So we just finished the initial joint staff meeting. I am so freaking tired of working with brats! Why can't we just do what I plan? Shezzz.....honestly. I'd sooo much be rather starting a club, that managing a club with stupid people in it. They just sit and smile at you, or they just want to thelp with certain things. No one is willing to help out in everything - everyone want to just do like ONE thing.

Screw them. I'm so ready to go back home.

I don't think directing an "established" club it all it's cut up to be. Then again, perhaps its this "british" culture. I hate a culture that encourages you to smile at your enemies. Heck - if you don't like it, freaking say it already! This is so stupid. "Well, Jon, now, you have to remember that we don't do it that way here." Well, frick, do you want me as a fricking director or not? Be a frigging director if you want this job.

All in all, i think it went okay. So i play crimson sky for 2 hours, and i'm ready to sleep. Screw this. Heh. I'm getting like 8 hours of sleep, waking up sore, tired, and ready to sleep somemore. But to no avail. I kinda wish i could have a breakdown, or get sick or something so i don't have to do anythign....this was more stress that dancing. Holy cow, i'd go back to dancing and school, 4 horus of sleep a week, that this stress. SUCKS.

But i'm no person to complain. I'll shut up. Have a night guys.

Date:	2005-02-14 10:27
Subject:	Materialism and Wastefulness Personified
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	nothing save keystrokes of the mind

Once there was a patch of herbs, living in a little niche in a rock. Not just any herbs, but beautiful white-herbs, grown with the sighs of the earth as it gave up precious minerals. The plants grew intensely, fired on by the wet breezes of the ancient coastland. Then on full moon, the herbs felt the happy slash of an rutted steel sickle. Curious babbling voices carried them tenderly down to a deep dark container.

"Where are we?" they wondered aloud. Then, from deep underneath them, distant weakening voices muffled out, "We have been chosen! We are the finest herbs - together we shall die and become glorious tastes for man. We have been chosen - how great an honor!"

They were crushed, squeezed, roasted, packed in plastic, and rushed over many miles. Now, they are dead, save for only the thinnest aura of life-light that surrounds them. Then one day - the rush of oxygen! Air! They had arrived! The moment that all plants learn of, dream of since that first ray of light! A squeeze, a drop! Oh, the heat! The heat! It burned them! And the oil, oh that hot, freeing liquid - the pain soon gave way to heated release. As their last stream of unseen light left them, their last thoughts: "Finally. This is what we were born for."

Yet fate had a different plan for the rest of the herbs. As glorious as death was, another voice found them one day. It spoke to them, to itself. Of waste, of waste - of smell. They smelled not, they wasted nothing, yet they were cast aside, into - into darkness. Into refuse. Into a land of rot, and mildew, of mold and fungi. Their cries were unheard. As they too began to wither and writhe, as fungal fingers began to tear at their bodies, their only thoughts? "Unjust, unjust our end! We were not born for this! This is injustice...this is waste!"

But no one hears them. They cry still.




My curry paste, which was a gift from my Mom, was thrown away. Sometime this week. Materialism, Wastefulness, and the endless, fruitless pursuit of Cleanliness is now a disease in my mind. What merited it's throwing away? It was fine. Curry pastes keep for years. Do people not understand? This is my food. My memories. Do not touch!!!! DAMN.

Date:	2005-02-10 22:56
Subject:	The great event of nothingness
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	TVNZ One

Hello and welcome
To the great event of nothingness
Kiss the door and hear it die
Working itself over your head.
If you left your mind behind
That's perfectly recommended
For the mystery of life is best
Mentioned with no mind attached.
Working days and playing nights
Let your fingers fly free
So get out and fall down
Work your magic for there's nothing
Here.
Laugh uselessly
There is no use of life here
For now the leaf is turned
The thread is pulled
Dreams are nothingness
Let's sleep already.

Date:	2005-02-04 15:23
Subject:	Finale
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

Here's to the end of Week of Prayer! YAY!!!

It's cool to see actually tell stories to kids and watch their reactions...there's such innocence in their eyes. In a few years, some of these kids will be pregnant. Some will be on grass. Maybe one or two will be getting into fights at another school. Maybe some will be angry at their parents. Perahsp some will be model students. Maybe others will be "valley girls" or nerdy boys.

But for now, they're kids. And nothing can stop them. Week of prayer was cool...

