I'm just a singer, you're the world's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
I'm just a singer, you're the world

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Just some suggestions [19 Mar 2007|08:09pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I've learned that there are a few things you should just never do if it can be helped:
1. Never wish for more drama, because you are sure to get it. I confess, my life can be so easy/boring. I make all the right decisions. I know what is bad for me, so I stay away. So I decided to wish that I would screw up, get some attention, learn some lessons and move on. It was so not worth it.

2. Never tell other people that your mom is annoying because 9 times out of 10 she'll do something so incredibly nice after you've gone and talked behind her back, that you'll feel like the scum of the earth. Mom's rock.

3. Never get a crush on someone you've only seen from your window, because you'll end up imagining them to be the person that you want them to be, and then when you finally do talk to them, you'll find out that he's not as similar to Chris from the Hush Sound as you thought he would be...why must his name be Phil??!

4. Never tell your Musicianship teacher that you would like to improve your sight-reading skills..because apparently he'll want to help you out with that in the middle of class infront of everyone! Thank God I didn't screw up!

5. Don't write poetry when you're in middle school...it's just going to embarrass you later.

6. Don't write song lyrics on worksheets and forget about it. Nothing is worse than getting a paper returned to you by a teacher and seeing that you wrote, "If I had money enough to spend, or leisure time to spend a while, there is a fair maid in this town that surely has my heart beguiled." I sound like an Irish lesbian.

7. Never pet a hampster after you eat popcorn.

8. Don't kick rocks with sandals on.

9. Never confuse people asking you to accompany them as an offer of friendship. It's a meaningless, selfish, one-sided request that is the musical equivilant of a one-night stand...only more stressful.

10. You know how when you see your language teacher outside of class, it's appropriate to say "bonjour?" If you're in a public place, outside of school, DON'T DO IT!

Now..here are some things that you totally should do:
1. READ for pleasure...what's the point of being the most literate country in the world if you don't take advantage of it? If you don't know where to start, here are a few suggestions: Jane Eyre, Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy, anything by Phillipa Gregory, In My Words- Yanni's biography, Chasing Down the Dawn- Jewel's biography, Harry Potter, Great Expectations...

2. Hang out with your parents. Maybe this seems so much better because I don't see them everyday anymore...but the more interested you seem to be in them, the more interesting they become. Especially ask about who they dated when they were your age...you will be amazed.

3. Walk to classes a different way everyday.

4. Stop drinking soda...apparently you lose 5 pounds

5. Caculate how much money you're spending every minute to be sitting in your seat, listening to some old man talk about the Old Testament and think about it everytime you decide you would rather be sleeping.

6. LISTEN TO THE HUSH SOUND BECAUSE THEY ARE AMAZING (but don't pretend that you love them the way I do because you can't)

7. Go to concerts...rock bands, orchestras, highschool musicals...it doesn't matter,they are inspiring.

8. Compliment people when you really mean it.

9. Write about your day as if it was a short story...I find it amusing at least...

10. Go to church, if not for personal religious reasons, at least go for the community...or the glass...or the food...the God stuff will come later, I promise.

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What?! [05 Jan 2007|05:45pm]
So, tonight I had the option of going to a party, a dance or bowling....and do you know what I'm doing?

Having dinner with my aunt Betty.


Life is screwy, isnt it?
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And that's what Christmas is all about [24 Dec 2006|11:10am]
[ mood | excited ]

It's just not Christmas until some drunken man from the Fire Co. puts on a Santa suit, sits on his fire truck, rides around for 3 hours and pisses off all the old people still in church, scares my cats into seizures, and then attempts to turn the truck around in my driveway (and every year fails to do so)...and all we get is a gay candycane.

God, do I love it! My day has offically been made.

So happy to be home, so happy to have seen my friends, so happy to be with my family! Looove this holiday.

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"I'm so going ryan atwood on his ass" [08 Dec 2006|12:31pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

Mysteries solved.

At the beginning of this day, I had about 20 unanswered questions, some of which were crucial to find out in the next 24 hours or I fail, school/life, etc. So I go to class and for 5 minutes worry to the point that I'm going to literally urinate in my underpants (sorry, Sarah says that all the time....it just caught on, yeah son!) and then the words of a genius comes to me, "I wont worry my liiife awaaay heeey whoooaah!" So I say a little prayer that by the time I get back to my room, everything will be sorted out because I know God takes care of that stuff.

And behold, what do I see laying on my bed? The paper I need. What is in my mailbox? An email explaining everything I have to do. Not to mention the fact that reading Alto clef just clicked in my head, I need to find a ride to get Christmas presents for my roomies and it just so happens my mom is coming up to go to KOP tonight, that girl and that boy broke up, and I am completely done caring about my self-esteem.

Miracles my friends, tis the season for miracles....

I am not so naive anymore. Like my friend eric said, "there may have been a time Jill when you thought crystal meth sounded like a pretty rock, but those days are over." And he is right...I swear, I've never been and seen others get screwed over more in my life, nor I have I ever had to talk about masturbation so much...but that's a different story. College is really confusing. Just when I think I'm set and I've found my place and my friends...I realize that there's really nothing I can trust. Even the people I think I am the closest to, they would probably stab me in the back when it came down to it.

