loveleavessoftly's Journal
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Tuesday, April 13, 2004
9:45PM
It wasn't her black lipstick or the hint of fearlessness in her eyes that drew me to her. It wasn't the faintly fragrant tendrils of her long dark hair, like breathing in stars, either. It wasn't the nape of her pale neck or her hipbones slightly protruding above her low-cut pants and belt. It wasn't her dark-blue hypnotic eyes or the sexy way she slyly smirked before she laughed either. But I was drawn and now I'm the most peculiar piece of art in my bedroom.
Last night I let her sleep here, breaking one of my own rules. Her breathing should have been a soft lullaby, slowly caressing me into the Dreaming; instead it kept me up and I woke up restless. Two messages from her this afternoon. I don't plan on returning either of them. I know that feeling warm skin on mine should be a comforting feeling, but I can't stand the way she puts her arm around me from behind. I get that suffocated feeling under my skin and I feel trapped.
Nights like this I feel like I'm softly enclosed in water, when I've quietly surrounded myself with this solitary silence, with this sole comfort, this muffled existence. I seem surreal even to myself and there is a coldness seeping in through the old wood frame of the window; I feel it penetrating my soul.
Current mood: 
melancholy
Friday, December 19, 2003
9:19PM
"I had nightmares now even more vivid than before. My sporadic journal of those years is full of them. The recurring image is one I'd seen in a documentary of the Holocaust. There are fifty or sixty chalk-white and emaciated bodies. Their clothes have been stripped from them. The clip shows a bulldozer rolling them into a deep, open grave, the bodies plunging as a tangled whole. Faces, mouths, skulls with eyes set deep, the minds inside gone to unimaginable lengths in order to have survived. Then this. Darkness, death, filth, and the idea that one person could be struggling, trying to stay alive in there."
~*Lucky*~
Alice Sebold
Current mood: 
blank
Current music: To Myself I Turned*Lacuna Coil
Thursday, December 18, 2003
1:31AM - So Sorry
I try to kill myself from the outside in. It doesn't work that way. I remember the last beat my heart felt, as your silhouette got farther and farther away. Silent as paper-cuts, my heart broke.
I pull the cold blade across my arm and feel the sudden rush of warm blood replace it. This is for you. this is because you walked away without looking back. This is because since then its hard to feel anything except this. This is so I know I'm still alive.
When you feel as cold as snow, you'll do just about anything to feel heat again. His nails dug into the skin of my back, causing small rips in the flesh there as I felt him move through me. His dick penetrated me like a cold winter wind can get under your skin, his tongue suffocated me and when he bit me, I came hard. Not a bad fuck, but my black nail polish is chipped. He reached for me across the lonely black bed and said my pale skin made him want to fuck me again. I laughed, put on my clothes and went home. When I showered, I couldn't get the water hot enough. I worried his cum was still in me, so I masterbated to push his out.
Two messages on the machine. Sage and Troy. Last Friday and Sunday nights. Sorry I'm not here to answer your call, but your night has passed. Don't bother leaving a number because your number was up and I can't use you anymore.
Current mood: 
cold
Current music: Deconstruct Rebuild*Small Brown Bike