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Prom [20 May 2006|12:49pm] [ mood | cheerful ] Yeah, prom is today!!! That's right, I'm excited. I dont know why: My "friends" apparently hate me, I have a dress rehersal in five minutes, one of my best friends isnt coming, I have a piano recital tomorrow, then I'm singing a huge solo for the concert tomorrow night at church, but I'm still happy. Satan, get behind me...nothing is going to get me down tonight. Like the girl who did my hair said, "beauty is a curse, people are always going to resent you for it." Well, not tonight. I forgive you all and I hope you can forgive me for whatever the heck I did wrong. Okay? Good. Love you, get over it, and be safe! post comment

"It's not the end, but it sure aint where I began" [13 May 2006|08:47pm] [ mood | mellow ] So, I have finally mastered the task of completely numbing myself to everything that is going on around me. I just don't think I could deal with it if I fully acknowledged what a mess my life is in at the moment. Unhealthy? Maybe, but I'm not going to worry about that. I've never liked change, heck, I cried when they got rid of the Arby's in the mall! How am I going to handle graduating? This is why I do not appreciate Mr. Wall. He makes me depressed. When I think of his class I think of suicide, the mofia and the brick wall in the "Handmaid's tale" that dead people hung off of. And now he wants me to write a paper that seems more like a eulogy than an essay. Mr. Mengel has given me two goodbye speeches already, told me how much he was going to miss me...I dont even want to think about the concert... And now I'm going to prom with Adam... it makes you wonder why things didn't happen sooner... Oh well, I still have a lot to look forward to! I hope prom is fun, I am a little worried...I just cant get it together. I know I need to start working out the details but this whole numb thing just doesnt allow me to. Oh well, I would wonder if my lack of organization bothers him but as long as his appetite for jill miller is still "bottomless"...I guess I'm good, haha. I have not regretted any of the changes that happened this year. Hindsight really is 20/20. If this wasnt so long..I would send it to postsecret...but here's my little secret....every time I see that my ex-pastor is outside his house, getting into his car or something, I make sure I speed up so that I'm driving at least 65 when I pass his house, not to mention that I roll the windows down and blare the music. I dont know, it's kind of a thrill for some reason to have him watch me "his lost sheep" go by, and wonder where he went wrong and what kind of trouble I'm in now that I'm not part of his "flock." And honestly, although I do partially want to make him feel like he failed me, I also act like some troubled emo teenager in the hopes that maybe he'll pray for me. I can never get enough prayers. I dont know maybe I'm crazy, but it is also really fun to tailgate him all the way to the fourway stop and not have to feel guilty about it the next sunday... I'm glad I got out of there, I'm glad that I dont talk to Phil anymore and I'm glad that I can buy earrings from a certain ex and make him so uncomfortable that he forgets to add the tax. Things are always changing for the better in that department...I think I'm happy with the direction things are headed. There's lightening outside the window and rain five feet above my head...I always think its cool that you never feel it but you can see it like that. It's so nice to feel protected and not so alone. I really should just have faith. I know that God would not let my future consist of me standing exposed in the middle of some terrible storm...I've never not been able to handle things. It's all gonna be okay. "It's not the end, but it sure aint where I began." post comment

It's April 22 and I've completely shut down. [22 Apr 2006|10:43am] [ mood | cheerful ] Because I am so busy and important, I just havent had time to update...not to mention that I'm lazy and have serious senioritis. So I've been to another country since I last wrote....okay, so maybe it was only Canada, but it was freakin awesome! This year is just so fun, it was the best trip I've been on. We all got along for the most part which was the biggest blessing because a bus load of pmsing girls can be a little rough, but it was okay. Toronto is such a beautiful place and the yellow knight is a beautiful man! Haha, the flower he gave me is dying, it must be over, it's so hard to say goodbye... And you know, this is how life should be. I'm not worrying about homework or grades anymore, I don't worry about people judging me...basically, all I do is try to figure out how I can make each day reach its ultimate fun level. There's a lot to be said for this kind of life, not that I'm completely lazy, I do actually do some work, but I just don't care the way I used to. I don't care if people think I'm strange, because I am and I like it. And I don't care if they don't like my voice because I'll sing all freakin day if I want to! You see, being a senior is really awesome...it's like Christmas all year round. I can't wait until im 65 and it can start all over again! Saw an 11 year old asian violin prodigy yesterday and I was so inspired that I changed the name of my thing! Haha, because, how could I sit there and listen to that girl who probably practices as much as I do but is 5000000 times better and not wonder why I'm American? That's right, we are lazy and its not my fault! If I was Asian, I wouldn't have this not caring not working problem! They are just the human perfected, and I'm, well, I'm hopelessly flawed. Hey, a girl can dream. Note: This is all a joke, if you're my friend you would understand. No, I don't think Asians are perfect and yes, I realize that they arent just given supernatural powers to be amazing. They are a unique culture that I have utmost respect for. OKAY?! Kerry and Molly are extremely awesome too! Thanks for crashing my house and not bringing food or movies! Lol, no, trust me, all you need are yourselves, and thats enough entertainment to go around for the rest of my life. I love you! So, now I have a jazz band thing...and can you believe it, I dont dread going to jazz band anymore! It's really fun, or maybe its just the boys...hm, oh well, love and peace. post comment

