Rourke's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Rourke

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big nothing [28 Nov 2005|12:55pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | Deer Tick ]

so my teacher wants us to start a blog. i spent the entire class looking at my old blogs. i haven't changed at all. still in fruitless love with the same boy. still not sure where i stand with jason. still not sure which direction to go in. still fucking up my life. there's a little more at stake now. college. money. work. housing. boys. all the same troubles. still no answers. still no end in sight. "things could be so much worse." i wish i was as talented as john. "it's gonna be a long time, til i understand what is mine." too much coffee. when i'm hyper, people get annoyed, when i'm quiet, they ask me what's wrong. the pain is there all the time, sometimes i can ignore it more, though. quiet doesn't mean unhappy. i disguise the pain with hyperactivity. it doesn't change anything. writing helps. maybe i should be a lit major. they're weird and a little creepy, and have the edge of hysteria in their eyes. aka, me. so, tuesday. what's gonna happen. bunking? what does that even mean. i've got pattern drafting homework to do. i just wanna sit here and listen to deer tick and write about nothing. sharp intake of breath, sigh. it's a sharp intake of breath, and a wailing sigh that only mother's can hear. only they know the pain of losing a life so dear. after it's gone, kill everything else inside. pretend it's suicide. pretend you're sleeptalking when you say you love me. i know i'm only sleepwalking when i walk out on you. this isn't the last time i'll make do.

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flaming moth [16 Nov 2005|08:32pm]
[ mood | futile ]
[ music | Deer Tick ]

I don't change. I can't change. I don't know how to fix this. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be writing this in case they come in. I miss being alone. I'm still lonely. At least when I was alone it made more sense. Politeness mistaken for affection. Maybe it was affection. Pitiful affection. Merciful. He knows he is a knife just under my heart. I can feel the flat side of the blade with every palpitation. A kiss to turn the knife every so slightly. I can just feel the edge now. But that feeling's fading too quickly. A brush and it was gone. He knows, and he cares, but he's not going to do anything about it. He can't. He can't change the way he feels about me. He's sad for my love. Not love, devotion. Intense longing. Sighing. Measuring the time between sightings. Thinking how silly I must sound. More sad than silly, for I am in earnest. Don't think. Even this awkward pain makes me a bit euphoric. I don't want to do my work. I just want to wait around til he comes around. Try not to hurt.
Unrequited love. Self love. Selfish love. The voice of the wounded is keening. White noise underneath it all. Be cool. Act like you don't care. Wish you were dead. "Agony is a sound." Too many things to think about. But it all comes back to him. I don't get so I don't want. Go over the conversations again. Especially the farewells. Always the farewells. Remembering, touching. Smiling at nothing. So many bad songs to be written. Tell yourself he's only being nice. Can't stop hoping no matter how hard I try. He's hoping I'll forget, or just go away. I'm creepy. It could be worse. I think I'm making it worse. Stop it.

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I'll be Cain... [28 Jul 2005|03:01pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Pinkerton ]

I've been thinking about my brother lately. I remember how he used to take me to Sound Garden and Buzzo's and buy me a couple cds. And how he used to take me cruisin' and turned back roads into roller coasters. One time he bought me a pair of $75 pants. When we try to get along it seems so awkward. Our jokes are fumbling, cuz we don't really get the other's sense of humor. We don't really know each other any more. I'm not sure if we ever really did. With Becky and me it was easier. As soon as we didn't have to share a room we started getting along famously. He's been emailing me lately. Stupid stuff about his job and car and Leda. He's moving to NC soon. I'm more concerned about the dog being so far away than him. I guess we're just not a part of each others' lives. Maybe never were. But when I think about all the times he was nice to me, or tried to be nice, I guess he's not the villain I make him out to be. Sure he's an asshole, but so am I. Guess it runs in the family.

