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Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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10:07 pm - the red ones make me fly and the blue ones help me fall. . .
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blahhh- such a wierd, up and down day. i should have had a great morning but somehow didnt. i had my usual leisure to wake up and get to school by approximately 8:13 (2nd period bell) but as usual, i was late and made my way to keyboarding where i did nothing other than update my lj and think about how badly i should be doing my homework i didnt do the night before.
then i went to go to the lockers and lynch was standing at the door and said gym was cancelled. so i went to the CAF with people (i would list them but i cant remeber who exactly)
so that was technically 2 free periods to relax and get ready for the rest of the day, but i didnt. by 6th period i had called my mom and she picked me up. she told me i looked stoned. i said thank you.
i slept from then till 3 when i was awoken to go to therapy- im supposed to like it- but she upset me about my future and stuff- whatever, i dont feel like talking about it. however she emphasized how much of a contradictory person i am. "a woman of conflict" were her words to be exact.
then work...blah di blah - suzanne called me a devil-worshipper based on my my chemical romance sweatshirt...that bothered me more than it should have.
just got off the phone with dave and he told me reads my journal more than anyones :D that made me so happy ::loser:: he also told me i inspired him to write a short story too and he named the main girl character jules, after me :D we also determined that after senior year or the summer of, were goign on a road trip through the US...sounds like a plan to me :P
hoping to do darkside/wizard of oz on friday...lets hope i dont get sucked into the school by the truszinator, i feel bad that i keep dissapointing people with plans, but i just have so much to do. ugh :-/
i got so pumped for the MCR show earlier! then i felt compelled to listen to them - so im sitting here loving every aspect of this amazing band and realizing how lucky i am to be seeing them, for a second time! theyre just so awsome...
ugh i just started feeling lonely for no reason at all. i want a boyfriend so bad :( not only am i undersexed, but i really like that kind of companionship and i want it again. i realized im also rather picky. i just want you (whoever you are)
i was walking outside to the car earlier and i noticed the snowflakes. one fell onto my glove and it was so beautiful. i felt so touched by this georgous snow flake. it was perfect, there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. its structure was so delicate and fine. all the flakes were falling like that, it was so beautiful, ive never seen them like that...it was so sweet.
time to go start my homework- bleh.....
later~
current mood:  blah
current music: my chemical romance - early sunsets over monroeville
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| Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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9:58 pm - cant help but notice you standing there, from afar. . .
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...just got off the phone with dave. our talks are so ADD and then im always left hyper and all all over the place :P blah-di-blah
supposed to be doing work now- yeahok. i swear, before i had this whole list of all these assignments i thought i had to do and now that i have to do them i cant remeber any of them...blast.
ok felt like updating prolly to spite my parents who now find it comical to disconnect the internet on me. they have a good chuckle over it...i dont find it very amusing. (chuckle...hehehe what a worddd)
i decided i wanna try and write a short story or something, i've felt so uncreative and uninspired lately that i want to refresh myslef. maybe ill start tonight.
reunion show/stars hide fire this weekend. dammit, i have to get someone to cover for me. im going to be so poor, i havent gone to work in 2 weeks and ive spent so much money on concert tickets and then i wanna buy stuff at these concerts....durnit (<--yet another special word, im just full of them today)
today didnt feel like a school day so now im thrown off for the rest of the week. yay and have yet to make up a palacio detention...i hate giving that woman any more of my time, if i honestly felt i deserved it or whatever...fuck it not gonna whine and complain about it because then im letting it get to me and wasting more time and energy on it.
chris was right, he said that all these online journals were was "so im depressed now and school sucked, infact i hate school, did i mention i was depressed? nope, still dont like school...etc"
hope i can hang out this weekend, if i can whats good DUDES?
ok time to peace out, but first i leave you with an emo lyric to emphasize and dramatize (<--word or no?) this entry even though it really doesnt relate:
i should have known we were doomed right from the start. im left with nothing but silence and my simple broken heart
later~
:P
current mood:  mischievous
current music: dead poetic - august winterman
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3:10 pm - and in the blur of the confusion, one thing was clear. . .
