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Sunday, January 29th, 2006
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6:36 pm - i'm not like you
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wowowowow. blurtymania!
i couldn't log in because it kept telling me my password was wrong after i had tried all my passwords i have used in the past 2 years (or so i thought) and when i asked it to e-mail my password to me, my password was 'tyler'. wowowow. that's old schoooool right there.
no one reads this anymore whatsoever so i'm safe, but i am not sure what i am safe from?
its nice to check in every now and then.
i know its no one's fault but i hate waiting and i am being forced to wait now. FEHHH.
i am in colleges and if you told me that the last time i wrote in this damn thing, i probably wouldn't have believed you:
albany
new paltz
drexel.
to those who don't believe, life will eventually take form. crazy.
current music: blink 182
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| Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
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7:09 pm
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imagine if someone read this. and it wasn't me.
that would be crazy.
i failed at blurty. boo. i still think it is cooler than livejournal.
i want to say something, but i can't because i can't formulate into words the feelings i am experiencing about something in particular lately. fuck.
later.
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| Saturday, January 15th, 2005
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6:56 pm
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bleh...im back
but i dont think anyone will know
but i cant take chances so i wont write anything i would want to say if this had existed as my sole journal for so long.
and livejournal is down which is annoying.
so i'm sorry for having ditched this, but i dont know who i'm apologizing to
the end.
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| Saturday, May 1st, 2004
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9:20 am - its only you beautiful or i dont want anyone
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wow its been long. im such an asshole, i cant believe i ditched my blurty completely and entirely. i suck, im sorry.
its not a lie, whenever i do something im not supposed to, no matter how stupid and ridiculous it is, as long as its something thats breaking a parentally set rule, they catch me. case and point: last night my mom was in the city and my dad was home working. i am not supposed to drive in cars with anyone other than parents and i figured since there was no seemingly possible way they would ever see me in a car bc how could they, being one was in the city and the other one was at work, i got in the car with jeremy because it was just easier than walking. maybe i should tell u how i got into that horribly dangerous and ridiculous situation (i hope you caught the sarcasm):
i met up with tim, jer, and kyle at this chinese place around my corner, from there we were going to walk to sami's, but jer and kyle were supposed to hang out with bailey and courtney. timmy decided to invite everyone too sam's and then she got mad and upset being that it had been so long since i said we were coming. we stopped at jeremy's to pick up the car and to go get them. at this point sam didnt thinik we were coming at all and was prolly furious. being the best friends ever that we are, we went to waldbaums and got her a cake. we suprised her at her house and from there, there was some more funny, crazy stuff that happened but i dont feel like writing about it. anyway, it had been no big deal that i was driving with jeremy because it seemed fool-proof. later on, we were going to go back to my house from myles' house and they couldnt see the car parked so i had jermey drop us off one block over and he drove away. as we go to my driveway my mom pulled in and everything seemed fine.
after everyone left she said how did u get here so fast, i saw you on the corner of lafayette and then you got here as i did. so she knew i couldnt have walked but i told her i did anyway and then it was quickly obivous that i hadnt walked and i said fine i drove with jeremy for like 2 blocvks and they went out of their minds and told me to get out of their face. they said some stuff but ultimately "have to sit with this for a while" before they can do anything about it. do you see that folks, i suck at life. i suck suck suck and this sucks and im so fucked because i have no clue what the consequences are going to be and please lilsten to me from now on when i say i get caught when i do things i shouldt and i know its stupid but seriously, i do and i dont want to keep fucking up in my parent's mind.
sorry this was a whole stupid rant but i really wanted to update my blurty.
i sorta made up with dave last night after not talking to him for id say a monthish. i say sorta, but we did make up, its just not how i pictured it going. it was so good to hear his voice though, i cant explain it. i dont know, im so confused.
ok, im going to go now and hopefully this wasnt too painful, but i suck at keeping two journals.
