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[18 Mar 2003|03:29pm] |
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my mother found out that i was cutting. took me to the hospital and that i had seven doctor froyds analyzing me. i have been diagnosied as bipolar and that i am currently taking zyprexa and it makes me all happy and shit and how i wish i could be all weepy. i don't feel like myself anymore, i feel plastic. i feel like i am no longer poetic artistic and real i sometimes miss it but rarely. email me at my email address seprately from blurty of else my mom will read it. put something about school in the subject title.
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| my last words ...... |
[22 Feb 2003|05:26pm] |
life and death energy and peace if i stopped today it was still worth it even the terrible mistakes that i have made and would have unmade if i could, the pains that have burnned me and scarred my soul, it was still worth it for having been allowed to walk where i have walked which was to hell on earth heaven on earth into under far inbetween through it in it and above
gia marie caragi 1960-1986
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| help me i need advice |
[22 Feb 2003|05:22pm] |
okay so theres this girl ive known since we were kids and i really like her and shes bi and i think that shes the most beautiful girl that ive ever seen. i told her and she said we'll see what happens and that know isn't the right time
what should i do
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| my life |
[22 Feb 2003|02:59pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
] |
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music |
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drowning pool tearing away |
] |
i really feel like im under this huge ass rock and if i move anyway its gonna crash down and kill me. i just want to scream and make some one here me i just wish my life could bve sweet just once you know just one time where someone isn't dying wheree im not getting beat up and where my mother isn't dissapointed.
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| i am a liar |
[22 Feb 2003|02:35pm] |
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mood |
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empty |
] |
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music |
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the red by chevell |
] |
i always talk like im big shit but really im a nothing. i have always been a nothing. ever since i was a kid. people used to chase me home and in middle school i was always getting picked on of course i talked shit but i was just so little and unimportant and then one day i snapped and got 43 days out of school. and life went down from there i just hope that when i die people remember me. i don't want to be hated anymore.i just want to be loved. why do i end up alone
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| in the morning |
[22 Feb 2003|01:22pm] |
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music |
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droening pool |
] |
i open my eys and everything dies,
im still alone now,
without the girl,
i haven't found,
my heart,
still empty,
cutting just makes me ugly,
will she care,
does megan know,
how much love i have to show,
i am a girl,
she is a woman,
i feel her skin when shes not around,
i miss her,
please rest my love,
close your eyes,
i will find you agian someday,
but until then i cut to fall away,
i see the blood and think of you,
and wish that you could still bleed to,
i loved you
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| gy bashed agian |
[21 Feb 2003|08:38pm] |
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some stupid bitches beat me up in the locker room today cause im gay. stupid bitches did it when i wasn't looking cause i would of kicked their asses. i miss kyrstal even though shes straight now. thats bullshit
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| my first time |
[21 Feb 2003|08:34pm] |
the blood on my arm
warm to the touch
the blade i never felt
i cut to remember
i cut to forget
all the shit you put me through
hold your breathe this is it
the water is coming
can u swim
i never learned but ill steal your floatie and watch your drown
you preppy bitch
u think your hot shit
you think ur fucked up
the things in my head would make you scared to be in the dark
i trusted you
and you broke my heart
i give
you take
ur so fuckin fake
go the fuck away
you make me wanna die
close my eyes and fall away
im lying on the stairs
no one cares i am alone
weakness surronds me i give in
i cut deep into my skin
i watch in horror as the blood flows dark
suddenly my heart beats faster
my legs shake
i scream
i cry
look what i have done
ive come undone
life is a bitch
no one likes me around
if i kill myself itll bring everything down
but i won't be here to see it
so ill cut over and over
let people see it
let them freak
then im not invisible anymore
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| first time |
[21 Feb 2003|08:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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empty |
] |
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music |
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drowning pool tearing away |
