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Monday, December 1st, 2003
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4:23 pm - Weekend reflections.
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NEW JOURNAL: http://www.xanga.com/luckycorvettegrl -I'll keep updating this one with the same entry for awhile, but not for too long. :-)
I'm in one of those philosophical moods. Definitely not a productive mood, 'cause I really haven't been productive today- I went to my first class (since I never go) and I haven't started/finished either project/paper that I have due tomorrow. But in short, I'm not too worried about it.
I'm reflecting on things. I guess Thanksgiving is supposed to bring some reflection on what you're thankful for- that's what the holiday is about, right? Well, I've been reflecting on things in a different way.
It's amazing to see how people have changed, and how one meeting of someone that you haven't seen in a long long time can bring back a lot of emotions. Christmas time is always a really hard time for me. I'm sure that it's mainly because of two Christmas' ago when everything just crashed all at once. The realization that the person that I cared about was just mislead hurt me, and every Christmas after that has been hard- on both of us.
To recap on everything, I've been hurt in my past. Therefore, I put up this wall in which people, men especially, can't seem to break through. I put it up to safeguard my emotions and to save my sanity. This spring (and two summers ago for that matter), it fell, and my life in general seemed to fall from below me. It was as if I was listless, just roaming in the air waiting for something to happen, waiting for that spark to be lit and everything to be a fairytale. That's what I've always dreamed of- a fairytale, to live out something that could be out of a novel. Something that a girl only dreams about. And in the beginning, everything was a fairytale. And as I kept chasing the fairytale, I got hurt. More than when I first fell in love, more than any other time in my life.
I'm over what happend in the spring, but at I think I realized something this weekend. I'm not over what happened between my first love and I. It was an odd situation- we never officially broke up, it was more or less a goodby and he went to college and left me to my senior year in high school. That winter, he called when he was on break, upset, and wanted to talk. It was then that we realized what had happened- because of a lack of communication, we 'broke up'. Not because we didn't love one another, not because we didn't think we could hold the long distance relationship. It was just one person saying something that changed us.
Now, almost four years have passed since we have dated. One would have thought we would move on and forget everything that happened- but in all honesty, it's still something I think about daily. I guess no one forgets their true first love, and he was mine. And when he comes home, he always calls. It's like clockwork. I used to joke around that he called because I was the only one in the 614 area code that he knew. I'm beginning to realize that he calls... because he wants to call.
He called this past week and ended up coming over. It was odd because I had a bunch of people at my house- Abby, my little, my younger brother and Jake. But he wasn't phased one bit. He was content talking to me about his plans for law school next year (ironically) and what he had been doing.
I guess more or less, the way that I felt when I was around him scared me. He called like he had said he would before he went back to school in Cleveland, but I didn't answer. I think I'm putting that wall up and trying to safeguard myself from getting hurt. I've already been somewhat hurt this quarter, but I feel like I put my walls up early enough not to get too emotional about it. This is something that I don't want to happen- yet, Sarah said one thing to me that made me rethink my actions- what if this is it? What if he was just calling to get me to be a part of his life? I wouldn't call us necessarily friends. I don't know what to call us. I just wish in some ways, my relationships were somewhat stable... but who needs stable? Nothing is stable.
I seriously think that those that seem to think that life is "stable" are crazy. Life isn't stable. People aren't stable, relationships aren't stable. There are rocks in the road, and tests. It's simple. Life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been a real life you would have been instructed where to go and what to do. But you're not- you can do whatever you want to do, and that's the beauty of it. See each instability in your life as a chance to grow, a chance to learn. If you see each new issue in your life as a serious battle that must be won to survive, you're in for a rocky journey.
I'm learning a lot about life. I'm still under the conclusion that I don't really understand it, and I don't understand the meaning of it. However, we shouldn't live life like it were a dress rehearsal for some later date. It isn't because we have no guarantee that we will be here tomorrow.
And with that in mind, I'm learning to let things go, and trying to accomplish these things:
1. Make peace with my imperfections.
2. Learn to live in the present moment.
3. Become more patient.
4. Allow myself to be bored.
5. Look beyond behavior.
6. Understand separate realities.
7. Understand the statement, "Wherever you go, there you are."
8. Relax.
9. Do one thing at a time.
10. Quiet the mind.
11. Look for the extraordinary in the ordinary.
12. Live this day like it were my last...
current music: Life on a Chain- Pete Yorn
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| Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
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12:48 pm - So, mornings suck
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Well, I started a second job recently. Tan Pro. I figured I would save money on tanning (yes, Kritsen I know it's bad for you...) and then get paid at the same time. I had to work this morning at eight, and left at nine-thirty because we were slow. Needless to say, I could've slept in a LOT more than I did since I spent half the night coughing because I'm still sick.
But that's my own damn fault because the medicine that I'm taking won't let you drink anything (alcoholic that is) when you take it, and during one week I had a date party, a birthday party, and a bunch of other things and just put off my medicine. That's the last time I'll do that...
The past couple days... have been odd. Since I'm now a part of the Over Thinkers Anonymous, Co-Vice Prez at that, I've definitely been overthinking. But, what else is new? I am excited about the holidays, yes. I love Christmas, I love the lights, and I love the spirit of the season. But this year, it different. In the past years, I've been in relationships. I've learned that I don't need a relationship, much less a boy to make me happy- just friends and family that love me and some sort of support structure to fall back on when I'm not able to pick myself up. Yet, there is that void- the void of not having that person there. And I wouldn't just want anyone, so I'm not just going to settle for a holiday hook-up. I'm worth more than that. Other than that, I'm looking forward to the holidays.
I think another reason that I'm not happy is because I didn't get the position that I wanted in the sorority. I really wanted external social because I feel that I am the most qualified for the position- I know people, I know places and I think I'm a lot more outgoing than the person that go it. I'm not happy with the position of historian- they can't give me what I want to make it a real position, so I'm just not happy doing what the position entails right now. I guess it's my start in politics, even though it's a pretty measly start. However, if I could have learned anything from Colleen, it's to realize that sometimes the person that isn't the most qualified gets the position, and gets it in the most unreasonable (my word choice is off today) circumstances- but it's because we're meant for something bigger and even better. In some respects, it's a good thing that I didn't get it because it would save me time for my internship, my two jobs, my 20 credit hour schedule next quarter, as well as pursuing the city government on fighting for more rights for the disabled, as well as maybe volunteering for the Bush/Cheney campaign with Colleen and the rest of the Ohio Republican Party. Next year I'll be sitting in the position of external social, you'd better believe it. I've got some major ideas, and I will use them at some point. :-)
I would like to thank Maria for giving me roses in her profile. :-) That made me smile.
