then, an amazing feat since I'm usually an incredibly light sleeper. Then the stupid thunder kept me awake until nearly 5:00 AM. I'm seriously questioning why I'm awake right now...
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I was in a funny mood last night. [07 Oct 2007|10:57am]
I wasn’t sad, depressed, angry, or anything like that. I think nostalgic might be the best description. Contemplative mixed in with a bit of self-analysis. That’s one thing that I love about having this journal. With a simple click of the mouse I can go back through the past four years of my life. I’ve made the majority of those entries private instead of deleting them outright. On nights like last night, I’m glad.

With no time for anything other than work lately, I haven’t had a chance to decompress. Honestly, my brain was just full. But even before that, it’s been a while since I’ve actually wrote without restraint. I miss that. Without being able to chuck out the random crap that makes its way into my head, things just build and add to the clutter. It just builds and builds, until I hit that breaking point and it all comes out in a massive, incoherent, jumbled up mess of words.

But, at the end of the day, my head was clear. I purged a lot of random crap from my head and got stuff off my chest. So, all in all, a good night.
8 comments|post comment

Time to purge. [06 Oct 2007|11:42pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I get lost inside my own head... )

17 comments|post comment

Closing in... [19 Sep 2007|08:22pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Stressed doesn't even BEGIN to cover how I'm feeling right now. Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK.

11 comments|post comment

Ouch! [28 Jun 2007|07:12am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Plantar Fasciitis is just a nice way of saying my foot really fucking hurts.

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[18 Apr 2007|10:03pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

How 'bout them Braves?

That was a pretty wicked game to watch.

3 comments|post comment

Friends Cut. [27 Sep 2006|09:31pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Friends Cut.

Mainly just people who have dropped off the edge of the Earth.
Yell if you're still alive & I'll re-add you.

52 comments|post comment

So much for the 4th... [04 Jul 2006|11:22pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Back home with a splitting sinus headache.
Sometimes it sucks being a nerd who is allergic to damn near everything.

19 comments|post comment

Making It Official... [22 Apr 2006|10:06am]
[ mood | mellow ]

Image hosting by Photobucket

And credit to yodelayhayhoo for the banner.
38 comments|post comment

[08 Mar 2006|11:02pm]
some days i seriously feel like damaged goods...

and if i would ever allow myself to feel what i'm feeling when i'm feeling it, everyone else would know it too.

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