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under the A train [01 Feb 2005|07:48am]
bad night. bad bad night. i decided to go up to brooklyn to see my friend kevin huelbig and kimya dawson play at pete's candy store. the night didn't start off too bad. i saw a couple rats playing on the subway tracks. they were adorable. i want one. then i got a little lost finding the place, but that's pretty typical of me. when i got there, i just had a cup of tea and read The Bush Survival Bible (a good read, by the way) before the show. whoever the first duo was, they sucked. the second guy, Jason Anderson, he was pretty good. Kevin never showed, i guess something happened. he's not really My friend anyway. he's a friend of a friend. still, it would've been nice to see a friendly face there. the music room there is about the size and shape of a subway car, it's definitely built to look like one, except nicer. but this room could not accomodate the volume of people that showed up. i was cramped in the back the whole time. this stupid lesbian couple kept making obnoxious smacking noises when they kissed, and after they left, a stupid straight couple started doing the same. so many annoying hipsters there. i talked to a couple interesting people though, Steve and Mike. i think mike kinda liked me. he said i had nice hands, and he didn't look happy when i mentioned i had a boyfriend. well, after having had enough of being trampled, i went out to the little hallway that leads into the music room, and that's where i had my nice little chat w/ mike. i should've just left. but i waited until kimya's set was over, gave her my man's cd, got a hug, and headed of toward the nearest L stop. but, to my dismay, it was closed, so i had to walk roughly 10 blocks to the next nearest one that i knew of. some guy passed and beeped at me, then he swung back around and beeped again, and slowed down and stared at me. thats when things got really bad. i hurried off and didnt see him again, but i had to walk a couple blocks along this park, and the building on the other side looked deserted. if that guy had come back then, i probably wouldn't be typing this now. i think that's the only time i've ever been truly afraid for my life. then i finally got to a populated street, found the station, paid, went in, and realized i'd lost a glove. i love those gloves too. i thought about going back to look for it, but i just wanted to get home so badly, so i left it. then when i finally got to penn station, i had missed the last train, and had to wait until 5:41 for the next bay head train. they had closed off the njtransit area, i guess for cleaning. and there was all this police tape, so that it created a path. and the cops kept herding the crazies around, trying to get them to leave, but all they did was walk back and forth. let them sleep for gods sake, at least then they're not asking you for money or saying you have a nice ass. i've been in penn station late at night many times, but i've never seen it that bad. i stayed in the lirr waiting room until they closed it for cleaning, then i stayed in a restaurant until i finished my book, until the njtransit waiting area finally opened again. i just didn't want to brave the corridor. it was like walking among zombies, which is one of my greatest personal fears. as long as you don't make eye contact, keep moving, and don't engage, you'll be okay. so i finally get home, and my boyfriend yells at me about not calling (guess i should've). apparently he was gonna call the cops. i just want to be able to stay out as late as i want w/o having to explain myself, but when you live w/ someone, that's not really an option. maybe i should go somewhere isolated and be a recluse.
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i'm falling apart at the holes [22 Dec 2004|05:40am]
[ mood | worried ]
[ music | the humidifier ]

i'm worried about my teeth. and my ears. and my eyes. i had a constant headache for the past 3 days. it may just be stress. i took a bath the other day and i put my head under water, and my ears got all water logged. they were okay at first, but when i went to sleep on my side i think the pressure made my left ear clog up. they've both been hurting and i'm afraid i might have an ear infection. last time i had an ear infection i spent 2 days on the couch in agony, trying not to think about the pain, but you can't ignore it when its RIGHT THERE. and my teeth have been crap since i got sick a couple months ago. theyre more yellow, possibly also from smoking, and there's tartar build-up, and sometimes they hurt, and i'm scared that i might have gum disease. there's no cure, and you could lose teeth. i'm already unattractive enough. plus the expense. and i think i need a new prescription for my glasses. but i have no insurance. my throat's been hurting on and off too. maybe cuz my vitamin got stuck. why don't i take better care of myself. i'm such an idiot. i think i might be autistic, or dyslexic. or maybe just stupid. thinking back, i was never good at anything, and i've had so many "duh" moments, maybe i'm retarded. i'm know i'm being overly paranoid (is there any such thing as the right amount of paranoid?), but what if there's really something wrong w/ me. what if i'm bipolar. incurable things scare me. i don't wanna be ugly and stupid for the rest of my life. i don't want something so obviously wrong w/ me. something i can't change. permanent is a scary word. and if there is anything wrong w/ me, it's probably all my fault. whew. ok, i feel better now.

