12:57pm 08/09/2004
  There's no point in even having this journal.. or any other for that matter  
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06:04am 01/09/2004
 
mood: blah
music: Blessed Union of Souls - Let Me Be The One
It's times like these when I need my father, times when I'm faced with descions that even thinking about make me cry.

What do I do?

What do I think?

Where will I go?

What will I feel?

Will the changes be drastic?

I did somethings that I'm not proud of in my life, as have alot of people. I cut myself three times yesterday morning, a habit I've tired my damndest to kick, and I guess I'll just keep trying and keep going.. This is the convo I had with a friend.. M for me H for him

H- Why did you do it?

M- *shrugs*

M-Grief, Anger, Hate, Unhappyness

H-Will I do it again?

M-I'm going to try not to..

H-Are you going to tell your grandmother?

M-No.

H-Are you going to tell your mother?

M-No.

H-Your brothers?

M-No.

H-Anyone?

M-No.

H-What about your shrink?

M-Well, probably

H-Your shrink is someone..

M-I know..

H-Why are you facing this now?

M-*bites lip* Because I'm sick of it being my means of releasing anger, pain, grief and hate.. I want to be normal.

H-But your on anti depressants..

M-So? that doesn't make me unnormal, just meas I have an emblance or something

H-Whatever you say.. so what else is wrong?

M-Nothing.

H-You lie.

M-I know..

H-Then what's wrong?

M-Everything.

H-You'll have to be more specific..

M-My life.. everything in it..

H-Still more specific..

M-*sighs* I don't know.

H-Yes you do.. tell me.

M-I'm in love.

H-That's a problem?

M-Not nessicarly.

H-Then what?

M-He's with someone else..kinda

H-Kinda?

M-Well he's supposed to be leaving..

H-Well then that's good.

M-No I don't think it is..

H-What do you mean..

M-It's not important..

H-Fine, then, well stop here..

M-Thank you..

H- Your welcome hun..

M- Thanks for talking to me like this, I know it might have been hard to hear that I was in love

H- I want what's best for you even if it's not me.. you know that
 
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05:12am 31/08/2004
 
mood: disappointed
music: Jack Johnson - Flake
I read your words,
You tell me your secrets.
I tell you mine.
I bare my soul
To someone I've never me before
I tell him my darkest fears
We talk from the heart
Will we ever get to start?
 
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grrr   
03:37pm 30/08/2004
 
mood: annoyed
music: Five For Fighting - 100 years
I hate the way you make me cry..
I hate the way you look at me and sigh..
I hate that you can't stand to be near for more then 5 minutes..
I hate that you believe some asshole over me..
I hate the way you treat me..
I hate when you laugh at my pain..
I hate the way you think things are no big deal..
I hate the way you beg me to stay and treat me like shit..
I hate the way you treat my brothers, but not me..
I hate that I'm punished for being my father..
I hate the way you ingore that I exsist..
And even after all this, I can't hate you
Because I love you
 
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Songs   
04:43am 30/08/2004
 
mood: drained
music: Benny Mardones - Into the Night
I thought I'd Post a list of songs that mean something to me.. Some are good, and some are bad, from all aspects of my life.. 1 being the most important..

1. Benny Mardones - Into The Night

2. Ashlee Simpson - Pieces Of Me

3. Avril Lavinge - My Happy Ending

4. Maroon 5 - She will be loved

5. Maroon 5 - Tangled

6. Beach Boys - Wouldn't it be Nice

7. Cher - Heart of Stone

8. Cher - Just Like Jessie James

9. Cher - Fires of Eden

10. Three Doors Down - Here without you

11. Yellowcard - Life of a Salesman

12. U2 - Still haven't found what Im lookin for

13. Avril Lavigne - Nobodys Home

14. Whitney Houston - Where do broken hearts go

15. Meatloaf - You took the words right out of my mouth

16. Meatloaf - Anything for love

17. Billy Joel - Only the Good die young

18. Mr. Big - Next to be with you

19. Powderfinger - My happiness

20. Evanescence- Solitude

21. Evanescence - Everybody's fool

22. Evanescence - My immortal

23. Michael Bolton - How can we be lovers

24. Matchbox 20 - Diease

25. Matchbox 20 - Busted

26. Counting Crows - Round Here

27. Counting Crows - Shame

28. Coldplay - The Scientist

29. Dashboard Confessionals - Vindicated

30. Dave Matthews Band -Raven

31. Destiny's Child - The Story of Beauty

32. Blessed Union of Souls - Let me be the one

33. Billy Joel - To make you feel my love

34. Bill Withers - Ain't no Sunshine

34. Breaking Benjamin - Rain

35. Bryan Adams - Everything I do I do it for you

36. Britney Spears- Everytime
 
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Brothers   
07:47pm 29/08/2004
 
