---->Menchi-ified!----> if you're going to eat me please do it quickly.... {in your hungered eyes.... how does this body look?} [ {hungry?} | excel saga! ] [ {hungry?} | about me! ] [ {hungry?} | calendar! ]

friends cut! =( [14 Aug 2003|04:46pm] Sorry to the people I cut, but either you rarely or never commented, or I just didn't feel like we had a connection. No hard feelings. Just please remove me from your friends list, and we can all get on with our lives. ;) If you want a second chance of course comment and stuff. SORRY REALLY BUT I HAD TO DO THIS, IT WAS TIME! ashinfulleffect drainedsoul falsehopes matildalivewoom redpunk {3} I've known since that day The reason you came to me

^_^ Friends Only ^_^ [06 May 2003|08:59pm] [ mood | okay ] I have decided to make my journal friends only. Ummm there isn't any real reason, I just kinda wanna know who is going to be reading my journal, without having to worry about people I don't want reading it stumbling across my journal. I just have two things to ask of you, person reading this: 1. If you aren't already on my friends list, and you know, you want to be or anything, please leave a comment, add me, and I'll most likely add you back. Comment every once in a while, as I will comment on your journal. 2. If you are already on my friends list, please comment like, when you update your journal....or at least once a week....or something. I need it to feel loved. And considering how much I post on your journals.....well yeah. Thankyou, *.::Nicole::.* {21} I've known since that day The reason you came to me

help me! [13 Apr 2003|12:09pm] [ mood | distressed ] argh. I have that incredible urge to spend spend spend moolah. And I do have plenty of that. However, that is because I am saving up for Paint Shop Pro. I have like 3 or 4 more weeks allowance or something and I can get it. I don't want to spend. But I do......It would be helpful right now if someone could like, tie me down or something (not in a sexual way thankyou). {1} I've known since that day The reason you came to me

whoa I must be a loser [12 Apr 2003|10:03pm] [ mood | dorky ] I've spent all day doing this. See here Ha ha, I am SO addicted to making websites, and you know what, I think I suck at it too! And The Fanlistings Network, I am addicted to that. And I also spent many hours of the day watching Queer as Folk with my aunt. Which, BTW, Gale Harold is SO sexy! Especially when he is kissing other men. I was all flustered watching it. MAJOR lust going on. Seriously. Man, I could eat him! Couldn't you? (if you don't know who he is BTW, my user icon is a pic of him) So, my point with this is, I am a loser. But it's all good. {1} I've known since that day The reason you came to me

Look into my eyes - you will see, what you mean to me [11 Apr 2003|09:17pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Everything I Do by Bryan Adams ] I'm home on a Friday, and almost no one else is home, and I feel like such a loser, a loser who has no friends, because they all do stuff on the weekends and very few of them EVER ask me to do anything. I'm in a really bad place this week. You know what else, Patti is really I mean REALLY a bitch now. I was actually appalled at her behavior today, I'm thinking, "What fucking right do you have to treat me the way you just did bitch?" But I didn't say anything. But, whoa, damn, she is really mean and completely out of line now. Romantic music is not good to listen to when you're depressed. I love this song, especially this part. Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for. You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for. You know it's true, Everything I do - I do it for you. Well, I like someone else now, and it's all really confusing because I don't really find him attractive and we are so very different. My mom thinks he likes me. But no one ever likes me. Except Jason, but that scares me so it doesn't count. ::sigh:: But I still love Zach, of course. I love him. What can you do to make yourself stop loving a person? I dunno. The reason you came to me

