C0RB3T R@TCL!FF's Journal

10:50PM - productivity at an all time low

so today...... on a scale of one to ten...... ten being the highest......... my level of productivity was through the floor.... somewhere in the double negative digits.

i just spoke with Holley, the aussie-american. it was awesome. we are hanging out friday after she gets out of school.... haha....... school... what's that?

i went to the mall today and bought a cookie from the great american cookie co. it was good as well. double doozie. mmmmm

i also went to waterloo records. my first time in my entire life of living in austin. how shameful to neglect a city landmark my whole life. i bought two cd's. the first is recover's new album, "this may be the year i disappear." the second is by the juliana theory, called "emotion is dead." both are excellent. go get em.

these blisters on my hands are bothersome..... hopefully they'll be gone within the next few days.

i watched "requiem for a dream" last night..... by far the most screwed up movie i've ever watched. don't even get me started... i also watched "anchorman"........ don't get me started on that one either.. so ridiculously stupid

haha wow that aussie accent still has me giggling. if you ever get the opportunity to hear one, i suggest you take advantage of that opportunity. it is a privilege unlike any other. and it is by far the most rewarding i've found.

that's it for now. i have nothing left to say.

Current mood:

giddy

Current music: "drunken lullabies" -- flogging molly

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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Monday, January 10, 2005

3:05AM - a long time waiting

A major problem with having a winter break a month in length and having an indecisive personality like mine, is that immense, extreme boredom may be preempted through the hours on end spent sitting, staring at a glowing screen... much like I am doing now! Not much has changed obviously.

In one of my spouts of boredom, I dug through the labyrinth of the internet and found this old thing (what I'm writing in currently), just to read it for kicks.

Personally, I found, and not to any surprise, the entries filled with consistent self-loathing. At the same time, I thought it was kind of fun to read through this garbage. I especially liked reading the random quotes I wrote over the course of a couple of years. I had forgotten all about those.

So what's new....

College.... red hair.... winter break that is a month long... leading to boring day that I just can't seem to gain the motivation to conquer........ new friends.. good new friends at that. The friends that I miss being away from, that I wish I could see everyday. It's not often we find people like that.

A person who I personally cherish, yet have not spoken to in over 5 months, has come home from New Zealand. I find it strange that I can go so long in silence, yet when the silence is broken, it's only then that I really notice it was once there. This person means a good deal to me. Was once a mentor to me, and I mentored her. I hope to see her before I have to leave again for school...

What exactly did I ever find so enjoyable about writing in this thing..... hmmmmm

For now...

Current mood:

tired

Current music: nada

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Sunday, April 11, 2004

11:34PM - What's this life for?

What is my destiny; where am I going? What is my purpose, why am I living? Why am I here? For whatever reason, I have been continually questioning everything that comes my way, causing great difficulty in the normal coexistance between me and everything else. It's either I care too much or I just don't care enough. Perhaps I lie right in the median of it all. To take school for example, I simply do not care anymore how my performace ranks among other students or if it even compares with the standards set before my by my parents. I'm becoming more and more lazy. I don't care for anything anymore. I have no motivation for living the normal day to day life like "normal" people are supposed to. I don't want a job nor am I attempting to get one. Grades I could let slip to oblivion and I couldn't care less. I have found I don't care too much lately about what my family has to say to me or about me or their advice. There are truly only two things I obtain an interest in, a passion for: the church, of course. And most important to me of anything, my relationship with Kristin. How I love her so much. I'd go anywhere out of my way just to see her or be with her. I screwed up for the first time with her. And my error was not even major but it still had a big impact. And even though the thought of it was not on her mind today, it still was stagnant on my brain.

I've been awake since 5:10 AM this morning. To start the day, went to a sunrise service for Easter Sunday. I picked up Kristin at around 6 in the morning and we headed off. It poured most of the day, or just simply rained on us. I really have no motivation to be writing at the moment but people requested it, so here I am....

All in all, I spent 15 glorious hours with my Princess today, and it feels so complete to be with her for such an extended period of itme; especially with her family. I love them all with the deepest ventures of my heart.

I could go to sleep right now. This was just an update. Be patient.

Current mood:

tired

Current music: "everything" -- juliana theory

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Monday, March 22, 2004

4:26PM - "Christened by the steel..."