And to my soulmate for making me the cutest card and supporting me with the boy situation.
Time for class!
current mood:  cold
current music: Erin's Christmas Music
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| Monday, November 24th, 2003
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3:45 pm - Season's Greetings
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I'm listening to Christmas music right now. Call me a dork, I am! It's a cold day- finally. For all of you out there that are enjoying the seventy degree weather, I personally AM NOT. Not only has it made me sick with the drastic temperature changes, but it gets annoying to see people wearing flip flops and capris towards Thanksgiving. Ask me in January if I still love cold weather and my mind might be changed, but right now, I am embracing the little itty bitty snowflakes that are falling right now!
I feel productive today. I met with Colleen and she's going to call John Ivanic of Channel 4 for me to help me with my "cause". On the news a couple of days ago, they aired a story about a disabled man that uses a seeing eye dog to help him see where his electronic wheelchair takes him. Well, he lives off of Cleveland Avenue- for those of you who don't live in Ohio, Cleveland Avenue is a pretty busy street. The speed limit is either thirty-five or forty, and people usually go way over it. Well, when he was coming back from church one night, a car purposely hit his seeing eye dog, killing it. This man lives alone, has no close family only his friends at church- this dog was his life. Well, I am now determined to raise money to purchase a new seeing eye dog for him as well as protest against laws that have already been passed in Columbus for the disabled and stating that they're NOT working.
I also checked my e-mail, wrote someone about an internship and lobbying position, did some homework (though I didn't attend class today) and will finish and hand in the lamp report.
My hair is black, btw. :-) Mike seems to think I look like I'm a different nationality, and Kyle seems to love it... so I think most of the men like it- some of the girls I know, like my Little Corin, aren't used to how dramatic it is... but I like it. :-)
I'm going to get going to finish my Lamp article, e-mail some people, finish my resume, and then it's chapter. I'm hoping that they okayed me to run against the slate...wish me luck!
current mood:  awake
current music: My Only Wish (This Year)- Britney Spears
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| Friday, November 21st, 2003
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4:23 am
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You notice me
And take my hand
So why are we
In strangers' land
And love is strong
Why carry on without me
And every time I try to fly I fall
Without my wings I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby, oh
I make believe that you are here
Is the only way that I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy
And every time I try to fly I fall
Without my wings I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby
I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And the sun smiles on me
Oh, at night I pray
That soon you'll face will fade away
And every time I try to fly I fall
Without my wings I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby
After all
-Everytime, by Britney Spears
I don't really know what to write because recently I have been an emotional rollercoaster. This could be for a variety of reasons, but for the most part I haven't been happy with how things have been going and with everything in general.
I guess the song above can describe a lot of what I'm feeling right now. I think I'm torn between the attraction I find in someone physically, and the attraction that I lust for- something physical and mental. I want to be wanted by someone that truly can see who I am, for my faults and for my strengths and appreciate all the qualities of my personality. I want someone to see my outer beauty, but most of all, my inner beauty. And I think I'm disillusioned by the fact that many members of the opposite sex look at only the outer beauty and bullshit their way through their attraction to the inner beauty by telling you shit that makes you think they see you for who you are.
I could sit here and wait for something to come around, and not trust my intuition that it's not going to. That it's not worth it, and that there's something better out there. And scary thing is, better may have come- maybe not best, but better.
This evening made my week. At the beginning of the week, I found myself crying over a song that was supposed to be symbolizing our sorority, but instead I thought of other things. Two days into the week, I felt a little better when I talked to someone for about twenty minutes. Then I talked to them again online this evening, and it just made me happy because it was an actual light conversation that was full of humor, and full of life. And I miss someone that's upbeat and full of life (other than my soulmate :-) ) to talk to and to really understand me. And even though the conversation wasn't about much of anything, it was just the fact that the humors clicked, and that it made me laugh.
I'm ready to live my life the way I want it. I think this quarter I've really stepped out of the box that I was hidden in last year and I think people, especially some of my sorority sisters, are realizing who I am as a person and what I want. I can be brash, I can be rude, and sometimes crude. But for the most part, I think people mistaken that attitude for being opinionated, confident and aggressive in pushing my opinion.
I know what I want, and I'm not afraid to take a stand to get it. I know my strong suits, and sitting back and just doing petty little jobs to commemorate events is not my thing- I'm a planner, an organizer, and someone that has been recently termed as "the life of the party". I want to plan the damn events, be the front runner to get things accomplished, and be the one that people can go to and want to have things planned. And I'm going to work to get it.
Thanks Soulmate for bringing me to reality sometimes. I'm glad I have you here!
My job at Cache isn't satisfying me anymore- I find it mindless, and if it weren't for my coworkers, I probably wouldn't be there.
current mood: discontent
current music: Everywhere- Britney Spears
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| Monday, November 3rd, 2003
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1:21 pm - Indescribable.
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This is my life
It's not what it was before
All these feelings
I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping
Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes, one life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today
These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping
I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
-Staind
A friend told me that life is defined by moments- millions and trillions of them put together to form what we could call memories. Lately, I've had a lot of moments. I guess everyone has, so that comment is very silly to make. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've had a lot of indescribable moments that I'm trying to comprehend and make some sense out of.
Soulmate and I have been having issues with describing what the meaning of life is. We go around in circles with our answers, and it just comes back to one thing: we don't know. We could discuss it for hours, which we do, we could discuss it with different people whether it be someone that works at Jimmy John's or a bum on the street- and again we would come to the conclusion that we don't really know why we're here, why anyone is here, and we don't know exactly what is going to happen in our lives. We don't know what our purpose is. I suppose one could say that an individual's purpose is what we make of it. But at the same time, what do we mean by what we make of it?