<333 jules
current mood:  determined
current music: give up the ghost
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| Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
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9:54 am - the future freaks me out
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yet again ive been miserably neglegent to my blurty. and i apologize for all you avid blurty readers.
ive started to feel like absolutely no one reads this anymore, which may give it more point than my livejournal becuase maybe this journal can really be for me, not for the reader.
that aside, vacation has overall been rather successful. there are so many things that i realized over this short period of time. so many break-throughs and shit. i got closer than ever with certain people. and i love that and all of them. im so glad i befriended these people becuase they make me so happy. everyone is so genuine and decent and great and i dont think i tell them how much i appreciate them enough.
i have so much strong emotion in me right now, but if i wrote about it and wrote it all down i might cry and im too stable right now to cry.
i bet you dont even read this anymore becuase you are probably trying to forget me almost as much as im trying to erase you from my memory, but when i think about everything in retrospect, this last issue aside, why did you ever have to even IM me that day? for some fucking fucked up reason i decided to let you in. you know how i dont let people in. you knew everything. you knew how i didnt want to let you in, you knew all my precautions. you still insisted on pushing your way into my heart. you remember what happened to the last person i let in before you. you knew what it had to take out of me to let you in, all the stress, anxiety, fear. i did it anyway because i thought you were serious and i thought you were genuine. look at how you burned me. look at what i got for finally letting my guard down. why should i ever want to do that for anyone again. look at the only two experiences i can look back on.
im sorry i ever told you you know me as well as he did or that i ever cared about you more than an eigth of how much i cared and loved him becuase never will you ever measure up to even a third of the person he was. remember how you always used to tell me how i was the best thing to have ever happened to you? well dont you also remember how i never answered or recipricated? because i knew you werent. i even knew you were one of the worst things to have happened to me then, but as long as nothing had happened yet, i chose to ignore my instinct. i hope you rot without me. you're only on a downward spiral and i dont know when things will look up for you. what i told you the psychic said, wasnt all she said. and i almost felt bad for you for a minute. i felt sad and sorry.
there is no fucking point to spilling all of this because your not even going to read it and i almost dont want you to read it because what is the point of continuing to dig up old hurt and pain becuase it doesnt accomplish anything more than upsetting me. and i know you feel bad about everything that happened. but actions speak louder than words. thats why "sorry" doesnt mean shit when it comes from your mouth. then there is the other part of me that hopes you'll read this and maybe sit, and reflect back on everything and maybe realize how badly you hurt me and scarred me and maybe for once, you'll actually feel sorry. but i know you better than to think you would actually do something about it.
look at this, i just wasted 10 minutes of my life and 3 paragraphs of my blurty on you. and see, this whole time i was just trying to forget you. i know this is a horrible thing to do, but its so true. if anyting every happens, its most likely because of you.
fuck this...
gone~
current mood: fuck you
current music: the neverenders - today is the day
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| Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
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9:12 am - paint us back to life
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ive been completely and totally neglegent of my blurty. its horrible im well aware. but now im afraid no one reads it anymore now that i got a livejournal and no matter what anyone says i know theyre gonna read the lj bc its easier. blehhhlksdhosdhljgln
the lj is a little easier to manage in the customization department (<--dork)
yeah so i get an emo fetus...thanks jobo! :P
not much going on. i got boys night out tonight...im not nearly as excited as i should be. maybe cuz i know im not going with anyone i can really get into it with. i wish i was going with a hardcore bno fan, say sam or kyle?
i wanna be able to be up against the stage screaming every line to every song and look over at my friend next to me and know theyre doing the same thing and enjoying it and apreciating it just as much as i am. i had an extra ticket but jess bought it. i dont think she's ever heard them before.
im going to see my grandma today i think. i talked to her on the phone for the first time yesterday. she sounded incredibly angry at me. cold and distant and maybe i got a taste of my own medicine. if i didnt have the show tonight i would have forced myself to sleep over. i really want her to know how much i care and how badly i feel for how ive been acting. i want her to get better so badly. i want things to go back so i could maybe have a second chance even though i dont deserve it.
im going to go make her my macoroni and cheese now. i hope she like my recipe. maybe while im at it ill make extra for maris and bring it to her later!!!! damn i miss sam :(
i went to get my bike yesterday and it was so weird knowing that sam wasnt there and when i talked to maris that i wasnt asking for sam and it was just really strange and it got me thinking about all sorts of other things. i love my friends to death. i miss you alllll so much and i hate this unsettled feeling that you hate me as you probably should. i wish you werent away so i could try and talk to you. im sorry, if it means anything to you or you care.
gone~
now its time, time to fly
current music: this day forward - in the past...on the ground
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| Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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4:00 pm - wait for no one, tell it like it is. . .
