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Blurty for you will not reach me.
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| Thursday, January 8th, 2004 |
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good god, i'm gonna be 22 tomorrow. i feel as if i'm still 16. i sit here and question myself, "where has all the time gone?". and I still haven't got a answer, all i know is that when i turn 30, which i'm sure will be tomorrow, i'm going to start dating 18 year olds. this will be a sure way to feel young again. i'm at home right now, taking a break from packing, since i leave tomorrow back to school. i'm excited because i'm starting at a new university, gonna be staying in a better place where people who are 21 can drink beer if they want. but on the downside i'm leaving my girls behind. but eh, their only 10 minutes away. well. things are not the same here at home. its lonely now without my kitty. everyone still has their screwed up boyfriends and their damaged relationships. i come and go, they come and visit, and then go. nothing has changed but me. san antonio must be growing on me because i get mad so fast now. especially when i'm driving in traffic, i have a bad case of road rage. soon i'll be graduating, making my trip back to the country living with the horses and cows. its more peaceful out in the middle of nowhere. noone to bother you while you run around naked. haha. kidding. i took a death quiz yesterday. i was actually scared to take the quiz because i'm dumb enough to believe it. but i did, the results: i will die on: September 4, 2058 at the age of 76 years old. Cancer (37%) Alien Abduction (13%) Homicide (7%) Alcoholism (5%) Suicide (5%) Drowning (5%) i'm most likely to die of cancer. now, if that doesn't happen then i should watch out for those damn aliens. |
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| Friday, October 17th, 2003 |
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i'm at home now, i've been here for a couple of days. i've been spending my lost moments with my kitty because she is not doing well at all. when i walked in and saw her, i noticed right away that she was very sick. i left her only a month ago, and it amazes me how much shes changed. or maybe i did notice before, but i was in denial. well, i'm coping...i know i dont want to see her in this pain. well, last night my mom and joe took me to some restaurant in austin, where biker people hang out. the one thing i love about austin is its diversity. everyone is different and welcomed. i think i could have picked me up about 10 old biker men. i guess i attract them or something. funny thing, i saw my friend from spring break two years ago. its a small world. ok, so i talk to my friend, which is also my suitemate and she told me she went into my room to get something and that my roommate had the door locked. veronica told me that she knocked and knocked and my roommate told her hold on...and it was obvious that her and her boyfriend were having sex. this grosses me out, mostly because the mental image is disgusting. what pisses me off, is that this chick is from san antonio and so is her boyfriend, why the hell dont they take that crap to her house or his. sick. |
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| Monday, October 13th, 2003 |
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| today i feel horrible, no better than yesterday and no better than tomorrow. i'm going home tomorrow, so that i can take my kitty to the vet. yesterday my mom told me how sick she was, not being able to breath right, go to the kitty box right, and how shes not eating. when my mom put her on the phone i heard her painful meows, a sound that is going to haunt me forever. i've had sissy since the thrid grade and i know her time her on earth is coming to an end, but i just dont know how to deal with it. first i lose my sweet rover and now its my precious kitty, this sucks. i hoping by some grace that she's only depressed because of how i leave her to come here to school. i heard that this could be possible. i feel as if i abandon her whenever i leave because she doesnt understand why i have to leave. i know everyone here thinks i'm stupid for crying over a cat, but this is my precious kitty. i was doing much better today until i got back a few minutes ago, then it hits me again. i dont want to put her asleep, this is gonna be one of the hardest things to do. i dont want her to suffer either, thats selfish of me. thats enough. | ||||||
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| Thursday, October 9th, 2003 |
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i'm here at work bored out of my mind, perfect time for me to come and write something. i'm not so stressed anymore, i finished two midterms and i have more next week. i just have to write this short report for one of my other classes, and then i can relax for a while. but i am pissed because i wanted to leave today to go home, but nope. my professor didnt realize that midterm break started on the middle of the week, instead of having the whole week. so now we have to go to her class mw. now i cant leave until wed. next week. last night i went out and had fun, my baby cousin even came out with us. its nice to bond with him, cause i hardly have a chance. we played presidents and assholes for a long long time. i drunk dialed several people, they didnt mind. i think tonight i should stay in and watch a movie or something. or better yet, i should do my paper. funny, that yesterday i wrote on relationships. but when i told the consuler, she shrugged and said its ok if i like to be the controlling one. i told her how i like guys who are aggressive, and she told me why. she said i shouldnt like aggression, because most aggressive guys get psyhical. hmm...makes me think. |
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hm. life is good. same crap as always. i went to see the doctor again, she asks me about my first real relationship, and i tell her the truth about what happenedd because i know i can trust her, but yet she remembers what i told her, and she judges me. i know what my short life has consists of is pretty screwed up, but damn. i dont need to know aboujt it,. Hell i cant type for the life of me, toimorrow i shall return., |
