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I'd Sever the Stars...

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[31 Dec 2003|07:02pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies- I Believe I Can Fly ]

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! =D



Wooo, New Years Eve, good times good times. Lani, Alex, Brad, Yoshi and I spent the whole day out shopping for post-Christmas crap that we really don't need but want anyway, it was the most fun I've had in a looong time. Yoshi was hit on by some man with a receeding hair line and bad teeth while we were on the train, "Hey, did it hurt falling from Heaven?". Wow, I can't believe people still use that line..or maybe it was just him. Lani and Alex got yelled at in a store for some good old PDA/molestion =D. I thought it was cute, and so did Yoshi and Brad, but I guess the store manager didn't...oh well. Tonight everyone's going over Brad's house for a good old New Year's par-taay!! -boogies-

There was only one thing that ruined my day. Jake. He left a note with a yellow rose, my favourite, on Lani's doorstep. All the note said was "You feel like home to me. I miss you. I love you." He loves me? I fucking doubt that one. If he loved me so much he shouldn't have been the giant asshole that he always was. I miss him though, in a way. I miss his quirky sense of humour, the way he could always make me laugh. I miss the way he kissed me, like I was the most important thing in his life, like I was his...everything. Most of all I miss the way he held me. I felt so safe there, wrapped in his arm. God, I'm getting sentimental again, aren't I? His birthday is in two days, I feel awkward, should I get him something? At least a card? Gah, I don't know, I'll figure it out later.

Mum hasn't called, as predicted, though I did get a call from Jasper on Boxing Day. He told me he missed me, and things weren't the same without me around. I swear I got so teary eyed just hearing his voice, I had to go cry afterwards. I want to see him soon, along with my other brothers and sisters soon, maybe we'll do something together on New Years Day, since I know Mum's not going to do anything. We'll have to see how hungover I am from the party tonight, hahaha. Lani's bitching at my to help him figure out what to wear, so I'm going. Later!
1| crucify the martyr

Take the long way home.. [25 Dec 2003|12:36am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]
[ music | 3 Doors Down- Here Without You ]

I hate the holidays. Last winter I cried a lot. Since then I've mostly been holding feelings in, trying to push out the sanity in me. Small, egotistic things often depress me. Such as the fact that I've had so many crushes these past few years and I've never heard of anyone ever having a crush on me, can't blame them being that my object of affection shifts so frequently. I often come to the conclusion that I should just keep all of my acquaintences as friends, then everybody is happy, but relationships won't happen that way as I've learned since the beginning of junior high. It's silly, really. Concentrating on romance when my destination is dispersed accross too many people. I'm being over-analytical again...-sigh-

My mind will implode. Everything will be wonderful.

Mum didn't call me today, and I really don't think she'll call tomorrow either. Lani's family is all I have left, and for some reason, I couldn't be happier. Thank you Lani, for everything you do. You'll never know how much I love you.

1| crucify the martyr

Gather up the splinters, build a casket for my tears [21 Nov 2003|12:56pm]
[ mood | numb ]
[ music | Guster- Rainy Day ]

Wow. Too much has happend as of late. Jake and I got in a huge fight and broke up. It feels so wierd not to be calling him or waiting to see him. We were together for four years, and there's suddenly this huge...void I can't seem to fill. I miss you Jake. My mum got fed up with "my shit" as she put it, and finally kicked me out. Great. Lani's mum was nice enough to let me stay at their house, seeing how I've basically already lived there since the 4th grade. Lani has been awsome. If I'm crying, he dosn't ask what's wrong because he knows, he just holds me. I don't know why, but it's the greatest feeling in the world. He even cancelled his plans with Alex so he could stay home with me and watch a movie. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He's my angel in a way, and I know that probably sounds really stupid, but it's the only word I can think of when I think of him. Besides best friend, other half, moron, jerk off, exibitionist, and "my own personal faggot" ;). I love you Lani, you make my world cool. I have a few problems though, since mum kicked me out, she's not going to pay for any of my medical stuff like meds and doc. appointments. So I don't really know what happening there and with that, I guess I'll just see what happens after I run out of meds or get a bill from the doc *shrug*. I haven't been getting much sleep and I promised Lani I'd go out with him and the boys tonight, so I'd better get some rest. Later amigos.

I wanna hold on to something that won't break away or fall apart,
like the pieces of my heart..
2| crucify the martyr

Be my angel if you can, alright? [01 Nov 2003|12:08am]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | Five Iron Frenzy- Fake Life ]

Dammit Jake, pick a fucking emotion for me. Do you love me? Hate me? Worship the ground I walk on? 'Cause right now I would really like to know. Stop bringing me up and slaming me back down. It's inhumane. It's just not fucking fair. Stop crushing my heart. I need you now, more than ever. You're just too caught up in your own fucking shit to see that. I need you here, with me, holding me. I need you to tell me that it's going to be alright--it sounds so stupid coming from other people, they don't understand. It won't be okay. Life isn't fucking peachy and won't improve any time soon. But I need you. Without you I'm lost.

