Thursday, October 14th, 2004
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5:20 pm - hmmm...blah...
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here we are...with the lonely-ness of me...I dunno what's up with me??...I feel so unforfilled in life...like...I feel...alone...I mean... I know that I have my friends...but...I still just feel so empty unforfilled and alone...blah...who knows?...ugh...we prolly all know what it is...but eh...ohh well...on to less depressing things...okie...right now I have no less depressing things to talk about...okie...so let's go shoot me now shall we??...sounds good to me...*smile*...
**...pOkEt FuLl oF LiEs...**
*...EnDlEsS nIgHtS oF lOnElY cRiEs...*
I fuckin hate that things can't just go back to normal...how things have to be so weird...I hate the fact that we're so different...and you don't even care...that part kills me...
current mood:  depressed
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(comment on this)
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Monday, October 11th, 2004
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3:38 pm - This is to everyone that knew me Freshmen year...
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I'm sorry
I'm sooooooo sorry guys...I wish I could just relive that year...and just...fix the stupid things I thought...did...and said...I was such a damn ass freshmen that year...thinking I was untouchable...that I was fucking like gods gift to the fucking earth...(don't know what I was on)...and I know now I should've treated you guys better...I don't know why I thought the way I did...but I guess...as life went on...I relized I was human...just like everyone else...I'd love to give some sort of explination of why I was such a fucking bitch...but I can't...I was just dumb...I'd love to have some sort of 2nd chance to just make it all better...I want to make it up to all of you some how...and one day I will...okie...well...I believe I've done this b4...but here we go again...okie...here go the individual appologies...
going in order of being fucked over...
*DOGZ*-I'm sorry for the shit I've ever done or thought of doing to you...The head games were stupid...and I'm no better than other people that I dislike for playing head games...I doubt you'll ever see this...but I really am sorry...truely...and I promise...I'll never do it again...and starting from this day forward I'm gonna stick to it this time...
*JUSTIN B*-I'm soooooooo sorry for being such a bitch to you...I mean...I look back at shit...and all you were was fuckin nicer than hell to me...and I just kept pounding you...and being a little bitch...and treating you like a fucking servant rather than a boyfriend...I deserved every last thing that you ever did or said to me...and I'm surprised you can even talk to me now...after all that shit...I mean...I always used the excuse "Ohh my dad was leaving and shit"...as a reason to have been a bitch to you...but really...when my dad was leaving...you were there for me...and I should've used you as a way to cope...rather than just pushed you away...and it was really fucked what I did...and I'm just glad that you could actually forgive me for all the shit that I did...thank you...
*ROBBIE*-I'm sorry for hating you for no reason...I'm sorry for hitting you...and kicking you...and ever trying to use you as a servant...you were my friend...not there to be my "bitch"...I'm sorry for ever teasing you...I'm sorry for NE mean thing I did or said...I'm really surprised some times that you can even talk to me...I was pretty fucked to you...but thaks for being my friend now...
*STEVEN P*-yeah...I know for sure you'll never see this but I just feel bad...cuz you were in part of the abuse too...I'm sorry that I would ever steal your sandwich...and force you to give me half...I'd hate me too...I'm loud...annoying...and at the time I expected everyone to serve me...I'm sorry...
*CHA*-I'm sorry that I ever disliked you...I'm sorry if I ever said NE thing mean to you...I'm sorry that I ever would push you...or belittle you...or NE thing like that...I know you say that you never noticed...but I did...and it was wrong...I'm soooo fuckin lucky to have a friend like you...you were ALWAYS there for me...no matter what...thank you soooo much cha...I fuckin love you!...
*JESSICA*-you don't really take shit from no one...so I really don't know if I ever treated you badly...but incase I ever did...I'm sorry...just like for cha...I'm sorry for pushing you...and that kinda shit...I was soooo dumb then...and don't know what the hell I was thinking...I was a bitch...and I'm sorry...
*STEVEN B*- I'm sorry I pinched you...I'm sorry that I kicked you...and I'm sorry for NE other physical or mental abuse that I've bestowed on you...
*JUSTIN S*-I guess between the shit that we've done to each other...we're pretty equal...but I'm still sorry if I ever did NE thing bitchy to you...nothing really stands out to me right now...but yeah...I know it's there some where...
*Also I'd like to thank every one who would wake up at the crack of don just to come pick me up at my house...that really did make me feel special...and I'm very greatful for that...thanks soooooo much for that...that was the coolest shit in the world...*
I'm sorry
and NE one else that knew me freshmen year that reads this...(which should be no one)...I'm sorry for NE abuse that you ever had to take from me...really...I am sorry...
current mood: melancholy
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, October 10th, 2004
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8:58 pm - OMG!...