When I am straightforward, my whole body shakes [06 Apr 2003|10:59pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Follow Me by PNAU ] It's kinda wierd. I am VERY straightforward. I think, well I know, that it bothers some people. I want to, and expect to, hear the truth, and I will always do the same. Well, this IS leading somewhere.....though it often doesn't with me, I'm very good at ranting. I did it again.....and I hope he's being completely honest with me.....I told Zach what I needed to get off my chest....and so this is how the convo went. LuV mY oRpHeUs: hello Zam2121988: hi LuV mY oRpHeUs: waz up? Zam2121988: nm Zam2121988: wassup w/ u? LuV mY oRpHeUs: ehh I dunno........nothing important i guess LuV mY oRpHeUs: How was your weekend? Zam2121988: it was ok, boring but, ok LuV mY oRpHeUs: yeah LuV mY oRpHeUs: me too LuV mY oRpHeUs: Are you busy? Zam2121988: nope Zam2121988: but i'm gonna leave at like 10:45 LuV mY oRpHeUs: ok LuV mY oRpHeUs: We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic cords of memory will swell when again touched as surely they will be by the better angels of our nature LuV mY oRpHeUs: Eden sent me that, isn't that nice? Zam2121988: yea Zam2121988: she wrote that?!? LuV mY oRpHeUs: no she's quoting Abraham Lincoln.....I'm so inspiring though.....:-D Zam2121988: lmoa Zam2121988: *lmao Zam2121988: it is good thought Zam2121988: *though LuV mY oRpHeUs: yeah LuV mY oRpHeUs: Can I ask you something? Zam2121988: sure LuV mY oRpHeUs: well actually a couple things.....first, why is it that you can talk to me online but not on the phone? Zam2121988: i can rarely have real convos on the fone Zam2121988: second? Zam2121988: ...? LuV mY oRpHeUs: Are you being honest with me? Cuz honestly, I remember (and i doubt I am that crazy that I would be having dillusions) before I told you......a couple hour long conversations, online AND on the phone with you. I myself hate talking on the phone and am not good with it, but we seemed to do well then.....answer that and..... Zam2121988: still, i'm more comfortable online Zam2121988: brb in like 1 minute Zam2121988: k LuV mY oRpHeUs: second would be....Are you as uncomfortable around me as i am around Jason? If so, why? (being that I don't like confess my undying love to you like he does to me lol) as a matter of fact I feel as though I don't act any different around you........Do you think I act differently? How so? Or is it just you? Either way......what is it going to take for this to be different like it was before or just plain different.....because in many ways this doesn't feel like friendship to me, does it to you? LuV mY oRpHeUs: Please answer all of those questions LuV mY oRpHeUs: I coulkd be a lawyer.....:-D LuV mY oRpHeUs: or a psychiatrist Zam2121988: i don't feel different about you or act differently (conciously) around you, i don't hink you act differently either per-se, i just think the friendship has chinged, why? i dunno Zam2121988: it feels like a weak friendship, yes LuV mY oRpHeUs: What do you think makes it a weak friendship? How does one change such a thing, would you say......I would say if you were in my position, but then you're part of this friendship too Zam2121988: i honestly don't know, i think at this point things are weak, maybe it'll come around, maybe it won't Zam2121988: i can't say, i don't know what one of us can DO Zam2121988: Zam2121988: it's 10:45 LuV mY oRpHeUs: I suppose I can agree, however, psychologically, we both obviously have.....I don't know if issues is the right word......with each other. Now as Mr Paveglio said when you like someone, the mirror will eventually break.....well it's broken and I've begun to move on.....but I still love you....however as a friend. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't that honestly what this all leads back to? Things WERE going fine before, if you don't remember I do. When I am completely over you......where will you stand? And where will we stand? LuV mY oRpHeUs: ok you can go......after this question.....do you completely dislike how straightforward I can be? Zam2121988: i think thing will resolve themselves at that point Zam2121988: no Zam2121988: i like the straightforeward LuV mY oRpHeUs: I will know it, will you know it when it comes? LuV mY oRpHeUs: ok good Zam2121988: it makes things easier LuV mY oRpHeUs: it bothers some people Zam2121988: yes, i'll know it Zam2121988: ttyl LuV mY oRpHeUs: I hope you do......bye Zam2121988: namaste LuV mY oRpHeUs: adios BTW I am Luvmyorpheus....if you didn't already catch that. ;) Well.......I know Kara as usual won't be commenting, though I would like it but I can't expect much from her anymore now can I? But, well, any of you out there....What do you think of this conversation? Be brutally honest.....if you must. *Follow Me by PNAU* *Follow me.....we'll take it one step at a time....you and me....we'll make it further down the line.....distantly....intertwined.....follow me....we'll take it one step at a time.....step into these shoes of mine....* {5} I've known since that day The reason you came to me

nightmare.... [06 Apr 2003|03:22pm] [ mood | freaked out ] [ music | Escapar (spanish lol!) by Enrique Iglesias ] I had the worst fucking dream ever.....it's like a nightmare for me seriously.... For whatever reason Zach was famous, and like one day him and Lauren come over to my house. And being that I haven't hung out with Lauren in like forever, I'm thinking "this is strange, what's going on?" Well, they are both at my house with their parents...and they are all like eating my food like pretzels and drinks and finally I just stop everyone and I say, "What's going on?" And Lauren and Zach sad smile at me....a pity smile. And I'm like, "No seriously, what's up?" And I turn to my mom and she has that same smile of pity on her face, and she says something like I didn't want to tell you or something....and then she opens up People magazine and there is a picture of Zach and Lauren like totally going at it making out and shit, and they are like, "We're going out..."and in my dream my face just went ashen and my heart was breaking....Then I woke up like seriously freaked out. That is so fucking scary! I mean, it's sorta obvious what it means but there has to be some symbolism to all of it, I'd like to know....but damn, I'm still really shaken bt that. The reason you came to me

