Blurty for two n jenn. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

Subject: pay no mind Time: 12:32 pm. Mood: depressed. Music: perfect circle.

well, at least i feel like i used to have friends.. man.. i was so happy to take a break from having a full-time job. i was so sure that i'd spend my newfound free time with friends and be having fun all day long every day. but see.. to do that, you kinda need friends.. don't get me wrong, ashley and aly, i love you guys soooo much.. but you both have jobs.. so does courtney, but i hardly hung out with her anyway.. same goes with jessy. so now i just spend time with david and his friends whenever i can go to crosby or he can come here.. but theres only so much time you can spend with your boyfriend before you need some breathing space, not to mention a little estrogen. meh, i dont know what im trying to say. i guess its my fault i dont really call anyone anymore. i just dont feel like anyone wants me around. sometimes when i try to call people, i feel like im bothering them because they normally always have plans, and never call me back to make other plans for a different day. i dont even get im's anymore. thats sad. i used to talk to like 28932038 people at the same time, and id always get at least 10 messages left on my away message. now its been about.. 0.. for the past.. 2 months? yeah, go me. im getting cabin fever, being trapped here in my room for such long periods of time. whenever i try to venture out to either the living room or kitchen, i have to make it quick before i get caught up in another family feud filled with endless drama. so i just sleep. ive slept so much lately that i feel like ive been living more in my dreams than in real life. thats unhealthy. i feel unhealthy. i want to go out and exercise but i dont have the energy. i feel like im in a rut that i cant get out of. its like i dug my way into here and forgot the ladder. i need to start on scholarship essays. ive had so much time to do them and i never feel like it. i probably never will, its just gonna be a matter of being forced to do it by my dad. shows how motivated i am. oh yeah ill do great in college, sure thing. what i really need is a job. when i had it, i complained so much.. but you know, ironically, it actually kept me happy. it kept me busy, out of the house, and always in a social atmosphere. plus i had that money thing.. which is quite nice.. extremely nice once you dont have it anymore. ive tried, ive filled out applications and have been calling people who were supposedly going to hook me up and stuff.. i guess im not trying hard enough, or its just my tough luck and no one's hiring. also, its kinda funny.. back when i was happily employed, days off were wonderful. i actually made something of them most of the time, and it felt like i had soo much time in a day because it wasnt spent working. whatever happened to that? what happened to my life? god. i hate myself for throwing a gigantic pity party, but a journals the only thing i can take all this crap out on.

3 | i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: an update, at last Time: 8:01 pm. Mood: stressed. Music: type o negative.

