| another random story, just because i NEED to write right now... |
[13 Aug 2006|07:28pm] |
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i couldn't believe it...it hurt so bad inside...i felt so betrayed...my head was spinning and none of it felt real...i ran through my house heading for the bathroom, with all these feelings going through me, a large pit in my stomach told me i was going to be sick...once in the bathroom i ripped open the cabanet violently throwing things aside looking for something inparticular...my cure...the only thing that can calm me down, the only thing that can make me realize it's all real...it's the slap in the face they use in movies for histaricle characters, it's that pinch that people use to see if it's all a dream...i quickly find it and plop to the floor attempting to calm my breathing...the tears stream down my face as i stare at my wrist infront of me...i take the small blade and slice a quick line horrizontally across it...i watch the blood slowly appear at the surface and my mind goes blank to nothing but the pain...as the memories of what had led me to this slowly creep back into mind...i angrily take it out on myself with more slits across...until finally i can't take it anymore and let the blade drop while leaning my head against the wall...i *sigh* as i wipe the tears from my face with my hands...coming to terms with what had just happend...playing the conversation in my mind once more, looking for any way it could've went better...
"Hey Jason..." I started the conversation with my now exboyfriend.
"Hey babe, it's so good to hear from you, i've been trying to get ahold of you for a week now, where have you been?"
"I've been around baby...it's just that...i got some news a week ago...and i didn't really know how to break it to you..." I was trembling...wishing to be anyone else right then...
"What is it baby? What's wrong..." this is where the tears started coming in...
"Jay...I'm...I'm...pregnant..." the "p" word was practically whispered as i forced it out...there was a long silent pause, all you could really hear were my sobs...i couldn't even tell if he was on the line any more..."Jay, did you hear what i said?"
"Yeah, i heard" his responce was like a stab to my ear...
"Baby, what are we gonna do?"
"We?" He said back coldly..."If you want to stay with me you'll get rid of it...i know it ain't mine...i've been hearing all those stories about you and Mike Gibson...me off at college to make our lives better for when we get married and you off fucking around with some jack ass low life..."
"Baby, i haven't even talked to Mike since we graduated! I don't know who's been saying those things, but it ain't true...this baby is yours!"
"You ain't nothing but a lying dirty slut Debbie! And i sware girl! You better not start going around telling people that your bastard of a child is mine! Do you know what that would do to my reputation??"
"I'm pregnant with your baby and you're worried about your reputation? How can you talk about your child like that...my baby is not a bastard because he has a daddy! and it's you! i can't kill our baby! i can't! abortion is sick and wrong! how could you even ask me to do that? and how can anyone say anything bad about us having a baby when we've been together so long? If you want we could just get married now, then no one could say a thing when the babies born...and"
"It's not my fucking baby you slut! I don't want to marry you! and i don't want no god damn kid! it's not mine and if your going to be such a bitch about it then i never want to hear from your lyin' cheatin' ass again!"
"No! Baby! please!" by this time he had already hung up...but i couldn't help but keep on begging into the silent phone...
and that pretty much brought us up to now...i was 17 years old...barely graduated from High School...plans on attending a community college in the fall...and 2 months pregnant from a son of a bitch in his second year of NYU..."fuck" i sighed when i realized i had bled on the bathroom carpet...mama's gonna be pist if she see's that stain...i cleaned the rug as best as i could and washed off my wounds...i still had a few hours till mama got home from work...and a week till daddy got back from his business trip...so at least this way i could break the news to mama and she would help me break the news to daddy...i was so scared...i didn't know what mama would do...or say...or make me do...i fell to my knees in my room, with my rosary clutched in my hand i prayed to jesus to make everything okay...only time would tell now...and only god knew what was going to happen...
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