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Tuesday, February 11th, 2003
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3:35p - Forget Texas
Of all the things I believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears from behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days passing by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
Last three years we'll just pretend
And I said
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I used to get lost in your eyes
And it seems I cant live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chased my thoughts away
To a place where I'm blinded by the light
But it's not bright
Goodbye...
Michelle Branch
You can say that I'm kinda breaking a part right now. I don't really know exactly what happened, I just know that I said some things to make both of us upset- to clarify, I was talking to my best friend on the phone because we hadn't talked since the last time I kicked him offline because I was trying to send him a picture and dumbass live update came between the transfer...whatever. I'm just so hurt right now, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do because I know what I said will never change things and revert them back to where they were.
I guess he's always been there, in the back of my head. We met when we were young when I was visiting fams from Georgia, and he's the one person that has actually kept the best contact in years with me, via the real mail and we were doing well talking over the phone this past month or so. He basically put me in a position to choose now or never, for friendship or nothing. I told him that I always felt crammed against a wall with him, because I always felt he wanted so much more from me than I could offer, especially with the distance- he's in Texas, I'm here. It never made sense to make something out of a distance, and it never made sense to me to make something out of something I was initially told a year ago would never be. But the past couple months or so have been awesome. It's like he's there for me, but at the same time I'm feeling that he's not. And I don't think he will be. He's there when I can pick up the phone and bug him to answer his phone in his dorm by leaving him goofy messages, but he's not there to just drive down the street and run to when I need him.
I'm not going to lie. He's my best friend- I love him, and I always have. But it's not the same type of love that people think of when they think of wanting to be with someone, because I think that's how he feels about me, and always has. You can say there's always been something between us, but never anything instigated because of the distance.
I'm just breaking right now. I feel like everything inside me has been torn out, because not only am I hurting, but I hurt him too. I said some nasty things, and it all started over an argument because I told him I didn't think I'd be able to afford to go down there, or feel comfortable to go down there for his formal, despite the fact that he had promised to come up here for mine.
I look down
See the cried
The lives I've lived
The deaths I've died
But you died them too
And all for me you say...
Forget everything. Forget now. Forget Texas. Forever. Goodbye James.
current mood:  numb
current music: Honest Questions- Daniel Bedingfield (comment on this)
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4:17p - Yay! Day brightener...
Yay for Julie...she brought me a latte and made my day all better! Thank goodness for best buddies! :-D
I'm addicted to the new Santana CD...it's awesome. I love the song with Michelle Branch and then the lead singer of Nickleback...Chad?! maybe...
I have court in about an hour. Blah. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
current mood:  thankful
current music: The Game of Love- Michelle Branch/Santana (comment on this)
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