10:57PM - the critical point.
there is a point in a person's life, or career or mind where they're isn't the reaching of a critical point. while sometimes it may come only after years of labor, for some it is a choice or a single day where one is at the worst of stress.
perhaps this is a wakeup call for life. life is so busy now. everyday i'm preparing for something. for bible studies, for comittee meetings, for seminars.
so last night, i didn't sleep. i wanted to. but i didn't want to. i wanted to keep going. and i don't know why. i keep working, and working, and working. i just stayed up and kept going going going. then i slept. and now i'm so tired...and in the midst of doing all this to myself, i cannot but help asking why i did it.
what for? is this life? just an endless round of life, going and going somewhere, the venerable rat's wheel. i have to get out.
but the question of life then is: "if you get out of the rat race, what will you do then?" perhaps i'll be able to work with creating low level SES housing. perhaps in interior design - creating living spaces as art. perhaps i'll be a dancer, if there is any muscle left in my body...or perhaps i just should not do any of that...
be a dancer. be an interior decorator. be all those things i could be. ideally. and realistically. perhaps. but what happens when all that's over? what do i live for? be a writer - i seem to update this journal enough. lol.
i don't think the answer is in being something, accomplishing something. that's all bull. but what should i base my life on? have as life goals?
thing is...the real world needs money to live on, food to eat, a place to live. so i get those first...then start on diversifying lol.
and what then? what if i travel the world. what if i am a dancer, rockclimber, snowboard liftie, beach bum, a rock star, and do/become/accomplish everything i ever dreamed of?
where do i go from there? what if i was the next oprah, giving away thousands of dollars, hundreds of homes, cars, food. is that it? it this all there is to life?
of course this is leaving God out of the picture. even with Him, though....i guess i'm just tired. i'm so tired. nothign changes, really. people are people. you know the one victory i thought i had. the one question of following Christ? it was a fluke. a fake - some cousin marked her paper for her. i can't believe it. that is so mean.
plus i feel like im' getting no where. i have succeeded only in pissing people off, and becoming friends with rebellious 15, and 16 year olds. yet where does that leave me? i can take them on camps, i could talk the most intriguing speeches, the best songs, the coolest rides, all witha "christian" twist.
for what?
i'm just entertaining them. and nothign changes.
nothing changes about how the church meets. nothing is done about how life is lived. nothing is done about the pain that is so much around the world.
that protitute is haunting me. i cannot help myself anymore. this world sucks. no one cares. Christianity is like some stupid ostrich sticking it's head in the sand of rhetoric, non-caring, materialistic, greed for "souls" in the endless pursuit of "becoming holy." bullshit.
how dare we think that lonely we are making a "world" of difference. we are only patching up holes in a leaking boat that is going nowhere fast. and no matter how many sermons we preach, no matter how many satellite series' we do - who's gonna help these things? who is going to help those girls?
how can we say we're christians, and yet leave them? i walked by them. condemning myself. and i can't beleive it. how sick is this? how twisted is this? the pretense of godliness and the essence of evil being the same thing.
now there's a thought. so you think, while i try to sleep my assimilated pseudo-guilt/hopelessness/exhaustion away. wish me luck anyone? heh.
discontent