What's the difference between true love and herpes?









Herpes lasts forever.

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What color are shadows anyway? [08 Dec 2004|06:37am]
[ mood | super okay! ]
[ music | Kimya ]

I saw Kimya Dawson at the Knitting Factory last night. She really is an amazing performer, so warm, and charismatic. She makes me think that maybe I can make a difference in this godforsaken time (is godforsaken hyphenated?). There were a lot of kids at the show, and I do mean kids, but it just created this really great family picnic (although not with anyone's real family) atmosphere. A lot of people just plunked down on the floor, myself included. At one point Kimya invited one of her friends to lie down on the stage and cuddle with Chucky (whom I'm not supposed to call a doll, but I don't know what else to call him).
It's kind of weird going to shows now. Maybe b/c I have a (wonderful) boyfriend, and no longer need to throw myself at unworthy rocker boys. I guess that shows how shallow I am that I wasn't there just for the music. But really the music was actually the main thrill for me. Looking at pretty boys was just a bonus. I'm just so fed up w/ that whole "scene" now. All these people who are considered cool b/c they act so disaffected, and jaded, and apathetic, and like everyone is beneath them. Kimya is just so refreshing b/c she actually cares about things, and isn't afraid to vocalize it. Well, I could rave on and on about how super okay! Kimya is, but I digress.

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Stewart Howard [27 Sep 2004|01:34pm]
[ mood | down ]
[ music | Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights ]

I named the ghost that lives in the back room at work Stewart Howard.

I imed a boy in a band that I've known for almost 4 years now, and he didn't respond. It didn't surprise me. He rarely does. None of the boys in bands I know well enough to have a screen name for have much interest in talking to me. I know they're busy, and it's not like I'm their real friend. They talk to me when they want me to come to shows. They know they're too good for me. Some people might call this selfish, but what isn't. Every act in this world is selfish, and I have no desire to change this. It's what the world is based on.

I don't really have a problem with any of this. What I am concerned about is the way I react. I get attached. I think that I have some sort of comradery with them, but I'm only someone they can use to promote themselves. "I know you've supported me for a long time, but somehow I'm not impressed/ New York kids." They feel they deserve my adulation. They think that I'm using them to make myself look cool. I suppose I am. I suppose I deserve this apathy for putting such unworthy people on such high pedastals. It's so easy for them to fall. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, I just want to be a part of something. But they're all just kids like me. It's no different than high school, except I don't have to see any of these people again if I don't want to. I could just walk away from what's making me unhappy. Some things do make me happy though. Sometimes I do meet someone nice, even if I never see them again, it was nice for a minute. My train of thought is ruined now.

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dumb questions [24 Aug 2004|04:10pm]
CWINDOWSDesktopsay-anything.jpg
Say Anything...


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla


nerdslut
Nerdslut


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
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sighing gets you no where [23 Aug 2004|06:19pm]
[ mood | disturbed ]
[ music | Jesus and Mary Chain, surprise surprise ]

I could keep running through the reasons again and again in my head. I could prove myself right a thousand times over, but that still wouldn't change anyone else's mind. I get so upset when I read about Pro-Life activists. They should be called Anti-Choice because that's what they really are. I could state all the reasons why I think they're wrong, and I'm right, but I would just work myself into a frantic state. There's really nothing I could say that hasn't been said, and been said better already. I just wish these close-minded people would realize the error of their ways, and come to their senses. I would sleep better at night.