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firstly i would like to say ighfnhglsdngf;ladfhgaglknfg;lhfl;gkhnl;gh;dfhg,nfhgohn...
im so glad this first competition is over, yet i still have to redo everything. since your dying to know how it went, ill tell you:
we got there, i set up, i got judged once, i waited, i got judged again, i waited for what seemed like 3234876 hours and then got judged for my 3rd and final time, then we got on the bus, went to mcdonald's and came back to school the end.
nah for real though, i think i did ok, prolly not great just cuz my project was "ehh" by the time i got done mutilating it, but whatever.
i met this reallly cool kid chris today. he is a freshmen in science research and he wasnt competeing today, he was only going to take pictures and whatnot. i spent some time with him and think i might have a little teeny weeny crush ::blushes:: :P heez so cuteeee!!! hahah im so gayyyy, i have a crush on everyone lol
maybe we could hang out sometime soon bc we had a lot to talk about and he just seemed so cool, i wanna get to know him better :D
my mom is actually letting me go out now to relax, what a shame its not nice out and it looks like maris the crack of yo momma's assss ...oooo dip
so yeah, off to sammers' it is!! hehe i love that girl!!
current mood:  calm
current music: mars volta - drunkship of lanterns
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12:52 am - delerium. . .
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its now 12:53 a.m. thats not a late hour, in fact its usually about the time i am drifting off to sleep on any given day. however today is different because i got home from school merely 2 and a half hours ago...poo.
so its finally done, yet not even started because i have to redo everything completely in time for my next competition, cuz lets face it, this one got fucked up pretty badly :-/ ehh, whatevaaa i stressed about it enough and i feel like a complete dork for caring so much, but when its something i actually can put my heart into and care about, even if some may call me a loser cuz i can get into science so much, they can also kiss my ass becuase i enjoy what i enjoy, and fuck it, i enjoy science!! :P
so it sucked when i went to try on my outfit for tomorrow which i swore to my mom was perfect (jean skrirt, white button up- nothing special), i tried the shirt on, and apparently my boobs grew 3425437654 times since i wore that (summer) bc it was so incredibly tight only over my chest area that my bra was totally exposed in the middle ::blushes:: so then i got a lecture on how things should have been planned oiut in advance. so since your dying to know, im wearing the same jean skirt with this red and black striped sweater that i guarantee no one would ever expect me to own - its just so not me....still it boggles my mind that my boobs are so big when they dont look that big at all, and one is still bigger than the other and its weird- ok enough talk about my boobs :P
mmkay, time to go shower and get ready to wake up soon :-/ poo, yo- that bothers me that people leave pussy-ass anonymous comments, post your fucking names dudessssss.....
later~
current mood: relieved
current music: anatomy of a ghost
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| Sunday, March 14th, 2004
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9:45 pm - freakin out mannnn. . .
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ok so wowowowow, freakinn outtt bc my whole science experiment just fell to pieces right in front of my eyes.
yeah, that sucked. so techincally im going to suck at life at this competition, not because im so competitive like that, but because i really worked so hard for this, to figure everything out, to get all my materials, to do it, to get to hofstra for the centrifuge, just all the fucking time, thought, energy, etc i put into this. i just worked so hard for so long to have everything fall apart like that, in a split second. and it prolly all coulda been prevented had i not sucked so badly at everything.
if i had figured my protocol out earlier, or if i had opened up my materials a day before i did, or if i had called kat the night before to figure out what time mrs trusz was going to be there...look, what im trying to say is, if i hadnt screwed up once again, i could have actually had a really great project that actually might have been able to have gone somewhere, now any validation of any of my procedures is not possible, so this project has no results and cannot be validated. ugh...what a waste of so much of everything i need to live.
however, mrs trusz decided im still goign to this competition on tuesday, minus my results or any real objective to the experiment. so that means im going to make a total ass out of myself infront of some accomplished scientist, i prolly wont get an award worth any acknowledgment, and i will have proved to my parents once again that they were right and in their eyes, this is just another thing to add to the list of all the things ive screwed up...great.
on a happier note...oh yeah, there is no happier note to this entry, its all just about how badly i screw everything up...
only news is that i got a livejournal but i dont like it so i dont know how long im going to stick with it for. im most certainly not getting rid of this, the lj is just for me to update during computer class. its ugly and stupid and i dont like it, but heres the link to it anyway :
www.livejournal.com/users/asuicidalullaby
DONT stop reading this, because likelihood is, ill never update that anyway, just thought id let yall know.
o yeah, i found something to look forward to, me and dave (cuz were losersss :P) already started planning next weekend, so i have something to think about, that and the fact that hopefully ill see arielle soon, but since both our parents are paranoid fucks, it might be rather difficult, i love that girl to death though, she's so important to me even though i dont spend much time with her or talk about her that much, if i didnt have her, i would lose a large part of me. she was such a big influence on all the parts of me that changed over the summer and i owe her so much, and i have so much respect for her- i love you arielle :) hang in there cowgirl, cuz no matter what ill always be here for you and you can ALWAYS run away to my house!! there will always be room for you in my closet, along with a tied up, butt-rapped perry who we can take turns on!! hahaha ur the best and i miss you :) <333
ok time to peace out and be really overwhelmed...yay...
later DUDES~
current mood:  stressed
current music: go mordecai - while you were at the rodeo
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| Saturday, March 13th, 2004
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11:52 pm - i write to remember. . .