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| Monday, October 6th, 2003 |
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soon, i will be at home in my big bed with my soft animals, with a kitchen full of free beer and barbq. i cant wait. i took my first midterm today, and i'm sure i passed with flying colors. one down, 2 to go. i actually don't have anything to exciting to speak of. this past weekend, the girls and i went to out to eat and nice meal. then went to a friends apartment, and played countless hours of drinking games. on saturday, we went to another friends apartment, and i left early to come watch movies with a friend. and i actually got lucky, with my roommate not coming back until 2 in the morning, shocking since she's always here. she has yet to miss a night here in the dorms, when she lives here in san antonio. its impossible to get any privacy. last night i went to eat dinner with my dad, which was nice, since i hardly get to see him. he was actually in a good mood, and joked around about useless crap. those are the moments i cherish. today that same guy from my class came and sat by me again. i'm not sure why he keeps doing this, because since my that other journal entry, he's come and sat by me more than once. anyways, today i had the courage to apologize for my rude comment i made. he actually laughed, and said dont worry about it. then we went on to talk about other nonimportant stuff. i feel better now, but i still feel like an ass. i tend to make myself look like an ass when i drink too much. oh well, whats done is done. i'm gonna try to get over this thing i have with hating guys for being jerks, and give some a fair chance. starting today, i change because winter is on its way. thats enough. |
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| Saturday, October 4th, 2003 |
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ok, so i'm free to write whatever i want. i have been busy with school and getting things done. i usually write in here when i'm at work but they moved me to another room on mwf-days. i work with the cmc students, the students who have problems learning their schoolwork, i help them to understand it better. then on the other days i'm still in the computer lab. last night was fun, we went to visit our friends again. they were mad at us since last weekend because their dumb. they had a barbq for us, but only we didnt know it was for us. and after awhile we left, and they got mad. so for a while we didnt go and drink with them or talk to them...ok a whole week we didnt go and drink with them. but they missed us, and we continued our drinking again. and that same guy who kept trying to hook up with me, finally stopped. he got back with his girlfriend that he had been going out with for two years. and that is exactly one of the reasons to why i didnt want to hook up with him. i dont want to be the rebound chick. oh well, hes still cool to drink and hang out with, although he does brag often. but eh, who cares. i will be hopefully transfering to another school by the spring so i that i can get out of this hellhole. i just need to fill out paper work and get started with saying my goodbyes to my friends here at the lake. ok, i'm only going down the street to other university, but still it will be a bittersweet ending. thats enough. |
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2003 |
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| Tuesday, September 30th, 2003 |
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i'm here at work, barely being able to keep my eyes open. but sleep is not a choice for me right now. i'll be going home next friday, and i can not wait. i'm already homesick, missing my family and animals. tomorrow i have to go to court for that crap i got into with this school. i am very nervous cause i'm in trouble for some other stupid crap i did two years ago. that was another horrible night, although that was not our fault. some guy hits my best friend, who is a girl, so i try to get him off of her, and that leads to this huge thing, that should have never happened to begin with. what was i suppoused to do? let him keep hitting her? no way, being that i know what it feels like to have a guy hit on me, theres noway i could sit there and watch this happen. since i'm on the subject heres my story. i'm 14, i run away with my x-boyfriend, my first love. we go to florida, where his dad is visiting his girlfriend, lisa. we had been broken up at the time, because we had got into a new fight, blah. we were there for a couple of weeks relaxing out in the middle of nowhere. when one night he's getting drunk, so i tell lisa's niece that i will go with her to some club or something since she can get me in. i get dressed and i'm ready to go, and joe starts throwing a fit saying that if i go he hurt me. he embrasses me in front of lindas family and everyone, when he throws the phone at me and it hits me in the temple. thats when i started crying, so i agree to stay. stupidly, we make up. he wants me to be with him once again. i tell him lets talk about it when he's sober, this is when he gets mad. he gets up and tells me some comment, that has yet to be erased from my memory today. i get hurt, of course, and get up and kick him in his stomach. he falls back, and then all hell breaks loose after that. he comes after me, and from 12am to 7:30 in the morning, i cant get away from him. finally his dad wakes up, and calls him into his room, i'm not sure what he tells him, because this is my chance to get away. i run next door, to lisa's aunts house, and knock. they see me and say, he hit you. these nice people take me into their house, and put me in their bed and let me sleep. since linda and joes dad had also been fighting that night, she was already sleeping in that bed. she wakes up cause