] |
the blood on my arm
warm to the touch
the blade i never felt
i cut to remember
i cut to forget
all the shit you put me through
hold your breathe this is it
the water is coming
can u swim
i never learned but ill steal your floatie and watch your drown
you preppy bitch
u think your hot shit
you think ur fucked up
the things in my head would make you scared to be in the dark
i trusted you
and you broke my heart
i give
you take
ur so fuckin fake
go the fuck away
you make me wanna die
close my eyes and fall away
im lying on the stairs
no one cares i am alone
weakness surronds me i give in
i cut deep into my skin
i watch in horror as the blood flows dark
suddenly my heart beats faster
my legs shake
i scream
i cry
look what i have done
ive come undone
life is a bitch
no one likes me around
if i kill myself itll bring everything down
but i won't be here to see it
so ill cut over and over
let people see it
let them freak
then im not invisible anymore
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| someone tell me |
[21 Feb 2003|05:27pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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led zepplin dazed and confused |
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why doesn't she love me i love her shes bi im bi and she doesn't love me i need a girlfriend i need someone to be my world
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| p.s |
[21 Feb 2003|05:24pm] |
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i am sorry i took your picture ability to drown its just perfect maybe someone can tell me where i can get some cool pictures
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| i did it agian |
[21 Feb 2003|03:21pm] |
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i came home today and cut agian. its like an addiction and i feel alive like i was before my life got fucked up. i thought about killing myself today but thee only reason i would do it would be too make all these people upset. i hate the way they torture me. lindsay isn't talking to me and i don't know why. i hsven't seen jen since wedensday i hope shes okay.
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| from my old journal |
[21 Feb 2003|03:19pm] |
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3:17 pm - stuff from my old journal
7:09 pm - more wisdom form gia
... and i would tell them that you don't have to be anybody because i would know that being somebody doesn't make you anybody anyway.
once upon a time there was a very pretty girl wha went to live in a beautiful house, and the village put the house on the planet mars and they said come..live here forever, but the young girl said oh but mars is a place where life is different say clean and pretty but how do you get there where do u find the taxi which bus do you take right and how do you know your there when your there?
(comment on this)
7:01 pm - worth reading
life and death energy and peace if i stopped today it was still worth it even the terrible mistakes that i have made and would have unmade if i could, the pains that have burnned me and scarred my soul, it was still worht it for having been allowed to walk where i have walked which was to hell on ear th heaven on earth into under far inbetween through it init and above
gia marie caragi 1960-1986
(comment on this)
6:59 pm - dear book
dear book this is another day in the life. life is like a book, a book is like a box. a box has ....6 sides. inside and outside, so how do you get in how do you get whats inside out?
(comment on this)
6:58 pm - oh i case u were wondering
that poem is a month old
(comment on this)
6:48 pm - alone ( for mike )
dear you,
go away,
leave me here to cry,
you act so goddamn happy inside,
fuck you,
i hate the way you act,
like we didn't date for 6 monthes,
like you never said you loved me,
walkin right past me like i don't exsist,
but if u ask me i will still give you a kiss,
NO!
i can't,
i won't,
i refuse,
why do i continue to be used,
you wouldn't use me would you,
of course not,
you love me you said so,
oh wait im alone i hate you,
just in case anyone asks
current mood: crushed
current music: billie holiday
(comment on this)
6:25 pm - not ready
Hello to all. I just got finished iming David and boy do I feel confused. See I told him that my breakup with mike is still affecting me today and that that break up was my first true relationship. Plus on top of that finding out that im bipolar doesn’t help anything one bit. Seeing as how bipolar’s are known for rocky relationships I just figured that I should get myself right before I attempt the drama that comes with relationships. I mean does that sound reasonable to anyone? He says that he’ll be therefore me but lets face it this is high school break ups are inevitable.
On a lighter note the world sucks. This whole thing with kyrstal is just bringing me nothing but anger. It seems every time I make things right again some fucker has to go start another rumor and screw up everything. Damnit. I am really feeling down today I think im going into a down cycle. Dammit. More later.
current mood: depressed
current music: billy idol's dancing w/ myself over & over
current mood: depressed
current music: lucy in the sky wiht diamonds, by sgt peppers
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