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i hate myself and i hate everything about me. i want to shrivel up and die. why do i have to have the problems i have because for the first time, things seem out of my control. and im dieing. i cant deal with these things, there so much bigger than i am and im scared. very scared. and i hate you because ive been there for you no matter what and the one fucking time i might need you because im going to have an emotional breakdown and your not fucking there because you were off being an asshole. and i hate to think that i actually thought i could depend on you for half a second. what was i thinking. you "had something to do" and couldnt. i hate you. that was so fucked up. i sat crying and breaking down and needed a familiar face and i fucking wanted yours and you...where were you? not in the cafeteria
now my parents think i have more problems than ever and i lost count at where i left off with everything and i dont like talking to many people anymore and im closing up. im trying to hide and get away but people come chasing after me. my head is spinning and my heart is broken and im broken...and i dont break.
time to close my eyes, forget about this mess...
im so afraid of being alone. im so afraid of this vacation. im so afraid of tomorrow. im so afraid of falling asleep. im so afraid of waking up. i dont want to live till tomorrow i want to die now so i dont have to deal with anything. call me weak, but thats what i am. i need someone right now, but at the same time i dont want anyone. i want to like myself. i want my heart to stop right now....
pointlessness...
gone~
where have you been all my life?
current mood:  angry
current music: thursday- dying in new brunswick
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| Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
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4:58 pm - breathing takes practice, practice we missed, so we dye. end transmission we're giving up...
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i dont have much time to update which bothers me because i finally feel like i have somethings to say and i might finally know how to say them.
yet at the same time there are some things i dont even know how to begin to say.
the weather is so drab and peaceful. watching the puddles methodically get hit on their surface with little dimples covering the expanse of the puddle itself. i feel so sleepy yet know i will never be able to actually drift off.
people are mad at me left and right and i cant help it. and maybe since i cant help it, its my fault and im a horrible person who deserves noone or nothing im given. i dont like this akward feeling of not being able to talk to people or looking for a familiar face, but instead finding a dirty look.
i also feel this incredible frustration with lack of time in life. i dont think that i could live any differently and feel satisfied with how i choose to spend my time, or not have people be mad at me for how i spend my time, or have people hurt by how i spend my time. i guess im the complete opposite. if something wasnt there in the first place, the likelihood of it being there in any other way is slim. and i dont like to try and force things.
that made no sense, but i followed it completely in my head.
o no, the nazi is back....
gone~
my tears seep through the crack under my door where i am locked in, shut down. im so tired of picking myself up off the ground
current music: dead poetic - vanus empty
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| Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
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10:51 pm - we're surrounded, just drop the gun. . .
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so im a loser and am posting bc i just got home from the trip. umm....im tired as hell and have lots to say about it. but alass, am too tired to type.
ill write about it on my lj tomorrow morning in keyboarding- for now i have to go pass out.
--> to all my science research nerdsss: cool kids sit in the front, the pseudo cool kids sit in the back with the shit! ...
wow im a loser
...so why dont you kill me
gone~
current music: give up the ghost
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| Sunday, March 28th, 2004
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4:42 pm - the subtleties that make mass murderers out of otherwise decent human beings...
