Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in Sweetness' Blurty:

Sunday, October 19th, 2003
12:05 am	Firsts My FIRST hurricane.... I can't believe I lived through a hurricane. When I was living in New York, hurricanes were just a thing of myths that you heard about on TV. Being in one was so completely terrifying. If Ash hadn't shown up..... Well I don't know what I'd have done. It's funny how much safer you can feel when you're in danger just by being held in someone's arms. It didn't matter that if the cabana had blown over or gotten tossed in to the ocean, I know of course he wouldn't have been able to help me any more than I'd have been able to help myself... but I felt safer all the same. I'll always remember that night. Not just because of the storm... but moreso because of what happened between us. It was so... amazing. I'm glad we waited so long, because it was more meaningful between us than it would have been before. Not just sex. It meant something. I know it did. I could tell by the way he held me.. and looked in my eyes. Our first time was special. He's even called me every night since! We're supposed to go out tonight. I can't wait to see him. I just have a really good feeling about this. Maybe Daddy will even grow to like him after he sees that we're really in love. Love. Does it seem like it's too soon to use that word? I don't think so. I mean... we've been hanging out for like... three months. And now we've MADE love.... I wouldn't have done that if I didn't love him deep down inside. I'm not like that. I should start getting ready. He'll be here soon. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Friday, September 5th, 2003
11:21 pm	Great Moments in Parenting Damon: ::A terrible niggling idea had been wriggling its way into Damon's mind that day. He could not rid the nauseating image of that little rat slobbering all over his baby girl. He did not want such a thing to happen...but he knew that it was an inevitable fact of life. Damon was worried that he had yet to prepare his daughter for the cruel reality of sex...he shuddered, he didn't want to discuss it with her. He'd rather pop in a video into her TV and make her watch it than to actually have to say anything. This had "hell" written all over it. Damon poured himself a glass of Crown Royal and drained it in one swallow, steeling his nerves for the task ahead. Sure, it'd make Dakota feel weird, but it was already making Damon feel weird. Goddamnit, being a parent to a teenage girl was impossible. The nervous father found his way to Dakota's private bungalow, knuckles rapping against the door before he turned the knob and let himself in. denim hues were glued to the floor, just in case it was an inopportune time to enter. The Crown Royal was churning in his stomach, and his palms felt clammy. He wanted to just turn around and go back to his office and have another drink. Damon would have rather worried about the subject for the next few years until his daughter figured things out for herself...but sometimes people have to do things that they really, really, really don't want to do.:: Dakota: -Dakota, oblivious to the newest chapter of fatherly embarrassment that she was about to be subjected to, had been busy getting ready for bed when she heard the knock in her door. A little brow quirked up as the finished scrubbing her teeth and gurgled a little water.... setting her brush back in place. A quick glance in the mirror and sweep of tiny palms made sure that recently washed and dried and brushed blonde was pulled up into a little ponytail and within the minute she'd pulled the door open. The curious smile set on to glossed over Cupid's bows fell into a half annoyed frown as she saw that it was her father and...well... not anyone else on the planet, but like a good little daughter she stepped aside and let him in.- Whaddayou want? -Before she got an answer Dakota turned, maneuvering to the other side of the little living room to plant her pink pajama pants clad rear on to a cushion of the couch and fingers again went to work, this time trying to pull her far-too-tight white tank top a little lower against her wane rib cage- Damon: ::Just the greeting he had expected and he gave her a half smile that lit up his clean shaven face.:: Good evening to you too, apple of my eye. ::He responded, in a matching Yankee brogue. His humor soon dissolved into discomfort as he remembered what he had come there for. And why did she have to wear that skimpy stuff? He wasn't comfortable with the idea of his daughter growing into a woman, he wanted to keep her in footsie pajamas for the rest of her life. But as fate would have it...she was maturing... damnit. It made him sad that she was no longer 'daddy's little girl,' it made him sad that she no longer wanted to be. Damon supposed that that was the natural course of things though, as shitty as it was. He joined her, sitting on the opposite side of the couch, looking very uncomfortable the whole time. He leaned forward, elbows on jean clad knees, his fingers tented together momentarily as he thought of a good ice breaker. Sorry, Damon, no ice breakers for this little talk. Once he was done floundering in that false hope he finally just