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dragged out to sea again by the same forceful wave that pushed and pulled me out there in the first place...i can already feel myself sinking, sinking like the knot pitted at the dpeths of my stomach. drowning and gasping for the air which i know lies just above the surface of the salty water which continuously knocks over my head keeping me between life and death. im just waiting for the calm so i can breathe easily once again...
current mood:  high
current music: all the songs going through my head
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8:41 am - for those of you who have forgotten. . .
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i have a few minutes now before i go into the school today for science research...fun fun fun :-\.
so last night started out sucky, considering my parents didnt let me do anything till about 9:30...but then it got better when kyle, alana, lili, and myles, came over and we all went into the shed/playroom/garage/outdoor thing- lets give it an official name "The Midnight Society Clubhouse" (you feel me?) hahaha - even though last night it wasnt used for scaring ourselves, it was more just chillin, but you knowww - kyle and myles tore it up on the drums (:P) and then lynda came and brought weed.
now i was all ready and wanting to smoke for the longest time...then we went for a walk. at first kyle said he was going to stay behind b/c he didnt want to smoke. and i felt bad...he couldnt take chillin with my brother though- so he met up with us :P we went into the bank parking lot and it just didnt feel right. i started to have some second thoughts and then as it was getting passed to me, my phone rang and it was dave...
...and then i remembered and realized all the reasons i dont want to smoke and i turned it down. theres so much i want to say here but cant.
then we went back into the clubhouse yo, and rick came :) and then kyle did one of those things where he tells you to close your eyes and then he walks you through stuff...it would have been so much better if people werent acting like retards my brother wasnt bothering us the whole time. but i dont know if it was the weight of realizations i came to earlier in the night or that the thing kyle was doing with us really had that big of an impact on me, but i got mad emotional and weird.
and im so glad my friends are such great people and that im lucky enough to be their friends- you all mean the world to me and i love you all so much. and im just so grateful that your all a part of my life *emotional moment* but really, you never know when something can happen to someone, so you better let everyone know how much they mean to you and tell people how you feel about them. you should never take anyone you have for granted, you should appreciate every minute you have with them...im preaching now, but really i just wanna let you guys all know that you mean the world to me :)
i miss sam, its been almost 4 days without her, this is out of control :P feel better cupcakessss :D
later~
the skyline unfolds into explanation...
current mood:  grateful
current music: finch - untitled
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| Friday, March 12th, 2004
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4:21 pm - they call it a wasteland baby. . .
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I just found a friend in one of your lies, to treat me so nice. i can't believe my bones when they say so many things; they tell me i am fine, believe me, i try
-the early november
yeah....you must think im really stupid.
current mood: annoyed
current music: at the drive in - enfilade
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| Thursday, March 11th, 2004
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3:33 pm - i wanted to say it, i really did...
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ok, wow so i have 2 more minutes ...this is big
i just read that last post, and could i have sounded more like pompous loser? nah
sorry, but im so gay sometimes, excuse me
hahah so i got $ from some people today- and those of you that didnt, im not sure ill be able to get them for you- sorry, parents are mad tight- dave paid me in WEED!! hahah noiceee...thankeee :D
im trying to figure out what to tell the parents cuz they asked me who gave money and idk...yeah, whatever, its not my problem if u didnt bring the bling- u mighta lost out...::tear::
yeah, so tomorrow- were gonna do this cool ass thing where we go into my little shed/garage thing in my backyard when its dark out and scare the shit out of each other and then run into my house bugging!! hahah good times
not much to say- im still in a good mood for almost 2 weeks- something is wrong here :P
i know theres no point of me writing anything in here that you (yes, i know i have a new "you" every week, but this one is a specialer one :D) will read, unless you stalk me and that would actually be cool, cuz i would stalk you too :P hehe...
but i reeeaaaallly like this kid...he's so cute and sweet and just niceee :) rituoyhgfld i dont know what words to use, i just have a big crushhh. hmmmm.... i think i might call him tonight- or maybeeee ill go into the lab for a little and he might just happen to be there- seee, science research is finally paying off, i get to meet cute freshmen :) :) :) hahah ::loser::
ok time to peace out dudes and dudettes....
later~
current mood:  chipper
current music: stars hide fire - fold
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| Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
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4:24 pm
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ok - so heres my big two minutes to update in between science research ruining my life and my parents.
yes, for this week and the beginning of next- consider me a non-existent friend. i have no time to call anyone or even barely say HULLO in the halls :( im usually rushing to mrs trusz or godknoswhat. i feel like detacthed from all my friends right now just because i honestly dont have enough mental capacity to keep track of everyone's status. instead my mind's filled with calculations of yolk ratios to buffer solutions and protocols for complex tests and WORRYING about getting done and getting one second of this woman's time....time to go off to hofstra now to centrifuge some things bc our school SUCKS....
later~ for a while - doint be mad if i can talk to you
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| Monday, March 8th, 2004
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4:36 pm - and although the moon is falling down on us, dont expect this day to end. . .
