Angel From Your Nightmare's Journal

Saturday, April 23, 2005

8:11AM - My crazy ex roomate

God, so this chick stalks out my apartment (where she used to reside in) and she blows up my phone..I feel like i dumped her and she isn't getting the hint. She think stays outside my apartment while I was inside taking a shower and she was all banging on my door and blowing up my phone until I answered it because she wasn't leaving., She got her shit and then was trying to tell that I have to pay the phone bill which is 229.00 and she says that I should pay it. WHy? She should pay at least half of it too ya know. SHe lived there and used the phone. What the fuck? Her and her no good boyfriend whom they both share CHLAYMDIA with, would always smoke my weed...and treat my friends like shit. What the fuck? I hate that bitch. I HATE THAT BITCH I HATE THAT BITCH!!!!!! One day she'll get what she deserves. Trying to tell me she was the only one that cared about me. what the fuck ever. She's going BALD!!! and bryan..he's a piece of shit and all she does is cry about him when all he does is stick his dick in other girls..i'm sooo pissed

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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

11:28AM - Mr. Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And Ive been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now Im falling asleep
And shes calling a cab
While hes having a smoke
And shes taking a drag
Now theyre going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And its all in my head
But shes touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just cant look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But its just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause Im Mr Brightside

Im coming out of my cage




And Ive been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now Im falling asleep
And shes calling a cab
While hes having a smoke
And shes taking a drag
Now theyre going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And its all in my head
But shes touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just cant look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But its just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause Im Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...

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Friday, March 11, 2005

8:32PM - Heaven Tonight

I hold your hand in mine
I hold your hand and you're so lonely
Oh so lonely
Your eyes have lost their light
Your eyes have lost their light and you're empty
Oh my god you're so empty

(i'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(i'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight

Trying to find the heart you hide
Trying to find the heart you hide in vain
Oh in vain
And you're my haven in life
And you're my haven in death, baby


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Life and death my darling

(i'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(i'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(i'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(i'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(i'm in love with you)

Reapeat

That's right
(i'm in love with you)
That's right
(i'm in love with you)
That's right
(i'm in love with you)
That's right
(i'm in love with you)

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Tuesday, March 8, 2005

7:22PM - Save the Drama for your mama

I will get through all this shit!! I swear! Ahhh...so just when I think I'm about to lose my mind, he always manages to pull me out of it and I dont think he knows it. He stayed the night last night and it was without me asking or predetermined. He just overheard me asking a friend if she could stay the night and he said he could and it was awesome. just to have him there and chilling with me...except his ex emailed him again. Argh. Is all i can say...but there's nothing much I can do. I do feel bad cuz it feels like people might make fun of him for dating me and i get scared..cuz I think i'm way beyond attached...Nah I think i'm just really attached. Attached to the point that if we dont talk ill probably be hurt. ANd cry..and feel alone..but I try not to think of bad things.
I'll write more when I have more time.
toodles

Current mood: determined
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11:12AM - When one thing goes wrong...why does everything else have to also?

Jeez, I dont know how much more stress I can take. First off, my ex roomate is still hating people and I think her cousin (who used to be my friend) isnt' talking to me now because I tried calling her and she didnt pick up nor call me back. That makes me stressed cuz it already feels like I dont have any friends. Although I know it isn't true but I guess it's hard to see whats around when you can only see bad. Then my mom wanted to claim my ex on my taxes (which I thought was a horrendous idea) and what did she go and do? Claim him on my taxes so being the honest person I try to be, I informed him that he was being claimed so HIS MOTHER called me up telling me i can't claim him and how he didn't live wiht me that long (which he lived with me for over a year and a half and didn't work all during it) and that it'd be my ass in trouble and then she had the audacity to blame me for hacking into his email!!! WHAT THE FUCK??? first off idont give two shits what his child molesting ass does on the internet., I have way better people in my life and secondly if I did how did she manage to read the two lined email i sent him if he got his email hacked? What the hell? I hate people..i really do.but what the fuck ever. What ever what ever what ever.
Then I'm stressed cuz I have low self esteem and it's starting to get old with me. I'm tired of worrying about this or that...
why can't i just be happy with myself?