dove in:: Dakota...we need to have a talk. I know you are getting interested in boys...as you proved to me yesterday. But, honey, you have to be careful-and you have to understand it all. You see...sometimes...when a man loves a woman he tries to show her...::He began to fall back on the old speech about birds and bees until he remembered his own outlook on the idea of his daughter having sex with anyone::...but that was in the past. That doesn't happen anymore. Boys are evil, the only thing that boys think about is sex and how to get it from you. They can't help that they are evil, it's like a special retardation that God gives each boy at birth...::He trailed off, and was forming more thoughts on the evilness of boys to spout off to her, hoping to get it all out before Dakota could break in.:: Dakota: -Could Dakota help it if she was blossoming in to a rather attractive little thing? Or that her old clothes seemed a little more tightly pulled against the newer curves they were worn upon? Of course not. But she did see the disapproving hint in Daddy's eyes when she wore... well just about anything that she owned. Now was no different, and she simply ignored the fact that he protested the way she wore her pajamas. It wasn't like anyone else saw her in them! She stared at him through his preparatory silence... fidgeting a bit in her seat as he stared back. Dakota loved her father. She really did. She'd always been a Daddy's girl... and while she was at that phase in her life where they didn't see eye to eye on... well anything... that didn't mean she wouldn't always BE a Daddy's girl. She'd been expecting him to come in here and lecture her at some point on the Ashton subject. That was unavoidable. It might have been if the guy hadn't been laying on top of her when he was introduced to Daddy dearest.... and then there was the mortification of her bikini bottom getting pulled half off in the resulting scuffle. But this... "The Talk"??? Well she hadn't seen that coming, and before he got two sentences in to his "Boys are evil" tirade, Dakota was lost in laughter, fingers clenching at her giggle aching tummy as she lolled back onto the cushions behind her- Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh GOD Daddy.... are you serious? Damon: As a heart attack. Dakota, listen to me. ::he cleared his throat trying to speak through his daughter's fit of laughter, that had not been the reaction he was expecting, he was trying to regroup his soldiers of thought to go into battle again...witty verbal guns blazing...but thus far the whole blazy gun thing had only succeeded in being lukewarm sling shots.:: Ahhh...lets say this. Boys are after...your muffin, they want to take it before any other boy does. But you have to save that muffin, and treasure it until you find a boy that isn't as evil as the rest, and that I don't want to kill, and when you marry him you can give him that muffin, and it will be special, because he will be the only one. But even your husband will be evil because boys are obsessed with muffins, they need them all the time. You know how much I like pineapple? Well, that's how much evil boys like muffins. ::He rubbed a hand over his forehead and over his eyes, having no idea that his daughter was not a virgin anymore. In fact he didn't want to know that she had given up her "muffin," it would just blow his mind, and he'd go hunt down and kill the muffin eater:: Dakota: -Oh this was priceless. She wished she had a video camera running so that she could save this moment forever. It was the most idiotic (and entertaining) speech that she could have ever imagine her father coming up with. Her laughter was uncontrollable.... words barely managing to get sputtered past gasping tiers as she deprived herself of much needed oxygen through torrents of giggles- my....muffin?!?!? -That well rounded rear end of her had slipped off the couch as she fell to half balance on her back and literally roll with laughter. God... she loved her father. She did. But he didn't have a clue. Not that'd she'd give him one. No.. Dakota wasn't a virgin anymore. She hadn't been since last Valentine's Day when her last boyfriend back in New York had managed to convince her it was.... time to give him her muffin. Not that her father ever ever EVER needed to know that. She didn't want him knowing what she'd done with Ryan and more than he wanted to know that his little princess had been indulged in by one of his evil side of the species. God.. she couldn't breathe... but she tried. Tried hard.. gasping out softly- Yes... Daddy... you're right. I'll keep them all far far away from my muffin. Damon: ::He ignored the fact that she was laughing. he wanted to think that he had done a good job, so he convinced himself that her laughter was out of shock and awe for the wisdom he had imparted to her. He remained quite as she cackled, trying to catch her breath. Wow, Damon you did a damn good job with this. He listened to her, trying to comprehend her words strangled with the throes of overwhelming amusement. It might have been a lot easier for him if she was a little more serious about this, and would sit up on the couch. But then again, he had convinced himself that he was a