i dont kno the last time i wrote i still never finished transfering my old journal. Im in NC now with my husband, woodley. Im on the PSP, so not alot of room. Mostly a myspace adik now, if neone does read this, my display name is mrs paul, the url is www.myspace.com/woodsboo

its quite an accurate word u kinda have to screw up ur mouth to say it awry it suits how i feel right now awry something isnt quite right amiss also works i think awry though is pretty simple. I'm not sure wuts wrong but i know that something feels wrong like maybe its not here yet but its coming. Or maybe its already here but I cant see it. Am i putting to much on going to Philli? Like that will be my answer. Maybe woodley made his recon test maybe im worried he will. What kind of girlfriend says i hope u fail sweetie take one for the team thats terrible isnt it? But its exactly wut I wanted to tell him like OMG WE ARE GETTING MARRIED AND U WANT TO GO TO TRAINING FOR 48 DAYS BEFORE U SECURE ME A RESIDENCE??????? arg thats selfish though and its also not his job I CANNOT absolutely CANNOT put him in the place of my parents because if i do that will make are whole relationship askew (another fun a word) maybe it was the dream the dream of my ex the one i know i dont want to be with cause he was so abusive telling me i had to marry him and his parents and i stood there yelling NO NO NO this is wrong i have to marry woodley I WANT TO BE MRS PAUL and they were like no ur supposed to be MRS ...... and then i woke up the phone rang. isnt it awesome how the phones never seem to ring or u never seem to wake up until the good part of the dream or maybe i just hit my rem cycle way to late and thats why but yea something is wrong with me or maybe its simple like i havent spoken to woodley for two days and i know i wont speak to him for another two maybe three cause hes in the feild...my dad used to go to the feild he didnt want to be around me when he came back though cause i guess he was all soldier mode needed to shower have sex and sleep the three S's every soldier seems to adhere to when first home from the feild. Maybe I'm making woodley my psychologically and physically tangible father....maybe i need to leave psychobably up to the psychiatrist.

hill - snow

cannonball - marine

sheets - sex

hill-obstacle

cannonball-military

sheets-relief

just a random passing thought but if you do read this i havent written in a very very very long time i thing wel not more then a few passing words, woodley came home my father found everything out and i was kicked out of my house so now i am just waiting to go to alaska my father is angry at everyone and everything and i just cant do anyhting about that. As i have explained to many people there is nothing I can do to appease my father and i just need to find my own happiness regardless of its affect on him. Woodley was amazing, very supportive. I really love him and it doesnt scare me..It helps me sleep at night and I just miss him so much now that he is gone....i wont see him until feburary of next year..such a very long time but then again nothing new, its not the first time we've gone what 4 months without seeing each other and its really only like 3 and half...I need to call his mother and speak to her before I leave ive been so busy packing and everything in fact thats what I have to finish doing I need ot tape up those rubbermaids fucking things dont snap right and I would hate to loose any of my stuph..bye

i had shingles that sucked ass i like barfed out my brains and my skin was like dying so yea that was terrible but then i got better and now im like super busy which is wonderful and my birthday is almost here ill be at the SOAD concert on friday woot and im just like wow i heard from woodley i love him soo much and all i can do is miss him i go to meps on wednesday and i set my date for basic im so nervous but ill live go to myspace and find me kayleigh is my display name i went to PTHS thats a good way to find me if you want to know more

krissee and i arent speaking still omg i cant stand this no krissee NO WOODLEY i just dont know what to do..do you?

I never got it, completely ya know I mean I understood it but not quite whaqt it could convey to me...that applies to so many many subjects now...Let me elaborate..


I never got that well when i graduated I graduated its done the whole kid thing over I mean I think my week at this Chrisitan Camp coming up in about three weeks is well like the last time I get to enjoy my childhood no im not legal yet but Im not like a complete child. I'm really worried about like I dont know just how I'm gonna handle this whole adulthood thing its scary...

I never got that its really damn hard to get ready for this navy thing...its taking like alot of work and I just I didnt Imagine it being this complicated to get everything Jake like it needed to be...