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yes ok so i just updated, but that had no feeling in it or anything substantial or anything i had to get off my chest.
idk ive been weird again lately. i see people kind of falling apart around me, but people who i look up to as strong and enduring. people who i would have looked to for strength and encouragement and who always knew the right lines. i feel now these people are turning to me for those words of advice and thoughts of wisdom that i just dont have.
i also dont know why i am so snippy with my mother. i dont understand why my initial reactions/responses are so nasty and hostile. i really have no patience with her. maybe its because i get nasty when she goes to repeat the same stupid lines over and over. or maybe its because i know she's right...either way, i feel a little bad when i actually make eye contact and say something with hostility and i see the look of hurt in her eyes. i know she doesnt want me to not like her. and i think she wants to like me - niether of us can really bring ourselves to like the other one no matter how much we try to ignore those flaws we dislike so much in the other. or maybe its somewhat of a reflection.
i dont have this time to spend thinking and writing about my silly thoughts. but i find it so hard to focus on work when i have these feelings cluttering my mangled mind. is it better to do things half assed and not fully there or maybe not do them at all, or work out my mind and then do everything...idk that probably made no sense. but sometimes, giving myself some time to organize my thoughts just leaves me hurt and more absorbed in this nonsence and then i find it even harder to focus.
i feel like ive just tried to put everything aside and shelve so much that the box in which ive been storing all this is breaking and things that have been hidden for so long are coming out and resurfacing after ive supressed them for so long and i dont think im ready to deal with this now and some of these things, never.
head ache head ache head ache- i want her to stop looking at me and talking at me so i dont have to be mean. i want her to go away, i know what i have to do, i wish she would just let me figure out the way i want to do everything- i need her to stop staring...GO AWAY stop stop stop stop stop- she's still looking and its making me very nervous what does she want me to do back?
fuck this alll
turn the lights low, wasting precious time
current mood: headaching :-\
current music: the early november - ever so sweet
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3:49 pm - these were the words that broke your heart. . .
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mrs palacio sucks ass i hate her with a passion, etc <--my rant for the day
survey stolen from kyle:
Ten bands you've been listening to a lot lately:
1) Radiohead
2) the early november
3) anatomy of a ghost
4) go mordecai
5) finch
6) at the drive in
7) avenged sevenfold
8) one star falling
9) the mars volta
10) thrice
Nine things you're looking forward to:
1) science research being over
2) the weekend
4) *MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE/A7X* show
5) spring break
6) reading the perks of being a wallflower
7) loosing weight
8) my dog's hair growing back
9) going into the city
Eight things you like to wear:
1) jeans
2) my adidas sneaker
3) My fuzzy slippers
4) comfy band shirts :)
5) SCRUBSSSS =P
6) nail polish
7) sandals
8) hemp shit!
Seven things that annoy you:
1) people
2) science research
3) school
4) my inability to smell anything anymore
5) pseudo-intellectuals
6) people who think theyre cooler than you and act condescending
7) the fact that weed is so great
Six things you say almost everyday:
1) Dude
2) harsh
3) im gonna kill mrs trusz
4) fuck
5) *some line from half baked*
6) im hungry
Five things you do everyday:
1) Listen to music
2) spend countless hours talking to cool people :)
3) Eat
4) update this fucking time-waster :P
5) think about dean
Four people you want to spend more time with:
1) RISAM (as a whole)
2) arielle :(
3) jessica L
4) hot, horny guys looking for a good fuck :P
Three movies you could watch over and over again:
1) HALF BAKED
2) any kevin smith movie
3) requiem for a dream
Two of your favorite songs at the moment:
1) anatomy of a ghost - distress in the control tower
2) thursday - this side of brightness
One person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1) way too young to know that yet
current mood: bored
current music: go mordecai - watership down
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| Sunday, March 7th, 2004
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10:25 am - indifference is bliss. . .