Tis been a while. I spent the past week in Tijuana, Mexico on a misison trip; probably the most enlightening and humbling experiences of my life so far. The purpose of the trip was to build six houses in a newly renovated portion of land that the Mexican government set aside for many families that had to be relocated due to weather conditions and their prior location. We had about 70 people go down there total. Everyone was divided into six groups of about 10-12 people, and each group built a house. The group I was in, our house was for a family of four: mother, husband, and two children. It was the hardest work I've ever had to do in my life, and ultimately, the msot rewarding work too.
The very first day, we leveled the ground that the house was to be built upon. I think this was the hardest part because it took more than a day to accomplish. It was the most frustrating as well.
The second day, after finishing the leveling, we molded the concrete slab, the foundation of the structure. Again, this was fairly difficult. We ended up having too much cement to use, and it dried too quickly. In the end, the slab was not totally level, but just enough, so it was all good.
The third day consisted of constructing the walls for the house. This was by far the easiest work, and the fastest. We were able to build all the walls, but weren't able to stand all of them. To give an idea, we had four long walls and three short walls. The house is just two rooms that are about 12 feet by 12 feet or so. And we were able to put up the walls for one room that day.
The fourth day... finished setting up the walls, and leveled them all out, made sure they were plum as well, and nailed them all in place. And there was the skeleton for our family's new home. Just to see something rise from the dirt was already a great sensation. After the walls were up and in place, our group divided into two teams: one to paint the siding for the walls, and the other to nail the siding to the walls. I was a hammerer. Good times with that. We were successful in painting all the siding, and nailing up all the sides except the side with the door, which needed to wait to be cut so that the door would actually fit there.
Day Five: Three windows were placed in the walls for the family. What's a house without windows? The rest of the siding was nailed to the frame, and the door section was cut out. While the last of the siding was being put into place, part of our group started on the roof, nailing in the rafters and the middle support beam. All the siding was put in place and just about everyone joined in on finishing the roof as quickly as possible. It was the most tedious and lengthy part of the construction. We used a particle board to form the roof's structure, and then used tar paper to cover that. Then, we covered the tar paper with mineral paper, which would reflect immense sunlight and heat off the roof, as well as repel water, to prevent any water damage to the roof. We don't want leaky roofs. I finished the roof personally with the last touch ups of tar and mineral paper, and we prayed that this house would serve as not only a home, but a temple for the family as well. It was past dark when we finished..
The last day, we installed the front door, nailed in the particle board on the dividing wall which split the two rooms. Finally, we placed gifts inside of the house that we thought the family could use for their fresh start. Then it was time to hand the keys to our family. The minute our host family unlocked the front door, I felt as if a part of me had been opened. I gave my sweat, blood, and tears (all literally) for this house, to make sure it would keep this family of four safe from the elements. Then we all left without much to say, as angels will do I think.

Six days of the hardest labor... such an incredible feeling. But our time was not all work and no play. The next day, we drove into San Diego, crossed the border! That was pretty fun to stop off and buy stuff at the little markets on the border. Once in San Diego, we dropped our stuff off at a relative Presbyterian church on Coronado Island, and everyone had about 3 hours of total free time. Kristin and I took a nice walk around a few blocks, just talking. At first, the purpose of the walk was to find a piercing parlor because I wanted to pierce my eyebrow. But it turns out that piercing and tattooing is outlawed on Coronado. Very strange..... So we then went to Coronado Beach, by Hotel Del Coronado. We walked on the water's edge for about half a mile, splashing each other, kissing in the bright sun, with the light shimmering off the crashing waves, writing in the sand, taking pictures, giving her piggy-back rides. It was a very good day. Then me and many others played Ultimate on hte beach. Talk about ultimate. It is so hard to run barefoot in the loose sand. Ahh.... what an incredible trip....

Highlights:
Not showering for 3 days straight
Opening myself up to acquaintances, and building up new and old friendships
Crying with Kristin Thursday night because I love her so much
Roughly calculating the ratio of dogs to humans in Tijuana... I think it's about 5:1
Seeing a canibal dog..... yes......... it was eating another dog.. sad and funny at the same time.
Carousing the border for random trinkets
Watching Travis and Matt pee on the side of the highway and get their pants pulled down
Frisbee on Coronado Beach
Plane rides
Finally... getting my eyebrow pierced the day I got home.

Here's a funny story about that. Today while waiting in the fine arts building for the piano teacher to show up, I was just talking to random people, and as we were walking to the piano room, a friend of mine says, "Hey how was your spring break.... HEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! That is nice! Christened by the steel! Corbet you are sexy. You are one sexy bitch."

Hense "christened by the steel."

Current mood:

happy

Current music: Local H -- "High Fiving Motherf***er"

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Monday, March 8, 2004

9:54PM - horney toad

I got back tonight from visiting TCU today. I must say, for knowing what I already knew about the school, I was thoroughly enlightened about the ways of the campus and the student body. It was very informative and exciting in its own little ways. I really like the size of the campus. It suits me well. I also liked the dorm halls that I would have to stay in. Of course there's a variety of dorms to stay in, but they're all very nice. I actually find the concept of dorming with another person, or even two others, exciting. I guess I'm just ready to get out of here. Being at TCU excited me today. I felt very comfortable there, and I can definitely see myself going there. So the question that is now at hand is... am I destined to be a horned frog.. or "horney toad" as my mom likes to call it. For now, I must stay calm, and remain undeclared, and wait for the other three colleges to send me responses, accept/reject. I honestly don't care if I do or don't get in to the other places. I'm really diggin' TCU.