I've got nothing to do today but smile :) [01 Apr 2006|09:13pm] [ mood | cheerful ] Today I worked in the greenhouse that has no walls so your basically standing outside but you're completely sheltered at the same time. So while there was a massive downpour going on right above me, I stood there with a knife the size of a dagger in my hand disecting poor innocent hyacinths that were being mutated by gray puss all the while singing, "Paint it black" at the top of my lungs to the creepy dark sky above. And as I poised my knife to chop of the newly buded head of a particularly disgusting infested hyacinth, a wave of real satisfaction about what I was going to do passed over me and I realized, "Jill, you're a freak, there's a little bit of psychopath in all of us, isn't there?" However yesterday I was as carefree and happy as I've ever been. I got home and layed on my roof for hours not doing anything really but watching cars and listening to the neighbors. Then I serenaded my mom with my awesome guitar skills and as if it couldnt get any better, molly calls and says that we're going to Kerry's...that always means a good time. And so it was. I got a beautiful manicure too! So now I'm really high, it can't get any better because now I'm headed to my house again for dinner with my grandparents...but no, even that was wonderful and fun. And as I went to bed that night, the only prayer I got out before drifting off to sleep was, "Thank you God for all these amazing people in my life. There's nothing more important to me than them." Unfortunely my body has different priorities. So it's finally happened. I've burned myself out and there's not much I can do about it. It's been a long time coming. And eventhough it feels like another one of my "non-alcoholic hangovers," I wouldn't trade the musical experience or staying up all night to finish my ss project so I could have fun at the jazz band thing, hanging w/ my friends eventhough I was dead tired, or going to the mall for hours today for anything. Memories are priceless and I'm going to treasure these past two weeks for the rest of my life. post comment

Seussical just freakin rocks [26 Mar 2006|05:19pm] [ mood | happy ] "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." That's very conforting Mike, to bad I saw you blubber like a baby twice last night. I can't even describe what an amazing musical experience that was! It's every highschooler's dream to be part of a group and be accepted by everyone. Well, that was our cast. It was the most friendly, funny and talented group of people that I could have ever wished to do my last preformance with. My last one...being a senior is so bittersweet. But the good things will always be remembered like: My Bird Girls! Buzzz! I'm a fish...gloup gloup gloup... The Wickershack Flachs dumping all the snow on Emi's head The Time Warp Spending time with my other half "Oh nuts!" My move in "biggest blame fool" Mme Blye stories Lauren and her trucker water bottle The "Jill is mother (bad word) hott" song, "I've got nothin but muffin on my sweat pants," and "A minor!" Basically everything about Mike makes me smile Turkey gobbling The Macarana sticky bras etc etc etc So, I'm not going to lie, if you didnt see the show, you really missed out. It was really a blessed production and I can see why. It was wholesome and everyone for the most part respected eachother. Good things come from good enviroments. I'm so glad that this was how I ended my musical experiences. I would do it again in a second, but if thats not possible, I'll be content to just smile and remember. post comment

In like a lion out like a Lamb [11 Mar 2006|05:11pm] [ mood | cheerful ] I have something to say to select people who are making my life way harder than it should be: SCREW YOU!! Some of you will be very happy with me for saying that, but also disappointed because, I wont lie; I can type it, I can think it, I can write an entire essay on how I feel mistreated, but I don't think I could ever verbalize it. It's not a cop-out, it's peacemaking, right? I'm having a lovely day. Really tired, but very content. Yesterday was perfect from boule to the Irishman from SHETLAND (lol....woah, im dying...) to watching Harry Potter with the best musical cast I've ever been with in four years...life was just beautiful. Today, eh, a lot of pointless running around to places, runing through stoplights, and running around in character shoes. But, also my ego has been boosted. That's right, I'm the blue bird, bow down. Wow, Me and the month of March are very similar. Hot and cold. I started out feeling mistreated, ended by saying "bow down." What the...heck? Well, my sister is home so we're going to hang out at the oh-so-cool foodcourt, and maybe while we eat we can checkout some hearing aids conveniently located right next to McDonalds. That's just so strange. "Speak up!" This took an hour to write and its disgustingly random and pretty much pointless. I must be tired. "Alright", that's my cue that its time to go incase you never noticed....so yes, I've just alrighted myself...its time to stop. Love. post comment