I never got the words to that song by Mariah Carey I told woodley once when we were curled up on the floor of krissees house that I thought she sounded whiny but I was wrong its not whiny its heartbroken and emotionally tortured...I mean when something happens to you to make you get it you almost wish you didnt understand....

I never really got that when hes left hed be gone..That I wont hear his voice for four months and that the only way I can talk to him is thorugh letters and this voicemail I saved of him talking so that I can hear him speak when I just cant take missing him this much and Im crying right now as i write this cause I just miss him so much...

I never got it..


The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, cause baby
(We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
Oh, baby baby, we belong together

I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
saying to me
"If you think you're lonely now"
Wait a minute
This is too deep (too deep)
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart

I'm feeling all out of my element
throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life, baby

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
Oh, baby baby, we belong together, baby

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
Cause we belong together

Who am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
Oh baby, baby
We belong together



Come home to me Woodley..I miss you..I love you..Kay Boo

THE PERFECT GUY SURVEY

1. hair color: dark black brown, rarely blond or red
2. eye color: brown, green
3. height: between 5'11 and 6'1
4. six pack: not mandatory but refreshing
5. long or short hair: short well kept unless short spikes no duckbills
6. glasses: i got rid of mine
7. piercings: ears, maybe a nipple
8. scars: cant help em
9. eyebrows: no unibrow ewww, but not girly shaped
10. big butt or little: i really give not a damn for a mans butt i guess having one is nice for overall appearance
11. chest hair: no..abosolutely not any body hair makes me go blek
12. buff or skinny: buff thick hefty strong i like a mans man, not like beer gut bob but no skinny boys cant feel like i might break him
13. straight teeth: mine are jacked how can i ask that of someone else.
14. funny or serious: funny but has to be capable of intelligence.
15. party or stay at home: half y half
16. should he cook or bake: cook.
17. should he have a best friend: sure but not a girl.
18. should he have a lotta girl friends: he can but he has to be realistic someone is bound to develop an emotion.
19. outgoing or shy: outgoing
20. sarcastic or sincere: both
21. should he love his mother: yep and mine.
22. should he watch chick flicks: well he wouldnt watch them with me.
23. would he be a smoker: no.. i like a guy who takes care of his body.
24. would he drink: me under the table? ... ocasionally
25. would he swear: fuck iuno
26. would he play with your hair: yes
27. one or more girls at a time: i am the center of attention
28. would he pay for dates: hed probably insist
29. does he kiss on the first date: yes, if he knew i wanted to
30. where would you go to dinner: anywhere were both comfortable
31. would he bring you flowers: yes
32. would he lay under the stars with you: frequently
33. would he write poetry about you: he does
34. would he call you hunny, sweetie, or baby: boo, kay boo i think works
35. would he hang out with you and YOUR friends: sure but i feel bad ignoring them lol
36. would you hang out with him and HIS friends: sometimes but id worr about him ignoring them
37. will he walk you to the door at the end: yes :)
38. holding hands: everywhere
39. soccer: if he knows how
40. baseball: i wont be at the games
41. basketball: gets him all heated and psrung its awesome specially if he wins
42. football: YES!
43. water polo: umm well hes not exactly one with the water
44. surf: still not one for water
45. skateboard: thatd be hilarious
46. snowboard: i could get him in the woods in winter on a hill omg that would be...ridiculous
47. sing: never stops
48. play guitar: cool
49. play piano: so sexy
50. play drums: ive got bongos
51. clean his room: and mine
52. paint, draw, sculpt: good insight
53. writes his own music: cool
54. use the word dude: sweet!
55. use the word tight: hehehe from time to time
56. would he watch the sun rise with you: we have to get up that early?
57. what kind of car does he drive: something with wheels stereo brakes and a stellar back seat
58. how old is he: hopefully my age+
59. what would his name be: Woodley PauL

here i am again i finally got use of a computer becuase the rodriguezes purchased a laptop i want a loptop i think im going to start saving for one over the summer cause i really just want my own computer...well what else.. imkinda bummed and all my room is really messy and that always kinda puts me in a bad mood i want it clean hopefully ill have time to do that tonyte i was way to tired yesterday to get nething done at all i might go for a walk with lela and jasmine and get the mail before my parents do so that i can prevent any stupid notice about going over on my bank account because ive already fixed it and yea i dont know that kinda pissed me off i just really wish i could get myself a p.o. box for all my mail to get sent to id really like that just to seperate myself from them slowly but surely and accurately...woodley wants to get married thats pretty awesome not any time soon but the wants there and that makes me feel pretty good.