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so i just spent some unexpected, yet awsome as always, quality time with kat :) im so glad she came by, i missed hanging out with her one on one like that. i miss the conversations we have and the debates we can go all day about. i missed her alot.
in fact i miss hanging out with people one on one in general. i realize that we always hang out in groups and i never get to be alone with anyone. i miss that type of bond and connection. i feel like i have my own special connection with all of my friends, but i wish they were more intimate than they are. but i love all my friends so much. im so glad i have you guys. and my boys too- i love you dudes muchoo amountssss 8) but ur not my boys your my friends and u all rock :) :) :) "your so special little one, all of you, all of youuuuu *cries and hugs child*" haha half baked right thurrr.
walking home from pizza with kat i got cat-called by like a 10 year old and his older brother. it was weird and scary cuz i was all alone! the older one was hot :P
some guys are such pigs. also ones that FART really loudly in front of me....ewwwwww :P
ill prolly update again before i leave, but i know everyone is going to miss me o-so much when im goneee. you wont see me for like 3 dayssss. o-mi-god what are you going to do without mee?? im gonna have so much un, so dont worry about me :P (i know you were)
aritttte...
gone~
save me or save yourself
current mood:  optimistic
current music: boys night out- a torrid love affair
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12:07 am - discard this message, throw this bottle back into the ocean, forget my name, forget my face...
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i hate myself almost as much as i hate you. i suck at life almost as badly as you do. never forgotten, never forgiven.
gone~
ps. dont get all pissy over this fucking post or any fucking post...anybody its not about what you'd think it is, and this bothers me that i even have to try and explain myself.
if we ever meet again it will be too soon
current music: thursday - ian curtis
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| Friday, March 26th, 2004
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10:03 pm - ahh, the essence of a science nerd. . .
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yes, its 10:04 and i just got home a few minutes ago. blehhhhsloshflkdhflkdshflksjdflk
but it was well worth it because i got to spend time with you :D ahh i just like being around youu- i havent felt this way about anyone so truthfully in so long, you make me forget everything :D i cant stop smiling and laughing around you. but not the fake, forced, flirty kind, the kind where my nose crinkles up and my eyes get all squinty and my voice gets a little high pitched and i mean it from the bottom of my heart.
if one good thing could come out of science research, it would be me and you :) <-- that was the loserist, dorkiest, corniest thing ive ever said. but ive never meant anything so truthfully! wow i think that makes me an even bigger dork.
i didnt do much tonight other than dedicate my friday night to science research (<--loser) i hope for now or nothing did well at their show...i feel bad i missed it :( o well, life's a bitch
but somehow at the end of the night i dont find myself feeling bad for it, im quite satisfied, bc for once i didnt have to be doing something, i was content with what i did! haha yayyyy :D
going to finish perks (excited/scared for the ending) and dream about youuuuu <333
gone~
current mood:  dorky
current music: motion city soundtrack - shiver
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4:47 pm - this is the first time, hopefully the last...
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so its friday and for some reason i feel frustrated in that weird way. the kind where it seems like everything is happening around me and it doesnt slow down for anything and no matter how fast i try to run to ctach up, i just cant.
i feel like all these plans are happening around me and i dont know which to join. (that somehow didnt sound right)
i was supposed to go see fnon tonight but its in amityville and i dont think i have a ride. besides, my mother might get home and decide i have to fucking study for the quarterlys im having next week. and her rationale is that im gonna be away monday and tuesday so when is this studying going to get done. but the problem is i know better and i know i wouldnbt have done any work on those days anyway either. 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.
sams in woodbury all weekend and i just realized that this is the first time im updating since about monday. wow. now my blurty is being neglected. harsh dude.
so monday and tuesday i get to spend with youuu <3333 :) :) :) o0o0o and were gonna be on an overnight too, i sense some sneaking arounddddd :P ahhhhh- u make me smile so muchhh :D other than the fact i get to miss school for this, im only so excited because i get to be with youu :) ::loserrrrr::
k well idk i feel weird and unhappy yet at the same time happy and content. im so contradictory. ughdngdnfl;knsd;lfgjld
gone~
current mood:  ditzy
current music: hellogoodbye - call n return (say that youre into me)
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| Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
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5:54 pm - honey, this mirror isnt big enough for the two of us. . .