Keep it cool boys real cool [19 Feb 2006|01:01pm] [ mood | lazy ] I've taken a long nap everyday for the past three days, "there's just so much to dream about." So, this weekend deserves to be written about, it's not interesting, i just feel like writing about it though. So, Friday was really different. I woke up with those wonderful nerves that only college auditions can inspire and decided I was going to keep it cool all day, be calm, be relaxed. I've been watching the Olymics non-stop...they're just so facinating to us musicians who would love to excercise but really just don't have the time. Anyway, I've been noticing their tactics on how to keep a good mindset before they compete...so I decided to be like Joey Cheek (actually, I don't know what he does to keep calm, all I know is he's adorable and a good person and that I'm probably in love with him). Point is, I read a book for an hour, and then practiced a little and then took a major walk with my mom, and then lounged around the house not doing anything really, and then I had about two hours before my audition, but i decided to go online first. Bad idea because at that moment the electricity decided to go out. So, I had done everything humanly possible to do that doesnt require electricity, but then when I had run out of things to do and need the electricity...theres nothing to do! I was not calm, and I really needed to shower so I looked professional. This was not going down how I wanted it to and I was not Joey Cheeking it like I wanted! So what did I do? Oh, I panicked until it came back on and then showered really quickly and everything was ok...for a little bit. So then we're driving to Eastern, and I've been getting along with my parents suprisingly well lately. But not today. We were so lost because my dad decided he was going to use his intuition to get to a place that he's never been before. His intuition was really sucky that day. So we were late, that's always a good impression not to mention I was highly stressed out at that point. We walk in and, great, everybody's looking at me weird. I love it when that happens. Whatever, I can ignore that...go to my audition room and...oops...."I'm sorry, your audition is on Monday, not today." So we drive two hours home, the long way of course because now my dad knows where he is and he decides to take the scenic route and stop in at a freezing cold produce stand for an hour and harrass a poor mexican or whatever he was about flowers. But now I was feeling really calm, everything on the drive home was so beautiful, the buildings so cute, the vegetables so inspiring, the mexican so pleasant...now I finally had that Olympian attitude I wanted...now that it was all over. I am so cool. Then I did the fashion show thing and watched Moulin Rouge. This has already been explained i believe. Saturday Kerry and I had to go to my old church to be the "entertainment" for their little banquet thing. So, we went and played one rockin 15 minute concert for about 30 people all over the age of 50 with a few exceptions and left $20 richer than when we came. The funny part was that in the car we were so pumped up from preformance adrenaline bc we played classical music for a silent crowd...it was pretty embarassing. Well, I can still say that I had a paying gig this weekend...nobody needs to know what it was for... Yep, today was church and stuff and tomorrow will be my REAL audition so pray and think good thoughts. Love and peace to everyone and go take a nap, trust me, it puts everything into perspective. post comment

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" [18 Feb 2006|08:20pm] [ mood | optimistic ] I love that visa commercial that they play every five seconds for the Olympics. It's true, life does take courage, respect, talent, determination, etc...but they forgot two really important ones: it takes faith, and most of all, it takes love. I see people walk down the halls and think that I have them all figured out. I know the type, I know the dress, I know them. I see people that I've known all my life, even my own friends, get into their cars and drive away at the end of the day and I have no idea where they are driving to, if they are going home to a stressful family life, or a job, or to go rest up for a night of drinking and smoking pot... I know next to nothing about the people I once thought myself to be so close to. And they know nothing about me. I hate the fact that first impressions are so important because I tend to royally screw up things that I'm not comfortable doing. I hate the fact that I set the precident for some relationships and now we can't get past that point, it would just be too weird. I hate the fact that I can't ressurect the past and that I can't promise that the future will be any better. I went to the fashion show last night and it was really fun and exciting and all that...but I couldnt help but sit there and think, "what is the difference between me and the other kids up there showing off infront of the whole school without a care in the world?" I could sing and play piano like Alicia did, and I could dance as well as everybody else, so why don't I do it? And the answer is its just not me. I'm not easily recognized, I dont show off, but yet, I'm doing ok. It's very rare that once somebody chooses to be my friend, that they decide that they don't want to be anymore. That's only happened twice before this year...but recently I don't know whats going on, but I'm no different than I used to be. And I have to say that it hurts. If there was something I did wrong, that would be different, I could fix that, but this is just a general dislike of my character, or my actions, or whatever. So all I can do is love them . I'm still in love with the way things were and that love continues. I may put on a hard face but thats just me being me, I can't help it. I watched Titanic and Moulin Rouge these past two weeks and it was Valentine's Day on tuesday and if I have ever been convicted of anything, it's that there is such a things a true love. They may just be movies, but that's where faith comes in. I believe that there is a Leonardo DiCaprio out there somewhere for me and everyone else if they chose to look for him. And I believe that I will love him "until my dying day." It does exist, I just know it. I'm trying to figure out what to write for my, "the truth about relationships between men and women" essay, and everything I feel, basically boils down to, you either chose to love the person for who they are, or you dont. It's a hard choice, and it's only meant to be made once, and you'll know who to make it for. "Love is like oxygen, love is a many splendid things...all you need is love." I'm probably the only single person in the world who thinks Valentine's Day is a great holiday. I can't help it, I love love! I don't need to be in a fashion show, I don't need to know everything about everyone, I don't need everything to stay the same...I don't need personal success to be the drive of my life, or popularity or complancency...my life is powered by love. "Love, faith and hope, but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 post comment

