| Last Night |
[10 Mar 2004|01:23am] |
My roommate scouts abandoned buildings and photographs them as part of his art. He found an old abandoned house that looked perfect for exploration. I went with him just in case there was squatters. Large spaces are fun to explore and the grossest thing you find is a pool of urine, or what we call a "love room" where crack heads have been fucking.
From the outside the basement appeared to be flooded. I'd never explored a house before. I don't think I want to ever again. The first thing we had to do was test the floor. The house was like a giant rotting sponge. After making sure it would hold us up we slowly moved from room to room. Each room was completely different from the other.
The first room had books, tapes, and pictures all over the floor. Personal items from the last permanent owner. The ceiling was in taters, the stove was rotted out, a fridge laid in the corner, and all sorts of bad smelling things lingered in the air. The papers in the room were dated from 5 years ago. It was very sad to see this persons life spread all over a rotting floor.
The next room was filled with glass shards. When our flashlights shinned in the glass reflected onto the celling. While we did extended exposures of a wall (that had a sock nailed into it for no reason) the room was lit up by the glow of distant cars. That was the last "normal" room.
The next room was nasty. It was filled with rat feces and some cloths left by a junkie. There were a couple of beer bottles on the ground, empty packs of smokes, used condoms, and a cardboard mat that was used as a bed.
The hallway leading to the next bedroom was filled with cobwebs. Straight up Indiana Jones 3 style. And guess whose job it was to get through them? It wasn't scary at all, I don't mind spiders, until... I've always thought spiders, their webs, and nests were quite beautiful. Both in nature, and in a well lit, or spacious buildings. I have now learned that spiders are not always so becoming. My cohort whispered, "That's a big ass spider." I slowly looked up saw a nice 2 inch spider about 1 inch from my face. I moved to get our of it's way, and when I did the ceiling was illuminated. A ceiling full of what first looked like 5 inch wide white bone spiders from space. I almost shit my pants.
After dealing with the jolt of adrenaline pumping through my veins I slowly examined the disheveled looking things. Turns out they were spider eggs. I could of found a body in that place and it wouldn't of scared me, but at this point I started to get really un-easy. I really didn't want to be in this shithole anymore.
We had no idea what we were breathing in; Mold, asbestos, paint, rat poop, germs of all types.
The adjoining room was missing most of the floor and had some children's shoes sit it. That was creepy. The bathroom was full of leaves and rust. There was a closet filled with foam mats.
We had spent about 2 hours in the house thus far. Shooting extended exposures, and flashlight lit exposures of everything. We figured we would come back later to do more, but we had to try and check out the basement.
The stairs into the basement were decrepit. It was very difficult to get down them. When I did I got my next big scare of the night. The basement served as a home to several underground bugs. I shinned my light up and realized I was surrounded by what I called as a child "Rollie Pollies." Again, I almost shit my pants. Then I laughed, because I used to love plying with those things as a kid, but when you're in a creepy rotting house in the middle of the night, they arn't so fun. It turned out the basement wasn't flooded, but everything was coated in water from the rain. We explored the two basement rooms.
The second room was completely clean and empty. My roommate cruised to the back and started shooting the space. I moved to join him but stopped when my light lit up a spider web the size of a net. It was about 6 feet across and 5 feet hi. My friend just barely missed it when he walked by.
The first room was the worst. Under the floor of the hallway there were more spider nests. We deiced to scurry by them quickly. They freaked us out to much to look at. In the end of the room was a large piece of cardboard. Several jars of vasoline were scattered about. And used condoms everywhere. It was hard not to puke. The cardboard was covered in a strange mold and above it was a concrete shelf. There was a square hole cut into the block of concrete about a foot wide and sick inches deep. It was filled with bright red water and a broken Christmas ornament. It was very strange.
When we got home we changed before going into the apartment. Then had to Lysol everything. Take a shower before touching anything. I still feel like dirt.
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| On Schmech's Owrk |
[16 Feb 2004|06:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Charlie Parker - Donna Lee |
] |
Your art is no lcloud
and no rain,
real dirt and true hurt
as we always see.
A life lived pretended
with rare exceptions
tranfur never give to us
viewers of the school bus.
Nothing comes trite,
living life with-out artistic wife.
Bring on the sequal to see stand.
Leave behind a bloody kite.
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| Blind |
[15 Feb 2004|06:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Killing Joke - You'll Never Get To Me |
] |
My rage pierces everything that surrounds you.
You afraid of not understanding. You never use that as a motivate. You sit down. Lie
back.
