11:32PM - breaking down
everyone has a breaking point. take yours truly for example. the 2 hour workouts at the gym. the worst part is actually getting the balls up to go there. even when you realize that little spark of desire. it's like changing a diaper on a baby. ugh. but you do it cause you love the baby.
of course desire is not supposed to be like this. desire is supposed to be as a flame - perhaps it grows and shriks, but is always there. okay so my desire is a bit like a lighter - it goes on and off in the face of stress/work/life in general.
so where's my breaking point? i just got back from our pathfinder Hahei campout. Managing 11 kids for 3 days! YAY. was my generation ever so spoiled? were we really that materialstic? or perhaps we were just a bit smarter than these kids are.
btw, i can now say that i really feel sorry for those tsunami victims. the coromandel penennsula surf was tricky - ripcurrents, and rough surf. perfect for body boarding!!! man, cool water never felt so good. it actually felt warm compared to the breeezes that froze you afterwards. oh, ya - did i mention the hike to Cathecral cove? 2 beaches joined by a cave/arch of rock. huge arch. very cool. papatoetoe church was also there in part. but the surf - man. so powerful. we were struggling to remain standing! nearly got swept out once...but it was very memorable. whooo....
we also sang happy birthday, very randomly to a drunk Irish guy, 2 hours before his birthday on Sat. night. at least pathfinders is doing some good in the world! yes!
"ooo, i can feel my earrings shaking - my ears are going numb as i hike! we've only been on the hike for 15 minutes....jon, how much further? oh wait - i'm supposed not to wear earrings while hiking? i guess i wasn'0t thinking! what a revelation !i'm tired..."
from the older kids:
"why can't we just sit around and not help at all...like we're going to be hungry, or messy. we'll just sit around."
but they're cool. we slept under the stars all weekend. very cool. played practical jokes...shaving cream...airsoft guns...
played some football. i actualyl touched a rugby ball on sabbath afternoon. never touched it before. it's like an oversized football, minus the stitching.
lol - they're a cool bunch, those guys. with or without Mr. I Can Get Any Girl I Want. heh.
so cool in fact, that inspite of school tomorrow morning - we decided to do an all nighter at a internet cafe - GAMING HARD CORE BABY!!!! YEAH! then, Denny's and swimming in the morning! YEEEAAAHHH....
so as i drove home this morning, i remember that i'm supposed to help pastor clean his van (which we used). 3/4 of the way into the cleaning, i fall asleep vaccuming. pastor rescues me, and sends me off to the guest bed. i sleep for a few hours, and polish the van tires around 5 PM.
so between relaxing, sleeping, and working on making this presentation for 7 AM tomorrow morning...i'm kinda feeling this breaking point.
how far do you go in making friends? where do your morals stand vs. the church morals, vs. if you really care or not, vs. their morals.
i'm so tired of making moral decisions. too many...my goodness. i'm feel like a freaking parent. i really respect pastors now. i'd hate their jobs. maybe that's why people are cool about eveangelists - they're like the stars...they tour, they preach, they leave. they spiritually serenade us, and we like rock-concernt groupies fall in love with their unsung songs, and then they leave.
am i like that? is a volunteer only a playmate for church youth? someone to help them, someone to play with them? i kinda feel like i'm failing them - i'm not teaching as much as i could, or doing anything tangible. it's maily all relationships - whichi is very good. i just kinda feel a bit lost as to what to do exactly. i'm ready to start my programs, but even then...there's no support, no backup for me. so when i leave, it collapses? hopefully not..but probably so. i mean, even if the next SM takes over...it's not me. they're relying on a program.
i don't like my church family either. you sooo get the feeling that no one truly cares about you. you're the disposable. the renewable asset. you're the person that isn't responsible - cause you're leaving in a few months.
kinda wish me and andrew coudl change places. North Harbor is really cool. at least, really cool looking. any church but mine...can't i just take my kids and leave? go somewhere else? somewhere that's friendly, somewhere they'll love, somewhere where i don't have to feel like i have to change the church to have a youth program...
and i'd better sleep.
one God, one love - i'm finishing this race. beotch.
worried