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[15 May 2008|11:11pm] |
Dear boyfriend,
You upset me once again. You go back on all your words. Please I beg of you not to tell me another promise if you cannot keep it. I cannot stand that when we get to the point of your promise and you back out. I just can't stand that shit! Seriously, I have never done that to you, so what gives you the right to make it okay to do it to me? I'm about tired of your bullshit. Almost three years have gone by and you've mad eno real progress! I have needs just like you that need to be filled just as well. I believe that you've forgotten that a relationship takes two instead of one. Look, I love you and everything, but I don't know if I want to be like this for the rest of my life. Infact, I know for sure I do not want ot be like that for the rest of my life, wondering if you're going to stick to what you said, or if you are just going to back out at the last minute, and then try to kiss my ass before it happens. That pretty much gives yourself away anyhow. So please don't kiss my ass anymore because then the anger just slowly builds until you say the final words that you're backing out again. All I want to say is FUCK YOU! But, I can't exactly say it to your face because I do care for you, but I beg for you please not to make this an on going habbit in our relationship, please.
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[16 May 2008|11:28am] |
Hey,
Im sick of bullshit. Just plain over it. I mean fuck what have i ever actually done to anybody yet people are always treating me like shit and walking all over me. I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant be honest with anyone about how i feel so im back here once again.
Oh and as i was randomly abused by a girl who i thought was a friend she was like oh and and is it true you cut your foot? I mean W T F ? ! ? Its bad enough theyre spreading rumours about me but that? Every single group i pick to be my friends ends up fucked up. I think im going to give up trying to be social and just go with the flow, you know be my own person and all that shit.
My friend, well more of an aquantence hung herself a month ago and i dont really know why but i really upset me. I just guess it hit close to home ya know. And its all i can think about, i visit her bebo page everytime im online and listen to the song whe requested every single day. I just keep thinking about it more and more and more. I mean what if she made a mistake and what if there is nothing after this, just nothing. What about her baby girl. What about everything, the sky, trees, snow? I mean what if its just nothing but black? But then what if its not. There must have been a reason to want something else so bad. I mean fuck we all think about it. But i dont want to be forgotten, like what if there is NOTHING after this, and then eveything else you've done is forgotten and the only thing showing that you were ever like anything at all is a plaque in the cemetery and a body in the ground? I just cant let it go ever. My boyfriend said i was obsessed, and maybe i am but i just cant let it go. I mean her friends obviously cant live without her and she thought she had nothing going for her. I dont even have friends and im still here. Maybe someones trying to tell me something. That i should just fuck off and never come back.
Fuck im so confused and wish i just had someone to talk to and answer my questions but no im all alone with no one to save me now.
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| Was it worth it? |
[15 May 2008|07:23pm] |
Dear you;
Here I am again with blurred memories of you passing before my tired eyes. The still-frames in my mind no longer instigate anger in my soul, but instead a sort of disappointment that perhaps you'll never understand. I'm weary from the battle you waged against me. Oh darlings, you were clever; for it wasn't a battle of wits, or words, or sticks and stones. It went much deeper than skin and emotion; it was a battle of the spirit; oh yes your reckless undertaking of my very soul.
You see, trusting you as much as I did, I gave you the deepest and most sacred part of me so very willingly. And in turn, you simply used me to further your personal agenda; oh yes, it's what you thought to be your ticket to heaven; when it seemed to me you had opened up the floodgates to hell. If I could ask you one more thing, I'd wonder if using my vulnerabilities to manipulate me got you any closer to your God?
I see now that wisdom doesn't transgress into the human soul with increasing age. Perhaps, it's quite the opposite. Does timely desensitization toward the vulnerable human condiiton make someone less of a fellow human being? A fellow spriritual being? As my memories of you fade into the background, it's crystal clear before my eyes now; that you, my older friends, fully intended on using me with careless disregard to how it would affect me. Perhaps, you did not forsee my reaction, which was ten times amplified with rage and anger; but you should have seen me, I wasn't invisible or emotionless.
And although, my loves, I've forgiven you, I don't think I'll ever be able to uncry these tears, unbreak this heart, or unhurt the parts of me that you sliced through with your razor edge of selfishness.
Considering all the mistakes I've made in my life, I might have to say you are the one I regret the most, but you're also the one I loved the most. Bitter, bitter irony.
Was it really worth it?
Love you always,
Your little sister "in Christ"
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| The proof's in the pudding |
[14 May 2008|09:16pm] |
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I am the least important person in my own life. My dreams are financially impractical, and everyone else's needs are generally more significant because theirs are more selfless than mine. I'm not posting this to fish for compliments, because regardless of who I affect and who has affected me, to the readership here, I'm still just a digital response on a monitor. You'll never meet me, and it's probably better that way. I don't want you to see me as I see me.
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| The critic reviewed |
[14 May 2008|07:46pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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"I Will Always Love You" -Whitney Houston |
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Hollywood is a joke. Even the natives are aware of this. Some like to pretend that Hollywood is an institution that should be respected and revered, but those individuals are part of the joke and should not be respected or revered. No one is more quick to point out the joke than Joe Queenan.