So fucking grow up and be a man.

Oh yea, happy Halloween. Yea..real happy.

1| crucify the martyr

[24 Oct 2003|06:29pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | KoRn- Let's Get This Party Started ]

Sorry to not have updated in so long. I've been back in the hospital, or rather the home. Not much to talk about, nothing really happened. Meds are making me all fucked up so I stayed home today. Jake is being really sweet, he came over today after school with flowers. I love him so much. My mom left this morning to go somewhere and still hasn't come home. I guess I should start making dinner as usual. Ugh, I just want to curl up in a ball and die. Dammit. Life is really unfair.

1| crucify the martyr

So here's a toast to you and yours, a shot of cyanide laced with sorrow. [29 Sep 2003|03:05pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Less Than Jake- The Science of Selling Yourself Short ]

Been very busy lately. Ugh. I hate having to do a lot of junk, I like to be able to lounge about and decide when I want to do something, not have it decided for me. I had to go to the doctor today and get a total revamping of my meds. Oh joy. I really hate doctors. They just..suck beyond anything that has ever sucked before. Or maybe I just hate that I have to have meds in the first place. I think that's a start. I take 3 kinds of pills 3 times a day. Anti depressants, ADHD shit, and stuff for my anemia. I don't think they're helping me. I still feel like crap all the time. I think mum wants to send me back to the clinic for help. I don't think I really want to go back to that place. I hated group therapy the most.

"Well how do you feel?"

"I feel like I've been hit by a fucking bus."

Stupid bitch. I really hate her.

Read a great book over the weekend called What Happened to Lani Garver? Holy shit, one of the greatest books I've ever read. Go out now and rent it. I command you. This was my favorite part:

"You're gonna turn my brain into...espresso."
A laugh snorted out of Ellen's nose. I decided, She's probably one of those Hindu city-people vegetarians who drinks lima bean espresso. "You're gonna turn my brain into...a fucking scone or some city-people shit, and look at my body right now." I whipped back my bangs, ripped the Band-Aid off my forehead, threw it in his wastebasket, made a fist with scabby knuckles, and decided against unzipping my jeans. "I've got a bruise on my hip that looks like a bomb exploded and a better one on my ankle. I've had no sleep. I just ate a bagel with some strange orange fish on it, compliments of my stepmom, and before that, she tried to serve me dog doo in a coffee mug...a coffee mug, that came with a fucking saucer! Where do you people get off...giving me dog doo in a mug that comes with a saucer? I'm not crazy. I have been poisoned. My body is a mess. I had cancer once...My mind is the only thing I have left. And you people...can leave it...alone."


Man, you gotta love that. Made me crack up when I read it, and I had to go back and read it again just for kicks. Meep, life is calling again. Bye.

Love and Angst,
Aurora

1| crucify the martyr

Kidnap the Sandy Claws! [20 Sep 2003|06:28pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | Blonde on Blonde vinyl :) ]

Been a few days since my last update, so I figured I'd do it. Not too much has been going on, besides listening to my friend Alex bitch and complain about his boyfriend being uncaring and stuff. Then when I tell him to break up with him, you know what he tells me? He says that he won't break up with his "because he's too good of a shag." Arrrgggg! I was like c'mon man, that is NO reason to stay with someone. For him though, I guess it is. So I get to keep listening to him compain, dammit :(. Why can't my friends just have normal relationships?! Sigh, welcome to the story of my life. Oh well. Did some more writing for my "saga" as I have now become to call it, but haven't yet figured out how to get that "read more" link, and I'm not going to post long chapters without it, it just wouldn't make sense. Oh the phone with dad, making plans to go visit, yay! I can't wait to see everyone, it's gonna be so great. Took some insanly long quiz thing, enjoy...

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Aurora
-- Birthdate: January 25
-- Birthplace: Bronx, NY
-- Current Location: still in NY, though in Long Island
-- Eye Color: one blue and one green, naturally.
-- Hair Color: black
-- Height: 5'4 5'5..yes I know, I am short
-- Righty or Lefty: Lefty!

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Sicilian, German, English, Scottish, Irish
-- The shoes you wore today: my really old converse
-- Your weakness: too many
-- Your fears: very small spaces, very high places, certain people
-- Your perfect pizza: cheese, cheese, cheese and cheese. Did I mention cheese?
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: to be really happy with myself, to become an artist

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: rawr, and doot doot doot
-- Your thoughts first waking up: need...more...sleep....>8(
-- Your best physical feature: for some reason people like my hands
-- Your bedtime: ha! I scoff at thee!
-- Your most missed memory: being with him

LAYER FOUR:
-- Soda: mmmm...sprite ::drools::
-- Fast Food Joint: can't get enough of panera bread co.
-- Single or group dates: dating
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: ice tea? ugh
-- Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate!!
-- Cappuccino or coffee: can't choose, both too good.