Get up an face me. Take off your mask. Don't bullshit the truth. It sees right trough you.
Ignorant.
Rage.
Anticipation.
Nothing will ever be town down. Piles of lie stacked on each other. Eating your face.
Building your mask.
I am real.
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| Ihre soundwaves brechen. |
[06 Feb 2004|04:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Gary Numan - Absolute |
] |
Ich bin das Licht im Abfall.
Ich bin der Himmel über dem Abfall.
Ich bin die Welt des Nr.glaubens.
Ich speichere Sie.
Mein stong Radio tötet Sie.
Ihre soundwaves brechen.
Meine freie Liebe ist tot.
Ihr Leben ist ein Ende.
Holen Sie mich zu rasen.
Holen Sie mich zum Leben.
Mein invatation ist brutal.
Ihre Antwort ist nicht mehr.
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| dark and warm |
[15 Jan 2004|01:18am] |
I'm swiming in a pool of rain again.
If feels good this time.
The pain is still here, it will never subside, but right now I feel a little less, care a little less, and am a little less.
Last night was like so many before, but will never be again.
Make the evil leave my body. Stop the taint of my mind and the posion of my thoughts.
Time to be a pirate again.
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| My Liver hurts.... |
[08 Jan 2004|01:34pm] |
My Liver hurts...
For me things start to look up around Halloween. It's an excuse to dress up like an idiot and drink a lot. I can whip out the really old Goth CDs and get less complaints from party guests.
Thanksgiving always kicks ass. I'm usually depressed 'cause 'da fam' an't around, and this year I was alone in Canada where Thanksgiving doesn't exist. I just use the holiday as an excuse to stuff myself full of bird at the buffet the opens the earliest. I've got great memories of buffet turkey days with my old buddy Sam, and family events with my old roommate Cory.
Christmas is 'da shit. I love the smell of cloves, pumpkin pie, and goose cooking in the oven. The best part about Christmas is giving presents. I fucking love it. This year of course, was much more magical. Germans make a big deal out of celebrations. Elaborate Christmas markets and trinkets, lots of warm wine to drink, good beer, and good old fashioned pork fat to gobble up.
I got to do everything on my list. Eat a doughnut in Berlin, spend to much time in the Bauhaus and Bach museum, check out check point Charlie, and peer into the ditches that were used as mass graves in WWII. I drank absinthe and watched the snowfall. Meet many new friends and was excepted into a new culture.
The Holidays lead to the ultimate climax. New Years. One massive excuse to get drunk and act like an idiot. Time to pretend that you're going to be a better person through the next year. Time to make a lot of noise and join in song with your friends. The next day is when everything becomes a hard reality. The Holidays are over and the massive hangover sets in. You realize how fat you are, how stupid you were. That Santa, Jesus, and human good will is just a big fucking lie. Everything sucks again and there is nothing to look forward to. Valentine's Day, Easter, and Groundhog's day never had much appeal to me.
I had a damn good holiday season. The best in my life. I was blessed with the chance to travel all over Germany, and visit my friends back in Boise. Will, Steve, and Nick were kind enough to let me stay their house. I missed my plane out of Boise on the first try, but it turned out to be a good thing. I got to go out to The Balcony for their weekly Goth night and I had a REALLY good time.
Now, it's back to the grindstone...
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| The Days go by like flies dead dry lie. |
[16 Dec 2003|03:44am] |
I'm an American who lives in Canada. My parents live in Germany and have duel citizenship, and have lived that way for five years. Same with my brother who lives in Brussels. I have traveled and studied all over the world. I have family all over the world. I got to tell all of you, that you're flat out wrong.
All of our governments are basically the same. With the same goals and intentions.
America is not the evil bad-body of the world. Europe is not a bunch of sniffling little bitches. America is a big target with wealth. America is some one who is easy to blame.
America is fucked up. Fucked up government. Fucked up laws, stupid people. But you know what? So is every other country in the world. Every neighborhood has a wife beater, an idiot, a genius, and an artist. You can't go blaming other countries and cultures with-out understanding them. You can't label 300 million people to all be the same.
You say Americans don't care? You DON'T FUCKING CARE. When was the last time YOU did something for someone else in another country. When was the last time YOU helped someone else? When was the last time YOU flew half way around the world to help promote peace and stability?
Look, Bush is a fucking idiot. A lot of American politicians and war leaders are. But America is not here to fuck everything up as a lusting war hungry money making machine. America is here to help. Yes, we have our faults, and we have our evil people, but we don't murder 300,000 of our own because we think its funny. We don't torture and rape (on an active basis.)