It's the New Year, plus Ash told me to update.. so I'm updating.. and i haven't in decades, so here. well, today was the last day sam goody was open. theres nothing left in the store now. tomorrows my last day, our clean up day and such.. and then its no more.. siigh. its really sad.. ive been there since august 18, 2002. almost a freaking year and a half, its sad to see it go. buuuuut everything happens for a reason, hopefully something good will come out of this. maybe i needed something new anyway? we'll see i suppose. and soon, i dont wanna be without $ for too long. i hope everybodys holidays were really good. my christmas was alright, nothing special. mostly just got $, which is always good.. that way i can get what i actually want and will actually use. familys not always so great about getting you gifts you like. so moneys good. yup yup. not that id complain anyway. :) new years eve..err.. last night.. yeah that was good. except for the um.. puking. heh. oh well, the prices you pay. it was still fun =) a little update on college.. i got my first acceptance letter a couple days ago, from University of TX at Arlington.. and i got my sat scores back, 1140. really not as good as i had hoped at all (i do suck at tests tho, big time), but its good enough for the universities based on my ranks too, so according to their requirements, I'll be accepted into Uni of North TX and TX State at San Marcos as well. The only ones I'm unsure of is UT at Austin and A&M.. the bigger schools, of course. and I don't even really think I wanna go to A&M. So meh.. I wanna take tours of all of them before I decide. Road trip, anyone? :) man.. i really miss all my friends. i hope not working at sam goody anymore will give me more free time to spend with all of you. i feel like ive completely lost touch with the world. only person ive really been seeing is david, and i love him and all but i miss my friends too. call me or something.. yeah. :) or ill call you. or.. we'll.. call eachother. uhh huh. normally around new years i write a longass entry about the highlights of the past year.. or like the top 10 best things and the top 10 worst. i'll try to do that again but man, i dont know how well my memory will serve me. best- -getting promoted -my 17th bday at kemah -everyones bday parties and such -vegas was pretty cool -jessys party in june! -the good times with turtle, tom, aly, ash, everybody -david and everything hes shown me and opened me eyes to -the concerts i did get to go to -homecoming :) worst- -grandpa dying -sam goody closing -fights with turtle and all the heartbreak that came with it -the whole surgery thing -missing reel big fishs tour after waiting for a year -not seeing my friends hardly at all -all the stress and annoyances sam goody brought -fighting with my mom, dealing with her husband -my brothers suicide attempts -getting my license on a probation-suspension dealie, resulting in my absolute paranoia of cops -getting grounded for most of the summer and losing my parents trust .. that sucked a whole shitload -that fight with courtney -missing an assload of good concerts -having the most painful experience of my life getting sunburned at warped tour and having my eye puffy and swollen almost shut in time for vegas most interesting- -being an eyewitness on the stand in court against the robber guy yeahh.. wasnt an entirely great year. looking back on all my journal entries, it looks like i was unhappy for most of it. but maybe i just wrote entries when i was unhappy. you never really have the desire to write when youre happy, ya know? cause you dont have anything you really need to vent. but i dont resent or regret anything. that years over with. 2004 is gonna be awesome.. yes. it has to be.

i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Time: 9:16 pm. Mood: calm. Music: oasis.

As of right now, I'm eating as much candy and drinking as much Dr Pep as I can before it hits midnight. After that, not even a sip of water can I take. Surgery's at 12, have to be there at 10:30.. have to leave at 9:30, therefore wake up at 8:30. God damnit. Oh well, at least they're putting me out for the surgery. That's always nice. I wonder if I'll get some morphine? They said it'll be painful and I'll be bleeding for a few days. OH JOY! And if you haven't heard, I'm moving up in the world. I just got promoted to Assistant Manager, and even though it's only for another 2 months, a) it's a pay raise and b) it'll look great on resumes. Asst Manager at 17. Boo-yah! Man.. I go from crappy part-timer with crappy pay and crappy hours, to part-timer with crappy pay and good hours, to part-timer with ok pay and good hours, to 3rd key with great pay and great hours, to fuckin asst manager with everything plus a couple benefits. I'm not bragging, I'm merely gloating. School is goin okay, I'm not doing as great as I had anticipated this past summer. High B's wasn't what I expected at all.. I was positive I'd get all high A's. It's just my job, man. If I didn't need sleep, I'd be doing great. /sigh. Oh well, I think I'll be okay. On our slow days, I can do my homework at work. That rocks. :D Love is intoxicating. That's the best word I can think of to describe it. It's the best thing ever. Now I understand the REAL meaning and can REALLY relate to all those love songs, all those movies, everything that everyone talks about that I always figured was just a blown up exaggeration of caring about someone. I fell fast, and I fell hard, and kind of head-over-heels so far that my head kind of ended up in my ass, BUT! everything's been fine so far, great in fact, so I don't think it's rushing it. Everything just fell into place. And I feel like.. I feel like I'm high. That's why it's intoxicating. It makes you feel unreal.. euphoric. The best advice I have to give to any of you is to stop waiting for it to happen, stop expecting it.. because the more you think about it and wish for it, the less likely it'll come. I had just accepted being single and stopped bitching about not having a boyfriend and stuff.. I hadn't thought about it in a long time, I just wanted to have fun and live life. It was a natural progression, I didn't conciously even force myself to stop. And then, all of a sudden, it just fell into my lap. I'm not trying to rub it in anyone's face or anything, this is just my journal and I'm writing down how I feel. It's weird for me too, I don't know who really gets it. I had been single for almost as long as I've been working at Sam Goody --- Thats a LONG ASS TIME. But I'm ready to play the game.. Back in the saddle again, boys. Yeeee-haw. On a different note, I'm on good terms with all family members.. and that's a big feat. It's probably because I don't get to see them much, therefore leaving no room to argue or even have reason to argue.. but everything just feels peaceful and loving and it feels 'homey'. So yeah, the only unhappy factor in my life is my situation with my friends. In another 7-8 months, we'll all be splitting up, going to different colleges, probably losing touch, etc. I don't want to have to leave on bad terms with friends I've had for years. I mean, jeez. Courtney and I go back 5 years.. and just because we've both changed and grown in opposite directions, things got sour. 5 years ago, I never would have thought this would happen to us.. but it's happened with me and a lot of friends. The only thing I can really do about it is try and patch up what I can, not by kissing ass or lying or faking, just by gently telling the truth and trying to mend broken hearts because of broken friendships. Yeah, he knows who he is. I can't really do too much there though, just wait for him to come around if he's going to at all. I really would hate to have to leave Houston without ever patching things up, though. I think I'd always regret that. I guess we'll just see. That's all you can ever really do. I haven't posted in a long time, so I deserve to have a long ass post that I didn't lj-cut for your convenience, so you could keep scrolling on your friends page. I am making you scroll further and futher. BAHAHAHAHHA! Ugh. Surgery's gonna suck balls. No make-up, jewelry, or even lotion.. but even if I see someone I know, I don't have to worry about being embarassed because they won't even recognize me. :) They'll just walk by and shudder, thinking "Oh GOD that girl needs some help, some make-up or SOMETHING" Mmmm-hmmm, yuuuup. Okay, wish me luck.