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i dont have much to say at all, i just kinda felt like writing/typing, or maybe it's just i really dont feel like starting my work.
so if you didnt notice, im not at work today like i normally am, thats bc i was supposed to be in the lab working on my project, but (get ready for this suprise) MRS TRUSZ ISNT THERE. im really not gonna be ready for Malloy in less that a week and a half. this next week should be tons of fun...o man, i can almost feel the frustrated tears rising behind my tired eyelids....i hate crying over meaningless crap- especially when i just feel like such a babyish asshole, but every now and then, i just have to let all those stupid childish annoyances out and if in no other way, than ill let it out through tears....::cries in corner:: =P
i know i dont believe in this stuff but i think the stars and planets are in my favor this month! (hahaha i cant believe i actually just said that!!) but ive just been so happy. down to the bone with happiness. things can damper my mood, but it doesnt matter because at the core, im still happy. idk its hard to explain, i just feel the best ive felt in so long...maybe its because im finally indifferent!!! yayayay- big applause for me! its not even that im so content with where im at in my life like i said in a previous entry, but i just feel like everything is good right now. idk im talking out of my blissfully happy assssss!!
its weird, because there are things that i should or would have been more upset about at any other time in my life, but now have become insignificant and unimportant to me- however i think this is a bad thing, because the things that dont bother me are probably things that i really ought to care about and want to do something about...yeahhh whatevaaaa
ok peacing out because this entry is probably so annoying by now...
later~
current mood:  indifferent
current music: the juliana theory - into the dark
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| Saturday, March 6th, 2004
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5:16 pm - cant you see the wall you built for me?
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how does it still hurt when things like that happen? its not supposed to, and it doesnt, but does. i wish i could build a wall around my heart and it would be so high that no one could get over it except for my knight in shining armor, determined to save me from the dragon or demon getting to me. only the ones willing to do what it takes to make it over the top of the wall would be worthy of being let in- those are the ones who would never hurt me and do....nevermind.
i hate feeling so unsettled like this. like something is just out of place and needs to be reset.
im so glad my friends are so awsome and can always make me smile :) you guys are the greatest- each and every single one of you- i learn to love and appreciate you guys more and more each day and im so sorry if i ever do/did anything to ever hurt any of you- none of you deserve any shit from me ever...you all just mean the world to me and i am so lucky to have you...you guys are all my constant reminder of why i stay sane! i love you alll <3
later DUDE~
current mood: touched
current music: dead poetic - the corporate enthusiast
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12:44 pm - we all stand with an invisible gun to our head. . .
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this'll be quick cuz i gotta shower and dedicate the rest of my natural born life to science research.
i ended up going to the mall after school with lynda, ricky, sam, and kyle. i only got some cds (but hey, im not the loser that goes to the mall and only gets books, damn, who does that?) i trusted kyle with my life there and let him pick some cds for me- me and lynda shared them - this day forward, mars volta, the getup kids, and hidden in plain view.
we went to go take the bus home and i was the only one with any change, so after i payed, we realized that we had to get off the bus and go get change for everyone else- yeah the evil dick of a bus driver stole my bling, but its all good. then we had to take the late-ass bus home and no one could really hang out.
since kyles parents rock, they left him home alone...hehe...so me, sam, and lynda went back to sams, and around 1 timmy called me from kyles and being the spontanious, crazy, awsome people we are, we snuck out and went over to kyles and chilled out with kyle, tim, and myles- some of the best, funniest people i know- i <3 them! then we took a cab home, the end.
later DUDE~
current mood:  dorky
current music: this day forward - fragile version
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| Thursday, March 4th, 2004
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4:00 pm - good things come to those who wait...(idk a fortune cookie told me that once)
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holyyyyyyy shit i think im gonna pee:
@ the downtown:
3/21 - the reunion show, bayside, stars hide fire, sarcasm, and slowlands
3/28 - the early november + more
4/7 - BOYS NIGHT OUT + others
4/12 - MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE, avenged sevenfold, nora, and alexisonfire
4/15 - TAKING BACK SUNDAY + others
4/29 - allister, hidden in plain view + others
6/17 - ferret records tour '04
:D
i have not been this excited/happy/*insert good emotion here* in the longest time, this is sooooo exciting, i plan to go to alll of them- in fact im gonna go order some tickets RIGHT NOW!
yayayayayay.....
im not gonna do what everyone thinks im gonna do and FREAK OUT...all i wanna know is who's comin with me mannn? who's comin with me?
later~
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| Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
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8:21 pm - where have you been all my life. . .
