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Monday, July 3rd, 2006
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6:39 am - Way to be random.
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Ridiculous how my sleep pattern is all out of whack. It's been harder to fall asleep lately. Hence the ungodly bedtimes.
It was nice having time just to myself in the last couple of days. After spending too many days in a row, too much time, with people, it was time for re-centering. A much needed time away from all the excitement to wind down, chill out.
Currently reading The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. Suzie passed it to me. It was passed on to her from someone she met a while back who received it from someone else. I am touched she has chosen me to pass it to. It has ignited that part of me I have been wanting to tune-in with for a while now. Often I have wondered what happened to my active spiritual pursuit. I realized there was no need to search. We are spirits in physcial bodies, not physical bodies with spirits. Why look far, over, and under when the very journey I'm on is the spiritual path I'm leading!
Peace. Calm. Serenity. Content. Pure joy. Simple pleasures.
It's like being in places like this:
or
or
...you get the idea.
In the real world, I sit at my desk. 2 hours spent with eyes glued to the computer screen. Deeply engrossed. Captivated by Word's office assistants and Window's Search animated helpers. How fascinating the tricks these little fellas perform, on command! Thoroughly amused. Very very entertained indeed.
This weekend was movie marathon weekend! Unplanned.
It started off with Superman Returns on Thursday. After I finally got my mind past how Brandon Routh resembles Christopher Reeves, I could appreciate him more. That Superman is something. I'm pretty impressed by his performance. Kate Bosworth, on the other hand, was just hard to like. What has she become?? A stringbean on stilettos? Poor girl, it was almost paintful to see how frail she is. It didn't help that she didn't have an ass to start off with. She looked like she was about to break and fall apart. And her forehead, which took up almost half her face, was very distracting. But how cute was her little son! Adorable. What a darling! Makes me want to cuddle him...and for the first time, not want to cuddle something that adorable!
Saw The Devil Wears Prada on Saturday. Funny and good entertainment. Shallow movies are great for people like me with a mind that cannot stop over-analyzing and intellectualizing everything. Basically, the movie made no particular point that was useful to me. That's why I enjoyed it. The End.
Then I watched Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Her that evening. Hmm....still pondering my respond to this movie.
And it was Benny & Joon last night. Loved it! Johnny Depp and Mary Stuart Masterson. Awesome.
Umm, I suppose having pancakes at 3am this morning counts as breakfast? It was supposed to be an extension of my dinner. Ooh boy, it's just occured to me that both sleeping and eating patterns are all fucked up. Great. Something else to worry about. I love my life.
Today, I did the macarena with a monster because that's how I roll.
current music: Tori Amos
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| Saturday, January 21st, 2006
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10:29 am - Surprise!
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Omg, I really need to update this shit don't I? Gawd. No details but at least I'm signing in to this cobwebbing site.
1. Crazy end of semester in FA05
2. Didn't go back to Singapore this winter break
3. But had a blast over winter break anyway!!
4. Missed my family to mutha-effing bits...they just returned to S'pore from their "family" vacation in some parts of China. bahhh....
5. Grateful for the blessing of particularly 3 valuable gems of girlfriends - Jackie, Brookie, and Hetty.
6.Got a new tattoo just before this new semester began!!! *squealing with delight!* It's the long-awaited Dragon tattoo I've been wanting for 2-years now. Ecstatic!
7. Interesting classes but a crazy start to the semester -- hectic schedule up the ass already.
8. Love life's...well...it's umm...well...I'll come back to this point later.
9. Have started a regular work-out regime. On my way to a healthier me. It's not about the weight, size or shape (cos I've kinda moved beyond the mindset of "thin-is-in" disease). It's all about being fit 'n' healthy.
10. Love life's....well, Let's just say, my love's life!
Of course there are lots of pictures from all the excessive partying (and studying on the side) plus pictures of my dragon....
I'll put them up.
Soon.
