| it was like ouch times a million... |
[10 Mar 2006|03:38pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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if i was a boy...I'd name my self bob...yes Robert it is... |
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the other day i almost died...well i didn't almost die...but it felt like i was gonna...now i'm overly depressed because i'm still alive...i have breathing...living...and most of all being a girl...i wasn't meant to be one...i know it so bad...i wasn't meant to be a girl...and i would say fuck it to it all...tell my parents how i really feel and just live life as a boy...but i'd still have all those memories of being a girl...and that would just fuck me up so bad...i wouldn't know what the fuck i was...i don't know what the fuck i am...other than confused...fuck it all...first chance i get...i'm gone...
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| is it cuz i'm tired...or just sick of life? |
[10 Mar 2006|03:44pm] |
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mood |
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unwanted... |
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music |
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i'd tell you if i felt it mattered...if i felt NE one cared |
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one day i'll kill myself...and i won't cry...one day i'll be too numb to even feel a damn thing...i won't care about my parents having to deal with seeing my body and having to call someone to take it away...i won't worry about my room being cleaned out cuz we all know i'll never get around to it...i'll just do it...call me selfish...i don't give a shit NE more...wanna know why?...cuz if i don't look out for myself...who the fuck will?...i'm so done...i just can't take this shit NE more...i'd be all the same...whether i'm alive or dead...i'm alone...and i don't blame NE one but myself...i want to be alone...i'm sick of going here and there...worried that i'm just getting invited along cuz i have a fucking car...i'm done with everything and everyone...i'm tired...i'm sick...i'm alone...when i finally take the long plunge of eternal sleep and that of the unknown...it will be for everyone...everyone helped in their own little way...don't flatter yourself and think that by everyone i mean everyone in my life or that i've ever met...but most of them...and it's easier to call it everyone that to try to exclude that few that haven't done NE thing...i'm unfixable...but then again why would anyone want to fix me?...fuck it all...i don't care...i have no heart NE more...i've given it away too many times and it's gotten broken bruised and lost in all the comotion...i just wanted to give it to someone that i could see as more than a friend...that could take care of me...and love me as much as i loved them...give me attention when i need it...worry about just enough...hold me...kiss me...tell me it's all alright just cuz they're there...make it all better with out moving a muscle...just put me on my rose colored glasses and hold me close and show me i can depend on others...show me the whole world isn't out to get me or use me...i just wanted them to make me feel safe...and wanted...and needed...cuz of course...i'd feel horrid if they were only there for me...i need some one who needs me just as much...i want someone who i can fix just as well...so i can hold them...tell them it's all okay...make there whole world better with my random crukid rare smile...and we could just laugh together...because as a whole we're finally happy...but that will never happen...suddenly the warm happy non-suicidal feeling goes away and reality sinks in...i'll never have that...and it makes me so unhappy to know that i'm not worth a shit NE more...i'm not worth walking over to my house...i'm not worth a phone call or an invite...i'm not worth a fill in...a hello...a smile...and explination...i'm not worth shit NE more...once i felt important...i don't know if i was...but i sure as hell felt like something...someone...i felt like i belong...i felt like people cared...all cuz actions speak louder than words...and they showed it...they showed me that i was worth it...yet now...those memories slowly fade out...and they feel like nothing more than distant dreams...i wonder if NE of that really ever happend?...or if i just made it all up to feel better....to feel justified for being here...it prolly never did...me and Lisa never got along...Robbie was never the sweetest person i ever knew...neither Justin ever went out of their way to come walk me to school in the freezing cold...no one ever made me feel good...i've never wanted to not die...and i've never had friends...i don't get along with people...never have...never will...and the sad truth is...i'll be one of those people that lives to be 100...and miserable ever day i take another breath...
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