1 | i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: a nightmare.. :/ Time: 7:39 am. Mood: scared. Music: fan blades.

jesus.. what a way to wake up i finally remember a dream. its kind of hard to forget what i just dreamt though. earlier parts of it had to do with a superbowl turning sideways and all the football players crashing together, trying not to fall off (kind of like falling off the titanic when it was sinking sideways) and they hated eachother and fought.. but they had to work together and by the end they were all friends.. all the other people had left but they had stayed, they made it. then for some reason jack was in the picture. and he pulled everyone together. he became the leader and told everyone how to get the superbowl turned rightside up. we all had to run across the field at different times to get it to balance. everyone listened to him, and when he said go, they went. and for some reason, i didn't run. he got so mad. everyone got so mad. why didn't i run when he told me to? i had WANTED to run.. but i couldn't. he gave me another chance, and i ran, but it was hard to make myself. i only did it half-assed.. but it was hard. like running through deep water. so i left. i went to hot topic and started working there, taking over while jack was gone. he said i had to get numbers. i was writing on a clipboard how the store looked. a lady came up and asked me about getting a manager position, i told her what she had was fine.. a high degree, of some sort, almost a phd. i told her no one else had that, so she'd be fine. she didnt believe me? i dont know. buuuuuuuuut then the bad part comes in. then im at school. im walking down the hall in the morning and theater kids walk by, hand in hand. the one closest to me is janelle. shes wearing what she did at homecoming. shes reciting something, and the last thing she says i say something back to make a bad joke or something. it made sense in the dream, but it doesn't now, because it was "J... 5!" bleh. anyway. she bumped into me and walked off. later that day we end up walking next to eachother again, and she asked if i had heard what she said after that, if i even listened. i said no. and i dont remember what she said, but it had made sense, basically made me feel like an asshole.. like she wasn't the bitch for dumping me, i was the bitch for making her. i choke, trying not to cry. then im walking with courtney.. to a car, to watch either a movie or a final episode of something, something we had been looking forward to for a long time. she looked at me with sad eyes and said "remember how this day seemed so far off? how we used to talk about it and think it would never happen, because we were so young? i can't believe its already here" and it was. everything else was over, it had already gone by. and here i am, walking with courtney, whom ive grown so far apart from i dont even know anymore, to the end. who used to be my best friend. janelle, who used to be my best friend. i choke, trying not to cry. then as we walk by we see aly's mom's car with her sister waiting in the back. aly's coming too, coming somewhere. or her mom's getting her to go somewhere. and i realize my time with her's done too. we're all going to leave, and everything we have here is going to be gone. i keep choking.. i wake up crying. crying hard. i keep crying, cause i keep thinking about what the dream meant. i know what it meant. this is all going to be over soon, we'll graduate and leave eachother and everything that made us happy here will just be memories we'll desperately try to remember with what pictures we have. but here i am, going to graduate, and with broken friendships. friends i couldnt even keep until graduation. i had to screw up somehow. and in the dream i felt regret, and resentment towards myself. but i wake up crying, about everything ive lost, and everything im about to lose. and i thought i was happy? i cant say it was just a nightmare, cause it meant something.. i had been burying all those feelings deeper and deeper and finally they all flood out while i can't control it, in my sleep. but it went past that, making me remember, and cry. like i was really in the dream. ugh. its gonna be hard starting the day off like this.