Saddam Hessian was not a stupid man like Bush. He was an EVIL man. Now, I don't believe this because of the axis of evil crap, I believe it because of the fact that he SLAUGHTERED his own people and MADE them vote for him.
All of us need to think about something. We ALL can say whatever we want. We can do almost whatever we want. We can travel freely, work freely, drink freely, fuck freely, buy freely, fight our own causes, make our own businesses, worship our own gods, and live our own lives.
We are all privileged spoiled brats. We all are feed entertainment whenever we want. We can wear whatever we want. None of us have to go weeks with-out food, a bathroom, or clean water.
Fuck, don't tell me Americans don't care. FUCK YOU. My parents donate over ten percent of their income to German charities, my friends fight and die to bring food and water to people that NEED it, I work to promote by personal example to be a decent, giving, working, caring human being. I've spent months in 3rd world countries handing out flower. I've worked in my own community in old folks homes. Last night I gave my sleeping bag to a guy on the street downstairs who was freezing to death.
I'm not saying we're saints, I'm saying we are just like you. We're fucking human, so stop labeling us as greedy war mongers. I've meet plenty of greedy stupid assholes all over the world.
We are fat though... Stupid fat Americans...
And all this shit I keep hearing about finding Saddam being a conspiracy. That it was planned for to help with a re-election. That's fucking wrong. Bush was going to get re-elected anyway. If they new where he was earlier they would of told us because it would make the American government look more efficient.
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| update 0011 1010 1100 0101 |
[24 Nov 2003|01:06pm] |
11-23: Saw SVD again. They still bug me. Nice guys, but I think the vocals really suck.
"Alright let's go, let's go right now. Alright Alright. Let's Go let's Go. Let's Go right now. Alright let's go. Let's go right now."
Or the amazing "Love. Hate. Sex. Love Hate Sex. Sex Hate. Love Sex. Sex Love. Love Sex."
In that same Peter Murphy meets Apop voice that never changes pitch. Over and Over and Over and Over.
Drums are okay. I really like the synth work and guitars, but the lyrics and vox lack any emotion at all, but try to. They got a new music video, too. That was hip.
11-22: I had the worst fucking hangover this morining. The last time I felt pain in my head that bad was when I slipped in my own vomit and cracked it open. I'm not sure, but I think I meet some of SYL last night. All I remember is going to the Cobalt, seeing metal bands, helping them with their gear, and meeting a shitload of people. This dude kept on telling me, "Dude, you don't know who you just meet, he is in SYL. Dude, you don't know who you were just talking to, he was in Killing Joke. Dude, you don't know who just bought you a drink, he was in White Zombie."
11-21: Book shopping. I still havn't got my insurance money from the gear that was stolen. So in my down time I've been doing a lot of reading. I finished Wyrm and The Scar. So, I went to a used book store and now I'm reading Neil Stephenson's Quicksilver, Neil Gaimen's American Gods, and Cath 22. They're all great books. Quicksilver is long as fuck.
Top 5 Discs of the Month
Lucia - Land Of Volcanos
Killing Joke - Killing Joke
Front Line Assembly - Maniacal Single
Kill Bill Soundtrack
Mudy Waters - Live @ The Newport 1960
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| grrr... |
[06 Nov 2003|08:44pm] |
My car got broken into. About an hour before I found a place to stash my gear.
Lost my XP-30, my acoustic, my mixer, my reverb effects processor, my random effects processor, all guitar strings, pics, two mics, half my cables, pack of condoms, KMFDM back stage stuff, headphones, and bass amp...
I wanna get pissed, but you just gotta role with it.
I hope the fucking crack head that stole it ODs tonight.
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| Vancouver |
[05 Nov 2003|05:21pm] |
You guys got to come up here. It's like a Rivet Head's play ground.
OCT 27th -Got to hang out with Chris P. from FLA, the guy that ran sound for the Hanzel Und Gretel Show (wasn't he in Ministry?) The St. Vitus Dance guys, and the UE guys.
Nothing like hearing this over the club speakers your first night in town : And Chris wins the new Suicide Comando CD, believe it or not this guy was at our show in Boise.
Eugene, OR is a rad town. There is a great bar there called Diablo's that is HUGE and really really clean. I fell in love with the bartender there and spent 12 very short hours with her tearing the town apart. If you're ever there, I strongly suggest going to that bar and have Heidi make you a Martini. Sucks to meet the love of your life and leave the next day, bu hey, THATS THE WAY OF THE ROAD!