Confessions of a Cineplex Heckler is an anthology of Queenan's essays and articles, some of them having originally appeared in Movieline magazine. In some parts of the book, the audience is treated to a print version of Mythbusters; the author follows Al Pacino's example in Scent of a Woman and crosses a busy New York street while pretending to be blind, and tests the likelihood of Leonardo DiCaprio's death in Titanic, timing himself while talking and fully dressed in the Atlantic Ocean. Other articles in the book scrutinize aspects of film that I can't recall Roger Ebert or Access Hollywood ever examining, like Hollywood's attraction to mutilated ears, trauma to male genitals, bad hairstyles, and Irish stereotypes. Queenan even adopts the alter ego of the Bad Movie Angel, offering cash refunds to audiences of Gone Fishin' and Steel.
Queenan's writing is very good. There are a couple of instances when he seems to cater to the lowest common denominator, utilizing what amounts to bad dick jokes, but mostly his wit is razor sharp and his observations are dead-on. The index even provided some laugh out loud moments.
The anthology is not timeless, collecting articles apparently written throughout the mid to late 1990s, but anyone who was a movie-goer during that decade, like myself, will appreciate this book as much as they appreciate a good joke.
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[13 May 2008|10:22am] |
I surprisingly have no regrets today. I'm glad I did it. I feel better. I was just expressing how I was feeling. I can't trust anyone so I can't tell anyone how I feel. I'm even beginning to regret telling Penski so much. At this point I just want to retreat and be alone. Go back to how things were. When I didn't tell anyone anything I was feeling. I didn't have to worry about people betraying my trust. I know I can trust myself and that's it.
Seven times. Seven cuts. Still bleeding this morning. One keeps ripping open. The last one. It's the worst but felt the best. My legs look a terrible mess but somehow I like it. The cuts all uneven and unsymmetrical. Not me at all, usually everything perfect and equal. I drive myself crazy some days trying to be perfect. School the biggest stress of all. I try to get perfect grades but since I started college that's gone out the window. I've lost perfection.
I feel as though my mom's betrayal has completely changed me inside. I don't even know if I could explain it. I just want to be alone. I know if I'm around people I'm going to have to pretend. Pretend that everything is okay. It's easier to be alone. Although today is going to be one big day of pretending. I'm going over Andrew's soon and then I have to close at work tonight. I can do it. I'll make it. Anyways I'm out. ttyl
nicole
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| DEAR YOU! |
[12 May 2008|10:17pm] |
okay first of all, you think your better then everyone. but your not, really. sorry.
you think your hot shit, BUT YOU AREN'T! so I'm not too sure who your fooling.
So just stop while your ahead..
HUGS AND KISSES!
(note: this isn't towards any users in this community)
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| Dearest sister, |
[12 May 2008|06:52pm] |
Theres no words to explain how you make me feel.
I keep thinking to just be glad I'm not a pathetic piece of shit like you and that you will be sorry one day.
But every time you explode, those thoughts are replaced with fuck you forever and ever and I wish you all the bad luck in the world.
I honestly don't think I believe in karma, but in your case it couldn't seem more real. Bad luck after bad luck is all you ever get...
And you deserve every. fucking. bit of it.
I don't mention you to hardly anyone. Most people don't even know I have a sister. How sad is that? If it were up to me I wouldn't.
Every morning when you wake up its like you deliberately look for something to be angry at. Every morning when I wake up I listen carefully to see if your pissed off about something, to see if your shouting about something, or stomping around through the house, or banging cupboards and doors.
Its like a cup of coffee to you. You can't wake up without your morning cup of 'infuriated'.
I think your anger is your sense of security. You can't feel in control unless you can find something to be pissed about and someone to terrorize with your anger.
Just when I start to think you're not gonna be a psycho anymore and that you are doing better, you explode and prove me completely wrong.
After 2 years of living with you, I'm just now starting to realize that you will never change. You have a sickness and you will remain sick for the rest of your life.
You will never "get better". Who knows, maybe its not your fault.
Maybe your brain really is diseased and theres just nothing you can do about it... unless of course you had it in you to seek fucking therapy...
which would never happen.
I don't think you even realize that you have a problem. You are blind to the fact that you are the only 37 year old that throws childish temper tantrums. You don't realize that you have the maturity of a 13 year old.
You don't realize that you are the only person your age that acts like you.
When will you learn that no one will ever feel sorry for you? You are by far the biggest hypocrit I have ever met.
You complain about the way people are and every single thing that you complain about is either how you currently are or how you used to be in the past or things that you do now or things that you did in the past.
It blows my mind that someone could be such a hypocrit to that extreme.
You lie about your past because your so ashamed of who you were and what you've done but yet you try to make other people feel bad when you've done the exact same things.
I find it so incredible that you can constantly complain about how much you work your ass off and how you have worked your ass off since you were 14.