Date:	2005-06-10 12:10
Subject:	new look
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

well ive cut my hair woodley saw it yesterday and he really liked it and that made me really happy. Krissee and I still arent talking and iuno wut to do about it I still dont really think its ever gonna get anybetter so why continue to bother with all the bullshit. I do want my CDS back and my pants and everything else.

My parents almost found out yesterday I got out of the car and they drove by and stopped and I didnt feel good for the rest of the night I mean there was a point where I definitely felt very very good but I was so very sure that it was the end of everything and when we do talk about it I want to talk talk about it not just like get caught becuase i dont like that right now it has to be so hush hush silence about everything I want to be able to say mom wanna go out with me and woodley or when my dad ask who im on the phone with not pick a friend but be like woodley..even if he just grunted to tell him would be wonderful.

Zakia almost had sex with rory that was pretty funny hahahaha still kinda gets me..

I thought the new look was good. New part of my life new part of the journal I need to finish all the other stuph adding in what i used to have I'm gonna put all that on my usb disk now and work on it..

I got the Corona pants!!!!

today all afterschool activites were canceled everyone must leave im going out with woodley God I hope I have a cover story...ARG thats the fuck part of it all

heres the songs
Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me
Do it in my van every Sunday.
She tells him she's in church but she doesn't go
Still she's on her knees and Scotty doesn't know!

Oh Scotty doesn't know!
So Don't Tell Scotty!
Scotty doesn't know!
Scotty doesn't know!
So Don't Tell Scotty!

Fiona says she's out shopping,
But she's under me and I'm not stopping...

Because Scotty doesn't know!
Scotty doesn't know! (X3)
So don't tell Scotty!
Scotty doesn't know!

Don't tell Scotty!

I can't believe he's so trusting,
While I'm right behind you thrusting.
Fiona's got him on the phone,
And she's trying not to moan.
It's a three-way call and he knows nothing!

Scotty doesn't know!(X3)
So don't tell Scotty!
Scotty doesn't know!(X3)

We'll put on a show!
Everyone will go!
Scotty doesn't know!(x3)

The parkin lot
Why not? It's so cool when you're on top!
His front lawn in the snow
Life is so hard because Scotty doesn't know!

We did it on his birthday...

Scotty doesn't know!(X4)

Scotty doesn't know!
Scotty won't know!
Scotty doesn't know!
Scotty's gotta know!
Gotta tell Scotty!
Gotta tell him myself!
Scotty doesn't know! (X10)


[Chant] Scotty doesn't know! (x7)
[Chant] Scotty's gotta go

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...

i wonder just how many songs that line is in but i seem to like every song that its in so i think its a subliminal phrase someday ill rearrange it and find out...

but it is all in my head like my random paranoia that woodley and i wont last thats all in my head its one big mind game established by myself to insure that i cant sleep some nights...this boy loves me so much and i love him so much like i dont know it scares me about what i would do with out it so i try and do unessacary premptive damage control for an imaginary situation that might or might not happen i just i wish i could be more optimisitic about the things i really enjoy..like i know what i want for us but i think of all the obstacles to come and i think about how much i cant stand aspects of the military and i just wish i could stop dwelling on random possibility.

I graduate from highschool in....15 days...june 21 and thats the end of it all for me. I dont know im not worried...not yet..not nervous...not yet..i think as soon as im done with all this school work as soon as my powerpoint is finished ill be freaked out ill be worried ill be nervous... at the same time everything is figured out for me im going military and im going to be with woodley and hell be military and that makes me feel secure and safe and i like that..ALOT. I like that i know just what im doing and i like that i have someone doing it with me..and im in love with him