I want to believe everyone is good deep down. I listen to a Beethoven Sonata and in the midst of trauma and dissonance, there is always that recapitualtion of goodness. I hear Jason Mraz, Jewel and Josh Groban sing about love, mistakes and simplicity and in them, I see people who are trying to correct themselves and in the proccess, preach goodness to us all.

There has to be hope. But then again, Adam Broody and Rachel Bilson just broke up...talk about depressing.

So, I had my recital on Monday and it made me realize something too. My piano teacher told me the lesson before that honestly, he could care less about my self-esteem, he just wanted me to do well for the sake of doing well. And I didn't understand that at all really. And then Monday came and I was scared out of my mind. If I messed up, I was going to feel like I was so worthless, like I was worse than everybody else, like I chose the wrong major....and then I realized how many "I's" there were in my worries when really, my playing has nothing to do with me.

I did well in that recital only because I was well-prepared and because I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me. I play because I feel that is what God has called me to do and in return, He is glorified and I earn respect. It has nothing to do with me feeling good about myself, or like I achieved something...I do not need to feel like I'm the best musician or count how many compliments I recieve...

All I want is to do my job, to be a good person deep down, and to seek out the truth.

Yep, I feel better now. Going to psychology now: the origin of sexual tension and uncomfortable conversation. Thank God this semester is almost over.

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You suck [01 Dec 2006|01:35pm]
[ mood | angry ]


So, you're welcome.

Oh, and did you know George Bush grew up in Conneticut??

Yeah, me neither....

"yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Ecclesiastes 2:11

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This is a limited-time offer!!! [27 Nov 2006|03:51pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

My goal for this year: I WILL be in a band.

Seriously, every good band needs a rockin girl...look what it did for Black eye peas, No Doubt, and don't even get me started on how fab that Gretta is from the Hush Sound.

So, that's pretty much it. I'm too cool for this college music stuff...I should totally be on tour. If anybody needs an extremely attractive pianist who sings and is most agreeable to live with, well, then I'm your girl!

I do go through phases don't I? It's not time for the midlife crisis...I dont understand...

Thanksgiving was excellent. Food was great, company was great, seeing friends was great. Bible homework for two days straight was not so great. Also, I realized that spending most of my time with my sister and her boyfriend, as fun as it may be, is not the best way to meet people, especially guys. Maybe someday I will stop living vicariously through my superior and cool sister.

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Suspension without Suspense [17 Nov 2006|12:28am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

So basically I am at the beginning again

Caught somewhere between nostalgia, stress and hope.

I can't sleep.

I don't want to sleep because I'm afraid tomorrow may be the same, or even worse.

I over-analyze, and it's becoming a problem.

So basically, I'm disappointed, again...what's new...

I also over-exaggerate.

We had no electricity for 8 hours. It was hell, but at least I got to bond with some awesome people, yeah, there's always a silver-lining. What a tease.

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Maybe it's a personality disorder [08 Nov 2006|10:14am]
[ mood | calm ]

People act stupid when it rains. It's ridiculous...and I am no exception of course. It took me five extra minutes to get to class today because 3 entire minutes were spent walking in figure 8's trying to avoid puddles. I got soaked anyway. And then people refuse to look up from the ground. On-coming traffic is just going to have to be sympathetic. If I look up, then my face would get wet- God-forbid. And then when you finally reach the building, there's this huge collective siiiiggh. It doesn't matter if you're actually in a bad mood or not- it's raining so you can't actually have intelligent feelings, no, you have to numb yourself to rational thought and act like the rain has washed away your brains and happiness.

I've decided that I love the rain today. I have my violin playing test at 3:20 and if I sound terrible (which I will) I can just blame it on the weather...temperature causes fluctuation in pitch...and of course, because it's raining, I can't function normally. Even The Asian can understand that.

On another note, my life is constantly evolving...it's morphing into something beautiful. I'm very excited.


There is far too much chemistry...

And drama...

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"It's hard to whistle when you're smiling so much" [26 Oct 2006|09:04am]
[ mood | high ]

Everybody has those moments in their life that they store away in their memories so that any given moment, they can pull them out again and continue the savoring from where they left off. Last weekend was one of those memories along with the beach as a kid, and dinner at my nana's, and the last day of school sophmore year with Molly and Kerry that I will treasure above all others....cause I got to see Jason Mraz!!!

He is a special man; a very special man. Nobody can do special like that man can (nobody can write amazing prose like Jill can either, unless you're Dr. Seuss). Anyway, he is the most natural, talented performer that I've ever seen in action. It's really something when you can go up on stage, close your eyes and yet make everyone in the audience feel like you are singing specifically to them. I'm telling you, not one person walked out of there without a greater sense of self-worth, "gee, if Jason Mraz thinks that la la la la la la la life is wonderful...well, it must be!" And he's a cutie. I would commit to a long-term relationship with Jason Mraz. In fact, I would even just skip over my stupid "pretend I hate the person that I actually like" phase and just be like, "hey dude, your life inspires me, I read your journal everyday and I promise I'm normal so please date me."