On the way down last night, I had a very interesting conversation with my mom about religion, relationships, family, stress, and many other tidbits. I don't think I've had that much of an intriguing conversation with her before, but it was good. However, immediately after the talk, I began feeling very guilty, and I'm not sure why. We stopped to eat at Denny's in Temple and we talked more about stuff. She was talking, I was listening, was mainly how it went. She talked about mistakes she made in high school, but wouldn't want to go back to change anything, because then she wouldn't have all she has now. So good does come out of the wicked. Then I went out to the car once we were finished eating because I felt like being alone. While my mom was inside paying, I turned on the stereo and listened to a song by Relient K, called "Getting Into You" I think, that Kristin said reminded her of me. And it felt like a four minute summary of my life right now. The whole theme of "I'm a Christian now. What have I got myself into?" It has been harder lately than normal. Nearing the end of the year, things are not all as I would like them to be, especially in relationships with others. Am I really so biased? Am I really such a pessimist? Have I really changed so much that I've caused my "friends" to despise me? Have I been able to create that much dissention... Everyone changes, it's natural. But change sucks people. It is bad in my book.

My whole weekend sort of has a reoccuring theme, about influences. Sunday, I gave part of a talk to the middle schoolers about how we are influenced as people. I gave two anecdotes of how I've been influenced, before and after I came to Christ. And then I gave my interpretation of how I've been led since I found my faith. I was amazed at how none of them were talking while I was giving my talk. I felt very good talking to them, and very comfortable. I can't help it, but I love those guys. They're great, even when they're at their worst. It's the type of environment I'd really like to work in while I'm in college. This may be what I want to do with my life; help lead younger kids.. or more mentor them. I don't think a direct leading is necessary for their age. Faith, in my experience, is more of a coming of age type thing. It blossoms when it needs to and when the time is right. It cannot be forced. That's a mistake I see often. But I just want those kids to know they have someone they can trust and count on and look up to. And I always feel honored and privileged when I'm with them.

Current mood:

content

Current music: none....

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Sunday, February 29, 2004

10:55PM - thanks, mel

So I saw "The Passion of the Christ" last night....... I really don't know what to say about it.......... Seriously not a film to be taken with a light heart. I felt like I was witnessing the actual crucifixion, it was that powerful over me. I felt humbled after it. I felt very weak as well. To me, I think that the stories of the Bible are something that everyone at some point in their lives will hear about. And so, to this time, it's like the stories have just become childhood fables to pass on from generation to generation, but not really taken as seriously as they perhaps should be. It's so hard to believe in something like this when I'm surrounded people so many people who do not. Going to one of the most secular high schools here in Austin, it's so easy to follow the crowd and just say "to hell with faith." But I don't want that for me. I feel like my faith has been rediscovered. That I have a better idea of just what the Son did for all of mankind. And I feel much stronger because of it. The interesting thing about this film, I think, is that anyone who sees it, and converses about it with their colleagues is, if they realize it or not, revealing personal opinions about the story of the crucifixion and revealing how it makes them feel personally. That's pretty cool to me. And indeed, it will be very controversial. BUT so is the Bible, and the story itself. So its reputation maintains.

On a lighter note, I'm listening to a new cd that I got yesterday by a band called Relient K. Here's a song of universal truth, and the world should be thankful:

"Mood Ring"

We all know the girls that I am talking about
Well they are time bombs and they are ticking
And the only question is when they'll blow up
And they'll blow up
We know that without a doubt
'Cause they're those girls
You know those girls that let their emotions get the
best of them
And I've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man

Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
So we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
'Cause we'll know just what they're thinking, just what they're
thinking

She's so pretty but she doesn't always act that way
Her mood's swinging on the swing set almost everyday
She said to me that she's so happy it's depressing (stressed
out that it's soothing)
And all I said was someone get that girl a mood ring

If it's drama you want then look no further
They're like "The Real World" meets "Boy Meets World" meets
"Days of Our Lives"
And it just kills me how they get away with murder
They'll anger you then bat their eyes
Those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize

And I've contrived some sort of plan to help my fellow man
Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
So we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
'Cause we'll know just what they're thinking, just what they're
thinking

When it's black it means watch your back because
you're probably the last person in the world right now
she wants to see
And when it's blue it means that you should call her up
immediately
And ask her out because she'll most likely agree
And when it's green it simply means that she is really stressed
And when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless
(And that's alright... I must confess)

We all know the girls I am talking about
She liked you Wednesday but now it's Friday
and she has to wash her hair
And it just figures that we'll never figure them out
First she's Jekyll and then she's Hyde
At least she makes a lovely pair

Mood ring, oh mood ring
Oh tell me will you bring
The key to unlock this mystery
Of girls and their emotions
Play it back in slow motion
So I may understand the complex infrastructure known as the
Female mind

cheers to this

Current mood:

happy

Current music: "Trademark" -- Relient K

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Thursday, February 26, 2004

11:02PM - lent begins

Lent officially began yesterday, as I was marked with a cross of ashes. ha....... "got ash?" I am a riot. After much deliberation, I finally decided that for Lent this year, I will give up, for 40 days, all carbonated drinks. And I will maintain this for the entire span of Lent. It will be good.