i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: its beautiful somewhere Time: 12:37 pm. Mood: content. Music: yellowcard..again..mmhmm.

Y'know, I used to have the courage to just tell any guy I thought he was hot (I mean in person) and ask for his number. I didn't give a fuck; if he said yes, awesome, if not, oh well. And I still hold to that and everything, but my face burns up SO badly now and I can't get it to stop. It sucks! I'll try and talk to em and everything, but if they flirt back, I blush to the point of TRUE embarassment. This happened to me twice yesterday. Guh. "Everythings gonna be alright." Yeah, probably most overused phrase.. in songs, or conversations, or even those advice books that they try to get you to buy. And I never really believed it, because once something bad got better, something ELSE would happen and it was just a neverending cycle of misery. .. But.. I believe it now. It's weird. I mean, you have to make it happen. You can't just lay back and wait for things to get better, but they do. And you'd think I'd be saying the opposite. Sam Goody's shutting down in a week, I might lose my job if this new company doesn't want me, no other company would pay me as much, plus it just sucks cause I loved it. Then, on Monday I have a dr appointment that could turn out to be either REALLY bad or really good, depending on the test results.. the anxiety is really annoying. I could think of more, but what's the point in making myself feel worse? Anyway, yeah.. despite all that crap, I feel awesome. This is what it's like to be happy in a world that's not. I just wish I could help everyone else feel this way too. feel free to take that as "cool, i wanna hang out with jen, cause she'll make me feel better!" followed by calling me and actually hanging out. chyeah.

1 | i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: you really bounce on 2 hours of sleep, im tellin ya Time: 12:33 pm. Mood: bored. Music: southbase.

( But this makes me cool. ) well that took a good half hour. umm yay.

1 | i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: if you have time.. Time: 11:51 pm. Mood: thoughtful. Music: perfect circle.

My job just got SO MUCH BETTER!!! ( And this is why. ) I'm also on my way to a better edumacashion.( No, really, I am. ) And that's enough about that. There's so much running through my head right now about so many different things. The most prominent one right now is about time. My friend Thad told me last night, "Time is just an illusion. It's a logical process our brain follows." It seems like such an easy explanation, but I just never thought of it that way. I just always complained, mostly silently to myself, about how time went too fast and even if I enjoyed every moment of the good times, they'd be gone before I even got to savor it. Even with that said, I still live in the past. I try to live in the now, but the now comes too quickly. But, I thought about it a lot today, and I think I've come to a happy medium. I still wear a watch, but time really doesn't mean anything. It hardly even exists. Saying "I'll live in the now and enjoy it" is one thing, DOING it is another. And I'm doing it. If you don't even think about the passing of time, it's like it never even passes.. because before you know it, you're doing the same thing again. You'll have to say goodbye to someone, but in a matter of no time (no pun intended) you'll see them again. Two weeks ago feels like two seconds ago. That's how it always is and always will be. You change, but it all just kind of flows together to where you feel almost completely together. Not always, you need the right perspective.. and that isn't always easy to get.. but that feeling of togetherness is pretty nice when it comes. as rare as it is. I felt it for about five seconds today. Or what felt like five seconds. It could be five minutes.. hours.. they've passed already, so it doesn't matter now does it? If you've read this, you've spent about 5 minutes of your life reading something you'll forget in 5 days. But right now.. NOW, it might mean something. At least it does to me.