Though I have said that I'm okay with not knowing things, I'm really not right now. So much has happened to alter that perspective. I'm okay with not knowing which law school I'm going to get into, I'm okay with not knowing other petty things in my life... but when it comes to my emotions, I'm not okay not knowing how I'm feeling and what I'm feeling. In my past entries, I wrote about how I wasn't ready for a relationship, that I just wanted something stable but at the same time I hated middle ground. Well, now I'm quarrelling with that idea because I'm really frustrated, restless, and confused with how I'm feeling and the mass amounts of emotions that have overcome me.
I guess more or less I didn't expect things that have happened. I didn't expect to get so close to someone that I would be afraid to be with them, or afraid to have him in my life. I have a feeling that this is vice versa as well, because it's like you're almost drawn to them physically and emotionally, to the point where you just break down and can't help your emotions or the feelings that have overcome you. What happens when you can't control things? When you could have controlled them knowing that it wasn't something that would normally happen, but at the same time let go of the control and just let them happen knowing that it was something that you wanted at that split second, that split moment in time?
After an uncontrollable moment happens, what do you do? Where do you go from here? Do you run away even more because you're even more scared at what happened? Are you disappointed with yourself? Do you just accept things as they come? Or do you do something about it? There are so many questions going through my head right now. I don't know what to do. I'm clueless. I know what I want in many ways- but at the same time, I think I made some mistakes at the get-go to prevent what I want from happening immediately.
I could talk to millions of people about this. I could tell them every detail, or I could vaguely put the turn of events in sequence so they could get the general idea. And at the same time, I know it's just between me and that other person... no one else could ever give me the reasons for what happened, and what we're feeling, and what's going on in our heads. Only we can. It's just a matter of when we can let go and open up about what we're thinking.
I don't want to say that I've fallen for someone, but at the same time I know I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't fall for him. I've fallen before, but not like this. I have the craziest mixed up feelings inside of me, and the split attraction between us is so different than what I've ever felt in the past. I don't know if anything is going to come from us 'dating', I can certainly hope, but at the same time I have to wonder- am I making the right choice? There are other fish in the sea, and why did I happen to fall for this one? I can ask myself this over and over, but I still would be able to tell someone all the reasons. And the more and more things progress, the more and more things I find to love.
So, what is the meaning of life? Soulmate and I discussed that we think that life is based upon relationships. If you're religious, it's your relationship with God. If you're like us, it's the relationships with the others in our lives. And since I don't necessarily know the exact meaning of life, and I don't know what's going on with the relationships with my heart right now, I guess life isn't meaningless, but indescribable.
current mood: restless
current music: Staind- So Far Away
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| Monday, October 27th, 2003
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11:44 pm - Life is what we make of it.
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Life has been pretty hectic lately. Between work, school, the sorority, my campaign, hanging out with my friends, sorority sisters, family, as well as other special people (;-) ) I've been pretty busy.
I've been trying not to be as paranoid as I normally am about things, but unfortunately that doesn't work. I don'tk now how many times the past couple of weeks I've freaked out about one thing or another, and it hasn't been as bad as I thought it was. First off, let me mention that I have middle ground when it comes to relationships. Right now, I really don't want a relationship- I just want something somewhat stable, and consistent, just one person that I can go to, and he can go to me when he needs me and not feel absolutely obligated to be with them twenty-four-seven. That's the one mistake that I made in my last relationship- I didn't allow enough time for me to be me. I got too caught up in the 'us' part of the relationship, not necessarily the fact that we were two separate identities. I'm secure enough as a person to be independent- I think that in some ways I was relied on too much, and I sometimes feel like I was taken advantage of with certain things that I had access to. BUT, that's not now.
Now I'm happy. I can say I'm happy because I have friends around me that love me, that want to be with me, and see me for the person that I am. I know I'm wanted by people- but at the same time I don't necessarily want to want someone back. But with that thought in mind, I'm quarelling in my heart and in my mind about that because I feel like I'm having those feelings and to be perfectly honest, they freak me out.
In relationships, it seems like I've always looked for that cookie cutter type of guy. The mama's boys, who have motivation to get somewhere, who dress nice, have nice manners, but still have a goofy side to them. I could go on, but it's just typical of the guys I'm normally attracted to.
What happens when you meet someone that's completely different? So self-secure with what they want for themselves in their life, free-spirited, confident, strong both in the mind and physically, creative, intelligent, optimistic, cultured, somewhat religious, politically intelligent with very similar views, and most of all, honest? The scary thing is, when I was telling my mom about everything, she made a reference that all the characteristics of this person are a lot like what my father was like when he was younger. And that scares me to death because there hasn't been a guy that I've dated that has remotely matched up to my father.
More or less, I think psychologists are right when they say that we look for someone that's very similar to our parents. Nothing like the Oedipus complex, but at the same time we look for people that have similar characteristics to those individuals who we've grown up with. I idolize my father, and I see him as someone that I respect and hope to be like someday. And it's scary to have thought that a guy could be similar to him.
The thing about my father that I admire the most is that he is okay with not knowing things in his life. He's okay with who he is, and secure in his own shoes. That's a scary thought- and it's crazy to think that someone remotely my age could have the same type of outlook in life. I think that's one of the MAJOR problems with guys that I've dated- they're intimidated by the fact that I'm okay with not knowing either. Yes, I get paranoid. Yes, I get somewhat insecure. But when it comes down to it, I'm okay with not knowing because the reality of life is- you're not going to know until it happens, so why not let it happen?
Okay, that was me somewhat bearing my heart. I don't want to go into great details right now because a) I'm dying of a couging attack, and since soulmate is on the phone I don't want to blow her cover, so the coughs are being held in. b) I'm tired. c)Soulmate just touched my boob. That's not a point, but a funny side comment.
This past quarter has definitely been great. First off, I have the bestest soulmate in the world. Who could've known that we would share so much in common? It's nice to have someone that you can depend on when the world seems so crazy and you feel like you have no where else to turn. Secondly, I have the most awesome coworkers in the world- Sarah, I think you're my mentor and I seriously idolize you because you're such a strong individual, and I wish you would see that! Tracie, you the big sista that I've never had, and I'm glad to have you. :)
To those who I haven't talked to lately:
*Adam- I miss our roadtrips, and you in general!! I can't wait to see you again over the holidays because we have lots to catch up on.
