| i'm such a horrible person / it's not fair... |
[10 Apr 2008|11:15am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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music |
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fuck life...fuck it hard... |
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last night i came home at 1:30am after fooling around with this guy that i just met that i'm falling for so fucking hard...technically i got home at 1, but we were talking downstairs before i got out of the car...and after a long talk, more or less about us, i realized, mainly 2 things.
1. we've already started off on the wrong foot, i could never
expect him to trust me if we ever got together.
2. i don't think we would make it even if we tried (i just feel it)
& then i came home and crawled into bed next to the man that absolutly loves me, that i'm suppose to be madly in love with and i cried because i knew the next day i would have to "break up" with my "mistress" (male form). Then this morning i sent him a text saying we need to stop, because i didn't think it was really big enough to have to call him...but the point is i cried again when i had to do that...he knows me so well...he even called me on the thing that i've kept inside forever, "you talk about being bi-sexual and screwing a bunch of girls and guys because you are starved for love." and i've always known that...i've always told myself that...I've always knew that i was attracted to girls and guys because i don't care who i'm with, just as long as they love me...maybe i didn't get enough love as a kid? who knows...but i've always been so obsest with love...i thought i was over that, i thought i was done...maybe that was only because i was with someone who i thought loved me...
now that i think of it...i think i broke up with boyfriends in the past because i didn't feel loved enough by them...i think? once again, who knows?
fuck this, i'm so heart broken over some guy i just met...when i live with someone i'm "engaged" to...this is so fucking dumb...
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| my post secret...(or my other post secret)... |
[10 Apr 2008|06:08pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
] |
i cried today when i dumped me "make-believe" boyfriend.
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| so it's over... |
[10 Apr 2008|06:09pm] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
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and it sucks...i did a lot of thinking today, and thank god for agent O, or else i probably would've came home and cried some more...*sigh*...it was tough...it was funny cause for a second i was mad at him, for a second i thought to myself "fuck that, i'm not going to change for some guy." then i realized that i'm not changing for him, i'm just proving to him who i actually am...i am a good girl...and there was a time that i was a faithful girlfriend...and i will be again...i start being more faithful in my current relationship and show him that i'm am or could be a good girlfriend...no more crazy stuff...no more being a slut in class...i'm gonna show him that i can be boring "lady"...
i'm lost for words right now...my heart still hurts a little...i hate being friends with someone that i have strong feelings for...i don't know how i'm gonna be able to do that, with all those other damn girls chasing after him...i just need to make it clear to him...he's smart and nice, i hope he gets it...
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