Tonight I was in a weird mood... Saw "Guys and Dolls." A very entertaining musical I think. It was awkward sitting where I was though.... sitting right behind a person who just recently said they wished to not speak with me from now on.. how does one deal with or accept that? I think I've said this before..... but it's been digging into me somewhat. I have to shield myself from her pressence almost. Like I'm missing a part of me that I only knew starting almost three years ago. So I don't know how to hold my own in this situation exactly. It's not everyday someone says they don't want to speak with you anymore..

I spoke with a very very funny dude last night. He's a youth pastor up in Washington... or is it Idaho.... or some place up in the northwest. I talked with him about my current status as a Christian, and where I hope life will take me. Also about what I want out of life. It was a very good conversation, and I don't even know the guy. I know him only as subliminal, through one of my own youth leaders. They both have the same last name, which is funny, but not related. And they're best friends. It's a cool bond they have. If you want to experience this fellow's random spirited life for yourself, go here: http://cleave.blogs.com.

day two.

Current mood:

tired

Current music: "Find the Words" -- Mad At Gravity

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004

10:36PM - feeling very RAAAANDOOOM

So yeah..... I feel quite anxious and am anticipating the unknown.... and I'm in a goofy mood. Here are some "funny" quotes that I've been taking down since the beginning of junior year... ENJOY.
(Be advised, some are of crude humor.... but still pretty funny)

" 'Hey, you need to take a shit? Come to the library. Check out a book while you're at it.' I'm going to advertise that!"

"Chug a lug, chug a lug, make ya wanna holla hi-de-ho!"

"Russians always stamp their logo on every possession of theirs. 'This is ours! We must stamp it! (spoken in Russian accent)' "

"I just bled on my crotch..."

"SHUT UP! YOU'RE STUPID!"

"Rambo Kitty!!.......... meow.."

"You get a sticker.... g o o d j o b...."

"Ginkgobiloba"

"Look I'm a washing machine! WEEEEEEE!"

"FANTASTIC!"

"I like soft furry things, George" (of mice and men)

"How do you castrate a redneck? Hit his sister over the head"

"I am Biron Leftwich! And I am God!"

"Where's a good place to take a girl.......?"
"In a vacant parking lot...."

"Don't ever smell another guy's sack.... hackey sack that is..."

"If you are sick, the doctor will thump your 'sack.'.... what's a sack??"

"OW I just sat on my right nut.... ahhh I'm lightheaded now..."

"What do you teach at 'Anyone Can College'?"

"That's a negatory, rubberducky. Ten-four Teddy bear"

"Look, he's getting hard just talking to her.."
"Negatory, but if I did, I would not be ashamed to tell her."

"It's like a Go-gurt, only chocolate!"

"SMOOTH MOVE, EX-LAX!"

"Bob Marley smoked the big fat doobage.." - yes... my mother said this one day..

"Looking for Coach is like playing Where's Waldo."

"What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? 'DONUT SEEDS!'"

"you ever had the one where your scalp falls asleep and it feels like you have burning on the brains?"

"Like a hotdog in a hallway.."

"Are you crazy?!? That's not a milk moustache!!"

"Russian parts, American parts... They're all made in Taiwan!"

"You might get your boyfriend or girlfriend to meet you in the back of the library for a little slap and tickle..) - teachers say the most perverse things...

"Llama face!.... Oh I'm bad. Bad llama!"

"Like spreading peanut butter evenly on a piece of bread."

"My will is made out of silly putty."

"I like girls right up until they start to talk..."

"I think everytime someone sees a midget, they want to buy a blender." - 'that 70's show'

"Ernt and Bernie"

"It's so bad it makes you want to slap grandma.."
"Yeah..... I've done that.."

"You have too many shoes! You woman!"

"The face of a child can say a lot. Especially the mouth part."

"OK... here's what happens at the end...... She's really an ogre!"

"But what about the band Rush... their name..... nevermind.."
"Yeah man! Tom Sawyer!"
"Yeeeeaaaaaahhhh........ Huck Finn too..."

"Hey come feel the inside of my flower."

"Whoever can name Newton's Laws on motion can receive five boners..... BONUS!! I MEANT BONUS!" - again... a teacher..

"Excuse me.. Sir... put your hands in the air.... and wave them like you just don't give a damn..."

"What is the SI unit for work?"
"Minimum wage."

"Hey that's a pretty nice ring, real bling-blingin'. Is it real? What'd you have to sell to buy it?"

"They don't use oil to baptize, it's always water. Jesus is not greasy!"

ok... this is a classic.
"Am I sayin' meow? Do I look like a cat to you? Do you see me jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Do you see me drinkin' milk from a saucer? WELL DO YOU SEE ME EATIN' MICE?!"

"Hey Ray, your wallet's hangin out of your ass." - another teacher quote.

"I'm gassy today..." - teacher....

"Would you like some cliches to go with your snap-judgements, you bigot?!"

That's all I have for now.... haha........ I still think it's pretty good.