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Friday, October 8th, 2004
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11:18 pm - Lol...
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Just can't help but laugh at the stupid teenager I've let myself become...all of my stupid thoughts...all my stupid sayings...the stupid things I do and feel...wow...look up stupid teenager in the dictionary...it's a pretty good picture of me right next to it...*smile*...
current mood:  sleepy
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(comment on this)
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7:25 pm - You made me do this...
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You've left me here...
with nothing more...
than a...
current mood: lonely
current music: the cars that drive by...
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, October 7th, 2004
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5:34 pm - get over yourself...
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Depression digs deep...
deeper than you'll ever know...
it's like a bad dream...
that I just can't wake up from...
not so much that we're not together...
that part I should be able to live with...
the part that makes it so unreal...
is that I can't make this feeling stop..
as soon as I knew...
that you didn't feel the same way...
I thought okie...that's enough...
but when it didn't stop...that's when the joke was over...
I thought I could stop it at NE time...
but now your like my drug...
Sometimes I feel like I don't want to breathe with out you...
does this scare you??...I hope so...cuz it scares the hell out of me...
I don't want to live like this...
So i hope you don't think I do this on purpose...
really now...
get over yourself if you think I do...
I'm just stuck...
like a fly in a web...
can't get out...
want to...but struggling just doesn't seem worth the pain...
it seems like it's never ending...
it rediculous if you ask me...
stupid teenage feelings...
keep me bound...
I told myself I wasn't a teenager...
make the feelings go away...
teenagers are dumb...
and mistake NE thing for love...
I thought I was smarter than that...
thought I was above it all...
thought I knew better...
ends up I'm the same as them all...
it's dumb...but it won't stop...
this pain won't go away...
it's not funny NE more...
I don't want to feel this way about you...
I know this isn't NE where close to what you feel for me...
talk about opposites...
I just wanted you to know...
that you don't want me to love you...
and I don't want to love you...
I want it all to stop...
if I could have just one more chance...
it would be a dream come true...
but my poket of lies tells me other wise...
so I don't care...and don't want to feel for you...
current mood:  stressed
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
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6:50 pm - *right back at'cha*
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Thinkin' maybe
Things are gonna turn around
Despite the arguments
We can see eye-to-eye
Over (over), Over (over)
Keeps playin' in my mind
This here ain't right for me
Too young to be held down
I fall for you
Each time, each time
This ain't no sayin'
I get stuck
All of the good times
Way down, the bad times
Guess that's why I'm still in love
Still in love with you
Despite all we go through
I can't turn away
You know that I'm still in love with you
You know that I can't give up
I'm still in love with you
Got all,
My girls
Tellin' me to just let it go
Tellin' me that it's just love lost
But I know (I know)
Got all,
My girls
Tellin' me I should free my heart
If it was so simple I would
I fall for you
Each time, each time
This ain't no sayin'
I get stuck
All of the good times
Way down, the bad times
Guess that's why I'm still in love
Still in love with you
Despite all we go through
I can't turn away
You know that I'm still in love with you
You know that I can't give up
I'm still in love with you
Still in love wit' ya
I'm so in love wit' ya
Still in love wit' ya
I'm so in love wit' ya
Still in love wit' ya
I'm so in love wit' ya
Still in love wit' ya
Still in love with you
Despite all we go through
I can't turn away
You know that I'm still in love with you
You know that I can't give up
I'm still in love with you
current mood:  distressed
current music: ugh...
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(comment on this)
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Monday, October 4th, 2004
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5:58 pm - Why can't there just be an on off switch for feelings?..
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Have you ever been so flat in love with some one...that it hurts to even say their name?...have you ever wanted to cry just because you wanted to see them but couldn't?...Have you ever just wanted to not wake up...becuase they're there in your dreams?...Have you ever just let all your fears go...cuz they're around?...Have you evet felt so safe and warm with someone...that you wish you could just freeze time...and live in that moment forever?...Have you ever just been able to brighten your day...by thinking about that person?........how bout this...have you ever had all those feelings suddenly ripped from you?...like a sink full of water...just being drained to the very bottom?...Have you ever wanted to die...cuz it was all gone?...Have you ever cried...just thinking about never seeing that person again?...Have you ever waited over a year and a half for some one?...Have you ever cried because you want to be with them so bad...but can't understand what you did that made them hate you so much to say such evil things to you...Have you ever been told by someone that they love you...then the next day they tell you that they hate you...and your a bitch?...if that happend...were you still able to love that person?...
guess what...I have.........