Date:	2005-02-02 23:01
Subject:	dizzy
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained

my goodness, i'm like really dizzy right now.
maybe it's the stress... like in the mornings, i leap out of bed though i'm half awake.
trying to make the deadlines.
week of prayer will never be the same for me.
ugh.

got a haircut today. plus some new de:fi creme. smells GREAT. cost = $60.
actually, today was kinda nice, but i'm just really dizzy. don't know why.
worship thismorning was pretty good. i'm working on closing a point in a talk.
hope tomorrow goes better.
after the talk, i drive home, only to find out that Colleen was super nauseous (pregnant - shhh don't tell) and wanted to go her parents place 45minutes south of henderson, where i live. so i drive her. but not before making an appointment at 1 PM for the haircut.

THEN.

I get this call out of the blue, from the Drakes. Now, the Drakes were a nice old couple from Brookings who spend much time crusing the world. So it happens they're in AKL. They want to see me. I oblige, of course, setting the appointment at 2 PM.

So i meet them finally, and we talk until about 4PM. then i went home. tired and hungry. i made this HUGE meal. which i'm thinking should be like close to my 2000 daily calories. one can of spaghetti, 1/3 a bag of frozen stirfry (yum) and a bread stick w/dipping sauce.

so i eat, and watch parts of movies.

then i remember Lost is on. premeiring today. so i watch most of it. then i realize it's like 11 PM. and i havne't prepared the devotion for tomorrow. UGH.

i'm tired. maybe i have worms. i saw an ad today on tv about worms. they make you tired and grumpy. i'm not grumpy, i'm just tired.

hmmm...

so here's to my friends - may your school be great, hope the cold's not too bad. hope your Valentine's is awesome. i'll be busy working...as usual...

Date:	2005-01-31 23:32
Subject:	breaking down
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried
Music:	fan blades rushing air past me

everyone has a breaking point. take yours truly for example. the 2 hour workouts at the gym. the worst part is actually getting the balls up to go there. even when you realize that little spark of desire. it's like changing a diaper on a baby. ugh. but you do it cause you love the baby.

of course desire is not supposed to be like this. desire is supposed to be as a flame - perhaps it grows and shriks, but is always there. okay so my desire is a bit like a lighter - it goes on and off in the face of stress/work/life in general.

so where's my breaking point? i just got back from our pathfinder Hahei campout. Managing 11 kids for 3 days! YAY. was my generation ever so spoiled? were we really that materialstic? or perhaps we were just a bit smarter than these kids are.

btw, i can now say that i really feel sorry for those tsunami victims. the coromandel penennsula surf was tricky - ripcurrents, and rough surf. perfect for body boarding!!! man, cool water never felt so good. it actually felt warm compared to the breeezes that froze you afterwards. oh, ya - did i mention the hike to Cathecral cove? 2 beaches joined by a cave/arch of rock. huge arch. very cool. papatoetoe church was also there in part. but the surf - man. so powerful. we were struggling to remain standing! nearly got swept out once...but it was very memorable. whooo....

we also sang happy birthday, very randomly to a drunk Irish guy, 2 hours before his birthday on Sat. night. at least pathfinders is doing some good in the world! yes!

"ooo, i can feel my earrings shaking - my ears are going numb as i hike! we've only been on the hike for 15 minutes....jon, how much further? oh wait - i'm supposed not to wear earrings while hiking? i guess i wasn'0t thinking! what a revelation !i'm tired..."

from the older kids:

"why can't we just sit around and not help at all...like we're going to be hungry, or messy. we'll just sit around."

but they're cool. we slept under the stars all weekend. very cool. played practical jokes...shaving cream...airsoft guns...
played some football. i actualyl touched a rugby ball on sabbath afternoon. never touched it before. it's like an oversized football, minus the stitching.

lol - they're a cool bunch, those guys. with or without Mr. I Can Get Any Girl I Want. heh.

so cool in fact, that inspite of school tomorrow morning - we decided to do an all nighter at a internet cafe - GAMING HARD CORE BABY!!!! YEAH! then, Denny's and swimming in the morning! YEEEAAAHHH....

so as i drove home this morning, i remember that i'm supposed to help pastor clean his van (which we used). 3/4 of the way into the cleaning, i fall asleep vaccuming. pastor rescues me, and sends me off to the guest bed. i sleep for a few hours, and polish the van tires around 5 PM.

so between relaxing, sleeping, and working on making this presentation for 7 AM tomorrow morning...i'm kinda feeling this breaking point.
how far do you go in making friends? where do your morals stand vs. the church morals, vs. if you really care or not, vs. their morals.

i'm so tired of making moral decisions. too many...my goodness. i'm feel like a freaking parent. i really respect pastors now. i'd hate their jobs. maybe that's why people are cool about eveangelists - they're like the stars...they tour, they preach, they leave. they spiritually serenade us, and we like rock-concernt groupies fall in love with their unsung songs, and then they leave.