Rachael's coming over for band practice w/ my man today. It'll be the first time I've seen her since she didn't come pick me up. I really overreacted to that whole thing. It was a bloody concert for god's sake. Jason just got home. He didn't pick up the pictures from the photo place. His mom gave me 20 dollars to use at my discretion, and I gave it to him to pay for the pictures and keep the rest for himself. Now he's saying something about waiting until his next paycheck because money's tight. Sometimes I really want to hit him. He's bugging me to use the computer now. It is his computer, as he reminds me too often and too pointedly. But beggars can't be choosers.

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Archway Adrien [23 Aug 2004|12:58am]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | Jesus and Mary Chain ]

I feel marvelous (imagine Billy Crystal voice)(hope I spelt his name right). I've decided that ending sentences in prepositions is my new favorite pet peeve. Well, with the exception of Dickon because he's my Queero (queer hero). I've been reading his much superior journal (again), and listening to my new Creation darlings, and I feel quite good. I'm optimistic without having any valid reason. I applied for a dismal job at a department store today. Someone asked me if I worked there while I was applying, so I guess I looked pretty dismal. I really loathe occupations. I wish I lived in Britland so I could go on the dole, and focus on being passively creative. Mm, such is my lot in this life. My mom seems open-minded compared to someone. It was completely unexpected, and disconcerting. My significant other wants to partake of sleep now, so I shall digress.

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life sucks [14 Aug 2004|04:57pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | watching lost in translation, which has excellent music ]

well, i was going to go to the underground garage thing on randalls island, but Rachael never came to pick me up. i suppose its really my fault. she left me a message last night saying that if i was going to call her, i should do it after 1pm. i figured the "if" meant i didnt need to unless something came up. somehow she took me not calling as meaning that i didnt want to go anymore. i dont know why. i wouldve called if i couldnt. i'm thinking about not moving in w/ her out of spite. she said there was no point if i didnt have a fake id, but thats crap, cuz i can and have had fun w/o a fake id for quite awhile now. i was thinking about running back home, but then i'd just be facing all the problems i left back there. i'd have to start all over again looking for a car and a job. it wouldnt be any easier, and my mom would make me miserable w/in a month. and i cant leave my man. i've been mad at him all the time lately, and i cant figure out why. maybe we've just been spending too much time together. i need to get my own place. i wish i could sever all ties and just be a hermit in the city. i know i'd miss my significant other way too much for that to work for long tho. and my family would go nuts. i wish i could disappear for just a little while though.

i've been watching lost in translation almost constantly for the past couple days. i'm definately adding it to the list of movies i can watch every day. the only other movie on that list is harold and maud. i guess i just really like movies about quarter life crises. i should get the soundtrack to this movie. rachael said that she didnt like this movie cuz it was about being bored and calling it art. she's wrong though. why is tv the only good thing in my life.

i just cut my hair. i only cut off a little piece of my bangs though. it looks better now i guess. it always seems like when i'm stagnating that i do something drastic w/ my hair. this wasnt too drastic though.

i really have nothing to complain about. my boyfriend is supporting me, his mom buys me clothes and food. he buys me cds and other little things all the time. he puts up w/ my childishness on an hourly basis. he never really has any time to himself. i just need to get out.

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dead monsters [07 Aug 2004|11:09pm]
[ mood | restless ]
[ music | mix tape made by my significant other ]

i'm finally better. i cant function when i'm sick. i think i'm going through my quarter life crisis. i think i've been going through it since i was 16. i finally tired of pizza, now i'm going to go through a dorito phase, i can feel it. my friends want me to move in w/ them. i know all i've wanted was to move to nyc and go to shows, but i dont know if its going to make me happy anymore. i've become a sloth. tv is so addictive. i've finally turned it off. i think they put crack in it. sometimes i run across weird stuff, and it all the hours i've been flipping seem almost worth it. almost. R! and my significant other played a show in the city. i'm so sick of R!'s "friends," and that whole "hipster" thing. everyone's so obsessed w/ being cool and arty that theres no real art in them. i know i used to want to be like that, but now i just want to be smart. i want to separate myself from them. even though they would never really let me in. i'm not cool and i never will be. i proved that to myself when i was trying to help R! promote the show by offering ppl hives stickers. she told me to stop. i guess i'm just a happy puppy. and happy puppies arent cool. not that being cool is all that its cracked up to be. i probly shouldnt be that concerned w/ all of this, but i guess the worst thing is that R! doesnt realize what a good friend i am. i made a 3 hour trip for her first show. 2 of her Cool friends showed up at their last show, and they didnt seem happy to be there. i wonder if these people are even good people. apathy is cool, but i care, i care a lot.

