So here I am
I am in vero beach.. at the vero beach womens refuge...
im a changed woman... looking back at my past on here made me laugh and realize how much i was a fool! i tried too hard to be accepted!!!
but im ok now! lol
i am totally accepted in christ!!
Searching and wanting for some closure
Waiting for some object to cure me
Trying so hard to find my way
Will divine interventions help me along the way?
Or will I have to stumble among the brambles
I searched and yet to find
The perfect peace
The perfect love
The perfect fun
How may I find these wondrous things?
I searched through people
I looked through religions
I experienced through drugs
I am still searching and yet wonder
Is it like finding the meaning of life?
Or is it right under my nose
Just waiting for me to stop searching
So I may truly discover it
It is such a mystery
I have yet to solve
I wind through my mind
Yet to just come up with tears
Damaging my emotions
ok im having a hard time here.
im literally in love with one guy my boyfriend. but this one guy i have really liked to the point of i probably loved him a year ago is back into my life. he is a good friend but everytime i talk to him i get the felin again. i dont like it. i love my bf AND even though he only has a few flaws... i want to work with him on them.
for example. he never graduated hs. i want to work with him on getting his GED but he uses every excuse in the book not to get it. and his job. they treat him ok but it doesnt pay well. and when he went out to get a job, he was so damn picky. he wont work at the places that will hire him! he works full time and yet his paycheck is so little. and he is tooo obsessed with computer games. i know im obsessed with a couple web sites but i dont spend 6 hours straight playing on them.
and omg. he hates going out to public places it seems. i mention hey why dont we go to the mall. he answers i hate the mall. i say why dont we go to the movie. he says you have to pay for yourself. i mention dinner. he says he cant afford the dinner for two. im tired of it. i kno he has been good with paying the rent and bills. but we need to go out!!!
but on the other hand. he loves me and would do anything for my well being. and he even understands that im one girl who isnt too crazy for sex. i mean if a girl goes thru as much surgeries and treatments on her cervix as much as i do they would be the same way. and it seems that he wont initiate sex anymore because he doesnt want to be turned down... but i like it when he ititiates it. its twisted but it tells me he still wants to have sex with me. he even tells me im still perfect to him when i have gained weight. he is just so sweet but i dont kno if he is right for me.
i want o be a teacher. and ill be going back to school in the summer. and that means ill have to quit one of my jobs. which means i wont be able to do my own little things which make me happy. like concerts and shopping sprees. i try to tell him to try to get a second job so that we can go together. and he says he hates concerts and social gatherings. it quite bugs me.
i know you guys are woindering where the other guy fits in. it is here. while im ranting he is int he back of my mind. it is like im comparing my bf to him. its driving me crazy. the guy is sweet and nice. he really knows how to make me feel better when i break it off with someone or they break up with me. for heavens sake he let me beat him up when my first real boyfriend broke up wiht me, the day before our 5 months and on a 3 hr car bus ride to a concert. and when my own father called me a whore, he was there comforting me. when most of my friends turned their backs on me he was there to give me a hug and to say that ill find better friends and ill live better than them. he was there when my mother stole my littel brother away from me. he talked on the phone wiht me for a few hours and calmed me down. then he drove all the way like 4 hours to come and made sure i was going to be ok for the night. he stayed the night and watched over me. and held me. he swollows his pride to do things to survive. he goes out of his way to help me. he would even cancell hanging out with friends to be with me. i dont kno. im soo confused.
well i better quit while i ahead or ill end up falling even more in love with the other guy. lol
peace out... oh and what do u think i should do?!?!?!?!?!
ok today got off to a weird start...
i fell asleep on the couch last nigth so when my bf left for work he was sad cuz i didnt sleep on the bed. then i went to the bed and fell asleep. then i woke up at 10 and got ready... i had to run lots of errands before my cryro therapy. i had to go to the health nurse and get my tb test looked at. then after that i had to go to the lab and have blood drawn to check out my hemo gram and to see what my heart risk assesment was. then i had to go to staffing because of the fact that now that im on light duty i had to go and fill out paper work so i can be a sitter. they do not accept me as a cna now cuz there is no light duty cna work. so after that i only had 30 mins before my cyrotherapy so i only got to eat a granola bar. then when i got to the docs for my threatment.. i got nervouse...