Just not now...
current mood:  content
current music: Kansas' Dust In The Wind
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| Sunday, December 4th, 2005
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9:37 am - Yesterday...Today...They're all Gray.
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Yesterday was just one of those days. You know, those crummy days where you wake up not feeling like getting out of bed but you just have to at some point in time anyway, so you do. Not fun. I trudged through yesterday dragging my feet around the apartment. Booo...
Yesterday was the shortest day I have ever had but it certainly felt like the longest. Just 6 waking hours and I was back in bed by 7pm. It was supposed to be a nap...what a nap that lasted twelve whole hours. Amazing.
So now, I'm up and early on a Sunday morning! Rose to not a sun-shiny day but gee-whiz, it snowed last night! I missed the first snow!! Gahhh... And it'd all turned to icy snow by the time I hauled ass out of my apartment earlier this morning. Grocery shopping early on a Sunday morning. It's something I haven't done since I was little! It felt good to breathe in the cold morning fresh air. ahhhh..... :)
~*~*~
TRUTH is...
I'm going through a sickening internal incongruency. A tug-of-war between this and that. Completely Beck's cognitive triad and particularly his cognitive distortion -- dichotomous/polarized thinking -- at play here. Suddenly, I love labels. I want to comparmentalize. I need the categories!
I disgust myself.
Life's just like that huh? It's never just black or white. It's all gray.
GRAY.
Gray, Lynn, G R A Y.
Everything is in shades of gray. Nope, not in a sad and gray way. Just GRAY. Not Black and/or White but Gray.
~*~*~
So is it going to be a better day today? Let's see...I get to decide don't I? Why did I not decide for yesterday to be a good one? I have no idea. I'm not going to proclaim anything today either. I'm just going to let it be. Let me be me. Today is going to be just the way it's going to be.
You see, the problem lies with me trying to control everything in my life. I need to go with the flow and live what the Universe has in store for me as all will unfold...in good time. God says, "All good things come to those who are patient."
So right now, I'm just going to take some me-time for reflection.
I still don't like things being gray though.
At least not right now.
current music: The Beatles' No. 1 Album
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| Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
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12:54 am - Jacqueline Taeyun Roe .aka. JRoe .aka. JackieRoe .aka. Ms Roe
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This entry is specially dedicated to Jackie. My little Jackie Roe.
Well, not little but just "little" as in my precious, little sweetheart kind of "little". Like how you treat little things with tender, loving, care kind of "little". That's how I feel about Jackie.
We've seen and been there for each other through the 50 thousand, 8 hundred and thirty-seven kvetches, 10 thousand heartaches, 51 million heartbeats of laughter, all our free monthly minutes for the past few months since being hundreds of miles away from each other, and so much more.
I can't even begin to express the depth of our friendship, the strength of our mutual support, the bond that we share, the true love and care we have for each other. Many valuable lessons about friendships, self-esteem, -acceptance, school, love, and life have been tested, shared and learnt together...including whether peanut butter needs to be refrigerated after opening, that Raid saves lives but not that of the bugs', if scarves can be washed with our bras, if cleaning mould from our window panes will cause us respiratory problems, if underwear can be washed too many times and still keep their vibrant colors, and many, many more very important life-death situation lessons such as these.
Her heart of gold has touched me in more ways than she can imagine. She's like a sister, a best friend, a study buddy (that's currently at virtual status), a confidant, a guardian angel...
Jackie, I know you are reading this:
We are beyond Thank You's. And if I didn't have to wake up in 5 hours, I'm sure the words will have more time to properly find their place in better expressing my love, encouragement, and support in you.
I LOVE YOU Jackie!
XOXO
current music: Israel Kamakawiwo 'ole
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| Saturday, November 26th, 2005
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11:50 pm - Dating and being my OBF
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I would date me anytime.