am i like that? is a volunteer only a playmate for church youth? someone to help them, someone to play with them? i kinda feel like i'm failing them - i'm not teaching as much as i could, or doing anything tangible. it's maily all relationships - whichi is very good. i just kinda feel a bit lost as to what to do exactly. i'm ready to start my programs, but even then...there's no support, no backup for me. so when i leave, it collapses? hopefully not..but probably so. i mean, even if the next SM takes over...it's not me. they're relying on a program.

i don't like my church family either. you sooo get the feeling that no one truly cares about you. you're the disposable. the renewable asset. you're the person that isn't responsible - cause you're leaving in a few months.

kinda wish me and andrew coudl change places. North Harbor is really cool. at least, really cool looking. any church but mine...can't i just take my kids and leave? go somewhere else? somewhere that's friendly, somewhere they'll love, somewhere where i don't have to feel like i have to change the church to have a youth program...

and i'd better sleep.
one God, one love - i'm finishing this race. beotch.

There once was an ancient warrior, a hero of the land, deeply in love with the most beautiful princess. However, to win her hand, the hostile king asked the brave warrior to venture far and wide, on a quest surely to take his life. Legends tell of the great parting of the warrior and his lover. The princess refused to leave him, crying her eyes red, clinging to him and refusing to let go. So before he left, he crafted a pure-ring of the finest silver. Calling on the Infinite, he asked that the ring be gifted with the most cherished gift possible. While purifying the molten silver, a tear slipped from his cheek into the hot, churning liquid, turning the red-hot metal dark. Pouring the mould with his tears, he formed the ring. Pure silver, yet it had a blackened streak where his tear had fallen. A dark-ring. As he presented the ring to her, he said "Be warned, my love. The Infinite has tainted this ring with a painful blessing. Once worn, you will think of me with a fire that will burn your heart. A fire that none can put out, save me. And if I fall in battle, I'm afraid that you'll never be the same."
But his lover was not swayed, she loved him too much. So in a last embrace, he gently slid the darkened pure-ring onto her forefinger. Instantly, a small, shooting-hot pain touched the princess' heart. She gasped in shock. Another tear slid down the hero's cheek. "This is the gift of wanting," the warrior said. "I can give you nothing else - for i have nothing, save my love for you. I fear you shall miss me terribly."
But the princess kissed him tenderly. "if i had not this gift, your face would soon fade from me. return swiftly!"

But he did not return swiftly. The days wore on, the months skipped by, and the princess heard little from the warrior. Only the slightest rumors, the whispers of his deeds done in darkness, of fiery herosim and bravery unparalleled. And with each whisper heard, she touched the ring on her finger, smiling. For each touch shot a new small pain into her heart, and brought his image again to mind.

One day, a messenger came riding into town, crying out, "our hero is fallen, is fallen! Mourn, ye who loved him! Our hero is fallen!" The maids rushed up to tell the princess of the fell tidings. In shock, they discovered her, lying on the floor of her chamber, feint.
"I know already. The ring is burning me," she said. "I fear he shall die! I must die soon - this fire is unbearable!" she wailed. And none could calm her, none could cool her. Three days and nights she lay on the cold stone floor, sweating and clutching her heart. "He burns! He burns." she cried. Her maids ripped open her blouse and put cold cloths on her heaving chest to cool her - but to no avail. The cloths steamed and lost all coolness minutes after being soaked in icewater. "She will die soon," they said. "The hero must be found."
But there was no release for the princess. Seven days after the rider returned, the heat bore her soul away. Passing in a fever of heat, she gasped out "He's gone" to her closest maid.
And as her coffin was led throughout the city, a lone rider crested the hill outside the gates. "He is gone! Is gone! Our hero is slain!" he cried to the mourning throngs. But they already knew.

Date:	2005-01-25 23:57
Subject:	a day of nothing
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

have you ever had
a day of nothingness
that just passes you by
like the thousands of others
just like it
passing you by
and leaving you tired
not having done much at all
and you wonder
on the other side of the world
what is happening

seriously. today was an ordinary day. how boring.