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so if mrs. baron's theory holds true, then out into the open field of freedom i go!
yesterday i swore to myself and others that i would never write another entry with any emotion again. i lied.
this really has proven to be an outlet for my most bitter and glorious feelings. i can relay things on this better than i can in person and i love that freedom.
i have many other sources of venting or just saying but this is the only one i let known to the public. i like that my friends read this because maybe if i cant give them an idea of who i am in person (because i suck at life) then this may give them more insight to my deeper feelings. all these journals are really so emo. its crying out to the public world all pain and emotion- a quote comes to mind "watch me as i cut myself wide open on this stage as i am paid to spill my guts..." - brand new
i dont know, now im rambling stupid crap! heh
for some reason im in the best mood all day- maybe its that amazingly awsome talk i had with ricky till the morning, or it could be that great iced caramel machiata i had just earlier today, or even the weather as it slowly transforms itself to the gentle warmth of spring. whatever is making me this cheerful i hope stays with me because i need to be this way in order to function. no more sadness and depression and self-pity. i feel so much more like me, like i came to terms with the point in my life that i am at and am content with it. there are still many things i would like to change and arent as i would like them to be, but for the most part, i am content with many different aspects of my life right now. this all very well may change by tomorrow.
there is so much i want to do this weekend. i want to go into the city so badly. i feel like i just fit there, its just something i want to be a part of. im envious of those who live in the city and the first example of someone i can think of is lynda's friend danny who we hung out with once. he just knew his way around so well and just looked like a piece of the city. i cant describe it, but he just looked like he didnt belong anywhere else, and i just dont feel like i fit in long beach. im craving the city's skyscrapers that tower over the streets making life a little darker, but the beautiful architecture compencates. the tiny little shops hidden deep in the heart of soho and the commericalized, always-alive times square with the billboards so reminiscent of everything foreshadowed by ingenius author's who depicted our future so well. its quite depressing to think about how books written years ago captured ideas that fell into place now and were portrayed as horrible mechanisms of brainwashing. ah, the rants and ramblings that could pour out of me right now, but im in too good of a mood to really let all the irritants of society get the best of me.
hmmmm, time to go, i suppose...do some work and maybe liesurely start some extra credit assignments. this is the first night in a while that i havent actually had homework. i really have to stop cutting classes, i think i cut 3 either the end of last week or the beginning of this one and i just cut another 2 today...dammit. fuck i really wasnt gonna cut this quarter so from now on, im going to class. even stupid ones i dont like (cough keyboarding, gym, science research cough). yeah, ok like i like any classes, whatever, my good mood is taking me over and refusing to let me be dampered by all the bad things ive been doing =P....or should i say >:P (evil mischeif face!) yeah ok, ijm done, now im outta my mindddd....
hope i can have another great talk with ricky tonight, i just feel like i can open up to him and no matter what i say, he doesnt judge me for it, he only gives me great pieces of advice which reminds me a lot of dean. i shared something that dean once told me with him last night and he loved it and i was so glad that i could make him smile about it :) we have a lot more in common than i thought and im glad were getting so close :D ::big smiles and fuzzy feelingsss:: <--LOSER
later~
standing at the margin's edge to see where the daybreak ends, you can find compassion here but the page turns too fast. we fell in this hole that opened up, giving up on hope; living without love and we still type black lines...
current mood:  good
current music: thursday - war all the time
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| Monday, March 1st, 2004
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4:58 pm - do you have the time, to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?
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it must be me thats out of my mind. i must be psychotic and crazy. this is so painful its ridiculous. this is just a whole different kind of pain and hurt. i feel suspended somewhere in this limbo between love and hate. "love and hate are actually the same emotion, the opposite of love is indifference"- mrs. p.baron...ah, her wisdom and insight makes me smile.
i dont think you are mildly aware of how serisouly i take everything you say. silly me, i should know by now what an impulsive person you are. i can compare you to a seive: emotions just fall right through you until you are refilled or distracted with another one. i dont think you realize that just because you have no concept of words actually having meaning behind them, doesnt mean that other people dont as well. when you say such strong things, people think you mean what you say and it is obvious that you will break many hearts along your journey through life. i pity the others who fall into the same trap.
college seems so great, im scared to longer have the comforts of a "safe haven" (whatever that means anymore) but it seems like such a glorious thing to be able to come and go as a you please and no one honestly knows you; you can just start over on a clean slate with new people, who will judge you entirely differently than the those who already have formed opinions of you. every now and then i feel more than ready for the whole college experience and right now i need it so badly, almost as much as i need you.
i feel like my life is so quiet and uneventful right now, like the rushing, continuous waves finally pulled me out to the calm, lightly rolling waters, where i bide peacefully waiting for the next set of waves to come piling on and dorwn me in their mighty power. its just a matter of time. and id like to think that everything will eventually work out for the best, its just taking a little longer than id like :-/ "all in good time child, all in good time" - movie that i cant remember =P...
bout to take this survey i stole from camp-friend-christine's xanga (not procrastinating writing this english paper :(
HAVE YOU...