"why do i spend time w/ ppl i'd much rather kick in the eye" - smiths

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flip book photography [28 May 2004|04:47pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | franz ferdinand - take me out ]

i hate my job i hate my life i just spent 10 minutes looking for the franz ferdinand song that i'm listening to cuz it was already stuck in my head but it almost seems like lying if i put it as the "current music" even though when you think about it everything we hear is in our heads man that almost sounds smart there was a mob hit on the lirr and i thought what an inconvenient death cuz it made me late for a witnesses show but luckily i made it though i was running around brooklyn for about 20 minutes trying to find this place and i wasnt very social so it wasnt as much fun as shows usually are i guess i'm just shy and anti-punctuation

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jerk me around [14 May 2004|10:26pm]
[ mood | ha! ]
[ music | modest mouse - float on ]

i'm in an inexplicably good mood. i couldnt get that modest mouse song out of my head, so i'm listening to it on aol. they have some interesting stuff. i had forgotten about that cornershop song until i saw it on there. i've been saying and doing dumb things lately. i went to see mooney suzuki and i went w/ my man to a restaurant after and i couldnt hear a damn thing. well, i was ok when i was talking to my man, but when the waiter ("andy") came by i panicked and got all screechy and repeated myself and it was terribly embarrassing. see, i had just been looking in a book kept in a record shop (the one from chasing amy) w/ all the stupid, true things that people had asked, said, or done. i have just friendstered myself into a frenzy. so many bands, so little time. i added something that i thought was quite amusing to my profile. but, i know by jabbering on about this, i am, in fact, a giant loser. i guess its cool not to be cool, but not in the way that i am. i'm not really bothered by any of this today. i'm just happy sitting here in front of the computer ( at 10:30 on a friday night) and using this pretentious tone and knowing that no one is reading this. somehow its ok for strangers to read my journal, but i would never want my mother to view this. 20 years is a long time to be married or at one job or doing anything, but it's not a long time to be living. sometimes i feel old. i like being the youngest, it gives me leave to indulge my inner child. that being said, kids suck, and i dont want any. but i know i will someday. i can see it coming. but who knows, maybe i'll get the funny syphilis and won't have to make a choice. this all seems very morbid, but believe me, it doesnt mean a thing. i'm just trying to be funny, and i find this all very amusing, so i say theres one for the home team. seeing as i'm such a "rocker," its kind of strange to be using sports analogies, but i am american after all (to my undying regret). i think my cat is either gay or very foppish. one in the same i suppose. i was worried about something, useless things, and right now i just dont care. i know i'll probably have a panic attack later, as i'm wont to do (that may be the first time i've ever used "wont" correctly), but all that can wait. all of my problems are in suspension right now. like satellites. i know they're gonna crash back into the earth, and probably sooner than i think, but it doesn't matter. sometimes i wish i was clever as dickon, but i'm not british or gay, nor could i ever hope to be as devastatingly gorgeous as he is, but maybe someone finds my thoughts interesting, or poignant, or witty, or or some other positive adjective. maybe this whole feeling is induced by the song. i feel like i've just jumped into "ernest goes to camp"

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friendster is a four letter word [03 May 2004|09:41pm]
[ mood | blargh ]
[ music | melee - everyday behavior ]

i really need to get a life besides friendster and myspace. all i do is sit on my ass and look at other people's friends until my ass is numb and i try to walk down the stairs cuz you know i have to piss like a racehorse but since my ass is numb i fall on it and break it. so now i've broken my ass repeatedly and people are starting to wonder, starting to say, politely and delicately, if i might be just a little off balanced. and i tell them to get a life and stop worrying about mine.

