| You know... |
[06 Jul 2004|10:38am] |
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All this time I've been so terrified of ending up like Lisa...so scared to love...all because I've been trying to sheild myself from being a "dumb teenager"...well you know what?...I am a dumb teenager...and that's all I want to be...I mean sure...I'm not gonna go out...and like go screw every guy I see...then get pregnate at age 18...but you know...I'm never going to find that 1 person I'm suppose to be with...unless I look...not just shut my eyes until I think I'm old enough to love...I need to go out into the world...and experience things...if I don't...I'm gonna end up...really sad and miserable when I'm older...thinking "Oh my god...why didn't I live life when I was younger??...ohh yeah...cuz Lisa scared the shit out of me to live as a teenager...so I wanted to live as if my life was already over before it even began"...Cuz really...I lied in bed last night and I cried...I haven't done that in a while...so yeah...but yeah...I cried...but it wasn't for the usual things...I cried because I thought of how much I love Mike and Lisa...and how badly I want to see them happy TOGETHER...but since that just isn't working right now...it hurts me...and really...I would die just to see them happy...if like god came up to me...and said...if you give up your life Mike and Lisa will be happy...I'd be like fine...take me away...dude...I'd give up everything in my life worth living right now just for them...but it's not that easy...my unhappiness can't fix this one...actually...my unhappiness has never fixed NE thing...but I try...and I don't know what to do...I think it hurts me so much...and it messes with my emotions about Mike and Lisa...and there not so happy time right now...bcuz I always wanted (when I got older)...to find sumthing like that...you know...to find your 1 and only at 14...you would think that would be wonderful...but NOTHING is perfect...and it makes me feel like...if Mike and Lisa can't last...and I thought they were the perfect couple...what makes me think I can last with NE one...and like...if Lisa can just so suddenly stop loving Mike...what makes me think that I can ever love NE one..?...it makes me wonder if love is even real...up to this point...I've loved living life...as looking at myself as a dumb teenager...and always telling myself "nope...that's not real...you just think that cuz your a teenager"...but you know...right now...being a teenager...feels a lot better than being an adult at the moment...cuz when your a dumb teenager...all you do is think about stupid unimportant drama...not the real shit...it's the real shit that gets me and scares me...but also last night...as I cried...I came to the conclusion...that I am a dumb teenager...and that I do need to go out there and live...and not be afraid of life...and I'm not in my 20's...I'm barely going to be 16 this month...I still have sooooo much of my life to live...(unless some freak accident happends...which lets hope doesn't...{knock on wood})...cuz like seriously...when I told myself that I wasn't 23...it made me look at life soooo differently...and it made me relize that this whole time...I've been fighting my teenager side...so that I don't make mistakes...and what not...but you know...mistakes are part of life...there's no getting away from them...they just happen...and really...thinking of all this...has really helped me...and now I'm a bit more content in life...I mean...sure...I still have some other things to over come...but I also learned that when all else fails I have myself to rely on...I've never been able to rely on myself b4...but last night...I actually came through for myself...and some times...you just need to take your own advice...and that's exactly what I did...and I know that I can get through life right now...and I know...that I'll live...I'll grow...and someday I will get married to the person I love...
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