Date:	2005-01-24 12:06
Subject:	key performance mechanisms
Security:	Public
Mood:	recumbent

a few days ago, my car was driving me back home and my mind was talking to ourselves. it suddenly occured to me and my mind that we were driven by power. or the pursuit of it.

i am power-hungry. in many things.
and just like that - a thought process clicked into place.
power.
that's why i studied graphology.
that's why i study psychology.
that's why i like metrosexuality.
that's why i became a dancer.
that's why i love drilling and marching.
that's why i do so many things...

so i'm driven by the search for power. why?
that's the next big question.
easy answer = because i feel a lack of power my whole life
easy answer = stupid answer.
easy answer = shallow answer.

this darkness is gnawing at me. this emptiness is sleepy. don't know if it's just stress/exhaustion or mild depression? i just feel like i don't really want to do anything. i'm not exactly down, or like giving up or anything. i just feel a very permeatig sadness. perhaps it's just loneliness. perhaps i'm being selfish. i'd rather be happy. and if i'm being selfish, i don't know what i'm being selfish about...not having true friends?

sometimes i wish i could be friends with normal people. whatever that means. i want to flirt, i want to go around, i want to hang out. and i feel i can't do that - because i'm responsible for all these youth - spiritually and morally. and i feel to even connect with them is very hard.

it's like i wanna sleep, but i don't want to. i want to hang with friends.

i want....i don't know what i want....but i'm not feeling happy...lol

Date:	2005-01-18 00:05
Subject:	camporee
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

ahh the joys of camporee...the blissfull pleasure of having 11 kids to take care of! yay! one would think that camping was fun, lol.

i am beginning to understand why this generation is labeled as lazy, and spoiled. 5 days of putting up with laziness, complaining, and general all around fun is exhausting! boy. so amidst the minor fights, the food fiascos, and the INSANE heat, here is a little taste of a camporee day:

7:45 am. wake up! drag yourselves out of bed, you lily-livered pathfinders! or we'll use the "hooter" on you. yes, we have an air horn, and we're not afraid to use it! deaf, are we? well, we'll just wake up with with a shot of cold water on your face! that's right, we've gotcher lucky waterpistols here! wake up!

8 am. i said wake up!

8:30 we stumble, still half asleep, to the morning worship. the Islander clubs are already cooking wonderful smelling food. curry chicken, coconut rice, yum. what do we have? instant noodles. spaghetti. cold cereal. so much for cultural diversity when it comes to camping, western style.

9am-10 am we cook breakfast, attempt to clean up camp, and just hang around. the sun comes blazing in around 9:15, and so we're all running under some shade. you know that scene from chronicles of riddick? when the sun-superheated air comes exploding over the surface of the earth? ya. that's a bit what it's like. the very intense summer sun, blazing down on us like the fires of hell. lol, j/k, but it was pretty bad. i got sunburnt only on the last day though.

another note: today's kids are DUMB. my goodness. "ouch, jon, i'm burnt. it's not my fault i forgot my sunblock, even though i had it in my bag."
"ouch jon, i'm still stitting out in the sun after being burnt really bad. i put on sunblock, but i'm too irrational to know that once my skin's gone, i'll still burn no matter what."
"ouch jon, i'm burnt. i forgot to do my face." or "ouch jon, i'm burnt. i didn't put any on my boobs, and now they're burnt, cause i didn't bring any normal t-shirts. its too hot."

10 am - morning activity. whether it's crawling commando style through mud, or swimming/tubing a raft downstream, we're TIRED.
another proof kids are dumb: "i don't want to go. i just wanna stay here, in the sun. getting more burnt. do we have to go?"

12 pm: lunch break. again, the awesome islanders are cooking. we miss good food. at least i do. these kids eat anything - ramen, rice, beans, spaghetti, anything. we haven't gotten our shipment of daily fresh food in - it's late! it won't come till 3PM! yay! plus it'll be half-rotten! yay!
so we laze around, cook some food, eat it and yell at the kids to wash up their own plates and make sure the dish crew are washing up. lazy as....

2 pm - afternoon activity. same as morning one, except different.

5:30 pm. SWIMMING. it's too hot. jumping is called "bombing" here. wish some of the gymnastics guys were here, they'd show them. hehe.
so ya, we swim and flirt with the 17 year old girls. not that they're bad looking. to sad none of them were from AKL. they're all from Palmerston North, or Hamilton. lol. sucks.

6:30 pm - dinner. same routine again, except we're getting tired of cooking. Emily, me and Josh. *sgh*
7:30 selling glowsticks! however, we make the unfortunate discovery that kids here aren't as rich as the cali kids (understandably) and we can sell only 300 or so.

8:00 pm - evening program. awesome, what can i say. you have these moments where you feel you wanna pray as hard as you can for the kids, that their materialistically, immature, selfish minds can be poked and prodded by the Spirit.

10 pm we attempt to get to bed. this often backfires, due to me and josh wandering around the camp in shades and scarves. but Emily is great at being a mom, and make then all sleep. ah the joys of being staff! we flirt on the sly with the P.North girls more. who knew that being a quarter Indian and 3/4 white would make you look so good. dang!

