Blurty for [low_resolution_hero].

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Friday, February 6th, 2004

Subject:please don't read this...
Time:4:51 am.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Blink 182, "I Miss You". Again... and again.
Well yeserday... I almost lost my job... when I came home, I went to sleep. I woke up today, about three hours ago.

The past few days have been really bad... and it's hitting me harder now than ever.

When I woke up, I went through my box of old letters, notes, and pictures. I cried. I came across a letter I meant to send a while back, also. It's getting sent right now...

I miss it, I really do. I miss her. I admit it now. I'm not hiding it anymore, not going to allude to it anymore. No more hints at the truth... That's over. Here it is... my unsent letter... if I could type all the scribbled out words and paragraphs, I would. But they're not legible...

--------------------------------------------------

I know you don't care, but I miss you. A lot. I miss us. What we had, was so fragile, and so beautiful... I'm sorry I screwed it up. I'm sure you're off to better things now, and I'm happy for you. These things just need to be said.

All the time we've joked around and you've said to me "you know you love me." Well, you're right. I don't think I've ever stopped loving you.

Ever wonder why all the time I'm really kind of a dick when I'm around you? Because I know you'll never come back. I know you're gone, and off doing your own thing now... and I curse myself everyday for letting you go, but at the same time I'm happy for you. Conflict of emotion is a hard thing to deal with, and I'm sorry.

All I could ever want for you, is for you to be happy.

I know you don't care. I know you don't feel like I do. I know this doesn't matter to you. I know I can't change things. I know...

But one thing I don't know is what I'm going to do.

You've always said to me "go find yourself a nice girl." Well, I can't. None of them really compare. In any way. I've had sparks, crushes, and the like, but none of my feelings for anyone else really stood up against the way I felt about you. The way I still feel about you...

Oh well. I just needed to get this off of my back. If you ever read this letter, don't let it change the way you think, don't let it stop anything you plan to do, don't worry about me.

The worst thing I could ever think of doing would be changing you.

I'm sorry for everything. Goodbye.

-----------------------------------------

And there it is. That's been sitting in my notebook for quite a while. In an envelope, filled out with an address, with a stamp... but I couldn't ever bring myself to close the tab, and send it.

But now it's gone. In the trash.

I haven't spoken to you in weeks... and I'm sure this is going to make things so awkward that you probably won't want to speak to me anyway... but, I just want to say hello. I apologize.

Where are you? I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight. I need somebody and always this six strings darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time. And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders, catching things and eating their insides. Like indecision to call you, and hear your voice of reason. Will you come home and stop this pain tonight? Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head.

I guess I'll see you sometime... I'm so sorry for all of this...
Comments: 4 cigarette burns - ignite me.

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

Subject:yeah.
Time:9:37 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Blink 182, "I Miss You".
So, I've been addicted to Final Fantasy XI: Online. It rules. But right now... I'm not in the mood for that.

Not in the mood for much of anything, really. Fuck it.
Comments: ignite me.

Sunday, January 4th, 2004

Subject:i hate you.
Time:3:40 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:FUTURAMA MOTHER FUCKER.
Hmm... So, it's the new year. Big frikkin' wow.

I'm bored as fuck. Futurama is helping take care of that, however. Long live cartoons on DVD!

Anyway... I really have nothing to talk about. My life continues as usual... boring and uneventful. Oh well, I suppose I should call Nick back... Eh.
Comments: ignite me.

Monday, December 15th, 2003

Subject:mandrake juice just sounds nasty.
Time:1:28 am.
Mood: cold.
Music:"Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" on HBO.
So... it's snowing. Again.

I'm bored, cold, and lonely. Urg.

Hmm... perhaps I'll go out into the freezing winter and smoke a cigarette. Hmm... perhaps...

Chilly down, y'all. Ew. I can't believe I said that. Fo sheezy. Oh god... stop me now. Heh.
Comments: ignite me.

Sunday, December 7th, 2003

Subject:urgh.
Time:6:39 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.
Music:none.
All I want for Christmas this year... is you.
Comments: ignite me.

