|
|
Monday, December 1st, 2003
|
4:23p - Weekend reflections.
NEW JOURNAL: http://www.xanga.com/luckycorvettegrl -I'll keep updating this one with the same entry for awhile, but not for too long. :-)
I'm in one of those philosophical moods. Definitely not a productive mood, 'cause I really haven't been productive today- I went to my first class (since I never go) and I haven't started/finished either project/paper that I have due tomorrow. But in short, I'm not too worried about it.
I'm reflecting on things. I guess Thanksgiving is supposed to bring some reflection on what you're thankful for- that's what the holiday is about, right? Well, I've been reflecting on things in a different way.
It's amazing to see how people have changed, and how one meeting of someone that you haven't seen in a long long time can bring back a lot of emotions. Christmas time is always a really hard time for me. I'm sure that it's mainly because of two Christmas' ago when everything just crashed all at once. The realization that the person that I cared about was just mislead hurt me, and every Christmas after that has been hard- on both of us.
To recap on everything, I've been hurt in my past. Therefore, I put up this wall in which people, men especially, can't seem to break through. I put it up to safeguard my emotions and to save my sanity. This spring (and two summers ago for that matter), it fell, and my life in general seemed to fall from below me. It was as if I was listless, just roaming in the air waiting for something to happen, waiting for that spark to be lit and everything to be a fairytale. That's what I've always dreamed of- a fairytale, to live out something that could be out of a novel. Something that a girl only dreams about. And in the beginning, everything was a fairytale. And as I kept chasing the fairytale, I got hurt. More than when I first fell in love, more than any other time in my life.
I'm over what happend in the spring, but at I think I realized something this weekend. I'm not over what happened between my first love and I. It was an odd situation- we never officially broke up, it was more or less a goodby and he went to college and left me to my senior year in high school. That winter, he called when he was on break, upset, and wanted to talk. It was then that we realized what had happened- because of a lack of communication, we 'broke up'. Not because we didn't love one another, not because we didn't think we could hold the long distance relationship. It was just one person saying something that changed us.
Now, almost four years have passed since we have dated. One would have thought we would move on and forget everything that happened- but in all honesty, it's still something I think about daily. I guess no one forgets their true first love, and he was mine. And when he comes home, he always calls. It's like clockwork. I used to joke around that he called because I was the only one in the 614 area code that he knew. I'm beginning to realize that he calls... because he wants to call.
He called this past week and ended up coming over. It was odd because I had a bunch of people at my house- Abby, my little, my younger brother and Jake. But he wasn't phased one bit. He was content talking to me about his plans for law school next year (ironically) and what he had been doing.
I guess more or less, the way that I felt when I was around him scared me. He called like he had said he would before he went back to school in Cleveland, but I didn't answer. I think I'm putting that wall up and trying to safeguard myself from getting hurt. I've already been somewhat hurt this quarter, but I feel like I put my walls up early enough not to get too emotional about it. This is something that I don't want to happen- yet, Sarah said one thing to me that made me rethink my actions- what if this is it? What if he was just calling to get me to be a part of his life? I wouldn't call us necessarily friends. I don't know what to call us. I just wish in some ways, my relationships were somewhat stable... but who needs stable? Nothing is stable.
I seriously think that those that seem to think that life is "stable" are crazy. Life isn't stable. People aren't stable, relationships aren't stable. There are rocks in the road, and tests. It's simple. Life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been a real life you would have been instructed where to go and what to do. But you're not- you can do whatever you want to do, and that's the beauty of it. See each instability in your life as a chance to grow, a chance to learn. If you see each new issue in your life as a serious battle that must be won to survive, you're in for a rocky journey.
I'm learning a lot about life. I'm still under the conclusion that I don't really understand it, and I don't understand the meaning of it. However, we shouldn't live life like it were a dress rehearsal for some later date. It isn't because we have no guarantee that we will be here tomorrow.
And with that in mind, I'm learning to let things go, and trying to accomplish these things:
1. Make peace with my imperfections.
2. Learn to live in the present moment.
3. Become more patient.
4. Allow myself to be bored.
5. Look beyond behavior.
6. Understand separate realities.
7. Understand the statement, "Wherever you go, there you are."
8. Relax.
9. Do one thing at a time.
10. Quiet the mind.
11. Look for the extraordinary in the ordinary.
12. Live this day like it were my last...
current music: Life on a Chain- Pete Yorn (comment on this)
|
|
|
|