Current mood:

giggly

Current music: "99 Red Balloons" -- Goldfinger

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Tuesday, February 24, 2004

9:40PM - people, people, people

What really confuses me, is how and why people build up a defense to themselves when they hear or see something that may apply to them, but is not necessarily aimed at them or about them at all. However, I do not step off my pedestal. I remain to hold the floor. Some theories have bee suggested as to why people, ESPECIALLY GIRLS, become so defensive when they hear something that stings. I have no opinion on any of them, because I am not those people. I am very offended however by those who accuse me of being self-righteous and overly pompous. I am simply doing and saying what I feel is right. It's MY opinion, if you don't like it, then don't fucking listen to it. It's that simple.

a song para tu:
"Glass" -- Incubus

if i had a dime for every time you walked away
i could afford to not give a shit
and buy a drink and drown the day
but your pockets, they are empty
yeah, and mine are times two
so why not make an about-face
and accept the love i send to you?
you're never gonna be content if you don't try
try to see outside your line.
there you go, you did it again!
you act as if there's blinders on your eyes
should i apologize if what i say burns your ears and stains your eyes?
oh, did i crack your shell?
when it falls away, you'll see we exist as well
like a bottle with the cork stuck
your true ingredients trapped up inside
through the cloudy glass we catch a glimpse of you
i guess the hard shell represents your pride
oh, if only it could be different
we could uncover the you, you deny
between two, a small discrepancy
one complicates and one simplifies
TAKE THOSE FUCKING BLINDERS OFF YOUR EYES
so if i had a dime for every time you walked away
you could bet your bottom dollar that
i'd be filthy rich by noon today.

However it's been seeming more and more that my faith has driven people out of my life.... and I do not know what to do or think of this. Very important, influencial individuals seem to be disappearing as I near the end of high school. I do not wish to end this with bloody ties and broken bonds. Someone I've always felt close to, no matter what went on between us, or if we never spoke... wishes not to continue any sort of formal acquaintancy. This, at first, I was indifferent about because I wasn't giving the concept much thought. However, with some thought, it makes me sad. We're two very strong willed individuals who have very strong beliefs; beliefs very much contradicting to one another's. We're both stubborn as hell, and close minded in our own ways. And we will never back down from our beliefs for anything, which is the way any strong-willed person is. And as well, everyone with beliefs should be. Never back down from what you believe in; stand firm. Fight for it even. Anyway.... it began to feel like two years of my life has disappeared; something I can never have back. Naturally, this sadness turned to bitterness, and I'm frustrated that a person could just dismiss someone from their life as easily as it seemed to be done with me. This is only my interpretation though. I could be totally off. I don't know..... I don't know why I want to hold on to that person. I still feel something I suppose. Something has always been there, despite ups and downs and silence. I can't help how much she was a part of me, and what a terrific learning experience sharing those two years with her was. And not to mention that, even though it was very rough at times, those two years were very good to me. I don't know what to say.... I want this year to be over though.... I want to graduate, walk across the stage, receive my diploma for being a mediocre student, and relax during the summer. And hopefully start a summer internship in the youth department of my church. And continue on with my always troubled, insignificant life, with a self-righteous, pious attitude toward all mankind, especially those who are non-believers. Man...... it is fact that Christians are the most persecuted group of people on the face of the earth. We're hit with such a large barrage of crap all the time about leading pointless lives, or thinking we're better than everyone else, or just so many misconceptions about the religion. But I guess that's the price we pay for following something blindly as we all do. That is faith, my friends. This is faith for me. Call it foolishness. Here's a good passage about persecution......

John 15:18 (Jesus speaking)
"If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you."

"Hate" is a tad extreme.... but you get the point. Or maybe you don't. Maybe it's not to be understood, yet accepted regardless. One thing I don't think I made clear before..... despite all trespasses and hard times and poor actions between my friends and I... it doesn't matter what any of them do to each other, to themselves, or to me, I love them all regardless. Nothing could change that. I just care to an extreme extent. I am one of those who will love someone to the point, or even if, they hate me.

Current mood:

calm

Current music: "I Am Hated" -- Slipknot (good song for the shoulder demon)

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Monday, February 23, 2004

5:16PM - addiction

These livejournals/ personal journal deals are quite addictive. And I've found people have been turning them into battlegrounds to slug out verbal wars. Personally, I like to stay attentive to my own matters and issues, and stay out of others. But sometimes it's completely irresistable to just say something to someone or about someone else. Lately... it would seem a common topic of discussion for fighting over would be that of relationships. Of course, it is something that EVERYONE struggles with. And for a more personal outlook on it, relationships within or outside the body of Christ. Speaking from both areas, I have found it much easier with the flow of things, as well as just generally much better of a bond between two individuals of the same beliefs. I listened to a discussion just yesterday afternoon at our middle school youth group about having secular, or non-Christian friends. Of course not everyone has the same beliefs; that would be utterly impossible to have done. But it is true that those who are of different belief than the one who is Christian, can cause that person to stray from their "potential" or "goal" in life, which is to live a like like Christ. Secular friends and acquaintances, I suppose I could agree, have put me in harder positions than my friends who are believers. However, it's hard to say no to those friends because you are having a good time with them. Saying "no" is a hard thing to do these days. The passage we read was First Corinthians, 15:33-34, which goes:

"Do not be deceived: 'Evil company corrupts good habits.' Awake to righteousness, and do not sin; for some do not have the knowledge of God. I speak this to your shame."