*Lissa- it was nice to briefly see you the other night- I miss our star-searching evenings, and hope you're enjoying college life this year- I know we were both hesitant to return.
*Chris- what would you expect? My life is still a drama-filled soap opera that will eventually be published.
current mood: sick
current music: Soulmate talking on the phone
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| Friday, October 17th, 2003
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1:23 am - loving every minute
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My life has changed... definitely, for the better. :-D
I don't want the same things that I wanted in the summer. In fact, I realize now that what I wanted in the summer was something that could not possibly fit who I am now. I changed so much that it could never have worked out.
However, I have enjoyed life so far. I'm dropping a class already, but it's because I love another class so much (Campaign Politics) that I want to devote more time to the class. I'm working on a campaign- advertisments and webdesign, definitely my forte. :-)
I've me sooo many wonderful people the past month or so that have impacted my life- intelligent, brilliant people that I'm so grateful to have in my life.
Roses to...
Soulmate: for leaving me cellular hugs when she knows I'm stressed, or to come running down the stairs to tell me something I probably already know, and for being an awesome best friend.
My Roomies: you guys are the best- I don't know what I would do without you! You guys listen to me rant, overanalyze and stress out- I only hope I do the same for you!
Brooke: for being the bestest best friend a girl could have. Cheers to many many more years to come!
Adam: for still being an awesome friend, and always keeping me up to when he'll be back in town. Hooray for a visit!!
Jake: for being Jake. I don't know what I would do without your comfort and support.
My Little: for being the most humorous girl (stop playing with cords in my room!) and for being the fellow Yankees fan in the house.
Sarah and Tracie: for being some of the greatest girls on earth- who keep me sane, and are my saving graces at work. I look up to you and love you both to death!
Kristen: for giving me faith and strength in everything. :-)
James: for loving and supporting me miles and miles away- I love ya!
All my sorority sisters: for being the best damn sisters in the world!
For all those who have just came into my life: I'm grateful to have met you and can't wait to learn more about you and spend time together!
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| Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
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5:15 pm - Stress... already
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I haven't packed a damn thing yet. I'm moving in tomorrow- I was supposed to move in Sunday, but between my work schedule and plans that had been made already, I'm having a good time relaxing at home knowing that next week I'll be in a house with thirty other girls. *sigh*
But I'm tired. I'm stressed, I'm confused, whatever. I feel bad for some things that have happened, but at the same time I'm understanding that it's life.
Tracie, my "big sista" (not the same big sister from DZ), and I are going to see Kelli kareoke tonight. I would have moved in all day today, but I've had this planned for a week and I'm excited. I'll be in the sorority house by Friday evening.
current mood:  tired
current music: Waiting on Me, Homegrown
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| Friday, September 12th, 2003
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1:00 pm - Turning on new avenues...
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It's scary. In a couple of days, I will be embarking on a new journey in life- a journey towards where I want to be, and to meet people, and to let people learn more about who I am.
I thank Kristen for giving me so much support and insight into my own life. It's different hearing from other people their perspectives on your life, especially when you're so scared and don't have any motivations to just turn and move forth. This summer has been such a growing summer for me, and I don't feel like I'm the same person that first stepped on the street destined for the unknown. I feel so much stronger, inside and out- I feel so self-assured, yet so scared because I'm so sure of what I want and I'm not afraid to get what I want.
So many experiences have happened this summer to make me realize what kind of person I am, what kind of person I was, and the person I'm becoming. I feel like there's so much more I have to learn about myself, but at the same time- I'm okay with not knowing myself completely. As everyone around me changes, I realize that I am changing too, just as rapidly.
I received one of the most meaningful compliments of my life the other evening. I was at Chammps for kareoke night- it was my friend Kristen A.'s birthday, and after work I met her, Sharon, Christie, Sarah, Kristen M., and Teri there. Sarah and I were singing and dancing to one of the guys that went up to kareoke, and she looked at me and told me that she loved me- and that she saw a part of her in me. I look at Sarah for being such a strong person- she's overcome sooo much in her life, and she's not that old. And to hear that made me feel so great about myself- it made me realize that I have great great friends who respect me for who I truly am. Over the summer, Sarah's taught me soo much, I don't even think she realizes it. I feel more confident when I'm out, I feel more assured that, hey, people are going to like me for me, and not to try and be someone else.
I'm scared to move back down on campus where I'm going to be living in a house of girls that I love, and that I respect for their differences- but in past experiences, everyone at some point is so critical of one another. I know it's hard not to come by, but at the same time I feel like I would be more content with a place of my own, or moving in with Sarah or something. We'll see how it goes- I just feel like my place isn't there, completely- my heart isn't in it completely.
Only a couple more days until yearbook starts- my heart is definitely in that- I can't wait. I have an interview next week (wahoo!), kareoke night is Wednesday at Cactus Cafe with Tracie, and I might be travelling to OU at some point to visit a friend. :-)
I'm turning down new avenues in my life- where they lead, I don't know. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with not knowing some things- I'm just glad that I have so many loving friends to help me make those turns.
current mood: awake
current music: Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Poison
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| Monday, September 8th, 2003
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11:57 am - Miss Independent
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Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance
Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne
So, by keeping her heart protected
She'd never ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love
- Kelly Clarkson
I went to visit one of my best friends yesterday at Denison University. It's her first year there, and I can only imagine the amount of emotions that she was feeling the first day in a new place. But she's doing awesome- the university suits her, her classes sound awesome, and her roomies are really cool.
It was so nice to see her. Kristen gives me so much hope, brings so much light back into my life that I think is always missing. She's taught me so much this summer, and made me realize so many things that I couldn't even begin to list. She told me that I had grown so much this summer, and especially since last summer. And I know I have, and in some ways I find it somewhat scary.