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Wednesday, March 2, 2005

6:40PM - Hello INSECURITIES

Well anyone who knows me knows i'm a very insecure person. I'm soo insecure no one on this site knows who I really am..because I dont want people to know that I really do feel this way. I put on an image..a lot of people think i'm a very optimistic person..which in a sense I am...but when it comes to me myself and I...I 'm a very pesamistic person..That's probably why I'm Gemini. I do have two sides. A happy me...and then there's the low no worthy of anyhing no one will ever see it me. Well a few people have seen it at one time...but only once. Never do I show them me twice because they just wouldn't understand. I'm FAT...and no I'm not some skinny girl who thinks she's big..I'm big. I have to come to realize that and stop thinking that i'm actually beautiful because I'm not. I keep thinking maybe i have true deep below the surface beauty but when I go looking for it...I find this quivering, pathetic person who's trying to hide away from the world. What is that? I met this really great guy..who's my best friend. All during our friendship I never took it to seriously because I was so wrapped up with my ex...and then when I leaned to my friend for support i began to become a little dependent on him..emotionally. Which wasn't a bad thing because he never took advantage of it nor did he ever make me feel like less of a person. He to this day still hasn't and yet I fear it. I fear the time where I will see him for who he really is even though I think I see him now. Anyways, I began to like him a lot..and stupid ole me told him and told him during a time where his ex came back into his life..but oddly enough he began to like me back. and we've had this relationship..which isn't bad. but a little confusing at times. And now all of a sudden i feel so unsure of myself and so insecure and i've been thinking that maybe he can do better. Maybe he's going downhill with me..his best friend whom I met and thought was really cool and thought he was actually my friend made a comment to him about liking "big" girls because of me. I was referred to as a big girl...and as much as I knew it was true I guess i didnt' want it to be. But that made me realize that he doesn't date big girls...i've seen the girls he has dated and they aren't big..so maybe he made a mistake with me. Maybe it was a fluke accident..and soon he'll realize it was a mistake and tell me that he's going back to his ex. Because he realizes his friend was right...
I CRIED FOR LIKE AN HOUR!! cuz it hurt me so bad. but did he see it? No of course not and I realize that I'm a liar. I put on a smile the whole time he was around me but when i took him home all I did was cry. Cry for realizing that it's all true. That everything I was so happy about was and is a lie. I just realize the lie before he did. And when he realizes it I can feel better...but in the meantime my stomach is in knots when he's around me. I care about him so deeply and sometimes when he's sitting there next to me i just want to hug him but i hold myself back. And he'll never know..unless he reads this but like I said..I'm a good actress. I can put on a scene and hide behind my smile. It works. I once thought people could see through it but they can't. They dont see the tears forming in my eyes...they see the grin i put on. HA HA I get the last laugh. I fooled all of you. I am beginning to realize my abilities. If no one can see the hurt me..they won't have to deal with the stress of the pain i go through. I want to shield them from it. it's too much for them to understand...for anyone to understand.

Current mood: crushed
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Monday, February 21, 2005

5:32PM - I think I'm going to scream!!!!!

February 2005 has got to be one of the worse months that I have ever had. First my roomate starts to hate the guy that I'm falling for. Which is odd because they were such good friends and finally FINALLY when things are starting to work out between the two of us she starts to hate him. SO basically she doesn't want him at the apt yet I want him there. Her ex, who's like her f- buddy I guess..., is always over mouching off of her and me, and staying at the apartment for days on end yet I still allow him over, and tolerate him. SO basically she tells me I have to choose, which doesnt sit to well for me, but then she tells me she's moving out saying she's having "financial problems". So now I have to find another job so I can keep the apartment that her and I got together. But then I think it's alright because living with her is such drama. And I dont have to pay for her ex either. Then I get sick and miss work. Which is alright cuz I'm getting paid for it, but my car starts having more and more problems. Then my friend and his friend fix it so hopefully it'll stay fixed. Then my dog died. OUCH! MY little doggie whom I loved more than anythign in the world, whom I didn't even get to see as much cuz i moved out...died on me! DIED! That's like a slap in the freaking face. Poor baby is out in the cold ground all by himself. His little fat body. I feel sick just thinking about it. I'm soo tired of so much shit. I just want to go off on somebody. but who?

Current mood: aggravated
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Thursday, February 3, 2005

5:53PM - He's awesome

Omigodness I know no one wants to hear about this but i'm soo excited. I finally told him and all and things have gotten really good between the two of us. We talk all the time and I know he really cares for me and I really REALLY care for him. HE makes my heart smile. Like I've never met anyone like him before and I dont know if I'll ever meet anyone like him again,but I'm going to enjoy his company while I can. I really dont know what I'd do without him. I just love being with him while he's hugging me and all I want to do is touch him....and not just sexually. Like just being near him. Ahhh what am I going to do? I think i'm going crazy. Is it to early to say love? This feels like something from a movie. I'm not even scared it's going to go away, and I'm not uncomfortable when he comments about other girls looks. Like it's so different. I trust him...and it's awesome cuz this is the kind of relationship i've been wanting for so long. How did this happen? I think the stars above...destiny.

