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i miss you

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new community [08 Aug 2003|05:48pm]

join my new community retiredravers.
it's for those of you out there that used to be party kids/ ravers, and want to talk about what your life was like back then.

(2 hugs | help)

[25 Jun 2003|12:18am]

This is something a little bit different. A twist , if you will.

Proceed... )

(3 hugs | help)

[13 Jun 2003|02:24am]

Warning: Excessive Anger and Some Profanity , Skip Over If Either Offends You , This is Update Part 2 )

(8 hugs | help)

[12 Jun 2003|09:23pm]

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of its pupils." I stared at this quote, drawing my knees to my chest as a flood of memories nearly drowned me in sorrow. Silently, I closed the book that the quote was in, and a series of questions began to fill my sub-concious. I had a best friend. Notice the past tense. He was everything; my friend, my best friend, my soul mate, my first love, everything. Time couldn't teach him everything because time killed him.
His name was Brandon. When I was two years old, one of my grandmother's friends threw a birthday party. Brandon's family was invited. I was introduced to him, and both of our parents managed to get us to kiss somehow. I even have the picture to prove it.
Brandon and I met again in Brantford, my hometown, at tennis camp. I was about six years old. We didn't get along at first, simply because of our contrasting personalities. I was the outgoing, outspken, athletic one; while he was the self-involved, shy one. Nonetheless, my boldness got to the best of me and I simply walked to him, glasses and all, and said "you're cute, you want to be my tennis partner?" This is where the legend began. We spent the whole summer together in his pool house, swimming and making masterful Lego building of castles. He was my true Prince Charming. We both had our love for reading and would sometimes just spend the day reading till sundown and fall asleep in each other's arms.
When school began, and disintegrated the magic of summer, Brandon discovered girls had cooties and refused to associate his cleanliness with my filth. However, two years later my mother became frustrated with my boredom and made me call him. That was the summer we becamse best friends. It was a summer full of magic, and mosquito bites. Lots of 'em, too. We learned how to play baseball, and discovered a new hideout to practice this new-found talent down at the school. We spent days in that hideout playing the weird things kids did. We grew up together. I met his friends, and they became my friends. It was like we were half of the same person. Then came one of the most important moments of my life. It was extremely touching to me as an eleven year old. It was nightime, and we were wrapped under a blanket of stars. We were at our hangout, on top of the slides, sitting side by side. After five minutes of breathing in the cool night, he took my hand. For five more minutes, I had the most ridiculous grin on my face. He made me so happy. Finally he turned to me, and our eyes met. It felt like fire. He simply said, "Kira, I love you" Without hesistation I told him I loved him right back. We both smiled and laughed nervously. But it felt so right. Brandon was always, always there for me. His shoulder was always there for me to cry on, and his ears were always ready to listen to my long traumas of teenagehood. He was an amazing friend.
When I turned 12, and his hormones were raging, we had our first kiss. Short and sweet. That's all I remember. He was my first kiss, and my first true love. We shared so many inside jokes; it would take a whole book to fill up.
In the beginning of ninth grade, it was discovered he had cancer. I never wanted to know what kind, because it didn't matter. All I knew was my best friend was dying. Iwent through grade nine, thinking about him every second of every day. He wouldn't let me visit him in the hospital. It was too painful for him to see me. I called every day, and he wrote me letters but that was it. He would talk occasionally to our mutual friend Darryn. Darryn would tell me his tumor was sucking the life out of him. Stuff he said didn't make sense. In the spring of 2001, march 31st, I got a phone call at 5 o'clock in the morning from his mother saying he had died. He died in his sleep. She told me, before his mind started to lose it that he would talk about me every day, and told her to tell he me he would always love me. His last words were "make sure you tell kira i love her"
Time didn't teach him everything. He won't know what being a teenager is all about, won't know the frustrations of high school, the excitement of university, won't ever know the euphoria of getting laid, won't be able to do all the things we have gotten to do. Time didn't allow him that. But time did allow him to be in my life, and time did allow me to experience what I didn't know was possible. Love. True love.

I love you too, Brandon.