parenting genius.:: Well...good. I'm glad we understand each other now. ::he smiled and stood, ready to get the hell out of there, he retreated to the door:: Good night Dakota, I love you sweet heart. ::He left her bungalow, walking through the clear night back to his office for a little drinky drink, thinking all the way about how great he was at parenting.:: Dakota: -She managed to crawl up from her sprawl upon the leather and stop her father just before he left. Arms went up to curl around him and she nestled in against his back, hanging there for a moment as she breathed out through a still highly amused grin- I love you too Daddy..... sweet dreams...... -Awwwwwwwwh... now there was something you didn't see all too often. Okay... maybe he wasn't the best parent on the planet.... but her dad tried. She'd give him credit for that... at least in this instant. Plus this had been a Daddy/Daughter moment that she'd never ever forget. She almost wished he'd gone on longer. She hadn't laughed that hard in months.- Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
1:32 am	revelations Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Okay... maybe not the worst but it ranked right up there with the worst of them. And the strangest part of all of it is that it kinda helped me make a decision about something. First... I've been hearing rumors that Ms. Frost was... seen... like... out with my dad. The kids are saying stuff... and knowing my asshole womanizing father... that might explain why she seems to hate me so much. Do I have proof? Well she gave me a week's detention yesterday for being like.. 30 seconds late coming back from lunch. I had to go to the bathroom and there was a line since this school is so lame that it only has like 2 stalls!!! It wasn't like I was out vandalizing the building or something. After school I had to go straight home as I have been every day for the last two weeks since I've been grounded for sneaking out. For the first time since then I talked Daddy in to letting me go spend some time along on the beach... so there I went while he was headed to a meeting across the island.....and I started reading this book I was assigned to read for class. Stupid book report... it's called 1984. It must have been written like a million years ago because they thought the world would be all crazy by now. It's boring as all Hell. But I got some good work done on my tan while I was reading the first couple of chapters... .... Then Ashton showed up. He'd left me a note a few days ago saying he was going to come by. He said he missed me. Which was nice. I kinda thought he hated me. But he didn't.. because after we talked a little he started kissing me, which was really nice. Really nice until Daddy showed up and yanked him off me. Ash said something to him that I can't even remember now and Daddy punched him in the face! I seriously think he might have a broken nose. A black eye at the very least. Daddy chased Ash away, but before he left he whispered to me that he'd call me. I'm not sure if Daddy heard that or not. He sent me to my room though... and I sat there for awhile.. then I went to go talk to him about it. I'm sick of being treated like a little kid. I'm 17 years old now!!!! He thinks I'm some little kid... he thinks I don't know anything about.. well anything. But when I got there to talk to him... Sutton was there. Apparently he's working for my dad now. And apparently Daddy told him about Ashton. I'm not really sure why that would have come up in his business conversation, but right when Sutton looked at me... I knew he knew. He looked so hurt, and I felt so bad... and I had to stand there and pretend I didn't know who he was because Daddy was there. Daddy knows I snuck out. He has no idea his business partner was the person I was sneaking out WITH. But Sutton left... and I told Daddy I was going for a run... and I went to try and explain.. apologize ... figure out where we stood I guess. He basically told me I had to choose. So I did. And I didn't choose him. I didn't WANT to choose at all.. but I guess it wasn't fair not to. He made me feel like the biggest cheating heart breaker in the world. I don't know if he meant to.... we went out like.. twice! And the first time was more.. just meeting up at that party... I don't know why Sutton likes me so much. He...like... really really looked really really upset. I cried like a big baby. I like Sutton. I know he's too old for me.. and I know he'd be in huge trouble if Daddy found out. Like... locked up in jail kind of trouble. Not that it matters now. And we didn't really have anything in common... but I like him. He made me feel... comfortable. Safe. For the first time since I've been on this island. And I hurt him. I feel like shit. But I realized something after that. And after today when this new guy started at school. Dyllan. He's gorgeous... and my age... he was passing notes with me.. and I got him in trouble so he was stuck in lunch detention with me. Ms. Frost took the notes up and the picture he drew (of me.. it was so pretty)... and she said next time she'd read the notes out loud to the class. And in detention he kinda told me he liked me and said all of these nice things and I kinda let him know I wasn't really available... but we're gonna be friends. I SO need a friend. And I realized... if I could take losing someone I like as much as Sutton... and if I could turn down the cutest boy in school... then I must really like Ashton. Like really really like him... right? So maybe I'm ready to have sex with him after all. I mean.. that's what he wants... And it's not like I haven't ever done it before. I have. Twice. With my boyfriend back in New York. Daddy doesn't know that of course. But Ash wants to and I don't want to make him mad again... so.... ... maybe... Daddy would really kill him then.... Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