This is something no one would ever catch me saying a year ago, two years ago, three years ago...any year ago before now. But first of all, this is by no means a match.com type advert. Also, I have to put it out there that I know shit about dating. I don't know what constitutes dating. All I know is that I've been in too many unhealthy (aka fucked up) relationships in the past. So maybe I have the vaguest ideas about the rules and etiquettes of dating BUT at least I know, NOW, what makes an unhealthy, fucked up one.
I know, Now, that I would like someone who can be my best friend, my partner in crime and in love, who is up to every wild adventure we can think of together, who is loyal enough to brave our adversities together; that best friend who stands up for me and takes me on when everyone else is too afraid to; the best friend that I am to myself!
I've just been thinking about what it would be like to be my friend, best friend, my partner; go out with me, hang out with me, go on spontaneous escapades with me, date me, have a snoggling session with me, commit to me, et cetera. The lunch table conversation about a week ago got me started on this introspection. We were talking about what it would be like dating the different girls in class. Specifically, it was the question of, "what it would be like to date Brooke" that got me thinking.
No, not thinking about dating Brooke. Although Chris did pose me that question. -_-
Alright, so what I'm really talking about here is not dating-dating per se. It's really more about how I'm realizing how valuable I am to Me; learning that I'm worth every ounce of effort, time, energy, love, care, and attention. After these twenty-some years of self-discrimination, mind-fucking, and near self-damnation, through the struggles of facing myself and the repulsive glares I've shared with that girl in the mirror, I've come to accept many more parts of me I never thought I could.
I used to feel ashamed of many things.
Ashamed of being too caring, too bitchy, too kind, too overbearing.
Too rude, too passive.
Too loud, too shy, too obnoxious.
Too fat, too skinny.
Too short, too tall.
Too ugly, too cute.
Too pretty, too vain.
Too nice, too arrogant.
Too everything and anything.
Eventually, like painting yourself to a corner, it boiled down to being ashamed of being too shameful!
At least for a period of time before this, I got to choose the color of paint I was using to paint myself into the corner with.
How powerless I felt being ashamed of just being the very person that I am!
Sure I have my flaws. Sure I have my idiosyncracies. Sure I'm not smart at everything. Sure I'm not as slim, toned and cut as the person next to me. Sure I'm not a scholar.
I still have my gazillion insecurities that hound me day and night. But aren't insecurities exactly what they are? And they're self-made.
I should get to decide what I'm going to be secure about. And I choose to be secure than insecure with whatever I have, the person that I am.
From this day forward, I proclaim myself (once again), My Own Best Friend!
My OBF and that's BFF, dammit.
So you see, if it's about being my own best friend and how I would like to date someone who can be my best friend, then that brings me back to how...I would date me.
Anytime.
current music: Gavin Degraw, Katie Melua, Alias, Heart, and Van Halen
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| Friday, November 25th, 2005
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11:47 pm - Thanksgiving Day After
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I should conclude with much certainty by now that not going outside for at least 10-15 minutes a day is detrimental to my psychological well-being. Yes, once again, I cooped myself up in my little apartment all day. What's up with that, right?!
Two of the 7 deadly sins can account for my detrimental behavioral habits -- Sloth and Greed.
Well, I laundered today. That should count for something good, shouldn't it? So I watched college football all day today. Today's activities were: watch football, begin carb-fest, watch more football, continue on more carb-festing, and then some sitcom watching...bringing me here right now, updating this cobweb-ing Blurty.
I have to be honest. I'd really believed that today was going to be the day that would go down in history where the Aggies defeat the Texas Longhorns. I know...I know...Longhorn fans just clobber me now, why don't you. I reeeeeally reaaally was believing that the almighty Longhorns were going to be defeated this time! Today. Making history. Sheesh. Now everyone can reeeeaallly reeeeaaally tell how much I know about the football religion -- not at all.
I thoroughly enjoyed myself today anyway. My solitary cheering for Texas' Aggies (whose loss I'm still enormously disappointed with) and Nebraska's Huskers reminded me of my Touch Rugby days back in Junior College. I scored my fair share of TDs in practice but never really got to play the real shit. At that time, I'd decided that being a student leader in the school's student council was more exciting. Some regrets. But sometimes in life, we can't do everything and be everything all at once.