(3 hugs | help)

[09 Jun 2003|12:09am]

an update )

(1 hug | help)

[07 Jun 2003|07:22pm]

[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | Danzig-and the angels weep ]

hihi, i'm new here. <3 the community. i came here because i could talk to someone or more than someone about this situation. i'll post my story later on. add me


(4 hugs | help)

lost and found [05 Jun 2003|03:28pm]

[ mood | hopeful ]

i thought i would do something different here today.

when i was 14 my parents finalized their divorce. that was fine, they weren't happy, but the thing is....my dad decided to start dating before my mom even moved out completely. a year later this woman moved into our house with her kids. yet one more year later they got married.

i had moved out once she and her family moved in. i felt like i had lost my family. i lost the house that i grew up in. i lost my dad. we had been so close. talked about everything and nothing at all, but for hours at a time. he was fun. my friends all loved him. then came this woman. this woman who made him chose her or us. he chose her. eventually he kicked my brother out. yeah he deserved it, he was stealing, but i'm sure he was doing it because he was angry. not only were there 3 new people in the house, when they first moved in, and i was still there, my brother had to share his room with a kid he met i think at the most 2 times.

well i lost my dad. he was never there for me. i wasn't allowed to come over without calling. what? i grew up in that house and now i had to call first? the woman even locked the screen doors because she knew i had a key to the front door. they had never locked the doors before. my house was always the house that could be robbed the easiest.

my dad was no longer "allowed" to give me money. the woman tried to get me kicked off the insurance because i was almost 18. come on now, i wasn't even out of high school and i was still 17 and she wanted me to pay for my doctor's visits. she was a CUNT BAG!! and yes i know that word is offensive, but it is her and i will not hold back. she tried to get him to stop paying for so called essentials and child support. these things were part of the divorce, how could she think that she would win.
anyway, i hated my dad. wished death on him....if he would have died, at least it wouldn't be by choice that he abandoned me.

eventually my dad got smart and realized that his kids were more important that some evil woman. she wasn't even a happy person with just him when she was getting her way. he started taking me out to dinner at least once a month...and a movie. it was nice to always have a time that i we got to talk. i started not to hate him, he started to make amends for what he had done. i guess she wasn't happy with this, so they started living in separate rooms. then a year later their divorce was final.

i moved back in to my house a month after she moved out. my mom was moving to alabama...and i am still in school, so i was "lucky" that they got divorced, or i would have had to move out on my own and i wouldn't be this far in school. i got my old house back. i got my dad back. things a better. i know he is trying hard to make up for things. i know that's why he wants me here, and wants to do things for me. that's why he doesn't want me to work while i'm in school. i am grateful to him, and i'm happy that everything worked out in the end.

(1 hug | help)

[03 Jun 2003|11:35pm]

[ music | WHen You're Gone - The Cranberries ]

I lost my best friend two weeks ago. We had a stupid fight and haven't spoken since.

I called him a week ago to talk , but he let his voicemail pick up. I left a nondescript message that basically left the ball in his court. He let it drop. I found out yesterday that the subject of our fight ( this awful person that tries to sabotage all of my relationships ) started on him. He thought that I was calling him to gloat. Part of me wants to call back , but my stubborn nature draws the line at a single unreturned call. I have other friends and my Eric , but none of them fill the empty hole he left . . when he left. We are so alike that I'm worried we won't be able to patch things up. It doesn't matter to me which of us was right in this fight. But it matters to him. He was wrong and he doesn't understand that I don't care. I was ready to accept all blame.

(2 hugs | help)

[03 Jun 2003|10:43pm]

[03 Jun 2003|10:38pm]
i know this is a community for writing about those who you've lost in many different ways. and you can lose anyone. but i'm going to make it a different twist.

you can even lose yourself.

i sure did,
so kira jade, where are you?

i lost myself in the summer of grade eight. i was a happy happy kid. i like to eat ice cream, and think about boys. then it happened:
"yo, kira, you're really packin' on the pounds"

i cried to my friends. and it soon became a group diet, an effort among friends to slim down together.

after dinner that night, i got the nerve to stick my finger up and churn out the contents of my stomach.

i began obsessing with other people thinking the same way this one person thought about me. i can't be fat, can't be fat, can't be fat.

the obsession carried on. i'd pin up pictures of models in magazines to my kitchen cupboards.

i quickly dwindled from 120 pounds at 5'1 to 94 pounds.

my boyfriend at the time could connect his thumb and index finger around both my wrists at the same time.

i cried when the doctor told me i've lost 20% of my heart and brain. your body will plunder anything for protein. this was perfectionism going too far.

i remember a letter i wrote to myself in grade 9. i found it yesterday, taped to an underside of my clothing drawer. it reads,
" i am a perfectionist. fundamentally, i just care very deeply, period. i am passionate, by nature. intense. experience has shown that when i'm set firmly in place on any certain path or direction, i am powerful. my perfectionism is a vice and a virtue, leading me to either death or glorious accomplishment."

i was always hungry and i only ate to ease the pangs. i didn't want to gain weight, but i wanted to gain weight.

slowly i was killing myself. the 94 dropped down to 89. at 5'1.