i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: Why do people like yardwork? Time: 2:12 pm. Mood: happy. Music: godsmack.

Ha, good to know. Rockstars can't get away with EVERYTHING.. just most of it: Ms Love (for those of you who haven't heard, you know, if you live under a rock) If she tries to get sympathy from us about Kurt's death to rationalize her drug addiction, and apparently kleptomania, she won't get it. At least not from me. Let her stay in there. Jesus, I hate how they all think they're so invincible. Every day you hear a different story about another superstar getting off easy from a federal offense. Theft. Drugs. Abuse. Murder. *Ahem Rappers Ahem* Well folks, you can get away with these too. Just pay your way out of it. Anyway. My car is in the shop.. yes.. AGAIN. Jesus. It's all under warranty and everything, since it's the same fucking thing they were supposed to have fixed 2 weeks ago. But still, we did pay them to FIX it. They better do it right this time. I hate being without a vehicle for 2 days. *Shakes fist* Today's a great day and I don't really have an answer as to why. Weather's been absolutely gorgeous lately, maybe it's lifted my mood some.. plus the fact that it's a Friday. I work all weekend, but STILL. Man.. suck. All work and no play. I wanna play. .. But I'm still in a good mood! Hoorah. Annnnd I'm hungry. Mmm, food.

2 | i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: breathing Time: 3:55 am. Mood: uncomfortable. Music: yellowcard.

How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done? I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away Damn. Sometimes lyrics just say it all.

i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: We're goiinng to the ..court.. of looove Time: 11:09 am. Mood: excited. Music: youuu gotta have faith, faith, faith.

So, I just got officially sepina'ed. I have no idea how to spell that.. Anyway. Yeah, a cop or someone (hopefully I don't have to ride in the back of a cop car, although it is funny to see the looks on peoples faces when they turn around and see you staring at them) is gonna pick me up around 12:30 and I'm guessing we go straight to court. I have no idea how long this is going to last, but I bet it's gonna be boring. Having to get up on the stand is going to be cool though. I've never been to a trial before! And I get to be a star! .. kind of. Ha, that'd be cool if I get to point at him and go "THAT'S THE MAN WHO ROBBED ME!" and the entire court room will gasp. .. Ok, so that won't happen, but STILL. Man, it'd be even cooler if I got paid to do this. It is an inconvenience ya know, I was supposed to work at 2 today so I'll probably end up being late a few hours. So.. pay me for my lost work time damnit! That guy stole $500, take some of his.. or all of his. :) Haha this feels weird. Being excited about going to court.. It's probably because I'm not the one on trial, and I get to contribute to making his life a living hell in jail =D Well he deserves it. Don't point a gun in my face and threaten me and expect a happy face and forgiveness from me. Pshhh. Hmm I don't know what to wear. They were going to pick me up at the school at 1, but seeing as how I got out at 10:52 today they gotta get me at home. It's a good thing too, cause I wore vinyl pants to school today and I don't think that'd go over well in court. :) In other news.. aw shit I don't have other news. Well this was exciting enough. YES IT WAS, SHUT UP. love me? (ahem, comment).

5 | i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: i'm sinking like a stone in the sea Time: 6:58 pm. Mood: sore. Music: brand new.