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think i'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
Can't pretend that I'm all right
and you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing last forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing last forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
current mood: distressed
current music: the kind you listen to...
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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5:55 pm - hmmm...
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It's pretty damn hard to look at the bright side of things...when everythings so damn dark...
fuck
current mood:  crappy
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
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6:22 pm - ~*~*~*~*~*GOTTA SEE TV*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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You guys have gotta see my latest work of art!...please...*smile*...
www.geocities.com/stacy_e510/lol
current mood:  crazy
current music:
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Monday, September 27th, 2004
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9:51 pm - useless thoughts...
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common courtesy:She's beautiful no matter what...
the fact of the matter:She's ugly...and is told so...
the sad truth:She know's she's ugly with in...and out...
the moral of the story:you can't change who you are...
current mood:  bored
current music:
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
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9:15 pm - OMG!...
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Okie...I seriously wouldn't even be wasting space on my blurty if this shit didnt' scare the hell out of me...this one actually kinda worked...I guess...it's fuckin weird...and made me laugh...cuz some of these didn't make NE sence...but...the majority did...so here it goes...fuckin aye...
Body: DO NOT
CHEAT
(You'll kick yourself later) I was a little
skeptical trying this, but if you follow the
instructions to the "t" you'll be surprised!!!!
All of my answers were accurate. We'll see
tomorrow if the wish comes true. I'll let you
know. Take 3 minutes and try this...it will
freak you out! The person who sent it to me said
her wish came true 10 minutes after they read
the
mail. BUT NO CHEATING! This game has a
funny/spooky outcome.
Don't read ahead...just do it in order! It takes
about three minutes...it's worth a try :)
First..get a pen and paper. When you actually
choose names, make sure it's people you actually
know and go with your first instinct.
Scroll down one line at a time...and don't read
ahead or you'll ruin it!
1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a
column.
2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any
two numbers you want.
3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of
members of the opposite sex.
NO LOOKING AHEAD...OR IT WON"T TURN OUT RIGHT!
4. Write anyone's name (like friends or
family....) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spots.
5. Write down four song titles in 8,9,10, and 11.
GO WITH YOUR INSTINCT PEOPLE!!!!
6. Finally, make a wish.
And now the key for the game.....
1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people
about this game.
2. The person in space 3 is the one that you
love.
3. The person in 7 is one you like but can't
ever seem to work out.
4. You care most about the person you put in 4.
5. The person you name in number 5 is the one
who knows you very well.
6. The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.
7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with
the person in number 3.
8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7
9. The tenth space is the song that tells you
most about YOUR mind.
10. and 11 is the song telling you how you feel
about life
NOW...post this bulletin (dont reply) within the
hour... IF you do..
your wish will come true...
If you don't it will become the opposite
current mood: scared!
current music:
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, September 12th, 2004
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6:37 pm - No hidden meanings!...so leave me alone...
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Standing here looking out my window
My nights are long and my days are cold
Cause I don't have you
How can I be so damn demanding?
I know you said that it's over now
But I can't let go
Every day I want to pick up the phone
And tell you that
You're everything I need and more
If only I could find you
Like a cold Summer afternoon
Like the snow coming down in June
Like a wedding without a groom
I'm missing you
I'm the desert without the sand
You're the woman without a man
I'm a ring without a hand
I'm missing you
*********************
Oh baby, I'm missing you
We used to love so strong
Tell me where did we go wrong
Oh baby, I'm missing you
They say I'll learn to forget
But it sure ain't happened yet
I know there's a chance for you and I
And I believe there's no way our love could die
So no matter how long it takes, I'll wait for you
And whatever it takes I'll be there for you
I'll be there, I'll be there
*********************
Sitting here thinking about you and all the things we used to do
I never thought that i would lose you, because you were always my boo
sitting here wondering where we, wondering where we went wrong
Cause now i am here all night long wishing you would come back home
So tell me why (why)
why did you have to go away
got me missing you everyday
baby tell me why (why)
why did you have to go away
got me missing you everday (everday i am missing you)
I don't understand why you left, baby what didn't i do
Wasn't i always there for you and wasn't i good to you
How was i to know something was wrong baby i can't read minds
All you had to do was tell me but you kept it all inside
*********************
I'm missing you like crazy
Body and soul is aching
I'm out of control
Missing you so
God knows I'm tryin' to keep you
Out of my head
I ain't tryin' to love no one
I ain't tryin' to get hurt again, no
But there's somethin' that just
Gets in my skin
And all I know is I can't let go
And that's the way it is
*********************
What is love
That question seems so old
While I'm sitting in this room
I recall some answers that I've been told
Just so that I forget that you're not here
And I, I wanted to walk alone
Guided by my own company
I sigh, and of course you cannot hear
But I know you know
That I am missing you
And that's the only thing I know
That I am missing you
And I just can't let go
If I cried
That wouldn't help at all
It would only make my complexion turn grey
And I tell myself that I don't care
Just like a stubborn child
But I am missing you
And that's the only thing I know
That I am missing you
And I just can't let go
'Cause I am missing you
And that's the only thing I know
That I am missing you
I just can't let, no I just can't let go
I just can't let go
*********************
There's nothin' worth sayin', I know you're not staying
Might as well face it, it's out of my hand
No point in pretending, I know that it's ending
I just want to know where the ending began
*********************
And I can't live my life without you
I will not rest but go on to find you
My world seems to live in neglect without you
I cannot bare to live without you
So sorry, for whatever I've done
To make you go so far away
Wait for the day
That you will find your way back to me
current mood:  confused
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(comment on this)
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Monday, August 30th, 2004
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10:30 am - can't take this NE more....