and in that same letter, it read,
"the act of eating food is very numbing. the act of throwing up is very nuumbing. you can't really know that until you experience it. you get into this stupor. when your body takes in food, particularly a large amount of food, your body's blood and energy focuses on the ardous task of digesting. the less blood flowing to the brain, the less conscious you are. kira, you're losing it all. i feel strung out. it's brain-chemically addicting. do not operate heavy machinery.
the challenge is never really surmounted. the scale can't get low enough. success equals zero weight and zero weight equals death. it's simple, really: if i consume nothing, i consume nothing harmful. if i do nothing, i do nothing wrong. if i communicate nothing, i say nothing wrong. if i exchange or connect with nobody, i wrong nobody. if someone doesn't consume, act, or speak, they are dead. therefore if i'm dead, i'm perfect..."

now, about three years later, i'm 5'3 and back to 125 pounds. yet, in all that starving, i lost myself. i lost the happiness.

and i miss myself, quite frankly.

looking back on my faults and misdeeds, i see they almost wholly fall into categories of omission: failing to complete something or show up somewhere, et cetera. looking back on times i've hurt others, it's always been caused by departure or absence. withdrawing from activity and communication lessens any chance of error or harm. instead of pursuing perfection through constructive means, i slowly implode into a black hole of avoidance and my creativity, vitality and my mental and physical health are sucked into that downward spiraling vortex. i became safe in my isolation, perfect in my forced and controlled lack of imperfection.

but in the end, i lost myself.

the general improvement and relaxation is all coming from basically just getting back in touch with myself, accepting things, not resisting or artificially forcing anything into place, purging the bullshit ideas i've been fed and the little network of 'shoulds' and 'supposed-tos' i had set up. my body and my mind and life and other people all seem to untangle and sort themselves out just beautifully without interference. and i'm starting to learn to listen to that intuition again and follow these things

and it's gonna take a while before i bring her back.

thank you, i needed to get that off my chest. i'll post about a "real" person i lost later.

i'm sorry amber if this wasn't the type of post you had in mind. great community, nonetheless

(2 hugs | help)

[03 Jun 2003|07:27pm]

[ mood | nostalgiac ]

this is a good idea for a community. i recently lost my grandmother, but that i will save for when i feel better about talking about it.

my best friend a. and i were really close. so close, her boyfriend was jealous of how close we were. she lived 3 hours away but we always managed to spend 3-4 days out of the week with each other, either here or up in sacramento or partying all weekend. we both got heavy into drugs, but were the only ones out of our entire group (including her boyfriend) that stuck together and bonded stronger through our tough times and whatnot. we've both cleaned up considering how bad it got for awhile... it was the two of us, there for each other through thick and thin, aching for each other's companionship when we'd have to return to our respective homes for work/etc. we did everything together, spent hours on the phone together. shared the types of secrets and morbid thoughts that aren't ever supposed to leave your lips, and were ok with it. and and she all of a sudden moved to florida.
that's quite far from california. )

(6 hugs | help)

[02 Jun 2003|01:00pm]

[ mood | sad ]

there have been many people that have come and gone through my life. there will always be ex boyfriends, and old friends that you lose touch with (on purpose or otherwise), but you get over it. you move on, new people fill you life, and you don't look back.
sometimes there is someone that touches you so much, and you lose them. you can't let it go and you can't move on. maybe they hurt you and now you can't trust (like in my case). maybe you want to talk to this person, either to get them back into you life, or to have some closure so that you may let things go.

that is what i need to do. i need to talk to my old best friend so that maybe i can have her back in my life, or at least to find out a little bit of what happened. maybe then i can have some girl friends. ever since this girl and i stopped talking, i haven't had a "best-friend". i haven't even tried to have one. i did have a friend that i thought was the same thing, but i was on lots of drugs and i think that when we finally sobered up we had nothing in common, so i gave up on her. she wanted to stay with her drugs, i wanted a real friends, we grew apart.

i have been wondering if my feelings of betrayal from my old best friend have made it impossible for me to trust a new girl friend. i just don't trust girls anymore, and i can't help but assume that it comes from the things that happened with her.

i hope i can talk to her soon and figure some things out. it won't happen fast, if at all. i won't bring it up right away. but if she is willing to talk to me more than once, then maybe we can both find out what happened, and if the choices we made were really for the best.


my lost friend (this is posted in other journals as well) [02 Jun 2003|12:55am]

[ mood | scared ]

my long lost story )


[02 Jun 2003|12:54am]

[ mood | chipper ]

this is my new community. i was writing before about looking up a long lost friend, so i decided to make a community about lost people. this is not really a place to pine over lost loves that you broke up with for real reasons, this is really a place to talk about the lose of someone that made no sense. maybe you moved, or just lost contact with someone. maybe someone even died and you are torn up about it. whatever it is, share all you like.

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