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Friday, January 28, 2005

7:03PM - IT FINALLY HAPPENED

Well I know I haven't really written to you lately but that's because I haven't gotten to a keyboard. Well it finally happened. I finally told him how I felt but only because his ex came back into his life and started messing with his head. And she was succeeding for a minute..I dont really know how it all played out but we ended up hooking up last night and it was AWESOME! I guess maybe because I kept imagining it before but I still think about it now. It was just awesome. Just all that anticipation and it finally happend. Of course I had to kiss him but he kept making small subtle moves. We are so much alike because neither one of us would have done it although we both thought about it. I can't wait to do it again with him. He's my best friend. He knows me..I know him. I like that feeling. I just hope he feels the same. I know at least he has feelings for me but hopefully he can start moving on from his ex...and who knows we might end up together. At least I finally got to go somewhere with him. He is simply an amazing person. And I know he's got issues with things he's done and all but he's got a good heart. And I know we'll still be friends even though we may not work out. Even if it was just a one time thing,...although I'm really hoping it's not!!!

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Friday, January 7, 2005

5:38PM - Why can't he see me?

Argh, I feel like the dumbest girl..I can't say that enough. Why do I pine over someone who doesn't even like me. I am currently intrested in my best friend..Why am I into him....Well because he's awesome. He's a great person even though in his past he might have been not so great but now he's a good person..And he has a good heart and it shows. You can tell he's at peace in a way, you can tell in his eyes. He listens to me and cares about what I say, and actually cares about people in general. I feel like I have a connection with him and that sometimes I dont even have to say anything for him to know that I'm upset or happy. So of course I would develop feelings for him. There's only a slight problem. He's head over heels for his exgirlfriend. The first time we met he talked about her and since then our connection was the pain that we had for our exes. I seeminly have moved on and for a while there I thought he did too...until she came back into his life. Granted, I have no clue who she is or what she is about but all I know is the stuff he told me she put him through and I dont like her. I dont think she is good for him in no way shape or form, he's even going to court because of her on tuesday but he believes because she had said it that it isn't her fault. She tried to get them to drop the charges. I hate it. I hate it beause that means no more me and him...no more connection I have with him and I guess that means for sure i dont stand a chance. He had told my roomate that he did like me and he even told his ex he had slept with only one other girl but didn't do anything because he didn't want to change something good into evil...but if he goes back to her it's a slap in the face to me...but it's not just my feelings. It's him I worry about too. What if he goes back to how he use to be? THat's not where he was happy..he deserves a way better life than what he would have with her. He'd not be the person that I know and care so deeply about. I just want to scream at him that I like him that I could treat him better but I can't. Because it doesn't matter. He is my best friend he should know how I feel towards him. I just wish she never came back into his life. I wish he could see what she is really made of and wake up. But although I dont support them together....I support him in being happy and if that makes him happy why should I get my feelings involved?

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Saturday, December 25, 2004

2:10PM - I feel like the dumbest girl ever....

Alright so I've been talking about my best friend and all. I do have feelings for him in a sense but then in another sense it's like I dont like him...so i'm a bit confused on my feelings but whatever ya know. We exchanged christmas gifts and I bought him a watch (cuz i get ffity percent off) and dvd of reno 911 and then a four dollar blanket and two five dollar dvds...and he got me a sticker of a band we like. I feel like i went all out on gifts for him and now it's like i feel kinda dumb. Everyone told me i'm overreacting and all but I just wanted to get him something nice and ended up getting him a few things and although I didnt' spend a lot of money on his gifts i dont want to tell him how much i spent ya know..that's kinda rude. but I feel kinda like i overdid it and now i'm kinda wigging out and thinking and plotting of ways that I am gonna stop hanging out with him. But then it's like i dont want to hurt him and blow him off because I had money and he didnt cuz he doesn't work and can't afford a lot but i dont know...
i'm just kinda hoping that someone could give me some input on this please.