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i cant describe my feelings at all right now. i want things so badly to go back to even just a few days ago when i was so content. i still am, but things have changed and im not sure just how big of a deal they are. my grandma is having bowel problems but they could indicate something more important and frankly im worried for her. i feel like she doesnt have any real motivation for living so without any push from herself, she might just let herself slip away.
i want so badly to call her and tell her that i love her and care about her even though i have emotionally closed myself to her. i cant even remember when i started feeling blank and numb towards her. i just am such an asshole fuck-up that i cant do it out of pride and embarrassment.
to think this might be one of my only chances to and im going to watch it pass me by. wow i want to cry just thinking about how much im going to be sad and regret this when she's gone. im such a horrible person sometimes.
whats wrong with me?
i really do hate me.
i didnt think or know that i cared about her like this, but i realize she really is important to me and i love her dearly. when she comes out of the hospital and is hopefully better im going to ask her if i could sleep over and make coolies with her like i used to when i was little. i think it would make her happy. i selfishly think it would make me feel better. i wish i wasnt so afraid of her house either...its haunted! no serisously, it is. my psychic aunt even told me so.
more to say but again i dont feel like saying it even though i feel like im overflowing with confused emotion. bottled up feelings that have been building up for too long and i hope they dont come out wrong. i want you to care. and i want you to love me. and i want you to regret what you passed up. i want to know that you acknowledge everything. and i want so not remotely notice or care anymore. this is such a whirling hole and you only make me dizzier.
gone~
well let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all.
i can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling
and now the red ones make me fly and the blue ones help me fall
and I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling
and as the fragments of my skull begin to fall,
fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts...
i <3 mcr
current mood:  nervous
current music: my chemical romance - our lady of sorrows
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| Sunday, March 21st, 2004
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9:22 pm - a reminder of the day you discovered that even the softest words can't heal the deepest wounds...
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i just got back from the show which kicked some major ass.
the rundown:
- slowlands: they were good. i appreciated that they were different, just not my bag babbby!
- sarcasm: pretty darn awsome!
- stars hide fire: o-m-g. they just rocked so hard. such a great band! i got their cd which they signed and their shirt! im so cool
- bayside: awsomeee- very reminiscent of alkaline trio...but they were great, i enjoyed them so much!
- the reunion show: such a great band. they got the crowd going so much and it was awsome until kyle went into the pit for less than 3 minutes and came out with a bloody mouth! haha heez fine but the band was so great!
ok im out for now...
later~
couldnt you just laugh until you choke? i wish you would so your face could match your eyes: cold and blue and lifeless. how did i ever fall for you?
current mood: stuffed nose
current music: sarcasm - apologize
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8:22 am - hotnesss. . .
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You are a Punk Boy Kiss! You met your cutie at that
concert last week... Instead of bringin home
some CDs and a shirt... you brought home him!
What kind of Hot Boy Kiss are you??
brought to you by Quizilla
thought id add that :P!!
i also forgot to add in my last posts about the other night that kat saved me. had it not been for her, i dont know how that night would have turned out~ your one of my best friends and im so lucky to have someone like you to always watch over me when im a retarded asshole....I DIDNT DO IT! (heh)
last night was cool. i came home from michelles thing and thought i was grounded but then it turned out my mom let me go out and oppie had already gone into the city.
dave came over around 6 and we hung out, then i convinced my mom to let us leave the house cuz sheez paranoid. we went first to starbucks then to the LB diner. then back to starbucks (cuz were cool like that) and kyle called and said he was with a few people and was gonna meet us there. instead of just 2 or 3 people it was like 387,356,876. hah- it was funny/wierd cuz i was the only girl and i didnt even know 3 or 4 of the people who came, but it was still cool. me dave and myles went off for a bit onto the boardwalk and they toked up and i thought i would but only took 1 hit and i got high anyway. lol
everyone else met us up there and they did this little rap circle thing and it was picturesque in this strange way. i kept thinking i wish samantha was here!! she would tear these guys upp! hah ricky and kyle were battling and its so great that they can just be such great friends and such good sports about it! haha i didnt see kyle much last night. but the whole scene somehow reminded me of summer on the beach i guess even though it was friggin freezing!
then myles and dave walked back with me to my house and it was scary bc two of the guys that were with kyle were following us, but they said they knew who they were. dave and myles left and about 10 minutes later chris and ricky came over and stayed till around 12. i never hung out/talked to chris really before and heez one cool dude 8-) <--thats a cool face in case you didnt know.
that was a long synopsis of one night. eh suck it if u dont like it :P
tonight im going to the reunion show/stars hide fire with kyle and lili....party hardyy!
peacing out now...
later~
this is meant to hurt...
current mood: restless
current music: stars hide fire - still breathing
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| Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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5:01 pm - and for the record, i always was true. . .