Last summer was a free summer- one that made Abby and I grow together, and thus get closer. Without it, I don't think we would be as close as we are now. This summer, on the other hand, was about me. I guess I never realized the strength that I have inside of me, and the amount of heart that I do have. Sometimes it takes a best friend to realize that, and it took two last night to sit there and tell me everything I probably already knew, but was in denial about.
I told them that I was scared for this fall because there are so many things going on, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of them. I feel like my life has been one big roller coaster this summer- I've met so many people, went through countless situations, and have had to deal with so many emotions.
This fall is going to be different though. I feel like I'm going to be back into the swing of things with my life- I think one thing that I'm looking forward to is yearbook- it's going to be such a great experience and it's something that I feel was missing throughout my aimless wandering in college. It's the first quarter that I'm set on a major, and determined to get to where I want to go with it. The LSATs are coming up, the first time I'm going to be taking a test- one that scares me to death because it decides whether I get into my dream law school or not.
It was amazing to hear another person's perspective on your own life, and in many ways it has helped me balance myself out, as crazy as that may sound. I feel so secure with myself right now- and how scary is that? I know who I am, I know who I want to be, and I'm determined to get myself there.
Profession-wise, I've took a turn for the better. I've been researching positions as far as the entertainment business goes, and I think I would love to be an entertainment agent. I'm a one-on-one person, and everyone has been saying that it's right up my ally. When I talked to Holly's modeling agent, she even told me that it would be a perfect career. I even made a contact this weekend that could help boost me into the business- just the other route that I'm not too familiar with, but at the same time- it's a contact. Justin, a friend from New York, actually knows the second man in charge at IMG, the largest sports agency in the world. He said that he might be able to score me an internship if I visit NYC soon, much less a job once I have my law degree.
I'm so thankful for everything that has happened in my life- the good and the bad. Without it, I wouldn't be sitting here feeling so strong, and feeling so good about life.
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| Friday, September 5th, 2003
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2:47 am - Dublin Irish Fest
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2:25 am - Thanks
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Saint Francis said, 800 years ago, "where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy."
To be truthful, I don't know what's going to happen with things that are going on in my life. I'm going through a lot right now- I think I'm going to have to go back to the doctor and get tested for a couple more things because I'm still feeling terrible. I think it's more than just an illness- my pseudo-doc told me that I might have diabetes, just based on what he learned om college, and it does run in the family, so I think that's the next step towards being a better me.
I feel very comforted in my life right now, very safe with the friends that I have around me. It was nice to finally hang out with Holly- I treasure her honesty, her sincerity, and the fact that she can always make me laugh. I'm excited about her endeavors into modeling, and that she wants me to be involved in her accomplishments, just like I want her to be more involved in things in my life. I had fun with Andy, making jokes about Holly, philosophical moments around one in the morning, and sharing fears about heading back to school soon. I'm glad I have Sarah in my life, to not only share stories with, but to hang out and experience things with. Brooke, for always picking up her phone when I need to talk even if I do relate Woody Allen to God and philosophy. Abby, for staying in touch with me when I need her the most. Jake, for being an awesome friend to me every day, Lissa and Kristen for being my best friends away from home that still make an effort to stay in contact. Kratz, for being my pseudo-doc, and for going with me to the doctor when I didn't want to go alone. And there are so many other people I could mention- but my bed is calling me. Tomorrow is going to be a long, exhausting day.
Sarah's birthday is in a day! Happy early birthday to her!
"You will forget your misery;
you will remember it as waters that have passed away." -Job 11:16
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| Thursday, September 4th, 2003
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11:15 am - I don't know
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I haven't written much lately, despite the entry about my theories on love. I've been busy- not with actual things, but just busy. I finished a collage last night for the panhellenic webpage that I'm slaving over, and I spent the day with my friends Holly and Amy. Holly's in modeling, and we went to look at some of her proofs and help her pick out the prints that she's going to include in her portfolio. It was fun- her agent asked me if I would be interested in getting into modeling, but I declined again because I'm not keen on what you have to pay to get into the business. I told her that I was more interested in having her job as some sort of agent in the business, and I told her about how I was planning on going to law school, and she said that that's the best start in the business- a law degree. :)
I had to go to the doctor yesterday. I hate doctors, and I went because I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I'm feeling so sick and so weak that I've had to stop exercising as much as I was. So, I decided to make an appointment to go to the doctor and get tested for a variety of things, and I'm hoping I'm just worn down and it's nothing too serious. I don't like going to doctors- they scare me, so I took one of my close friends because he had the afternoon shift off and didn't have to be at work until around four, and he was the one that kept pushing me to go see the doctor anyways. We'll see what the test results come back and say.
I got pictures back from the Labor Day barbeque that I went to- I was excited that they came back really good! But I don't have time to explain anything, 'cause I have to get ready for work. Byes for now.
current mood: sick
current music: Infatuation- Christina Aguilera
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| Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
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2:02 am - Soul Searching
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There's a song that's inside of my soul
Its the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I will wake in the end when it calls
But you sing to me over and over and over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I'm giving it back
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours i pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
- Mandy Moore
"We make a journey, but from where to where?" I ask. What is my journey? Where am I headed? There are so many questions that flow through my mind every countless minute of the day that I can't even begin to try to find the answers. For the most part, I feel like I'm on an endless, barren search for answers that aren't there- why? I ask why, but again- I'm mislead to another question that I can't answer.
I feel like life is one big ominous question. I don't know where it starts because sometimes I feel a sense that I've been in a situation similar, but can't seem to figure out where and when it was. Then, I feel like I'm not grown- I feel like my mind has so much more growing to do, but I don't know how. I don't know how to reach the answers that I crave, and I'm restless.
It's been a long time since I've actually sat down and wrote. I used to write all the time, and I still have everything on paper before I decided that the computer was an easier way to make my thoughts flow faster. They were mindless stories- ones that to me, were intriguing and interesting- but to others, were a photograph of my life transformed.
Yet, the writing that I've been doing is a collection of thoughts. More or less, I've included all of them in this journal- something that I thought was a silly idea in the first place. I didn't quite understand how a journal could actually help me look back on how I've grown as a person- and realize how much more growing I have to do.
