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I guess I should update, today hasn’t sucked, so far… It hasn’t been good either… Josh is coming to get me around 4:45 or so, then the day should be a lot better. I did really poorly on a test, and I’m really behind in Word, because I get on here and play around ALL day… Oh well, I am passing that class, currently, but if I continue the way I have been I won’t be for long. That is part of my objective for today, to make sure that I get some of that work done. I wanted to see Jenny Jones because they did paternity test yesterday but of course aren’t going to give the results until today, but I don’t know what channel that is down here or I would watch it in the lounge… Oh well, I might try to get over there around two and watch Passions if not everyone is already watching “the war”…
I haven’t really talked too much about that… I think I miss being like 10 and shit and NOT knowing what was going on. I know that this war is affecting Josh emotionally and some other people I know emotionally and I know my cousin is over there, but what else can I say? To be quite honest… I would rather ignore it. Let the president, the people involved, do what they must, and I’ll sit here and try to make Josh see that things happen for a reason, and that if what has happened hadn’t happened then I would have never met him… Then I would still be a fucking wreck, and he has at least affected one person in a REALLY positive way… I can email my family (who live 5/6 hours away) and tell them I miss them and that I want them to tell Alex I love him when he calls, but it doesn’t mean shit in the long run. Really… Because the war will end, people will have nothing to protest, and things will hopefully get “back to normal.” But then again, I’m just naive and all I really want is to go back to being little and NOT KNOWING…
I feel like I’m hanging by a rope above a 2000 ft drop and that the rope is going to snap at any minute… I have been so emotional lately. Between Eric and shit I just want to disappear sometimes… Yeah, that’s right, oh god, I said Eric. But this is MY journal and right now he’s on my NERVES… And according to him, he doesn’t read this, so we’ll see, right? So far, luckily though, I haven’t seen or heard anything from or about him in about a week or two… But every time I’m happy and things look like they will be okay that bastard starts something again… Oh wait, no, I’m stalking his wife. Please, I’d go blind if I was looking at that girl once a month let alone everyday… Okay, sorry I shouldn’t call names and say mean things, but really, seriously, I am sick of him and everything about him… I NEVER loved that boy, and I mean that… At least I can’t ever remember it, because hate takes hold of a heart once to many times trampled…
God, I feel like the whole world is going to come crashing down if I post that one fucking paragraph and now I remember why I feel this way. I feel threatened, and I feel like I cannot express my feelings without being called a “stalker” or something… I just really want it all to die, and when I’m scared, I want to be able to express it without fear of repercussion…
I also worry about how Josh will take it… I know that sounds dumb, but he wants me to let everything go, and trust me I have, I don’t read Eric’s journal, I don’t email him, I don’t call him, and I don’t talk to him in the halls… But I want to feel free to write here, and say what I have to say… I know that Bob may take offense, and god, I’m sorry if he does, because I like Bob… And well, I’m willing to bet money that Eric has read this since I last saw him, in fact, I know he has (it’s a private thing, I cannot explain)… But I don’t feel like I should have to hide when I’m feeling pissed off, and that’s one of the reasons I am feeling like a time bomb about to go off, because I have been pissed off… I was so pissed off that I went to get a restraining order AGAINST ERIC, but then I found out that in Pennsylvania restraining orders no longer exist…
I have so many other things going on in my life. I am tired of being treated like a child, but I also know that I haven’t been listening to their damn bitching too much either. And you know what, I’m glad. I don’t want there to be problems, because I don’t want Josh to feel like my life’s fucked up, but I cannot live by their rules. I wish they would bend some, and I swear I would try, but it’s hard to try to be better when the fucking “rules” are so damn childlike. I love my family, I love them so much. They think I take them for granted but I know that I would have been screwed a long time ago without them. I appreciate that they work hard for their money, and I appreciate that they pay for my car insurance and my gas to get to school; I just wish I could show it… But lately we are all at each other’s throats again and it hurts… A LOT… Because if Josh goes, I’ll have them, if I hook up again, they’ll be there. And it’s a never-ending cycle like that… And I know that they will always be there for me, despite the threats and shit, but IT STILL HURTS when they threaten… And I know that I am wrong a lot. But sometimes I’m not and I wish they could see that too! If only we could sit down and work on things together… Instead of making it all a dictatorship… I would love to set up house rules and house cleaning charts, and I’d love to have a weekly allowance for groceries, because I WANT to learn how to cook… But my ideals sit either polished on a shelf in my brain, or just out there, where no one wants to hear them…
I’m scared… I love Josh… I don’t know how I ever got so lucky to have such a wonderful person enter my life, but I did. And he doesn’t react poorly at all. He is kind, sweet, and gentle and he treats me like I matter. He’s never put me down and he’s never made me feel beneath him… And I don’t know how to express things without scaring the shit out of him or without making him think I’m nuts… I know I talk a lot about the “future” and shit with him, but that is because I want him to be there. I would marry him if he asked me too… I would do just about anything if he asked me too. And I can say that because I know that Josh wouldn’t ask anything irrational of me… And that is a wonderful feeling. But, no matter how much I love him, and no matter how much I trust him, this tiny part of me is always screaming, “You’ll never be good enough for him, he can do so much better… You’re nothing and should just leave him now, before he gets smart…”, that sort of thing… And I cannot make it stop, because it’s been burned into my head, and into my heart… I’ve never been good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and I’ve never had enough money… But I love Josh, and he’s never made me feel that way… So why do I?
When I look at Josh all I can see is someone who treats me well, who I adore. I want to make him happy, I want to make his wishes, dreams, come true… But I wonder if they include me. Josh and I said at the beginning of our relationship that we’ll always be friends, no matter what, but if he leaves me for another girl, and she doesn’t approve, will he disappear? I don’t think I could ever be happy if he left completely… He’s become an intricate part of my life and I am terrified of losing him…
I feel like my grasp on reality has slipped a little today, and I’m going to end this, I am sure you are all thinking, “it’s about time.” And I’m sorry… Some of this stuff has been bothering me for weeks and I just needed to get it out, so that I can see Josh this afternoon hopefully with a clean slate…
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