Sometimes you just need a good long cry [10 Feb 2006|05:31pm] [ mood | gloomy ] This week has been so strange, so emotional, I can hardly even express it.... Well, it started off with districts. I wish I would have written about it when I first came home because I was on such a music high, I was almost unbearable. It was so incredible! Dr. Head was a fantastic director "all I want is perfection"...but in a way, i think we got as close to perfection as any high school choir can. It was the most musical, beautiful and inspiring experience. When I found out that I was 5th and that I was going to regionals, when we sang Lux Aurumque, and as the room resounded with "I love the Lord"...there was no way that any living person even with the shallowest emotional capacity could not feel that particular stinging behind their eyes. I know that it took a lot of self-control for me to not sob with tears of joy...I seriously have never been so happy. And probably around the time that I found out about regionals, the accident happened. My poor dad had to walk out of his office to see the sickening wreckage and that girl dead on the lawn of his childhood home. He was not himself for a few days that's for sure. They didnt tell me about it until I was home from districts so that my time wouldnt be ruined...it wasnt ruined, but a bit tainted...I definitely cried that night and even I don't know whether it was out of the happiness from districts, sadness for all the kids involved or just plain sickness. Then the next day I had to sing at Adele's dad's funeral. I have only known Adele for a few months but somehow I ended up being the one who sat next to her during her own dad's funeral, trying to not appear awkward as I attempted to comfort her. And then we had to sing. I don't how we all got through it but during the middle of one song, we were all sobbing...yeah, I ended up not crying, sobbing infront of at least 200 people. And now its the end of the week. In the midst of all the light in my life, there also seems to be a lot of death. I know 6 people who have passed away just in the past two weeks. Why now? If it wasn't for God, and Districts and music...I dont know what I would do. "She's got her jaws locked down in a smile, but nothing is alright" post comment

My world [29 Jan 2006|10:44am] [ mood | mellow ] Every morning should start off with two cream-filled doughnuts...wow. This month has been insane. I'm learning that you just have to take things one at a time or as they come at you. Stress will not win this battle. So my burdens have been half-lifted. I've been half-accepted to all of the colleges i applied for...wohoo! I found out on friday that I was accepted at moravian for the music department and West Chester for just the school and now I need to audition. I got into eastern awhile ago but i still need to audition and Friday I went to Lebanon Valley and got into the music department...and now I have to wait for the school to answer. It's almost confusing... Each school is so different, but you don't know that until you've worked with the teachers. I've only been with the teachers at Moravian and Lebanon but let me tell you...it's like two different worlds. In fact, it is two different worlds. I am not a perfectionist. I know I never will be perfect and I know this also means I will never be 1st chair or a concert pianist...whatever and I am perfectly fine with that. When I hear music I listen for beauty and feeling, passion, inspiration, etc. That is my world. I don't do competition. At Lebanon Valley the piano teacher who auditioned me was so adorable and quite frankly, a genius. No lie, he picked up every little detail and I mean extremely small details...it was kind of freaky. He lived in a world of technique, excellence and perfection. Needless to say, we did not click. I do the best I can for the person that I am. I could have impressed the heck out of that man if I was still taking lessons from Mrs. Soper...that is if she wouldn't have dropped me as a student because she was prejudice against teenage girls. I admit it, I have a grudge against her that even her seperation from this world has not cured. I need to forgive her but even after four years I'm still finding it quite difficult. I used to play better than Matt Harris until she decided that she wasnt going to teach me...yet she took on him and now he's in college for performance, his technique and experience is incredible. He had the guidance he needed. I, on the otherhand have had three different teachers since then and year of no instruction at all. Really, all I need to do is blame her for ruining my chances...but I can't do that and it's not her fault. She did not see the world as I did and we never got along. I can't change who I am, and why would I want to? So I could impress some old man in a suit with my technique? Being the way I am has lead me to some wonderful people though...Mrs. Hendrick is one of my most favorite people in the world. She is sweet, kind and loves music the way I do. Should I blame her for never noticing that I was playing the wrong rhythm in chopin's valse? No, thats just the way she is, and I love her for that. And I've met Margorie who is not only extremely talented, but a faithful servent of God. Ok, so she may play with her rings the entire time while I'm singing my song and give me no corrections other than, "that was sloppy, do it again," but she has shown me how to correct myself in other ways; more important ways. These women are role-models and that is why I want to be a music teacher. I want to share my music and my world with others and guide them through their dreams. And this is what I told the guy at Lebanon when he asked why I wanted to be a musician (only it was much shorter). And perhaps this was his reason for getting me into the program. Who knows, but for a moment I could tell that our two worlds collided...and he completely understood me. I don't think I want to go there though. Anyway, I have papers to write, practicing to do...sorry, long lapses in writing always makes me sentimental... post comment

It's all going to be okay [07 Jan 2006|03:26pm] [ mood | hopeful ] Everything always turns out alright. It may be bad for the majority of your life, but then, maybe even with your dying breath...things always resolve. Like we were talking about the other week, have you ever heard of anybody ever being lost forever? You may have no idea where you are, but eventually, you will get to where you need to be or you can just go home. There's always someone to ask for directions...it's irrational to worry about that. Every story I've ever heard, even if it has a tragic ending...it still ends in a positive way if you think about it. Hamlet- ok, so everyone dies, but all the sin and troubles die with them, and Denmark can be a happy place once again. Romeo and Juliet- the capulets and montagues reconcile their differences Cinderella- shes no longer a "socially abused shut-in" not to mention how the guy and the girl always end up together: Shrek and Fiona Dr. Quinn and Sully Ross and Rachel Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy Emma and Mr. Knightly Lancelot and Guenivere Horton and Gertrude Eric and Ariel etc, etc, etc So no worrys. Whenever you feel lost, lose hope, think that things will never be right again...remember, after darkness there always comes light. It's not only a manditory code for all authors...but its just the pattern of life. God knows what He's doing. Justice is always served. Love will win. Without suffering, the good times would be taken for granted. Patience. Hope. Faith. It really is going to be okay. "Jack shall have Jill, naught shall go ill." And we all lived happily ever after. right? post comment