11:30 pm. okay we sleep.

7:45 am - repeat.

so that was my week. yes lots of fun, but i'm glad ti's over. on the plus side, i'm a bit skinnier, i hope. maybe i should do more camporees.

today was the first day back. i woke up around 11 am. and was still VERY tired. michael came over around 12 and we washed/waxd our cars till 3, ate dinner/lunch at teh church, and then watched phantom of the opera. i just got out around 11:45.

again, the blissful sadness of a epic movie. AMAZING. phantom. and the mme. cherie's daughter, jennifer something. OMG. like a more-beautiful britney.
but now, i think perhaps for the first time, i'm lonely. and a little homesick. driving home through a wisp of smoke made me instantly back home in oregon. driving the beaches on 101, the rain in the winter, and the cool winds of summer. i miss it. strange. i thought i never would.
but more than this, i'm lonely as. that's the phrase here. something as. like cool as ice. except you leave out the adjective, and say cool as. awesome, cause you can sould like you're saying ass, but your'e not! like sweet as, sick as, cool as, wise as, smart as, hot as...
well i'm lonely as.
i was telling josh, my "acting boys head counselor" that these were the times when i just wish i could cuddle with a girl.

NO I'M NOT GAY. shut up.

seriously. just cuddle, just to be held, and loved as a friend. being a leader and friend is a very hard line to walk and a more difficult than one would think. it's like i don't quite know how to be friends anymore. most interactions i do are becoming youth activities, rather than me and some guys hanging out. i don't want that. but sometimes being a leader adn being a friend coflicts.
seriously. all i want is someone to hold me. hang out with me. someone i don't have to be a youth pastor to. someone whom i don't have to feel responsible for their salvation. someone to love.


to the woman of my dreams

in my mind's eye
our toes hide little sandgrains
on a shore cool and cold
fresh breezes flow off of the autumn sea
making you gasp for life - salt-shocking
thinking of you and me and why
with hands held together
we weren't looking for love
love just found us
kicked us in the butt- we had no idea
this beating of my heart
matching the swinging of your feet
off of this wind-washed dock - just us, alone
loving our secret little place
for our ocean chills
shared heats of passion
cooling fires into the warm gold shine
of a ring entwined in
one soul with these two hearts
pounding...rhythmic...liquid...
drums
with each wave passing us
under these graying wooden posts
rocks us, loves us, is us - as we
splash
crash
pour
churn
and the wind blows again
gasping in pleasure
your head on my chest
my arms around you tight
sighing our warmth
of the heat of your mind in
this ocean of cool-cold
your hair wisping in the wind
you were never more beautiful
my cheeks warmed from your kisses
i want to stay here forever
knowing my eyes say the obvious - i love you
hoping your mind hears my swirling thoughts
that you are the defining epitome
of what i yearn for in another human being
that you love me, poor me...
loving you makes me cry, i'm so happy
hot salt tears plummeting
across the wooden posts
your sniffles soak my jacket
my God, i love you
i wanna be here forever.
you're the woman of my dreams.

then i wake up.
alone.

night guys.

Date:	2005-01-09 22:55
Subject:	I, Robot and God.
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	dallas' family talking on tomorrow plans

THOUGHT NUMBER ONE

God is perfect, right?

Have you seen I, Robot? Once scene has a voice-over saying something like "the three laws lead to only one conclusion." In the movie, the "three laws" are a concept of logical laws of protection.

1- A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2- A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3- A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

A perfect circle of protection, as Issac Asimov dreamed of.

If this is an example of perfection, then let us equate this with God

God = 3 laws = logical perfection

Yet in the movie, as in real life, there is an exception to perfection. Chaos.

Human = illogical imperfection

Yes sometimes God's allowances or decisions are above our logic.

Therefore, does God = illogic?

He can be. In our point of view, we can see only what is logical to us. God must be understood as super-logical. Though our logic cannot explain why God allows pain and suffering, God has super-logic. A reason for everything. Can it be that God has a touch of chaos? If chaos is the absence of order, does God qualify? What is order? Is order not a pattern?

Then, from our view, a pattern of life may not be viewed as a pattern. We may only see abberations and apparent chaos - random twistings of "fate". But are they? Can our lives and the events in them be part of a pattern? Order, chaos, order. From God's point of view this is a pattern, or rhythm. Soon to complete its final phases.

So is God both order and chaos? That depends. From His view, "chaos" is the downbeat in a rhythm of order. From our view, its just chaos.