Next week are my exams i have 4 exams algerbra 3, humanities, US II, gym. So on monday and tuesday i have to be here and i will be here for the entire day, wed ill be here for half the day proly go tan and baby sit i need to go tan like at least four times before next thursday preferably three times because i want to be nice and dark on thurs cause im going to...THE POOL! THE MALL! and THE MOVIES...i wanna have a really cute outfit too because i want to look really nice when i go to SIX FLAGS for a concert with WOODLEY o yea sexy sexy times i think if he wants ismael and ghadavi to go to that would be cool i just dont want nething like to get started and i better get a gift to cause like im pretty friggin psyched about it being 6 mo since we first got invovled and 9 mo unofficially and a year and 3 mo since we met....but if he dont get me nething thats cool i just want to make out with him..alot and talk to him alot and be held by him all the time....I can pick up my graduation stuph next week that will be cool but i ned to pay off my 16 dollar obligation to the school and my grandmother will be here on friday and that will be fun im thinking on the 18th they might be all so busy that i can just slip out that will be awesome....i really want to see that concert i really want to chill with woodley...

after i graduate ima being nuthing but babysitting working working out and hanging with woodley and krissee everynow and then but pretty much working and working out i dont know when my MEPS day is gonna be i dont know what job ima do i just really want that figured out right now...

Date:	2005-05-27 12:38
Subject:	yea k
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

umm i think i might have just posted something blank i wont know until i get there tonyte is prom i am not going i am not sad about this i really dont enjoy dancing yes i was insulted krissee did not let me in because i am psychoatically competitive with her and that was jus a one up she has on me but i mean iuno we are talking again whihc is nice becuase we do have fun together as much as we annoy the fuck out of one another i have meps next week i do believe and im so scared like fucking frightened outa ma damn mind to get my blood drawn but the night before i will get to chill with woodley and that makes everything like SOOO worth it i cant wait to see him i work like all next week except for thurs and fri but sat sun mon tues wed sat sun work alll work and mon is double pay so thats really great im tired i have to pee i need to go to the gyrm i want to see my boyfriend and im not going to school on tues because its my skip day and fuck them all

i never knew about death metal chrisitan music i think thats quite amazing

BOW WOW (f/ Omarion) LYRICS

Let Me Hold You


[JD Talk]
[Bow Wow]
This What You need to Do Girl ...

LET ME HOLD YOU

I been watching you for a minute
come through here so sweet centered
In life girl you need me in it
IM determined to win it
I know what you need
I know what's wrong
I know how to make it tight
Everything will be all right
If ya
LET ME HOLD YOU
And Introduce you to my world
And Introduce you to the better side of life that you aint been seeing girl
Ima show you where its at
And Ima show you how to get it
all you got do is be wit it and
LET ME HOLD YOU
Down like a real mans supposed to
I never would have approached you
If I aint have intentions on doing good
See dude you wit is so fooled
To me girl your so cool
And all Im asking you to do is
LET ME HOLD YOU
Down like a best friend and two homies in the game
When you cry I wanna feel your pain
No Secrets , No Games
All Excitement , Nothing Plain
Keep you happy
Thats my aim
And all you gotta do girl is
LET ME HOLD YOU

[Chorus]
In My arms In my mind all the time I wanna keep you right by my side till I die im gonna hold you down and make sure everything is right wit you
you can never go wrong if you
LET ME HOLD YOU
down like a real friends supposed to im trying to show you the life of somebody like you should be living
OOOooHHhh Baby Baby
you could never go wrong If you let me hold you

[Bow Wow]
Ima Keep you up on whats popping and shake you fresh to death
when we hit the mall we can ball till theres no more left
I know you aint used to it but you gon get used to it
cause that's the only way im a do you and just
All my hommies think Im tripping cause I got you a pad
see they just mad cause they aint get you
they aint get you
SCORPIO is your sign and girl your so fine
And i would do whatever in no time
LET ME HOLD YOU
No Shine
Its what your coming with but Ima change all that
Rearrange that
Put you in the range all black
with the rims to match
phone attached
TVs in the back
How you gon say no to that? Huh
LET ME HOLD YOU
Niggas Look at me like now here you go
really bout to blow some doe
But ain't nobody did it before so why is you so go hold it
Cause I believe this was meant to be
I just gotta work at it
like a crack attic up in rehab