Foolish Love [31 Dec 2005|04:10pm] [ mood | optimistic ] It is resolution time and I'm pretty good with these...I've kept my one from two years ago religiously, and I mean that literally. Haha, yeah, it was to read my bible everyday and so far I have. This year, I am going to try to do my best though... 1. Stop looking at other people's myspaces. My reason: Here's how it is, and I'm sure we all do this. We go online and immediately put our away messages up not because we are actually not there, but because we're trying to avoid conversation...just admit it. So instead of actually talking to the person, we secretly go and pry into their lives...read their blogs and comments, and get frustrated at them without them even knowing. It happens to me at least once a week, I'll look at someone's myspace that I'm not even close to, see what they wrote, and get disgusted with them without actually even knowing the person. I think it's ruined my friendships with people and it's so stupid....even the name bothers me MYspace, me, me, me, I, I, I....everyone is already self-centered enough, I refuse to encourage further vainity and self-importance any longer....just once in a while. 2. Try to be on time. As cool as it is that I can leave my house at 7:19 now and still get to school before the second bell...it's not a good way to live. It's very stressful and I end up having to speed. Plus, then I start to think I can do that for everything...and well, I can't. 3. Not care about boys. As much as I love being single, I really can't help thinking about them...it's stupid really. I should just let them think about me... "So the day noah's ark floats down park My eyes will be simply glazed over Or better yet I'll wear shades on sunless days And when the sun's out, i'll stay in and slumber Oh, all for the sake of a foolish love All for the sake of a foolish love Cause i don't want to hold you and feel so helpless I don't want to smell you and lose my senses And smile in slow motion With eyes in love" -Rufus Wainwright Who needs it? I just want to live my life....oh, the things we do for love. Well, it's a new year, but I doubt that any of us can change this...arent we all just fools in love... post comment

the christmas post [27 Dec 2005|11:41am] [ mood | calm ] Christmas this year was...more than sufficient. I don't want to say "amazing" or anything because I've decided that I over-exaggerate way too much. But it was really good, my presents were awesome..I got a digital camera for Europe and I'm very excited about it...a little stressed out...but its still good! Yeah, and dvds, shirts, boots, and other good stuff. Maybe it was because it was raining, or maybe its because I'm just not 5 years old anymore...but it wasnt, exciting. I guess its called growing up...oh well, it was still a great day. The Christmas Eve service was good too even though the second I walked in the door margie goes, "jill, your 15 minutes late, get to ur microphone NOW" and then I had to sing my song standing there with my jacket on w/ out my music or anything. Ugh, that was freakin annoying. Even with her complete lack of confidence in me, I, thanks to God, didn't get nervous even though she tried her best to make me, I sang, it was very good, and from then on the night was peaceful as it should have been. She will make a man out of me yet....for heaven's sake.... Mandy Miller's was really fun too! From picking up Molly, to the nice present from Michelle, to Bill and Ted...it was a night to remember. Haha, I personally like it when all of our friends are together, we really are a special group of kids. I really hope we still can do that next year when we're all in college. ugh. Well, since I said the "C" word...I've done a lot of thinking so far, and I might be switching my major. No, it's still music, but I really think I would be a good Minister of music. I have a lot of arrangements that sit on my piano and ones that I've composed for church music that I really dont do anything with, I love to conduct, I love church...it's really the perfect job for me. I dont really even like kids to be honest. So, I still might go for education, just in case, and see where I go from there. I really don't need to know right now...it's just another option. Musical is kind of stressing me out. I really dont know if I'm going to have time for it but I really want to do it. So, I'm going to go for it and see what happens. I'm not wasting my time on anything that's below me though, I'm a senior and I'm just not into that. I saw Pride and Prejudice w/ my mom and sister last night again...it's delicious. The soundtrack is even better. I really like pretty music, big houses, dresses, and England. I was born in the wrong century. goodbye. post comment

les fées?? [20 Dec 2005|03:29pm] [ mood | confused ] This is dumb, but I just have to put it out there... What is up with boys acting gay all of the sudden? Is it the new cool thing to do or have they always been grabbing eachothers butts and I just have not been noticing? Do they think the guy on guy action attracts girls or is the last thing on their mind girls? I know music guys have a tendancy to be a little gay...but what the heck is this all about?! Not that I mind gay people at all. I find them quite amusing actually, my only problem is that it leaves a whole lot less options for me Good. It seems a whole lot less incriminating when I put it in writing. Maybe it's just the holiday spirit getting to them, but all i know is that the boys I'm in contact with everyday are certainly acting quite...friendly? There should be more Mr. Darcys in this world- Manly, brooding, humble and very attractive. Same goes for Mr. Sully of Dr. Quinn. I'm just going to blame this problem on the media. It's their fault. There, it's a fait accompli. post comment