11:22 pm	Let's call it temporary insanity "Maybe we can try again later" ...that's what Jeremy had the nerve to say to me after he told me he was leaving. And that he didn't know for how long. The fact that he quit his job and gave up the lease on his place was a fairly good indicator that it'd be a while. Here I thought having his friend Jomo around would be good for him. Cheer him up a little. No. Instead the bum talks him in to picking up again and leaving Molokai so the two of them could go to Australia and catch up with some surf buddies they'd known in Tahiti. I thought for sure Jeremy would say no when the guy brought it up right in front of me when we rented videos last week and were watching them on their couch. Instead he said, and I quote... "when are we leaving." Great. I should have seen this coming. The first time in my life that I actually make an attempt at being serious with someone, and he runs off to another country with another guy. So there goes that. He's already gone. I got a post card yesterday with his new address. He wants me to write him. I'm not so sure I feel up to it. I was wary enough about having a relationship with one person when he WAS here on the island. Now that he'd half way around the world, it's hardly tempting. Despite the fact that I was really really starting to have some intense feelings for him. If nothing else this reaffirmed the fact that I don't want a serious relationship at this point in my life. Aloha Jeremy... it was fun. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
11:05 pm	screw school... if you could even call it that GOD... as soon as you think this island can't get any lamer... it somehow does. Today was my first day of school. I'm a junior. There's only 6 of us. SIX!!!!! Our school is this little.. shack of a thing.... with three class rooms, a couple of offices, a tiny little cafeteria/teacher's lounge, and bathrooms... and that's IT. The whole building could have fit in my high school back in New York's gym. This one doesn't even HAVE a gym. There's no computer labs, or science labs or even a library.. there's no football team, so of course there's no dance squad. It sucks SO hard!! I was going to be on the varsity dance team if I'd gotten to stay at my old school with all of my friends but noooooooooooooooooooooooo.... my father had to drag me off to a third world country. State. Whatever. This place shouldn't even get to be part of the United States. It doesn't deserve it. Back home I had a different teacher for every subject... and here? There's only one for grades 9-12. I'm in a class with FRESHMEN!!!! And of course there's like... no real lectures since we're all learning different things. We spent most of the day reading. I haaaaate reading. I don't learn very well if no one explains stuff to me. And I feel stupid asking the teacher too many questions. Not to mention, I went from being a contender for junior prom queen to social outcast. The locals don't seem to like "outsiders" too much. They kept calling me all of these words I didn't understand behind my back.. and one of the girls stole my fuzzy bunny pen. I SAW her take it out of my bag when I was coming back in from lunch and she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. I can't even try to make friends because I had to go home right after school. I'm still grounded. And I haven't seen Sutton since I got caught sneaking in after I snuck out with him and got my phone taken away. Haven't seen Ash either. I hate Hawaii. Have I mentioned that yet? Current Mood: lonely (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
11:20 pm	I hate my life Dad's being such a pain!!! I swear... he's been all.. busy and stuff and not paying me any attention at all.. he never buys groceries.. he never goes anywhere with me.. he doesn't even act like he knows who I am until he sees me doing something that he doesn't like and suddenly he's like.. SuperDad with his mystical powers of grounding. Yeah I'm grounded. Because I stayed out past curfew the other night. Like.... 16 hours past curfew..... Okay it was like this... I was bored the other night so I went to this party that some chick was throwing. I heard some people talking about it at the hotel. I got there and I didn't know anyone so I drank and then I was talking to this hot older guy. ... Not the one I was talking to before...Ash.. he kinda.. hasn't been talking to me for the last couple of weeks. I think I pissed him off the other night when we were making out and he wanted to do.. other things and I didn't