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Suicidal thoughts
from misery...
So close...yet so far away...I want you to know the way that I feel...how could you not?...but it doesn't matter...you wouldn't care NE ways...I still wait though...lying to myself that you'll come back...not man enough to face the fact...your gone...for good...no looking back...
it's here where I want you...
it's all too hard...
lol...even my fuckin icon is for you...that's one of the reason's I got it in the first place...and your still the reason why I keep it now...
current mood: crappy
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
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11:27 pm - umm...yeah...incase you didn't know...
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Friday, August 20th, 2004
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5:38 pm - oh my gosh...
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I feel so pathetic...I just looked at Jessica's frickin friends view thingy...OMG!...if her blurty thing was stock...I'd own like frickin 90 shared of it!...I'm so pathetic...lol...ohh well...{smile}...I just like updating on this think like every 2 seconds!!...gotta keep you guys up to date with what's goin on with me!...{smile}...
current mood:  happy
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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1:22 pm - ...WOW...
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I <3 Love <3 my friends...
current mood:  high
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Thursday, August 19th, 2004
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3:14 pm
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I just don't understand...{smile}...I just don't understand NE thing...{smile}...sometimes it feels as if I'm just not gonna make it...{smile}...will I pull through??...{smile}...I guess we'll have to wait and see...{smile}...I doubt it...{gleem!}
current mood: depressed
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Sunday, August 15th, 2004
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10:21 pm - Ch. 2
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blah...this story makes me too sad...so...umm...I'm gonna stop it now...blah...
current mood:  quixotic
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(comment on this)
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Friday, August 13th, 2004
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11:10 am - Never would've guessed Ch. 1
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Lexi sat in class...resting her head on her desk listening to the teacher bable about some subject that she didn't know about...she knew she should pay attention...but she'd rather day dream...she figured she'd just copy off of someone else later...suddenly she got a idea...she'd draw a comic...she'd been drawing comics for some time now...and it was her favorite way to pass time...so she pulled out a piece of paper...thought of what her and her friends had done recently and began to draw...finally the bell rang...and Lexi raced over to her locker to wait for her friends...she began to put her stuff away...and she saw Lily and Raven walking over from the hall...
"Hey guys" Lexi said...
"Hey" they answered back...suddenly lexi got side tracked as her boyfriend Joey walked over...
"So are we gonna go?" He asked...
"Yeah...right now...just wait for Lily and Raven...and we'll all walk over together..." Then once the girls put there things away the began to walk over to albertsons...they were a very loud bunch...overly excited freshmen...they hated school, and had no school spirit...but they loved lunch and hanging out...
"Okie guys, we'll meet you back here after you go to Albertson's" Lexi said as her and Joey walked into a sushi restraunt...They ordered and waited...It had become almost a rechal now...everyday the same thing...Lexi, Lily, Raven and Joey would walk over to the shopping center together...Lexi and Joey would go to their sushi place...and Lily and Raven would go to Albertson's, then all meet up and the sushi place...and back off to school...
Things hadn't always been this way...and they weren't to stay this way either...Lexi was deathly afraid of change...so she tried her hardest to keep things one way...but as life gets lived...things change...at the begging of the year Lexi had been with some one named Jeffery...who was a compulsive lier...and just wanted attention...so he kept up stories ov comiting suicide when Lexi broke up with him...and since then nothing has been the same between them...