God is both logical and illogical. If the Lord works in mysterious ways, it's perfectly logical. LoL.

THOUGHT NUMBER 2
Giving is receiving.

Receiving is not giving.

But giving is receiving.

lol. not my thought - it's a friend's. Vinnie. Cool guy.

Have a good night all. Much love.

Date:	2005-01-07 02:20
Subject:	Spinning wheels
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

come, princess, let's run away
the most beautiful place you've never seen
your knight is here to save you
and give pleasures fit for a queen
now feel the feather-light all 'round you
the golden circles, prance and wave
melting, shooting deep inside
our legs are shaking with the tide
of light we share inside your mind
pouring gasps between your lungs
and rich warmth right inside your breaths
the liquid soft light fills you now
covers you from head to toe
your smile with the beaming glow
our gazes now enlightened flows
and as we with elven lovers' toes
with golden circles now we play
and leave our sordid cares for the day
in places never aging
with light we bind our melding minds
our one is two and two is free
in me is you and you is me
our thoughts make red light
'tween eyes meet
burning, warming, dancing wild
we, graceful, with arms and legs
this dance
red wisps moves, like us, entranced
lost in each others' kissing eye-streams
we're danced here only in your dreams
but dreaming now we never
for dreams come true
i dreamt of you,
by night we waltz forever

Date:	2005-01-05 00:41
Subject:	college life
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic

so i'm thinking, and i suddenly have the urge to call my sister. Yes i know it's probably like 6 AM there. But it's her first day at college. Funny, how that day is probably the most memorable day of your life. It's kinda like the first day of the rest of your life.

i miss her.

also. you know there's this thing called remote viewing. probably some psychic something-rubbish. but today i got the feeling of great confusion and tiredness from a good friend of mine. so i tried sending her some white light. don't know if it made a difference. did it? let me know. anyways, this image was kinda strange. she was sitting. sitting somewhere... a bed, a desk maybe?

yes i know i'm weird. deal with it.

please pray for me and my pathfinders. Pastor Craig's father is gravely ill. literally gravely. and so he's going back to South Africa to see him. problem is, he was one of our drivers, and the MAIN SPEAKER for camporee. they're gonna have to find someone else fast. and i need a driver. boo hoo.

all this stress! just when things were under control...and i've been really tired for this past week. ugh. no sabbath rest for me! lol. things just keep getting faster and faster. at least i have the house for myself - colleen and dallas are away for the week with their family still. YES. strange - you'd think a family would be more lively. but they're not.

still haven't decided it i'm going to move out to pastor's.

so here i am. i just watched two weeks notice, and ate a great deal of ramen-curry-frozen stirfry soup. most delicious. i'm going shopping thursday for camporee food. and tomorrow's involved with making a sign for the garage sale our church is having for the Asian Tsunami. Terrible that - over 130,000 dead! crazy. can you imagine it?

have a good day/night, wherever you are.

Amidst all the partying and celebration that's oh-so-New-Year's, one thing today really sticks out. Today I was reminded yet again of the values of random positive reinforcement. AKA habits. Why do we go to the same gas station? Why do we go to the same barber? Wear similar pants with shirts? Wipe our butts the same way?

Some guys just set off MORE fireworks. As if the ones off of the Skytower weren't enough. And yet I think of all the people down there. Living not-so-different lives.

Anyway, back to the story. I pulled into this gas station today - BP - on Manukau Road, just after the Royal Oak Roundabout. (total nonsense to those in the US) I walk in to pay, and see this freezer. Full of ice cream bars, popsicles, etc. I have just learned the pleasure of Calippo popsicles. Really good. Coconut and Mandarin Orange. Yum. Kiwi and strawberry. So, I go back to the car, pick up my change. I don't have enough. A Calippo is 1.80. I have .75. Bummer. I go to pay the gas. The beefy Islander asks me how I'm doing, if I'm partying tonight. I mention the party on Aotea Sqare (near the Skytower). But...I'm going. I'm too tired. (true, but also it's sabbath) He nods assent. I ask him what ice cream/popsicle I can get for .75. Turns out the one they have under .75 is all gone. So in a random gesture of kindess, he just gives me this little cup of ice cream. I pay happily for the gas.

And as I'm walking out - I think "this guy is awesome. He's make an awesome Christian." You don't forget things like that. A little cup of ice cream. Probably didn't cost much. But he gave it to me. Just reached down, pulled one up and gave it to me. Shook my hand, "Happy New Year." That really meant a lot.

That kind of thing should happen everyday.
Oh yes. Happy New Year everyone!