01. Fallen for your best friend?: unfortunately :-/
02. Made out with JUST a friend?: nope
03. Been rejected?: yeah
04. Been in love?: uh huh
05. Been in lust?: YESS!! (haha)
06. Used someone?: im mean like that
07. Been used?: prolly
08. Cheated on someone?: could have, but didnt
09. Been cheated on?: yeah...
10. Been kissed?: EeWwWwWw kisses give you co0o0otiess =P
11. Done something you regret?: 394865836583649263634964396 things
Who was the last person...
12. You touched?: my dog?!
13. You talked to?: my bro
14. You hugged?: ricky
15. You instant messaged?: jobo
16. You kissed?: wouldnt you like to know....(me too =P) hahaha
17. You yelled at?: mother
18. You laughed with? jobo
19. You had a crush on?: ur mom- sheez so DAMN sexyy
20. That broke your heart?: la-di-da...
Do you...
21. Color your hair?: ::grumbless to self::
22. Have tattoos?: nope
23. Piercings?: earssss
24. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?: ::sighs::
25. Floss daily?: hahahaha samm and her flossing- u weirdoo
26. Own a webcam?: nah- im poor like that
27. Ever get off the damn computer?: nope, my eyes are glued
28. Sprechen sie deutsche?: ?????
29. Habla espanol?: si senorrrr
Have you/do you have...
30. Considered a life of crime?: nope, but big time drug dealer, yes =P
31. Considered being a hooker?: you can find me on the corner of monroe and east olive anytime between...
32. Considered being a pimp?: who hasnt?
33. Are you psycho?: only when driven to that point...
34. Split personalities?: prolly - johannaaaaa!
35. Schizophrenic?: most definetely (cough jo cough)
36. Obsessive?: is this a rhitorical question?
37. Obsessive compulsive?: pleaseeeee hunny!!
38. Panic?: like a bitch on wheels
39. Depressed?: too often...
40. Obsessed with hate?: the actual emotion hate- no, hating certain people, YES!! hahah yalll know whooo =P
41. Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore?: in the nicest ways possible, yes
42. Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them?: only when pissed off
43. If you could be anywhere, where would you be?: in da citayy
44. What would you be doing?: apreciating it for how amazingly great it is
45. What are you listening to?: cursive
46. Can you do anything freakish with your body?: uh ohhhhhh!!
47. Chicken or fish?: maris?
48. Do you have a favorite animal?: horses (greatest creatures to walk the planet :D)
49. Is hot kinky sex the best thing in the world?: YES
50. Current Clothes: plaid pj pants, wife beeter, puff slippers!! yayyy
51. Current Mood: overwhelmed
52. Current Music: more cursive (same cd, duhhhh you silly goose)
53. Current Taste: saliva?
54. Current Hair: brown?
55. Current Annoyance: too much to list
56. Current Smell: shampoo
57. Current thing I ought to be doing: ENGLISH PAPER
58. Current Desktop Picture: collage of favorite bands (those who have seen it know just how sexxxy it is!!
59. Current Favorite Group(s): radiohead, aoag, thursday and mcr (as alwaysss)
60. Current Book: one flew over the cuckoo's nest and dangerous visions
61. Current DVD In Player: SUPER TROOPERS BIOTCHHH (its sam's tho so i gots to give it back ::tear::)
62. Current Color Of Toenails(Nail polish): pinkkk
63. Current Refreshment: agua
64. Current Worry: where shall i begin...
65. Current Favorite Celebrity: i hate celebrities
FAVORITE...
66. Food: italian
67. Random Lyric: "i wanna hate you so bad, but i cant"-tbs
68. Drink: suprisingly enough- root beer (sam)
69. Color: idk...
70. Shoes: the most comfortable adidas ones- ill never let them go (ive had them for at least 2 years :)
71. Candy: reeses
72. Animal: horse
73. TV Show: o-so many
74. Movie: if you dont know me well enough to know that answer on your own, you shouldnt be reading this
75. Dance: the one i did with maris last night =P
76. Vegtable: is a tomato a vegetabloe or fruit?
77. Fruit: strawberries and clementines
ARE YOU...