Getting to the point now.. This is all response, in return fire, to a passage I read on a friend's journal, and a response to that passage. I have a dear friend, who I will call, for the sake of their identity, Liz. And she has a loving boyfriend by the name of Jim. Now as far as being a Christian, I do have some fairly liberal beliefs, that even somewhat conflict with the religion. However, I tend to stay more in tact with those morals of Christianity because I know many of my motives are flawed. A response to a certain entry of my friend's stated their sinful nature of committing adultery. The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not commit adultery." This means no sex until wedlock, for all you who are not aware of these Godly rules. I personally was not fond of this one. I believed that if two people loved each other enough to share that kind of bond, then it is completely appropriate. Little did I know, until I experienced this myself, that sex is very much like marriage. It is a bond that if broken, causes the death of a partner's spirit; ultimate depression. This is my one mistake. My biggest mistake. Now my two friends who are dating, are not married, nor are anywhere near being married. I can firmly state that a consumation of love is a beautiful thing, only if maturity on behalf of the two involved has reached its full potential. I am positive now, however, that I do not wish to engage in such activity until I am married. It is too heavy a responsibility, and ultimately a great burden for someone my age and younger. The issue brought up was that sex outside of marriage is blasphemous. I can attest to this somewhat, not wholely though. I know what I did was very very wrong. I never should've even placed myself in that situation where I'd be tempted to do something outside of my religious beliefs. That's a naive mind for ya..... And there is the issue of forgiveness of our sins to God. I know my sin was forgiven, not only by God, but those close to me who have had this news revealed upon them. For this I am thankful. However, there is the situation among my friends, in which they continually engage in sexual activities. I am not sure if they remotely care about being in a state of sinful nature, or if they are under the impression that since all sins are forgiven, it is therefore okay to repeat the same sins and mistakes; because either way, we all make it to Heaven. This attitude, I find very annoying and very contradicting to Christian beliefs. I really cannot stand those who sin to have fun and think it's all okay just because they are forgiven for it. To me, this is directly taking advantage of a priviledge. To further this situation, in response to that first response, which criticized Liz for being an adulterer (Hmmm....), Tiffany, a person I've known all throughout high school, and had more than my fair share of ups and downs with her, responded, by being a critic in Liz's favor, griping that the anonymous critic had no ground to base any judgement on Liz. Yes, judgement is not for a human to base on a fellow human, but only for God to bring down his justice on all of us. So this I can agree with. However, I can firmly say that it is any person's place to pass along their opinion of a situation. And in this case, the anonymous speaker would be correct, as far as religious aspects go. Sinful in nature, this lustful couple, although Christian, does commit adultery. I personally have a problem with people who talk in defense over others about a situation or topic that they know nothing about. I also have a problem with those Christians who declare their servitude to God, and say they are completely faithful, yet sin every day of the week they are not in church. Those who sin just to sin, to have a good time, and continually do so just because they are "forgiven" of all sins really contradict the Christian belief system and lifestyle. And as far as those who are agnostic, or atheist, or of other religion, who all do have their own beliefs, can surely have their own opinions about religions and what is and isn't right. However, those who are not Christian really have no firm base to build their judgement seat against Christianity. I am guilty as any of judgement and of my sins against the pure nature of God, and I am no better than anyone else, since we are all sinners. But I have a hard time dealing with those who have fewer morals, or those repeatingly contradicting Christians who I still associate with. It's a never ending battle, with very very few allies, and very few weapons. What is right and wrong. Or moreso, WHO is right and wrong. In conclusion..... simply, although guilty, and have no place saying anything other than just braving my opinion, continual sinners are prosecuted only by God at his judgement seat. And those who are continual sinners, some of which I know very well, I wish were not in their place at this time.

Current mood:

amused

Current music: "Air" -- Sparta

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Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Sunday, February 8, 2004