Actually, that's one thing I learned this weekend by listening to his song, "I'm Yours" (amazing amazing song, go download it now and watch your life change!) How much time have I wasted playing hard to get? How many people have I confused/hurt/creeped out because I need to feel validated? I made a freakin egotistical Junior here, feel so insecure because of my "games" that he had to reduce himself to a facebook message defending his normalcy.

"So I wont hesitate no more no more, it cannot wait, I'm yours. There's no need to complicate, our time is short, this is our fate, I'm yours."

So, I did the concert thing, but before that I got to hang out Kerry on Thursday which was wonderful, cause I love her. And I love watching Dr. Quinn with her. Haha and then Saturday I got to hang out with my other lover Molly at Kutztown before the concert. I'm telling you, my molly and kerry time is right up there with shower and bed time. And when applicable, boyfriend time. Plus, without Molly, my nails would look like crap. A nail file....who would have thought...

So, I had another realization due to this concert, but it involves a disclaimer so....

DISCLAIMER: Because I go to a christian school, and because I have obviously stated my belief in God, and because I am totally sarcastic by nature, I feel no guilt in stating my following theory and hope that everyone realizes that all Ten Commandments are being kept sacred here...

WWJD....what WOULD Jason do? That's how I've been evaluating every situation lately. Would Jason Mraz have pancakes or granola for breakfast? I thought granola, so that's what I ate. Would Jason Mraz do his essay now or wait a few hours? Jason Mraz would totally save that essay and go have a jam session with Tocca. So that's what I did (although it was less of a jam session and more of a "practicing Bach hands-alone" sort of ordeal...and no, Tocca was not there unfortunately). And, how exactly does Jason Mraz handle his creepy stalker fans? I assume that he is very polite and kind but gets the point across that they are creeping him out and they need to leave him the hell alone. And I tried that, but for some reason I don't think it worked...

Yeah, so I have a really weird stalker who I blatanly just had to tell last night that no, I do not like him, I will never like him, and he should probably just leave me alone. What did I get as a response? Something along the lines of, "okay, may I form a deep, lasting friendship with you then? I'm sorry you're feeling creeped out, I'll be praying that you can sort out your issues." What is up with these people?!! I swear, the more they act all holy and pure around me, the more I feel like saying "damn" and "shit" around them.

But Jason Mraz would have never written such a paragraph in his journal. Driving home on Sunday, Molly and I were talking and we were inspired (by Jason Mraz of course) to just "take life and like it." So much crap happens to us all, but it is the people who know how to handle it in a refined way, without complaining or lamenting about it, that evolve into the most beautiful and wise creatures.

Wow, can you tell that I have discovered a new passion? Hey, there's nothing wrong with that though. You know why?

Because Jason Mraz has passion.

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Careful what you wish for [17 Oct 2006|10:16am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

So that amazing teacher of mine didn't show up for my lesson today...now I don't know what to do because I practiced my butt off and I'm hoping that I didn't just miss him or something.

And did I mention that I only like adventure if I now exactly where I am and where we're going and who we're going with and when we're getting back? Ugh anxiety sucks!

Funny how I viewed those things last week and how I'm really just unsatisfied with them now! It's true; be careful of what you wish for.

So in light of that...maybe I should write on here about how much I don't want a boyfriend and how I just have too many options that I can't pick (because I have a sexy body of course). Then the opposite will happen right? Hmm hopefully!

Anyway, tomorrow I have a midterm and then Fall Free days.... thank the Lord!!!!

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What I learned last night while stalking people online... [12 Oct 2006|01:43pm]
[ mood | amused ]

John Rutter called my piano teacher, "A hero and poet of the piano." John Rutter! My teacher! That's freakin amazing...

People here are somehow getting off campus and going to awesome places and I want to know how. They dont have cars! I don't have a car...I want to know how!

Basically, I need some excitement, an adventure...and I'm not just talking about a sweet nature walk. I was talking to a kid in my class about how he is all hooked up with every instrumentalist on campus and how they go out and have jam sessions. He was out until five in the morning playing his guitar by the lake...how come he gets these kind of connections and I don't? Well, it could be because he smokes marajuana and looks like Ian Miller from My big fat greek wedding...but still...

I've always known I should be a smoker. Ever since I got here I've had the urge to check out the back of the main building. I don't know why, I just thought it looked like a cool place to chill. Apparently (since it's a smoke free campus) that's where the bad kids go to socialize in a cloud of smoke consisting of many different varieties of "grass" that I never expected to find here. So, I've made few musical connections but if I ever decided I wanted to smoke, I'm all set! Whatever...