and he stormed off and hasn't been heard from since. Anyway this other hot older guy Sutton (and this one is way older.. like... in his 30's older....) he started talking to me and stuff and we ended up driving around the island and going to the beach by his house and it was fun. Then the night before last night I was out running and I ended up and I saw his house... which looks like a big pineapple. It's all yellow. Like YELLOW. It's nuts... But I saw the house and I decided to say hi then it started raining and.. Well I ended up hanging out there with him and his dog and we smoked this joint that was like... way stronger than any of the weed I smoked back in New York.. not that I'm a pot head or anything! But yeah.. I've gotten high a few times. I must have gotten like.. way spacy because next thing I know I wake up and I'm there sleeping in his bed... in his shirt... without my pants. So I kinda freaked out but he told me nothing happened... so I guess it didn't. Which is good. He took me out on his boat and we went swimming and chummed for sharks. I didn't know what chum was before now, but let me tell you, it's the most vile, putrid smelling stuff on Earth! Like someone took fish parts and put them in a blender then let them sit out in the sun all day. And sharks... kinda freak me out. But it was still fun, then he drove me home. He parked way away from the hotel.. so dad wouldn't see him dropping me off, which was cool of him. Dad saw me walking in though.. and freaked! He'd called the cops and everything... he thought I'd run away or gotten kidnapped. Seriously over reacting. Needless to say, I'm grounded. He's got my cabana like.. under constant surveillance by the maids. I feel like I'm in prison. I'm SO bored. Sutton invited me over for dinner tonight, but I'm so not going to be able to go.... I hope he's not too pissed.... I kinda like him.... But I kinda like Ash too... but Ash isn't talking to me.. so... Who'd have thought life in paradise would be so complicated. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
11:13 pm	Deep thoughts Mai ho`oni i ka wai lana mâlie My mother always used to tell me that when I was a little girl. I think it is kind of her motto. The mantra that she lives by. Do not disturb the water that is tranquil. And she doesn't. She lives life the way it is thrown upon her. Never stirs up much trouble. She says that the world is balanced on its own, and that if we try to go against the tide of what fate gives to us, then we're bound to sink ourselves. I've decided just recently that it's a big load of crap. Sure... mom keeps from making too many waves. She's been married to my father for the last 32 years... but is she happy? Really? Sometimes I don't think so. She wanted to design dresses. Father didn't want her to work after they married, so she didn't. She stayed home with the kids and played the role of a happy housewife and for the most part I've never seen her outwardly seem dissapointed with the way her years have gone. But I don't get it. I don't understand how someone can feel fulfilled by doing what someone else thought that they should do with their life rather than what they dreamed of doing. How can you live your own life without disturbing it? Without making a decision. Yeah sometimes decisions are scary. You can make one and it can alter the course of everything that comes after. And it might put some big bumps in your path, but isn't that really what life's all about? Experience. Good, bad, whatever... the trials that you go through make you stronger. They make you better. I think. For a long time I tried to keep my roads open ahead of me. I didn't want to lock myself in to one thing because I didn't want to limit the things that could come in my future. With jobs. With men. Especially men. I'm 25 years old and I've never been in love. I never let myself get too attatched to someone because I didn't want to cut myself off from other possibilities, but I realized something last night when I was laying beside Jeremy. He was holding me, playing with my hair, not saying a word, and I felt so... at peace. It's something I've never felt with another person before. So comforted that they were there. No I don't love him. Hell I've only known him a couple of weeks. But I realized maybe I could. And that by keeping myself from taking this step before... keeping myself from making a decision because I didn't want to limit myself, I had been doing just that. Limiting myself. From learning how to feel more with a person than just a shallow atraction, or physical pleasure. This could grow to be so much deeper than the waters I've played in before. I feel so optimistic. Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