[Chorus]
In My arms In my mind all the time I wanna keep you right by my side till I die im gonna hold you down and make sure everything is right wit you
you can never go wrong if you
LET ME HOLD YOU
down like a real friends supposed to im trying to show you the life of somebody like you should be living
OOOooHHhh Baby Baby
you could never go wrong If you let me hold you

[Bow Wow]
down down around
Atlanta Lanta
Fah Found
And everybody know now what Im tryna do
I say
down down around
Atlanta Lanta
Fah Found
Im just tryna get you to
LET ME HOLD YOU

[Bow Wow]
down down around
Atlanta Lanta
Fah Found
And everybody know now what Im tryna do
I say
down down around
Atlanta Lanta
Fah Found
Im just tryna get you to
LET ME HOLD YOU

[Chorus]
In My arms In my mind all the time I wanna keep you right by my side till I die im gonna hold you down and make sure everything is right wit you
you can never go wrong if you
LET ME HOLD YOU
down like a real friends supposed to im trying to show you the life of somebody like you should be living
OOOooHHhh Baby Baby
you could never wrong If you let me hold you

Date:	2005-05-17 17:58
Subject:	ugg
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated

wut to do wut to do i dont kno i kno nothing krissee isnt speaking to me im not sure how i feel about that i thought we might have grown out of this stage BUT obviously not soooo now im caught ont he decision of do i go army, wut i kinda want for health purposes, or do i go navy, what my father wants and what may benefit me because if woodley is a marine which is a department of the navy well then i mean so much simpler to get stationed together thats all i want is to be with him i cant take this whole not being with him thing much moreany longer i miss him so much all the time hes always on my mind and i know that the next time i do see him theres gonna be some rapin goin on lol....

Date:	2005-05-16 12:29
Subject:	dejected
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

woodley had his meps thing for amrines today God i hope he passed more then anything cause im so worried about hwat will happen to us if he doesnt pass i mean i really just dont know

krissee is goin to prom didnt tell me never intended to tell me i thought that was real fuckin beat but ya know w/e she got her damn complex on one uping me ive got a man better then hers ever was and thats all that matters in the end and im just really hurt and upset she did that but w/e ill get over it like every fuckin thing else


wanting just to be at peace and happy

Date:	2005-05-13 12:42
Subject:	sometimes
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

sometimes shit suck sometimes you just really want the few things you just cant have but well thats the way it goes


woodley and i are ok i think i hope God between the two of us and our raging paranoia i dont know how we do it we are always worried about surviving all this and we will to deep in to much to loose just cant

im going into the army i weighed 164.5 on monday....i weight 155 today...thats pretty unhealthy but well sometimes thats how life goes

ppl got upset with me for having sex with other ppl u kno fuck it fuck it all because im comfortable in my sexuality with woodley and will as often and whereever i want thats the way that goes

those shcemes i participated in well...i got caught really bad at the worst one possible i got caught with the cell phone which was in my moms name which i used and i got caught cause i called my house and 4 hours later it registered with my dad that the name below the phone number was not mine and that was the end of that all fucking hell broke the fuck loose my family wants to put me in jail omg im so honeslty fucking scared i cant believe that i just omg i dont know what to do there is nothing for me to do....im just fucking stuck....i didnt spend the day with woodley on sat i just chilled all day but omg he came to see me on tues and i was sooo hapy omg ive never been so happy as i was having him here with me at school God that was wonderful thats all i want is just to be able to be with him now i just want all this shit done and over with I want my mom to stop huirting God i feel terrible for hurting her i know i feel worse for hurting her then she ever did when she broke my heart and let it get broken my dad was like stop being angry at me now ur mom and i talk she makes these decisions too i was thinking to myself you know these decisions never came about until you got invovled i.e. its still ur damn fault.....somone so willing to see me unhappy im supposed to give up everything for them God im so tired of being unhappy because of them....i just hope things are better for Sam then they were for me i just hope he takes better care of Him in this part of his life not that God isnt taking care of me i just want him to be smarter then i was about my actions or maybe im to smart God im always such a fucking liar maybe sam just needs to be average nothing extordinary to him like ppl always claim for some reason there is about me because i jsut fuck everything up


fuck