Seattle was alright. I went to the Vouge, and let me tell 'ya. Industria has got that place beat, hands down. There was an 8 dollar cover. The bar sucks, but the drinks are good. The people are nice, but stupid, and really ugly. Now, I'm a scary looking piece of human flesh, but these people were from another planet or something. The place was packed, but people didn't dance, the just kind of stared at the walls and ran into them.
Well, I'm off to find a place to stay. I've been sleeping in my truck the past two nights. In this town that's not a good thing. In the Gas Town area, where I'll be staying, There is the most drug use per capita in the world. Most of the places in that area are drug safe houses funded buy the state. It's insane. The streets are packed with them. It feels like you're on a different planet. You don't have to worry about getting shot though, 'cause after all this is Canada. But, like a social worker that I meet said, "You're three times as likely to get a rusty screwdriver shoved in your back." Or, "People here do the same fucked up shit they do everywhere else, they jsut do it with a smile on their face."
Oh, and I have another reason to ahte the main streem film industry.
They are shooting Catwoman, and some other big flick in town, and those fucking stars take up ALL THE DAMN PARKING SPACES!!!
OCT 29th -
I'm sittin' inside some cushy fluffy cyber cafe. I finally found a place to stay, so hopefully last night was the last time I sleep in my truck for a while. This cafe is great. Lot's of computer junk and lots of places to read your book. The coffee an't too shabby either.
Tomorrow night is Devil's night at the PO, apperently this is the club's biggest night of the year.
I meet at least one muscian every day I'm here. I met a funk guy the other day who is rad as hell and wants to hook up some jams. I told him his funk project needed some fatty elecro bass lines. He liked the term so much that he gave me a shout out on his radio show this moring. Damn, this town is cool.
Sleeping in Suburbia sucks because people freak out when you fall out of your truck at 6 in the morning, hung over ass hell.
Sleeping in the city sucks becasue you have to fend off a crack head every 5 mins. The biggest threat around here is getting poked buy a neddle, or if you're walking around with a fresh tattoo, making sure not to get the blood in the bathroom stall on it.
It sounds crazy, but it's like that in some places.
There are pockets of clean areas in the Gastown area, at night. Where all the social workers hang out to drink, and that's really cool. I've heard some of the most fucked up things about crazy strung out people, and I've gotten some good advise on how to get about town.
Well, I'll keep you guys posted.
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| SV show info |
[11 Oct 2003|12:54pm] |
Stiff Valentine will be opening up for Terrorfakt and E-craft on Tuesday, Oct. 21. 10:00 P.M. @ The Balcony. Terrorfakt is an industrial noise band from NY and E-craft is an industrial synth band from Germany. This will also be the last night before LoudChris and his Stiff Valentine project re-locate to Vancouver, B.C.
You can view the show flyers here: http://www.geocities.com/theblindonline/page1.html
Liten to it here: http://www.mp3.com/StiffValentine
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| E-Craft and Terrorfakt |
[03 Oct 2003|01:43am] |
Stiff Valentine is confirmed to open up for E-Craft and Terrorfakt.
WOOT! WOOT!
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| again |
[28 Sep 2003|01:25am] |
Alone. Always alone. No one to love. No one to care for.
I am always by myslef. The love always comes and goes. I hate the lack of bondage.
I can see you. Now, with-out me, but still with some one. I'm so glad you could find some one to be with.
Unlike me. Doomed to be alone.
To fight along this road. To make a life out of nothing. To bring pain to the people. Who am I with-out you? I am nothing. Always was and will always be, so very nothing. I want to build a fire. Want to watch the whole thing burn. I want to wake up nexst to you. I want to fight for you, but you see me ass a lie. You see me as some kind of long life joke. I need you, and with-out you, once again, I am dying.
I'll never see you again, but every night you haunt my dreams. If only I could see you. One last time. See you as you used to be. If only we could talk. Talk all night long. Sleep all day. If only we could be a dream.
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| i miss it |
[25 Sep 2003|01:43am] |
A good friend of mine died on Sunday night, this message is to him.
I miss it.
We drank for so long.
And now it's gone.
I'll never be your pool boy.
Never have the chance to drink with you agian.
Hey, Matt, I miss you. I will always miss you. Sleep well my freind, RIP. You made my life better. I was always down, but never when you were around. Matt, we all miss you. We all know you on different levels. All of us from different worlds.
Matt, I know you can't hear me, because you are dead, but Matt, I want you to know. We all still care. We all still miss your smile. We all still miss your laugh. We all still miss your fight. Your strength. Your lack of complaint. I'll never forget how great you were.