3:12PM - Disciple Now '04

Coming back from a weekend of mass reflection and introspect... I would've never known or even suspected the intellectual capacity and depth of the 8th grade mind. I think I learned more about those younger than me this weekend than I ever have about those peers of my same age, at any given time. These kids are truly gifted youth, and I see great prospect in each of them. They even helped me to relax and open up more this weekend than I typically ever have around a group of people. And I much rather enjoy relating and being on the same level with these guys than with those in my grade. It's just far more interesting to me to see these kids and talk about the happenings in our lives, and see how deep they can plunge into their own selves. Prayer wasn't fearful for me, as it usually is. I think I'm onto something with this youth leadership. This is an incredible thing for me, and I feel extremely priviledge to be a part of it. The kids will never know how much they help me, and how happy it makes me to see them intellectually involved in their studies over scripture. I love the fact that the majority of them aren't afraid to show their true emotions amongst each other, and how strong that makes them in my eyes to see them interacting as THEMSELVES, not hidden behind masks of shame or disgrace. Most importantly, is how accepting they are of each other and of others, especially those who do not follow in the same footsteps that they do. Many people view Christians as very close minded individuals. That Christians think they are higher than anyone else and are just a big clique, as any society has. In some aspects, these accusations are true. But the truth is... well........ the truth is to be fortold by me, because I am not a valid body to speak the truth of a whole religion. But I believe it is the other way around. People who are not Christians are less open to suggestion about beliefs and views on life than Christians, simply because it is human nature to block out certain groups. Or perhaps because the ideas expressed in Christianity oppose many already "proven" philosophies and concepts that make the world function today. Totally understandable, and I often do question the motives of the Christian religion. It seems biased often... but so are those who oppose Christianity. So it's the same on any level, no matter what side people are on. And the fact that society builds up walls and sides and barriers in regards to religion is flat out rediculous. But, it is there, to deal with. Just another obstacle. I took a lot away from this weekend, aside from a lot of unopened bags of cereal and snacks that were not consumed. And I feel I deepened my relationships with some of the kids, as well as allowed them to further trust in me as someone to look up to; such a great feeling. I like the place I am in. I like these kids. These kind of things are helping me everyday to decide my future. What shall I do....

Current mood: Enlightened

Current music: "New Millennium Homes" -- Rage Against The Machine

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Monday, January 26, 2004

7:51PM - "i am so happy right now i just want to yell" (direct quote)

My life has been nothing but a strand of blessing after blessing in the past week. Of course I am blessed to be here today, living, breathing, writing these words for you, "your name here," to keep you updated on the events that unfold. There is so much..... I am so incredibly pleased with everything right now, to start things off. Except school. But school matters very little to me. However, it all counts for something. But it's so irrelevant right now. So little matters except what is all on my mind. Let's see if I can list them off...

1. After an extraordinarily long week, I ended everything on a great note by spending a solid six hours with a wonderful person. Kristin..... goodness.... I am such a fool for love. I'm a sucker, choose your flavor. But I really don't care. It is such a pleasure to spend this time with her, and I feel extremely fortunate everyday that I have found this place with her. As I usually am even around her, I am speechless to great extents when I think of all the things about her that make me smile. It is such an incredible sensation. I'm so indescribable. Thank you.

2. To start off the day, went guitar shopping. Oh and did I come home with a piece of art in my hands, indeed. I bought the greatest thing. A Takamine acoustic/electric piece of beauty. Ohhhhh it sounds like the heavens and above. I played guitar solid for about 5 hours or so that day. I just can't get enough. Such a fun new toy! That night, I again spent the night's time with that wonderful girl of mine. We played Scattergories.. haha. I've never played before... and I discovered I am awesome. But... the night was just simply grand. Everything so simple and fluid. Another great evening spent.

3. Sunday... what more can be said of a typical Sunday afternoon and evening. Church for about 6 hours or so. I have felt like I've been getting more and more out of it lately, and this is very exciting and intriguing to me. I was able to try out my new guitar, plugged in. Such a bold, deep, beautifully blended sound. Some things just give me a chill up my spine.... oh it's so good.

I had a moment of reconciliation.. and reminiscing on some things at about one o'clock this morning. A very humbling moment to me. Just listening to some songs from a good friend, sort of put me in my place, in some regards. Sort of made me realize their own pain and suffering, and I am trying to feel any similar pain... just so I know what I helped cause. It was such a terrible sensation that overcame me, but it was very pleasing to feel it at the same time. I know now, in some ways, how I've been so horrible and can learn how to be differently in the future. But at the same time, there's no way I could search deep enough in me to feel exactly like that person. Sure I've started digging....... but........ it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I've made. Unfortunately for me, there's not very much I could possibly do now, except just face the facts of my crimes and learn from it.

Other than all of the above.... life is simple, just as I like it to be. And I am so happy with things. Even this whole college bit isn't that bad. But.... again......... so much happiness.

"Blue Carolina" -- Alkaline Trio
It's everything that I can do right now
to not think about you moving further off with every passing second
And every night of this lonely summertime
I feel you missing from my heart, a part was kidnapped from my soul

Well I can hardly wait
Until I get the sun and your lips both pressing on my skin
Well I can hardly wait
Until I feel that thrill in my heart that starts inside your eyes
And a song in my head that burns so good on my tongue
Yes I will

The night is aging as the sun warms your face
Won't you turn around and stay for good, the air is getting much too cold
I am nervous and anxious. It really counts this time
And you know all my favorite singers have stolen all of my best lines

Well I can hardly wait
Until I get the sun and your lips both pressing on my skin
Well I can hardly wait
Until I feel that thrill in my heart that starts inside your eyes
And a song in my head that burns so good on my tongue
Yes I will

Someday I'll burn this bed, only two feet wide but where I'll hide...
For the next seventeen days... I will ask myself, "How badly do I want this?"
I really want this.