Date:	2004-12-29 23:54
Subject:	Emergent poems/thoughts
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	silence

Jesus says the kingdom is like a mustard seed
And we say it is like a building
Jesus says the kingdom is like yeast
And we say it is dressing in a suit and singing some songs
Jesus says the kingdom is like salt
And we say it is how we collect the communion glasses
Jesus says the kingdom is about how we treat others
And we say it is all about us
Jesus says the kingdom is like little children
And we say complex theological constructs
Jesus says find the lost sheep, the lost coin and the lost son
And we say it is about me

from http://www.signposts.org.au/
awesome, isn't it?


from Emergent Kiwi - www.emergentkiwi.org.nz

December 22, 2004
theres something about Mary

It suddenly struck me this week that Mary might have a whole lot to say about pre-marital sexual ethics and about being a teenager today.

So here are the notes from Sunday nite.

We all know the birds and the bees. Young woman don't just get pregnant.

So, option one - Did God sleep with Mary?

Well, women know there bodies. Mary is adamant she's a virgin. When the angel of God comes, she is quite firm. "I'm not married. No man or God has slept with me."

So, option two - Were Joseph and Mary bonking on the side? Were they looking good to their mates, but steaming up the windows on the quiet?

Well, when people are alone with God, or even God's angel, they get pretty honest. Both Mary in Luke and Joseph in Matthew, both alone before God, are adamant. They weren't sleeping together.

God, we pray for all of us with boyfriends and girlfriends. Give us the courage to be the same to our mates as we are in private. Give us the courage to be like Mary and Joseph, even in the dark.

Which leaves option three, a miracle. We scratch our heads and go, "I don't believe it. Birth without a bloke. Only God could pull that one off."

And option 3 makes sense of the Christian story. Christianity claims that Jesus is both human and God. Jesus needs a virgin birth, both a human parent and a God - parent, to be Jesus.

That's the birds and the bees. There's something about Mary.

There's something else about Mary. There's her age. In those days women got married as teenagers, often 12, 13. So Mary is any teenager we know.

Imagine that. God gifting the future of the human race to a teenager.

Which suggests that in God's economy, no one is ever too young. No-one can ever say, "I'm not ready."

God, we pray for our young women tonight, our teenagers in our youth group, that they will lead us like Mary led us, that tonight you would birth a new generation of leaders among us.

There's something else about Mary that challenges us.

No matter what our age and stage, will we, like Mary, say yes to God? Will we, like Mary, walk in purity? Will we, like Mary, trust in God?

This is our last evening service for the year. We go from here to holidays, to beaches, to New Years parties. Will we be like Mary?

By way of response I invite you to have an anklet tied to your leg - a piece of leather, your humanity, your reality, your struggle - and a white bead, your commitment to be like Mary, to say yes to God, to walk in purity, to trust God this summer.

Because there's something about Mary.

Posted by steve at December 22, 2004 04:47 PM

Date:	2004-12-29 23:18
Subject:	end of year thoughts
Security:	Public
Mood:	listless

Marsters turned, at the door. "You...don't remember me, do you, Tess?"

"You're hard enough to forget!" Sarcasm and suspicious eyes - catty trio. "Even if I did, I'm even more eager to forget you." She could barely clear her confusion, but of course, one does not show weakness in the face of the captor.

A fly buzzed in the dripping window. Where am I? She thought.

"Then you wouldn't remember." He looked away, a cheek in one palm, the other hand spun a ring, well-worn.

A loud sigh. "Remember what, you freak?"

"How much I loved you. What we went through."

Despite the black balaclava, the fake military dress, and very-real-big-gun, something in his eyes -
"What? I don't even know you. Look, I don't give a damn. Kill me already, if you need to."

A snide laugh. "Okay, have it your way." He pulled out a damp cloth and threw it on her face. "Just thought I'd see if you'd recall. Anyway."

She couldn't move enough to toss the cloth off. Holding what little breath she had left, she could feel the choloroform already drifting up her nose.

No, not like this...blow it out, yes...yes...blow...bl...

Marsters turned abruptly, and opened the interrogation room's door. Before the door even closed, he leaned his back on the far side. The cold slam shot out ready tears.

She doesn't remember...

Date:	2004-12-24 23:50
Subject:	Life Options
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	nothing

You know, sometimes, life has too many options. Sometimes I wish I could have a life laid out for me.

Sometimes I'm freaked at the words coming out of my own mouth. Freaky.

Still, I've been reminded again, that I need to think over my life. I don't know what I'm going to do, and what I'm gonna work as. Heh. Why is that? So many people already know. Can I not know the difference between reailty and dreams? Where do they occur? Cannot many dreams become reality also?

