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This will be the first of a continuing series about how to be cool, according to me. Please check back every week for each installment. There is no particular order, and I will place a +1 +2 or +3 etc., after each entry, to signify how many coolness points will be added to you, if and when you observe and follow the rules, or suggestions I give you. You can add up your total, and I will give you a point scale at the end of this guide, so you can see just how cool you are. Before we begin, we must know what cool means. The urban dictionary defines cool as: This word actually stems from a language in Africa. It was used as the highest compliment you could give somebody. If you were "cool" that meant that you were truly an individual and had done something that worked against conformity. Now, this definition isn't all that well written. The last part doesn't even make much sense because in this world, conformity is so often what's considered cool, but who cares. Is the part about it stemming from a language in Africa accurate? Hell if I know. Even if it weren't, would you know? The point is, somebody took the time to create a definition and enter it into urbandicitonary.com, and I don't know, it just feels honest, doesn't it? And that in itself, is cool. Hmm...now where was I? I was going to break this down into categories, but that is just so not me. So this entire thing will be random. Its up to you to put things in their place cuz I'm not into that shit. So here goes. -Don't be a Republican. They suck. They are heartless. They only care about themselves. They believe that the ends justify the means. If little Afghani or Iraqi children die at the hands of American soldiers, they think that it is a just sacrifice. If those nations were Christian, they wouldn't allow those families to become collateral damage. They believe in Operation Iraqi Freedom. They think war is a viable solution to problems. They think they are smarter than you. +10 -Don't be a Democrat. They are the same as Republicans, but they like to lie about it. +5 -Read. People don't read. They should. It's important. Everyday, there are thousands of books that hit the market. This has been going on for a long time. Even if you read on a regular schedule, and you were a fast reader, you would only be able to read maybe 4000 books in your lifetime. But you don't read fast, and you don't read on a regular schedule...so you will only know what your dementia tells you. +10 -Trust your dementia. Some call it intuition. Its the voice in your head that tells you you forgot something, or that something isn't right, or to slash her tires so she can't get away...um, er, let's continue. The more you learn to listen to that voice, the better things will go for you. If it tells you to hurt yourself or others, it may be right, but see a doctor anyways. +4 -Read anything by Neil Gaiman. If you are ambitious enough, and love taking risks, buy volume one of the Sandman, put out by DC comics. Of course it's really no risk at all since that series is only the best graphic novel series ever, so maybe you are not the risk taker you always thought you were...hmm...something to think about eh? After you read volume on, go on to volume two. And so on until your life is changed forever. But don't stop there. +8 -Attend a meeting of your City Council. There's a good chance they will talk about something you care about, and chances are, you may be the only non-Republican there to take the opposing viewpoint. For example, they want to stop people from setting off fireworks on the streets in Buena Park...one of the last strongholds in southern California. First they stop fireworks, then oral sex. Beware! +3 -Do not care what others think. This one is tough. I've been working on it for a long time, and often I find myself caring what others might say. Like Shakespeare said, to thine ownself be true, and to the rest fuck you...hmm...was that Shakespeare or Rubio that said that? +8 -Use curse words for emphasis only. Don't use them as sentence starters, and finishers, or punctuation. Use alternative curse words that make you seem old or corny like bloomin', or dagnammit, or "ya' darn tootin'", or "curses!", or dadgummit, or cheese and rice, or you futhermucker or tiddlywinks! Or make up your own curse words like; "you ass blaster", "super ass ripper", or "cock sander", or "freakin' ninja dick", or "you John Schwada dick face", or the ever dumbfounding, "you butt!". If you pepper your conversations with these words, you will seem more interesting or cheesy, depending on who's listening. +2 -If someone sneezes, say "curse you!'. +1 -When someone says something just mildly surprising, say, loudly and with immense shock in your voice, "shut the fuck up!" +2 -Learn to count to ten in as many languages as you can. +1 -Be creative with cereal. My personal favorite is Grape Nuts mixed with Cocoa Pebbles. The consistencey is amazing, and the intense chocolate is tempered by the whole grain goodness of the Grape Nuts, while the teeth breaking hardness of the Grape Nuts, is lessened by the sweet chocolatey puffed rice. Other favorites include, Smacks mixed with Lucky Charms, and Shredded mini-wheats mixed with Cocoa Puffs. Delish!!! +3 See you next week with more, How to be Cool. |
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bouncy.