Had an enormous laughing attack in Western Civ today. Holy crap, imagine an older black man with the voice of Eddie Murphy saying, "And these 6 years olds had to work from 5Am to 10Pm...and the little girls were beat. And do you know why? Because they kept huggin the backminders!" What the heck that means...I have no idea! But he sure was passionate about it! Wow, I know...it doesn't sound funny...but it gave me a good 20 minutes of solid amusment.

So, I'm here until Wed and then I have Fall free days which should be awesome...big plans baby. So until then, I'm going to continue stalking people from my computer and window (There are two overweight boys in stripped shirts singing, and Rachel just walked by with a cup from the Breezeway and some blonde girl I dont know...slut). Just kidding, im going to do my homework of course!

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"She's got her jaws locked down in a smile" [06 Oct 2006|10:03am]
[ mood | confused ]

So I basically handled this week very stoically. Sometimes I even suprise myself. Everyday this week gave me a small taste of hell... or maybe this is just how the real world is. Oh well, thank God that I was prepared.

The thing about being in college is that these people have much more depth than the teenagers of Bucktown that I am so used to. I am almost constantly suprised by how much these people have gone through to get to this point, how special each individuals life is...but mostly, I'm suprised by how willing they are to share this with me.

This week a boy confided in me about how his family just recently disinherited him because he chose to come here and he doesnt know where he's going to go during Thanksgiving. Here I thought I was special for going to Europe for three weeks this summer, but I've met so many people that have grown up in Spain, Puerto Rico, Korea, California, and so many other places all over the world. My friend is going to a conference in Chicago today, just a typical weekend for him. I've talked to people who have truly experienced being in love in a way that I cannot even comprehend, and I've encountered those 22 year old girls who are beginning to wonder if they are ever going to get married. I've been the victim of the unhealed wounds of a previous break up...and ultimately what I've learned is that there is no way to comprehend how tragic, beautiful or interesting a person's life has been at first glance.

Okay, so I got them wrong...again. Everyone deserves a second chance. I didn't used to think so, but I am just as silly, impractical and screwed up as the next person. The best thing I've done here so far is talking to people that I would have never considered talking to before. They have so much to say...and I have so much to learn.

Basically, I just feel immature. I guess I can't expect to understand things that I haven't experienced. We'll all get there eventually.

I'm listening to my Charlotte Martin CD and she just said, "nothing's right...but it SEEMS alright." God, isn't that how it is? I've been walking around all week after not being able to sleep every night, feeling used and betrayed, freaking out about all the work that I havent done and with my head feeling like it's going to explode because of my allergies and nobody here but my roommates know how terrible I've been feeling on the inside. I am not the exception. We all have hidden burdens. As much as I want to hold onto these grudges of mine, it's not fair. I really have to let them go...I really have to grow up.

I am coming home again this weekend because it's the cavalcade and Molly's Bday. It's going to be amazing...well, at least it better be because I need some kind of compensation for this week! Haha, aww I'm looking out my window and the tree is all orange and red and there are like a million geese on the baseball field just chillin. I love rainy days! I'm feeling confidant things are only going to get better.

So sorry for going all philosophical on you...I promise next time I'll write about homework, my weekends, and how "so and so" are getting on my nerves. The world needs shallow people too.

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Jill's Soapbox [28 Sep 2006|09:54am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

So I come to you all now in my infinite 19 year old wisdom to tell you how life really is (because you are all so young and can't figure it out for yourself.)

The first thing I discovered when I turned 19 was something I realize everyday but I always seem to forget...Never raise your expectations too high!! Ugh! Yes, it's good to dream, but it's really a bummer when you're let down, especially if it's your birthday. I was seriously expecting to awake from a dreamless sleep and find that the sun was shining directly down on my face and that my friends would follow me around all day fanning me with palm leaves while frequently stopping to compliment me on my superb outfit choice. Not really, but come on Jill...

The second thing is never underestimate the healing power of your mother/gaurdian/mother-figure or whoever has taken care of you as you were growing up. Unfortunately they know you better than you think whether you want them to or not. They will not be around for your entre life so it's best to appreciate them now. Why do you think people who are in mortal peril say "I want my mommy?" cause moms are freakin awesome!

Third thing I learned was that if you turn the G-string on a violin too far, it will snap, the class will laugh at you, and your creepy Asian teacher from Juliard will look at you like you are a mutilated bum who has his fly down.

Fourthly, I learned that no matter how many people tell you that they love you in one day, sadly, it hardly matters if the one person you want to love you just doesn't.

And finally, I learned...or relearned that I have made some very wise friend choices. The friends I have from my childhood and highschool are genuinely some of the most quality people that I have ever encountered. I realized that I have to put the same amount of effort into my friends here as I did my friends back home because I have never once regretted the time I spent in forming a relationship. I just wrote a paper for Old Testament about how God created the world for community. He made Eve for Adam, no man is an island.