In my shoes [19 Dec 2005|04:41pm] [ mood | optimistic ] Today was awesome. While accompanying the choir in my sparkly green 7ups outfit, something got screwed up and the song just went downhill from there. But, on the brightside, the middleschool and my choir had their complete attention on me. How special is that?! Then I fell down the stairs; what a scene. I was the talk of the band for, oh, 2 minutes. But at least people were talking about me! Yes, I was the center of attention today. Everyone gets their 15minutes of fame, interestingly enough, mine seemed to last much longer than 15 minutes... Note for the stupid: I'm being sarcastic. And no, I don't apologize for calling you stupid if you thought that I was serious. Things like that just seem to happen to me. But then again, there are people that would kill to be in my shoes...I'm lucky that I even have the opportunity to perform... talented enough to be "the center of attention." But mostly lucky that I can be such an idiot and still have friends. What are they thinking? The wedding on Saturday was fun and went very well. Handcuffed cats, good food and old people dancing are the key ingredients to a good day I think. Alright, so the moral is: People would kill me just to take my shoes ....that's not right.... probably more accurate though...how's that for being optimistic?? Oh well....love and joy....and peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control to you all!! post comment

It's a snow day. I am bored. I took a survey. Enjoy [09 Dec 2005|10:46am] [ mood | peaceful ] All about yourself...the survey. All about yourself... First name?:: Jillian Middle name?:: Marie Like your name?:: sure, especially when John says it haha Named after anyone?:: there is only one jillian miller Any nicknames?:: jill? Age?:: 18, yeah, im a grown up now Birthdate?:: 9/27/87 Birthplace?:: Pottstown Time you were born?:: Nobody remembers, isnt that nice? Current location?:: my house Height?:: 5'2" Like your height?:: no, i want to be 5'5" w/ brown eyes..smile like the sunrise Eye color?:: blue Contacts/glasses?:: contacts Hair color?:: brown Natural hair color?:: brown Dye your hair often?:: no, but i might when i start getting sick of it Righty or lefty?:: righty Your favorite... Type of music?:: Truly, it's classical and soundtracks and stuff...but I do love my rock too Band or singer?:: Third eye blind and Jewel! Yanni of course, although he is neither a band or a singer...I loove Charlotte Martin too TV show?:: Gilmore Girls and the OC Movie?:: Romeo and Juliet, Little Women and A Knights Tale TV channel?:: the WB Radio station?:: 102.5 and 90.1 Place to be?:: home, Kerri's house or Bermuda Thing to do?:: play piano and watch movies Food?:: Pasta! I ate like 8 types of it at the banquet last night, that was heaven Non alcoholic drink?:: Grapefruit juice Alcoholic drink?:: Moi?? Oh la la! Animal?:: horses and Ginko Holiday?:: Christmas! Season?:: Spring, but thats usually when I'm the most stressed out, so maybe Fall Sport?:: soccer Place to shop?:: Coventry Mall...it's just so nostalgic for me Clothing brand?:: american eagle Scent?:: Sunflower! oh thats so nice Restaurant?:: Ludwigs or Eastside Mario's Fruit?:: pear Vegetable?:: broccoli Fast food restaurant?:: Burger King Pizza topping?:: pinapple and ham Ice cream flavor?:: pumpkin Magazine?:: seventeen or...ok this is embarrassing, Chester County... City?:: Philly or Hamilton Bermuda..im not sure if that counts w/e Color?:: colbalt blue Number?:: 7 This or that... Chocolate or vanilla?:: vanilla Pepsi or coke?:: coke Hot or cold?:: cold Black or white?:: white Dog or cat?:: cat French toast or pancakes?:: pancakes French fries or onion rings?:: curly fries! Hamburger or hot dog?:: hamburger Pepperoni or sausage?:: sausage Britney or Christina?:: neither? McDonalds or Burger King?:: Burger King 50 Cent or Eminem?:: not a fan of either Canada or Mexico?:: Canada...well, it will be after this spring right? Hug or kiss?:: depends on whos doing it...um yeah Movies or TV?:: movies Truth or dare?:: truth Do you... Shower daily?:: it's the best part of the day, right molly? Sing in the shower?:: Of course! i dont have many other opportunities to practice..im not kidding either Like to sing?:: Love it Like to dance?:: yeah, I get down occasionally Smoke?:: not yet, we all know its inevitable though...jk Drink?:: not at all Cuss?:: nope Talk to yourself?:: sometimes Believe in yourself?:: not enough Play an instrument?:: Piano and mallets Go to school?:: unfortunately, but not today! Go to college?:: I will by this time next year, shutter... Have a job?:: kinda...my daddy's my boss Like your job?:: im getting minimum wage from my own family, so not really Want to get married?:: yes Want to have kids?:: we'll see.. Get along with your parents?:: got to love them Get along with your siblings?:: Natalie's freakin awesome..most of the time Drive?:: you could call it that...yes i drive Random... Do you think you're trustworthy?:: with secrets yes, with objects, no... Think your funny?:: when i feel like it, not everyday do you get to hear me talk to my gymbag though Ever toilet papered someones house?:: nah Gone garbage can tipping?:: noo What are your parents names?:: David and April Siblings names?:: Natdaddy Do you wash your hands frequently?:: oh yeah! im getting to be like Leo in Aviator How many time a day do you brush your teeth?:: around 5 Collect anything?:: awards haha jk Ever been in love?:: in a way In love right now?:: no..not with a real person anyway What color pants are you wearing right now?:: black How does your hair look?:: its 10 AM on a snow day...what do you think? Ever had your heartbroken?:: well, yes, it breaks a lot actually over small things i guess Ever broken the law?:: only stupid laws Been arrested?:: nope Been out of the country?:: yep, I'm going to Europe too! sorry needed to brag Can you stick your fist in your mouth?:: ouch, no When was the last time you got drunk?:: never, its one of the most unattractive things I think a person can do, just my opinion Do you do drugs?:: no When was the last time you were high on anything?:: the last time I listened to my districts cd Do you prefer the lights on or off?:: off Would you ever get plastic surgery?:: only if i was in an accident Do you prefer boxers or briefs?:: boxers, although Im not the one wearing them Do you like to laugh?:: who doesnt? Ever had a bloody nose?:: no Have you ever caught a fish?:: yep What was the last thing you ate?:: pancakes What time do you go to bed?:: 11 something What's your favorite color?:: purple or colbalt blue Do you like to give or recieve?:: recieve, I wont lie Are you obsessed with anything/anyone?:: um, no comment... Do you live alone?:: nope Do you own a blender?:: heck yeah, do i use it, no Do you like the snow?:: Its so beautiful! Ever been up a mountain?:: Yep, skiing Ever been rootin'?:: ay?? Do you like surprises?:: ehh, hard to say Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d post comment

