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[10 Jun 2011|10:49am] |
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i don't think i'll ever know if josh nd i are meant to be together. i don't think i'll ever know if he still loves me like he once told me he did before. i can't promise that he'll always be there. josh is hard. he's confusing nd he'll tell you that himself. josh doesn't believe in marriage, he barely believes in a committed relationship. i can't ever say that josh will never cheat on me.. i can't even say that he hasn't already.. all i know is that i'm stuck. no matter how hard i try, i can't get away from him. i won't let him just leave me nd he won't let me just leave him. like i said.. it's confusing. i know that i love josh. whether or not i'm IN love w. him he'll always have some part of my heart. he's my best friend. i talk to him more than i talk to destinee. he's who i want to hang out w. when no one is there. he makes me happy. so while the future is still very unclear: i want josh. i ♥ josh. & while clearly my mind changes nd my eyes do stray.. i want him nd i'm starting to realize that we both push nd pull just enough to stay together. i know that sometimes he doesn't like who we are, but it's who we are, it's what we do nd how we act. i'm still happy. as much as i fight now i'm still happy w. josh.
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[07 Jun 2011|09:56pm] |
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new skin ♥
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[11 Oct 2010|10:00pm] |
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im happy. i dont know what happened to me.. my entire personality is a big bright ball of cheerful. ive changed so much nd all i want is for that change to stay w. me for as long as possible. ill joke around nd say its because of 2012 :P hahaha but think about it.. if the world ends in 2012 that means that ill just always be an unhappy miserable person who takes no risks nd isnt friendly nd is just a blaaaah person. ew i hated being shy im soo happy i broke out of that. i didnt know people could do that. im not faking it either, i truly feel like a completely different person. its weird but like i said: im happy :) happier than iver ever been.
HAPPY;HAPPY♥HAPPY!
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[29 Sep 2010|12:03pm] |
L.O.V.E.
loss of virtually everything..
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[23 Sep 2010|11:40am] |
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i dont want to jynx myself nd say that im in love.. but im on that road. the saddest thing is that yr suppose to be happy yr in love.. im just dreading it. i know where love leads nd im trying soo hard to stop this feeling. im a hopeless romantic nd it brings me down. for me love is the root of all evil. hes everything ive ever wanted in a person all wrapped in one.. i feel like everything ive done before him just got me ready. its crazy.. hes just a regular person.. but to me hes a living breathing God. why?
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[18 Sep 2010|11:23pm] |
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my life is a big ball of uncertainty.
for me its like if something seems way too good to be true.. it probably is.
josh is perfect.. too perfect. he bought me beautiful flowers yesterday for basically no reason besides me PMSing. he has perfect PDA tendancies. he's beautiful nd perfect all in himself. we're perfect. i don't need people to tell me we're cute.. i tell them. but it's just that like i said.. is it all too good? sometimes i wonder if i have so much bad karma backup that it's never going to be my turn to be happy. like i finally found someone i can give my 100% honesty to nd i found someone i can be completely myself nd as a cruel joke for all the fucked up things i've done.. he's just gonna change his mind. i feel like i'm waiting for the bad.. nd that's not good either.
what if my guts wrong..
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[12 Sep 2010|03:51pm] |
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life is full of drama. no matter where i go no matter what i do or whom im w. drama goess. nd come to think of it.. it might just be all those things that make my drama. but like ive been saying: i go w. my gut nowadays. so if my gut tells me to stick w. something im gonna stick it.
lately ive had this new rush of clearness run through me. like the smart bitch inside of me said "OK enough is enough girl.. lets go make YOU happy now" nd i am. im happy. i can do whatever i want, chill w. whoever i want nd then at the end of the day i still have somebody whose gonna kiss my forehead nd be just as happy w. me as i am w. him.
i think back now nd i realize that i wasnt a perfect person. i did things for other people nd never thught about myself. nd sometimes all i did was think about myself. i think sometimes that i wasted a perfectly good life to be.. nothing.. to be nothing but someone else prize. something like that anyway..
im my own prize now :)
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[08 Sep 2010|06:18pm] |
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amazzing twist in the story of my life :)
im always happy lately. i have a beautiful crystal bird chirping in my ear ♥ i went today nd found myself a good reliable car for cheap nd then went nd made myself a professional resume. my life is slowly but SURLEY starting to look up. im deff. getting my GED soon, thanks to my bestiee/sister :)
no regrets;
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[20 Jul 2010|02:39am] |
im sitting here.. my whole world completly turned upside down.
i feel everything just as i shouldn't.
nd everything i should love just doesn't matter enough anymore.
my money flow gone..