I've been questioning everything. Maybe it's just my general nature to read too much into everything, but at the same time I think I have legitimate arguments for my thoughts. I guess I question a lot about why things happen a certain way, and whether there is someone up there guiding me. I feel like there is- I feel a presence of a divine power up there that initially controls the universe. And if there is this presence, this power, then why does it guide certain people in certain ways? Why are some driven through so much hardship, why are some given so much fortune? Why do others go into crime? Are psychoanalysis just a cop-out for psychologist's lack of really understanding the human consciousness? I mean, yes, we know how the nerves work, but do we really know how humans think- how can we categorize one person as bipolar and another person as sane when both have similar tendencies?
Is life all together one big cop-out? Why do certain people endure such pain? Why do others seem so lucky with love?
I guess initially emotion is where I probably concentrate my studying. I've been reading a lot lately- I have at least five books sitting in front of me, each paged with things that I've read that I would like to remember.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a younger body and then an older heart, one that's withstood the test of time. It may sound very na?ve of me to remotely say that, as well as even arrogant- but at the same time, I believe I understand the essence of love, but at the same time question it all and then wonder why I question it- for love has no reasons, no excuses, no plans and absolutely no justifications. "Love is the wind that sweeps in from the east making us unsettled, restless, uncomfortable." I wonder how someone that's so independent in most everything can suddenly be dependent on another person for something so much more important in life than money, cars, or material things. If there really is a power up there, what makes them choose whom that person is that you will fall dependent upon? How do you know they're the right one?
There's so much you can love about a person- their individuality, their insecurities, their hopes and dreams- their soul. In some ways, it's a never-ending journey learning about a person- a stream that continues to flow. At some point, there may be a rock and hard spot that will bind a person in one spot to where they can't understand the other person- but essentially, if it's worth the effort to travel downstream, one can take whatever insecurity, pressure, or persuasion that is persisting them and push forward down the stream. At some points it may be a consistent tide, other times still, and other times fast paced and rolling. One can't predict the rationels of love, just like one can't truly predict the stream's current a day ahead of time. Time is what it takes to truly understand a person, and it depends whether that person is willing to open their doors and let someone into their life. "The river flows toward the sea and crosses many landscapes. So it is with love."
"Love cannot be seen, but it can be felt, it has no substance, yet it is one of the most powerful forces that plays in our lives." Love has all power- it controls everything. A person's passion for life, their dreams, their goals, their motivations- it gives people the competatnce to push forth in life, the motivation to better themselves, and the confidence that they can do it, elevate themselves to the extraordinary. Love for oneself comes first- without a true love of oneself, one can never share completely their love for another.
I sit here and look at the people in my life, almost as if they're standing in a police line. I can look at their image, and millions of memories extend from their face. Memories of happiness, sadness, guilt, pain, anger. All in all, I come to the conclusion that love has no questions- it is something that is understood. It's a strength, conviction, complete knowing. We shouldn't question it- especially if we feel it. We shouldn't choose to love someone, it should just come. It should be something that isn't created, is just realized, passive. Yet, we can't see it, it can only be felt but has no substance. It's not furry, and it can't actually produce a true physical feeling. Yet it can provide that tingle, that excitement that it elevates someone to another level. It's gentle, but exhilarating.
And how dare I say that I know the essence of love because ultimately, I probably don't. It is a universe larger than time and space, and greater than any humanity's achievements. It's too big, too grand to be predicted, and is always vast and transforming, much faster than science. It is so much more.
Love cannot be put into words, and essentially can't be explained. It some sense, should we have to explain it? Love has no social conscience- it's available to everyone, and has no reason or rules and will strike without consequence. Love is not something to keep score of or infringe upon. Time is an essence in everything, and with time, comes space and ultimately growth. What more could love ask for, but growth and patience? Love needs a time to come together, and a time to be apart. It's the heart that we fall in love with, not the month, the date, the time, or even the moment in our lives that we fall in love. A heart can't have a tent, and be suffocated and not be able to grow- it needs space, so that eventually, it can come back together stronger and more able to love than before. "Keep your hearts together but your tents separate." (Bedouin proverb)
Love is bittersweet. The ending is what you make of it, and as I said before, I'm convinced that there is no ending to love- only beginnings, and past beginnings transformed. Love shouldn't ask whether one deserves something, much less someone, or not- good or bad, painful or pure- it's a clean slate that allows us to continue to love without question.
I look at my life and ultimately feel blessed for having people in my life that I'm able to love. I could only ask for one thing in life, and that be to be loved and to share love. I would give up anything- a car, a job, anything- to keep those loved in my life. I often wonder if my consistent questioning of life is just futile, and I should just look at it from the standpoint that I am loved. I get lost sometimes, almost like I'm in a crowded subway, oblivious to those around me that could help me to my destination. Sometimes I need someone to give me a wakeup call, to let me know that they're there for me. And I'm grateful to have those people there for me.
I'm grateful that the universe has given me what it has in life. I wouldn't change a thing- not one thing. To go back and change something would ultimately change where I'm sitting now, and I would never want to alter the person that I'm becoming. I love the person I am, the person I'm becoming and the person that I was. I'm proud of where I've failed, I'm proud at where I've succeeded.
Thus, I tend to wonder if questioning life is a silly thing to do- I often wonder if someday I'm going to come across something that's never been questioned before- but at the same time I know that's useless and it probably wouldn't happen. As I sit here and reread what I've wrote, I tend to wonder if I sound absurd. Again, a question.
Life is full of questions, and the best way to go through it is without the answers. Why search for answers when the fun in life is the fact that it's unanswered? Life is a mass amount of things, but most importantly, at the top of my list is love. What's at the top of your list? And I'm sure when you try to answer that question, you'll probably think of multiple things that you could have at the top of your list of what you want in life. Then step back and try to make sense of it to truly see if that's what you want. Only you can determine what kind of a life you will lead, so make it meaningful.
current mood:  quixotic
current music: Only Hope- Mandy Moore
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| Friday, August 29th, 2003
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12:53 am - Thought for the evening....
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Life is a divine comedy, and until we discover how those two words go together, we will be condemned to spiritual depression and severity, signs that we have not yet found God and that we are layers and eons away from our original self. In the mystical land before our bierth, heartfelt laughter is the signal that God is present."