So, yesterday was pretty eventful with all that soul-searching and stuff. Haha, today I'm going to KOP for lunch w/ the fam so I can get my presents! ;) College is so bipolar lately. I either am so busy that my roommates only see me in the morning and then when I go to bed, or I'm so bored out of my mind that I pace my room and stare out the window (which is actually probably the most fun thing to do here. Right now there is a man who parked his van on a walking path so that he could carry a box which was obviously way too heavy for him. It was really pretty hard to watch, but he had to look macho infront of all the pretty college girls.) Then, either I'm surrounded by people all day and I feel like the coolest girl in the world, or I'm all alone and I hardly have to say a word all day. My sister said that's just how it is..kinda annoying if you ask me.

Oh well, c'est la vie. I'm going to Philly on Saturday w/ my hall which is going to be craaazy! Sooo, life is fine. It always is, you just have to remember when a man is disrespecting you, "Bun him (Wuy!) tek man pon him tek di car and van and run it!"

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It's that time again... [14 Sep 2006|09:19am]
I love Thursdays. I only have one class so basically I have the whole day to relax, watch movies and think...I mean, catch up on my homework....uh, and practice...wow, it's only the third week...geez I'm such a slacker!

So, I'm stuck here for a couple weeks, no going home for Jill. That kind of freaks me out, so I made a list of things I can be excited about, like: we're going to rearrange the room. That always makes me feel good. I'm going to dye my hair...my hair was examined by like 10 girls who all had very strong opinions about what color it should be. Haha, I always change my hair after I get over a boy, its weird, I know. My birthday is in 13 days! I'm seeing Jason Mraz!! Charlotte Martin has a new CD!!!

Not to mention that I'm in college and I have my whole future to look forward to, and that a future love of my life is probably walking around here...isn't that weird to think about? Yeah, that's why you don't think about it, you just let life happen. It's cool and it's exciting.

So it's survey time again...haha enjoy

Random Thought Provokers
What makes you laugh?:Any orginal reaction to something that the person probably never wanted to be seen in public doing, genuinely witty people, oddly paired people, overhearing conversations
Who is your hero?:Yanni, a real life greek god
Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?:Dr. Quinn...or Molly cause we've basically already done that and it worked out fine!
How many pairs of shoes do you own?:I could go and count, but its 9 AM on thursday...not happening
Seriously... Where does the other sock end up?:You know, really good question! Sometimes I take my socks off in my sleep and I can only find one in the morning...I think God plays tricks on us because we're just so stupid
Who do you blame for your mood today?:my roommates
If the Internet were sex... I would:only go online in the privacy of my room?
Have you ever seen a dead body?:yes
What is something scientists need to invent?:a cure for cancer. I was reading a book last night and it was like, "people hear the word cancer and its like, 'damn, now I have to look and act depressed for the next hour'"
What should we do with stupid people?:put them on reality tv...oh wait, we've already done that
Have you ever broken a bone?:nope
Do you watch local news? Why?:Yes! Because, its like, your watching a really awesome show from 9-10 and then the news comes on and u think its going to be good too, but its not.
What happens after you die?:You go to heaven...anymore than that I don't know and I don't think I need to know
How big is your bed? Big enough?:well, it's long enough...
How long do you think you will live?:I feel like I'm going to die old, maybe late 80's or something...
Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d
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I have some choice words for life right now... [11 Sep 2006|10:24am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I was reading for Psychology today (yeah, I've already started doing my hw several minutes before that actual class starts) and I came across this little fun fact, "Even the person you like least is your near-clone, sharing about 99.9 percent of your DNA." That creeps me out, but it's true, and humbling. I don't feel like ranting about how everyone needs to take their opinions of themselves down a notch...but, i don't know, that for some reason really convinced me of the lack of compassion we have for each other, when we're all going through the same things essentially. So, yeah, go cry with someone today, or say thank you, or wear a sign that says, "hey my life sucks too, lets be friends!"

I don't know what God was thinking when he created nostalgia. I mean, it's just sick. I would be perfectly happy right now if I didn't have the occasional waves of memories of football games and band everytime it's cold outside, or if I didn't have to go home and see the pool and think about every darn summer of my life and how amazing it is just to be home and to relax. I really do like it here, the people are soo interesting and classes are not too bad...but geez, eveytime I see people from highschool online, or wawa receipts on the ground, or mexican boys...I wonder why we're not allowed to just forget about it and move on.

So this weekend was fun but crazy. Friday I played tennis sorta haha, then sat on a hill w/ Sarah and watched boys play soccer, then watched a movie w/ a bunch of people. What was interesting about that though, was that the first movie I watch w/ my new Christian friends at my new Christian school, is about killing everyone in the world and saying the F word every five seconds while you do it. Needless to say, we all thoroughly enjoyed it. Hey, we need to rebel too! Um, then I did my community service and picked up rotting watermelons and used tampons for four hours. God bless America. And then, I went home, went to church and then went to this picnic thing and did a praise concert and it was loud and awesome and we were head banging. Oh, and I got to pet sheep.

So, I'm indifferent towards life right now. Sometimes we get along just fine, we hang out, we enjoy eachother, and other times it really ticks me off. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it, I have to go to class so, you know, happy 911...that was sick Jill...you see what I mean though? Why can't we just help each other get over it and move on...