&& as i look around now i realized that i ruined it all..
i wasn't happy before.. but where did i get myself now?
BE VERY CAREFULL FOR WHAT YOU WISH FOR..
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[17 Jul 2010|08:50am] |
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so i did it. it actually happened. i had it in me to full out cheat on my boyfriend. i dont mean to say this like its a good thing cuz its truly not.. its just a whole new thing for me. like i cant even process it.. especially because now justin knows everything. its why i dont cheat.. im not good at that kinda stuff.
i hate myself a little now. its just not how i do things nd im pretty upset w. myself. i mean ill get over it, its just uggggh. im a whore to two people now. cuz thats not sexy, i cheated on my boyfriend to fuck timmy nd he knows that so what does he want w. me? nd i hurt justin while hes already the saddest kid ever. what kind of person does that?
a whore
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[14 Jul 2010|03:52pm] |
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i still dream because one day ill be right where i want to be.
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[13 Jul 2010|10:24am] |
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fortunately.. nd unfortunately ;) i don't think i have it in me to cheat on my boyfriend. i don't believe in God or anything but yesterday something told me NOT to go. like all of a sudden i saw a whole new light around justin,, maybe not that much obv. it's still my boyfriend.. but it's unexplainable.
even if i'm not happy w. where we are in the relationship.. maybe i should think about other things before i start losing control of my eyes..
*sigh* ohh thats the 4th suitable match. POOF!
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[08 Jul 2010|07:30pm] |
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bright eyes ! train under water |
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justin told me last night that lately he just feels sad nd miserable. says he's depressed nd if he can't do anything about it soon he thinks he might resort to suicide. the way he actually said it came out more dramatic nd not so blunt.. but ever since he told me that i've just been stuck. what am i suppose to do w. information like that? what if i came home one day nd just found him there, dead..?? it would ruin my entire life to see the love of my life DEAD.. especially due to his immense sadness.. it just hurts that i can't seem to help him. i've sensed a sadness off him since we first met nd it's only gotten worse since kenny nd his grandmother died. i want to help so bad. i want to make him happy.. it'll help me out in the end because right now he'll be grumpy nd take it out on me. so then i'll get pissed off which just adds to his anger.. it's a horrible cycle.
♥; < life
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[06 Jul 2010|09:15pm] |
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ive been very torn lately. i want to be happy at all times.. i want to fall in love w. the man of my dreams nd live happily ever after. i've already met the man of my dreams nd now im on my way to living happily ever after when cold feet rush in. im not getting married or even thinking about engagement, (although i want my ring to be amazing!) but i cant help but always think: "what am i missing out on?" not exactly guys, sex nd hooking up.. but what about those nights to the club w. my girls or spending the weekend at the beach or anything that i would presently be scolded for doing. its crazy because i think back to when my mother would have me grounded for monthsss.. nd id always say that one day no one will ever tell me what to do.. because they just couldnt, who were they?? nd here i am feeling like im back at square one. honestly, i would love to go out on the weekends to some party.. or just stay out till whenever i want. id love to go to a themed throwed party w. my friends! but i have a boyfriend.. we have an apartment.. those arent the things i should be doing. i know id freak out if he ever did that to me. so here i am.. this is just a phase if all goes well. i love justin, i just have this odd itch. let fate be..