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Sunday, December 19, 2004

12:56PM - My feelings grow more and more

My roomate and i joke about the way we are. Our feelings for guys in our lives flucuate day to day and at certain times. I'm falling more and more for my friend and I dont know what to do about it. I dont want to do anything bout it but then again I dont want to be stuck in this plateau of feelings that never change. A few months ago my friend and I messed around and during it he was saying all this stuff about how he liked me and everything. I figured it was just the alcohol talking but then the next day my roomate asked him about it and he was going on and on about how he did like me but he's going thru so much right now and that he didnt want to hurt me. Well we've maintained a really close friendship since then and we talk daily but in the beginning he talked to me about it or at least tried but i always changed the subject because of fear and now i regret that. But my roomie has talked to him numerous times and he's story is always that he likes me and he really cares for me but he doesnt' want to hurt me ever and that he wants to be in my life for a long time. And that when he gets into a relationship he gets really crappy and treats his girls like crap and he doesn't ever want to do that to me. So i'm like well then is this a nice way of letting me down but if it is..why on earth does he call me EVERYDAY (which i'm not complaining about) and we get together everyday even if it's for an hour. He smokes with me and i smoke with him and like sometimes i wish we could just be friends with benefits but when my roomate asked him about that he said there'd be too many feelings involved. DOes that mean on my part? I'm soo confused in a sense about him. He is my best friend and vice versa. He doesn't hang out with really anyone else but me and two other people. and i'm the only girl but it's weird because in high school he was surrounded by people and always had girls and shit and now he'll talk about girls but he's antisocial. He admits to it. But why? Like everyday it seems like i like him more and more because he's got a lot of qualities that I want in a guy. He makes me laugh...all the freakin time....he calls me when he says he will....we hang out and it can be quiet and there's no awkard silence but see that';s where it's tough because I dont erally want to talk to him about it because I refuse to..but then it comse to all with the games..the hints, the hidden meanings all of that crap!!! AHHH....anyways...i'm sorry to bore you wiht this but i just had to get it off my chest.

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Thursday, December 9, 2004

10:45AM - One of those days...

It's been a while since I've gotten to smoke my problems away and although I say I'm a pothead I dont think I am. I dont feen for the shit. I can live day by day without being high but at times like today it'd be nice to have. It had been one of those days...a tiresome day. A day where I just kinda moped around and didn't do much. I dont know if you know but I live on my own again with my roomate and best friend. She's going through guy problems but then again who doesnt?
Alright i'm in a really down mood right now. Why am i? Cuz i'm stupid and dumb. Cuz i let stupid people affect the way I feel. So many people hold my moods in their hands. All they have to do is put something into my head and make me think about things. I hate it. Just when I thought I was ok to move on I hear a comment that my ex said and it feels like a stab in the heart. He said he found himself a real woman? A real woman? what am i? Chopped liver? I was a real woman. I was a good woman and I'm not even looked at as a real woman. I hate him. I think alright i dont care what happens and then he says something stupid like that and it hurts. and I feel like i want to cry. But I can't cry. I have to be strong. I've worked too hard to be where i'm at. but i'll always be lonely. ill always be unloved because i'm not a real woman.
No one will look at me as someone they want to be with..theyll always look at me as not a real woman.
i'm just dumb....stupid pathetic me...

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Wednesday, December 1, 2004

9:13AM - something i read on a website

sex,drugs,rock~n~roll.
speed,weed,birth control
fuck the panties,wear a thong,and party all night long
drink tequilla,take a shot,fuck a guy you think is hott
lifes a bitch,then you die,fuck the world
LETS ALL GET HIGH!!!

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

9:21AM - Depression is as changing as the weather

I dont know if I'm really depressed or if i just dont want to deal with life.. I was on two anti depressants at one time. Effexor and wellbuturin. The funny thing is a medical doctor prescribed me the medication instead of a shrink. I just told her what I knew she needed to hear...as in can't sleep at night, crying all the time, have problem with anger...(.one thing i can compliment myself on is that i know how to fake being sick or upset..I guess in a way im' a liar). I haven't been depressed since he left. but right now i feel down. and I ask myself why am i down? I live on my own, i have a good father, good friends, i'm healthy...yet i'm sad. why? could it be because of the weather or because i'm lonely or just because I want to be depressed. Why do i want to be in such a horrid mood? I'm not a bad person at all and so many people view me as being a happy person...so why do i feel so guilty when i feel sad? I dont act sad when i feel down because i feel like i can't be myself to people. i have to wear a mask so no one can see the real me.

Current mood: gloomy
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Wednesday, November 24, 2004

10:49PM - So do i or dont i?