mood: contemplative
music: Sheryl Crow - The First Cut is The Deepest
In everyone's life there comes a time when decsions have got to be made, weather we like them or. Weather we want to or not. And sometimes the line between what is right, and what is wrong, gets blurred. What do we do when that line is blurred? do we look past it? or do we let it influeance our descion? And if we do, how do we know that the good times you we saw were the truth and not influeanced and touched up by that blurred line? And it's just not the line between what's the truth and lies, but the line between what was good, what went wrong. What happens when THAT line gets blurred, and there are just so many damn lines, truths, and lies that can get damaged. and it makes the descions harder and harder to make. *sighs* My brother Justin, who I rarely get along with. Asked me to rent an apartment with him. This was something that really got to me, because. Well Justin and I never get along we can't sit alone in a room together without argueing. We can drive int he same car, because then you can't look Justin in the eye, and he'll talk.. That's the only place he ever talks and we don't fight. But that's not the same as sharing an apartment. So I tried to sit down and think about it. Could things really be different? Could we live in the same apartment? How come I can only remember the fights, and bad times? and not the good? I know the good times aren't nonexsistant, but where are they? Are they hidden under years and years of sibling rivalry. And, why after years and years of fighting for my mother attention, do I get it, only to be treated like shit. Is he trying to help me, and take me away from everything? Or is he trying to do something better for him and using me? I don't even know anymore. I'm always so confused when it comes to Justin. One moment, he's a good man, and then next he's a raving lunatic blaming every family problem on me. BAH.. I don't know anymore. Im confused. It's confusing.

I wish the lines would Suddenly clear, and I'd be able to see everything clearly. I wish I could talk to my brother like we used to. How did we lose our relationship? I have no fucking clue. Could we get our friendship back, I hope soo.. maybe this is all a step towards that. Or is that wishful thinking?
 
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Nickum Names   
01:08am 28/08/2004
 
mood: amused
music: Frankee - I Told You So
On the subject of Nicknames..

I have a ton of nicknames and I shall list them :

Spitfire, Sara Ho, Pres, Con, Elizawitch, Elizabitch, Sara Beara, Baca Baca, Goofy Grape, Boo Boo, Boo Boo Kitty, Sawa, Sarq, Sarq a Bob, Safa, Cutie, Black foot, Con Con, Stix, Twiz, Twizzy, Twiggy,Shorty, Short Fry, Shawti, Short Stuff, Munchkin, Midget, Pinky, Angel, and Onnie.

Now, That's a goodly amount of nicknames and I'm called almost everyone on a daily basis, not that's it's a "bad" thing, it's just that with so many nickname's I'm rarely called Sara, which just so happens to be my name... I prefer to be called by my real name so im not all that entirely sure where all of these came fron.

I'm sure as time passes, I will gather more and more of these weird ass names in the future.. maybe I should go back and ask all those people how I got those names.. But then again I suppose it's not all that important to know.

Im not sure why Im rambling on about this.. Because ramnbling is soooooo much fun..that is why Im rambling!
 
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Love   
04:43pm 27/08/2004
 
mood: bouncy
music: His Voice (The best kinda music)
ahhhhhhhhhhhh..

Free of snoops? *peaks around the corner*

I like places snoop free!

Anyway, I've been thinking about life and everything that goes along with it.. and I've decided that.. Love, is the best thing that life has to offer, I mean think about it, if you've got the love of someone.. someone good, who really loves you then even though there may be hard times, there will always be the love of that good someone, that even through the hard times.. then it's ok.. Holy crap I have no clue what I just said! Yes I do..

I love you..
 
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