she hears me crying, and her reaction is like the others. she rubs her hand along the back of my head and feels the bumps, and she swears shes gonna kick his ass. once i wake up, i'm reminded of what happened and my fear sets in again. he doesnt remember a single thing that happened. even though i have plenty of proof of what happened (bruises, bumps, black eye, stuff like that). thats not even the worse thing. since lisa's telephones are tapped (thats another long story), and i'm a runaway, my mom hears that he had beat me, cause lisa tells joes real mother over the phone what he had done. the pain i put my mother through is what makes me want to graduate from college, to make her proud. the way i made her feel from that one night kills me. knowing that my mother feels like a failure, cause she tried to prevent me from following in the her footsteps, and it not happening. theres not enough sorries in the world to make up for that. the guilt will eat me alive. we get back to san antonio, and thats when the last beating happened. there's noway my mom was gonna let me stay in a relationship like that. thank goodness for her, because i would probably still be with him today. sadly, i have alot of friends who are still in this same situation. and theres nothing i can do about it. |
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| Monday, September 29th, 2003 |
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My friend gave me this, he said he got it from a multimillionaire here in san antonio, If i had to live my life over again, i'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax. I would limber up, I would be sillier than i have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would take more trips. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but i'd have fewer imaginary ones. You see, im one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, i've had my bad moments and if i had to do over again, i'd have more of them. In fact, i'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parasol. If i had to do it again, I would travel lighter than i have. If i had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay way later in the Fall. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies. That is what i would do if i had my life to live over again...but you see, i dont. Nadine Stair 85 years old |
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| Saturday, September 27th, 2003 |
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i'm a little happy from my alcohol, so if my writing, typing, spelling, blah, is bad, while then, i'm sorry. sometimes i drink way to much. this alcoholism runs in my blood from both sides of my family. i wonder if my great-grandparents take the blame for why their 3rd generation family members are so screwed up and alcoholics. i drink a lot. i cant help it. i try not to drink, but my body whats to differ. i'm more of a happy drunk, maybe because i drink to get happy. i rarely get violent, or sad, or sexual. i just get happy. maybe thats why i like to drink. maybe cause i'm addicted to alcohol. who knows, who cares!? tonight was another good night. but still i wonder bout people, and why they act the way they do. i know i'm not perfect, but i think i'm pretty normal. some of my friends act very different. i cant understand, i'm not sure i want to understand, i'm not sure i can understand them. or is it me? thats enough. |
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| Friday, September 26th, 2003 |
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Saves the Day, Freakish As I'm talking my words slip to the floor and they crawl through your legs and slide under the back door rendering me freakish and dazed. Well here I am. I don't know how to say this. The only thing I know is awkward silence. Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out. So I'll go walking through(in) the streets until my heels bleed and I'll sing out my song in case the birds wish to sing along. And I'll dig a tunnel to the center of the universe. Well here I am. I don't know how to say this. The only thing I know is awkward silence. Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out. I'll make my way across the frozen sea, beyond the blank horizon, when(where) I can forget "you and me" and get a decent night's sleep. Well here I am. I don't know how to say this. The only thing I know is awkward silence. Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out. Don't shut me out. |
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| Thursday, September 25th, 2003 |
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i just got to work, and i'm waiting for these after school kids to come, so that they can torture me some more. the seventh graders are mean to me, laughing at me when i turn my back, all because they dont want to do work. god, i wish i was in seventh grade again. best years of my short life. today i had to go see my consulor for my anger management problem. it was nice having someone listening to what i had to say. we got into other topics, next thing i know, i have to go back for other appointments. maybe i can benefit from this. maybe not. last night was great, until one of my friends turned into an angry drunk. two of my friends got into a argument over the stupidest stuff. girls being girls. i got dragged into it, when i didnt even know what was going on. i just stood there with my other friend, which was great until he starting throwing up. then after he puked, hes asking me to go on a date with him. to bad i dont do dates. |
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| what a wonderful night. | ||||||
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| Wednesday, September 24th, 2003 |