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Musings of a college girl [31 Aug 2006|01:38pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

I'm offically a college girl. I've had cafeteria food for all three meals, I've had an away message up all day saying stupid things like "doing hw" "in my dorm", and I've worn nothing but old jeans all week. Yes, this is college...

But I like it a lot! People call me Jillian here, which makes me seriously beam everytime I hear someone say it. Haha, new beginnings, I love it. My classes are sooo much work though, seriously, nothing like highschool, but apparently I have the tough teachers. Lucky me. The roommates are awesome, one is a combination of Manni and Mandy F and the other one is a little of Danielle and my sister's friend Ashley...its pretty weird. So far, we've walked to dinner through white water rapids because the bridge we have to walk across was completely flooded, had a funeral for this girl's hermit crabs, and ran around the baseball fields in the rain at night. This college is weird, what can I say?

It's not perfect though, not even close, and this is one of my problems. I really will not let myself be unhappy. I know that can be a good thing, but yesterday when I resisted flipping out for the millionth time this month, I wondered, how much can I keep in? How much longer can I not feel upset about Adam and I? Cause I don't anymore, not because I'm not, but I cannot even go there. How much longer can I be indifferent to the fact that I left a wonderful life behind and it's probably only going to go downhill from here? I'm sick of being the optimist. Actually, I think this is called stress. Yeah, that's it.

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.

Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all" -Jeff Buckley

Um, did he go out with Adam too?

So for now, since I can't seem to dig deep enough the express what I feel, I'll let Jeff Buckley do the talking for me...it's probably for the best anyway, that man was a genius.

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Lead On [25 Aug 2006|12:33am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I wrote this song two years ago for no reason at all really. I didn't know where it came from, but my mom liked it so I worked on it and remembered it. Right now it's 12:34 AM and the only thing I've found comfort in tonight are the words I wrote years ago when I just didn't know. Now I do. I know why I wrote them and what they mean to me, although I would rather be ignorant at this point than feel the way I do.

Lead On

Can you uncry your tears?
Can you ignore your darkest fears?
Can you dim the light of the sun?
Can you go insane and still have fun?

Can you stop the rain that pours in your head?
Can you stop the pain, can you unspeak what has been said?

Oh come light of hope and lead on, lead on
Oh Lord, guide again and keep leading on, lead on.

You can't make him love you back,
Or wish this perfect daydream into a fact.
You can't pretend you never met,
But sometimes, isn't it nice to forget?

You can't rewrite all the books so that all knowlege will satisfy you.
Maybe you need something, something more than yourself to get you through.

The sun will shine the wind will blow
The old move on the child grows
Where do we go? No one knows.
I know I'm right though it seems wrong,
There's pain in life, but joy in song.
We have time, but don't wait to long.

Oh come light of hope and lead on, lead on.
Oh Lord guide again and keep leading on, lead on.

I could have loved him, but I'll never know. I thought I could help him, but apparently I wasn't the one. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it now either except get on with my life. Today is my last day at home and I'm finally okay with that. God has good things in store for me, I know that with all my heart and I'm still sticking to it- I believe and that is the most important thing to me. Adam disappointed me, but I can take it, and I know one day soon, I'll just be doing my thing at college, and I'll look in the mirror and realize that I'm smiling again. That's how it happens. That's the difference between 18 and 16, I know how these things work.

Never thought that I would be the type of girl to have a summer fling....I have to say though, it was one amazing summer.

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How lucky are you? [10 Aug 2006|08:21am]
[ mood | grateful ]

It's times like these when I'm compelled to put in my Suessical dvd and watch that little number entitled, "tell yourself how lucky you are" until I've drilled that piece of golden information into my head. It's just when it rains it....

Well, everything's fine. And that's the end of it. So here my top reasons as to why I've convinced myself that my life is wonderful. Maybe they can apply to some of you, because you're all lucky too. We're all just damn lucky.

1. In 18 days I'm going to a college where nobody knows me or the stupid things I've done. I have no history with the people so everyone should like me at least in the first week because they have no reason not to. I could get straight A's if I wanted to because that stupid C from Geometry doesn't matter anymore!

2. There are four icecream places within a three mile radius of my house. We've got a Coldstone, Ritas, Coventry Ice Cream Parlor, and Meadowbrook all within the reach of my fingertips which is personally amazing considering that I've been named, "a frozen treat whore."

3. There is a brand of juice named "Jill Mills" that they sell at Ludwigs. Now, maybe that doesn't exactly make my life wonderful, but it sure makes me feel special.

4. I have a pool in my back yard and because of it, people come to my house in the summer, people that I love. And for the people that I don't love, it gives them something to do so I don't have to entertain the whole time.

5. I have three seasons of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman on dvd. I should never have a dull moment again.

6. I'm literate.

7. I smell pretty good most of the time.

8. This may sound bad, but we've all thought it at some point...I'm not overweight.

9. My mom still does my laundry. Maybe only for a few more days but I'll take what I can get!

10. I have two amazing grandparents that I'm close with.

11. I get along with my sister for the most part which is good because the person that you spend most of your life with is your sibling.