-Thomas Moore, author of one of my favorite books, "Original Self: Living with Paradox and Originality"
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12:04 am - The Cleveland Browns
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This evening was interesting because typically, I'm not a big fan of watching sports on television. I like certain sports- like ice hockey, baseball, and then some of the Olympic sports. But it's not the same when you're not actually at the event watching it face to face- which is mainly why I have never been that keen on watching football on television. For one, I don't completely understand the game- I understand some of the basics, but not completely. Yet, somehow my friends Katie, Jim, Kelly, Jake, Jeremy, Mandee and I ended up at Fitzgerald's (a favorite place) to watch the Cleveland Browns play Atlanta this evening. Alex wasn't able to be there because he was actually at the game, and Lauren doesn't like to hang out with anyone when Alex isn't around.
Yet, it was interesting... I'm not a fan of pro football, I've decided. I don't understand the point of watching a game when it's in the third quarter and one team is up at least forty points. I don't think there's going to be a big shocker at the end of the game and the losing team is going to suddenly gain forty points. But, I did see some of the excitement in watching it, which is a good thing! Also, I'm excited because Jeremy and Heather are going to try to pull some strings for me to help me get into places on Sarah's birthday. It's so aggravating when all my friends are over twenty-one, and I can't get in places. I mean, a lot of the time, I've been lucky- the people at Fitzgerald's assume I'm of age and don't card me, and most of the places I've been there have done the same. Most people think I look older anyways- my aunt Deidre said that my hair cut makes me look a lot more mature... which reminds me, I need to call Amy and get another one because it's getting too long. My hair has never been this long since probably senior year of high school, and it's getting to the point where I can't stand it. But, Amy thought I would look cute with Yasmine Bleeth hair- long, full, and layered- but it's gonna be a couple more months before it's remotely that length.
Holly called me today to inform me that I will be called soon for an interview. I guess she said that the position I applied for at Alliance wasn't what the head people thought I would be best at, so I might get a better job than I bargained for. We'll see what they have to offer me- I know they'll pay me at least $10 an hour with periodic raises, and I can make my own schedule- which is a definite plus.
Well, I'm exhausted. I get to work tomorrow, and then it's some quality time with my girlie Brooke because she's home and we haven't seen each other in awhile. :) Nighty night!
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| Thursday, August 28th, 2003
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12:06 am - Star-watch
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Abby has informed me that it's cloudy up in Bowling Green. Okay, so that definitely ruins my star-seeing plans right now, but it couldn't hurt to try.
I just wanted to also note that tonight is the only night out of all the days on the calendar in which Mars is closest to the Earth. :)
"If I could reach the stars, pull one down for you, shine it on my heart, so you could see the truth, then this love I have inside, is everything it seems, but for now I find it's only in my dreams."
- Eric Clapton
Right now, that's my favorite quote. Bonne nuit!
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| Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
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11:55 pm - oh, who knows!
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Well, it's for certain that if Tracie isn't promoted enough at work, then she's leaving too. Jenn put in her two weeks because she got a better position at the Ann Taylor Loft that's opening at Easton, so now I'm looking for a new job, or transferring stores to Easton to work for Kelli- it means less hours, but at the same time I still get my discount. :) hehe.
I went over to Sarah's last night to hang out with her for awhile before she departs for New York. She actually came to the mall today- Tracie and I saw her rushing out of the mall around noon. She had an interview at one-thirty with a sales job, and then her flight left at four-thirty- that girl crams everything in!!! But you gotta love her- she definitely keeps me entertained, and is a great friend to have.
I got my political science paper back today on the Bay of Pigs. Turns out my professor really liked it- ninety-eight percent. I didn't expect it, and he said that if I would have been a little bit more specific, even though I was specific enough, I could have aced it. In my terms, however, I did ace it- a ninety-eight is damn good on a college paper, and it will certainly help my grade.
I was philisophical this evening... to the point that I think Alex was a bit frustrated, because him and Lauren went to bed. I've been thinking a lot about things in life, and life in general and developing my own thoughts about the meaning of it. I guess it's a coming of age thing. I think that's what my father would say, and I'm sure he and I could get into a heavy-duty debate about it. Yet, at the same time, I don't want to involve myself in something when I know my views on life will change with age and with time. I know my father's views have- and it's interesting to see how they've evolved. Not to completely change the subject, but Lauren had some awesome cake tonight that she brought back from Buca- very chocolatey, and yummy. Not that I need it, but it hit the spot!
Elizabeth is going to try to help me get a job with Pat Tiberi. Turns out her father's best friend has Tiberi as a client- it's amazing how connections work. She's also going to try and help set up an interview for my brother because he needs a congressional recommendation for his West Point application. Michael's taking classes in the fall at OSU, too. I'm excited for him- partly because I know both his professors (even though I didn't even take Arabic) and because I know they'll like him and he'll do well.
Well, I'm in bland mood this evening. I think it's just the fact that I'm really tired and I've been running around for the past week or so. This weekend is definitely going to be relaxing- even though I work (what else is new?) I'm going to spend some quality time relaxing while the 'rents are away and not here to bother me. Tomorrow starts some intense training, plus work in the afternoon, as well as the Panhel webpage that I've started...wahoo for more things to do! But they're things I enjoy...
So I bid thee readers a wonderful evening... I think I'm off again- I'm thinking about reading under the stars for awhile- I love the evening, and I love the stars, and this summer has been a great summer to just lay in the grass and count them. I think Lissa and I counted them for about two hours one night- it's so peaceful! I have a favorite spot, so I think I'm gonna commute there and then head to bed. :) Nighty night!
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1:06 am - journeys
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I'm about to leave, yet again. I feel like that's all I do these days. I get up, eat when I have a chance, work and then sleep for the miniscule amount of time that I have to sleep. I suppose, in many ways, that it's my choice to leave and to be places - I am the one that takes myself there, right? But at the same time, I guess I'm drawn to being there. People can say that they miss me and want to see me, and I'll give in because I feel guilty if I don't go.