Saturday, December 6th, 2003

Subject:snow can lick my balls. wait, that would be cold!
Time:7:27 pm.
Mood: cold.
Music:Tori Amos, "Winter".
Work was funny today. Rob called me at eleven o'clock, telling me that because of the weather I was closing today instead of Kevin. Supposedly, we'll be busy tomorrow with people making up for their lost shopping day. So I went in at one o'clock, and Kevin got the day off so he can help us out tomorrow.

Then we ended up leaving at six o'clock. w00t. Thank you snow.

Snow is cool only if it gets you out of work or school, other than that it sucks ass.
Comments: ignite me.

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Subject:cigarettes and chocolate milk... and mountain dew, too. mmm...
Time:10:43 pm.
Mood: complacent.
Music:"ER" on NBC. Yummy.
Wow, another update. I must be sick...

Just out of the shower... mmm... refreshing.

Anyway. Tomorrow I have stuff to do. It's great. I work from nine in the morning until two o'clock in the afternoon... then I to go to the bank right quick, come home and shave off my santa beard, then finally on to the mall to get my hair cut.

God damn is my face going to be cold until it grows back. Heh.

On top of this we have band practice tomorrow night. Yay! Plus, we're supposed to get this big ass snow storm. Yay snow! Psh, fuck that. FUCK SNOW.

Hmm... Yeah. So... bye.
Comments: ignite me.

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003

Subject:Breaking News: Lack of Diablo 2 Causes Mike to Finally Update
Time:11:07 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:Led Zeppelin, "That's the Way".
HELLO!

Yes, it's true. I'm finally updating this rag.

Diablo 2, well specifically Battle.net, has been plagued for the past couple of days... First it was the account hacking, now it's the new duping method, which is causing the servers to lag severely. Now they're all down until 12:30 for emergency maintenance.

Hopefully this maintenance will take care of things. Hmm...

Anyway... Band practice went excellent tonight. Cliff has pretty much gotten the lyrics down and felt out for our first song, and work began on our second. We've got like, five different small pieces of music that we're fleshing out into full songs. It rules.

Well, I'll try and update this more often from now on. Heh. w00t.
Comments: ignite me.

Monday, October 20th, 2003

Subject:burning. no, not with fire, you dumbass!
Time:11:42 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Music:Marilyn Manson, "Deformography".
So, I'm continuing my mission of burning my CD catalogue. Fun fun. Well, maybe.

Tomorrow, I have to go to my insurance agent and the DMV (what fun!) in order to become mobile once again. It's going to be great to have that freedom in my hands again. Finally. It's only been like, a month, but you know... once you've had it for three years and someone takes it away, you want it back. Just like anything else. Heh.

Band practice also, tomorrow night. We've got an original already written, but we're just working on fitting in the lyrics. Also working on another original at the same time that Nick wrote, plus this little bit of music Nick and I made up. Strange...

I'm burning "Antichrist Superstar" right now... Boy does this bring back memories. Hanging out with Rich, trying to be as freakish and strange as we could. Now it's just like... "Oh well. Whatever." Growing up is scary, sort of.

Anyway... the Raiders are getting their asses kicked and it's funny. Heh. I guess I'll be going now. Yayee.

I fell into you, now I'm on my back. An insect decaying in your little trap. I squirm into you, now I'm in your gut. I fell into you, now I'm in a rut. Lift you up like the sweetest angel, I tear you down like a whore. I will bury your god in my warm spit. You'll be deformed in your porn. Such a dirty, dirty rockstar...
Comments: ignite me.

Friday, October 17th, 2003

Subject:lack of updates.
Time:10:47 pm.
Mood: cold.
Music:"Rockstar" on HBO Signature.
Well, sorry for the lack of updates... I don't know how many people read this, I'm guessing around two, but I'm sure I wasn't greatly missed. Psh.

Anyway... Car update... Buying the van from my parents. Insurance and DMV shit will all be taken care of on Tuesday. Making me mobile again!

Band update... show at the VFW went awesome. Work has begun on original material. One song almost down, because we rock.

Update update... it's so cold in my room that I can hardly feel my fingers. Grrrr...

That's it for now, I suppose. So fuck off.
Comments: 1 cigarette burn - ignite me.

Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

Subject:scarred hearts and bruised minds...
Time:7:51 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:A Perfect Circle, "The Nurse Who Loved Me".
Tired.... I've got that muddy feeling again in my head... Things have been going so well, too. With the band, work, and the like.

But nope. It still returns... grinds my processes down to a hault... the sound in my head actually reminds me of the sound of the brakes on a train. As it slows down in the station... the loud screeching sound. Ugh.

I really want a new car... so I can get the fuck out of here whenever I want again. So I can go out, and have a life, without depending on everyone else to drive me places.

All I want is to meet someone... and get to the point where we can look deep into eachother's eyes, and know exactly where we are, and what we're doing, but be able to lose ourselves in the moment. To lose ourselves in emotion. That feeling where you can just forget everything else in the world, and be alone together, without a care in the world.

I am seriously no longer content with being alone. I need someone. Someone to hold. Someone to talk to. Someone to love.

But it's never going to come, is it? I'll never find her. There's no point in going on, then, is there? Honestly. I can't do this by myself anymore...

"Say hello, to everything you've left behind. It's even more a part of your life now that you can't touch it. I'm takin' her home with me, all dressed in white. She's got everything I need, some pills in a little cup. She's falling hard for me, I can see it in her eyes. She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys..."
Comments: ignite me.

Thursday, October 2nd, 2003

Subject:too much work.
Time:6:38 pm.
Mood: dirty.
Music:"The Simpsons" on FOX, hoe-zilla.
Nine and a half hours of RadioShack is insanity. Pure, unfiltered, insanity. It causes insanity also. Made a bunch of prank phone calls from work today. It was fun. Got them on micro-cassette. Not disclosing any information about them here for my rising fear of the eyes of the government. Heh. I'm a freak.

Anyway... I must shower. Mmm... shower. Cleanliness. Yes...
Comments: 2 cigarette burns - ignite me.

Tuesday, September 30th, 2003

Subject:the end of a great day, or the beginning of a bad one?
Time:10:06 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Music:Crank Yankers on Comedy Central.
Band practice ruled tonight. The show next Saturday is going to be fun as hell. Yay.

Dinner also kicked ass tonight, and this episode of Crank Yankers is funny as hell. Read Krisey's journal and found out she's not dead, so I guess despite being sick, today kicked complete ass. Now all I need is a good night of sleep...

Knowing me, however, I'll probably go to bed now, and wake up in three hours only to come back online. Heh.

Later.
Comments: ignite me.

Subject:how about a number two pencil, an orange, and a gorilla suit?
Time:3:13 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:A Perfect Circle, "The Outsider".
So. Krisey's Grandfather called me this morning asking me if I knew where she was... I don't. I haven't really talked to her since last Monday. Apparently she hasn't been home in two days, and hasn't called. I guess a couple of days ago she was going to New Paltz from what I read in her journal, but I don't know. I'm sort of worried, but sort of sure she's just at someone's house. I don't know...

As far as being sick goes... My throat is better, but my sinuses are all haywire. Nose is stuffed. Sneezing. Plus, I think from all the coughing, I pulled a muscle in my stomach. Whenever I cough or sneeze it's like OUCHIES. Yeah.

Got my hair cut today. It's cool.

Going to see A Perfect Circle on their tour. Woot. November 26th at the Palace Theatre in Albany, and possibly on the 25th also, in Wellington Connecticut at the Oakdale Theatre. Maynard. Yum.

Anyway... I have to go take a shower... band practice tonight. Yay.

"I don't want to watch you disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time."
Comments: ignite me.

Subject:i'm sick.
Time:12:03 am.
Mood: sick.
Music:The Packers beating the shit out of the Bears on ABC.
God damn this stupid RadioShack plague. It all started with Bobby... who gave it to Rob... who gave it to Kevin... who gave it to me. Oh well. My throat hurts, my head hurts, and I'm weak. Urg.

In other news... I got a new cellphone. LG-VX6000, it rules. Built in camera, Get it Now capable... meaning I can download shit. Oh yeah, I'm bling bling now. Heh.

Grrr... in other, other news... I'm getting a pretty good settlement from All State for my car. $2,385. I'm seeing if I can milk any more out of them, but probably not. Even so, that's a lot more than I expected. New car should be following soon.