# of things in my past that I regret:0 [06 Dec 2005|04:25pm] [ mood | good ] Hi. I dont really feel like writing, I just feel obligated because I am fortunate enough to finally be able to. I broke my mouse yesterday in frustration at someone...I'm not going into detail because I rather not immortalize their stupidity in this thing. It's just not worth it. Um, life is very boring right now, but actually, it could be considered very interesting if you look at it from a different angle. Playing for recitals, practicing for weddings and getting boatloads of music is just becoming normal for me now. It's a freakin lot of work though. I'm kind of sick right now actually...I dont really mind it, but I hate what it does to my head...my mind works like I am a completely different person when I'm sick. I've been thinking about ballet all day. Dont ask me why. Well, other than ballet, I've been regretting things, wondering if I can fix them, deciding whether I want to fix them...It's pretty exhausting. Here's some examples of a few trival regrets: Not beating my sister up when she convinced me that I was a boy and that I was mentally retarded Wasting all that time fighting with Erin and Lindsey over who knows what... Allowing my old piano teacher to not only intimidate me, but give me a stomach disorder because of how nervous I was around her. Not doing districts in 10th grade Never trying out for a lead role Letting Rob think he was better than me Letting some friendships die out Giving up on people etc, etc... Just think for a moment, if you could go back in time and fix all your broken relationships, would you really want to? Sometimes the best stories are the ones with cliffhangers, you never really do know what could have happened, it leaves room for imagination, even hope. I do hope that maybe some time in the future things will work themselves out...then again, maybe its better this way. I know who I am. I know what kind of person I want to be. Do I really want to surround myself with people who are still so lost and confused...I guess it depends on the person. But that's stupid. Who am I to judge? and why would I want to? "You will be judged by the measure that you judge." I guess I don't really regret the way things work out. After all in the end, I believe that we ultimately make our own decisions. If I end up hating my decisions, I'll eventually begin to hate myself and that's a horrible way to live. Therefore, it's just better to live without regrets. Everything has a purpose I suppose. Um, cable tv rocks. Wow, Friday was fun...truly entertaining. This week is going to be okay though I think. I'm excited for the band banquet...I want my gift! And Friday we're preforming at the Elks club...they have a big moose head on the wall...thats always fun. Well, I suppose I'll end this with a "peace and love" to everyone...that's the way my grandfather has always ended things...I think it's a good tradition between the two of us. post comment