I once was in love...or at least thought I was in love. I felt like I wanted to make that person a better person and to always be there for him and try to be supportive..I always thought my happiness had to be put second because i loved him and his should be first..What a 50's tv theme right? I guess in my own head I made up a fantasy world of love...How life is suppose to be when love in involved. But the person of whom I speak of..didn't do what he was expected to do. He belittled me, never supported me,..never even listened to me. Sometimes I think I was a stranger to him..actually sometimes I think he was a stranger to me. so what pulled us together? I have no clue but now I have a different someone in my life..but he isn't whom you think he is..He isn't my boyfriend...but in a sense my best friend. He's taught me so much in the past few months that I've been single and he's been my supportive rock through the whole thing. He's listened to me cry and whine and still loves me dearly. He is the best guy friend a girl can ask for. I hope fifty years down the road we are still laughing about the crazy music he listens to. I guess because of him..I still have hope in other guys..

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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

11:41AM - I want to hide from you so you can never find me..

At one time in my life I used to want love to come to me. I used to pray that I had a boyfriend..because when I got a boyfriend everything would be ok. I'd fit in in high school...I wouldn't feel so alone...so desperate for attention because I'd have someone giving me attention. I'm 21 years old and have been through two relationships and I feel like I already want to give up. I know everyone goes thru heartache and hell after being with someone but I dont think I want that anymore. I dont the complexities of a relationship. I dont want the mind games, the arguing, the jealousy...I dont want the pain that love brings to a person. and everyone knows it's true. No one can hurt you more then someone you love..Why you ask..because we let ourselves be vulnerable to them..We let them in our hearts and they come with a knife and slice chunks out....waiting for you to scream in the pain that you feel that you can't heal or touch.
I've seen it to many times and i've been thru it a numerous times with my ex.
I see my friends still obsessed with their exes...(male and female) and how they wish this or that...or try to reconcile...Maybe i'm jealous because my ex doesn't feel that way or that he doesn't try to talk to me..but then i sit down and I think..alright T...how did he fuck you over? how did he cause you pain and make you feel like you were nothing? When I think of all the shit he put me thru I remember why I never want to talk to him again and could care less that he's whereever doing whatever..
Then I feel like I was used because he DOESNT care and will NEVER CARE....To him i was dollar signs...I was only some silly girl that was paying for everything he wanted...he used me as much as he can until I caught on...
So many times I remember feeling so insecure about other girls..when I should never have to...I had never felt insecure with Mike...yet Don was something else.. He shattered my heart into pieces numerous times. He made me feel so inferior to every girl that walked by us..and why? because he was a guy and couldn't help but stare...are you supposed to stare when your with a girlfriend? Aren't u supposed to show her respect especially since she's done everything for you?

Current mood: cynical
Current music: Finger Eleven - One Thing
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Monday, November 22, 2004

5:26PM - Feelings....

What is going on in my life right now? I feel so lost..so empty and yet so plain...I am not depressed yet I'm not happy and sometimes I wonder if I like this feeling..I dont really have anything to complain about and yet I'm looking deep to find something to bitch about...why? Do I like to bitch? Everyone in my life sees me as this happy go lucky girl...as the motherhen yet is that what I want to be viewed as? I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and jumping off a cliff just to do something that is out of the ordinary of the girl you think you know. Do you know me? Do you see thru me? No you dont...you dont dig deep...i hid it from you..buried deep in my soul..no one will find me..I'm two people...one that is for you to see and one that is tooo emotional for you to bear...do you think that i'm ok in the head? that the pain i've endured hasn't driving me mentally insane? The heartache...the insecurities..the tears...all of it..is me..yet i dont mourn for who you think i do. He lost me a long time ago...it's me i mourn for..my happiness..my childhood..my heart..things i've done in my life...things i should have done..i'll never heal..i never will stop the silent tears. My life is nothing...i have nothing...just memories of the once happy me..the one who thought everyone was good inside...but i've seen evil..i've seen the unpure actions of people who were supposed to be good..how can i believe? how can i love..when i hate so much? How can i be loved with i dont love myself? I dont want to be optimistic..I want to be taken care of..i want the child in me to find a mother to love her...

Current mood: confused
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4:56PM - New beginnings....

Alright so it's a crazy way of how I came about blurty.com. Do you ever get bored and put your name into google.com and try to see where you've been. Well I do..simply because my name is unique. A lot of girls have my name but not very many have the type of spelling..So I type it in and I see a journal entry that said something about how her friend will not like her theory on love...I realized it was someone I knew...and I realized that person she was talking about was me...So i have always loved online journals but never had time to keep up because never had a stable computer connection..but now..it's a whole new situation..and hopefully i'll be able to type to you and tell you what I feel and think..as long as no one knows who I am because then Ill never be embarrassed or hurt by expressing my feelings because no one has to know who I am...

Current mood: okay
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