Like if I could be, I'd be a music star. Jazz/rock. Hell ya. That'd be awesome. Sing my way to the top? Perhaps. If I worked hard enough. But maybe I'd find that boring...nah.

My friend says "become a Masters of Psych Testing in the military." Rewarding? Perhaps. Fun? Perhaps. Good pay? Average. I'm scared of the military. Once you're in you're in. Heh - that's proof of a given fear. My parents told me that when I was small. Wonder...

I'd rather start a business. Maybe own my own dance club...hehe. FUN. And lots of work. LOTS of work. Franchise out, put it under a corporation. Start my own dance business. Throwing parties. Can be done. Stiff competition? Perhaps.

Or just own a business under a company. Maybe. But how's that to change the world?

Lol. Am I willing to not change the world? Yes. Am I willing to become nothing? Depends on nothing. Can I become average? By default acceptance - perhaps. Grow up, have a house, get married...ya sometime. I really dont' have a problem with that. I'm sanguine enough for that. Too much so, I fear.

So what do i wanna do? Have a business that conflicts with my morals? Heh. Or is there morals to conflict to? Can I honestly say I can have a dance business and not conflict my morals? Not if I wanna make money. LOL. That's a hoot.

So what's up with becoming a interior designer? Hard work, yes. Two job life, yes. Not that I haven't tasted it. 16 hours and a night job. But the night job was a dream come true. It was awesome, and terrible at the same time.

Or...follow robert Kiyosaki, and become a Big business owner, and later, investor. But what then? What after I retire? have a positve cashflow to no ends? Create more business? Perhaps. Manage apartmnt housing? Perhaps. Can that not be a long term goal? Yes.

How does one become more mature? By simply sitting down and writing out goals and dreams, etc.? No...anyone can do that. A mindset is necessary. Determination to work towards goals, and realizing what can and cannot be done.

That's my problem. Too many dreams. Not enough reality.

So in reality, can i live okay by any job? Yes with enough work. Logically? Chances are good...that I will succeed, and fail, and succeed again, and fail. Can this not be a learning experience?

So why the military? Am I just so scatterbrained that I cannot work without a strong structured environment? Perhaps. I can form my own structure...these past few months have proven that. Strong structure does not confine me to a life as an S or and E. I will not, cannot be a S or an E. I seemed to work well in the office stucture back home. Does that mean I become a Psych Testing Masters? Mmmm.....

Date:	2004-12-24 22:53
Subject:	X-mas is over!!! YAYAY!
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	Christmas Carols

Hooray! It's over! The program is over! Christmas is almost over! YAY!

Strange i know. But i'm tired, sleepy, and ready to stop decorating.

Date:	2004-12-23 03:41
Subject:	Sparticus
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	the blissfull nothingness of night silence

GOOD NEWS!!!!

My dear frend isn't going to die!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAY!!!!!!

No one knows or sees the near tears that fell from my eyes! But no ~ I wiped them away! Because I'm to happy!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!

So I call her, after her surgery, and she's all doped up...we talk for 3-4 minutes, but she's okay! No cancer! Whoo hoo!!! Not that things are going to be like, all hunky dory, but still...*big relived sigh of relief*

So it's 3:43 AM! I'm allowd to be happy.
I just finished watching Sparticus, the movie. Excellent movie, I must say. Something about heroic movies - I love them as a moth loves light. The question is, do I have what it takes to be like them? Dedication, desire, preseverance, and a willing to die for a cause greater than one's own?

It's entrancing. But I believe, perhaps, for a purpose...I sometimes feel I was meant to be great. Why? I don't know...maybe it's a illusion I put on. Or maybe it's some self-defining attempt of my lower brains. Maybe its my destiny - I don't know. But I do know this: I'm going to be a somebody in this life. There are too many Nobodys. Maybe not rich. Maybe not even wealthy. Maybe dirt poor. Maybe an unsung hero. Maybe insignificant to the world's eyes. Like bacteria.

Okay, maybe not bacteria.

But still. My dream.
Is it wrong to dream of greatness? Of great achievements for a cause greater than one's own glory?

Well, decorating is winding down, crunch time is coming...I have less than 48 hours to complete my decorating. We're out of snow spray...the essential pine oil is not smelling, an extra tree needs decorating, and I STILL haven't been paid...which I hope will be very soon. And tomorrow's a break day of sorts.

Had Turkish food for the second time today. Very good. Similar to the Mediterranean. Anyways, I'd best be sleeping. I have a church to decorate, papers to study, stress to stress out with, and kids to manage. Pray for me?