12:26 am	Thea Thea called me this morning. I was so hungover that I thought she was my mother and I called her a deplorable cuntrag and hung up on her. Then I took the battery out of my phone. Then I rolled over and saw the disgusting 300 pound black man naked on his back beside me, and I went to the bathroom and threw up. Took a really long shower. Snorted a line from the dime bag I had in my purse, and snuck out before he could wake up. That's why I always make sure they pay me upfront. That and the boss insists. So I don't have to talk to them afterward. I have a tendency of getting so fucked up and piss ass drunk that I spend the night in their hotel rooms. Which is fine because I don't have a place of my own at the moment. Sometimes I crash at the club, or sometimes with Tea if she's not out working herself. But usually, I just sleep wherever I end up spreading my legs at night. It works. My life has been worse. I mean... I'm in paradise, right? The ocean is fucking gorgeous... I'm far far away from anyone who knows my real name... the constant stream of tourists keeps me working, and the money's damn good.... and there's Thea. I've never had a friend like her before. A best friend I guess. We can talk about everything no matter how dirty or embarrassing it is. We're never bored if we're together. I'm lucky I met her when I got to Molokai back in January. She got me the job.. she practically let's me live with her and not pay rent or anything (although I do pitch in anyway when I can)... she's just cool. She's a cool girl. And she's great in bed. Best friend with the best benefits. Yeah I better call her back. After I got home this afternoon I realized that it couldn't have been my Mom on my cell earlier....since... well she has no clue where I am. So I checked the caller ID, and it was Thea. Then again I'm headed to work in an hour so I can just talk to her there. Hope it wasn't anything important. Where'd I put that dime bag? Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
11:59 pm	Being a good girl to get what we want Okay so this waitressing thing at the hotel really isn't so bad. I've learned that if I don't spill drinks on the guests... or.... well say much of anything at all to them.. I can make some pretty good tips. Really good actually. It's a lot more money per week than I ever got in allowance. Naturally I'm anxious to blow it all on a new wardrobe since school will be starting soon. I've been trying to talk dad in to taking me over to one of the bigger islands for a shopping trip. Where there's a mall. And maybe a Starbucks! So far he's not giving in... but I think if I keep working that good ol' whiny daughter charm, I'll get what I want. Or I could just get even madder at him than I already was. And we both know he doesn't want that. I'm trying not to be so... disagreeable. Openly anyway. The island isn't sooooo bad. My tan has never looked better... and those ocean miles I've been swimming every morning are doing wonders for my arms and calves. Then there's Ash.... god he's cute. And smart. And fun. And a good kisser. A really good kisser. And I think he really likes me! Like.. at first he was all weird. And I thought maybe he was just trying to get in my pants or something... but... well like he spent the night the other night after walking me home and he didn't even try to get to third base while we were making out. It was cool. I think I like him. I wish he'd call! I'm so bored. This island has GOT to have some nightlife somewhere that I just don't know about yet. I'm hungry. Current Mood: hungry (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
11:49 pm	New Moon Rising You can live in the same place for all of your life. See she same things every day. Convince yourself that you know precisely what is coming your way and when and how you'll react to it.... and then everything can turn out in some way that you never saw coming. The last few weeks have been like that. I thought things were going well. Thought I had it all figured out. Had steady work coming in.. tour groups booked at least 2 or 3 days a week through the hotel, and with my improving reputation at the spa and glowing reactions from customers I was sure they were going to promote me to full time. I moved out of my parent's house in to this great little place down by the cove.. my favorite surf spot. Got a puppy. Named him Darwin. He's adorable. Everything was peachy. Then Mr. Konawli sold the Aloha Rose so some guy from the mainland. He keeps putting off my requests for meetings about continuing on as a tour guide for the hotel. I know he's probably busy... and the place was shut down for a couple of weeks between owners... but I need work! I need to pay my rent! My promotion at the Luna Spa is still hanging in the balance.. I'm fairly sure it's because the owner is having an affair with another of the trainees and considering her over me (despite the fact that I'm far better at my job!) I think my puppy Darwin has a cold. And I met this guy. This amazingly handsome...beautiful...deep... puppy loving... Tahitian guy with these eyes that I get lost in who says all of the right things and kisses just the right way and when he touches me it feels like my entire body is going to go up in flames. And I almost never spoke to him because he stole my wave. And I think I let things with him go to far last night.... but GOD it felt SO good. I'm too young for a committed relationship. I'm not ready for that yet. There's too much to experience in life to tie yourself down so early. But God I like this guy. Maybe too much for my own good. Current Mood: surprised (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