Current mood:

ecstatic

Current music: "One Armed Scissor" -- At The Drive In

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Sunday, January 18, 2004

12:40PM - tuck your tail and run

For whatever the reason.... I feel repulsed by the simple ways of human nature, and all its natural beings. I really hate the things people will do. I really do often think of the human race as the largest plague to have ever swept the land. A virus, killing this planet, as well as killing each other. I suppose I wonder sometimes why people can't just be satisfied with their lives. Why do we feel the need to always have more than what is necessary, and want what rightfully shouldn't be ours in the first place. Why can't there be a more simple coexistence between all things, instead of the world continuing its feudalistic ways. We are barbaric at heart, and we sugar coat it with technology and biological and chemical warfare. We are all little boys who like to play with matches. From the smallest spark, how big of a crater can we create? How self righteous can we become from having the smallest balls and the biggest guns. People flat out have no direction in life. Who is a true leader.... as far as I'm concerned, we are all followers in some fashion. A colony of roaches we are. We all have a number, we all will wait in line, wait in life. We all have our specified jobs. Each of us is a piece of the puzzle. Each of us is a nut, a bolt, a gear, a pulley, a belt, some piece of a monstrosity of a corporate machine. It's not what we were meant for. "We were meant to live for so much more. Have we lost ourselves?" Could it be said more perfectly than that? What are our goals, what is our purpose. Should we even live? Questions, questions, questions..... so many. And there are no answers that are mutually agreed upon. This is an age of pathetic existence.

However.... this is our life. This is what we have to work with, as crappy as it is. I regret only having this one lifetime to do all I want to do for us. I want so much more than this. So much more..

caught off guard
all worked up
the air is as dark and cold as night
let me go
i'm not done
i swear i'll take this one lifetime and i

i won't lie
i won't sin
maybe i don't want to go
can't you wait
maybe i don't want to go

i should've asked
i could've helped
at least a fucking thousand times before
will this offer get me in
or does it prove that they gave more and i

i won't lie
i won't sin
maybe i don't want to go
can't you wait
maybe i don't want to go

and i
i won't lie
i won't sin
maybe i don't want to go
can't you wait
maybe i don't want to go

and i
i won't lie
i won't sin
maybe i don't want to go
can't you wait
maybe i don't want to go

Current mood:

distressed

Current music: "(Rondo) all turca" -- Mozart

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Thursday, January 15, 2004

Monday, January 12, 2004

7:02PM - behind new eyes

I honestly believe that it is a priviledge to be forgiven for a sin. True, all is forgiven in most forms of religion. But deep down in my own heart... even though I know the forgiveness is there, I can never take it for granted. Half the time I feel like I don't deserve it, yet I am blessed. And I am so thankful. On return from my confession of sin this past weekend, I learned what it truly is to be forgiven, pardoned, and loved by a fellow child of God. Never before have I ever felt so much weight lifted off my soul and spirit. I am so flighty now, feel as though I could truly be lifted up. Words cannot truly describe at all how incredibly happy I am with all that I have right now, and all that I feel. Even though right now... or rather earlier in the day, I was angered by a certain person who unjustly revealed a dark secret of mine... not their place to say anything about me and what I've done. But, I love this person, and I know she never has but the best intentions.

just... wow....

Hurray for a child
That makes it through
If there's any way
Because the answer lies in you
They're laid to rest
Before they know just what to do
Their souls are lost
Because they could never find
What's this life for
I see your soul, it's kind of grey
I see your heart, you look away
You see my wrist, I know your pain
I know your purpose on your plane
Don't say a last prayer
Because you could never find
What's this life for
But they ain't here anymore
Don't have to settle the score
Because we all live
Under the reign of one King

Current mood:

happy

Current music: none

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C0RB3T R@TCL!FF's Journal

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

11:44PM - parental advisory

10:50PM - productivity at an all time low

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

7:38PM - it nears.... grrr

Monday, January 10, 2005

9:16PM - once again

3:05AM - a long time waiting

Sunday, April 11, 2004

11:34PM - What's this life for?

Monday, March 22, 2004

4:26PM - "Christened by the steel..."

Monday, March 8, 2004

9:54PM - horney toad

Sunday, February 29, 2004

10:55PM - thanks, mel

Thursday, February 26, 2004

11:02PM - lent begins

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

10:36PM - feeling very RAAAANDOOOM

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

9:40PM - people, people, people

Monday, February 23, 2004

5:16PM - addiction

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

12:19AM - Painful Reflection:::

Sunday, February 8, 2004

3:12PM - Disciple Now '04

Monday, January 26, 2004

7:51PM - "i am so happy right now i just want to yell" (direct quote)

Sunday, January 18, 2004

12:40PM - tuck your tail and run

Thursday, January 15, 2004

8:16PM - Unpredicted

Monday, January 12, 2004

7:33PM - secrets

7:02PM - behind new eyes