Why do I feel the most confused about who I am when I'm supposed to be finally figuring things out? I'm a senior and I feel like a sophomore. Everyone treats me like I am one, too. What's with that? Do I really look that young? Guh, everyone seems to think so. Well suck it, I'll be 18 in 7 months. .. that's exciting and scary at the same time. I just need to get my act together.. but it'd be easier if I knew how. Oh yeah, so like.. I've made some quasi-friends from Blurty, through other friends and friends of friends and now we're on eachother's friends list. But whenever I see any of you in the halls you guys don't say anything. Well Cessna does, thanks Jason. lol. But c'mon guys, I don't bite in real life. =P Missed Northstar & Rufio. Biiiig surprise. *sigh* Man, it doesn't suck as much as missing Senses Fail and then Brand New, but I'm still disappointed. If for some reason I can't go to Thrice and Thursday I WILL shoot someone, and I don't care if they're an innocent little emo kid or what. EVEN BETTER MWAHAHAHA I sooo suck at this motivation thing. I NEED to finish these fucking college essays man. Augh I hate it. HATE HATE HATE. I wish I could just skip all this and become a.... ROCKSTAR! then I'd be rich and stuff and could afford any college I wanted to go to. I probably wouldn't even have to go to college, but I think I'd want to. I don't like being ignorant. Hmmm.. I know what I'll do. I'll MARRY a...ROCKSTAR.. that way I'll have a hot talented husband with lots of money in the bank. Chyeah. Nate is MINEE. Hey be proud, I'm riding my bike again! Jenn exercising? GASP! But tis true! I got mad though, my cd player would skip on every single bump so I couldn't listen to my music. :( I got to laugh at these 8 year old skateboarders though, that was fun. They fell on their ass and I laughed. Yep. And.. I almost got run over about 52 times. People suck, especially soccer moms in their SUV's. They just don't pay attention, I think. They're too .. retarded. Grrrr. Tomorrow I have the SAT prep class all day :( and then work like 2 hours later. But.. at least Sunday will be good!!! :) can't waiiittt! heart heart aly :D ONE LAST THING. This is it, really. Ok. Stop making stupid Jewish jokes. It makes you sound SOOOOOOOO stupid. I don't care if I've talked about this before. You're all still stupid if you think saying "That's so Jewish" is funny. It just makes you sound like an ignorant fuck, just like saying "that's gay, he's gay, what a fag". There's plenty of other ways to insult people, be creative assgnomes. (See?)

11 | i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: oh jesus Time: 6:47 am. Mood: exhausted.

i just had a dream that i was the heroic leader type and i was responsible for my 5 team members or something.. and 2 of them died in my arms.. and i was crying so hard.. the hardest i've ever cried.. i knew these people too, i mean i know them in real life, but i don't know why i'd dream about them because we're not that close. it was weird. but it's like, you know how when you cry that hard, you're exhausted afterward? that's what i feel like. like it actually had that kind of emotional toll on me. but i had done what i had to do, after they died i had to let them go and remember my other team mates.. i had to move on, as sad as i was. maybe that's the message.

1 | i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Time: 4:30 pm. Mood: loved.

I'm doooooooooone with you, you've obviously been done with me for quite some time. Buh bye! ANYWAY. Hi world. Here I am. The world.. well.. the world around me is beautiful today. Absolutely gorgeous. and it has been since the sun rose.. yeah, ha, I've been up for that long. Man, days like this just make you feel better about life. You know what's worth living for, more than anything else? True friends who are there for you when you need them the most, and who you can be there for when they need you back. That kind of friendship's more precious than solid gold. You all know who you are, and I thank you with all of my heart. I looove you all. To be more cyberly correct, "<3333333333333 x 323482309857983509243982034980". [insert aim kissy face]

3 | i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Subject: where are you when i need you around? Time: 11:46 pm. Mood: blah. Music: smashing pumpkins.

( this is actually a good one ) ah that was fun. *yawn*. sleepy time?

i swear i'd treat you like a queen

Blurty for two n jenn. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.