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i have this sick sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach all day...not unlike one ive had many times before. its a haunting feeling, one of unsettlement and upset.
i feel like i want to erase yesterday from history, tear it from the book of existence. there is no explanation or rationalization for it. i suck.
i just came home from michelle's sweet sixteen where there was a psychic. she told me things that were more than true and scary. i didnt tell you everything because i cant. i didnt want to know or think about what she said to me because maybe i feared it so much.
my mom just had an interesting talk with me. i feel like throwing up now.
ive felt this way all day- no its not a hangover.
i want things to go back to the way they were. back to 6th grade when i still was oblivious to everything. i didnt know pain or heartache or loss. all i knew was my happy-go-lucky life which i would soon watch shatter to pieces in front of my eyes.
i think im going to lay off drugs again. ive had my fun...
according to my mother im different; im special. i honestly have no idea what she means by that. that scared me.
im upset now and i feel weird. im going to go change clothes and clean my room.
later~
ill give you one last chance to make this up to me. dont let this slide. i wont do this for anybody, not everybody. please dont leave me second-guessing whats on your mind cause my thoughts tend to betray you. so now's your time. your excuse is july just came and left. you want my forgiveness dont you? your attempts are pitiful at best. ive tried to put the past behind me, what do i get? cant stop this hurtful haunting...and my blood runs cold, and i wish someone would wrap theyre hands around my throat and squeeze hard to take me away with a jinx on his fate. thats the one thing i cant take.
current mood:  discontent
current music: go mordecai - check your blind spot birth right
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12:40 pm
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i dont deserve any friends, i suck at life, im an asshole. i hate me. im so sorry, i dont know if anyone believes me but im so sorry. i cant even say anything. i hate me so much and im just an asshole that cant handle myself. i act stupid and idiotic and i hate me and please no one be mad. i dont deserve any friends and i just suck....im not doing that again for a little while. im sorry...please forgive me...
current mood: sorry
current music: this day forward
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| Friday, March 19th, 2004
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11:38 pm - weirdness
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hullo all. im at sams with people that like me and didnt leAve. ok. so im bveing mean andbnthats not what iwant beAsue i wasnt ecvenryone to be opk./ sp i feel unloved as hell; but im, here with sam and ricky and chris and greg andf theyre teloling me about being hased by cops. dave is on his way. hess cpming now he said. i want evceyrone to be here and safe and ok and i miss everyoen who isnt here abnd i hiope arieele is ok. i love eveyrbaodyt and i love hwo helped me out tonight, ur all so imporaTTN to me and i rwalized wjo cares and who doesmnyt/ i lvoe all thbose who cRE nanmd utr im[porant to me i love you.
i have to go now, i have the munchies like whoa amd o jbae tpomhp
i love sam,e mlike whjoa!
later~
current mood: drunk/high/unloved/loved/wierd
current music: chirs
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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4:55 pm - for you and only you. . .
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im sitting in sams house now waiting for her to be done with her tutor and apparently i had too much time to think because i got massively depressed. i dont know what happened to my forever good mood.
i feel sick to my stomach with lonliness, but i dont understand because im not at all alone. i dont feel loved though and i wish i did. i know its silly because there are so many people who say they love me, i just dont feel it i guess. :( maybe its because im longing to be loved that way.
so many people have been asking me if im ok and whatnot, telling me i look down and depressed and i cant take it becuase i am but im not all at the same time.
ugh im so just sad right now, i need to be cheered up.
but i suppose this isnt out of the ordinary for me, i tend to cycle like this...whenever im too happy all i have to do is look into the past and think about situations and upset myself to the max. ughh, ive done a good job of that recently. im gonna go now, it feels like im fishing for sympathy when thats the last thing im doing...
later~
its only you beautiful or i dont want anyone if i can chose, its only you
current mood:  indescribable
current music: malibu's most wanted
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