wouldnt you?? i have gasses blown onto my cervix untill it is frozen solid.. then they friggin scape off alot of the outer portion of my cervix. then they let it thaw. then they freez it again. and chip away more. then they let it thaw. keep in mind the whole time the spectrum is in there putting tons of pressure on the walls of me. i was in pleeenty of pain from that let alone laying on my back ,that hurts keep i mind, for 20 mins. i wanted to friggin go nuts. why did i have to be cursed?? why did i have to suffer thru sugerys and cyrotreatments just to probably have the cancerous cells come back. ahhhhhhhhhh
but good thing is that im finally on the patch. lol
and im not preggers
man i have soo many hles in my arm from labs i look like i was doing drugs... lol
oh and yeah.. im still in pain and i had the treatment ummm.... 6hrs ago.... yeah. no fun.
i havent moved from the couch in 5hrs.. lol my butt is numb...
hey will someone get me the remote?? wait no one is home....
i actually had a good time last night...
i went to youth. i had fun and felt accepted. then when dan was speaking he mention about how we need to act.. not just pray.. maybe that is what im missing.. is my actions....
buut he also mentioned about how when someone is missing for a few months and no one calls to c how they are doing. i kno!! i was one of the peeps who went missing.. no one called at all!!!! laura hit on a few good points on her lesson too!!
then after youth we all went to sonneys bbq. that was fun i felt good and welcome there too.. man i have missed that alot. after sonneys every one was tlaking about goign over to the cox's and i felt kinda out of it... but i decided to go anyways. and i had fun. only a few people were playing dnd.. and i sat there and talked to brittany for a while. it was awsome. i hated having to go home.
now for my rant
i hate my car!!!!!!!!!!!
ok first off.. the ignition switch wouldnt turn!!!! 2x!!!
then the trunk randomly popped open.and since then it hasnt closed. it keeps opening.. i had to tape it closed to drivehome.. i was crying it made me soo frustrated....
then.. hts morning.. dad friggin woke me up at 530... and started yelling at me to clean my room and to get focussed and everything ... he was telling me to do things that i was allready planning to do today.. except he wanted meto get it done now!! he wanted me to wake up at 6 and do them right then and there. i was like.. are you kidding me... my alarm was allredy set at 730!! why did he have to make me wake up so friggin more earlier...
i dont need all this stress.. im allready snapping...
i seriously am. i started shaking this morning wanting to just scream at dad this morning for being absolutley ridiculous. he said he was going to wake me up at 6 every morning... what the crap!!!
i serously am getting tired of all this stress. i need a vacation. like don i need a vacation.. except i need to get out of my house and away from my family.
i dont kno why.... but i was snapping at everyone at work yesterday.. including my boss.. it seemed i was doing it with out knowing it.. .and when i realized i had snapped at EVERYONE... i frikin bawled my eyes out apoligizing to everyone... i am an emotional basketcase. i think it just now hit me about having to have surgery NEXT WEEK, so im kinda on edge.... it will be my first surgery ever!! i havent even gotten my tonsils out... let alone getting a huge chunk taken out of my friggin cervix.... why the frick do these things happen to me.. i mean.. im like the only person my age to have a full time job with a 401k and yet working another job also.. i am the only person my age to be stuck at home because im grounded... everyone my age are free... everyone my age areent in as much crap as i am in... ill admit it
I AM SCARED!!!
what can i do?? i feel as htough im still slacking in my life with christ... probably because i cant even goto friggin church anymore... and yet i have no enthusiasm to read the bible.. i am a real slacker.. i dont feel liek reading anythnig besieds whay is interesting online... i havent read any books in like over 6 months.. i am horrible...
i feel like i have become stupider everyday. what am i to do? i am so confused..
i feel like more and more of my friends have stopped even looking at anyhting i wrte or say anymore...
it seems like people at youth are only nice to me now when they see me. no one calls.. answers my calls or even helps me out in my troubled times.
I FEEL ALONE.
the only people who have wanted to hang out with me the past 2 weeks are.... totall strangers... and stacey and dj my piercer and his gf.