There are and were other's in this group...people come and go as drama moves on...
School days were always basically the same...and going home was usually pretty predicatble for Lexi as well...She'd come home to an empty house...get on the computer...chat for a while...then once her parents got home...her mother would yell at her for not cleaning her room...and her dad would ask about her homework...then she'd eat dinner...do her homework...then talk on the phone...watch TV until about 2 in the morning...then finally go to bed...just to awake by 6:30, get ready in about 10 minutes...then skooter to school with Joey and their good friend Josh...to just start the day all over again...But Lexi was fine with this...sure it was a bit boring...but the whole not changing was a lot better than things being different...and especially after her year of being away from her fauther...Lexi was very content in life...Her dad had left for a year because of a terrible war that was in the midst of being made...she had gone through terrible things in that year...since her and her mom didn't get along the best...though after that year...they became more understanding of each other...though once her dad was back...it just made things alot better...
But through all this content predictableness...came a day...a day that Lexi would never forget...
"Lexi...did you get the mail today?" Her mother asked as she preparied dinner.
"No, I'll go get it right now..." Lexi went into the grauge to grab the mail...there was nothing but junk mail... bills...and one letter from the Army addressed to Lexi's father...
"NE thing good?" Her mother called from the kitchen...
"Just this letter from the Army...Can I open it??" Lexi always for some reason liked opening her dad's letters from the Army...she'd done so ever since she was a little girl...
"Of course" Her mother answered...and just as Lexi began to open the letter...her dad rushed over...
"No!..."He grabed the letter..."That's mine..." Lexi stood there dumb founded as her dad rushed up stairs with the letter...
"What was that?!...I want to see it!!" Her mother called up to him...
"It was nothing...don't worry about it..." And right then the subject was dropped...
Later on that night after dinner her parents decided to go christmas shoping...
"Lexi...we're leaving now...we'll be back later..." Her mom called up to her as she put on her coat...
"Okie Mom!" She called back as she talked on the phone with Joey...Right when they left Lexi began to tell Joey about the letter that her dad had kept from her..."I'm gonna go find out what was in that letter..." She told him...and as they talked Lexi began to snoop through her parents things...when suddenly she found it..."I found it!"...she began to read...and her excitment from finding it quickly turned to a huge pit in her stomach...
"well, what does it say??..." Joey was curiouse from her silence...
"They want to take him back..." She whispered..."The Army wants to take him back..."
"What?...are you sure?" Joey asked...
"Well...it says they 'may' take him back..."The tears began to form in Lexi's eyes..."But I know they will...I just know it...everything that I love gets taken away...and this is just another one...I can't do this...not again...no...not again..." Lexi began to full blown cry now..."No...no...no..." She didn't know what to do...she felt light headed...and never wanted to stop crying...Joey tried his best to console her...
"You just have to hold on to that little bit of hope Lex...where is says they 'may' take him back...it doesn't say for sure...it just say 'may'...there's still a chance that they won't..." He tried his best but it just didn't help...it couldn't help...she was too far gone now...
"No!...I know they will!...They can't do this!...NO!!...Please NO!...WHY!?...WHY!?...I know they will...I told Lily this happend!..and this just proves it!...Everything I love will get taken away!...and watch you'll be next..." Lexi just couldn't stop crying...she just kept screaming out how unfair it is...and how they can't...but they will...
"I won't get taken away...I'll always be here..." Joey tried to reasure her...but she tears kept coming...she just went blank...she didn't know what to do...all she could do was sit and wait...to see if they would in fact take her dad again...she was breaking on the inside...on the edge...so afraid to have him go away...again...she knew it would happen though...as long as Lexi could remember...everything she'd loved had been taken away...even last time when her dad left...she was so close to her dad...then he left...and they became distant...then he came back...and just as they were bonding again...this happend...Of course the tears had to stop...all because Lexi couldn't let her parents know she had snooped and found the letter...so all she could do was die a little on the inside...crying all the time on the inside...dying to know for sure if her dad would leave or not...when she went to school she cried again to her friends...she didn't know what else to do...threatning suicide if they were to take him away...the once so happy Lexi was slowly dying...it was clear to see that nothing good could come of this...but life went on changing in it's own subtle ways...and Lexi tried to not let it get her so down...she took Joey's advice and just calmed down until she found out for sure...but it was still killing her not to know...
current mood: melancholy
current music: Moulin Rouge...duh...
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touched
sad