12. I get to see Dustin shirtless at least three times a week.

13. I have a good sense of humor and especially sarcasm

14. I get to hang out with Adam Ponzek whenever I want to! He can be a little irritating and he likes to make me feel stupid (Collin's a buddist, yeah right, I didnt believe you for a second...), but all in all he really makes me happy. Yeah, my boyfriend likes me.

15. I've seen more of the world than most adults I know.

16. I can marry whoever I want.

17. I can believe whatever I want.

18. I have perfect teeth. Well it's true...

19. I can sing well.

20. I have friends that are truly loyal and that care about me, and on the otherside of that, I have friends that I love enough to be loyal to and care about.

21. I believe in God. And if you don't understand the importance of that, I can tell you that He's had something to do with all of the previous 20 wonderful things in my life. Well, maybe not #12.....

Wow, that was a really good idea. I started off just wanted to write my top 10 but I couldn't stop. "lalalallala life is wonderful!" sing it Mraz!

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Euro Trip 2006! (Like omg, I'm soo cool!) [23 Jul 2006|11:12am]
[ mood | lazy ]

I go away for 3 weeks and yes, my room is a little different, this place seems a little smaller, but the most horrifying change of them all is that my dad has a myspace. Whatever! I dont even have a myspace! This is very embarassing, I wish I was still back in Europe...

Right, well, I'll just get to it, I have to write about this trip before I forget it, or start blocking it out, or get sick of talking about it because it was amaaazing!

It all started off on June 30th when I had to go to Albright college for three days of stupid practicing, and yes, I am a music major but even I could not stand three entire days of nothing but practicing. Maybe it would be different if I actually played songs in the band, but no, I only got to play 4 out of like a millon. But thats okay, Ryan was sooo much better than me of course...Ryan was one of the boys in the pit who, I will confess, was pretty awesome, but had a major ego so when he hit a few wrong notes at a concert, Molly and I really just could not keep from cracking up. It was a little rude I guess, he only made like 4 mistakes the whole time and each time he did we laughed in his face.

Oh well, thats one story for you..hmm right, so Albright had these really cool meal cards that were encased in this plastic holder. Now the question was frequently asked, "how does one remove the card from the plastic holder?" Once this question was asked, the perplexed and hungry student was promptly answered by Casey's sister, "Don't worry, all you got to do is pop and slide!" This statement provoked many laughs, dirty thoughts and even a musical number. So, whenever you're so hungry that it hurts like a witch w/ a B, just think "pop, pop, pop and slide"

I guess I should talk about the actual Europe part of the Europe trip haha, geez, well, it started off with an arousing 8 hour plane ride from Maryland, to Iceland, to France. Iceland was kinda disappointing, it was neither green nor did it have ice which makes it just land. And it was raining. Go figure.

France on the other hand was exhilarating (if you haven’t noticed, im trying to switch up the adjectives, I may not mean what I'm saying but at least there is no lack of variety). The cows there are all solid colors, yeah weird, I know. But, aside from the cows which is obviously what everyone wants to hear about, France also had some refreshing little towns with tiny little roads that you could just get lost down all day. And we did get lost on them. And then we were late so we got put on the disciplinary list on the first day. So much for enjoying the quaint little streets. That was in Caen which was also the place where there were riots in the streets over the World Cup match. That was really cool because we were in France at the same time when the French were playing against Italy and then lost. They were sooo into it, we were in our hotel room one night and we could hear people in a building really far down the street screaming at the tv. It was awesome.

The Eiffel tower was Spectacular Spectacular! (A little Moulin Rouge plug there since we're in Paris). You have to understand first that Molly, Kerry, Erin and I were always the last ones to get anything in this group of 200 kids. No lie, dead last. So, we decided that instead of waiting for the last elevator, we were going to walk to the top of the tower. And so we did, and it was so much cooler that way. Honestly, I just felt like I was in a movie standing on the Eiffel tower in Paris, watching the sun set, it was really just so surreal! Then we walked down and hung out on this huge grassy park area thing under the tower with hundreds of drunk Parisians. Now that was interesting.

I loved the Notre Dame too, you walk in there and its just mind-baffling to think that people made something that large and that beautiful over centuries of hard work. Today we all suffer from such ridiculous ADD that we can't work on something for more than 10 minutes, but that building is a real testament of love for God. When I was sitting in there I said a special prayer and for some reason I just felt that it was a good time to say it because how much closer can you get to God than when your sitting in the Notre Dame?

Germany was wundervoll! The cows there were not so terrific (no, I'm just kidding, I dont even know and I'm going to stop talking about the cows). The best thing about Germany I would have to say were the beds. It's like taking a nap on a cloud, no lie, it's down-feather heaven there. The only sleep that I ever had that was that deep and good that I can compare it to was when I was knocked out in the hospital so I could get tests done. Now that's saying a lot. Dinklesbul was one of my favs, it was this cute medieval walled town with a moat and trumpet boys and everything. On our free day we all (and by "we all" I mean Kerry erin molly and I) just walked around the outside of the wall in the woods and found some really weird places but it was just so fun and relaxing for the most part. It's just a happy place there.