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lame [30 Apr 2004|02:46pm]
ok, i stole another one of these dorky tests from someone, but i just can't help myself. i've got a problem. i need therapy and/or drugs.

LAYER ONE
-- smoke: i'm gonna quit, i swear
-- Cuss: i make up my own, like mandammit!
-- Sing: i dont care what anyone says, i think i'm a good singer, so screw you mom!
-- Take a shower everyday: nah, that wouldnt be the rock star thing to do.
-- Have a crush: you betcha.
-- Do you think you've been in love: whoa
-- Will you go to college: maybe, but i doubt it
-- Like high school: right now i'm lovin it! thank god its over
-- Want to get married: we'll see
-- Believe in yourself: depends
-- Get motion sickness: no
-- Think you're attractive: attractive? yes. good looking? no.
-- Think you're a health freak: yeah right.
-- Get along with your parents: as long as she's at the other end of the state.
-- Like thunderstorms: shrug.
-- Play an instrument: many.

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: yes
-- Smoked: yes
-- Done a drug: no
-- Had Sex: yes yes yes yes yes
-- Gone on a date: um, i dunno, my b/f and i dont really go on "dates"
-- Gone to the mall?: yes, blah.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: i wish. i want cookies! and cake! candy just doesnt fill the baked goods void.
-- Eaten sushie: no, veggie
-- Been on stage: not that i can remember
-- Been dumped: no
-- Gone skating: no
-- Made homemade cookies: no
-- Gone skinny dipping: no
-- Dyed your hair: no, which is prolly the longest i've gone w/o dying my hair in about 2 yrs.
-- Stolen anything: a book, arent i a literary badass
LAYER TWO: Ever..
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: no, i'm shy and have no friends
-- If so, was it mixd company: n/a
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: slightly
-- Been caught: um, it was at a wedding, so i wasnt exactly trying to hide
-- Been called a tease: many many times
-- Gotten beaten up: no, i just dont piss people off
-- Shoplifted: no, i got the book from a train station
-- Changed who you were to fit in: probly in high school, everyone denies it, but we all did it

LAYER THREE
-- Age you hope to be married: whenever i finally mature (which may be never)
-- Numbers and Names of Children: i'm never having kids
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: signing the marriage license and then going somewhere
-- Where you want to go to college: maybe FIT if i ever get my shi... together
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: i am grown up, technically. i guess just something creative.
-- What country would you most like to visit: england

LAYER NINE: In a guy..
-- Best eye color? as long as theyre purdy, dont matter what color
-- Best hair color? again, color irrelevant, but i do like "that" haircut, even tho my b/f doesnt have it
-- height: as long as he's taller than me, which he is
-- Best weight: manorexic.
-- Best articles of clothing: mopey sweaters
-- Best first date location: a show
-- Best first kiss location: a show

LAYER FOUR
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: um, 3, i think, its all a bit fuzzy, well 3 different kinds, not just 3 times, which is prolly why its fuzzy.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: one. me. actually i dont think i even trust me, i've gotten myself into some pretty bad trouble
-- Number of CDs that I own: too many to even consider counting. record geek.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: um, maybe once? does the school newspaper count?
-- Number of scars on my body: never really counted, 3 that i can think of off hand
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: infinity. faces i've made, wrong things i've said, signs i've walked into, ppl i dated, ppl i didnt date, this is a ridiculous question
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the best light show ever [29 Apr 2004|11:20pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]
[ music | dirtbike annie - are you ready to dance? ]