12:29 am	So this is paradise Sometimes you think your life is perfect. You have friends and a family that seems to love each other and then? Then your mother suddenly decides she's a lesbian and runs off with a fat chick that she met at work . And your father decides to have a mid-life crisis because he turned his partner of 18 years into a man hater and sells his used car lot and tugs you off to some depraved island. And your boyfriend (well ... pseudo boyfriend. That guy you were hoping would one day take your casual messing around more seriously) says he's not up for a "long distance relationship"... and that since the New York subway doesn't run to Hawaii, he's dumping you. And you get to Hawaii and it's beautiful and you want to be happy but you can't and you want to get revenge for being torn from your real life in to this fake one and you meet this hot older guy on the beach who would totally piss your dad off.... And you make out with him. And your dad doesn't even catch you. And that's the moment at which you realize that your life really has gone from perfect to suck in two weeks time. ................. but at least you got to make out with a hot older guy. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 18th, 2003
11:49 pm	wrong way out It was too much. The job and the fight and the not talking and the sister coming and him not taking me to the airport with him and there I was trying to pretend that it was all okay and then? The food didn't come. I burnt dinner and ordered Chinese but it was lost and late and they would have been back from the airport at any minute and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out. Couldn't breathe. I panicked. I threw most of my clothes in a bag and scribbled a note and left it on Travis' bed. Travis, I'm sorry. I can't do this. You want me to put on a happy show but I can't. I don't know why you want me to. I'm giving you the easy way out. Now you wont have to pretend either. I don't know if this is good-bye for good, but it's good-bye for now. I don't know where I'm going, but I'll let you know when I get there. Paige And I left. I walked a few blocks... then it started raining so I hailed a cab and took it as far as I could with the money I had in my purse and now I'm here. Some hotel a few miles outside of town. I haven't called him yet. I will. Maybe he's worried. But maybe he's not. Maybe he's relieved. I just feel broken. Current Mood: rejected (Comment on this)
Monday, May 12th, 2003
10:17 pm	night terrors I'm worried about Travis. He's been really quiet about everything that happened.. but I know he's hurting. Avery and he were close.. closer than I was with the man and I know that I'm torn up about it. And Vienna too. Every time we walk in to the office it's like.. so much is missing. It's disturbing. And he's been waking up in the middle of the night. Shaking... sweating... he'll want to hold me.. or do... other things. I figure he's getting his mind off it. And that's okay with me. I'm going to be his wife soon. I know he's having nightmares but he wont say anything to me, and I'm not pushing it. I just want to hold him and make it all go away. But I'm nervous too. And I still have nightmares of my own... some dealing with the kidnapping.. the things that happened when I was held prisoner there.. some things from before. I don't know. I don't feel good about this. No one's really saying it. Everyone's in mourning I guess... and maybe they don't WANT to say it... but what if this wasn't just an accident? What if this is connected to Travis getting poisoned.. or Avery and I getting ambushed in Germany... All of those people died.. and what if we're in danger too? What if they aren't finished yet? ...maybe I'm just paranoid. Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 10th, 2003
8:01 pm	who i am inside I want some people to understand something about who I am. I may not have been this person in the past, but I think that this is who I am at this moment, this one, when I am writing this:I am an animal. I am rational. I have a very poor memory. When I feel something, at that moment, it is the truth, and I might state it. I will say what I like, and if I feel sorry about some portion of it, I will apologize for that portion of it. I might not take back what I say, for what I say about how I feel was the truth when I said it. I might contradict myself, for my emotions are not as steady as my logic. I am a creature of habit. I am lonely. I am lonely not because I feel people do not care about me, but because I find it difficult to care about people. Or I did. Before him. I need human contact. I value loyalty. I value truth. I value thought. I value maturity. I value intelligence. I try not to hurt people, but if I do, and I meant it, too bad. If I do and I didn't mean it, I will most likely prostrate myself before them. I am weak, but stubborn. I am the eternal philosopher and the eternal poet, and everything I do consciously is literature. Please, people. Try to understand me. Try to understand why I write what I write. Try to understand who I am. I might not understand myself fully, but who does? We are all confused , blindfolded mice, who are, in essence, ashes and dust. Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)