I feel that's a problem that I have with people these days. I don't want to feel bad by telling them no, and I don't want to feel bad by telling them how I really feel- but at the same I do feel bad. I feel bad telling them that I can't see them, and that I'm busy, or that I have different plans. I feel bad not being there for them, even though in many cases, I'm usually the one putting in the eighty percent of the friendship.
Brooke always said to be more selfish about life, and I know in one of my previous entries I said that I was going to start to. Yet, I feel very tied down, very obligated to things that I don't want to be obligated to.
I don't understand why life has all the obligations. I almost feel like people have obligations for each other- for calling each other, for hanging out, for being nice. I wonder if these obligations, something that seems so inherent is really the person actually being true to themselves and genuine, or really a front. I worry that sometimes people put a front on for me- that they're nice to get something they want out of the friendship.
On the other hand, what is genuine? Is a person sincerely genuine? I feel that I'm at least seventy-five percent genuine. That's a lot in my opinion. I tell the truth, keep to my opinions, am reliable, and caring. The other fifteen percent is probably me covering my flaws.
There's so much that I want out of the world. Not necessarily material things, I don't consider myself that materialistic of a person. I don't have to have certain things, certain brands to make me happy. If I want something, I'll earn it. I don't want to be given it. I'm grateful that my parents are willing to give me things, but at the same time indebted to repay them in some sort of way.
I think the number one thing that I need in life is probably love. In all fashions. Maybe that's what I feel that I'm lacking. At least Jake seems to think that I feel like I'm not loved, and maybe he's right. I guess the deep truth of the matter is that I've grown up to be a hopeless romantic. I've grown up reading Fitzgerald, and enjoyed movies like Casablanca and A Streetcar Named Desire and have loved them. I've idolized people like Princess Diana, a woman who was constantly in search of love and appreciation. I guess more or less, I'm waiting for my fairy tale ending. I don't necessarily believe that it's going to be an ending, I don't think there's an end to anything. I understand that we die, but I think our memory lives on, so why not a fairy tale beginning? "Part of what we long for in our wish for a soul mate is intimacy with and the expression of our own soul." I worry that if I look too ahead in life, I'll miss what's in front of me. Yet, if I don't look ahead, I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack. Does this mean I don't trust myself? I'm sure I do, but I've also deceived myself. Is this possible?
I feel like I should be enjoying the simple things in life. I know what one person perceives as simple is not what another person may think, but at the same time, that's life. I don't think there's an issue that I can not question, and not find a reason to like a certain answer. The only certainty I have is science, and what I can see and comprehend. I understand the pure science of the heart, it's structure, how blood moves through vessels and arteries, how it pumps and keeps us breathing. But at the same time, I question the deep essence of the heart- the soul. I don't think scientists, or philosophers for that matter, will ever find a clear definition of the soul because it's something that is too deep. I can't help but look at the future- memory is kind of like poetry- it frames and shapes who we are today, and if you don't look at it, we lose shape of who we really are. It has to penetrate the consciousness, or else the soul will just need more repairing later on. Contemplatively remembering the past nurtures the soul.
On that note, I'm happy with not understanding things. It keeps me wondering, keeps me in awe, and keeps me living. I enjoy asking questions, arguing my point, but at the same time respecting the points and values of others'. In general, things happen without the intention to make them happen. Knowing that, the only way to live simply is to give up the ego and satisfaction of feeling in control and just dealing with the plain fact that you're not in control. It's pure. Yet, at the same time- we live simply, but we are complicated. I think if I would simplify my exterior, limit my activities, limit work, it would only complicate my interior. I mean, if you look at Thoreau when he lived on Walden Pond- he had the bare necessities, but at the same time was so complicated in his inside. Did he even know himself? Does anyone know themselves?
I do know, however, that I'm not perfect. And that's just a crack in my interior as well as exterior walls, walls that everyone puts up. These cracks are just entries for the outside world to go in, and penetrate and make it's mark. I'm a dreamer, but I allow others to come in.
This is probably just a mess and ramble of words- I've become quite philisophical today, and I'm beginning to wonder if philosophy is a better major. Just kidding. :) Maybe it's too abstract, but I'm sure I will generalize the ideas that I've typed a bit more at some point. I guess that's what you'll get at one in the morning, when the lightening is bright, and heavy, and I'm worried about losing power because it's inevitable during lightening storms. I'm off to sleep and study. Au revoir.
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| Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
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11:34 am - S.W.A.T. dreamin'
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Today I begin my research on two things that I've become interested in: 1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacres. I saw a preview for the movie last night and I heard a lot about it in my crim class, but don't know enough. So, I'm researching it to learn more about it before the movie comes out.
Secondly, I'm researching the S.W.A.T. Kristen and I saw the movie last night and it intrigued me. Especially since I read up on the movie, and it accurately portrays the LAPD's unit. I was very very interested, and I'm going to begin researching it. I know it entitles a police academy degree, as well as monumentous amounts of training, but at the same time, I can always set goals for myself. I don't know how I'll get there... you know, with law school in the future, but at the same time I have a long life to live, and I might as well reach high for things. I know the entire idea is a far reach, but at least it will get me in more shape than I've been lately, and make me better myself in so many areas.
And I feel more determined lately than ever. I think it's because I've been sooo independent and free thinking this summer, and it's been great! I don't have people telling me that I can't do things- and that's also good too. My father has accepted the idea that I'm going to go to law school, that I want to go to law school and I'm taking the right routes to get there. My mother has accepted that I'm not going to live at home forever, and she's cool with that.
I'm also excited because my brother is taking a sociology course at OSU this fall with one of my past professors who I loved! Brenda was my criminology professor, and I loved her class- I did well in it, too. Michael will probably think she's crazy, because I did, but he'll love it because she makes the class interesting. In my crim class, we actually took a field trip to a correctional institution which I thought was very interesting....I'm going to talk to Lewis to see if I could possibly add a double.. I really want to, and if it requires me to do more work, what the hell- I might as well. I'm so interested in criminology and in poli sci, that it will give me a good background for lots of things.
Kristen decided that I'm going to manage her campaign when she runs in politics. I told her to call me up when she needs me. :)
Off for the day... mucho things to do!
current mood:  determined
current music: Soar- Christina Aguilera
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