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Elton John, I Want Love I want love, but it's impossible A man like me, so irresponsible A man like me is dead in places Other men feel liberated I want love just a differnet kind I can't love, shot full of holes Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold Don't feel nothing, just old scars Toughening up around my heart But I want love, just a different kind I want love, won't break me down Won't brick me up, won't fence me in I want a love, that don't mean a thing That's the love I want, I want love I want love on my own terms After everything I've ever learned Me, I carry too much baggage Oh man I've seen so much traffic But I want love, just a different kind I want love, won't break me down Won't brick me up, won't fence me in I want a love, that don't mean a thing That's the love I want, I want love So bring it on, I've been bruised Don't give me love that's clean and smooth I'm ready for the rougher stuff No sweet romance, I've had enough A man like me is dead in places Other men feel liberated I want love just just a different kind I want love, won't break me down Won't brick me up, won't fence me in I want a love, that don't mean a thing That's the love I want, I want love I want love, won't break me down Won't brick me up, won't fence me in I want a love, that don't mean a thing That's the love I want, I want love *common sense: change all mans to womans :)* |
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| Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003 |
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i'm thinking about one of my x-boyfriends, only because he sent me a text message today to see how i was doing. i dont understand why this guy would still want to be my friend, or still try to go out with me. i've known this guy since my second 9th grade year and we've been seeing each other off/on since we broke up my junior year. he's one of the sweetest guys i know, and yet i dont share mutual feelings with him. hmmm...i can not understand why he would still want to be with me, after all the crap i have put him through. i think the one reason i remain his friend is because he will pick me up at whatever time i want, and take my drunk ass driving around out in the country. back home, thats my favorite thing to do when i drink. go ride around late at night, listen to music that has special meaning to me, and let the fresh air hit my face. i love it. i know their is some reason i stick around with him, and i'm not sure its just because he drives me around whenever. maybe its cause he treats me with respect, never gets mad at me, loves me for me, thinks i'm special, blah, blah, blah. anyways, this guy doesnt drink, smoke, do drugs or anything, but yet, he still wants to be with my drunk ass. weird. it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with him. |
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Willie Nelson, Angel Flying to Close to the Ground If you had not have fallen Then I would not have found you Angel flying too close to the ground And I patched up your broken wing And hung around a while Tried to keep your spirits up While you were feelin' down I knew someday that you would fly away For love's the greatest healer to be found So leave me if you need to I will still remember Angel flying too close to the ground Fly on, fly on past the speed of sound I'd rather see you up Than see you down Leave me if you need to I will still remember Angel flying too close to the ground *a song from my dad to me.* |
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| Monday, September 22nd, 2003 |
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Waking up at 7 am is a pain in the ass, especially to have my professor call on random students for answers from the reading that i havent read. i thought i was smart when i picked my seat in the back of the room, but nope, she still manages to see me all the way back there. the disappearance act does not work for me. its hard to get mad at her, and say stuff like, "i hate my professor, blah," because she is a nun who is going for treatment from ovarian cancer. so i let her slide. as for work, the same 3rd grader that i made cry last week, came up and apologized for making me feel bad. i think that made me feel even worse, but oh well, at least she did her work this time. my roommate is sleeping once again. this chick sleeps all of the freakin time, and it drives me nuts. i have to try to stay quiet, and walk around silently because i try not to wake her up. but when i wake up before her and go to sleep after her, and she takes like 2 naps for a couple hours each day, i cant help but say screw it. i turn on the light so i can see my homework as i write or read. i listen to the t.v. and music on volume 20, sometimes singing at the top of my lungs. the worse is when i'm trying to get dressed for the weekend, once again, i say screw it, cause at night i need my music while i'm getting dressed or i wont be pumped up to go out. anyways, i thought maybe she was depressed, but now i've come to the conclusion she's just lazy. hello, to my californian friend. i had to mention you, since you took the time to say hello to me in your last journal.  |
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Coldplay, The Scientist Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are I had to find you Tell you I need you Tell you I set you apart Tell me your secrets And ask me your questions Oh let's go back to the start Running in circles Coming in tales Heads are a science apart Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard Oh take me back to the start I was just guessing At numbers and figures Pulling your puzzles apart Questions of science Science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart Tell me you love me Come back and HAUNT me Oh and I rush to the start Running in circles Chasing tails COMING back as we are Nobody said it was easy Oh it's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard I'm going back to the start *I want someone to love me like this. my favorite part of the song, Tell you I set you apart.* |
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Blurty for you will not reach me.
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anxious.
sad.
devious.
accomplished.
excited.
calm.
okay.
giddy.
contemplative.