Thanksgiving [27 Nov 2005|11:43am] [ mood | relaxed ] Things I have done over break: 1. Cleaned out my bookbag and found five half-eaten oatmeal cream pies completely transformed into something that doesn't resemble food at all (I should have started with something more interesting and less disgusting...sorry) 2. Went to Shady Maple for the first time! Very awesome. 3. Polished over 50 pieces of silver and placed them on a shelf in a corner of a room that nobody ever goes in to do anything, let alone looks at the silver...mother's orders. 4. Practiced my jazz band music...for five minutes 5. Drove to Molly's house and didn't get lost 6. Walked around Kutztown University with Nat at night, it was like being a real college student... the things they dont tell you on college tours...jk, it was very quiet actually 7. Saw the new Harry Potter movie 8. Became obsessed with Harry Potter, wanted to be Hermione and all that good stuff for an entire day...It was like seventh grade all over again 9. Got a life so I could stop being such a loser 10. worked at the greenhouse for three days straight planting bulbs for many hours, all the time marveling about how greatly the bulbs resembled the "amazing gobstoppers (sp?)" from Willy Wonka. 11. Ate Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving which was very pleasant 12. Ate Thanksgiving dinner for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday since Thanksgiving 13. Decided I would become an artist over break. I drew three pictures and threw away all but one. 14. Discovered Dr. Quinn fanfiction...I am not the only one who is still obsessed with that show 15. Took a nap everyday almost, I'm feeling really healthy 16. Decided that I am going to continue to attempt to live this lifestyle even when school starts again...Living every moment in the present; the past is at God's feet, the future is in God's will and the present is in God's hands. That's all I need to know. So, how am I going to spend my last day? I dont know, maybe I'll do my french composition or take a nap or watch a movie...tough decision. I hope everyone's break was as wonderful as mine...all I know is that I have a great life that I am very thankful for. post comment

How about love? [19 Nov 2005|06:19pm] [ mood | loved ] "If love be rough with you, be rough with love prick love for pricking and you beat love dooowwn!"- R&J I watched Romeo and Juliet again for the first time in about a year in a half. It is my favorite movie for a reason. So today on the bus to districts, Mrs. Yurick was asking me if I was still with "that Phil dude" and I answered with great enthusiasm, absolutely not. And I even told her how I really think the whole relationship thing is a big waste of time. Ever since I started going out with him, I kind of stopped believing in love. I mean, I loved him...I cared about him more than I care about the ordinary person...but it just wasnt what I always thought love should be. And for a while now, I've just decided that I made up what "love" really is by watching too many movies, for example, Romeo and Juliet. Hence, the reason I haven't watched it in almost two years. I mean, I was thinking, I dont think I'm capable of caring for a boy that much, I've never wanted to give up everything for a stupid boy...either they care about me too much or they dont really care at all. I would give up everything for my mother though. I think about my friends continually. My family has loved me just enough that I know that they're here for me, but not so much that I can't live my own life. Two really special friends supported me soo much today through districts by just taking the time to write an email and call.... That is real love. It's not Hollywood perfection, it's not so intense that I would commit suicide, but it is there. So, I haven't found it in a boy yet which is fine with me, but after today and watching that movie...I can't help but believe that there is such a thing as "selfless-love." Maybe next time around, it can be love at first sight. Or a love/hate relationship that really is all love in the end Or maybe I could be the damsel in distress ...I would like to be comforted for once.. "love goes towards love like schoolboys from their books; but love from love towards school with heavy looks." Anything is possible... Like getting into districts!!! WOOHOO! That's right, Jill made the top twenty out of 61 Alto I's! That was more competition than the Soprano I's had....I was 13th to be exact. I know this sounds ungrateful...but I was actually expecting to do a lot better...my goal was to be in the single digits, but hey, I'm just glad I get to be in another one of those concerts! Oh well, I only have to move up 3 spots and then I can go to regionals...wouldnt that be freakin awesome??? Summary: I love people, I love music, I love districts, I love friends and I love LOVE. "The world falls on it's knees for love." post comment

Dig it [14 Nov 2005|04:58pm] [ mood | chipper ] Life is just "woah awesome" Championships was Saturday...It did something horrible to me though. After that performance...I'm going to have to be a band geek for the rest of my life. It's just something I dont want to give up if I dont have to. Who knows, I might end up going to a college without a band and then it will be decided, but as of now...I love band, what can I say? Once a band geek, always a band geek. Yeah, so we got 4th place out of 6th and we deserved that. 4 of 6 reduces to 2/3 and thats about the number of people who actually put effort into the show...it's just not enough to win, but I had a good time this season. Sunday was so amazing too! Cecil Martin (I think thats how u spell it) a former Eagles football player, came to our church and he was just so, profound. It really encouraged me because when I see guys who are true "hotshots" I automatically think, ugh big jerkoffs...but he wasnt at all. He was so humble and caring...idk, it just restored my hope in humanity. If you think about it, the coolest people arent vain, they dont care what other people think about them, and their dreams are not made to promote themselves but to fulfill themselves. Very cool guy. I must admit, I dont regret leaving my old church at all. It's a weird feeling actually, it's almost like, I left my childhood home to go live in a palace and eventhough I would never want to downgrade after living in such a way, there's still a pull on my heart...but not enough to make me want to go back. Thats call regression. With that said, I'm not coming back to you. I'm sorry if your heart breaking ruined your day...too bad, sometimes it will be that way. Yeah, I know, I stole those words and changed them. Deal with it punk. Well I have nothing to do tonight...but smile (I know, another stolen line, I should just put quotes around it, look at all the words and time I wasted when I could have just done this "quote.") Districts is Saturday too...AHHH! (see, I typed that because it wouldnt be good for my voice to do that outloud, but yes, I'm scared, will u please pray for your awesome friend who really wants to go all the way??) Alright, relaxation time. Dig it. Love and peace post comment

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