12:37AM - anger management
i don't want this anymore
i am disgusted at myself
my mental frame is shot
and why? because i feel out of place?
because i hate being angry?
because i feel angry and i don't know why?
because i'm being insecure?
that's it. i'm being insecure.
somewhere in this part of my soul
i will the sadness away
all the pain they caused
all those words that hurt
all that self-crushing pain
i release you
you're free to leave
so tell me Jon, why do you feel sad?
~because i feel no one cares.
really?
~yes - i wanted help, i wanted someone to understand
but you didn't ask for help
~they were supposed to give it to me
that's irrational - how would they know?
~they're supposed to know...
stop it. you don't need to care about them.
~but i'm sad.
why are you sad?
~i feel hopeless.
why?
~i don't know - i feel useless
why?
~i want attention. i want someone to pay attention to me.
what happens when you don't get it?
~i feel neglected. unimportant. i need their validation.
you depend on them to feel happy? doesn't sound like much fun.
~unless i fill my life with happy people.
even if you do, there will be times when you're alone. can you be happy alone?
~yes...but when i'm around people, i want their friendship/attention.
what do you feel if you don't get it?
~sad. worthless maybe. maybe that's just what i feel now.
and if you wake up tomorrow it'll be gone?
~no...maybe it's under the surface...
so maybe it's true. you want power, because you feel like you don't have any.
~ya. even more so coming back. it's been a struggle. i'm a nobody again.
so make yourself somebody. you can claim the power that's yours for the taking
~yes but i feel so down. i want to be powerful all the time.
you talk so much like a child. will you ever grow up?
~soon enough, jon. c'mon.
okay. lets' work out what just happened there. you went out. did you feel okay as you left?
~yes.
okay. when did you start to feel bad?
~i think when I say adrianne.
why? what about adrianne that make us mad?
~when i see her, i want her to like me. i waht her to love me.
they why don't you?
~cause she's not interested in me.
dude - why are you hung up on her? what's so great about her that you can't find some one else. YOU HAVE ONE-ITIS!
~okay okay okay. I do. omg. she's like the fish that got away.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST FIND SOMEONE ELSE?
~cause she's got attitude. she's a near-impossibility.
dude - you're sabotaging your own game. out of all the girls here....you can't pick up one somewhere else??? go get 10 others, and see if this flower is so special.
~i know. when i'm not around her, or when she's not ignoring me, i'm cool. but she just ignores me.
okay, enough about that. clearly, she's a thorn in your side. know what? you need to forget she even exists. get anyone else. get someone this week, for pete's sake! let's move on. this sadness/despair/anger/frustration.
~yes.
it's stupid to carry around.
~i know.
so why not forget about it and be happy?
~i want to. i want to use the anger that i feel, and infuse that into other things.
why not give it up, and pursue goals happily?
~cause i'm afraid. i'm scared. of what, i don't know.
so you think people are going to hurt you again?
~yes. i know they will.
that's an assumption that is only partly true. you're holding it true for yourself, and you know it.
~okay, maybe i am. but it feel right.
so feeling sad is right? that's irrational also. why not feel happy and right? isn't that better?
~because it kinda give me purpose-
oh shut up. this is stupid, irrational, and totally irrelevant to the conversation. forgive them, and be done with it.
~you think happiness comes without a price?
well, it's certainly better than what you're doing to yourself. you're all mental - you have the cure. you know it.
~i know.
so why don't you sit down and nlp your way out of it? focus on forgiveness as your trait.
~okay, i will.
you need to cry it out. you're holding it all in...never letting it out.
~okay fine, fine.
see you believed that no one cared. how do you know it was true?
~they never called, wrote or anything.
they did. let's see you remember someone overseas. everyone gets wrapped up in their own world. you shouldn't ignore them just cause. you are responsible for your future. your friends are your choice to make. why not create your own circle of friends? spend time with them, hang out, it'll be okay. you are a happy person by genes. "they" have as much power over you as you let them . you power, for you. is being angry keeping your power?
~no, it's letting them anger me. they have the power.
so, next time you have a social situation that is disempowering, TAKE CHARGE. YOU ARE THE ALPHA MALE. ACT LIKE IT. enough of this wussy crap. get your game down. know your lines. learn c and f. work your ass. study hard. show yourself worthy of power, and it will be granted you. james bond handles his power well - trauma? no sweat. he causes chaos, and mayhem, yet is unaffected by it all. he is immune. his is a god, nothing fazes him: chaos is the absence of leadership. you be the leader. work the room. and sleep more. you're not sleeping enough.
~okay. thanks.
you know we're together on this.
~don't joke.
discontent