Time for a brief update on this week:
1. Survived and did better than I thought I'd do giving the presentation on Monday. Perhaps I'm really getting better at public speaking. Eeeps!
2. Struggled with stupid paper on Feminist Therapy Critique all through last weekend till the very last minute on Wednesday morning where it was due that afternoon. Gross.
3. Nice date on Wed night. I like. We had good conversations before dinner, during dinner and good conversation all over. Watched Jarhead, which to my disappointment had a very unfulfilling ending. Ugh. I'm not sure if it was intentional cinematography or my over-analysis but I felt as disappointed as Swoff (drop-dead hunk Jake Gyllenhaal) and Troy (Peter Sarsgaard) were at the end of the movie.
Not a spectacular movie and I'm thinking that the plot's just a soldier's (Swoff's) take on his experience through the Gulf War. Period. I liked it a little just because it reminded me of my NCC (National Cadet Corps) experience back in secondary school. It was fun and exciting while it lasted back then. All the physical training, the drills, the camps, the firing of M16s and AR15s, the commanding, those bits of military experience that could fit into the 5-6 years I'd devoted to the Corps.
4. Thanksgiving dinner cook-out at Charmaine's yesterday. Yes, a little Penn S'pore student gathering for a thanksgiving dinner without any Turkeys in sight. Haha! Just YUUUuummmmilicious singapore dishes! MMmmmmMmm! Loved it. Nothing beats Singapore food -- Sambal fish, beef rendang, spicy kang-kong, red-bean soup etc etc. Then we topped it off with s'mores and ice-cream. Couldn't be better. :)
This weekend's plan: Informal Child Assessment assignment. Due Monday. I was just getting started on it before deciding to update here.
That's right. Pro procrastinator at work.
current music: Interpol's Evil
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| Saturday, November 19th, 2005
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11:57 am - Feeling better.
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This is the first morning I'm waking up this week that I don't feel like a boulder resting on my chest, or my nose all stuffed up, or like a saw is running down my throat, or the room crazily spinning! Hallelujah!! I had a peaceful sleep for the first time in a long time. I'm so glad I wanna cry!
And many friends have been tooo sweeeet, thoughtful, caring, and kind. Make me want to tear-up! :) :) :)!!
They've made this cruel week a little less miserable and frustrating.
Nonetheless, after that dreadful visit to the Dr on Tuesday, I'd started slipping downhill. I felt dizzy and faint all week. My chest hurt. I was short of breaths. And I'll admit that I'd made it all 100 times worse with stressing myself out over all these symptoms. But hey, wouldn't you be too if you didn't know why and what was going on with your body? You just know that it's acting up all over the place!
Seriously though, I really don't have time to be sick and pathetic now! I have so much shit to do. Boohooo! Then those short breaths, racing heart and dizzy spells (similar signs of a panic attack) sent me into an entire panic attack, for real. -_-
(GOSH Lynn. idiot.)
So there. Panicking, worrying and OCD-ing were pretty much what I did all week. Oh, and of course I also did a lot of waiting at the Dr's, pharmacy, and radiologist...8-10 hours total this week. I'm serious. I would exaggerate but if I did, it'll just make me flip out even more seeing how much time I've spent doing that.
Oh right, and I'd also spent a fair bit of time resting and not doing work (but still thinking compulsively about it), watching some tv, some prancing around and whatever other low-key time-wasting activities. Hmm, although I must say that I'm recovering pretty quickly. This, I am very thankful for.
Thank you, God.
I'm sooOOooooOo glad to be waking up today feeling this much better!! I'm so happy about this I want to cry!
(oh, did i say that already? i did)
Yayyyyyy.....back to work, back to work. Time to stuuuuuddddyyyyy. SO much to doooooooo.
current music: Lior's This Old Love
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