78. Understanding: i think so
79. Open-minded: try to be
80. Arrogant: sometimes
81. Insecure: definetely
82. Interesting: no
83. Hungry: 24/7
84. Friendly: i think so
85. Smart: so they say...
86. Moody: hah
87. Childish: sometimes
88. Independent: the opposite of
89. Hard working: depends how motivated i am
90. Organized: yeahok
91. Healthy: im sureee...
92. Emotionally Stable: HAHAHAHA (jo)
93. Shy: very
94. Difficult: prolly
95. Bored Easily: ADD over hurrr
96. Thirsty: not at the moment
97. Responsible: depends with what
98. Obsessed: with several things
99. Sad: too often
100. Happy: only when im with the best :D
101. Trusting: only in special people
102. Ill: wtf kinda question is that? (then again, wtf kinda survey is this?)
103. Talkative: to certain people
104. Original: idk
105. Different: in certain ways
106. Unique: i guess in some respects
107. Lonely: as all fuck
WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
108. Kill: several people
109. Slap: o you knowww
110. Look Like: many people
111. Be Like: moi
later~
sorry for that longggg-ass shit
current mood: devoid of emotion
current music: cursive - driftwood: a fairy tale
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| Sunday, February 29th, 2004
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5:36 pm - go on, keep leading me. . .
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hmm, not much to say-
last night sucked so incredibly badly, i knew it was a mistake but whatever, its all good.
especially good talk with dave last night this morning (=P)- o man, i love when we have such great talks, the ones where we stay up till 3:30 just spilling our heart and soul to each other. i love that we can talk for hours on end, and still feel like the conversation is being cut short when we hang up. i always feel so fulfilled and satisfied after i talk to him, and i love that we can have such meaningful, deep talks; they make me so happy :D. sorry i was too pussy to sneak out last night, but i promise, one of these nights, ill sneak out of my house and well meet up! i dont know why but i feel better about certain things. i believe you when you say those things...
work today- HOLY SHIT- i brought my dog in, and for those of you who know my puppy, you know heez got long hair and heez the cutest thing in the world (and is not meant to be shot with little plastic guns *cough*daveandmyles*cough*), anyway, i shaved him COMPLETELY!!! hahaha all i did was leave his big-ass head and i gave him a giant crew cut- he looks sooooooooooooooooooooooo weirdd! o man, if people thought he was ugly with long hair, now he just looks like a wierd-ass rat thing - itll grow in but my mom will never forgive me!!! hahaha LIBBY- there i mentioned you...good times =P
wtf am i doing writing this entry when theres hw to be done?! damnnnn homie! im hyper as alll fuckin hell bc suzanne and libby went to starbucks and i got a caramel machiata with 3 espresso shotss omg i am just lving life on the edgeee...yeah
later~
super trooper: do you know why you boys were pulled over?
guy in the car: no sir, we dont...
super trooper: littering and...littering and...littering and...littering and........SMOKING THE REEFER!
i <3 super troopers
current mood:  hyper
current music: radiohead - prove yourself
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| Saturday, February 28th, 2004
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12:47 pm - a kiss forgotten. . .
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ugh, i just wrote this whole poem about some over-exaggerated emotion i felt for about 5 minutes. then things fell into perspective and i realized how pathetic i am. and how melodramatic i am. but its not intentional, because if i could stop over-reacting to anything and everything i think i would be a sounder person; a saner person. i also realized with my poetry writing skills (or lack there of) that i can never write decent poetry without it ryhming. and im afraid my writing sounds somewhat childish. i dont know, its not like i let anyone ever read what i write, and i know no one thinks i have any real depth to me, but i spend alot of procrastinated time writing things i bet none of you would ever expect could come from me. suprise- im not just a ball of ditziness and joking comments. sorry, suddenly bitter mood.
last night, before i went up to bed, my dad handed me a pile of a few cds and said "why dont you give some good music a try?!" i took the cds up to my room and looked through them, he gave me the first radiohead cd (my dad listens to RADIOHEAD!!!), the bogmen, the second television album, and traffic. im loving the radiohead, the bogmen is cool, but i would need to be in the mood for them, television, to my dismay, was nothing like what i wanted/expected/hoped, and listening to traffic right now, its defintely interesting, and i can appreciate the talent and music, but its not exactly what i would pick to listen to. i dont know, but when he does sweet little gestures like that, i really appreciate him and think its cute that he tries to relate to me in the only way he feels he can. i wish he would keep that gentle look on his face; that hoping, widened eye more often, it might make me see him as a different person. it might make him more appraochable.
im in this situation which is one of the toughest situations ive been in, in a long time and it hurts so bad because i cant even tell some of my closest confidantes. i just want to scream it out and tell you but i cant and it is torturing me.
nothing was ever supposed to hurt like this, do you care what you do to me?
i wish i could be this indifferent forever and never let you anyone in again...
i really dont give a shit about what *you* want, you can fuck off, how could anyone possibly expect me not to be bitter and angry? ill feel and act however the fuck i want- go mind your goddam business.
current music: from autumn to ashes - autumn's monologue
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