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[02 Jul 2010|08:46pm] |
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so i finally passed my drivers test nd EARNED my license! im really excited nd i cant wait to go out nd find a car. my life is going to do a complete turn-around when i eventually get one. ill be able to get jobs a lil father away which is sometimes a better option. ill be able to do more responsible things as i please while saving money on cabs. uck! i never want to ride in a cab ever again! ill buy grocceries on a regular basis nd keep justin healthy nd happy :) nd then ill be able to get my GED (cuz no one is my life is any help w. that) nd then who knows.. we'll see who ill be a year from now.
ive been feeling really crummy in the past month. today ive been at my happiest. i hate it because i feel like im that mopey sad little girl again nd i dont like to be her. thats not the real me, nd thats what justin sees so thats what he takes me for, nd its frustrating. ive just been feeling like im in a rut nd i cant seem to get out of it. my head is telling me that life is over, dreams are gone, nd theres nothing to look forward to but stress nd old age. my mind stelling me that im no better than my mother nd ill end up no more happier than her. nd i know that her happiness is mostly Rx caused so where will that lead me? i have this fear of becoming those white trash mothers i see all he time at friendlys. call me material, but i need to be that cute perfect mother/BM (justin will never marry me.. ill always be Baby Mama) i just dont want to have kids unless im giving them perfection.. thats a good motivation though :)
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[07 Sep 2009|04:44pm] |
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wrote on:
AUG, 31 2008
im not a perfect girl. i cry way more than a normal person should, i usually look like shit when i wake up nd i expect way too much out of people. im not really that popular i still dont have a license nd my family is nuts. saying good things about myself is never easy but i know that i deserve a lot more than what i have now.
im way too nice to be walked all over nd treated like dirt. im too little to be hit by you or thrown around. im much too sensitive for yr cold, empty heart.. nd honestly, i look way too good to be w. a little boy.
for me letting anyone go in my life is ahard decision. theres not enough in it to just kick someone out. one of my therapists told me that even though you dont necessarily want to lose someone, you have to think about what you need first.
my friend once asked me: "would you rathher be alone nd happy or in love nd completely miserable?" i told him happy. when he asked me if i was happy.. i said no, absolutely not. he said the rest was up to me..
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| back like COOKD CRACK! |
[29 May 2009|09:48am] |
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i almost forgot i had a blurty..
but here i am again. back in another shitty relationship. he's no greg.. ill give him that, but in a way hes worse. he loves himself way more than he could ever love me. the other day he broke up w. me over a text. i called him a pussy so he took it back. then i got to his house nd he broke up w. me again. then he seen me cry (i looked like a sad lost puppy) nd he said that he couldn't just let me go. that he could never see me w. another guy. its weird. i know that its different between the two of us. ever since kenny died.. hes had the coldest heart. he has his moments, but other than that he doesnt want to make anyone happy unless its himself. im pretty sure that those feelings wont come back but im me, so i just cant let go till its too late to save anything.
its weird. i hung out w. this guy last night nd ive always had the biggest crush on him nd hes the cutest sweetest guy.. but i dont want him. hes nice nd hes probably perfect for me, but i might never know because hes not justin. hes not going to cuddle w. me like justin does, hes not gonna kiss me like justin does. hes not gonna say my name the way justin does, nd hes just not gonna make me feel the way justin does. its hard cuz i know that hes not the same person that he use to be. maybe im not the person i use to be either.. but i just want us back. i want to stay happy when im w. him nd i want us to stop arguing about gay fucking shit (ie.. he screams at me for ACCIDENTLY always slamming his car door..its a door. stfu!) i want my love back.. thats all i have to say right now. i want the old justin back, because he was happy nd he showed me love nd he was sweet to me nd if i ever met the justin i know now..back then.. i would have never fallen in love w. him.
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[18 Jul 2008|06:40pm] |
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rhianna` TAKE A BOW |
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so here i am at the computer, listning to greg run around the house going through everyone's stuff, trying to look for something valuable. money mostly. he's been doing this at least once a week (since i've been here), nd this is probably a regular thing for him. it's kinda funny because he's really searching. now i know he didn't get into that safe on accident, he's been meaning to do that for years.
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[17 Jul 2008|12:28pm] |
♥ ♥ ♥
&& i wish that i could tell you right now
that i love you
but it looks like i won't be around
so you won't know
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[10 Jul 2008|09:44pm] |
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"if i had a world of my own.. everything would be nonsense. nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it wasn't. && contrary wise, what is.. it wouldn't be ♥ && what it wouldn't be.. it would.. see?
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