My parents offered me the van, which would be cool, because I could buy it for cheap, then go to school. But now my Mom seems to be shying away from that. Grr...

Yes. I have to go die now, bye bye.
Comments: 2 cigarette burns - ignite me.

Sunday, September 21st, 2003

Subject:fusion process... uhh, process. heh.
Time:9:37 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Music:"The Wedding Singer" on TBS.
So, today... my new guitar got broken in. Oh yes, it was a great moment. Rockin' out and PANG, I broke my first string with that guitar. Yayee! Sexy kinda. Damn you Krisey for saying that, now I can't stop!

Anyway... going to Alto tomorrow to buy lots of strings. Heh. But right now, I must wait for Nick to come over so we can play some chess. Yay.

Later.
Comments: ignite me.

Saturday, September 20th, 2003

Subject:er, uhh, yeah. sexy kinda. lol.
Time:11:27 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:A Perfect Circle, "Gravity".
So. "Thirteenth Step" came out on Tuesday. Excellent. Purchase it, now.

It's very, very mellow, but that's the way I like it. The whole feel of the album is encompassing, and enveloping. I can't listen to one or two songs and turn it off. I have to start with track one, and go to the end. I even sometimes repeat a track four or five times. I really like this album.

What I'm doing right now, is going from this album back to the first one. Heh. It's a Maynard party. Hee hee.

In other news... I got into a car accident on Thursday night. The asshat in front of me on my way home from work decided for one reason or another to slam on his brakes. So, rather than swerve into a brick wall, or oncoming traffic, I did the same. The bitch behind me, didn't. Slam. Rear ended at forty miles an hour.

The good thing is... her insurance pays for all of this shit. I don't know if I want to trash the car and get a check to buy a new one, or just get mine fixed. I'd like to get a new car, and go to school. But I'm not sure. One thing I am sure of, however, is that I want a fucking rent-a-car from those fucks at All State. Heh. So I can be mobile once again.

In other, other news. Krisey is back for a while. The fact that I am without wheels, sucks. But I'm sure I'll get my P.O.S. rent-a-car soon, so we can chill. Let's go to Fresno's for karaoke. Wooo. South Ca-h-o-liiiiiiiiiina.

Anyway... Nick wants me to go to Dan's. I think I might. Even though I'm not up for it. Er...
Comments: ignite me.

Monday, September 8th, 2003

Subject:show me the way to the next whiskey bar.
Time:1:30 am.
Mood: groggy.
Music:watching "The Critic" on Comedy Central.
Just woke up from a nap. All groggy, and shiznit.

Band practice ruled on Friday. Making real progress.

Haha. I went to McGuire's last night in Pleasant Valley. They had karaoke. It was rockin'.

Class dismissed, that is all.
Comments: ignite me.

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003

Subject:aliens and mountain dew. in love forever.
Time:11:48 pm.
Mood: amused.
Music:the excellent sound of sub-machine guns ripping apart aliens.
I'm watching Aliens. Why the fuck can't I have one of these big fucking sub-machine guns that all the space marines are toting around? What if a big fucking alien came into my house? Then what the fuck would I do without one of those guns? Huh? I WANT ONE NOW.

Maybe I'll ask Santa.

I hate when I send someone to a webpage, and then they ask me each and every link to click to get to where they want. It annoys me beyond belief. Just read the page and figure it out, GRR!

Heh. Anyway, back to drinking my dew and watching Aliens.

Game over, man. Game over.
Comments: ignite me.

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003

Subject:no bebop, make mike go crazy!
Time:1:48 am.
Mood: chipper.
Music:Coldplay, "Politik".
Grr... the thunderstorm has knocked out the satellite... which has in turn knocked out Cowboy Bebop. I am pissed. Heh. Coldplay is making this test much easier to get through.

I mean, I love thunderstorms, but not when they inconvenience me. It's pretty though. The lightning lights up my entire room. Yummy. But the stupid satellite... grrrr.... Hehe.

At least I got to watch Trigun. Great episode, too. Anyway, back to Yahoo chat.
Comments: ignite me.

Blurty for [low_resolution_hero].

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