Um, Austria was probably my favorite country as a whole except for the fact that the cows there are dangerous...(okay, I mean it, I'm stopping). The Alps really are breathtaking and that is the only appropriate adjective for that, I wasnt even kidding. You just cant describe how beautiful and clean everything feels there. And I also enjoyed the dancing Austrian boys w/ their short shorts, ow ow!! But I didnt not enjoy the half naked Austrian boys who wanted to go swimming w/ Molly and I. And thats all I have to say about the Austrian boys. Yeah, Molly and I had a great day there going on our 4 hour nature hike that we created. Haha, it was so fun, we chilled and played in a creek…we so should have been born boys.

So there’s more, but this is probably getting a little boring. Really, the best thing about Europe was that I learned so much about myself that I would have never discovered if I didn’t go. I’m so much more patient because all we did was wait, and wait, and wait some more. I’m also A LOT less uptight, “Oh, you lost my luggage? Alright, that’s good, now I don’t have to carry it..” “You think this might be the road that maybe eventually leads to where we’re going? Ok, whatever.” Trust me, it was really good for me. Not to mention I’m way more tolerant of annoying people. Dude, if you want to kick my chair for 3 hours, so be it, I’m immune to annoyance now. What I cannot get over is that the people who kicked my chair for three hours who I thought were making out the whole time were in fact just really touchy-feeling cousins. Yes, that’s right, cousins! With the same last name! Disgusting! Do you see why we made only a few friends? Well, I also learned a lot more about my friends too. Those three girls in particular just make my life. Molly and I discovered that even three weeks of spending every minute together is not enough for us to get sick of each other. I really hope that Kerry realized that no matter what happens, I’m always here for her and that there’s nothing that she or I could do that would make me want to stop being her friend. It’s just like that, I’m stuck and I’m happy about it. And Erin and I reached new levels of bonding. She’s picked up on my discreet way of placing reading materials in specific areas…yeah, because we’re sneaky like that.

But there is a downfall…I miss Adam… a lot. Geez, it’s so stupid that I spent a lot of that trip talking nonstop about that boy but, I haven’t seen him in a month! He comes home Friday yet it’s like I’m a five year old waiting for Christmas. And I never act like this about guys, but incase you haven’t noticed, this is different. I actually really like him and I’m not afraid to say it for once.

So over all, it was a superlative, gorgeous and life altering occurrence! In other words, I had a good time and Europe is awesome and you all should go! Now! Go!

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New stuff [14 Jun 2006|01:29pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Oh my goodness, I graduated.


Life is so strange, you think you know exactly what you want and how to get it...but you don't, you have no freakin clue so just shut up and stop pretending that you're smart jill cause you're not, okay you're really NOT!

Anyway, things are good, actually, they're better than good, infact they are not even in the same stratosphere as they were even last year so I guess that's great. I worried my little heart out about how I was going to be feeling today and really, that was just a waste of time. Yeah, I did love highschool but once you're removed from it, it's just not as glamorous as you once thought it was. I've been living in the real world, yep, I went to the mall in the morning when everybody else was in class, I've been to resturants for lunch with people who are in the work force, not sitting in school being "educated" and do you know what I think about the real world? Well, actually, we decided it's pretty empty, but, hey, it's still muuuch better than highschool!

There is so much new stuff in my life since the past month it's amazing I still can remember my name. Well, its not that different but it took some getting used to. Alright, I'll just start off with the stupid cat. Yeah, Oscar my sister's cat lives with us now and he's a pain in the ass and I dont even say "ass" but I just did, twice actually....He's had a big impact on everyone's lives: Ginko has flourished in size and self-esteem. Good for you cat, you weigh more, aren't you special? I on the other hand have less of everything ...less sleep, less patience, less appreciation for small animals, less self-control...but I'll be okay. Um, something else new, is my awesome cell phone! It's pretty cool, it takes pictures and I can close it however hard I want to and when I open it again, voila! the batteries are still fully charged and I do not get an ugly blue screen. It's amazing. Oh yeah, and my laptop was my graduation gift last night! It's an Acer...I find that funny, whatever, its really cool! And you know what else is cool? My new boy. He's awesome, honestly...I don't anyone else who could get away with being a nationality-confused sophmore who has passion for ping-pong that calls me obese in public while wearing dorky socks up to his knees... not to mention being two years younger than me and still being able to act more maturely than me. It's weird, I should be embarrassed, but I just really like him, he's no Leonardo, but he's a dishy alternative (I really felt like saying dishy...). Plus, he draws me pretty pictures and writes me inappropriate songs, how could I resist?

So, this is my life now. I'm going to Europe in a few weeks and then college and then there's the rest of my life to look forward to. I'm just really a spoiled person, so, thanks God, I appreciate it. I have an amazingly supportive family, beautiful and sweet friends, and all the electronics I'll ever need...

Except an Ipod (sob, cry, whine, my life sucks)

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