i miss dida. i miss driving to her house and getting lost every damn time. i miss her 50 million cats. i miss how she hated the cats, and i always felt bad for them. i miss her strange penchant for anime. i miss her occult like story ideas. i miss our occult. i miss being able to talk to her on some sort of a regular basis. i miss her books. i miss how she knew every book that was becoming a movie. i miss her knowlegde of obscure literature, and japanese music. i miss the japanese rocker boys who all looked like the most beautiful girl you've ever seen. i miss telling her my depressing slice of life story ideas. i miss telling her about rocknroll boys and nyc. i miss her dry, dirty sense of humour. i miss our britspeak. i miss our pseudonyms. i miss the goodwill near her house. i miss the cheap cigarettes near her house. i miss her facial expressions. i miss how she calls me a liar, LIAR! i miss how we used to miss oasis together. its not like she's dead, she just doesnt answer her email.

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fasting [29 Apr 2004|12:03pm]
[ mood | determined ]
[ music | longwave - razor on my skin ]

i've gotta get healthy. i just can't be sick anymore. "i dont wanna be crazy anymore" - the star spangles. i'm gonna quit smoking. i think my man was gonna ask me to anyway. its not sexxy or cool to have a sore throat all the time, and be running out of breath. but i think its more lack of exercise that causes the latter. even though i clean all day, which does require some exertion, its not enough. i always say exercise is for losers, but if you do it in secret, no one has to know that you care about your body. i feel like i need to cleanse my body. i want to feel good. i know all these rock stars who emaciate and/or destroy their bodies are cool, but they always regret it later dont they? i just want to be able to go up and down the stairs w/o having to take a nap. ok thats hyperbolizing a bit. i'm not going running tho. there are enough stairs in my work/house that i have to run up and down 20 times a day to void any cardio necessesity as humiliating as jogging. i know my man likes it, but i'm no former track star like him. well, i did used to be on track, but i sucked. he did get me to dance tho, maybe he'll get me to run. i dont think so tho, we can barely get out of bed in the morning. ah, such is post-adolescent sloth-like happiness.

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sparrow song [08 Apr 2004|11:56pm]
[ mood | existential ]
[ music | silence ]

my boss' cat is dying. there is no dignity in dying. she just wanders around shaking like katherine hepburn and looking around all bleary eyed. she was bleary eyed when i first got here, but at least she had the presence of mind to bat at the dog. now anyone can touch her. the dog tries to carry her off by the tail, and she meows, but she'd meow anyway. she doesnt know where she is. i've only seen her take a few sips of water since passover started. 2 days later shes still here, tottering around. i wonder if this is how i'll die. no one dies w/ dignity. that is the definition of death, to have all dignity taken from you. you are dirt in the shape of a person, but no one wants to touch you. they want to put you w/ the other dirt, where you belong. we all die alone, but i want to die by myself and not have to face the indignity of people prodding me when i am once again dirt. but in this age of sanitation, this cannot be so. they must mold me into presentable dirt, put me in a box and make everyone look at me like some science project thrown together at the last minute. they want to cry on me. they will turn me into mud with tears. i dont want it. i just want to be dirt after my dignity has left me. just put me in the ground. no science fair or tears required. or burn me up and toss me someplace pretty, if it makes you feel alright. i wont care. i'll be dirt. dirt dont hurt.

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i'm going to brush my teeth, and then i'm going to go have a panic attack [12 Mar 2004|09:59pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | personality crisis - new york dolls ]

i dont know what the hell i'm doing w/ my life. i like fashion, i dont know if i wanna do that for the rest of my life tho. i like music, i dont know if i wanna do that either. i like my boyfriend. i want to go make out w/ him, but it takes 3 hours to get there. he doesnt know what to do w/ himself either. i was thinking about my high school reunion, even tho its like 8 yrs away. i cant see myself accomplishing anything by the age of 28. i cant see myself accomplishing anything, ever. what if youre really good at something, but you dont love it, or you love something that you suck at. i love music, but i'm no john lennon. i'm not even a hanson. i suck. i have no talent, ambition, and i'm not even good looking. i'm damn charming tho. maybe i can get by on that. i hate my life, i love my friends, i dont know what makes me happy, besides making out. its scary to know youre not special.

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