You know who I don't like? People.... [06 Apr 2003|03:00am] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne ] I don't like people. They're icky. I think I will probably grow up to be one of those scary insane old recluses....screaming obscenities.....running after children with a pitchfork (is that what it's called?).....30 cats.....yeah.....that's what I'll do..... ::smiles dreamily:: The reason you came to me

emptiness [05 Apr 2003|08:48pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | Bookends by Simon & Garfunkel ] The dance.....is something I really don't want to talk about. Maybe eventually. It was, to say the least, eye-opening. I will talk to my counselor about it.... Well, I took Mr Gay's advice, finally, and called Zach. I mean, I am bored out of my fucking mind, I haven't talked to him in like 2 weeks, he said he'd tell me about Florida, and I wanted to know what he got on the Shakespeare essay. I mean, I told him I'd call him earlier....after I gave him the condensed version of my predicament from the dance. So I did.....the obvious nervousness about calling him, combined with the fact that I am nervous about and hate calling anyone, made it very difficult. But I did. And I tried. I asked him how Florida was....I could tell already at the beginning of the conversation that he did not want to be talking to me....and I asked him specific questions about Florida to try to get him to just open up and TALK. It was just so bad, he was just so uncomfortable. He may have even been as uncomfortable with me as I am with Jason. I don't get it, I am not as bad as Jason is....I don't preach my undying love to him and I am as normal as ever around him. So I said I'd see him Monday (I probably won't and that would make him more than happy) and then I hung up, and promptly started hitting the phone against a chair. God, I can't stand this. I think now I need to call Amanda, not necessarily to tell her about this but to talk to someone who is unconditionally comfortable with me, even with all the shit we've been through and even though we really never see each other anymore. But I also want to call him....(you'd think I'd just stop here, wouldn't you, but that's just not me, I'm too straightforward...)I want to ask, is he as uncomfortable around me as I am around Jason, does he remember how we seemed to be becoming friends, talking for hours before I told him, and what does he think I should do about this.....Does he not want us to be friends, and either way, will this horrid situation ever end? I'm dying, I can't handle this anymore, and I don't know what to do. The reason you came to me

What a wierd night, I don't know what to do.... [05 Apr 2003|12:33am] [ mood | exhausted ] It was just strange. Sigh. I could and will say a lot, but as you can see, it is already past midnight and I am tired, so I will say more tomorrow I guess. The reason you came to me

Why am I so stupid? [04 Apr 2003|12:40pm] [ mood | better off dead ] WHY?? I mean, A, I go in for over an hour of Algebra help and I just can't understand these fucking word problems at all. Who gives a shit about Chuck stone throwing his ball in the air and into a well, and how fast does it fall and how high is the platform he's standing on, or whatever?? Not me certainly! And so like I had to leave the fucking word problem blank cuz I had no clue what I was doing. Word problems suck. Algebra can go suck my ass! (I know that doesn't make sense but still!) Well, also WHY IN THE WORLD did I agree to go to the fucking Military Ball? My life is over OVER I TELL YOU! OMG Christine told me we have to walk under the swords....and ::sob:: that they are going to announce our names to the world....::sob:: and OMG everyone is going to think that I am going out with Jason.... ::shudder:: ::barf:: EWWW, I am litterally going to crawl in a hole and die if people think that I am going out with him. And my mother and Christine, they think this is just SO hilarious....but it's not. Shoot me, PLEASE!!! The reason you came to me

Finals.... [03 Apr 2003|02:13pm] [ mood | indescribable ] Well, the only final I have left now is my Algebra final tomorrow. I got an 80% on me Global History final, and the Spanish final was muy muy facil! The English-Tale of Two Cities final was bullshit if you ask me but I still probably got a low A or high B, and of our 5 major grades, I know that three of them are A's....so maybe I'll get an A in that class! (I can always hope, it's possible!) And I stayed after for help for the Algebra final so hopefully I will do well or terrific preferably on that one. Well, I just got home a while ago, and I had a message from my aunt Janice and I feel really bad because I called her to pick me up and I went out a little late and she wasn't there. Her message said she had come and I wasn't out there...so yeah, I feel really bad about that. I guess I have to call and apologize. Well, that was my day. Thrilling ain't it? {2} I've known since that day The reason you came to me