I AM A HEAD CASE
im going crazy... this is freaking me out about how everyone has turned their backs... what happened to the good times??
well im outta here before i start crying...
ok.. this is an extrme emergency to me
my car will cost me $1,600 to fix
i only have 500
i have $600 worth of med bills and other bils due soon
and im now cut off from my comp...
this is my last time ill ever be able to use my comp again for a while most likeely
im under huge groundation
im basiclaly under house arrest with my father...
i need another job
a second job... but my car wont be fixed till next week
sooo if anyone is willing to give me rides to placesit would be greatly appreciated
i need rides to places to get a job. i need help.. this is my cry out... ive helped many others in need
now is your turn
i need help
lost in the dark night
gets my mind entangled
in spinning webs
of dangerous thoughts
that haunt the mind
of the shadows of darkness
i was washing this patient today and when i was holding her hand when she was telling me she felt like she was about to die... she did. i was a wreck. butat least she dieed with a smile and someone to hold her hand. i had to clean the pt and bag her too. that made me cry soo hard. two deaths in 3 days. what a great start to a new year....hear the sarcasim??
omg. i have like so many bills due next week... with only 400 in the bank... i have ins...130....pymt...150...cell bill... 84... then school bill... 290..... im broke! and over drawn!
ive got a head ache the size of alaska right now
but its getting better
hey anyone up to doing anything?? i need to get my htoughts off of today... call me!!!!!!!
I dealt with my first dead person... and thier family
...................made me sad....................
man i thinki just made a mess of things... two people ihad previosly dated now wants to date me again... one is goign back to aruba... the other i really care about... but i dont wan tto hurt the other guys feelings... but oh well... as long as i can visit him in aruba! lol
yeah im al little confuzed all of a sudden i have like 3 guys going after me... one whom i dont even kno and the others are explained at the top. wow... lol
but im actually now dating the one whom i care about. lol cuz yeah he was the one whom broke up with me after only 2 days. cuz he didnt like the age differnece. then last night we got back togethter cuz he htought about it and decided age doesnt matter.
well yeah im glad he actually though about it. esp with me freaking out over him being in the hospital! lol i guess that showed him how much i cared for him. it only took him like 3 weeks to realize this. lol
i love you everyone! my life is getting alot better now! *blows a kiss at each and everyone of yall*
omg i llooked soo hott at the winter foormal! and the after party roked! lol i made fun of the silly drunk people. and i wasnt even tempted to drink! isnt that wonderfull! i overcame temptation! plus the whole time i even thought about alchol i saw chris looking at me and saying that my drinking habits wil ruin everything i have going for me. so i didnt drink the whole night!
welli got to clean my room!
you are the blood running through my veins.
you are the streets that made me this way.
in you ive lost and regained faith but in my silence i'll never betray.
these are the streets where men are made.
where our values are sometimes plagued into temptation i dwell for days.
and i cant stop, wont stop living by the gun.
never one to run from my fears.
cant stop livin this way and i know what my life means to me.
i see theres things that shouldnt be,
i see theres still hope for me.
but i see myself in these streets and i try but i cants stop.
you say theres still time but i wont stop.
and i know theres still hope for me.
but i see myself in these streets.
i pray theres hope for me
i miss hanging out with dain lewis tony mel n brooks. why dont anyone call me anymore??
maybe im just a looser who went into the deepend and after that no one wants me back.
i want to be accepted agian....
i dont like being out of the loop....
im going to cry
i survived the hurricane!! we finally got power back yesterday.. so now i have water power and no fence int he back yard.. thats all... lol my dads girlfriend on the other hand... well her house is going to be new when were done with it... her front porch flew up and crushed her a/c unit on her roof. and lifted her roof so now her carpert is ruined... so we will replce a roof a/c unit carpeting fence and som wother minor things... sux!!!
my hair is pink! i have hot pink highlights in it... dad freaked! lol but yeah its no laughinh matter... it was sopposed to be dark red but it turned magenta pink.... dad is making me get my hair professionally dyed back... phooey..
bcc is cool thus far in classes... my first class on mondays is mr harvey. my anatomy teach. he is funny and very understandable.. i heqard he was really good!!
my second class on mondays is math with ms. huff. she is a spitfire! lol she sounds like she is drunk but she is helarious. a little fast but that is ok i catch on quick.
today i have successstrat for college and life and i have com 1 forgat teachers names cuz i havent been in clss yet.. lol but yeah im excited...
last night after class i went to the mall and i got three new shirts from hollister... and with a employee discount it was friggin 46.XX!! 50 buck!! insane! and today im getting my hair dyed i think... well at least we are buying the dye. im just getting redish highlights.
this is really nervouse for me... lol my friends are taking me over and want to make me over.. itll only last a week i bet.. lol well yeah i have to go and get ready for college... i enjoy sleeping in till whenever i want on mondays and wendsdays.. but i have to wake up early to be at bcc at 1050 on tues and thurs. well catch yall laters!! byes
i love you guys.... call me!!! i miss your calls.. i miss hanging out with the people whom arent a bad influence... i miss my church buds.. it seems like im going further from yall.. please call me and snap me out of my morbid state!!
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