Why? Because I'm pretty damn sure for as far back as I can remember, before we lived in Florida, you never had a mother fucking job.
Or hell, maybe you did work your ass off (before I was born) and just decided to spend all your money on drugs. Because you certainly have nothing to show for it now (including brain cells).
You just partied and fried your brains. You have bummed off our dad your ENTIRE adult life.
If you've been working your ass of since your were 14 like you said you have then surely you wouldn't be 37 years old and still living with and depending on your daddy for support.
Your just an immature, irresponsible little girl who feels sorry for herself and wants everyone else to feel sorry for you as well.
I work so hard, I work so hard. The world owes me this, the world owes me this. Chill the fuck out.
You wonder why your getting gray hairs. You can't ever just do anything without getting credit for it. Every single fucking thing you do has to be acknowledged by everyone.
The world just has to know what a hard worker you are.
It shocks me that anyone could be so jealous of me. I've been through complete hell in my life time. But you wouldn't know that because your too concerned with what everyone has done wrong to YOU.
Oh, and also because you were barely even apart of my life until just 3 years ago. And I believe the only reason that is, is out of jealousy.
I moved down to Florida with my dad because there was so much shit I had to get away from that was destorying me.
But you don't know about any of that. All you know is jealousy. I moved down here so you felt like if I could then you should be able to as well.
All you ever do is just talk and talk and talk about your problems, completely oblivious to the fact that your not the only one in the world with problems.
You can just reel on about your problems for 10 minutes and I could just sit there and not say a single word. Your so caught up with your self.
I only pretend to be interested in what your saying just because when your mad, the tension between us makes me nauseus. Quite frankly I could not give a fucking shit less about any of your problems. NOT ONE SINGLE PROBLEM OF YOURS DO I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT.
Yeah you get into some pretty shitty situations, and if it was anybody else I would feel bad. But there isn't any one in my life that I've felt less sympathy for.
I wasn't hiding your yogurt underneath something in the fridge so I could keep it for myself. I don't even eat yogurt for fuck sakes.
And if Dominick wants to give me a ring that he got out of a quarter machine and then decides he wants it back, I'll fucking give it back to him. He's fucking 4 years old. Thats just how little kids are.
I'm not gonna fuckin cry about it. Unlike you I don't keep tabs on what everyone in the world owes me. Yes his mother owes you money, but thats his mother. Not HIM.
You have serious fucking issues if you're going to hate a 4 year old just because his mother owes you money. The kid didn't fucking do anything wrong.
It amazes me that you can have so many fucking issues with so many fucking people. How can so many people screw you over?? I honestly think the problem lies within you.
Yes there are some shitty people in this world but it just seems like EVERYONE is out to screw you over but I really don't think its because their bad people, I think YOU are the bad one.
I think people screw you over because you deserve to be screwed over and they know it.
No matter how many people screw you over I will never be on your side. I may not necessarily be on their side, but I will most definately NEVER be on your side so stop talking to me about your fucking problems. I don't give a shit. At all.
I said it once and I'll say it again, YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU GET.
Everytime you explode I think to myself that this is the last straw. Fuck you, I'm not forgiving you this time. But the second you start speaking to me in a normal, sisterly tone of voice I forget all about what you did.
And I hate myself for it but I can't help it. It just feels so good when your not mad, when your being normal and not being a psycho.
Every time you fuck up I think Fuck you, I don't need you, it doesn't matter if we get along or not, it doesn't matter if were enemies.
But like I said, the second you start acting civilized again, my hostility for you washes away. I wish I could just stay mad at you forever and just tell you to fuck off but when your being nice and normal again its honestly like a thousand pounds of stress lifted off my shoulders.
You have no fucking idea the amount of stress that is released when your talking normal and not yelling. Its just such a fucking relief that I just can't help but forget about it.
I wish I could stay mad at you and not speak to you anymore but I want so badly for us to get along that your wrong-doings just instantly slip my mind when your back to normal again.
I'm seriously a little fucking traumatized by all that you've done. I think in ways I never used to think before. Negative ways. And it makes me sick that I could let such a pathetic human being do this to me.
After 2 years of living with you I'm JUST now starting to get used to what a fucking psychotic cunt you are. Your anger doesn't affect me as much as it used to. Like I said... you are sick and maybe you just can't help it.
Whatever. Fuck you anyways. You'll be sorry soon enough. I'll make sure of it.
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[11 May 2008|12:41am] |
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it's been 84 days since my last cut .. it's been on my mind alot lately but i haven't caved yet and hopefully won't .. i really wanna one day be able to say i made a full year .. if i ever do i have a small tattoo in my mind that i wanna get done on the day that i make a year. i feel good that i haven't cut in a while. i'm just taking things day by day and trying to get through the urges and shit. it's been a big part of my life since i was 9 and so i'm working on it. it's difficult cuz the longest i've ever gone without it since i started was 7 months .. i want more than anything to make a year so i'm really gunna try hard this time. i had 5 months b4 the last slip up .. so we'll see. just wanted to update. i hope everyone's well.
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