I just don't know anymore.... [02 Apr 2003|10:12pm] [ mood | sad ] I almost forgot that we started finals and everything today. It was bad. We had our Global History final and I started and I'm all like, this is easy....and then it got really hard. I fucking hate Mr Paveglio's tests....I could study my ass off or not study at all and it pretty much doesn't make a difference, I get a crappy grade no matter what. And Spanish final is kinda hard, and I feel stupid cuz Christine and David told me it was the easiest fucking thing they've ever done. Oh well. I hate my friends. I tried so hard to be friends with everybody, and all I ended up doing was being friends with everybody....and good friends with no one. I have no one to turn to, no one I can depend on no matter what....and it hurts a lot. It's always...."Oh, Amanda/Kara/Eden/Joey/Patti/Zach/Lauren/Sami/Maria/Christine/Aneesa would you like to hang out?" "oh no, I already have plans with (enter any name other than mine)" Well, Have any of you ever thought when you are making plans, perhaps you could ask me? I can't possibly be that boring/bitchy/spoiled/obsessive/whatever that you can NEVER wanna hang out with me. Or maybe I can be. At least, that's how I feel.....WORTHLESS. I don't even wanna try to have friends anymore. They are all ALL hurting me so bad. Just so all of you know, I haven't been in counseling for over 2 years.....then this BS with all of you, and I feel so worthless, like there is something terribly wrong with me. And now I'm in counseling again. Thankyou. As I said before, my friends are such beautiful people....I hate them all. I can't blame them for everything....but damn, the collective way I am treated by this group of people....I think I can blame them some. They must not even realize what they are doing to me....but my friends....are killing me inside. {2} I've known since that day The reason you came to me

Maybe I'll try and have courage...I mean, it's normal to call your friends isn't it? [02 Apr 2003|05:54pm] [ mood | lonely ] I EXPECT AN ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION BTW...... I wanna call him I haven't talked to him this week cuz as I said he is only hanging out with his blonde little twink, his own personal boy toy....no I don't know that but it IS an interesting thought... ;) I wanna hear how Florida was, and I wanna hear his voice and his laugh. I want to believe for one minute that things are okay. I want to have the courage to call him, because I am his friend and he is mine (I think) and that is what friends do. {2} I've known since that day The reason you came to me

If he's making out with that blonde twink in the stairwell.... [02 Apr 2003|05:41pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | still LSD ] Yeah, I think my subject says all I need to say for now. I don't think it's the truth but it's still an interesting possibility.... I just miss something I can't quite identify. Or maybe I just don't want to. I'm stupid. It's annoying. The reason you came to me

Goodbye Spring Break, Hello Finals [31 Mar 2003|03:48pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Lake Shore Drive (LSD!) by Alliotta Haynes Jeremiah ] Well, today was the first day back at school after Spring Break. I didn't do as bad on my math test as I thought but I still did really badly....I got like a 73%. And I have a B in Global History and I'm mad, cuz I wanted my grades to get better this term but clearly that's not going to happen. Oh well. Life sux, what can you do? Maybe I'll do REALLY well on finals....yeah, like that's going to happen. The reason you came to me

I could say so much right now but I think I've already fucked up pretty badly [29 Mar 2003|10:33pm] [ mood | blah ] hmm well it seems most are back from their vacations, David and Jess are back, lucky Jess got to go to Cancun and she was prolly drunk half the time. ;) She better have gotten me something! lol! Well David is now obsessed with DDR which is totally cool, cuz no one else would ever do that with me except Jason...and ya know issues, plus like he'd jump off a bridge if I wanted him to. Well, maybe not that extreme...but....yeah. David is such a nice guy. Like he kinda stuck up for me and shit after Ryan was being such an ass, and he's like a total loser and he doesn't care, and I love that. He's himself, and that seems to be a rare quality lately. He isn't a bullshitter, and everyone knows how much I hate bullshitters. He's such a cool guy! Of course, we don't really have like anything in common instead of debate....and once again I find a totally nice great guy who I'm not at all attracted to. Like Amanda says...we have problems.....with that stuff..... The reason you came to me

As if I could make things any worse [29 Mar 2003|03:09am] [ mood | shaky ] I'm quite pathetic, aren't I? Is that what you are all thinking? Well FUCK YOU. I have quite a borderline personality though. I think I actually am borderline. I think I need to get it checked out. What does a borderline personality translate into? Bi Polar Disorder, right? Oh great. Just great. The reason you came to me

so so tired [29 Mar 2003|12:33am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Suffragette City by David Bowie ] Math homework at midnight is SO MUCH FUN!! ...... Yeah. I was being sarcastic. I hope you got that.... The reason you came to me

ha ha ha it's so funny that it isn't! [28 Mar 2003|01:46pm] [ mood | sick of the BS ] ha ha yeah my friends are such beautiful people....I hate them all....ha yeah. Just shoot me, shoot me now. I'm csick of feeling like no one cares about me in the slightest. It's not right and I've tried everything and nothing ever matters. {2} I've known since that day The reason you came to me

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