This world is full of shit, but when you were around you made it feel like paridise. You were so sick, your bones were full of pain, but still, you always made me smile, you always made me feel alive.
Matt, dear Matt, you'll always be alive in my memory.
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| this the language of reality |
[21 Sep 2003|10:05pm] |
I see you. You didn't see me. I fucking like it that way.
Get it off my back. If you ride the bus you might not be a people person.
Get it off my mind. If you eat it it you'll fucking become it.
You are what you do. You are what you choose. That means us filth are better. We lifted up the wall infront of our eyes and saw the real world. The murder, the snuff, and rotting smell of torn flesh.
I see all the negative with the postitive, don't give me shit. You're on LSD, or Prozac, or whatever legal drug you can suck up to keep you hi.
My life is falling apart. Day to day walking the streets and pounding the keys. Fighting like crazy. Why? It's what I was made to do. It's the only thing I have left. Some one's got to do it. Some one's got to beat the crap out of that asshole that you don't like. Some one has to yell back.
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| stuck |
[18 Sep 2003|05:16pm] |
In this world of ugly slick hate. Of cold blue pockets. A world made of dark infested maroon boils. Nothing to look at that doesn't burn your eyes out. Make your brain freeze with anger and your body stop it's job. Pretending inside this room nor longer helps. Everything is sick of me, and I'm sick of it.
Broken souls lay off my path. The path is brave and I am beaten. Everything has slipped away.
I've got a fist left. All I can can give is a last punch, but it isn't gonna make it. I'll just toss it in the air. Thrust it into the dispaired sky. Hold it hi. Thiking aobut everything. I've failed. This world is my own doing.
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| JC |
[11 Sep 2003|06:18pm] |
I'm still kind of numb. Trying to write a song to work through what Johnny Cash ment to me.
The Man in Black. Gone. I new it was coming. The album before last he wrote that he'd try to get another one out, before he was done. After his wife died, it wasn't a matter of if, just when.
Johhny Cash. Fightin' music, drinkin' music, but most importantly good music. I would never own a guitar if it wasn't for Johnny Cash. I would be less of an artist if it wasn't for him showing how you can't label music. It's just good, or bad, and he was fucking great.
Today we lost one of the greatest muscians to ever live. When you listen to the songs he wrote, or if you play 'em. You can feel how real the guy was. He'd killed. He'd cried. He actually lived the things he sang.
I'll miss wondering what record he's coming out with next. I'll miss talking about him as a legend, and not a dead memory. I'm gonna miss Johnny Cash.
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| You are not my friend. |
[08 Sep 2003|10:36am] |
Am I alive, dead, or a little bit of both.
Am I the lead singer, composer, the keyboard bass player, or a little bit of both?
Am I loud, silent, or a little bit of both?
Am I God, human, machine, deamon, finction, truth, or a little bith of both?
I am only black and white. Never gray.
My vision is not limited to monochrome. I see the bright colors of betryal and lies.
My world is negative. I wake up in the morning and say, "I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want." I make choices, and live up to them.
Who am I?
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| Delerium - Seattle |
[07 Sep 2003|10:17pm] |
Got back from the Delerium show in Seattle.
It was the best night of my life.
I got Bill to sign a ticket to all of us mindphasers. Bill is not an ass. He's a very humble and kind person who was happy to hang out with the fans for the after party.
Rhys was on stage for a long time. Poor guy. The crowd was about 700. The best crowd I've seen my entire life.
The sound was flawless and the band so muscialy tight that I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The mikes did peak at one point, and there was feedback for two seconds, but overall it sounded fucking awsome.
Seattle traffic sucks.
Wow, that guitar and bassist, yep. I do believe they're the best I've seen in a long time.
The bassit was really friendly, and owned one of the nicest basses I've ever seen. Bill performs very well. Standing at his keyboards, rockin' out, and letting all the pretty girls take front stage.
Holy shit, the show was awsome. I havn't slept for over 3 days now. So, I'm gonna sleep.
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| Karen's Pie? *This is a joke* |
[02 Sep 2003|02:10am] |
Karen's Pie.
Acoustic.
Like. Karen's Pie. I like.
Karen's Pie. It's so sweet. Karen's Pie.
It's so sweet. I love her pie. It's Karen's Pie.
It's so sweet. I like. He likes.
Who likes Karen's Pie? I like Karen's Pie.
I swear I'm not drunk. It tastes like pie.
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