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: no way
-- Cuss: constantly
-- Sing: all the time, in the shower a lot too
-- Take a shower every day
-- Have a crush(es): In a way, yes
-- Do you think you've been in love: no. Obsessed? oh yes
-- Like high school: so far.
-- Want to get married: it would be nice
-- Believe in yourself: sometimes
-- Get motion sickness: no
-- Think you're attractive: no, though other people tell me I am
-- Think you're a health freak: no way, I love junk food too much
-- Get along with your parents: surprisingly, yes
-- Like thunderstorms: love them, there's just something so cool about watching nature get pissed.
-- Play an instrument: I used to play piano, now I play bass guitar....horribly
LAYER SIX:
In the past month . . .
-- Drank alcohol: yes, though I really shouldn't, meds. and alcohol don't mix very well..
-- Smoked: no
-- Done a drug: no
-- Made out: yes
-- Gone on a date: yea, but it really sucked
-- Gone to the mall?: of course, I'm a mall rat
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
-- Eaten sushi: ew
-- Been on stage: no
-- Been dumped: no
-- Gone skating: nope
-- Made homemade cookies: I was going to make them with Alex, but we just ended up eating the batter
-- Gone skinny dipping: erugh...no
-- Stolen anything: no way

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever . . .
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: sadly yes
-- Been caught doing something?: yes, and it was most embarassing ::blushes furiously::
-- Been called a tease: yes, too many times
-- Gotten beaten up: not too bad, and I got her back
-- Shoplifted: no
-- Changed who you were to fit in: goodness I hope not

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 20's, I think I'll be done with my adventures by then, but who knows.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: I'm not sure about numbers, somewhere between 1 and 3. Names, let's see..girls: Willow, Eden, Alexia, Amiee. Boys: James, Jack, Seth
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: I have no idea, something awsome though
-- How do you want to die: as long as I don't die naked or in an extremely painful way, I think I'll be good.
-- Where you want to go to college: i don't know, not sure yet
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: an artist, or perhaps a doctor
-- What country would you most like to visit: I really want to visit Thailand and Japan, and all of Europe

LAYER NINE:
In a guy . . .
-- Best eye color? green or blue eyes
-- Best hair color? black, or some un natural color like blue or pink
-- Short or long hair: longish sorta
-- Height: as long as he's taller than me
-- Best weight: fit for his height
-- Best articles of clothing: pants
-- Best first date location: somewhere outside and fun, not a movie
-- Best first kiss location: outside somewhere

LAYER TEN:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: 0
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: very few
-- Number of CDs that I own: rack upon rack upon rack
-- Number of piercings: umm...18 I think
-- Number of tattoos: just got it up to 4 yay!
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: never, I made the school paper once though? Does that count?
-- Number of scars on my body: no waaaay too many to sit and count
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: I stopped keeping track, it only made me feel depressed.



That's all folks! Talk to you soon


Love and Angst,
Aurora

2| crucify the martyr

"You covered in Nutella...that's hot." [17 Sep 2003|08:02pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | KoRn-Shoots and Ladders ]

Thems words of my boyfriend. God, I love the random things he says to me :). He's such a pervert. But it's cool, 'cause so am I. He called me this afternoon and told me he just watched Lord of the Rings, and he now had...how did he put it? "A raging hard-on." How he gets a hard-on from watching LotR is BEYOND me, but whatever. Thou shalt not complain. So I went over his house and played with his...legos! I love legos man. He's got all the Harry Potter sets and stuff, it's great fun. I told him I had to build everyone of them, then take them all apart and put them in order back in their boxes. He sulked for the entire hour that I was messing around with the legos. Dude, it's so messed up. For Harry to wear his wizard hat, you have to take off his hair! What the fuck man!?! That's inhumane that is. But anyway, after I finished my lego expedition, I wanted lunch. He told me he had something for me to snack on, in a very suggestive manner I'll have you know. I refused, and went to the kitchen to fix myself some grub. Sadly, the only thing he has to eat in his house in cheese and bread, so grill cheese it was....


See, I'm gonna be nice, and just stop here ;D. All I'm going to say is that the day ended with kitchen counters, a grill cheese sandwhich with waaaaay too much cheese, and me. Oh well, it was fun nonetheless. I apologize if I have scarred anyones mind with my scary and perverse entry ::innocent grin::

Love and Angst,
Aurora

crucify the martyr

You walk by, and I fall to pieces. All I want is you. [16 Sep 2003|11:10pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | Orgy- Dizzy ]

Just testing this thing out. Wahoo, I didn't break anything, yes! I don't know if I'll be updating this all the time, but you never know. My computers been a real jerk lately, so yea, we'll have to see if dear old Todd wants to work, and when. Pandora, my cat, is mewing for foodness. Gotta feed her.

Love and Angst,
Aurora

60| crucify the martyr

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